Louisiana – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates – PUMPKINFOOT

[Original Article: Monday, October 18, 2021]

As I came to the edge of the mostly unheard-of little town of Lyre, Louisiana, I looked for the signs I had been given by locals to find a creature that was said to reside there. A curious soul by nature, I have spent many a weekend traveling throughout central Louisiana – investigating haunted houses, searching for cryptozoological creatures, and taking guided tours at the very site of the most infamous crimes of the century. But now I was on the trail of something more elusive, a local legend of a creature said by many to resemble the stories of “Bigfoot” found throughout North America, but a creature that can only be found in the cool months of autumn when orange and brown are everywhere, and when Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving celebrations spread like a plague of strange contentment throughout the families of the land. I was searching for the strange and oddly scented creature known only to a few local fishermen as… “Pumpkinfoot”.

As I approached Ficton Pond, a mossy little fishing hole that served as one of the few “landmarks” of note in the mostly swamp and wilderness of Lyre, I saw unusual footprints in the mud along the pond’s north-facing edge – large footprints, resembling those of a man, but much bigger, and with a strange scent clinging to them that I recognized immediately as a steady purveyor of Starbucks lattes in the fall – it was the scent of pumpkin spice. Suddenly, I heard a sound. An inhuman growling like that of a wounded beast which shook me to my very core, for I could hear in that bestial roar, an almost human undertone to the screaming that told me I was on the verge of meeting something terrifying. Running from the pond out of instinct, I tripped over a limb from a fallen log in the underbrush, only to look behind and see the silhouette of the very creature I had foolishly come to this little town to uncover. It seems that instead of me finding and investigating it, Pumpkinfoot had, instead, come to see and investigate ME.

Tall and imposing, with a large ragged red beard like that of a man, the creature towered over me in the waning afternoon light, his visible teeth gnarled and yellow, his fingernails long and dirty, and a faded Metallic shirt and torn up old blue jeans, obviously “borrowed” from humans he had killed, covering up his otherwise mostly hair-laden body. He walked barefoot through the brush towards me, his cold amber eyes staring down imposingly into my own baby blues, as he opened his mouth to speak or consume me, I wasn’t sure which, but I feared the worst, and searching inside myself for any hint of ingenuity and courage with which to get out of this terrible situation, and finding none, I turned to prayer to find comfort in my final moments.

“This is private property, Man. You can’t just be coming in here on my land and poking about. It’s not a public fishing spot.”

I opened my closed eyes in shock. The creature speaks! And not just in a vague, incomprehensible mix of human and beast, but clear, concise, albeit a little informal, human English! I was too startled, at first, to even respond.

“Look, you got $20? You give me $20, and I’ll let you fish here all you want today. Just come to the front door of my house next time, and ask. I was trying to carry my team in another lousy match of Overwatch when I saw you poking about from my window.” the beast pointed to a rudimentary, almost abandoned looking, dwelling on the other side of the pond, a clouded window facing exactly in my direction. “I REALLY don’t have the patience for trespassers today.”

I reached for my wallet. I couldn’t remember… had I brought any cash with me today? Would this strange creature let me live even if I did? Does he possibly have CashApp?

“You don’t have any money, huh?” the man-creature roared, taking a sip of something, most likely fresh human blood, kept warm in an old cracked tumbler in his hand. “Hmmm… well, those are some pretty nice shoes you got there.” The creature smiled a hearty, gnarl-toothed smile, the scent of pumpkin spice and coffee wafting out from his otherwise foul breath as his mighty lungs exhaled.

“S…Sure.” I said, taking off my tennis shoes without realizing what I was doing and handing them to the creature, who immediately grabbed them and put them in place on his large, mud-stained old feet.

“How nice. A perfect fit.” The man-creature smiled again, an oddly satisfied look in its cold amber eyes. He took another drink from his chalice of warm human blood. “Alright, you’re free to fish. Just don’t try to connect to my Wifi…”

“W…Wifi?” I asked sheepishly, crawling slowly through the mud away from the creature in the general direction of my silver Ford pick-up truck just outside the small woodland clearing.

“Yes, my Wifi. It’s not secured. And I need it to play Overwatch.” the creature smiled sweetly, a bestial glint flashing briefly in his eyes as he tracked my cowardly movements in the opposite direction of him. “The last guy who connected to my Wifi while fishing here and made me lose a game because of lag… well… HE’S what I’ve been mixing in with my pumpkin spice coffee each morning the last couple of weeks. SEE FOR YOURSELF!”

