Site News – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Gives – June 2021: The BTBL

[Original Post: Sunday, June 13, 2021]

FROM “THE EYE OF ZATARA” STAFF:
Today, we the staff of “The Eye of Zatara” are very proud to announce a new feature on this blog. In this feature, appearing every few months or so, we will take a moment away from reporting the latest news and world events that we hear about to instead focus locally on a small, deserving charity in our area, one which very much needs your support, loyal readers, to help make a difference in the region of Sumgaters, Louisiana where “The Eye of Zatara” Studios makes its home. Today’s charity, for the month of June, is the BTBL, or “Bloodthirst Bank of Louisiana”, which focuses on helping down-on-their-luck “vampires” in Louisiana find the much needed blood they need to survive. Here’s some more about the BTBL, and how to help:

FROM THE “BLOODTHIRST BANK OF LOUISIANA”:
Tomorrow, June 14th is World Blood Donor Day, a time when people come together around the world to donate blood at their local Blood Bank, to ensure that those needing blood have the life-giving resource they need to help them survive when crisis comes their way. But, unbeknownst to most donors, 95.7% of America’s Blood Banks currently refuse to give blood to one of the most persecuted, under-priviliged sectors of our community, the Hemopoiesisly Challenged.

Known to some by the derogatory slang terms “vampire”, “Dracula”, “undead”, and “bloodsucker”, to name a few, the Hemopoiesisly Challenged (“HC”) do not have the ability to regenerate the blood cells in their otherwise immortal, ageless bodies, leaving them without the necromantic protections their eternal forms need against otherwise harmless everyday items in our world such as garlic, crosses, stakes, steaks, the Sun, and Stephenie Meyer novels (which do not so much kill as horribly embarrass them). This forces them, in self-defense, to use their chiropteran bat fangs to drain the blood they need from those they can find in the community around them, often turning these bystanders themselves into more Hemopoiesisly Challenged victims of our cruel, heartless society.

But, tomorrow, you can help! For less than the amount of blood lost to a simple amputation, you can donate everything needed for a local “HC” family to quench their thirst for several months of their unnatural, nocturnal existence. By adding a $100 donation with your blood, you can also help pay for the daily life essentials these so-called “vampires” will need to live a full and thriving everyday life, such as comfortable, sturdy coffins to sleep in, Coppertone SPF 5,000, tooth sharpeners, and nanofiber clothes that change size with their “HC” wearers as they switch from human to bat form while commuting to work. (Flying as a bat to work is great for the environment! How thankful we should be for our ‘HC’ neighbors instead of chasing them with pitchforks and torches!)

So, tomorrow, as you weigh the cost of giving up a little of your blood to a local Blood Bank in your area, consider also stopping by the Bloodthirst Bank for your community, whether it be the BTBL for our “Who Bat?” brethren here in Louisiana, or one of our many partner affiliates throughout the continental United States, such as the “Crimson Tide of Mercy” bank in Alabama and the “Red Badge of Kindness” bank headquartered in Chancellorsville, Virginia. Do note that there are currently no Bloodthirst Banks in the Washington, D.C. area, though, as “HC” individuals there are mostly Congressmen and Senators, and can get all the blood they need from the voters they turn into mindless thralls by the millions in order to make sure they get re-elected. (How else do you think today’s politicians stay in power?)

Thank you in advance for considering a donation!

~The BTBL

FROM “THE EYE OF ZATARA” STAFF:
Wow, that was great, wasn’t it? We don’t intend to do this with every charity, but since this is our first ever local non-profit spotlight, “The Eye of Zatara” will be matching all cash donations made tomorrow to the BTBL as outlined below! SO GET DONATING!

$1 or more: Send a copy of your digital or physical receipt of cash donation to the Bloodthirst Bank of Louisiana tomorrow, and “The Eye of Zatara” will match your donation, dollar for dollar, with cash from as many copies of “Monopoly” that we have to borrow from our friends and neighbors as are needed to meet or exceed your generosity, dear reader!

$100 or more: If you donate $100 or more to the BTBL in a single donation tomorrow, “The Eye of Zatara” will write your name on a piece of paper to be put into a hat for a drawing the following week. The winner of this drawing will receive $5,000 cash from “The Eye of Zatara”, payable either in small golden colored bills or, digitally, if you have “Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition”. Your family will never beat you at board games ever again!

$1000 or more: If you donate $1000 or more to the BTBL in a single donation tomorrow, “The Eye of Zatara” will write your name on a commemorative plaque made entirely out of an old dry erase board that will hang in our offices for at least a month or two, until one of our interns forgets why the name is there and erases it while cleaning the office. We might even remember a part of your name afterwards! Here’s hoping, Amy Something Something of Shreveport!

$10,000 or more: If you donate $10,000 or more to the BTBL tomorrow, “The Eye of Zatara” will… thank you. Uh… silently. The next morning or something before work. Yep. We’ll do that thing we just said. You can count on us, dear reader. We will thank you. Silently. In our heads tomorrow. Whole-heartedly. Yep.

$100,000 or more: If you… ok, wait, you know what? Actually, we won’t match this. Quit flaunting how much money you have! Give some to us! You know how little we make off this blog? We literally made zero dollars from “The Eye of Zatara” last month! And the month before that! And the month before that! And all the months before that! Maybe WE ought to be a non-profit, and say we’re helping somebody or another. Is helping werewolves taken? Yes, we’re doing that now! Seriously! Donating $100,000 to some bank for vampires, but not sending anything to us… that’s selfish. That’s what that is. It’s selfish. You ought to send some to us, Selfish. Let’s CashApp. And no Monopoly money!

