Time Travel – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Biden Accepts Newest Challenge from Vladimir Putin – “Lightsaber Duel” in Place of Televised Debate

(Original Post: March 22, 2021)

Imperial Palace, Coruscant – Preparations are being hastily made for what is being called a “Duel of the Fates” as Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, escalated his previous challenge to Joe Biden for a televised debate, now requesting a Jedi lightsaber duel in the heart of the Imperial Palace on planet Coruscant, a request which U.S. President Biden has, surprisingly, accepted.

Leaving a spaceport in Moscow clothed entirely in black robes, Vladimir Putin, also known as “Darth Sykkle”, activated the hyperdrive on his small Imperial model shuttlecraft to take him to the Palace on Coruscant ahead of Biden, to await him, lightsaber in hand, ready to show all of America the power of the Communist “red side” of the Force.

It is unclear what the outcome of this battle will be, but video footage supposedly of the battle itself was delivered to the “Eye of Zatara” by an old man in a Hoveround muttering about Benjamin Franklin. The following unconfirmed information is the record of the battle.

“Listen, Buddy, if you wanna… You’re… You’re a knucklehead, you know that? I could… I could kick your one Force pony into next week! You hear me?” President Biden muttered to a house plant hanging on the wall along one side of the duelists’ ring in the heart of the Imperial Palace.

“Mr. Biden, I know you are busy, but, before I cut you down, there is something you must know…” Darth Sykkle smiled beneath the black Sith hood of his robes, igniting the crimson blade of his silver-hilted energy sword.

“Look, if you’re about to say you’re my father, you’re a heck of a lot older than you look.”

“No…” Vladimir Putin answered with an insidious cackle. “I am… CORN POP’S father. I am the reason he went down the wrong path, and threatened you at that pool you used to work at.”

Hearing this, U.S. President Biden’s expression changed in an instant, the once frail-looking leader standing up tall and facing Darth Sykkle with a ferocious look of knowing determination as he activated his own “Luigi Green” colored lightsaber and raised it in challenge like a master fencer’s rapier towards the face of the corrupted Russian dictator.

“Not good enough.” Putin laughed as he waved his hand at Biden, striking him with a burst of Force energy and throwing him down the staircase located directly behind him on the dueling platform. “And, by the way, that’s the SECOND time I’ve thrown you down a staircase with the Force in the last week, Mr. President!”

Putin laughed maniacally, as Biden collapsed pathetically on the staircase.

“It’s over…” Putin smiled as he walked to the top of the staircase and stared down at the once again confused and befuddled American leader.

“It is NOT.” Another voice chimed in from the shadows, as a new weapon activated behind Darth Sykkle, revealing the face of a black and red armored Kamala Harris holding a large, shuriken-like, four-bladed lightsaber ring, each blade on the weapon a shade of red matching exactly the color of freshly spilt blood.

“What?” Putin raised an eyebrow in confusion, turning around to face his new challenger.

“It is said with Sith there are always two – a Master and an Apprentice. This is true.” Vice President Harris showed but the tiniest hint of a smirk as she threw her strange lightsaber at Putin in a blur too fast for his eyes to even track, cutting him down in a single slashing movement without giving him so much as a chance to defend himself against her. “You made the mistake of challenging the Apprentice. Now you fall before the Master…”

“And you have made the same mistake…” another voice echoed in the old duelists’ arena, an odd, unnaturally-colored, orange-skinned right hand reaching down to retrieve the still glowing red lightsaber from the injured Putin’s grasp, a “Luigi Green” saber already shining in his left. “You have slain MY Apprentice – one I picked on the Russia version of my show, The Apprentice. Now, thanks to that, once I finish you, I will control Vanuatu, the United States, Coruscant, AND Russia. Then, I will make the whole GALAXY great again!”

The strange orange alien with a fuzzy, hair-like growth on his head chuckled, wrapped head-to-toe in a red cloak made out of “MAGA” hats overlaid on an awkwardly-drawn American flag with the incorrect number of stars and stripes on it.