The creature laughed, throwing coffee from his old tumbler in my face which was, indeed, mixed with some kind of thick reddish liquid and also what appeared to be small bits of human flesh and bones! Screaming, I ran off with my hands over my face, despite the coffee being lukewarm at best, frantically racing to my nearby truck and driving hastily away from the area as quickly as I could. The man-creature just stood there, watching me without breaking his gaze, not even seeming to move a muscle throughout the entire length of time that I fled from his vicinity.

“You can come out now, Ma. The intruder’s gone.” the man-creature whispered, drinking down what remained of his mostly lost cup of coffee before spitting out a finger bone that got caught in his mouth. In response to these words, a nine foot tall naked bestial creature whose features were concealed entirely in several layers of a very thick coating of dark black fur like a bear’s stepped out of the shadows behind a nearby cluster of trees near the man-creature’s house, walking barefoot over to her smiling son and hugging him sheepishly in thanks for warding me off. The hairy thing growled contentedly before letting off a strange aroma of pumpkin-like musk from somewhere in a gland along its back that quickly filled the whole clearing around old Ficton Pond with the scent of autumn spice. “I know, I know. You get scared when humans come around here looking for you. I understand. Don’t worry, the old Koolaid and fake skin and bones trick worked like a charm again this time.”

The man-creature smiled.

“And, not only that, I even got some nice new shoes out of it.”

Upon seeing the second creature out of the corner of my eye while flooring it out of the little town containing Ficton Pond, I never again resumed my hunt for the legendary creature known to its locals as “Pumpkinfoot”, or even returned again within 50 miles of the frightful little bump on the road remembered forever in my nightmares as Lyre, Louisiana.

***

While difficult to believe, the “Eye of Zatara” stands behind this story, following countless long hours of not investigating it and interviewing unrelated passersby. All throughout the month of October, we will continue to investigate the strange and paranormal. Stay tuned here for the latest supernatural news, fact-checked by honest, reliable writers and journalists who always, for your benefit, take every possible step to watch YouTube instead of investigating anything. Have you, too, seen a creature resembling “Pumpkinfoot” in the wilds of Louisiana? If so, contact the “Eye of Zatara” today, and you just might be the subject of our next 100% true, completely unexaggerated, right as rain, Snopes-verified (for whatever that’s worth) news story in… “The Eye of Zatara Investigates”!

~The Gatekeeper

This story is ridiculous. I’m going to get a latte.

~The Watchman

😛

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] F.B.I. “Most Wanted” Criminal Arrested in Costco After Shopping With Expired Membership Card

[Original Post: September 30, 2017]

New Orleans, LA – After spending nearly ten years on the run from local, state, and federal authorities scattered across the southeastern United States from North Carolina to Texas, it was with great joy today that New Orleans Deputy Police Commissioner Andre T. Jeffries announced the capture and arrest of F.B.I. “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, wanted for multiple individual counts of murder, murder for hire, arson, vandalism, terroristic threatening, and over a dozen other serious misdemeanors and felonies, after Mr. Thompson was caught shopping at a local area Costco store without an active membership card.

“It was the darnedest thing,” explained local New Orleans resident and Costco member, Randolph Winter, who witnessed Mr. Thompson’s arrest firsthand earlier this morning, “Here he was, trying to buy a box of like… 100 tangerines for one ridiculously low price, and some fuses or something, too, I think, when, suddenly, the cashier just flat-out asked him, ‘Sir, can I see your membership card, please?’ At first, the man kind of fidgeted and tried to make some excuses, but, after a few minutes of that, he finally just fessed up and admitted that he didn’t have a membership anymore, at which point, what looked like basically a small football team of employees bull-charged him and threw him violently to the ground. By the time someone realized he was on the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list, the guy was already hog-tied with most of a box of 100 extension cords being sold for $3.99 and was being force fed samples of dried cranberries by an overeager demo lady. Once the police arrived, he was already curled up in a ridiculously plush down comforter in the fetal position, crying, and asking for more cranberries.”

When asked how long Mr. Thompson had been residing in the New Orleans area, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries stated the authorities weren’t sure.