Thank you in advance!
~”The Eye of Zatara” Staff, Who Make Bird Houses for Underprivileged Werewolves Now, Too, or Something…

[SATIRE] F.B.I. “Most Wanted” Criminal Arrested in Costco After Shopping With Expired Membership Card

[Original Post: September 30, 2017]

New Orleans, LA – After spending nearly ten years on the run from local, state, and federal authorities scattered across the southeastern United States from North Carolina to Texas, it was with great joy today that New Orleans Deputy Police Commissioner Andre T. Jeffries announced the capture and arrest of F.B.I. “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, wanted for multiple individual counts of murder, murder for hire, arson, vandalism, terroristic threatening, and over a dozen other serious misdemeanors and felonies, after Mr. Thompson was caught shopping at a local area Costco store without an active membership card.

“It was the darnedest thing,” explained local New Orleans resident and Costco member, Randolph Winter, who witnessed Mr. Thompson’s arrest firsthand earlier this morning, “Here he was, trying to buy a box of like… 100 tangerines for one ridiculously low price, and some fuses or something, too, I think, when, suddenly, the cashier just flat-out asked him, ‘Sir, can I see your membership card, please?’ At first, the man kind of fidgeted and tried to make some excuses, but, after a few minutes of that, he finally just fessed up and admitted that he didn’t have a membership anymore, at which point, what looked like basically a small football team of employees bull-charged him and threw him violently to the ground. By the time someone realized he was on the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list, the guy was already hog-tied with most of a box of 100 extension cords being sold for $3.99 and was being force fed samples of dried cranberries by an overeager demo lady. Once the police arrived, he was already curled up in a ridiculously plush down comforter in the fetal position, crying, and asking for more cranberries.”

When asked how long Mr. Thompson had been residing in the New Orleans area, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries stated the authorities weren’t sure.

“We are continuing to investigate Mr. Thompson’s time in New Orleans, including when he arrived, how he arrived, how he managed to stay under our radar since his arrival, and why he let his Costco membership expire. Fortunately, thanks to some excellent policing by an OCD Jewish guy, two weird friends who constantly joke about 80’s movies, and a bunch of kids in a hippy van with a morbidly obese talking dog, we do, at least, have a working theory.” the Deputy Commissioner stated, in response to an energetic question from intern CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, Jr.. “A few hours ago, we confirmed that Mr. Thompson did have a legitimate Costco membership card on his person, but the card expired at midnight last night. It may be that Mr. Thompson has been residing in this same Costco retail store continuously for months, if not years, completely unnoticed by the overly friendly and unfathomably helpful Costco employees who then sustained him through the constant feeding of free samples to him and the unquestioned use of their reasonably priced and exquisitely relaxing home furniture. Thompson got lazy, however, when he let his membership expire. The moment he did, those happy, angelic little helper bees he had been relying on so heavily at Costco turned on him like freaky children of the corn from one of those scary horror/murder films my wife’s son from her first marriage likes to watch, and he had no choice but to scrounge up some change dropped by other members in the concession line to buy some tangerines with which to stay nourished.”

“We’re not sure why he was buying the fuses, though.” Deputy Commissioner Jeffries later added.

While Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries was eager to go into full detail about the arrest and extradition of F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, he was less inclined to comment on other rumors that another F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal, ‘Most Wanted’ #36 Alvin Lee Guitierrez, may also be hiding out in the area, hidden in a local area Sam’s Club retail store, a competitor of Costco’s.

“While Mr. Guitierrez may, in fact, be hiding out in a New Orleans area Sam’s Club, it would be impossible for us to confirm this,” Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries explained. “When’s the last time a Sam’s Club employee so much as looked at you at any point during your last shopping trip there? We’ve brought in a rugged old police detective in a shabby tan trench coat from another precinct to help us check on this lead, but, in all likelihood, Mr. Guitierrez is completely safe in a Sam’s Club for the time being.”

“Deputy Commissioner Jeffries, a question.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., once again bombarded the long-time second in command of the New Orleans Police Department with a pertinent question. “Even if that’s true, is it really ok for you to say something like that out loud? I mean, wouldn’t that encourage more criminals, whether from the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list or not to hide out in Sam’s Club once they know that no one is really looking for them in there?”

Deputy Commissioner Jeffries shook his head.

“No, it would take a seriously damaged, criminally-twisted individual to be able to endure six months of experiencing poor customer service in order to hide out for any long period of time in a wholesale store other than a Costco. Frankly, I just don’t think most men have it in them.”

“One more question please, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., frantically waved his hand, literally climbing onto the shoulders of a taller reporter standing in front of him in order to be better seen by the assistant head of the New Orleans Police Department.

“Yes, yes, what’s your question this time, young man? I have to take questions from reporters other than you sometimes, you know.”

“Oh, sorry, I understand, Sir. This will be my last one. I promise.” Michael Hamden, Jr. apologized, before continuing on with his query. “Um, is it true that the Costco corporation donated over a million dollars to the New Orleans Police Department this year at your annual charity gala, and their logo will be stamped on the side of every police car in the city later this month? I checked the F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ list earlier, and I couldn’t actually find anyone on it named Leonard ‘Iron Jack’ Thompson. The only ‘Most Wanted’ list criminal seen in this area in months was this one shady guy who looks a lot like James Spader. I get that you arrested someone from a Costco earlier this morning whose name is Leonard Thompson, but, um, are you sure it wasn’t just some sort of homeless guy down on his luck or something? Also, you all are kind of talking up Costco a lot, while saying quite a lot of mean things about people who work at Sam’s Club, and-”

“PRESS CONFERENCE OVER. I HAVE TO GO PICK UP MY STEP-SON FROM JUDO PRACTICE. GOOD QUESTIONS, EVERYONE. SEE YOU NEXT TIME.”