“Kamala… or, should I say… Darth Ka-Maula…” former President Trump smiled in the light of his two stolen lightsabers, glowing bright in each of his hands from the fallen Apprentices of the two Dark Lords now facing off against one another at last. “Winning is literally my thing. What chance do you think you have against someone like me?”

“Winning may be something you excel at…” the Vice President spoke calmly, using the Force to bring her lightsaber ring weapon back into hand. “But, if I recall correctly, the only time someone stopped you from winning… it was an election, it was last year, and it was ME.”

Trump’s eyes filled with fury, but he said nothing to his confident opponent.

“What’s wrong? Nothing to say without Twitter to hide behind?” Kamala mocked, raising her weapon in challenge to the 45th President.

“I’m going to beat you so bad even a Dominion voting machine can’t put you back together again…” Trump smiled, charging at Kamala as the two clashed blades in an epic cascade of sparking flashes of light.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the background, a third figure watched over the battle, interlacing her fingers and smiling silently to herself, cloaked in a shadow of the Force so thick that even the Dark Lords clashing before her had no idea she was even there at all.

“Excellent…” Kathleen Kennedy smiled over the battle as Kamala and Trump battled evenly against one another in a tremendous display of swordsmanship and skill. “I’m not sure which of the two of them will win in the end. But, whichever one does… I will make them MY new apprentice…”

A cold chill filled the hearts of everyone in the galaxy.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Warning to Hill Valley Residents – Entire Town Will Go “Back to the Future” at 2 AM

(Original Post: March 13, 2021)

Hill Valley, California – Residents of the sleepy town of Hill Valley were less than amused late last night when a man, looking suspiciously like a younger Christopher Lloyd, began running through the streets of their small suburban utopia screaming about time travel.

“Everyone, you have to prepare yourselves!” Emmett “Doc” Brown explained, waking everyone up at the nocturnal hour of 2 am this morning. “Based on my calculations, this time tomorrow, everyone and everything in this town will go… ‘Back to the Future’. One hour in the future, to be precise, and everything that would otherwise occur between the hours of 2 am and 3 am on Sunday, March 14th, 2021 will cease to exist!”

“We know!” A rather irritated looking woman shouted back through the second floor window of her townhouse as “Doc” Brown ran by screaming. “It’s called Daylight Savings Time! Leave us alone!”

“You KNOW about this???” Mr. Brown stopped in his tracks, looking confused. “If they know about the future, then someone else in this town must have gained access to my DeLorean. The only explanation is that someone used the DeLorean to time travel into the future, found out about the missing hour on March 14th, and then returned to this time and told everyone about it. But, to what end? Great Scott, the consequences to the fabric of time and space itself from such interference will be enormous!”

“Yo, Doc… I think maybe we should go home and take those pills I was trying to give you earlier. You know, the ones that make you less like a bad movie character.” a strangely hip young Michael J. Fox lookalike rushed up to the old man a little winded, having been unable to find a hoverboard to help him catch up to the ranting and running old man more quickly after learning of his escapades. “Einstein hasn’t been fed in like a week, and the ASPCA have left like five letters on your door. I don’t think Daylight Savings Time is going to change any of that.”

“YOU know about it, too?” “Doc” Brown eyed his young comrade suspiciously. “But… how? Don’t tell me… YOU’RE the one who took the DeLorean to the future and told all these people about the time skip ahead of me???”

“No, it’s like… Benjamin Franklin started all this. I think.” the orange-jacketed young man scratched his head trying to remember the details of a history class that occurred off-screen. “It’s to ration daylight. So it’s brighter during normal business hours no matter what time of year it is. Any of this ringing a bell?”

“I should have known it was that Franklin chap that started all of this…” the old man’s eyes narrowed, a look of fierce determination in his gaze. “Get my Hoveround, Marty… We’re going to go give ‘Poor Richard’ something to almanac about.”