“We are continuing to investigate Mr. Thompson’s time in New Orleans, including when he arrived, how he arrived, how he managed to stay under our radar since his arrival, and why he let his Costco membership expire. Fortunately, thanks to some excellent policing by an OCD Jewish guy, two weird friends who constantly joke about 80’s movies, and a bunch of kids in a hippy van with a morbidly obese talking dog, we do, at least, have a working theory.” the Deputy Commissioner stated, in response to an energetic question from intern CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, Jr.. “A few hours ago, we confirmed that Mr. Thompson did have a legitimate Costco membership card on his person, but the card expired at midnight last night. It may be that Mr. Thompson has been residing in this same Costco retail store continuously for months, if not years, completely unnoticed by the overly friendly and unfathomably helpful Costco employees who then sustained him through the constant feeding of free samples to him and the unquestioned use of their reasonably priced and exquisitely relaxing home furniture. Thompson got lazy, however, when he let his membership expire. The moment he did, those happy, angelic little helper bees he had been relying on so heavily at Costco turned on him like freaky children of the corn from one of those scary horror/murder films my wife’s son from her first marriage likes to watch, and he had no choice but to scrounge up some change dropped by other members in the concession line to buy some tangerines with which to stay nourished.”

“We’re not sure why he was buying the fuses, though.” Deputy Commissioner Jeffries later added.

While Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries was eager to go into full detail about the arrest and extradition of F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, he was less inclined to comment on other rumors that another F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal, ‘Most Wanted’ #36 Alvin Lee Guitierrez, may also be hiding out in the area, hidden in a local area Sam’s Club retail store, a competitor of Costco’s.

“While Mr. Guitierrez may, in fact, be hiding out in a New Orleans area Sam’s Club, it would be impossible for us to confirm this,” Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries explained. “When’s the last time a Sam’s Club employee so much as looked at you at any point during your last shopping trip there? We’ve brought in a rugged old police detective in a shabby tan trench coat from another precinct to help us check on this lead, but, in all likelihood, Mr. Guitierrez is completely safe in a Sam’s Club for the time being.”

“Deputy Commissioner Jeffries, a question.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., once again bombarded the long-time second in command of the New Orleans Police Department with a pertinent question. “Even if that’s true, is it really ok for you to say something like that out loud? I mean, wouldn’t that encourage more criminals, whether from the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list or not to hide out in Sam’s Club once they know that no one is really looking for them in there?”

Deputy Commissioner Jeffries shook his head.

“No, it would take a seriously damaged, criminally-twisted individual to be able to endure six months of experiencing poor customer service in order to hide out for any long period of time in a wholesale store other than a Costco. Frankly, I just don’t think most men have it in them.”

“One more question please, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., frantically waved his hand, literally climbing onto the shoulders of a taller reporter standing in front of him in order to be better seen by the assistant head of the New Orleans Police Department.

“Yes, yes, what’s your question this time, young man? I have to take questions from reporters other than you sometimes, you know.”

“Oh, sorry, I understand, Sir. This will be my last one. I promise.” Michael Hamden, Jr. apologized, before continuing on with his query. “Um, is it true that the Costco corporation donated over a million dollars to the New Orleans Police Department this year at your annual charity gala, and their logo will be stamped on the side of every police car in the city later this month? I checked the F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ list earlier, and I couldn’t actually find anyone on it named Leonard ‘Iron Jack’ Thompson. The only ‘Most Wanted’ list criminal seen in this area in months was this one shady guy who looks a lot like James Spader. I get that you arrested someone from a Costco earlier this morning whose name is Leonard Thompson, but, um, are you sure it wasn’t just some sort of homeless guy down on his luck or something? Also, you all are kind of talking up Costco a lot, while saying quite a lot of mean things about people who work at Sam’s Club, and-”

“PRESS CONFERENCE OVER. I HAVE TO GO PICK UP MY STEP-SON FROM JUDO PRACTICE. GOOD QUESTIONS, EVERYONE. SEE YOU NEXT TIME.”

As Michael Hamden, Jr. finished his questions, the lights of New Orleans Police Headquarters’ Press Room were suddenly turned out, and the Deputy Police Commissioner as well as all of his staff had left by the time any of the reporters in the room could find a light switch. Shortly after the Deputy Police Commissioner’s conference, however, the Deputy Mayor of the New Orleans held a similar press conference, lauding Deputy Commissioner Jeffries on his role in the arrest of Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, but regrettably also announcing the Deputy Commissioner’s sudden retirement from the job due to a rather severe flare-up of his childhood “Gut Bustetitis” illness. Multiple sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” report that a man very similar in appearance to Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson was then seen stumbling awkwardly out the front steps of a local New Orleans Police Department building several hours later, before being escorted home by an irritated-looking officer in a freshly-painted, blue and white Ford Crown Victoria with a Costco logo on the side.

