Tag: Sponsor

[SATIRE] “Justice League” Movie News! – HBO Max Release of “Snyder Cut” to Be Joined by New “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”

[March 1, 2021]

New York City, New York – As many fans of DC universe superheroes like Superman, Batman, and the Flash wait for the upcoming release of the “Snyder Cut” of 2017’s DCEU “Justice League” movie, which is scheduled to be released on WarnerMedia’s “HBO Max” streaming service on March 18th, Jason Kilar, CEO of WarnerMedia has announced another new cut of “Justice League” that will also debut on March 18th alongside the Snyder Cut – the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”.

“Many fans of the DCEU feel that the original cut of 2017’s ‘Justice League’ movie simply did not address the Justice League heroes’ love of America’s favorite Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover snacks.” Mr. Kilar explained in a small press briefing this morning outside WarnerMedia’s headquarters in New York.  “This cut of the movie, which features many new scenes of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, the Flash, and even Cyborg stopping to catch a breath in the middle of big action scenes to enjoy a bag of their favorite salty pretzel bites, will remedy that obvious mistake.”

When asked how he thought the new movie iteration would stand up to the long awaited ‘Snyder Cut’, Mr. Kilar held his ground.

“Sure, the ‘Snyder Cut’ may show a ‘better’ version of the painfully average ‘Justice League’ movie in a form that long-time fans of DC Comics superheroes will find satisfying,” the CEO conceded, before moving on to his bigger point.  “But what is more satisfying than a bag of Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover?  Nothing.  Frankly, I’m surprised my bosses still want to release the almost pretzel-less ‘Snyder Cut’ of the movie at all, knowing it’s going up against this bad boy.”

Asked if there would be any other changes to the movie other than the inclusion of scenes showing superheroes eating pretzels, Mr. Kilar smiled and happily elaborated.

“Yes, you know that thing that Lex Luthor did in ‘Batman v. Superman’ where he kept eating Jolly Ranchers in the weirdest possible way while making squeaky noises?” the CEO explained giddily to the slightly skeptical reporters gathered before him.  “Well, we’ve done some re-editing and a full voice over re-recording of Flash’s lines so now that’s literally ALL he does.  For the whole movie.  He’s like Lex Luthor 2.0, except… well, we’ve added Lex Luthor back in to the movie, too.”

“Also,” Mr. Kilar continued.  “Since ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ broke canon by having Wonder Woman be a superhero in the 80’s despite us originally saying in the DCEU that she disappeared from society after the events of the first Wonder Woman movie, we’re going to add in a scene later in the movie where Gal Gadot comes out and says ‘Remember what I said about not being Wonder Woman anymore since WWI?   I was just kidding.’  I know.  Brilliant, right?”

“Oh, oh, oh… and there’s this one more thing!  This is a big one!” the WarnerMedia CEO continued, as freaked out reporters started gradually walking away from the press conference hoping Mr. Kilar wouldn’t notice.  “Remember how Steppenwolf had like no personality in the original movie other than ‘generic CGI villain’?  Well, now he’s going to be a pro video gamer who plays Overwatch.  And instead of these box things he’s looking for being ‘Mother Cubes’ or whatever, they’re going to be special seasonal Loot Boxes redeemable in Overwatch.  See?  Now he has a clear motive for all the bad guy stuff he does in the movie!”

Following the WarnerMedia press conference with CEO Jason Kilar, Zach Snyder himself was asked for comment by senior reporter, Michael Hamden, of CBC News, to whom he gave a few thoughts on the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut” being added to HBO Max on March 18th alongside his own “Snyder Cut”.

“All is darkness.  Who are we, like gods, to choose what is life over what is death?  Insert slow motion fight scene.  Now, have Batman kill like five people.” Zach Snyder whispered in a hushed tone to Mr. Hamden, looking around wildly as if other people were in the room, but it was only Snyder and Hamden.  “Excuse me, now, I have to go rip off The Flash’s mask so I can reveal his identity to the world.  Please enjoy the ‘Snyder Cut’ of that one not terrible movie I made.  Bring popcorn, though, because it’s five hours long.”