As Michael Hamden, Jr. finished his questions, the lights of New Orleans Police Headquarters’ Press Room were suddenly turned out, and the Deputy Police Commissioner as well as all of his staff had left by the time any of the reporters in the room could find a light switch. Shortly after the Deputy Police Commissioner’s conference, however, the Deputy Mayor of the New Orleans held a similar press conference, lauding Deputy Commissioner Jeffries on his role in the arrest of Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, but regrettably also announcing the Deputy Commissioner’s sudden retirement from the job due to a rather severe flare-up of his childhood “Gut Bustetitis” illness. Multiple sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” report that a man very similar in appearance to Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson was then seen stumbling awkwardly out the front steps of a local New Orleans Police Department building several hours later, before being escorted home by an irritated-looking officer in a freshly-painted, blue and white Ford Crown Victoria with a Costco logo on the side.

The F.B.I. declined to comment to “The Eye of Zatara” on the capture and arrest by the NOPD of supposed “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, except to say, “He had it coming to him. He let his Costco membership expire.”

***

BONUS: In an exclusive “Eye of Zatara” related follow-up to this story, a 31 year old man claiming to have been the unknowing roommate of Mr. Thompson, the two of them having lived for almost six months hidden in the office supplies aisle of Costco behind a thousand black ink pens and a very expensive wall safe, also returned today to his former life, mumbling something incoherently to passing Costco employees about “finally updating his blog” and warning them to “watch out for wolves”.

In unrelated news, “The Eye of Zatara” is now being updated again.

[SATIRE] PLAUSIBLE HISTORY: “Wolves”

Greetings from The Watchman.

Six months ago this week, “The Eye of Zatara” was officially launched, and the mental health of the United States of America began a slow but steady decline. In spite of my warning to this blog’s readers to steer clear of the ridiculousness personified in our articles, the madness contained here has continued to expand, engulfing topics as wide and varied as Star Trek planets voting themselves out of the Cardassian Union, DeLoreans disappearing into thin air after Tesla Autopilots are installed into them, and Olympic torch runners lighting villages on fire. Today, in alignment with goals that make sense to absolutely no one but The Gatekeeper, we welcome, for the first time, a new contributing member of our “The Eye of Zatara” team, a man known simply as “The Historian” who may be slightly closer to a straight jacket and padded cell than even The Gatekeeper himself. For all you history buffs out there who stumble across this so-called “blog” of misinformation, please, turn off your computer, load up a good documentary on Netflix, maybe find a good non-fiction book on Kindle, but, whatever you do, do not believe a single word typed by the hands of The Historian. If at all possible, do not even read them.

That said, on the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper, I now teeth-clenchingly welcome my new co-editor and contributing writer, a wonderfully paranoid man of questionable sanity and knowledge, whose debut piece on “The Eye of Zatara” is a brief, drooling lecture on the veracity-lacking history of otherworldly creatures he, for some reason, refers to as “wolves”, but whose origins and very existence are far more questionable than even that of commonly investigated cryptozoological mysteries such as the chupacabra. If you care nothing for yourself and the logical integrity of your rational mind, if through self-loathing you have developed the psychological equivalent of a strong death wish, or if you are simply too ignorant to take my repeated warnings to heart… please enjoy this first post below from The Historian in a new series of articles I have generously entitled “Plausible History”. Without further ado, here is “Plausible History: Wolves”.

~From “The Watchman”

***

Greetings from The Historian!

I am so very happy to finally be a part of “The Eye of Zatara” family, having been an avid reader for several days now after accidentally mistyping a URL in an attempt to read another website I visit more often. Today, in a new segment on “The Eye of Zatara” entitled “Plausible History”, I plan to discuss in detail a lesser known historical legacy of the monstrous breed of canines known colloquially as “wolves”, creatures I myself have spent many years following and researching at great risk to my own health and well being, believing that some day my knowledge would come to be of use to the world’s history lovers, hopefully including you!

Let us now begin.

[[PLAUSIBLE HISTORY: WOLVES]]

Wolves. Believed by many to be one Balto-esque journey away from being man’s next best friend and hero, a fluffy, grey-haired savior in the guise of a long canine snout and four padded paws. But what are wolves really? Are they really as simple and straightforward as they seem? Are they really so kind? Or, are they actually… the most evil creatures to have ever spawned upon God’s green earth since the now long extinct Apocalypseasaurus Rex, a furry Pandora’s Box waiting to unleash all the evils of creation upon those who view them as little more than the overgrown ancestors of their beloved childhood pets.

While some look like dogs, wolves are not a single type of creature, but a variety of terrifying, monstrous man-eaters capable (depending on the breed) of flying, breathing fire, turning invisible, conjuring massive bolts of electrical power like lightning, or even living off blood like a vampire. Believed to have first been summoned to this world in the year 1701 by Sir Isaac Newton through dark, alchemical rituals intended to create a Philosopher’s Stone, but were mostly purged from the world during the English Inquisition of 1835, a counterpart to the Spanish Inquisition started one year after its predecessor’s conclusion, specifically to rid England of wolves and those friendly to and colluding with the horrid creatures. A second wave of wolves, of two very slightly different breeds, were conjured independently by Russia’s Joseph Stalin and Japanese Emperor Hirohito in the opening days of World War II, combining alchemical texts from Sir Isaac Newton with those of Nostradamus, Dante, Paracelsus, Leonardo de Vinci, and Morgan Le Fey in an attempt to bolster their human forces with equally lethal non-human counterparts, the documents acquired from a hidden cache uncovered beneath the ancient site of Camelot in a white marble tomb inscribed with the name of ancient proto-wizard Merlin.

