Tag: Alcohol

(Original Post: March 18, 2017)

New Orleans, LA – In what has been described by some as a “St. Patrick’s Day miracle”, 21-year-old New Orleans resident Ricky Lansing has awoken after a long holiday night of drinking, partying, and general revelry to find himself, to his surprise, in a wide field of “zero leaf clover” somewhere in St. Tammany Parish, an approximately one hour drive from the last place Ricky remembers being the night before, leading him to post a social media thank you to “the st patrks day elves or whtevr the hek tgis holladay’s about.  wait, not elbes, lepercons mayB?  thnk u, st patrks day lepercons!!@!  u rok!!  holy crp, man, sun is so brite out rite nw.  wht the hck?”.

“It was incredible.” one of Ricky’s close friends and drinking partners, 26-year-old unemployed “college student”, Thomas Frederick “Freddie” Mustang, explained to recently reinstated intern news reporter, Michael Hamden Jr. from CBC News, a few hours later.  “One minute, Ricky was right next to me puking on this cute girl’s shoes in this bar on Bourbon Street called ‘Memoriez’, the next he’s texting me from this like… massive field of clover, saying he needs a ride back to his apartment.  It was like… crazy!  Normally, I wouldn’t go and get him as much as I’d had to drink myself, but, hey, I figured… if the magic of St. Patrick’s Day is on his side, what can possibly go wrong for me, you know?  I was half-right, anyway.  Sorry, random guy and his neighbor’s mailbox.  And pet terrier.”

“What exactly is a zero leaf clover, anyway?” Michael Hamden Jr. asked, as Freddie sniffed his shirt to see if it was ok for him to wear it another day to avoid doing laundry.

“You know, it’s like a regular or four leaf clover, but without the clovery parts.  I’ve like… never seen so much of it in one place before!” Freddie explained, deciding the borderline stench of his three day old shirt could be concealed if he took it off and put it back on inside out while in the middle of his interview with Michael Hamden Jr.

“You mean like grass?” the intern reporter asked, making a sudden realization about the two drinking buddies’ story while looking through his notes on a small pad of paper.

“No!  Wait, what?  Grass?  Well, maybe.” Freddie answered, somewhat surprised, completing the flipping over of his shirt and now pulling a random sandwich out of his cargo pants’ pocket and eating it right in front of the CBC News intern reporter.  “Wait, you think we’re so stupid we can’t tell the difference between grass and clover?  To heck with you, Man.  We’re not stupid!  This was clover, clover! C-L-O-V-E-R.  It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle!  A miracle, Man!  How else would I have made it to Ricky in one piece crossing the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway when I was seeing quadruple?  I like go to church, you know, like once… in a while… maybe.  And I have a Bible… somewhere.  Or maybe that’s just a phone book.  Either way, that’s why it happened, Man, I promise you!  Wait… is St. Patrick’s Day actually a Christian thing, or is that the one with the Pilgrims and stuff, I can never remember?  No, that’s Easter, right?  And why does this sandwich smell like beer and throw up?”

“…what am I even doing here?” Michael Hamden Jr. sighed, throwing his notepad into a trash bin before quickly leaving Freddie’s messy apartment in disgust.  “And your sandwich doesn’t smell like beer and throw up, you do.  Maybe next time take a shower within 24 hours or so of having an interview with a television reporter, just an FYI there, Buddy.”

“Ouch.  Harsh, Man.” Freddie replied kind of tiredly before taking a bite out of his day old pocket sandwich.  “Hey, where you going?  I got this other great story I was going to tell you about how I found five bucks in a public restroom on Valentine’s Day last year!”

On the insistance of his father, senior CBC News reporter Michael Hamden Sr., Michael Hamden Jr. attempted to follow-up on this story with “miracle boy” Ricky Lansing himself, but was repeatedly met with unanswered phone calls followed by texts hours later saying “i got a hedache cal u later, bruh.”  At that point, 22 year old Michael Hamden Jr. gave up on further investigating this story, and went himself to ‘Memoriez’ to drink away the stress of dealing with Ricky and Freddie.

In a related story, New England Patriots Quarterback, Tom Brady was also recently found in a field of “zero leaf clover” in the St. Tammany Parish area after disappearing from Houston, Texas following Super Bowl LI in a swarm of angry peregrine falcons.  When asked by reporters if he also credits his safe return to solid ground to the “elves of St. Patrick’s Day”, Tom Brady explained further.

“No, after carrying me around in the sky for over a month,” Mr. Brady began, “the birds were getting pretty hungry, and that washed up actor, Nicolas Cage, was out throwing stale bread in the park, trying to convince some seagulls of the genius behind his self-written script, ‘National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something?  No, Probably Not.’  The falcons were so hungry, they dropped me to steal Cage’s bread from the seagulls.  I only wish the birds had just eaten me alive and gotten it over with so I wouldn’t have had to listen to Cage read me the script of yet another one of those stupid movies.”

“It was better than the first two, though.” Tom Brady then added, a look of thoughtful disgust on his starved and heavily bird-scratched face.  “Heaven help me that I know that, but I do.”

As of the posting of this article, Ricky Lansing has not returned Michael Hamden, Jr.’s calls, and no confirmation of the existence of “zero leaf clover” has been made by New Orleans area botanists.  Due to the publicity generated by this story, however, “National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something?  No, Probably Not.” has been picked up by Walt Disney Pictures and is tentatively set to debut in theaters in summer of 2018 alongside other long-anticipated thrillers like “Twilight: Moon Something Something Solstice Eclipse Horizon The Teenagers Who Will Watch This Are Too Stupid to Know What These Things Are Anyway” and “Marvel’s ‘Captain, Uh, Somewhere’: The Lost Avenger”.  Inquires about whether or not Nicolas Cage will himself star in the new National Treasure movie he wrote as in the previous installments of the movie trilogy have been answered by executives at Walt Disney Pictures with a loud fit of laughter followed by several hours of wild, hysterical crying according to reliable sources contacted by the “Eye of Zatara”.

EDIT: After the posting of this article, the author (the Gatekeeper) also broke down into wild, hysterical crying while watching a self-made trailer for National Treasure III posted to Nicolas Cage’s YouTube account this morning.  His grief was so great even a hot, delicious Chunky’s Pizza ordered by co-editor, The Watchman, was not enough to console him, and he ran screaming off into a field of “shiny three leaf clover” that turned out to be poison ivy.

~The Gatekeeper