Author: The Watchman

[SATIRE] Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review]

(Original Post: November 29, 2016)

While our usual contributor, “The Gatekeeper”, takes a much needed birthday vacation this week, I received an unusual email at our general “Eye of Zatara” business address from a friend of his named Donovan Savage who writes for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine based out of Luxingfort, KY.  Apparently, he bought a DVD over the weekend, and reviewed a movie he insists upon calling “Avengers: Age of Voltron” which no one at his magazine will publish – most likely since the movie came out in May of 2015.  On the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper via instant messenger, however, I have decided to post his review here on “The Eye of Zatara” for your perusal.  Be forewarned, though, this Donovan Savage review doesn’t make much more sense than the usual dissociative mutterings of our dear Gatekeeper…

“Avengers: Age of Voltron”
[A Belated Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

Last Friday, I was lounging in my luxurious, pleather Slothboy recliner in my exquisite studio apartment when I decided to slum it with the less privileged by enjoying a DVD lent to me by a less fortunate colleague in the writing business, another one of those incessant Marvel movies that goes by the name of “Avengers: Age of Voltron”.  After refilling my wine glass with a chilled gentlemanly mixture of 2% cow’s milk and genuine Hershey’s chocolate syrup ordered directly from the Hershey plant in Pennsylvania, I sat back as the familiar, rectangular red and white logo of the pretentious Marvel comic book company scrolled across my massive 30″ flatscreen television and the almighty “Avengers” immediately swung into action fighting some sort of Germans who had appeared to have stolen Queen Elizabeth’s glowing blue crystal scepter or something like that.  I’m not sure, I don’t really understand the politics of this Marvel universe.  I think one of the antagonists’ names was “Libra” or “Zebra” or something.  “Hydra” maybe.  No, that can’t be right.  Greek mythology is far beyond the cognitive awareness of those nerdy comic book types at Marvel.  We’ll just stick with “Zebra” for now.  That seems to be a little more on their level.

Anyway, and Spoiler Alert for anyone who hasn’t seen this movie yet, it turns out the Germans had kidnapped some Russian kids and made them into copies of characters from the Marvel “X-Man” universe using the Queen’s royal powers.  Fortunately, Ironing Man, Brigadier General America, Black Willow, the Hunk, Eagle Eye, and Ben-Hur (?), or, referring to them by their real names, Lance, Keith, Princess Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Sven, overpower the Germans and hold off the Russians, preventing a repeat of World War II, but, rather than returning Queen Elizabeth’s scepter to her, use it to make a giant fighting robot composed of five smaller lion-shaped robots given life by some sort of glowing MacGuffin Stone in the heart of the Queen’s staff.  Without the teamwork and cooperation of five pilots controlling the fighting robot from the inside, however, it goes berserk, and teams up with the Russians to randomly attack things.

Furious at Lance/Ironing Man for making such a decision without consulting his team leader Keith, the Avengers begin to fight and argue amongst themselves, which proves all the more disastrous after Voltron hijacks the planet Arus and plans to drop it, castle and all, directly on the earth, perhaps directed to do so by King Zarkon whom we see briefly after the credits putting on some sort of weird Fallout 4 Power Fist.  Fortunately, the Avengers recover the original MacGuffin Stone from within Queen Elizabeth’s scepter, and use it to create a new Voltron with which to battle the now evil Voltron fighting on behalf of Planet Doom.  Eliciting the help of the same Russians who previously had attempted to kill them, as well as back-up support from the Highwind from Final Fantasy VII piloted by a slimmer interpretation of Barrett Wallace portrayed by Mace Windu from Star Wars, this new seven man Voltron, “Vision Voltron”, I believe they called it, allows the Avengers to defeat the now outdated five man Voltron created by Lance/Ironing Man earlier, saving the day, although a Russian randomly gets killed for some reason at the end.  They then use Voltron’s Lion Torches to incinerate the entire planet Arus before it hits Earth, which seems like overkill, but the Highwind evacuated everyone first, with the aid of some Golden Chocobos, I believe, so to each his own.

Overall, the movie was quite interesting, with a lot of well-executed action scenes, and a variety of unique combat powers for each member of the “Avengers”/Voltron Force that were satisfying to behold, from Ironing Man’s Haggarium Armor and assorted Fallout energy weapons to Eagle Eye’s cosplay replica of the Green Arrow’s bow to Brigadier General America’s… well, ok, so Brigadier General America’s flag-painted hubcap/frisbee golf disc wasn’t all that interesting, but most of the rest of the characters in “Age of Voltron” had extremely unique and complicated abilities that made action scenes feel kinetic and inventive, even while fighting an endless army of Baby Evil Voltrons controlled by the original Voltron… perhaps they were meant to be Robeasts???

I was excited by the new take on the Voltron Force material.  It has been some time since I saw something new and interesting come out of the Beast King GoLion franchise’s American counterparts, perhaps excluding the new Voltron series on Netflix, as I do not watch “streaming” television shows and movies like an uncivilized ape.  Netflix is the “buffet” of the entertainment world.  True gentlemen watch television live in HD, or not at all, and movies in theaters, and at home only in occasion to remind themselves of their aristocracy, as I am doing here, while redeeming myself from my sin through brilliant intellectual criticism.  I fear others of my standing in the community will look down on me for watching a DVD even for this reason, however, such is my status in the heirarchy of Luxingfort, KY.

