Tag: The Matrix

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS — The “Real” Review (Blue Pill)

Review By: “The Gatekeeper”

“The Matrix: Resurrections” is the most interesting movie I have ever seen about Microsoft Excel, and the only movie about Microsoft Excel that, to my knowledge, stars Keanu Reeves. Apparently the sequel to another trilogy of movies that I haven’t seen, “The Matrix: Resurrections” is the story about a homeless man named “Neato” who wanders into some kind of modern day technology firm and begins working on an Excel matrix there until it seems to take over his life, and even cause him to seek after some other homeless-looking lady named “Serenity” which I think is from that show, Firefly, but I can’t say for certain, because I also haven’t seen that.

Apparently, in a previous “Matrix” movie, a younger looking dude that looks nothing like today’s Keanu Reeves hooked up with Serenity in some kind of green-looking city that kind of hurt my eyes to see flashbacks of. Then, John Smith, the guy who married Pocahontas if I remember third grade history class correctly, tried to kill this younger Keanu Reeves person for some reason, but Keanu stopped them using the power of his X-Box One, hereafter just referred to as his “The One”, possibly by hacking their Excel matrix. (Honestly, I didn’t even know Microsoft Excel could run on an X-Box, but I guess that’s what made him such a cool hacker in the previous films. Who knew?)

There is a lot of shooting things in this movie. Like, a lot, a lot. And, sometimes, when he’s being shot at, Neato (Keanu Reeves)’s internet connection to the Excel matrix seems to lag up, as the bullets stop hitting him and everything kind of moves slow for a while. Honestly, it’s kind of like playing Overwatch. I think he said his internet service provider was “Bullet Time”, which I have never heard of, so no wonder he has such poor connection speeds. Also, based on his scruffy hair and beard, I am still assuming that Neato is homeless, so he probably doesn’t have any money to upgrade his internet connection with, either.

At the end of the movie, something happens, but I can’t tell you what that something is because I kind of fell asleep playing “Pokemon: Shining Diamond” while watching the movie, and had a weird mixed dream about the two where Keanu Reeves was telling me about the legend of Dialga, and I woke up screaming “Use the Master Ball!” right as “Resurrections” started its end credits. So, since I did not see the ending of the movie, I will now make one up, and will sternly judge the movie based upon the merits of the ending that I happened to think of as the first thing on the top of my head after watching it.

So, Neato and Serenity ultimately get cornered by the villain of this movie, Orville Redenbacher, who attempts to trade them popcorn in exchange for helping him record his business expenses on Neato’s latest Excel matrix. Neato refuses, however, and calls a fleet of those Imperial Star Destroyers with Death Star lasers on them from the last horrible Star Wars movie and blasts Orville Redenbacher into non-existence along with half of the greater Seattle area. (I’m just kind of assuming they all live in Seattle.) Then, Neato and Serenity move to Cleveland to open a general goods store, and live happily ever after, until the sequel where they’re recruited by Nick Fury to fight Thanos’ evil little brother, Kyle, who has seven Infinity Stones now, one more than his older brother because he’s more evil. The End.

Overall, I would recommend “The Matrix Resurrections” to anyone looking to get a good night’s sleep, to anyone who is a fan of Microsoft Excel, or to anyone who has seen either “Firefly” or the original “Matrix” movies. I would think that having any idea who Neato and Serenity are instead of just imagining it in their heads will get a lot more enjoyment out of this movie than I did. I would like to warn anyone watching this movie, however, that the ending is kind of bad. Like the Orvile Redenbacher thing makes no sense, and seems completely thrown it there at random, and the Imperial Star Destroyers blowing up the city around Neato and Serenity seemed really contrived. Overall, I’d give the movie a 7 out of 5, which is an improper fraction, a testament to the improper way I felt this movie treated its source material, if it has any, as I do not know – I have never seen any of the other “Matrix” movies.

There you go. Final score, 7/5. I will now return to playing Pokémon and/or napping until my next review. Don’t wake me until then. (Unless you want to trade Pokémon.)

~The Gatekeeper

(Click here to see The Watchman’s review now.)