The F.B.I. declined to comment to “The Eye of Zatara” on the capture and arrest by the NOPD of supposed “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, except to say, “He had it coming to him. He let his Costco membership expire.”

***

BONUS: In an exclusive “Eye of Zatara” related follow-up to this story, a 31 year old man claiming to have been the unknowing roommate of Mr. Thompson, the two of them having lived for almost six months hidden in the office supplies aisle of Costco behind a thousand black ink pens and a very expensive wall safe, also returned today to his former life, mumbling something incoherently to passing Costco employees about “finally updating his blog” and warning them to “watch out for wolves”.

In unrelated news, “The Eye of Zatara” is now being updated again.

[SATIRE] A St. Patrick’s Day Miracle! – Man Wakes Up After Night of Drinking in a Field of Lucky Zero Leaf Clover!

(Original Post: March 18, 2017)

New Orleans, LA – In what has been described by some as a “St. Patrick’s Day miracle”, 21-year-old New Orleans resident Ricky Lansing has awoken after a long holiday night of drinking, partying, and general revelry to find himself, to his surprise, in a wide field of “zero leaf clover” somewhere in St. Tammany Parish, an approximately one hour drive from the last place Ricky remembers being the night before, leading him to post a social media thank you to “the st patrks day elves or whtevr the hek tgis holladay’s about. wait, not elbes, lepercons mayB? thnk u, st patrks day lepercons!!@! u rok!! holy crp, man, sun is so brite out rite nw. wht the hck?”.

“It was incredible.” one of Ricky’s close friends and drinking partners, 26-year-old unemployed “college student”, Thomas Frederick “Freddie” Mustang, explained to recently reinstated intern news reporter, Michael Hamden Jr. from CBC News, a few hours later. “One minute, Ricky was right next to me puking on this cute girl’s shoes in this bar on Bourbon Street called ‘Memoriez’, the next he’s texting me from this like… massive field of clover, saying he needs a ride back to his apartment. It was like… crazy! Normally, I wouldn’t go and get him as much as I’d had to drink myself, but, hey, I figured… if the magic of St. Patrick’s Day is on his side, what can possibly go wrong for me, you know? I was half-right, anyway. Sorry, random guy and his neighbor’s mailbox. And pet terrier.”

“What exactly is a zero leaf clover, anyway?” Michael Hamden Jr. asked, as Freddie sniffed his shirt to see if it was ok for him to wear it another day to avoid doing laundry.

“You know, it’s like a regular or four leaf clover, but without the clovery parts. I’ve like… never seen so much of it in one place before!” Freddie explained, deciding the borderline stench of his three day old shirt could be concealed if he took it off and put it back on inside out while in the middle of his interview with Michael Hamden Jr.

“You mean like grass?” the intern reporter asked, making a sudden realization about the two drinking buddies’ story while looking through his notes on a small pad of paper.

“No! Wait, what? Grass? Well, maybe.” Freddie answered, somewhat surprised, completing the flipping over of his shirt and now pulling a random sandwich out of his cargo pants’ pocket and eating it right in front of the CBC News intern reporter. “Wait, you think we’re so stupid we can’t tell the difference between grass and clover? To heck with you, Man. We’re not stupid! This was clover, clover! C-L-O-V-E-R. It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle! A miracle, Man! How else would I have made it to Ricky in one piece crossing the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway when I was seeing quadruple? I like go to church, you know, like once… in a while… maybe. And I have a Bible… somewhere. Or maybe that’s just a phone book. Either way, that’s why it happened, Man, I promise you! Wait… is St. Patrick’s Day actually a Christian thing, or is that the one with the Pilgrims and stuff, I can never remember? No, that’s Easter, right? And why does this sandwich smell like beer and throw up?”

“…what am I even doing here?” Michael Hamden Jr. sighed, throwing his notepad into a trash bin before quickly leaving Freddie’s messy apartment in disgust. “And your sandwich doesn’t smell like beer and throw up, you do. Maybe next time take a shower within 24 hours or so of having an interview with a television reporter, just an FYI there, Buddy.”

“Ouch. Harsh, Man.” Freddie replied kind of tiredly before taking a bite out of his day old pocket sandwich. “Hey, where you going? I got this other great story I was going to tell you about how I found five bucks in a public restroom on Valentine’s Day last year!”

