Tag: Donovan Savage

[SATIRE] Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review]

(Original Post: November 29, 2016)

While our usual contributor, “The Gatekeeper”, takes a much needed birthday vacation this week, I received an unusual email at our general “Eye of Zatara” business address from a friend of his named Donovan Savage who writes for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine based out of Luxingfort, KY.  Apparently, he bought a DVD over the weekend, and reviewed a movie he insists upon calling “Avengers: Age of Voltron” which no one at his magazine will publish – most likely since the movie came out in May of 2015.  On the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper via instant messenger, however, I have decided to post his review here on “The Eye of Zatara” for your perusal.  Be forewarned, though, this Donovan Savage review doesn’t make much more sense than the usual dissociative mutterings of our dear Gatekeeper…

“Avengers: Age of Voltron”
[A Belated Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

Last Friday, I was lounging in my luxurious, pleather Slothboy recliner in my exquisite studio apartment when I decided to slum it with the less privileged by enjoying a DVD lent to me by a less fortunate colleague in the writing business, another one of those incessant Marvel movies that goes by the name of “Avengers: Age of Voltron”.  After refilling my wine glass with a chilled gentlemanly mixture of 2% cow’s milk and genuine Hershey’s chocolate syrup ordered directly from the Hershey plant in Pennsylvania, I sat back as the familiar, rectangular red and white logo of the pretentious Marvel comic book company scrolled across my massive 30″ flatscreen television and the almighty “Avengers” immediately swung into action fighting some sort of Germans who had appeared to have stolen Queen Elizabeth’s glowing blue crystal scepter or something like that.  I’m not sure, I don’t really understand the politics of this Marvel universe.  I think one of the antagonists’ names was “Libra” or “Zebra” or something.  “Hydra” maybe.  No, that can’t be right.  Greek mythology is far beyond the cognitive awareness of those nerdy comic book types at Marvel.  We’ll just stick with “Zebra” for now.  That seems to be a little more on their level.

Anyway, and Spoiler Alert for anyone who hasn’t seen this movie yet, it turns out the Germans had kidnapped some Russian kids and made them into copies of characters from the Marvel “X-Man” universe using the Queen’s royal powers.  Fortunately, Ironing Man, Brigadier General America, Black Willow, the Hunk, Eagle Eye, and Ben-Hur (?), or, referring to them by their real names, Lance, Keith, Princess Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Sven, overpower the Germans and hold off the Russians, preventing a repeat of World War II, but, rather than returning Queen Elizabeth’s scepter to her, use it to make a giant fighting robot composed of five smaller lion-shaped robots given life by some sort of glowing MacGuffin Stone in the heart of the Queen’s staff.  Without the teamwork and cooperation of five pilots controlling the fighting robot from the inside, however, it goes berserk, and teams up with the Russians to randomly attack things.

Furious at Lance/Ironing Man for making such a decision without consulting his team leader Keith, the Avengers begin to fight and argue amongst themselves, which proves all the more disastrous after Voltron hijacks the planet Arus and plans to drop it, castle and all, directly on the earth, perhaps directed to do so by King Zarkon whom we see briefly after the credits putting on some sort of weird Fallout 4 Power Fist.  Fortunately, the Avengers recover the original MacGuffin Stone from within Queen Elizabeth’s scepter, and use it to create a new Voltron with which to battle the now evil Voltron fighting on behalf of Planet Doom.  Eliciting the help of the same Russians who previously had attempted to kill them, as well as back-up support from the Highwind from Final Fantasy VII piloted by a slimmer interpretation of Barrett Wallace portrayed by Mace Windu from Star Wars, this new seven man Voltron, “Vision Voltron”, I believe they called it, allows the Avengers to defeat the now outdated five man Voltron created by Lance/Ironing Man earlier, saving the day, although a Russian randomly gets killed for some reason at the end.  They then use Voltron’s Lion Torches to incinerate the entire planet Arus before it hits Earth, which seems like overkill, but the Highwind evacuated everyone first, with the aid of some Golden Chocobos, I believe, so to each his own.

Overall, the movie was quite interesting, with a lot of well-executed action scenes, and a variety of unique combat powers for each member of the “Avengers”/Voltron Force that were satisfying to behold, from Ironing Man’s Haggarium Armor and assorted Fallout energy weapons to Eagle Eye’s cosplay replica of the Green Arrow’s bow to Brigadier General America’s… well, ok, so Brigadier General America’s flag-painted hubcap/frisbee golf disc wasn’t all that interesting, but most of the rest of the characters in “Age of Voltron” had extremely unique and complicated abilities that made action scenes feel kinetic and inventive, even while fighting an endless army of Baby Evil Voltrons controlled by the original Voltron… perhaps they were meant to be Robeasts???