To conclude, if I had to rate on a commoner’s scale of 1 to 10, and, oh, how I hate such a scale, the quality of the Avengers: Age of Voltron movie, I would like to give it a strong 8.5, perhaps a 9, I am a little annoyed at the moment after spilling some of my chocolate milk on the carpet while typing up this review.  Chocolate syrup straight from Hershey, PA isn’t cheap, you know, and neither is carpet cleaning, as I can’t be bothered to attempt the job myself.  I am disappointed that, once again, Marvel has been excluding my beloved Yoohoo beverages from their screenplays, but such has been the case ever since I watched “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” I am sure, and such will continue to be the case long into the future with that ridiculous “Sam Lee” at the head of Marvel.  The man must be drunk on his success by now, and I feel I will have to keep harping on my point about Yoohoos until Mr. Lee is dragged out of the luxurious party of his fortune to address them.  Even still, he has made a great movie here today in the form of “Avengers: Age of Voltron” and I recommend everyone of you who is not as privileged as myself to purchase a copy of its DVD form from your local distributor of such trivial baubles, and enjoy watching it on your black-and-white television box or whatever it is common people use to watch films on at home these days.  Is Blockbuster still a thing?  No?  No matter, I’m sure you shabby folk can figure it out if you’re motivated enough.  Until next time, this is Donovan Savage from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine reminding you that “Milk is for boys.  Chocolate milk is for men.”  Farewell, my broad and adoring audience of odd psuedointellectual miscreants.

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit personally insulting editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His recent articles include “Taking the Stairs – The Worst Part of Fire Drills” and “Why Won’t Kelsey Grammar Return My Emails? – A Personal Anecdote”.  Yes, we know he’s crazy.  Please don’t send him angry letters.  It just encourages him.

[SATIRE] Local Crackpot Starts Nonsensical News Blog, the “Eye of Zatara”

(Original Post: August 6, 2016)

Near the end of his life, the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle once postulated that “If you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with infinite typewriters, they will eventually type the collective works of Shakespeare in their entirety.”  His student, Socrates, later added “If you put a single monkey in a room with a single typewriter, and make him feel important enough, he’ll eventually start a blog.”  To this end, web hosting was made prohibitively expensive throughout the duration of both the Greek and Roman Empires’ domination of the ancient world, and even well into the Middle Ages.  In the current era, however, Big Macs and terrible television shows with titles starting with “The Real Housewives of” have numbed the collective unconscious of our current generation, causing affordable, reliable web hosting options to come into being that even crackpots, conspiracy theorists, and Green Party supporters can quickly and easily obtain.  As a result, countless blogs on every topic from Big Macs to toothpicks to Gary Busey’s hair have come into being, wasting the time of millions of unfortunate family members and friends of these so-called “bloggers”, guilt-tripped into occasionally reading the garbage passed off as “content” by their loved ones while wading through an infinite number of Facebook posts from these “bloggers” advertising their gibberish.  Eventually, even the closest relatives and companions of these pitiable victims of their own ignorance and ego are forced to remove the “blogger” from their Newsfeed, and sometimes “accidentally” de-friend them… repeatedly.

Case in point, a blog started by an experimental lobotomy patient calling himself “The Gatekeeper” – his blog, the “Eye of Zatara”, purports to be a news site, but the articles contained within have more to do with the reality of Lewis Carroll’s “The Jabberwocky” than with anything to be found on any earth-like planet I am aware of.  Claiming to only be able to write under the influence of “an unhealthy amount of Crystal Pepsi and Yoohoo! chocolate drink, sometimes mixed together with multiple Zero bars”, The Gatekeeper has already accumulated a grand fool’s collection of useless, idiotic ramblings about subjects as diverse as movies, politics, video games, and anime.  Generally, anything that triggers a psychotic break in our professional idiot seems to fair game for his next inspiration.  Worse of all, he seems to have recently gotten his hands on a couple of free Photoshop knockoffs, yielding all the more twisted and terrifying results in his drool-like madman’s drippings of false and irrational non-fiction.

As “The Watchman”, I have been paid a very hefty thirty pieces of silver to announce the official opening of the “Eye of Zatara”, and, so have I done, even at the cost of the final ragged shreds of my personal integrity as a spokesman.  Be warned, however, if you continue to peruse the offerings of the “Eye of Zatara”, whatever fate may befall your sanity is on your own head.  I will not bear the blood guilt for your eventual and total declination into unsober madness.  You have been warned.  Whatever humor may be found in The Gatekeeper’s articles, whatever sharp and witty criticism of current events, whatever insightful analysis of the world around him… you are only killing your own brain cells giving in to his facade of offering you humor.  You will come to regret it.  So, sit back, enjoy reading about Donald Trump’s selection of Welch’s Grape Juice for a running mate, Tesla installing an Autopilot into Doctor Who’s Tardis, and Cthulhu’s inclusion as a leading actor in the new Ghostbusters Reboot.  Enjoy, until one day, you laugh your way straight into a straight jacket, giggling and spitting up on yourself while seeing imaginary butterflies spinning around your head under the light of a perfect, hot pink full moon you can see through the window of the hospital repairing your broken bones after you ran out into the street catching Pokemans with a burlap sack because the voices in your head told you to. That is the future that awaits this blog’s readers.

Again, you have been warned.

~The Watchman

Wow, a strong endorsement from The Watchman.  Thumbs up!  Keep reading “The Eye of Zatara”!  New content coming soon, once I get some more Crystal Pepsi!  😉

~The Gatekeeper

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~The Watchman