On the insistance of his father, senior CBC News reporter Michael Hamden Sr., Michael Hamden Jr. attempted to follow-up on this story with “miracle boy” Ricky Lansing himself, but was repeatedly met with unanswered phone calls followed by texts hours later saying “i got a hedache cal u later, bruh.” At that point, 22 year old Michael Hamden Jr. gave up on further investigating this story, and went himself to ‘Memoriez’ to drink away the stress of dealing with Ricky and Freddie.

In a related story, New England Patriots Quarterback, Tom Brady was also recently found in a field of “zero leaf clover” in the St. Tammany Parish area after disappearing from Houston, Texas following Super Bowl LI in a swarm of angry peregrine falcons. When asked by reporters if he also credits his safe return to solid ground to the “elves of St. Patrick’s Day”, Tom Brady explained further.

“No, after carrying me around in the sky for over a month,” Mr. Brady began, “the birds were getting pretty hungry, and that washed up actor, Nicolas Cage, was out throwing stale bread in the park, trying to convince some seagulls of the genius behind his self-written script, ‘National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something? No, Probably Not.’ The falcons were so hungry, they dropped me to steal Cage’s bread from the seagulls. I only wish the birds had just eaten me alive and gotten it over with so I wouldn’t have had to listen to Cage read me the script of yet another one of those stupid movies.”

“It was better than the first two, though.” Tom Brady then added, a look of thoughtful disgust on his starved and heavily bird-scratched face. “Heaven help me that I know that, but I do.”

As of the posting of this article, Ricky Lansing has not returned Michael Hamden, Jr.’s calls, and no confirmation of the existence of “zero leaf clover” has been made by New Orleans area botanists. Due to the publicity generated by this story, however, “National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something? No, Probably Not.” has been picked up by Walt Disney Pictures and is tentatively set to debut in theaters in summer of 2018 alongside other long-anticipated thrillers like “Twilight: Moon Something Something Solstice Eclipse Horizon The Teenagers Who Will Watch This Are Too Stupid to Know What These Things Are Anyway” and “Marvel’s ‘Captain, Uh, Somewhere’: The Lost Avenger”. Inquires about whether or not Nicolas Cage will himself star in the new National Treasure movie he wrote as in the previous installments of the movie trilogy have been answered by executives at Walt Disney Pictures with a loud fit of laughter followed by several hours of wild, hysterical crying according to reliable sources contacted by the “Eye of Zatara”.

EDIT: After the posting of this article, the author (the Gatekeeper) also broke down into wild, hysterical crying while watching a self-made trailer for National Treasure III posted to Nicolas Cage’s YouTube account this morning. His grief was so great even a hot, delicious Chunky’s Pizza ordered by co-editor, The Watchman, was not enough to console him, and he ran screaming off into a field of “shiny three leaf clover” that turned out to be poison ivy.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Mardi Gras Signs Up for Jenny Craig Program, Tired of Being Called “Fat Tuesday”

(Original Post: February 27, 2017)

New Orleans, LA- As the people of New Orleans revel in the excitement and tradition of their favorite late February celebration, the southeastern Louisiana area holiday known as “Mardi Gras”, tired of being referred to year after year by the insulting monicker of “Fat Tuesday”, has reportedly signed up with the popular Jenny Craig weight loss program in an attempt to slim down before next year’s festivities, even going so far as to release a “soy-and-tofu-based King Cake substitute” that supposedly has most of the taste of the popular Mardi Gras dessert, but without “all those fattening carbs and sugar”.

“Everyone seems to have just gotten used to me as ‘Fat Tuesday’. Everywhere I go, people smile and wave, calling out my name like it doesn’t kill me a little inside every time they do,” Mardi Gras explained to veteran CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, during a short interview at New Orleans’ world famous Cafe du Monde yesterday. “But, a hundred years ago, they called me ‘Skinny Tuesday’, or ‘Mardi Maigre’, until a few decades of drinking and eating King Cake made me less of a parade personality and more of a parade float. Yet, as a holiday, I’m expected to just keep smiling, and act like everything’s alright 24/7, even though my identity is shattered and I’m dying inside. Can you imagine what it’s like to live forever like that?”