I was excited by the new take on the Voltron Force material.  It has been some time since I saw something new and interesting come out of the Beast King GoLion franchise’s American counterparts, perhaps excluding the new Voltron series on Netflix, as I do not watch “streaming” television shows and movies like an uncivilized ape.  Netflix is the “buffet” of the entertainment world.  True gentlemen watch television live in HD, or not at all, and movies in theaters, and at home only in occasion to remind themselves of their aristocracy, as I am doing here, while redeeming myself from my sin through brilliant intellectual criticism.  I fear others of my standing in the community will look down on me for watching a DVD even for this reason, however, such is my status in the heirarchy of Luxingfort, KY.

To conclude, if I had to rate on a commoner’s scale of 1 to 10, and, oh, how I hate such a scale, the quality of the Avengers: Age of Voltron movie, I would like to give it a strong 8.5, perhaps a 9, I am a little annoyed at the moment after spilling some of my chocolate milk on the carpet while typing up this review.  Chocolate syrup straight from Hershey, PA isn’t cheap, you know, and neither is carpet cleaning, as I can’t be bothered to attempt the job myself.  I am disappointed that, once again, Marvel has been excluding my beloved Yoohoo beverages from their screenplays, but such has been the case ever since I watched “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” I am sure, and such will continue to be the case long into the future with that ridiculous “Sam Lee” at the head of Marvel.  The man must be drunk on his success by now, and I feel I will have to keep harping on my point about Yoohoos until Mr. Lee is dragged out of the luxurious party of his fortune to address them.  Even still, he has made a great movie here today in the form of “Avengers: Age of Voltron” and I recommend everyone of you who is not as privileged as myself to purchase a copy of its DVD form from your local distributor of such trivial baubles, and enjoy watching it on your black-and-white television box or whatever it is common people use to watch films on at home these days.  Is Blockbuster still a thing?  No?  No matter, I’m sure you shabby folk can figure it out if you’re motivated enough.  Until next time, this is Donovan Savage from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine reminding you that “Milk is for boys.  Chocolate milk is for men.”  Farewell, my broad and adoring audience of odd psuedointellectual miscreants.

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit personally insulting editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His recent articles include “Taking the Stairs – The Worst Part of Fire Drills” and “Why Won’t Kelsey Grammar Return My Emails? – A Personal Anecdote”.  Yes, we know he’s crazy.  Please don’t send him angry letters.  It just encourages him.

[SATIRE] Yoohoo Civil War [A Biased and Unfair Review]

(Original Post: May 16, 2016)

Hey, a friend of mine who’s Head Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine sent over this review for the new Captain America movie one of their writers who lives in Luxingfort, KY sent in. Apparently, they didn’t have room for it in their magazine this month, and said I could post it on the “Eye of Zatara” if I wanted. I thought it was pretty good, so I figured I’d share it. I hope you like it, too!

“Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War”
[A Biased and Unfair Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

This last Friday evening, I was graced through my vast social and political connections in town to acquire an exclusive, after public release, free-after-paying-regular-admission-price ticket to the latest Marvel superhero film, “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” at the local Royalty cinemas, the girl at the counter, apparently aware of my power and influence, even allowing me to choose my own seat and noting it in the system so no underprivileged freeloader could steal my optimal location while I was securing refreshment, and also bestowing special, movie-enhancing glasses with top-of-the-line, multi-dimensional technology to increase my film enjoyment at no additional charge.

Overall, I had a… reasonably… enjoyable experience, but, as a man of opinion, I feel that to give back to the little people who helped me secure my entertainment for the evening at so little of my own expense, I must share my thoughts and feelings about the movie with any who will listen, and offer a review to other potential moviegoers that would like to know if this movie is worthy of an affluent intellectual’s time. And, so, here is my review. (“Spoiler Warning” would be the commoner’s expression to include at this point, would it not? Bah.)

MOVIE: 9/10 – The movie was well written, well executed, and extremely enjoyable. Despite being called “Yoohoo Civil War”, there was far less connection to the delicious, chocolate and strawberry flavored beverages in the plot than I expected, but the emotional and political conflict that replaced it seemed adequate enough. I was told to stay after the credits for some sort of additional scene, but I can’t be bothered with such things. Credits are best saved for environmentalists and the malcontented.

POPCORN: 6/10 – The popcorn I acquired at the refreshment station that greeted me upon my triumphant entry to the greater Royalty theater complex was buttery and satisfying. I was even offered a small “combination” deal should I also acquire a drink and other amenities from the station, but felt that I had been shown enough preferential treatment for the night and declined, choosing instead to pay individually for my drink. The 6/10 comes from the fact that I spilled some of my popcorn while getting settled into the king-like, reclining throne made available for me instead of a normal movie seat by the Royalty staff. I am not quite sure how me spilling my popcorn is really anyone else’s fault, but I’m sure it had to be as a result of some distraction by the loud movie previews of other films I can’t be bothered to watch all of. Movie previews are for dog breeders and the malcontented.

