The Gatekeeper – Page 2 – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Power Rangers Announce Power Will Now Come from Green Energy — Windmills Installed on Megazord

(Original Post: March 17, 2021)

Angel Grove, California – In response to complaints about the tremendous amount of smog produced by their massive “Zord” vehicles while defending the town of Angel Grove from magical monsters, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers announced in a press conference today at the Angel Grove Juice Bar that they are switching over all of their Zords, and even the power in their own Power Suits, to renewable green energy sources.

“We found that by covering all of our Zords, head to toe, in solar panels and windmills, we could generate just about the same amount of energy needed to run them as we were getting from coal,” explained the Blue Ranger, technical genius among the six heroes. “By putting rechargeable batteries in our morphers, we can plug them up to our Zords to charge them until we need them, instead of using a small amount of nuclear fuel in them as we currently do. As a result, the heavy blanket of smog covering the entirety of Angel Grove should clear up now in approximately three to five years!”

“Three to five years?” A reporter arched an eyebrow at the Blue Ranger.

“Yes, that’s really quite a remarkable timetable for a massive environmental overhaul, isn’t it?” the Blue Ranger nodded, giving an affirming thumbs up to his own answer.

“What will you do if Lord Zed attacks us at night, though, and it’s not particularly windy or anything?” another reporter asked, as the Blue Ranger started looking uncomfortable and the Red Ranger stepped up to field the question.

“Come on now, do you EVER remember a monster attacking us at night? It’s always during the day, like a couple hours after we get out of school. Like… 4 to 6 pm, I’d say.” the Red Ranger clarified, as the reporter continued to stare at him a little strangely. “Good thing, too, otherwise, it’d be impossible for us to keep up our grades and maintain our extracurriculars.”

“Wait, you pilot giant dinosaur robots that always end up destroying multiple skyscrapers in our city every time you use them, and you’re still in High School???” another reported asked, as the Red Ranger shrunk back beside the Blue Ranger hoping someone else would answer the question.

“No, no, we’re… Uh… We’re in college! Like Masters level college. We’re super smart and stuff.” the White Ranger bluffed, nodding confidently at the reporters and flashing a big toothy smile he forgot they couldn’t see through his helmet. “E.T. equals M.C. squared!”

Suddenly, one of the reporters, a regular to the Juice Bar, had an epiphany.

“Oh, my gosh! You’re those six weird teenagers that are always hanging out in this Bar after school, aren’t you?” she pointed accusingly at the heroes, as several other reporters also immediately recognized them and began taking pictures. “The ones always dressed in black, pink, blue, yellow, red, and white outfits like your Ranger colors! Oh my gosh, how did we miss this???”

“No, no, we’re, um… aliens… from… from… from outer space! Ooooo… Spooky!” the White Ranger tried to lie again, starting to sweat profusely. “We just LOOK like those six weird teenagers that hang out in the Juice Bar after school. Like… a lot like them.”

At this point, the press conference developed into a chaotic frenzy of accusations, ending in the Power Rangers’ parents being called by multiple members of the Angel Grove city council, and the Rangers themselves being grounded “forever”. The Rangers’ new Zords, now converted to work on renewable energy, were confiscated by the city, but no longer functioned except when it was either really, really bright out or really, really windy, and were ultimately scrapped for parts. Many citizens of Angel Grove were afraid that without the Power Rangers to protect them, Lord Zed would attack and annihilate their city. Fortunately for them, Lord Zed continued to be as accommodating to the Rangers’ schedules as always, and has sworn to hold off on all monster attacks until the Rangers can move out on their own into apartments and maybe also finish at least their Associate’s Degrees.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Biden Addresses Crisis at Border – “Sky Wall” to Be Built on Northern Border to Keep Out Canadian Geese

(Original Post: March 16, 2021)

Derby Line, Vermont – Citizens on the Canadian border town of Derby Line, Vermont celebrated today as the Biden administration announced plans to begin construction on a new “Sky Wall” to help keep Canadian Geese from flying freely into our country.

“The racist right would like you to focus only on immigration across our Southern border,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained to reporters gathered in the White House press briefing room this morning. “Our new Pokéball initiatve helps address this problem, but the time has come to circle back to our Canadian border. Geese swarming unchecked into our country are stealing the bread from old ladies that American ducks would otherwise receive. How are these ducks supposed to feed their families?”