While these pure original wolves were terrifying enough, some were not content to let their true potential go unrealized. As the intermingling three species of unmodified wolf spread throughout all the world’s eight continents (Including Xanadu), adapting to a variety of natural environments and feeding upon humans like cattle, many were soon captured and experimented upon by twisted scientists who selective bred out their various traits and capabilities to create refined, elemental varieties of wolf now identified by each of their new primary natures, the “Fire Wolf”, “Ice Wolf”, “Sugar Wolf”, “Dream Wolf”, and “Moose Wolf” coming into being among many other kinds.

Many of these new wolves grew to overcome their captors, however, and now, armed with sentience and a humanesque level of intelligence comparable to fans of Beyonce, form a secret nation of their own in the shadows of this world that works together to attack innocent humans in the same way that carnivorous lions hunt gazelles. How much control they have over the affairs of this world is uncertain, but their cognitive ability is said to rival, or even surpass us, in some of their more intelligent species like the “Vampire Wolf”, so anything is surely possible. It is possible that even the United Nations itself has been infiltrated by wolves? It seems likely. Perhaps the wolves were even the true source of the hacked DNC emails believed by some to have changed the outcome of the 2016 U.S. Presidential election in favor of now President Donald J. Trump? Surely, this would explain the lack of an Executive Order from the President blocking wolves from entering the country until further notice, as he has done with refugees from seven Islamic countries. Could the wolves perhaps even be the true backers of the ridiculously stupid “A Dog’s Purpose” movie, an attempt to create propaganda with which to dull the senses of gullible humans against the ferocity hidden in the canine form, blinding them to the terror that are the more dog-like breeds of wolf, wolves just as dangerous as their more serpentine counterparts (the “Dragon Wolves”)?

How do wolves raise money, you ask, for such wicked schemes? By taking it out of the wallets of their victims, for one, but primarily, by selling cans of their somehow world famous “Three Wolves” brand green beans! The evidence is right there on the can – you can see the wolves on the label! The Illuminati… the New World Order… all these dark forces are connected to wolves and their green beans! World War III will not be a war of man against man as many people expect, but a war of man against wolf, human against canine, as we fight for our ultimate survival against our otherwise soon-to-be lupine monster overlords who view us the same way that we view a Chunky’s Pizza! DON’T YOU SEE? THEY WILL RULE US ALL IF WE DO NOT RESIST THEM! THEY CANNOT BE STOPPED WITH MERE PASSIVITY! WE MUST UNITE TOGETHER AS HOMO SAPIENS AND CRUSH THE WOLVES OF THE WORLD BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!

Ahem.

I’ve been told by The Watchman that this is all I have space to say today, so I will end things at this point. Please keep your eyes peeled, however, for the next eye-opening segment of “Plausible History” as I discuss the lost continent of Atlantis, the history of collectible card games, and the Earl of Sandwich’s illegal human cloning project, or maybe none of these things! Until then, please remember the lessons of history. After all, as the old saying goes, “Those who do not learn history are going to fail their history class and are doomed to repeat it.” Wise words indeed there.

As The Gatekeeper often says, “Watch out for wolves, Everyone!”

~The Historian

***

EDIT: Thank you, The Historian, for your excellent article, and welcome to “The Eye of Zatara” staff! I love all the information about wolves, but maybe you should go into more depth on it sometime. How about a “Plausible History: Wolves – Part Two” in the next week or two???

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Part Two???

Oh, heaven help us, please no. I can’t… after reading that, I just can’t… I might just end ten years of sobreity right here after reading that. I need… I need a tylenol…

~The Watchman

EDIT: Maybe we should have a party to celebration “The Historian” joining the team.

Anyone else suddenly hungry for green beans?

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] A New Sponsor – Chunky’s Pizza, Home of the Chunky Marinara Sauce Pizza

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In exclusive “The Eye of Zatara” related news, our innovative content and in-depth analyses of important issues from Donald Trump’s Presidential Cabinet to Shonen Jump’s Rurouni Kenshin Super has, at last, paid off, as a new corporate partner has stepped up to fill the shoes of the fickle Three Wolves brand of green beans, becoming our first (hopefully) permanent sponsor.

On the advice of my co-editor, “The Watchman”, I have decided to allow our new sponsor to construct an advertising statement for themselves, rather than attempt to write one myself. So, without further ado, please welcome the famous “Chunky’s Pizza Company” to our happy “The Eye of Zatara” family!

***

Happiness. Tradition. Flavor. These are the values that my grandfather, Harry Torrington, had in mind when he first sat down to make the now famous recipe of his first delicious Chunky’s pizza, a local tradition in the central Kentucky area since 1999. Eighteen years later, after committing my grandfather to a psychiatric hospital after he tried to ride a neighbor’s horse to Lexington and Concord insisting he had to “warn the Minutemen about the Redcoats”, I’ve left my illustrious career in the fast food industry behind to continue my grandfather’s dream of offering delicious pizza to Kentucky families struggling with obesity at a price they can afford without dipping into the coins from their “Liposuction Jar”.

Here at Chunky’s Pizza, now with five convenient Kentucky locations in Lexington, Frankfort, Louisville, Dry Ridge, and Bowling Green, plus a new store in southeastern Louisiana near New Orleans for no explicable reason, we put our hearts into every greasy, heart-clogging food item we prepare for our heavily overweight customer base. Our traditional style “Chunky Marinara Sauce” comes with three types of meats and seven types of meat byproducts mixed directly into the sauce, and our famed “Hand-Tossed Meat Crust” offers the same mix of Grade C local Kentucky meat beaten right into the dough of your pizza for that double “Ten Meat Mix” when then covered by our Chunky Marinara Sauce.

