Tag: Olympics

[SATIRE] Flash Season 3 Antagonist Revealed – Usain Bolt!!!

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As comic book enthusiasts and casual fans of the series alike prepare themselves for the third season of the CW’s critically-acclaimed “The Flash” television series, anonymous leaks to Arrow/Flash fansite, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, have left many fans of the Scarlet Speedster feeling the Jitters.

Just as the first two seasons of The Flash revolved around a single primary antagonist, so, too, will Season 3 revolve around a single ultimate adversary for Barry Allen to overcome, but this rival speedster – the only remaining character in the DC multiverse still capable of matching Barry Allen’s velocity – is none other than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt.

“After watching him defeat Reverse Flash and Zoom, the writers of the show asked themselves – who the heck is there for Flash to fight now?” anonymous sources reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com.  “Well, we were going to read this big stack of old comic books DC dropped off for us to review, then there was this big Blackout.  While we were goofing off waiting for the Light to come back on, one of us brought up the Olympics, and that’s when it hit us – Usain Bolt!”

Appearing early in Season 3 under the moniker “Reverse Bolt”, Usain will appear in Flash canon as a former Olympian who, after falling into a contaminated green diving pool during a previous summer Olympic games, gained speed-based superpowers far beyond those of a normal human.  A Multiplex of other “medal-humans”, as they will be called, encountered by “The Flash” in this season will feature similar origins related to the viridian-hued waters of the strange diving pool.  Anonymous sources have already confirmed many single-episode Flash villains with names such as “Dur-Ant Man”, a basketball player with SuperSonic speed capable of shrinking using a non-Marvel-copyrighted shrink suit, “Mike Eel Freestyle”, an ace swimmer/amateur rap artist capable of generating an electric field while drinking under the influence, and “Venus De Vile-o”, a really evil Tennis player capable of creating exactly one almost identical clone of herself.

As filming went underway, some on the production team apparently questioned the direction that Season 3 was going, but their meltdown was silenced after an unnamed Everyman on the team uncovered some of the rejected ideas for antagonists thrown away by “The Flash” writers before accepting and pushing forward with the Usain Bolt idea.

“Speed Buggy.” another member of the film crew revealed to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s anonymous sources.  “They were going to call him Room-a-Zoom-Zoom Zoom.”

“I think Speed Racer was in the mix, too.” he later added.  “Pretty much everything everything animated or in a comic book with Speed in its name made it into the discussion at some point.  There was even a plan to make an entire episode about Speedos.  It was not a Golden day in the drawing room when they discussed that one.”

While it has been confirmed via multiple sources that Usain Bolt will not play himself in the upcoming Season Three of Flash, there are reports he will still appear in the show at some point.

“We’re thinking of making him the next Firestorm.  We’ve had everyone else be Firestorm.  Might as well throw him in there, too.”

While more than a few fans are objecting to the information revealed about “The Flash” Season Three by DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, they are not the only ones.  Kevin Durant, Michael Phelps, and Venus Williams have already filed preliminary lawsuits, as has the entire International Olympics Committee and nation of Brazil in the World Court.

“Really?  A contaminated GREEN diving pool in a Summer Olympic games physically affecting the bodies of those who swim in it?” Andre de Santos, Director of the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero, said to reporters early yesterday morning, while standing in front of an empty Olympics aquatics facility crisscrossed with yellow caution tape and signs reading “Caution” and “Biohazard” in Portuguese.

“Besides, a green liquid causing mutation is just crazy.” a large human-sized talking Turtle said from somewhere behind Mr. Santos while spinning a pair of Japanese nunchaku weapons.  “But enough about that.  Anybody know where I can order a Coast City pizza around here?  I could Rilla-Go for one right now.”

[SATIRE] Torch Runner Accidentally Starts a Dozen Wildfires with Olympic Flame

(Original Post: August 11, 2016)

As sports enthusiasts across the world have celebrated the opening of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, many local residents have found themselves too distracted with a much more pressing concern to focus on anything directly related to the famed international athletics competition.  Specifically, one revolving around an unfortunate event that occurred during the much-lauded “running of the torch” that occurs before the start of every ancient and modern Olympics.

“He dropped the torch while running through our village.” reports Bernardo Gonzaga, resident of a small farming community located along the route run by Olympic athletes to light the torch in Rio de Janiero.  “He dropped it right into my wife’s flower garden, and it went up like kindling!  We are doing everything we can to keep the fire from spreading further, but it has already destroyed half the village, and the authorities refuse to allow us to throw water on it!”

“Attempting to extinguish the fire from an Olympic torch before the completion of the Olympic games is a sacrilege.” Andre de Santos from the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero confirmed to “Eye of Zatara” sources yesterday. “We simply cannot allow such a glaring insult to the 205 countries that have gathered in our good nation to share the spirit of brotherhood, comradery, and freedom that is born from the international competition exemplified in the Olympic games.  We have advised Mr. Gonzaga and the other residents of Madeira Queima that they are free to dig trenches, put up sand bags, and take other purely defensive measures to prevent further spread of the Olympic flame, but they are not to use water or any other means to extinguish the fires until the conclusion of the Olympics competition on the 21st.”

Madeira Queima was not the only village apparently set ablaze by the clumsiness of this same Olympic torch runner, however.

“My husband and children barely made it out of our house alive.  We knew the torch runner would be passing through our town that night, but, frankly, we were just too tired to try and greet him with the others from the village.” a frustrated and emotional Catalina Olivera Alvares explained to travelling CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, on Wednesday.  “We should have been there.  We should have been watching.  Then, maybe we could have stopped him.  Then, maybe, we would still have our home.”

It seems homes and villages were not the only areas affected by torch-runner-related wildfires, as well.

“It’s true this area is not heavily populated, but it is the only known habitat of the endangered Redwort Tree Frog, or, at least, it was,” European biologist Micheal Vandenshire of the International Scientific Cooperative for the Preservation of Endangered Amphibious Species explained to news blog “NowNews” on Tuesday.  “I fear that due to the careless wielding of the Olympic torch that has so affected this once forested region, there may no longer be any living specimens of the creature remaining.  It is unfortunate, as the slime from the Redwort had medicinal properties that some in our community believed could one day be used to treat a variety of ailments, or even create a cure for the common cold.”

Since all of these incidents occurred along what has been discovered to be the route of a single torch runner, multiple news outlets have attempted to reach out to the Olympics Committee and to local Rio de Janiero Olympic officiators to identify the person responsible for the now more than twelve confirmed wildfires, at least four of which are still continuing to spread across the fields and forests of the eastern Brazilian coastal region without waning.  No party, thus far, has been forthcoming with this information.

“Eye of Zatara” sources attempted to follow-up from Andre de Santos from the Department of Public Health and Safety for further comment about this issue, but were advised he could not be reached, as he was recovering from smoke inhalation after attending a private ceremony to honor multiple local citizens involved in the implementation of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio, including all local torch runners, when the residence they were in inexplicably burst into flames.