Tag: Christmas

[SATIRE] “Blixo the Red State Reindeer” and the Evil Grummold Grump!

(Original Post: December 23, 2016)
*Read to the bottom for a special holiday message from the “Eye of Zatara”.

From the makers of “Wendy’s Frosty the Tasty Snowman” and the writers of “It’s the Offensive St. Patrick’s Day Irish Stereotype, Charlie Brown!”, this Christmas Day, experience a new holiday classic unlike any you’ve ever seen before.  Gather your politically-informed children around the tree and roast chestnuts on a burning collection of your multiple “I Voted” stickers while witnessing the untold story of Santa’s favorite back-up reindeer, “Blixo”, as he sets out on his own magical holiday adventure of social enlightenment in “Blixo, the Red State Reindeer,” premiering Christmas Day on your local CBC affiliate station!

Join Blixo, an otherwise happy and friendly little reindeer from the heavily Republican-controlled state of Texas, as under the influence of conservative talk radio and the Fox News Channel, he fails to identify newly-elected King of the North Pole, the sinister Grummold Grump, as the racist, con artist, and hatemonger that he is, spouting patent absurdities like “Why not at least give him a chance?” or “Maybe you shouldn’t call him a fascist just because you disagree with him politically?”

Everything changes for Blixo, however, after his more tolerant and compassionate friends block him one by one on Facebook until, at last, the lonely little reindeer (and hopefully your more independent-thinking children, as well!) realizes through social shaming and absolute conformity of idea the error of having his own opinion without being looked down on or insulted.  Unable to bear the election of Grummold Grump any longer, Blixo joins Rudolph and the gang in a riotous romp of rage and vandalism through the streets of Santa’s Christmas Town, coming upon Mr. Grump’s wife just as she prepares to board a commercial sleigh flight, and shouting her down with entitlement-driven insults and anger.

In the end, Blixo learns that the greatest Christmas present of all is to use the power of social media to paint everyone he disagrees with personally and politically as a World-War-starting dictator, and to never accept or respect the results of any election unless it conforms exactly with his own opinion.  The song at the end of the tale summarizes the entire wondrous holiday story, and will keep your children singing happily throughout the remainder of our country’s brief existence before the “End of Days” (the coming inauguration of President-Elect Donald J. Trump).  As a thank you for all your support of the CBC Network this year, we’ve gone ahead and included the lyrics for this new musical classic at the end of this article below.  Teach your children the words ahead of time for extra social justice bonus points – it’s like saving a tree, but without any of that exhausting cost and sacrifice that saving a tree normally requires!

Happy all-inclusive, not-necessarily-religious, government-sanctioned Work Holidays, Everyone!

***

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
They all voted rightly, even that rogue Blitzen
But where you aware?
Of the Red State Reindeer who just didn’t care?

Popular leftist opinion,
Says that Grummold Grump is mean,
And if you dare a challenge,
You’ll verbally have your clock cleaned.
All of the other reindeer are tolerant as they can be,
Clearly, if you voted for Grump, you must be a racist, see?

Blixo is a reindeer from a Red State – yes, those old hicks,
Who aren’t educated enough to vote right, probably because they’re from the sticks.

So, if you aren’t a hater,
Compare Grump to Hitler on Facebook,
Otherwise, next time I see you,
I’ll give you that judgmental look.

You know the one I reference,
That liberal-guilt-filled, judgmental look!

***
EDIT: Seriously, people, all the Gatekeeper’s ridiculousness and cleverish satire aside, I know those of you on the left don’t like Donald Trump, and can’t stand the fact that he won the election.  I didn’t vote for him, either.  (I actually voted Independent for the first and hopefully last time ever.)  But, can we all tone down the rhetoric a little?  Donald Trump is no Mother Teresa, but he’s not Hitler, he’s not Stalin, he’s just a very egotistical man who got elected because people are so tired of being lied to by the political establishment that they were willing to vote for anyone that promised them something different who actually looked like he had a shot of winning and doing a decent job of leading the country.  As we approach Christmas Day, the time many of us celebrate our Lord and Savior’s miraculous birth, and a commonly-recognized time of peace and joy for even those without strong religious belief, can we not come together for a few days as a country and agree to some boundary lines beyond which we won’t go in insulting people we disagree with politically?  Just something to think about…

Merry Christmas, Everyone.

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] “Leather Wrapped Stone” Sells Out at Nordstrom; Lex Luthor Takes Credit

(Original Post: December 13, 2016)

As part of an ingenius plan to finally kill the heroic “Man of Steel”, evil supervillain mastermind Lex Luthor confirmed today that the $85 “Medium Leather Wrapped Stone” recently sold out at Nordstrom stores throughout the country for previously inexplicable reasons was, in fact, supplied to the popular department store chain and marketed by his company, LexCorp, and is comprised mostly of radioactive Kryptonite, a greenish element foreign to Earth’s periodic table that serves as the only known weakness to the otherwise indestructible defender of “Truth, Justice, and the American Way”, Superman.