When residents woke up and began investigating the strange screaming that had disturbed their sleep over the course of the night, not a soul in Hill Valley could locate the man who calls himself “Doc Brown” or the young scruffy-headed teenager who had been trying to get him to take his medication. However, when they began going about their business later that day, the more affluent members of their community noticed that the portrait in the middle of any $100 bills in their possession had changed overnight, replaced with a blurry photo of an old man with white hair sitting on a modern, electric motor scooter.

Members of a group calling themselves the “Legends of Tomorrow” appeared in their town shortly after, to investigate the “second instance of time travel that had occurred in California this week”, but nobody cared.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Mystery in the San Francisco Skies – Actual Starships from ‘Star Trek’ Time Travel to Stop Alex Kurtzman

[March 8, 2021]
San Francisco, CA – In a startling revelation with great potential consequences to the future of humanity, large space-faring warships belonging to the once thought fictional United Federation of Planets, Klingon Empire, and Romulan Star Empire from “Star Trek” continuity appeared in the upper atmosphere over 24-593 Federation Drive, future home of Starfleet Headquarters, with an ultimatum for the people of the United States – “Stop making terrible Star Trek.”

“This Alex Kurtzman P’Tok that writes your shows is defaming the future of our galaxy!” shouted the commander of the Klingon vessel, the T’Kala. “Our fallen brothers in Stovokor cry out in shame over the bleeding of their honor! This human Kurtzman portrays us as cannibalistic, Trump-supporting, bald orc MONSTERS who fly pyramid ships through the stars like imbeciles!”

“We do not approve of the humanistic propaganda in your ‘Star Trek: Picard’ that claims the Romulan Star Empire lacks enough ships to even evacuate its own citizens from its homeworld in the event of a disaster.” Added Commander Revok of the Romulan Bird of Prey, the Va’nera. “What kind of threat would we be to your Federation in ‘The Next Generation’ if we didn’t even have more than a handful of ships to our name? As our misguided Vulcan cousins would say, that is highly illogical. Two can play at this misguided war of false information, Humans.”

“Give them a chance!” Alex Kurtzman replied, in a message sent to the ships hovering over San Francisco from a safe underground bunker at an unspecified location nearby. “I know you all are obsessed with Star Trek being EXACTLY how it used to be, but give my shows a chance! They’re full of love! And really stupid things! Love and really stupid things! Kind of like a family!”

“A woman from an alternate universe in the distant past defeated a hologram from far in the future by blinking at it,” replied Captain John Tolliver of the U.S.S. Everlast. “How does that even work?”

“Uh…” Kurtzman stuttered.

“Romulan agents blew up the shipyards building a fleet to save our people in the Romulus system from being annihilated by a supernova blast.” Commander Revok of the Va’nera added. “Why would we do such a thing?”

“Well…” Kurtzman swallowed hard.

“That honorless woman that stars in your ‘Lower Decks’ garbage said all Klingons have apostrophes in their names.” Captain Kah’lok of the Klingon T’Kala interjected, angrily. “That is racist human filth! Has she not heard of the great Kang and Kodos? What of the Federation’s own Lieutenant Commander Worf? Have you not even heard of HIM???”

“I, uh… I don’t know who that is.” Kurtzman scratched his head.

The Klingon ship charged its weapons.

“Wait, all of you, listen to me, I’m sure there’s a better way!” another signal appeared from somewhere in the area, broadcast to the gathered starships from a nearby television studio in Los Angeles, this time from former Star Trek child actor, Wil Wheaton, who played the character, “Wesley Crusher” on “The Next Generation”. “If I learned anything from my time on TNG, it’s that aggression and violence never solve anything. Come on, Everybody, let’s come together and believe that!”

The Klingon ship fired immediately on Wil Wheaton’s location and nothing more was ever spoken of the matter by anyone.

“Wait, let’s… sit down… and… talk… about this… together.” Another Star Trek actor intervened, hailing the future ships from a fan replica of the original series Enterprise given to him as a gift for reading a fan script with him. “This is… Captain… James T. Kirk… played by… Bill Shatner. I am… pleading with you… in the… name of peace… You must… stand down… and… listen to me…”

“It appears that man is having a seizure.” a science officer on the bridge of the U.S.S. Everlast noted, as their crew attempted to decipher the cryptic communication. “He keeps… stopping and starting his sentences. Is it some kind of code?”