In a final comment from WarnerMedia, Mr. Kilar tweeted that subscription numbers for HBO Max have more than tripled since the announcement of the “Snyder Cut” and the “Snyder’s Pretzel of Hanover Cut” were made.  “The Eye of Zatara” reached out to all five subscribers of HBO Max from before those announcements and confirmed, bandwidth for the service has been heavily strained since the number of subscribers recently leaped from five to something like sixteen or seventeen.  Eight of these new subscribers, however, have sworn to burn every streaming device in their house with fire should the “Snyder Cut” of “Justice League” be anything like “Wonder Woman 1984” in quality.   (Or “Tom & Jerry”.)

DISCLAIMER: “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover” is not currently affiliated in any way with “The Eye of Zatara”, although we would like them to be.  If someone at this or any other pretzel company would like to join “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans as one of our sponsors, please send the usual fifty-five cents and an expired Burger King coupon in an envelope to an address we will provide to you upon receipt of our first bag of discounted Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover, and we will be in contact with you shortly to confirm our sponsorship.  That is all.

(If this becomes a YouTube video, insert ad for Displate, Raycon, or Raid: Shadow Legends here… Maybe SurfShark?)

[SATIRE] A New Sponsor – Chunky’s Pizza, Home of the Chunky Marinara Sauce Pizza

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In exclusive “The Eye of Zatara” related news, our innovative content and in-depth analyses of important issues from Donald Trump’s Presidential Cabinet to Shonen Jump’s Rurouni Kenshin Super has, at last, paid off, as a new corporate partner has stepped up to fill the shoes of the fickle Three Wolves brand of green beans, becoming our first (hopefully) permanent sponsor.

On the advice of my co-editor, “The Watchman”, I have decided to allow our new sponsor to construct an advertising statement for themselves, rather than attempt to write one myself.  So, without further ado, please welcome the famous “Chunky’s Pizza Company” to our happy “The Eye of Zatara” family!

***

Happiness.  Tradition.  Flavor.  These are the values that my grandfather, Harry Torrington, had in mind when he first sat down to make the now famous recipe of his first delicious Chunky’s pizza, a local tradition in the central Kentucky area since 1999.  Eighteen years later, after committing my grandfather to a psychiatric hospital after he tried to ride a neighbor’s horse to Lexington and Concord insisting he had to “warn the Minutemen about the Redcoats”, I’ve left my illustrious career in the fast food industry behind to continue my grandfather’s dream of offering delicious pizza to Kentucky families struggling with obesity at a price they can afford without dipping into the coins from their “Liposuction Jar”.

Here at Chunky’s Pizza, now with five convenient Kentucky locations in Lexington, Frankfort, Louisville, Dry Ridge, and Bowling Green, plus a new store in southeastern Louisiana near New Orleans for no explicable reason, we put our hearts into every greasy, heart-clogging food item we prepare for our heavily overweight customer base.  Our traditional style “Chunky Marinara Sauce” comes with three types of meats and seven types of meat byproducts mixed directly into the sauce, and our famed “Hand-Tossed Meat Crust” offers the same mix of Grade C local Kentucky meat beaten right into the dough of your pizza for that double “Ten Meat Mix” when then covered by our Chunky Marinara Sauce.

I know.  There’s been a lot of talk by some of our competitors on the Internet about that Health Department investigation into our franchise, but, I assure you, the claims that our delicious Chunky Sticks are non-digestible and pass straight through your system intact are baseless smears, made up by those big names in the pizza business to scare you into not giving us any of your business.  That’s because they know that once you’ve had your first bite of Chunky’s Pizza, you’ll be hooked, and you won’t ever think about spending your money at a different pizzeria again.

If you’re not sold on Chunky’s Pizza yet, for a limited time, we’re offering all “Eye of Zatara” readers a “Buy One, Get TWO Free” discount on our legendary “Chunky Lover’s” specialty pizza, a 20 inch large pizza pie on our mouth-watering Hand-Tossed Meat Crust slathered almost to the point of being soggy with our ten meat Chunky Marinara Sauce, and then covered generously with layers of Chunky Cheese, old Old World Pepperoni, spicy Italian sausage boils, Black Forest Fire Ham, genuine semi-bacon sprinkles, and a complimentary cup of garlicy Chunky Butter on the side to dip your pizza in for an extra shot of delicious Chunky’s flavor should you so choose!