SODA: 8/10 – The soda I purchased along with my popcorn, a “Classic” version of Coca-Cola obviously reserved exclusively for those with the most sophisticated of palettes, was quite delicious, like a fine wine, except hundreds of dollars cheaper. I was even offered a free “refill” since I had purchased a larger, more carafe-like vessel for its consumption than the typical, smaller trinkets chosen by many of the less privileged around me. I took advantage of this “refilling” on my way out of the theater, a final token of respect by the Royalty employees for my seat of influence in the Luxingfort community.

HISTORICAL ACCURACY: 1/10 – This is one point I have to hold against “Yoohoo Civil War”. While I am willing to accept a fair grain of artistic liberty regarding the “Captains of America” and “Tony Stank” characters represented in this movie, I am fairly certain they are not accurate representations of any actual American Civil War personas. The movie begins in some sort of nonsensical city called “Wakanda”, instead of Fort Sumter, as with the actual American Civil War, and the movie only loses more historical veracity from that point. At no point in American history at all, much less during the years of 1861 to 1865, have Union and Confederate armies ever engaged in a firefight by throwing shields and shooting spider webs at one another. What is this nonsense? I enjoyed the movie’s plot line with the same joy I might an imaginative fairy tail, but by saying this movie has some connections to the bloody events that nearly tore the United States apart a few centuries ago, the producers of this film likely have Abraham Lincoln rolling over in his grave. I am fairly certain the sixteenth President of the United States never broke criminals out of prison with a bow and arrow, nor did General Ulysses S. Grant ever run around calling himself “Grant Man” while shrinking to the size of a small bug or insect of some sort. It is almost comical how ridiculous this representation of history was, but my amusement ended when I realized it would likely be treated as accurate by the less intellectual, such as misguided Trump supporters and the malcontented.

ATMOSPHERE: 4/10 – The lighting, sounds, and projection systems built into the futuristic, third-dimensional entertainment venue I was granted access to by the Royalty employees with by privilege-bought, admission price ticket, were all adequate for my needs as a man of leisure seeking entertainment. There was, however, a fair amount of popcorn spilled onto the floor in my area very early on in the “previews” section of the “Yoohoo Civil War” presentation. This was not cleaned up immediately, and was still present when I left the theater viewing room. This is not acceptable. Spilled popcorn on the floor is for libertarians and the malcontented.

YOOHOO REPRESENTATION: 0/10 – Thinking through the movie again as I write this, I realize now there were no actual scenes containing Yoohoo beverages in this film, either in the “previews”, or in the actual movie itself. There may have been something after the credits, but, as I explained before, watching credits is for the xanthophobic and the malcontented. This is an outrage! No accurately-represented Civil War events, and no Yoohoo drinks? I simply cannot ignore this. This is false advertising in the highest sense! Bait and switch! I call bait and switch, my good sirs! Marvel Studios will hear about my discontentment! Yoohoo Civil War may have been one of the best “superhero”-type movies that I have seen in my thirty long years of privilege on this planet, but false advertising is for Klingon speakers, taser owners, and the malcontented! Not for one of my position and station in life! Enough talking about this. My high blood pressure cannot bear it any longer. Just know that “Sam Lee” or whatever his name is will be working at Fed Ex by the time I am done expressing my fury to his superiors.

Overall, “Yoohoo Civil War” is a great movie, one which I recommend to anyone, especially fans of the “superhero” movie archetype, but it has no Yoohoos, and does not mirror the American Civil War in any way. My review “score” for the characters, plot, theme, visuals, soundtrack, action, and excitement of the movie itself is a 9/10. My total review “score” for the movie including factors such as my enjoyment of popcorn, soda, atmosphere, and the movie’s representations of both Yoohoo chocolate beverages and the American Civil War is 4.5/10, and that is quite generous, in my opinion.

Hmph. I don’t even know why I bothered writing such a bothersome piece of mostly advertising documentation. “Movie reviews” are for trading card game collectors, muffin bakers, vegetarians, and the malcontented. They are not worth the time of a busy and affluent intellectual like myself. Where’s my driver? I need a few circles around Polygon Park in my Honda Element to regain my calm…

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit somewhat misguided editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His most famous articles include “Quizno’s? What in the Name of All That is Good is a Quizno’s?” and “The Gentleman’s Guide to Chocolate Milk”. Please don’t email us about him. We have a hard enough job. We have to work with him everyday, you know. I really hope he doesn’t read this…”