[SATIRE] Make America Grape Again

(Original Post: May 12, 2016)

Make America Grape Again 2

As Donald Trump becomes the presumptive 2016 Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, inside sources from within the Trump campaign have supposedly leaked the somewhat shocking extent to which Mr. Trump was willing to go in order to secure his nomination amidst heated opposition from Texas Senator Ted Cruz and Ohio Governor Jon Kasich. Based on opposition research accumulated from former Trump supporters by political operatives close to former Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, Donald Trump was apparently in the process of preemptively naming his choice for Vice President should he secure the nomination, as way to galvanize his supporters, similar to the move made by Democratic hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders as reported here in early April (http://eyeofzatara.com/2016/08/06/clinton/).

In a possibly extra-Constitutional move, Mr. Trump planned for the first time in America’s history, to name a company, in its entirety, as his President running mate for the 2016 United States Presidential race. This company, Welch Foods Inc., known primarily for its fruit juice products, would have caused an amendment to Trump’s original campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again” to a new, revised slogan saying “Make America GRAPE Again. TM, Welch Foods Inc., All Rights Reserved.” While Senator Cruz and Governor Kasich were quick to criticize this reported move when it was leaked, additional sources have confirmed that both Cruz and Kasich were planning similar moves, having already been aware of Trump’s plans to unite himself with a grape juice company to strengthen his 2016 Presidential ticket.

In the works for both campaigns was a unification of Ted Cruz and his Vice Presidential company selection, Tropicana Products, with a new campaign slogan of “Orange You Tired of Trump? Vote Cruz!” to appear as the banner for his party bid in a new 30 second ad spot to be run on prime time for three weeks immediately following Senator Cruz’s announcement; and, on Kasich’s side, a slightly more bizarre choice of American apple-based product company, Mott’s, to become his Vice Presidential hopeful with a slogan reading “I Like Applesauce. : ) “, a slogan apparently written by Governor Kasich himself shortly after the selection decision, much to the chagrin of his campaign staff and close supporters.

Whoever becomes President this 2016 election cycle, it is clear that this will be an election to go down in the history books. The only saving grace, for those of us of stable mind, is the sound advice of advisers to the Obama campaign, who, while explaining to the former constitutional law professor why he is unable to run against Hillary Clinton in this year’s Democratic Presidential primaries, talked him out of running commercials replacing Joe Biden with Vice Presidential selection, Ocean Spray Cranberries, Inc., with an ad slogan of “Cran Barry Get Four More Years?” Obama advisors did, however, compliment the President on his choice to replace Joe Biden with absolutely anyone else should he theoretically ever run for any sort of elected office again. Media sources are currently unable to confirm additional reports of an alternate Obama 2016 ad campaign entitled “Only Two Terms? We Need V8 More.”

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Don’t mess with us. We know stuff. About stuff. Probably… (Actually, we don’t know anything. Please don’t hurt us. 🙁 )

[SATIRE] A Mother’s Day Tribute

(Original Post: May 8, 2016)

As has been the trend today, this Mother’s Day, I’d like to stop and take a moment to say thanks to an older person who is very near and dear to my heart. Someone who taught me that even an underdog can triumph in the end if he works hard and doesn’t give up. Someone who taught me that it’s ok to be yourself, and to express how you feel, but that it’s also important to listen to and try to empathize with the feelings of those around you. Someone who inspired me, and inspired countless others to be the best that they could be. Someone who made me smile, made me cry, made me laugh, and, about this time two decades ago, on Wednesday, May 14, 1997, broke my heart and made me say goodbye. Before I get too emotional, let me just stop and say thanks to the person who always made me feel that, no matter where I go, no matter what I do with my life, I will always have a home back in a sleepy little university town in snowy Minnesota that loved a good game of football. Thank you, Craig T. Nelson, you will always have my respect. R.I.P. Coach Hayden Fox, 1989 – 1997 (9 Seasons). Your humor is still missed. I loved every minute of our precious time together. Except for Season Nine, because Season Nine was terrible. Yeah… the rest was really good, though

[SATIRE] Hadron Collider Shutdown Caused by Weasel; Officials Dismiss Reports of “Metahumans”

(Original Post: May 2, 2016)

The Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator at CERN is offline after a short circuit – caused by a weasel. The unfortunate creature did not survive the encounter with a high-voltage transformer at the site near Geneva City. The LHC was running when a “severe electrical perturbation” occurred in the early hours of Friday morning. A spokesman for CERN said that the weasel did not get into the tunnels, just the electrical facilities.

Anti-accelerator activists have raised concerns of possible environmental effects created by the short circuit of what has been called the “world’s biggest science experiment”. Most notably, some activists are linking the timing of the particle accelerator’s shutdown with the appearance of an unusual electrical storm that occurred in the skies over the streets of Geneva City at approximately the same time. A forensic crime science assistant was critically injured during this storm when a bolt of lightning inexplicably broke through a window of the boy’s otherwise safe loft apartment and hurled him electrified into a shelving unit containing a variety of unspecified, multicolored forensic chemicals. Some activists are now blaming CERN for the boy’s condition.