I know. There’s been a lot of talk by some of our competitors on the Internet about that Health Department investigation into our franchise, but, I assure you, the claims that our delicious Chunky Sticks are non-digestible and pass straight through your system intact are baseless smears, made up by those big names in the pizza business to scare you into not giving us any of your business. That’s because they know that once you’ve had your first bite of Chunky’s Pizza, you’ll be hooked, and you won’t ever think about spending your money at a different pizzeria again.

If you’re not sold on Chunky’s Pizza yet, for a limited time, we’re offering all “Eye of Zatara” readers a “Buy One, Get TWO Free” discount on our legendary “Chunky Lover’s” specialty pizza, a 20 inch large pizza pie on our mouth-watering Hand-Tossed Meat Crust slathered almost to the point of being soggy with our ten meat Chunky Marinara Sauce, and then covered generously with layers of Chunky Cheese, old Old World Pepperoni, spicy Italian sausage boils, Black Forest Fire Ham, genuine semi-bacon sprinkles, and a complimentary cup of garlicy Chunky Butter on the side to dip your pizza in for an extra shot of delicious Chunky’s flavor should you so choose!

(Note: “Buy One, Get TWO Free” offer is for Carryout Only, and requires a minimum order of $20 excluding the cost of the initial Chunky’s Lover pizza required to earn two additional Chunky’s Lover pizzas free. Offer may not be available in some, or all locations, and is only valid on weekdays after 5 pm excluding Tuesdays. Many restrictions may apply. Sales tax on an order in which this offer is applied will be doubled for no apparent reason, with the second sales tax amount applied directly to CEO Torrington’s “I Really Want to Buy a Yacht Like My Rich Friends” fund. E pluribus unum. Veni vidi vici. Legal mumbo jumbo. Excelsior. Stop reading this, Stupid.)

So, come on down to Chunky’s Pizza today, and “Taste the Chunky”! Grab a hot slice of a Chunky Lover’s Pizza, a quick order of Chunky Sticks, and wash it all down with your choice of our house made Chunky Cola, Sort-of-Diet Chunky Cola, Chunky Cherry Chunky Cola, or sparkling Brown Creme Soda. Tell them ole’ twenty year old Marty Torrington sent you, and receive a complimentary Chunky Mint or Chunky Toothpick with your order. Now, back to your regularly scheduled, excellent “The Eye of Zatara” article! (Forced wink.) Oh, and tell your friends and blubbery loved ones about us!!!

***

Wow! What an amazing advertisement, and what an amazing company! I’d say more, but Marty Torrington specifically paid me not to, so let me just say this – everyone reading the “Eye of Zatara”, please call Chunky’s Pizza immediately and order yourself a delicious-meat-and-meat-byproduct-filled dinner you and your family won’t ever forget, and not just because it sometimes causes diarrhea!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: I’ve been told by Marty Torrington that Chunky’s Pizza does not actually cause diarrhea. Please ignore my above statement, as it was foolishly based more on honesty than on greed, which I now realize is very, very wrong. Thank you.

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: …

~The Watchman

EDIT: …what?

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Nothing. Just… no, nevermind. Everyone, please eat at Chunky’s Pizza… just… very cautiously.

Wow. What in the world am I doing with my life???

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Driven from State of Kentucky By Angry Mob

(Original Post: January 1, 2017)

In startling news affecting all staff of “The Eye of Zatara”, an angry mob of protesters, furious after learning that most of the articles of the blog were satirical, chased co-editors “The Gatekeeper” and “The Watchman” clean out of the state brandishing a variety of firearms, pitchforks, and “poking sticks”, despite a failed attempt by “The Gatekeeper” to sing Stephen Foster’s “My Old Kentucky Home” to soothe the crowd.

The musical tribute to his home state worked at first, until “The Gatekeeper” could no longer correctly remember his state song’s lyrics, and began to blur them with the words from other, more generally patriotic tunes, singing “The day goes by like a shadow o’er the heart, With bombs bursting all through the long night, The time has come when red rockets blow apart, All but the flag in the dawn’s early light.” and “Weep no more my lady, for amber waves of grain! For the flag still waves o’er my old Kentucky home, and o’er its purple mountains, home to free and brave.”

At this point, the angry mob howled with bestial fury and a Husqvarna chainsaw was revved up from somewhere in their midst, causing The Gatekeeper and The Watchman to completely abandon any hope of calming their pursuers, and flee for their lives as far south of their former Kentucky brethren as possible, ultimately disappearing in the misty bayous of Louisiana to shake off the last of their dogged hunters before having their possessions transported to a northern New Orleans area safehouse to continue their questionable blogging practices.

“It was inevitable,” The Watchman reported, out of breath, once he and The Gatekeeper had, at last, made it out of mortal danger from their pursuers. “For years, the kind people of Kentucky put up with the growing madness of The Gatekeeper as he honed his undefinable mix of real life inspiration, witty satire, gibberish-like nonsense, subtle references to popular culture, and pure, all-consuming madness. It was only natural that as his ridiculousness reached its peak in the creation of ‘The Eye of Zatara’ blog, it would garner a little backlash from those who had hit the maximum limit of mental destruction from The Gatekeeper that their psyches could bear. Frankly, it is a true compliment to the people of Kentucky that they even lasted so long. We can only pray that our new friends and neighbors in Louisiana will be able to hold out half as long as The Gatekeeper’s delusional tendencies continue still to grow…”

As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” staff is safe and sound, and will be producing new content for their blog as soon as possible, unwilling to let a “little thing” like being forcibly driven from their homes stop their right to free expression.