“I am happy to announce today,” President Biden elaborated, in a small video statement he made in-between “Afternoon Naptime #1” and “Afternoon Naptime #2” on his schedule, “That included in the recently signed COVID relief bill are funds to build the ‘Sky Wall’ needed to protect American interests on the Canadian border. This will consist of an electrified chain link fence covering nearly 6,000 miles of border equipped with motion detection speakers that quack out ‘Keep Out, Aye!’ in goose honks to any approaching Canadian immigrants. The fence will be over 10,000 feet high and will include solar panels made by our good friends in China to power the speakers. End of statement. You can stop reading the teleprompter, Joe. It just went blank. Wait, who… What… Where am I again?”

“There were many on the right and on the left who criticized the Obama administration for not addressing Canadian Goose immigration when they passed the Avian Affordable Care Act in 2010, the bill which promised free moldy bread pieces and discounted health insurance to annoying pond birds in certain low income brackets who qualify,” explained Vice President Harris in a brief sit-down interview with Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News. “The Harris Administration has now done what the Obama Administration was afraid to, constructing a glorious new ‘Sky Wall’ to guard our nation’s children from being woken up at 3 in the morning by loud obnoxious goose honking noises. We have also issued 1400 lb. stimulus breads to American ducks that have been effected by the ongoing Canadian Goose immigration crisis to help them recover financially from previous administrations’ lack of follow-through.”

“My concern is what will be done with the Canadian Geese who are already here.” Senator Ted Cruz tweeted from inside a Pokéball in Carrizo Springs, Texas. “It’s not like they’re simply going to fly south to another country or something in six months. They’re a part of the economy now. Are we going to offer them a pathway to citizenship, or are we going to round them up with some kind of Goose Nets and throw them back into Canada?”

Ted Cruz clarified his position with a following tweet.

“Personally, I hope we use the Goose Nets.”

[SATIRE] Warning to Hill Valley Residents – Entire Town Will Go “Back to the Future” at 2 AM

(Original Post: March 13, 2021)

Hill Valley, California – Residents of the sleepy town of Hill Valley were less than amused late last night when a man, looking suspiciously like a younger Christopher Lloyd, began running through the streets of their small suburban utopia screaming about time travel.

“Everyone, you have to prepare yourselves!” Emmett “Doc” Brown explained, waking everyone up at the nocturnal hour of 2 am this morning. “Based on my calculations, this time tomorrow, everyone and everything in this town will go… ‘Back to the Future’. One hour in the future, to be precise, and everything that would otherwise occur between the hours of 2 am and 3 am on Sunday, March 14th, 2021 will cease to exist!”

“We know!” A rather irritated looking woman shouted back through the second floor window of her townhouse as “Doc” Brown ran by screaming. “It’s called Daylight Savings Time! Leave us alone!”

“You KNOW about this???” Mr. Brown stopped in his tracks, looking confused. “If they know about the future, then someone else in this town must have gained access to my DeLorean. The only explanation is that someone used the DeLorean to time travel into the future, found out about the missing hour on March 14th, and then returned to this time and told everyone about it. But, to what end? Great Scott, the consequences to the fabric of time and space itself from such interference will be enormous!”

“Yo, Doc… I think maybe we should go home and take those pills I was trying to give you earlier. You know, the ones that make you less like a bad movie character.” a strangely hip young Michael J. Fox lookalike rushed up to the old man a little winded, having been unable to find a hoverboard to help him catch up to the ranting and running old man more quickly after learning of his escapades. “Einstein hasn’t been fed in like a week, and the ASPCA have left like five letters on your door. I don’t think Daylight Savings Time is going to change any of that.”

“YOU know about it, too?” “Doc” Brown eyed his young comrade suspiciously. “But… how? Don’t tell me… YOU’RE the one who took the DeLorean to the future and told all these people about the time skip ahead of me???”

“No, it’s like… Benjamin Franklin started all this. I think.” the orange-jacketed young man scratched his head trying to remember the details of a history class that occurred off-screen. “It’s to ration daylight. So it’s brighter during normal business hours no matter what time of year it is. Any of this ringing a bell?”

“I should have known it was that Franklin chap that started all of this…” the old man’s eyes narrowed, a look of fierce determination in his gaze. “Get my Hoveround, Marty… We’re going to go give ‘Poor Richard’ something to almanac about.”

When residents woke up and began investigating the strange screaming that had disturbed their sleep over the course of the night, not a soul in Hill Valley could locate the man who calls himself “Doc Brown” or the young scruffy-headed teenager who had been trying to get him to take his medication. However, when they began going about their business later that day, the more affluent members of their community noticed that the portrait in the middle of any $100 bills in their possession had changed overnight, replaced with a blurry photo of an old man with white hair sitting on a modern, electric motor scooter.