“If Barry Allen dies, his blood is on CERN’s hands!” one unnamed activist shouted at the once famed genius behind the particle accelerator’s creation at a press conference event Saturday.

“CERN has failed this city…” added another, a brooding activist with smears of green grease paint across his eyes, a possible intimidation tactic to scare the CERN officials attempting to hold their press briefing.

“Wait, this isn’t a Marvel movie…” a strange older gentleman with grey hair and glasses commented in sequence, before wandering off mumbling to himself about homecomings and civil war.

Some activists have gone so far as to also blame CERN for several unusual tornado-like events that have been occurring at various banks and highways across the city since the particle accelerator’s shutdown, claiming that CERN has somehow opened a kind of “Pandora’s box” that could go so far as to change the physical properties of human beings as we now know them, creating strange, new “metahumans” that society has no systems in place to contain.

Of course, not everyone agrees with these activists.

“Despite what some alarmists are saying, there is no substantial evidence to prove the particle accelerator’s shutdown had any effect on the weather or citizens of the peaceful people of Geneva City,” quoted David Singh, a noted Captain in the Geneva City Police Department. “This is not a comic book. A hole in the space-time continuum doesn’t occur every time a science experiment shuts down. Give them a week to get this out of their system, and before long these same crazy people are going to be rambling on about some new nonsense, like freeze ray guns and time travel or something.”

While activists insist otherwise, it is currently true that no provable connection has been to date linking the unusual meteorological occurrences in Geneva City to any explicable phenomenon created by the particle accelerator shutdown. Geneva City Police have advised they will investigate any tangible links they can find between the two events, but advise citizens not to give in to paranoia.

“In the end, the stories you’re hearing from activists are nothing more than pilots for their own imagined works of fiction. Particle accelerators, while highly advanced, cannot cause the kind of supernatural, superheroish events some activists are describing. Barry Allen has links to members of our department, and we will take a personal hand in doing everything we can to make sure he recovers. But, worst case scenario, should Mr. Allen not make the full recovery we are hoping and expecting, our blue league of Justice won’t be any different as a result. We will still continue to fight crime and criminals like we always have done. Nothing has changed here. The future will attest to that ten years from now, I’m sure.”

When further asked about reports of a flaming half-weasel, half-man “Burning Rodent” also reportedly seen in Geneva City moments after the supposed death of the creature that chewed through a cable on CERN’s accelerator, Police Captain David Singh just shook his head and labeled such reports as “silly”.

(Please see http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-36173247 for the original article, “Large Hadron Collider: Weasel Causes Shutdown”.)

[SATIRE] Ghostbusters??? (Updated)

(Original Post: April 18, 2016)

Apologies to all my blog readers. With regret, I must announce that the picture posted online in a previous article which I errantly claimed to be a promotional photo for the upcoming Ghostbusters movie is actually a FAKE. My sincerest apologies to anyone I may have hurt or disappointed as a result of my general laziness and lack of due diligence. To try to make amends, I have spent considerable time scouring the Internet for more ACCURATE information, and, as a result, I have found the original, unedited promotional picture for the genuine upcoming reboot of this classic science fiction movie. I present it to you now, attached to this post, with a promise that in the future I will always fact check my sources before posting anything to social media with a half-hearted claim of veracity. I hope this corrected image share encourages you to watch the actual Ghostbusters movie coming this summer to theaters near you (and coming to trash cans near you shortly thereafter), starring an animated Chandra Nalaar from Magic the Gathering, a cthulhu monster, an alien from District 9, the Prophet of Regret from Halo, and apparently a talking bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken with a woman’s body attached. Hmmm… odd casting choices.

[SATIRE] Clinton Clinton 2016

(Original Post: April 6, 2016)

In an attempt to further solidify her position as likely Democratic nominee for President, Hillary Clinton made an unprecedented move by announcing her initial choice for running mate should she triumph, as expected, over opponent Bernie Sanders in the Democratic primary.

“The primary responsibility of any Vice-President,” former Governor Clinton began. “Is to take over the seat of President should something, legal perhaps, happen to the current President. Like, for example, an unfounded FBI witch hunt over private email servers. Just for example. Well, I can tell you that my choice for running mate is a pillar of political integrity in the Democratic party, and, most of all, someone who could easily fill the seat of President in my absence. Mostly because he himself was President just a few years short ago! My husband… William Jefferson Clinton!”

As the press went into a buzz over the shocking announcement, fellow Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders imitated Clinton’s tactics, by also appointing a same last named nominee for Vice President.

“In spite of popular opinion, I do not hate business and I can prove it. Allow me to introduce to you my running mate should I become Democratic nominee for President of the United States… Kentucky’s own Colonel Harland Sanders.”

As puzzled press questioned whether or not Mr. Sanders realized that the actual Colonel Harlan Sanders had been dead for many years, and the man standing next to him was actually an impostor from a KFC television commercial, Sanders looked confused for a few minutes before whispering to the white-suited man standing beside him, and requesting his actual name.

“What I meant, was that my running mate, who LOOKS like Kentucky’s own Colonel Sanders, is local Tennessee actor and Colonel Sanders impersonator, Michael Farthington!”