“Mardi Gras beads barely fit around my neck anymore.” the overweight holiday added, rather sadly, while also trying not to drool over the delicious beignets being eaten by Michael Hamden right in front of him. “I used to be a smiling Jester bringing happiness to everyone around me once a year. Now I’m just a sad clown faking my joy decade after decade while holding in the tears. The drinking helps, but there’s not enough alcohol in Louisiana to really water down what I’m feeling inside. It took me almost a century to admit it, but I need help…”

While many have come out in support of Mardi Gras’ decision to begin a weight loss program in order to return to a healthy lifestyle, other notable celebrities have surprisingly denounced Mardi Gras’ comments for various reasons, one of the most vocal of which is on-again, off-again spokeswoman for Jenny Craig, Kirstie Alley, who is rumored to have been dropped by Jenny Craig at the end of last year after gaining one hundred pounds while on their program, and whose role as the program’s spokeswoman may, according to some reports, pass in a few months to a hopefully slimmer Mardi Gras, assuming he has success with their plan.

“Mardi Gras doesn’t really want a healthy lifestyle. He just wants people to stop calling him fat.” Kirstie Alley announced to Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News in an early interview this morning in SLNC News’ New York studio. “That’s not going to be enough to really make a permanent change in his life. Trust me, I know. If Jenny had any sense in that tiny, anorexic head of hers, she’d wait for me to slim down again, and let me make more commercials for them myself, instead of trusting her future to a freaking green and gold court jester. A freaking green and gold court jester! I mean, things have worked well enough for me and Jenny for years. Why change it now? Just because some immortal personification of a celebration has got some self-esteem problems, she’s going to throw me to the curb like yesterday’s garbage?”

Surprisingly, TV talk show host, major media personality, and founder of the OWN television channel, Oprah Winfrey, has also come out in criticism of Mardi Gras, but for very different reasons.

“It’s like my good friend, Dr. Phil, always says, ‘You gotta love yourself before you can change yourself.’ I’ve been fat, skinny, and everything in-between, sometimes fluctuating hundreds of pounds in a single week, but do you see me getting down on myself? No, I’m always me, and Mardi Gras has got to learn to love himself for who he is, too, if he ever wants to live a productive endless existence as an existential conglomeration of Louisiana festival traditions. Love yourself before you can change yourself… wait, maybe that was actually from a fortune cookie.” Oprah Winfrey trailed off, mumbling to herself a few seconds while trying to determine the actual origin of her poignant quote. “Boy, I sure could go for a fortune cookie right now. ALRIGHT, WHO’S GOT A CHINESE TAKEOUT MENU? MAMA OPRAH IS HUNGRY!”

Unfazed by the negative feedback he’s received from modern celebrities, Mardi Gras has assured the public that he is dedicated to his goal of losing weight, and hopes to return to his previous skinny self no later than the year 2027.

“It’s going to be hard to cut down on the drinking, binge eating, and riotous revelry that have come to define me as a holiday,” Mardi Gras said in a public statement released on his personal website a few hours before this article’s posting on the ‘Eye of Zatara’. “But if a tangible manifestation of beads, booze, and laughter from the heart of Fleur-de-Lis country can’t lose this kind of weight with all the many resources at my disposal as an immortal holiday, what choice do normal people have at shedding a few pounds themselves with the timelines of their short human life spans? I want to give people hope that no matter how many states require them to weigh in at Truck Stops when traveling cross country… no matter how many buffets turn off the lights and pretend to be closed when they pull into the parking lot… no matter how many donut shops and pizzerias send refrigerated trucks on scheduled deliveries to their house every morning just to serve them breakfast… they can lose weight just like I can, if they really put their mind to it, and refuse, no matter what, to give up hope that they can change.”

“Unless they’re film maker Michael Moore.” Mardi Gras later added, with a shrug, in a live video post to his website. “Hey, I want to inspire people, not make them believe the impossible.”

In a related story, Terry Bradshaw has apparently signed up with Weight Watchers in a similar attempt to slim down, after the same swarm of falcons that previously carried off New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady at the end of last month’s Super Bowl attempted to abduct him the following week, but were unable to move him more than an inch or two off the ground before giving up and flying in mass to the nearest veterinary clinic for suspected hernia treatment.

[SATIRE] A New Sponsor – Chunky’s Pizza, Home of the Chunky Marinara Sauce Pizza

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In exclusive “The Eye of Zatara” related news, our innovative content and in-depth analyses of important issues from Donald Trump’s Presidential Cabinet to Shonen Jump’s Rurouni Kenshin Super has, at last, paid off, as a new corporate partner has stepped up to fill the shoes of the fickle Three Wolves brand of green beans, becoming our first (hopefully) permanent sponsor.