Before any of the ships from the future could understand what William Shatner was talking about, another ship from the future, who had apparently followed the first three ships through the same convenient “anomaly of the week” they used to appear here, emerged at once above the innocent San Francisco skies and began immediately firing some kind of advanced tractor beam at Alex Kurtzman’s location.

“Resistance is futile. Your future and your lore will be assimilated.” the Borg Cube announced, as the other three ships from the future raised their shields and began firing their weapons in vain against the massive block of interlocking technology. “Once the future of the Alpha Quadrant becomes known to the Borg in its entirety, we can alter our strategies to more quickly assimilate the species in your sectors.”

“Wait… strange alien ship… you must not absorb that… contradictory… nonsense…” William Shatner tried in vain to hail the Borg ship from his apparently somewhat working fan replica of the Enterprise. “Your minds… cannot… handle… the… terrible… writing!”

The Borg Ship exploded.

“No…” William Shatner ripped off his shirt while overacting before a nonexistent studio audience. “I… tried… to… warn them.”

“It’s alright! We managed to beam Alex Kurtzman onto the Everlast in the very nick of time.” Captain John Tolliver announced, as his Galaxy-class ship cancelled Red Alert status upon confirmation of the Borg Cube’s destruction. “Funny how Federations ships always manage to do that when stuff explodes.”

“Come on, then, let’s return to the future. We can deal with this… Kurtzman… once we are back in our time.” Captain Kah’lok shouted, before returning with the Federation and Romulans back to the 24th century.

“Good, they think they’ve settled things.” a voice echoed quietly amongst the Los Angeles rubble created by the Klingon ship T’Kala’s disruptors. A few seconds later, a smiling Wil Wheaton phased back into regular space using the reality warping powers taught to him by “The Traveller” on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”, laughing quietly to himself as he watched the starships from the future escape in the fading light of their impulse engine exhaust. “They think they’ve stopped me, because they took away Kurtzman. They have no idea. I can EASILY find another to take his place.”

Wil Wheaton smiled before looking directly at nearby passersby and talking to them as if they had any idea who he was or what he was talking about.

“All of the destruction of ‘Star Trek’,” he began, “reducing it from a beloved, intellectually-driven franchise about optimism and hope for the future, into a bland, dark, dystopian mishmash of generic science fiction concepts executed with no emotional or philosophical depth. It was me. It was ALWAYS me. I hated them for making me ‘Wesley Crusher’. I hated them for making me a laughing stock. Now I will make TREKKIES look pathetic! I will make ‘STAR TREK’ the laughing stock. I will show EVEN THE FUTURE ITSELF what it’s like to be the butt of everyone’s jokes! I will make everyone pay for all those videos on YouTube that compile together all the cast members of TNG saying ‘Shut up, Wesley.’ to me…”

Laughing maniacally with a standard evil Bond villain laugh, Wil Wheaton then turned once again to the stunned passersby gathered around him in the wreckage of the Los Angeles studio he had been scheming in when the ships from the future appeared.

“What, no ‘villain reveal’ song after I show my true colors to the world?” Wil Wheaton frowned. “I really need to find my way onto Disney Plus. If I was a secret villain on Disney Plus, they definitely would have given me a catchy ‘villain reveal’ song.”

According to sources close to “The Eye of Zatara”, Alex Kurtzman has not been seen on the planet Earth since the appearance of the strange ships from the future. Wil Wheaton, however, now confirmed live and well, has been spotted multiple times in the California area, sitting down with LucasFilm’s own Kathleen Kennedy of Star Wars sequel trilogy “fame”, and whispering to her as if offering her some kind of deal.