(Note: “Buy One, Get TWO Free” offer is for Carryout Only, and requires a minimum order of $20 excluding the cost of the initial Chunky’s Lover pizza required to earn two additional Chunky’s Lover pizzas free.  Offer may not be available in some, or all locations, and is only valid on weekdays after 5 pm excluding Tuesdays.  Many restrictions may apply.  Sales tax on an order in which this offer is applied will be doubled for no apparent reason, with the second sales tax amount applied directly to CEO Torrington’s “I Really Want to Buy a Yacht Like My Rich Friends” fund.  E pluribus unum.  Veni vidi vici.  Legal mumbo jumbo.  Excelsior.  Stop reading this, Stupid.)

So, come on down to Chunky’s Pizza today, and “Taste the Chunky”!  Grab a hot slice of a Chunky Lover’s Pizza, a quick order of Chunky Sticks, and wash it all down with your choice of our house made Chunky Cola, Sort-of-Diet Chunky Cola, Chunky Cherry Chunky Cola, or sparkling Brown Creme Soda.  Tell them ole’ twenty year old Marty Torrington sent you, and receive a complimentary Chunky Mint or Chunky Toothpick with your order.  Now, back to your regularly scheduled, excellent “The Eye of Zatara” article!  (Forced wink.)  Oh, and tell your friends and blubbery loved ones about us!!!

***

Wow!  What an amazing advertisement, and what an amazing company!  I’d say more, but Marty Torrington specifically paid me not to, so let me just say this – everyone reading the “Eye of Zatara”, please call Chunky’s Pizza immediately and order yourself a delicious-meat-and-meat-byproduct-filled dinner you and your family won’t ever forget, and not just because it sometimes causes diarrhea!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: I’ve been told by Marty Torrington that Chunky’s Pizza does not actually cause diarrhea.  Please ignore my above statement, as it was foolishly based more on honesty than on greed, which I now realize is very, very wrong.  Thank you.

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: …

~The Watchman

EDIT: …what?

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Nothing.  Just… no, nevermind.  Everyone, please eat at Chunky’s Pizza… just… very cautiously.

Wow.  What in the world am I doing with my life???

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] Our First Sponsor – “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans!

(Original Post: December 1, 2016)

Greetings, Readers, from your friend and primary editor, contributor, and creator of “The Eye of Zatara”, The Gatekeeper!

I’d like to take a quick break from my brief birthday week hiatus to inform all Eye of Zatara readers of some very exciting news – the “Eye of Zatara” now has its first official sponsor, “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans!  To thank them for their support, I’ve written a small promotional message for them below.  I hope you’ll glance through my first attempt at an advertisement and thoughtfully consider adding “Three Wolves” Brand products to your grocery list today.  Here goes:

Are you aware that horrible canine/monster hybrids known as “wolves” walk the streets, looking for humans to feed upon like livestock?  Are you aware of the forces, both human and coyote, that fight against these terrifying creatures to preserve the homo sapiens species from the super-lethal alpha predators mistakenly believed by common folk to be “cute, fluffy, grey dog things”.  Do you like green beans?

If you answered yes to any or none of those questions, then maybe “Three Wolves” brand green beans are right for you.  Made in a special farm by a subset of sentient ultra-intelligent canine species known colloquially as “wolves”, 100% of the sale of every can of “Three Wolves” brand green beans goes to funding the wolves’ campaign to dominate and feast upon humanity, while protecting themselves from the coyotes and often self-proclaimed “Wolf Hunters” that plague their existence, treating them like criminals simply for following their natural genetic predisposition to eat us.  Not only that, but every can is “Wolf-Certified” fresh and delicious, guaranteed to put a smile on your children’s face except for that one picky one who hates all vegetables.  You know the one.

If your mind’s not made up already, let me remind you that “Three Wolves” brand green beans are certified organic and gluten/trans fat free, meaning your vegan kid can’t complain about them (but probably will anyway).  In summary, if you love food, nutrition, great taste, and funding canine/monster hybrids bent upon replacing humanity at the top of the food chain, “Three Wolves” brand is certainly a product you can’t live without!  Hurry to your local KroBar, HighCostCo, Meijeijier, Nearly-All-Mart, Not-So-OK-Mart, or Lose Dixie (Is That Still a Thing?) and pick up a can or twenty-five today!  As a special bonus, tell your cashier that “The Eye of Zatara” sent you, and receive a free “This guy is crazy.” glance with your purchase!  While supplies last!

Thanks for your support, Everyone!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” is no longer sponsored by “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans.  Maybe let them write the article next time?

~The Watchman

EDIT: Awww…..  🙁

~The Gatekeeper