On the advice of my co-editor, “The Watchman”, I have decided to allow our new sponsor to construct an advertising statement for themselves, rather than attempt to write one myself. So, without further ado, please welcome the famous “Chunky’s Pizza Company” to our happy “The Eye of Zatara” family!

***

Happiness. Tradition. Flavor. These are the values that my grandfather, Harry Torrington, had in mind when he first sat down to make the now famous recipe of his first delicious Chunky’s pizza, a local tradition in the central Kentucky area since 1999. Eighteen years later, after committing my grandfather to a psychiatric hospital after he tried to ride a neighbor’s horse to Lexington and Concord insisting he had to “warn the Minutemen about the Redcoats”, I’ve left my illustrious career in the fast food industry behind to continue my grandfather’s dream of offering delicious pizza to Kentucky families struggling with obesity at a price they can afford without dipping into the coins from their “Liposuction Jar”.

Here at Chunky’s Pizza, now with five convenient Kentucky locations in Lexington, Frankfort, Louisville, Dry Ridge, and Bowling Green, plus a new store in southeastern Louisiana near New Orleans for no explicable reason, we put our hearts into every greasy, heart-clogging food item we prepare for our heavily overweight customer base. Our traditional style “Chunky Marinara Sauce” comes with three types of meats and seven types of meat byproducts mixed directly into the sauce, and our famed “Hand-Tossed Meat Crust” offers the same mix of Grade C local Kentucky meat beaten right into the dough of your pizza for that double “Ten Meat Mix” when then covered by our Chunky Marinara Sauce.

I know. There’s been a lot of talk by some of our competitors on the Internet about that Health Department investigation into our franchise, but, I assure you, the claims that our delicious Chunky Sticks are non-digestible and pass straight through your system intact are baseless smears, made up by those big names in the pizza business to scare you into not giving us any of your business. That’s because they know that once you’ve had your first bite of Chunky’s Pizza, you’ll be hooked, and you won’t ever think about spending your money at a different pizzeria again.

If you’re not sold on Chunky’s Pizza yet, for a limited time, we’re offering all “Eye of Zatara” readers a “Buy One, Get TWO Free” discount on our legendary “Chunky Lover’s” specialty pizza, a 20 inch large pizza pie on our mouth-watering Hand-Tossed Meat Crust slathered almost to the point of being soggy with our ten meat Chunky Marinara Sauce, and then covered generously with layers of Chunky Cheese, old Old World Pepperoni, spicy Italian sausage boils, Black Forest Fire Ham, genuine semi-bacon sprinkles, and a complimentary cup of garlicy Chunky Butter on the side to dip your pizza in for an extra shot of delicious Chunky’s flavor should you so choose!

(Note: “Buy One, Get TWO Free” offer is for Carryout Only, and requires a minimum order of $20 excluding the cost of the initial Chunky’s Lover pizza required to earn two additional Chunky’s Lover pizzas free. Offer may not be available in some, or all locations, and is only valid on weekdays after 5 pm excluding Tuesdays. Many restrictions may apply. Sales tax on an order in which this offer is applied will be doubled for no apparent reason, with the second sales tax amount applied directly to CEO Torrington’s “I Really Want to Buy a Yacht Like My Rich Friends” fund. E pluribus unum. Veni vidi vici. Legal mumbo jumbo. Excelsior. Stop reading this, Stupid.)

So, come on down to Chunky’s Pizza today, and “Taste the Chunky”! Grab a hot slice of a Chunky Lover’s Pizza, a quick order of Chunky Sticks, and wash it all down with your choice of our house made Chunky Cola, Sort-of-Diet Chunky Cola, Chunky Cherry Chunky Cola, or sparkling Brown Creme Soda. Tell them ole’ twenty year old Marty Torrington sent you, and receive a complimentary Chunky Mint or Chunky Toothpick with your order. Now, back to your regularly scheduled, excellent “The Eye of Zatara” article! (Forced wink.) Oh, and tell your friends and blubbery loved ones about us!!!

***

Wow! What an amazing advertisement, and what an amazing company! I’d say more, but Marty Torrington specifically paid me not to, so let me just say this – everyone reading the “Eye of Zatara”, please call Chunky’s Pizza immediately and order yourself a delicious-meat-and-meat-byproduct-filled dinner you and your family won’t ever forget, and not just because it sometimes causes diarrhea!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: I’ve been told by Marty Torrington that Chunky’s Pizza does not actually cause diarrhea. Please ignore my above statement, as it was foolishly based more on honesty than on greed, which I now realize is very, very wrong. Thank you.