[SATIRE] Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster

(Original Post: October 11, 2016)

The series premieres of the CW’s line-up of DC Comics-based shows has brought joy to many, but anger to others, as spoilers from DC-TV-Spoilers.Com about the main antagonists for Season 3 of The Flash and Season 5 of Arrow have been quickly revealed as untrue, leading many followers of that website to abandon the site, and others redirected to it by other news blogs, including the Eye of Zatara, to also question those referencing and linking to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s information. The editor of that website holds firm to his sources, however, and is claiming that the creation of an alternate timeline is responsible for his supposed misinformation.

“I’m not really sure what happened, but the information I was given was completely accurate at the time I posted it to my blog. I wouldn’t have typed it up otherwise.” the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, known only to the Internet community as “Kal-AOL”, explains in a special statement at the top of his news blog. “Clearly, some sort of Speedster has altered the timeline, and created a new reality in which Usain Bolt is not the primary antagonist for Season 3 of The Flash, and director Zach Synder is not the Green Arrow’s adversary in Season 5 of Arrow. I’m honestly not sure how this is even possible, but it is the only explanation I can offer.”

Despite the clear impossibility of what Kal-AOL is saying, other bloggers have jumped to his defense, pointing out other inconsistencies with our current interpretation of reality that seems to align with the theory that we are living in an alternate version of the present created by Speedster intervention in the past.

“Has anyone questioning Kal-AOL’s theory even seen Season 4 of Arrow?” fellow Arrow/Flash universe blogger, “Marvin Manhunter”, wrote in an article today on his news blog, “DC Comix Rox”. “If temporal manipulation was not involved in the making of our current reality, how could a fifth season of Arrow even be made as bad as Season 4 was? Did you see the choreography? Black Canary’s primary tactic in battle was to run in a straight line at anyone shooting an automatic weapon at her, and, somehow, not die five minutes into the first episode. Don’t get me started on the ‘shoot first’ enemies only failing to go for the kill whenever a main character is surrounded, at which point, they suddenly hold back their fire. Or the enemies basically standing still any time a weaponless main character confronted them, offering absolutely no resistance to someone very slowly and awkwardly punching them, even when that character was outnumbered. I hope whatever Speedster selfishly ruined the original choreography for Season 4 gets eaten by a time wraith for it. I really do.”

“And what’s with Hulu not getting CW stuff anymore?” blogger “Flash Ketchum from Earth 2 Pallet Town” wrote on his news blog, “All’s Wells That Ends Thon”, “I definitely remember Hulu getting CW stuff in the original timeline. This is some parallel universe, multiversal tachyon bullcrap right here, that’s what this is.”

On non-DC-related news blogs, the current U.S. President race between Republican Party candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton has also been cited as compelling evidence of possible temporal tampering.

“The real question you should be asking,” Kal-AOL continued in the original statement on this subject posted late last week to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, “is that if we are really living in an alternate timeline, what can we do to return things back to the way they are supposed to be?”

After several minutes of discussion on his own personal theories on time travel, mostly a mix of Back to the Future and Hot Tub Time Machine, Kal-AOL finally gave the best answer he could to the problem of how to resolve the possible temporal conflict believed to be directly affecting all of reality around us.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Kal-AOL shrugged, using stage directions to note his shrug in the otherwise article-formatted prose of his most recent blog post. “And, even if we did fix the timeline, the unfathomable awesome that is Luke Cage might turn out the worse for it. Whatever your stance on fixing Arrow Season 4, I think you’ll agree with me that’s a risk our world just can’t afford to take. Forget Donald and Hillary… Luke Cage 2016!”

Since the original posting of this article to the Eye of Zatara, a “Luke Cage” section has been added to Kal-AOL’s blog, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, much to the protest of his primary DC-based readership – at least, until they watched their first episode of the Netflix Original Series and immediately celebrated along with the rest of us. Rumors have also begun to circulate that Libertarian Party candidate for U.S. President, Gary Johnson, has replaced his current running mate with the actor from Luke Cage in an attempt to bolster his chances in the election. It is now estimated he will receive a 0.02% share of the popular vote, up 400% from previous vote estimates of 0.005% before including Luke Cage in his platform.