[REVIEW] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS — The Normal Review (Red Pill)

Review By: “The Watchman”

“The Matrix: Resurrections” is a genuine, thoughtful attempt to reboot “The Matrix” trilogy in a way that doesn’t feel like simply another tired rehash of a once interesting story for a quick corporate payout like we see so often today in creatively bankrupt Hollywood. This is quite a monumental task when faced with the challenge of adding on to a trilogy with as much history and love as “The Matrix”, but, for the most part, I’d say the writer’s attempt at creating something interesting and new is successful. “The Matrix: Resurrections” is in no way on the same level as the original “The Matrix” movie, but I’m not sure that it even intends to be. The writers of “Resurrections” seemed to be genuinely concerned about the effect of adding on to the closed loop of their original trilogy. They tried their best to capture as much of the original magic of the first three films as they could, but also made sure to tell a new story that stands soundly on its own merits, not as a faded Xerox copy of the original movies, but as something unique and new, albeit something which is more than a little bit flawed at times.

After finishing “The Matrix: Resurrections”, I have to say, overall, that some of my least favorite parts of the entire movie were the times they seemed to be trying too hard to callback characters and scenes from the original Matrix movies (including the first 20 minutes which felt very rough), whereas I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of the new characters and concepts introduced in their place, with the antagonist of the movie being one of my all-time favorites in the entire film (behind Keanu Reeves, of course).

Like the original “Matrix”, the film does its best to keep you guessing for a while about the nature of what is really going on in the film – what is real and what is not – and how can you even know? What is the difference between facts and fiction, where is in the line between them? Are memories facts or fiction? Can they be both? What really happened in the span of time between “Revolutions” and “Resurrections”? Did the events of the original three movies as we know them even happen at all?

Even once things begin to gain a certain degree of clarity, I found it hard to ever figure out what was going to happen next in the movie, or even how major scenes were going to play out. For 2 1/2 hours, the film had my full attention, as I genuinely watched each and every minute to see how the story would go, wanting more and more to see the unpredictable ending that it was building up to. (I say this, but my mind may have honestly drifted a little during the action sequences, although I’m not the biggest action guy, so that’s not saying much. Still, even to me, they did seem like a notch down from the action in the original Matrix. How can action scenes be both over-the-top, yet also bland? Some of the action scenes in this movie were exactly that. Sorry, action lovers.)

Like with the original “Matrix”, I feel compelled to watch the movie again in order to really understand it. Will it grow on me with each successive view like the original? Or will it lose its luster over time like with “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”? Can the interesting premise started in this new (possibly?) trilogy of movies be continued with the same originality and sparkle as “Resurrections”, or is this the Star Wars sequel trilogy all over again? Only time will tell. For the moment, I cannot be certain.

What I can say is, as a fan of the original “Matrix” trilogy, I found this movie genuinely enjoyable and will likely watch it again before it leaves HBO Max. If you liked the original movies, I would highly recommend that you give it a try, especially if you have HBO Max. Make sure you are willing to watch at least 30 minutes of it, however, as I feel like the first few scenes of “Resurrections” are some of the weakest in the entire film and are very lacking in any emotional value until you’ve gotten later into the movie and know the characters shown in those scenes. Once you see Neo again, however… I dare you to give up and walk away without a fight. Overall, this movie isn’t “The One” like the first “Matrix”, but it is, at the very least, a Decent One.

Overall Score: 7.5/10

~The Watchman

(Click here to see The Gatekeeper’s review.)

[REVIEW/SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS [Real Reviews by Real Weirdos]

[Original Post: Wednesday, December 22, 2021]

Hello, Everyone, and greetings from the only sane member of the “Eye of Zatara” crew, “The Watchman”!

The latest Matrix film, “The Matrix Resurrections”, dropped on HBO Max earlier today, so I sat down with our usual writer, “The Gatekeeper”, so we could share our thoughts and opinions on the new film with you. (Yes, for real. This is not satire.) Below you will find two very different reviews for the movie:

(1) My completely normal, genuine, honest, and thought-provoking review, spoiler free. I know. Real content on here. Strange, right?

(2) The Gatekeeper’s usual incoherent nonsense woven loosely together into a strange mind-rotting review that is as much insane as it is insightful. Read this one at your own risk. It’s much more in line with our usual content.

Make your choice below:


Click this red link, and I, The Watchman, will tell you the truth about “The Matrix Resurrections” without ridiculous over-the-top satire.

OR:

Click this blue link, and The Gatekeeper will ramble on about strange things that don’t really make sense to anyone but himself, but which could be considered funny maybe? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m just the editor here.

Red or blue?

Fantasy or truth?

Both options are available. Which will you choose?