“The Watchman tried to say I should tone it down a bit.” The Gatekeeper admitted, shaking his head, speaking to unnamed “The Eye of Zatara” supporters in an underground bunker earlier this morning. “Tone it down? Like I can tone down the truth! People need to know about Lex Luthor selling Kryptonite rocks via Nordstorm, CBC creating a new Christmas special about Blixo, the ‘Red State Reindeer’, and a ‘Rurouni Kenshin – Super!’ anime and manga coming soon to Japan. My colleague, The Watchman, may call it ‘satire’, but I call it ‘investigative journalism’, and will continue to use the platform ‘The Eye of Zatara’ affords me to inform the American people about these important news stories overlooked by the mainstream media.”

The Gatekeeper then spiked up his hair and gave a thumbs up, before attempting to sound like an immature child.

“That’s my Nindo, my Ninja Way! Believe it!”

“Heaven help us…” The Watchman reportedly added, sighing and shaking his head with a very exhausted look on his face. “I feel like the straight man in a Sonic Drive-In commercial…”

Whatever their future holds, it seems clear that “The Eye of Zatara” plans to continue producing new content in 2017, albeit from their new base location in southeastern Louisiana. As infuriated Kentuckians give up the search one by one for the state’s former residents, and an innocent flock of Louisianians gradually begin to become aware of the insane Frankenstein’s monster now dwelling among them, “The Eye of Zatara” bids a sad farewell to the state that put up with them and their nonsense far longer than seems humanly possible, wondering how long it will be before the next mob drives them away again to another distant corner of the vast Continental United States or far beyond…

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” 2016 – Madness in Review

Greetings from the only sane editor at the “Eye of Zatara”, the most reluctant affiliate of this otherworldly madness-inducing tabloid known as “The Watchman”.

Now that “The Gatekeeper “has returned from his much-too-short one week hiatus, I feel obligated by conscience to remind this blog’s unknowing victims of the sheer and utter insanity that threatens to infect them like a plague, seeping little by little into their psyche since this blog’s official opening just over four months ago, and perhaps longer for those first exposed to the Gatekeeper’s writings through association on social media.

2016 Brackets – An Objective Analysis – The Gatekeeper began his voyage into mental chaos with this nonsensical set of “brackets” for “March Madness” 2016, featuring such match-ups as St. Joseph’s Hospital versus the Cincinnati Reds and Professor Charles Xavier versus Sir Austin Lloyd Weber State. Utter nonsense.

Clinton Clinton 2016 – In this article, The Gatekeeper announces Hillary Clinton’s choice of Vice President in the 2016 election race – her husband, Bill Clinton.

Ghostbusters??? – A quick look at 2016’s Ghostbusters movie, with Dave Thomas and Jar Jar Binks as main characters, according to the picture.

Ghostbusters??? (Updated) – An even more bizarre analysis of 2016’s Ghostbusters, featuring the starship Enterprise, Casper the Friendly Ghost, and some sort of interdimensional Ronald McDonald monster.

Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War – Some sort of strange rendition of the Captain America poster with chocolate and strawberry beverages mixed into the picture?

Hadron Collider Shutdown Caused by Weasel; Officials Dismiss Reports of “Metahumans” – This one is at least somewhat true. A weasel did chew into some wiring on CERN’s hadron collider in Switzerland. I’m not sure anyone brought up metahumans other than The Gatekeeper, though…

A Mother’s Day Tribute – This is The Gatekeeper’s idea of a touching holiday moment. Oh, I wish it were as simple as it sounded…

Make America Grape Again – Back to politics, now Donald Trump is announcing the entire company behind Welch’s grape juice as his running mate, so he can “Make America Grape Again”. Whatever.

Orange You Tired of Trump? – A collection of additional images related to the last article about Republican presidential hopefuls and their company vice presidents – Tropicana Products included.

Yoohoo Civil War [A Biased and Unfair Review] – Continuing on the theme of “Captain America: Civil War” being “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War”, here’s the first full review from The Gatekeeper’s friend, Donovan Savage, from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine, which, as of yet, I have yet to actually confirm even exists.

Gavin Woods Announces “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”, First X-Men Movie About a Horse – Here’s a particularly weird one. According to The Gatekeeper, director Gavin Woods has announced the next X-Men movie to be about “X-Aggerator”, who I can only assume to be related to the Preakness winning horse “Exaggerator” from this year. You should probably skip this one.

Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC – “It was like something was missing from who I used to be… That’s when my doctor told me about Psycho.” Yeah, that pretty much summarizes it all right there.

Cardassiexit – Planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV Votes Out of the Cardassian Union – Apparently, a Star Trek planet voted itself out of the Cardassian Union, coincidentally, about the same time that “Brexit” occurred. It is amazing how The Gatekeeper’s mind works, in a very twisted way. Think Salvador Dali’s melted clocks, except those clocks are sanity itself.

Next Windows Version Cancelled After Project Lead Doesn’t Know What Comes After 10 – So, a programmer doesn’t know how to count beyond 10? Uh huh… ok. It is true that Windows is not planning to make another version of Windows for a while, and will just be sticking with Windows 10 and upgrading it. I doubt it’s because their Project Lead can’t count, however.

“Crisis of Character” and the Fox News Scandal – Ok, this one actually made me laugh a little. Heaven help me for admitting that. Apparently, Hillary Clinton hits someone with a book? Take a look for yourself if you want. After all, who really needs coherent thought? Not The Gatekeeper, clearly.

Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH – Apparently, this is one of The Gatekeeper’s favorite articles. Yes, the name of the teen is Martin J. McFly. You can probably figure out the rest. There may also be a “Doctor Who” reference in there somewhere.

“Pokémon Go” Announced as First Computer Virus Capable of Spreading to Human Host – So, “Pokémon Go” is a computer virus. I guess we’ve all developed antibodies, then? Sorry, that may be a little of my personal bias showing there. Forgive my unprofessionalism. Also, the Pfizer spokesman in this article is named “James Jessen”. Subtle, Gatekeeper. Subtle.

Local Crackpot Starts Nonsensical News Blog, the “Eye of Zatara” – Ah, here we go! My first article! Here is where I warned you and everyone else not to read this terrible blog before I officially accepted the position of co-editor. (Why in the world did I do that, come to think of it? It’s not like I get paid for this.) Why are you still here reading this new article? Save your sanity and hit “Back” on your browser immediately! Sigh. You’re not listening, are you?

Torch Runner Accidentally Starts a Dozen Wildfires with Olympic Flame – This was the first new article posted to the “Eye of Zatara” after its official launch on August 6th. Something about a clumsy torch runner dropping sacred Olympic fire everywhere and burning down some Brazilian villages. It’s more plausible than most things on this site, at least.

Nintendo “Out of Ideas for New Pokémon”; New Games Will Feature Old Pokémon in New Colors – I haven’t picked it up yet, but Pokémon Sun and Moon actually look pretty good to me. They’ve gotten good reviews, too. Apparently, The Gatekeeper thinks otherwise. Read his ridiculousness by clicking the link above if you dare.

Flash Season 3 Antagonist Revealed – Usain Bolt!!! – And here the Arrowverse articles begin with The Gatekeeper claiming Olympic athlete Usain Bolt is the Season 3 antagonist for The Flash. He’s certainly fast enough, that’s true, at least.

Players Excited About Upcoming Pokémon Go Feature – “Fun” – Another Pokémon Go article. This time, a little more negative than the last. There’s some sort of bickering between school kids, some comments supposedly from Niantic, a YouTube video from a real life Meowth dressed like a human – the usual irrationality from The Gatekeeper’s writing.

Arrow Season Five’s Antagonist Has “Failed Everyone” – Yes, it’s Zach Synder, the director for “Batman v. Superman – Dawn of Justice”. Did you really expect anything less from “The Eye of Zatara”?

“Star Trek: Discovery” Delayed Until May After Executive Producer Insulted by High Schooler – Apparently, adults can be bullied, too, and it’s for this reason that The Gatekeeper believes “Star Trek: Discovery” was delayed. If it ends up being anywhere near as disappointing as “Star Trek: Enterprise”, it can be delayed forever for all I care.

Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster – Here is where “The Eye of Zatara”‘s source, “DC-TV-Spoilers.Com” claims that a time travelling speedster is the reason their information about Usain Bolt and Zach Synder being the antagonists of the next seasons of Flash and Arrow was wrong. I suppose that’s also why Trump’s Vice President-Elect is no longer Welch’s Food Products, too? How convenient. Luke Cage is also mentioned here. Good show.

2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP! – I don’t even know what to say about this one. Doesn’t that newspaper actually say “Dewey Defeats Truman”? I know it’s folded so that you can only see “Trum”, but still…

Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media – This one’s actually rather complex. It looks like it covers everything from the Trump election backlash to the “Hamilton” cast calling out our new Vice President-Elect to Keifer Sutherland’s television career, and something about an employee at Ikea. It might be worth reading if it wasn’t so totally and utterly crazy.

Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review] – Donovan Savage is back, and, this time, he’s reviewing a movie from last year. How… topical.

Our First Sponsor – “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans – Oh, look! Our first sponsor, driven off by The Gatekeeper immediately after affiliating themselves with us! I have no idea what all this “wolf” stuff The Gatekeeper was talking about means, but I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of it, as much as that thought very much disturbs me…

Weekly Shonen Jump Announces “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” for January 2017 – Oh, look, The Gatekeeper likes anime, too! How wonderful. (I’m being sarcastic.) This was yesterday’s article, so this pretty much catches us up. It looks like The Gatekeeper changed the article picture since yesterday. The white background looks better than the pale yellow, so a rare moment of intelligence from my fellow editor there. On another note, if you haven’t seen “Dragon Ball Super” yet, I would definitely recommend it.

Thank you for sticking with me through that exhaustive look at the 29 other posts to “The Eye of Zatara” this year, with my summary here bringing us to exactly 30. I’m sure now that The Gatekeeper’s back in full swing, we’ll still have several more holiday or otherwise-themed scraps of gibberish to look over before the end of the year, so, if you care nothing for your ability to continue distinguishing fiction from reality, stay tuned to the “Eye of Zatara” in the coming weeks. Your local sanitarium will thank you for it!

~The Watchman

Thanks, Watchman. Your kind support of my work is welcome, as always! Remind me to send you a Crystal Pepsi for your trouble. Happy National Edit an Article on Your Own Blog Day!

~The Gatekeeper

There is no such day. Stay out of my articles, you oddly literate lunatic.

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] Our First Sponsor – “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans!

(Original Post: December 1, 2016)

Greetings, Readers, from your friend and primary editor, contributor, and creator of “The Eye of Zatara”, The Gatekeeper!