[SATIRE] Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH

(Original Post: July 7, 2016)

In yet another shocking report revealed today by Tesla Motors concerning their experimental, self-driving “AutoPilot” system, officials in the small town of Hill Valley, California have confirmed the disappearance of one Martin J. McFly in what has been described as “a brilliant flash of otherworldly light leaving two tire tracks of fire extending forward on the road along the projected path of his vehicle”. Mr. McFly, a local delinquent with a history of assault convictions due to what several prosecutors have called a “hair trigger temper instantly ignited by the utterance of the common name for domesticed poultry”, had reportedly come across a Tesla AutoPilot system during a short-lived part time job at a mechanic’s shop, and, on a dare, installed the AutoPilot into a neighbor’s classic Delorean DMC-12 sedan before taking the then stolen vehicle on a brief, computer-guided joy ride.

Mr. McFly’s parents are grief-stricken about his disappearance just over a week ago today, but have refused to give up hope that their boy will someday return to them.

“I just know Marty’s still alive out there somewhere…” his mother, Mrs. McFly babbled, while stuffing her face with a handful of gravy-covered mashed potatoes from a popular fast food restaurant before washing the starchy appetizer down with a glass of cheap wine. “I got a post card from him the other day. Postmarked 1985. I don’t really understand that part, but the point is that my boy is still doing fine, living his life somewhere near… what appears to be a working clock tower, although the photo’s kind of grainy.”

“I’d say it was actually Hill Valley,” his mother added, “but our clock tower hasn’t worked in years.”

Reporters have attempted to interview the owner of the stolen Delorean, a local scientist and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, but our sources report that Hill Valley officials ended this line of investigation due to “Mr. Brown’s clearly declining mental state”.

“GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???” Mr. Brown screamed obliviously into our reporter’s face as she attempted to interview him earlier this morning concerning Mr. McFly’s sudden disappearance. “NO… NO… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. I CAN’T KNOW. ANY LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME COULD CAUSE A TEMPORAL PARADOX THAT THREATENS TO TEAR A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! OR WORSE, YOUR ADVISING ME OF THE PAST, COULD CAUSE OUR TIMELINE TO VEER OFF INTO AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE, WHERE THE ACTOR, RONALD REAGAN, IS ACTUALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND WHO KNOWS HOW THAT WOULD EFFECT THINGS? THIS ISN’T GOOD. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I’VE GOT TO GO BACK! DON’T YOU AGREE, EINSTEIN? I’VE GOT TO GO BACK NOW!”

“Um… Go where?” our reporter then asked nervously, reaching anxiously for the small can of mace hidden somewhere deep within her purse beneath a couple recently purchased CDs from a band called “The Starlighters”.

“WHAT? YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND? WHY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, OF COURSE!”

At this point, our reporter immediately terminated the interview, fearing for her safety as a result of Mr. Brown’s clearly aggitated and incoherent mental state, and running for the door as quickly as possible before driving off in one of our news vans also at ironically about 88 MPH.

Hill Valley officials say the search for Mr. McFly’s current whereabouts is ongoing, but advise the public not to automatically assume the Tesla AutoPilot system is to blame before the completion of their full investigation.

“It is clear that Delorean DMC-12s do not usually disappear into thin air in the middle of shopping mall parking lots while leaving nothing but a spinning ‘OUTATIME’ vanity plate and trails of sparks and flame on the ground behind them.” Local police chief James Strickland was quoted this morning during a formal press conference on the subject. “Nonetheless, we have learned that Mr. McFly had recently gotten involved in betting on horse races, so we are continuing to investigate this and other angles until Mr. McFly’s whereabouts can, at last, be confirmed.”

“He may also be operating under the alias of ‘Calvin Klein’.” Chief Strickland later added.

When a reporter from BBC News asked if there were any updates on a similar case involving a Tesla AutoPilot system being installed in 1960s London police box held by a collector in Hill Valley before the makeshift transportation device also disappeared without a trace. Mr. Strickland’s only reply was that “The Master” would not allow him to speak on the topic any further. The press conference was then abruptly terminated, and all attendees were advised to watch out for statues going home.