As Mr. Sanders then proceeded to fall asleep on stage while nuzzling his head against his podium microphone in full view of reporters, his potential running mate, Mr. Farthington began to sell the crowd on KFC’s new “Nashville Hot Chicken”, available at your local Kentucky Fried Chicken store for, according to reporters on scene, “a limited time only”.

“There’s a clear choice for Democratic president nominee this year!” Clinton followed up, in an interview on MSNBC the following day. “The Clinton/Clinton ticket beats any other Presidentual combination out there! And, to quell the rumors before they crop up, no, Monica Lewinsky will not be ‘Secretary of State’ as some of you on the Internet have suggested.”

“Awwww…. why not?” a voice oddly similar to that of former President Bill Clinton interjected from somewhere in the background of the MSNBC studio set.

“BECAUSE I SAID SO, BILL, THAT’S WHY!” Hillary shouted off into the crowd, before making the “I’m watching you” gesture with her fingers by pointing at her eyes and then off at the mysterious figure in the crowd she was addressing.

“What about Socks the cat for Secretary of Defense?”

“WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT AT HOME, BILL!” Hillary interjected, gesturing angrily at the silver-haired gentleman in the distance to quit talking.

“Awwww…. ok.”

When asked for a response by CNN, current Republican frontrunner Donald Trump responded by insulting multiple minority groups, suggesting the creation of a ‘large bonfire’ to scare away terrorists in France, and by selling several CNN employees the first two seasons of “The Apprentice” on Blu-Ray DVD. Also asked the same question by CNN, Ted Cruz merely shook his head and sighed, while John Kasich drooled on himself and asked for a lollipop. During each of these CNN interviews, Mitt Romney snuck onto the set and waved from the background to get viewers’ attention while standing just out of view of each candidate. Current President Obama was unavailable for comment, as he is vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard preceding his upcoming trip next week to Martha’s Vineyard for some much needed R&R.

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Non-Sensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Do not try to donate to it. It would not work out for you.

[SATIRE] 2016 Brackets – An Objective Analysis

(Original Post: March 29, 2016)

2016 Brackets

(Click the image above to see a full size version.)

Now that we have reached the “Final Four” of this year’s NCAA tournament, the time for introspection begins. For that purpose, I present my brackets for this year. Here’s my big wins and losses:

*SOUTH: A lot of my First Round picks were correct, including Washington Court House High School J.V. (9) beating Colorado (8) and Guadalajara (11) beating Arizona (6). Unfortunately, my prediction that “Pete Rose Pinch Hits for Hawaii” would win this region sadly ended with their loss to Villanova. My “DOUBLE KO” scenario between Guadalajara and Miami (FL) in the second round also did not come to pass, with Miami (FL) winning that game instead.
Overall Prediction Accuracy: 47%

WEST: My biggest mistake came up right in Round 1 as my choice for region winner, “SUPER SAIYAN Donald Trump” was shutdown after 16th seed Donald Trump’s loss to 1st seed Kansas. The actual region winner, 2nd seed Oklahoma, won against my predictions against their Round 1 opponent, 15th seed Casey Station from Antarctica. This prevented the intervention of Dragon Ball Z’s Son Goku in the tournament, as was otherwise predicted by me during the Round 2 Kansas versus Casey Station game, eliminating the presence of Super Saiyans in March Madness this year.
Overall Prediction Accuracy: 27%

EAST: This one was also way off. My guess that Kentucky would face one of the five Kansas teams in the finals for this region was shot down both by Kentucky’s loss to Indiana in Round 2 (I expected Civil War battlefield team Chickamauga to defeat Indiana before losing to Kentucky) and Kansas’s loss to Wisconsin. North Carolina won the region to my surprise, although I did predict the Bralley F. Austin (14) versus East Virginia (3) upset, which is encouraging. If only Chickamauga had beaten Indiana…
Overall Prediction Accuracy: 33%

MIDWEST: Again, I predicted a fair amount of the upsets here. I called “AR… I’m a Pirate”‘s win against Purdue, Gonzaga’s defeat of Seton Hall, and Dayton Light Service’s win against Dayton. I never imagined Dayton Light Service would make it all the way to the Final Four, however. The big upset of Alderaan in Round 1 by 15th seed Malcolm in the Middle Tennessee threw off my brackets quite a lot, since I was expecting them to win the region before losing to one of the five Kansas teams, my predicted NCAA Tournament winner. On a personal note, I was sad to see that the Gonzaga versus Gonzaga State grudge match did not occur this year, despite only requiring Gonzaga State’s defeat of Utah to have occurred. I’m also not 100% sure if Iowa State beat Iowa or some strange team called “Iona”. I fear the typo on my brackets may have confused me enough to throw off my predictions. Is “Iona” a real thing?
Overall Prediction Accuracy: 27%

My Final Four:2016 Brackets - Final Four

Pete Rose Pinch Hits for Hawaii, SUPER SAIYAN Donald Trump, Kansas (East), Use the Force (Alderaan) – All Wrong

My Total Prediction Accuracy This Year (Including Final Games): 32% (About 1 in 3 Games Correct)