“The discovery of a new Kryptonite meteor in the Los Angeles area left me with an excellent opportunity.” Lex Luthor announced cockily to a slightly agitated looking Clark Kent from the Daily Planet at a press conference event earlier this morning.  “To put Kryptonite in the home of countless otherwise innocent citizens throughout the country, putting Superman in a ‘Russian Roulette’ situation where entering any well-to-do residence to help its inhabitants could very well lead to his untimely death, as the particle emissions released by Kryptonite are not only toxic to all Kryptonian life forms, but even close proximity to them can rob someone like the ‘Man of Steel’ of his superpowers, leaving him no more powerful than, say, our Mr. Kent here.”

Marketed as a “paperweight”, “conversation piece”, or “work of art”, depending on its owner’s subjective whim, the “Leather Wrapped Stone” is now nearly impossible to find, as it is not only completely sold out on Nordstrom’s website, but sold out in nearly all of its individual local stores, as well, despite appearing to be little more than a common pebble in a fancy leather half-pouch resembling something a child might make at Boy Scout Camp for their parents.  When asked how he managed to convince otherwise intelligent, hard-working citizens to invest so much money into something they could easily pick up on the side of the road for free, Lex Luthor simply smiled as a second figure approached from the back of the room to share the podium with him.

“That was my doing,” a tall, bald humanoid with inhuman-looking green skin spoke ominously and somewhat condescendingly to the crowd of reporters gathered at the early morning LexCorp press conference.  “As a 12th level intellect, creating an advertising campaign capable of tricking people with too much money on their hands into purchasing a glorified sling stone was child’s play once Mr. Luthor here provided the Kryptonite to fulfill his part of the plan.  Soon, as our ‘Leather Wrapped Stones’ find themselves in more and more homes, offices, and businesses; moving from residential table and countertops to workplace desks, department store shelves, and countless other locations unforeseen even to the great Superman himself, he will find it impossible to safely continue to help the people of Metropolis or anywhere else in the country, and will be forced to either retire his cape of superheroism, or eventually die after rushing into a smoke-filled room on fire, store being robbed, or home collapsing due to earthquake, only to he himself fall by the hands of one of these lethal, Kryptonian-killing ‘conversation pieces’.”

“One question if I could, Mr. Luthor, and um… Acquaintance.” Michael Hamden of CBC News interjected, getting a little closer to the podium after a sweating and suddenly sick-looking Clark Kent excused himself from the press conference, the journalist glancing over his shoulder at a sample “Leather Wrapped Stone” sitting on a display table in front of Mr. Luther beside a mason jar of “Granny’s Peach Tea” and large, unopened bag of “Jolly Ranchers” candies.

“…it’s Brainiac.” the otherworldly green man answered Mr. Hamden coldly.

“Yes, Mr. Luthor and Mr. Brainiac.” Michael Hamden stuttered a little nervously, before continuing on with his query.  “If you’re trying to kill Superman with these Kryptonite rocks, why announce it to the public?  Why announce it to the world?  Doesn’t that seem a little counterproductive to your goals here?”

Lex Luthor smiled before taking back the podium from his otherworldly supervillain accomplice.

“What does it matter?” Lex’s cocky grin grew wider as he revealed the depth of his criminal genius for all the world to see.  “The Kryptonite stones have all already been purchased.  They’re being shipped to houses across the country as we speak.  They’re being laid in ribbon-wrapped boxes beneath the boughs of lavishly-decorated trees of the well-to-do where they will sleep undisturbed until the joy of Christmas morning.  Don’t you see, Mr. Hamden?  The deed is done!  I’ve already won!  I’ve convinced a nation of fools to buy their own coal for loved ones this holiday season, and now Superman – even almighty Superman – has not the power to stop me.  Merry Christmas, Son of Krypton!  Merry Christmas, oh great Man of Steel!  There is no Grinch to steal Christmas this year, so fly down chimneys to rescue the weak and poor if you dare, but, know, a glowing surprise may be waiting around the tree to deck your halls – and it’s not Rudolph’s nose shining so bright this time.”

Lex Luthor then ended the scheduled press conference by cackling maniacally at the top of his lungs, before awkwardly trying to force multiple people around him to eat Jolly Ranchers for no reason.  The “Man of Steel”, Superman, could not be reached by “Eye of Zatara” sources for comment, but a paranoid-looking Batman has reportedly purchased several new “Leather Wrapped Stones” found hidden in the back of a Nordstrom warehouse in Gotham City several hours ago “just in case [I] need to make him bleed again”.  Fellow “Justice League of America” member Aquaman has also made himself available for comment, but has not received any inquiries or questions from the media at this time, resulting in several tweets of “:(” from the water-based superhero in the last several hours, all of which were ignored by his three Twitter followers.