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: …

~The Watchman

EDIT: …what?

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Nothing. Just… no, nevermind. Everyone, please eat at Chunky’s Pizza… just… very cautiously.

Wow. What in the world am I doing with my life???

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Driven from State of Kentucky By Angry Mob

(Original Post: January 1, 2017)

In startling news affecting all staff of “The Eye of Zatara”, an angry mob of protesters, furious after learning that most of the articles of the blog were satirical, chased co-editors “The Gatekeeper” and “The Watchman” clean out of the state brandishing a variety of firearms, pitchforks, and “poking sticks”, despite a failed attempt by “The Gatekeeper” to sing Stephen Foster’s “My Old Kentucky Home” to soothe the crowd.

The musical tribute to his home state worked at first, until “The Gatekeeper” could no longer correctly remember his state song’s lyrics, and began to blur them with the words from other, more generally patriotic tunes, singing “The day goes by like a shadow o’er the heart, With bombs bursting all through the long night, The time has come when red rockets blow apart, All but the flag in the dawn’s early light.” and “Weep no more my lady, for amber waves of grain! For the flag still waves o’er my old Kentucky home, and o’er its purple mountains, home to free and brave.”

At this point, the angry mob howled with bestial fury and a Husqvarna chainsaw was revved up from somewhere in their midst, causing The Gatekeeper and The Watchman to completely abandon any hope of calming their pursuers, and flee for their lives as far south of their former Kentucky brethren as possible, ultimately disappearing in the misty bayous of Louisiana to shake off the last of their dogged hunters before having their possessions transported to a northern New Orleans area safehouse to continue their questionable blogging practices.

“It was inevitable,” The Watchman reported, out of breath, once he and The Gatekeeper had, at last, made it out of mortal danger from their pursuers. “For years, the kind people of Kentucky put up with the growing madness of The Gatekeeper as he honed his undefinable mix of real life inspiration, witty satire, gibberish-like nonsense, subtle references to popular culture, and pure, all-consuming madness. It was only natural that as his ridiculousness reached its peak in the creation of ‘The Eye of Zatara’ blog, it would garner a little backlash from those who had hit the maximum limit of mental destruction from The Gatekeeper that their psyches could bear. Frankly, it is a true compliment to the people of Kentucky that they even lasted so long. We can only pray that our new friends and neighbors in Louisiana will be able to hold out half as long as The Gatekeeper’s delusional tendencies continue still to grow…”

As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” staff is safe and sound, and will be producing new content for their blog as soon as possible, unwilling to let a “little thing” like being forcibly driven from their homes stop their right to free expression.

“The Watchman tried to say I should tone it down a bit.” The Gatekeeper admitted, shaking his head, speaking to unnamed “The Eye of Zatara” supporters in an underground bunker earlier this morning. “Tone it down? Like I can tone down the truth! People need to know about Lex Luthor selling Kryptonite rocks via Nordstorm, CBC creating a new Christmas special about Blixo, the ‘Red State Reindeer’, and a ‘Rurouni Kenshin – Super!’ anime and manga coming soon to Japan. My colleague, The Watchman, may call it ‘satire’, but I call it ‘investigative journalism’, and will continue to use the platform ‘The Eye of Zatara’ affords me to inform the American people about these important news stories overlooked by the mainstream media.”

The Gatekeeper then spiked up his hair and gave a thumbs up, before attempting to sound like an immature child.

“That’s my Nindo, my Ninja Way! Believe it!”

“Heaven help us…” The Watchman reportedly added, sighing and shaking his head with a very exhausted look on his face. “I feel like the straight man in a Sonic Drive-In commercial…”

Whatever their future holds, it seems clear that “The Eye of Zatara” plans to continue producing new content in 2017, albeit from their new base location in southeastern Louisiana. As infuriated Kentuckians give up the search one by one for the state’s former residents, and an innocent flock of Louisianians gradually begin to become aware of the insane Frankenstein’s monster now dwelling among them, “The Eye of Zatara” bids a sad farewell to the state that put up with them and their nonsense far longer than seems humanly possible, wondering how long it will be before the next mob drives them away again to another distant corner of the vast Continental United States or far beyond…