I’d like to take a quick break from my brief birthday week hiatus to inform all Eye of Zatara readers of some very exciting news – the “Eye of Zatara” now has its first official sponsor, “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans! To thank them for their support, I’ve written a small promotional message for them below. I hope you’ll glance through my first attempt at an advertisement and thoughtfully consider adding “Three Wolves” Brand products to your grocery list today. Here goes:

Are you aware that horrible canine/monster hybrids known as “wolves” walk the streets, looking for humans to feed upon like livestock? Are you aware of the forces, both human and coyote, that fight against these terrifying creatures to preserve the homo sapiens species from the super-lethal alpha predators mistakenly believed by common folk to be “cute, fluffy, grey dog things”. Do you like green beans?

If you answered yes to any or none of those questions, then maybe “Three Wolves” brand green beans are right for you. Made in a special farm by a subset of sentient ultra-intelligent canine species known colloquially as “wolves”, 100% of the sale of every can of “Three Wolves” brand green beans goes to funding the wolves’ campaign to dominate and feast upon humanity, while protecting themselves from the coyotes and often self-proclaimed “Wolf Hunters” that plague their existence, treating them like criminals simply for following their natural genetic predisposition to eat us. Not only that, but every can is “Wolf-Certified” fresh and delicious, guaranteed to put a smile on your children’s face except for that one picky one who hates all vegetables. You know the one.

If your mind’s not made up already, let me remind you that “Three Wolves” brand green beans are certified organic and gluten/trans fat free, meaning your vegan kid can’t complain about them (but probably will anyway). In summary, if you love food, nutrition, great taste, and funding canine/monster hybrids bent upon replacing humanity at the top of the food chain, “Three Wolves” brand is certainly a product you can’t live without! Hurry to your local KroBar, HighCostCo, Meijeijier, Nearly-All-Mart, Not-So-OK-Mart, or Lose Dixie (Is That Still a Thing?) and pick up a can or twenty-five today! As a special bonus, tell your cashier that “The Eye of Zatara” sent you, and receive a free “This guy is crazy.” glance with your purchase! While supplies last!

Thanks for your support, Everyone!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” is no longer sponsored by “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans. Maybe let them write the article next time?

~The Watchman

EDIT: Awww….. 🙁

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Local Crackpot Starts Nonsensical News Blog, the “Eye of Zatara”

(Original Post: August 6, 2016)

Near the end of his life, the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle once postulated that “If you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with infinite typewriters, they will eventually type the collective works of Shakespeare in their entirety.” His student, Socrates, later added “If you put a single monkey in a room with a single typewriter, and make him feel important enough, he’ll eventually start a blog.” To this end, web hosting was made prohibitively expensive throughout the duration of both the Greek and Roman Empires’ domination of the ancient world, and even well into the Middle Ages. In the current era, however, Big Macs and terrible television shows with titles starting with “The Real Housewives of” have numbed the collective unconscious of our current generation, causing affordable, reliable web hosting options to come into being that even crackpots, conspiracy theorists, and Green Party supporters can quickly and easily obtain. As a result, countless blogs on every topic from Big Macs to toothpicks to Gary Busey’s hair have come into being, wasting the time of millions of unfortunate family members and friends of these so-called “bloggers”, guilt-tripped into occasionally reading the garbage passed off as “content” by their loved ones while wading through an infinite number of Facebook posts from these “bloggers” advertising their gibberish. Eventually, even the closest relatives and companions of these pitiable victims of their own ignorance and ego are forced to remove the “blogger” from their Newsfeed, and sometimes “accidentally” de-friend them… repeatedly.

Case in point, a blog started by an experimental lobotomy patient calling himself “The Gatekeeper” – his blog, the “Eye of Zatara”, purports to be a news site, but the articles contained within have more to do with the reality of Lewis Carroll’s “The Jabberwocky” than with anything to be found on any earth-like planet I am aware of. Claiming to only be able to write under the influence of “an unhealthy amount of Crystal Pepsi and Yoohoo! chocolate drink, sometimes mixed together with multiple Zero bars”, The Gatekeeper has already accumulated a grand fool’s collection of useless, idiotic ramblings about subjects as diverse as movies, politics, video games, and anime. Generally, anything that triggers a psychotic break in our professional idiot seems to fair game for his next inspiration. Worse of all, he seems to have recently gotten his hands on a couple of free Photoshop knockoffs, yielding all the more twisted and terrifying results in his drool-like madman’s drippings of false and irrational non-fiction.

As “The Watchman”, I have been paid a very hefty thirty pieces of silver to announce the official opening of the “Eye of Zatara”, and, so have I done, even at the cost of the final ragged shreds of my personal integrity as a spokesman. Be warned, however, if you continue to peruse the offerings of the “Eye of Zatara”, whatever fate may befall your sanity is on your own head. I will not bear the blood guilt for your eventual and total declination into unsober madness. You have been warned. Whatever humor may be found in The Gatekeeper’s articles, whatever sharp and witty criticism of current events, whatever insightful analysis of the world around him… you are only killing your own brain cells giving in to his facade of offering you humor. You will come to regret it. So, sit back, enjoy reading about Donald Trump’s selection of Welch’s Grape Juice for a running mate, Tesla installing an Autopilot into Doctor Who’s Tardis, and Cthulhu’s inclusion as a leading actor in the new Ghostbusters Reboot. Enjoy, until one day, you laugh your way straight into a straight jacket, giggling and spitting up on yourself while seeing imaginary butterflies spinning around your head under the light of a perfect, hot pink full moon you can see through the window of the hospital repairing your broken bones after you ran out into the street catching Pokemans with a burlap sack because the voices in your head told you to. That is the future that awaits this blog’s readers.

Again, you have been warned.

~The Watchman

Wow, a strong endorsement from The Watchman. Thumbs up! Keep reading “The Eye of Zatara”! New content coming soon, once I get some more Crystal Pepsi! 😉

~The Gatekeeper

…

~The Watchman