Members of a group calling themselves the “Legends of Tomorrow” appeared in their town shortly after, to investigate the “second instance of time travel that had occurred in California this week”, but nobody cared.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Mystery in the San Francisco Skies – Actual Starships from ‘Star Trek’ Time Travel to Stop Alex Kurtzman

[March 8, 2021]
San Francisco, CA – In a startling revelation with great potential consequences to the future of humanity, large space-faring warships belonging to the once thought fictional United Federation of Planets, Klingon Empire, and Romulan Star Empire from “Star Trek” continuity appeared in the upper atmosphere over 24-593 Federation Drive, future home of Starfleet Headquarters, with an ultimatum for the people of the United States – “Stop making terrible Star Trek.”

“This Alex Kurtzman P’Tok that writes your shows is defaming the future of our galaxy!” shouted the commander of the Klingon vessel, the T’Kala. “Our fallen brothers in Stovokor cry out in shame over the bleeding of their honor! This human Kurtzman portrays us as cannibalistic, Trump-supporting, bald orc MONSTERS who fly pyramid ships through the stars like imbeciles!”

“We do not approve of the humanistic propaganda in your ‘Star Trek: Picard’ that claims the Romulan Star Empire lacks enough ships to even evacuate its own citizens from its homeworld in the event of a disaster.” Added Commander Revok of the Romulan Bird of Prey, the Va’nera. “What kind of threat would we be to your Federation in ‘The Next Generation’ if we didn’t even have more than a handful of ships to our name? As our misguided Vulcan cousins would say, that is highly illogical. Two can play at this misguided war of false information, Humans.”

“Give them a chance!” Alex Kurtzman replied, in a message sent to the ships hovering over San Francisco from a safe underground bunker at an unspecified location nearby. “I know you all are obsessed with Star Trek being EXACTLY how it used to be, but give my shows a chance! They’re full of love! And really stupid things! Love and really stupid things! Kind of like a family!”

“A woman from an alternate universe in the distant past defeated a hologram from far in the future by blinking at it,” replied Captain John Tolliver of the U.S.S. Everlast. “How does that even work?”

“Uh…” Kurtzman stuttered.

“Romulan agents blew up the shipyards building a fleet to save our people in the Romulus system from being annihilated by a supernova blast.” Commander Revok of the Va’nera added. “Why would we do such a thing?”

“Well…” Kurtzman swallowed hard.

“That honorless woman that stars in your ‘Lower Decks’ garbage said all Klingons have apostrophes in their names.” Captain Kah’lok of the Klingon T’Kala interjected, angrily. “That is racist human filth! Has she not heard of the great Kang and Kodos? What of the Federation’s own Lieutenant Commander Worf? Have you not even heard of HIM???”

“I, uh… I don’t know who that is.” Kurtzman scratched his head.

The Klingon ship charged its weapons.

“Wait, all of you, listen to me, I’m sure there’s a better way!” another signal appeared from somewhere in the area, broadcast to the gathered starships from a nearby television studio in Los Angeles, this time from former Star Trek child actor, Wil Wheaton, who played the character, “Wesley Crusher” on “The Next Generation”. “If I learned anything from my time on TNG, it’s that aggression and violence never solve anything. Come on, Everybody, let’s come together and believe that!”

The Klingon ship fired immediately on Wil Wheaton’s location and nothing more was ever spoken of the matter by anyone.

“Wait, let’s… sit down… and… talk… about this… together.” Another Star Trek actor intervened, hailing the future ships from a fan replica of the original series Enterprise given to him as a gift for reading a fan script with him. “This is… Captain… James T. Kirk… played by… Bill Shatner. I am… pleading with you… in the… name of peace… You must… stand down… and… listen to me…”

“It appears that man is having a seizure.” a science officer on the bridge of the U.S.S. Everlast noted, as their crew attempted to decipher the cryptic communication. “He keeps… stopping and starting his sentences. Is it some kind of code?”

Before any of the ships from the future could understand what William Shatner was talking about, another ship from the future, who had apparently followed the first three ships through the same convenient “anomaly of the week” they used to appear here, emerged at once above the innocent San Francisco skies and began immediately firing some kind of advanced tractor beam at Alex Kurtzman’s location.

“Resistance is futile. Your future and your lore will be assimilated.” the Borg Cube announced, as the other three ships from the future raised their shields and began firing their weapons in vain against the massive block of interlocking technology. “Once the future of the Alpha Quadrant becomes known to the Borg in its entirety, we can alter our strategies to more quickly assimilate the species in your sectors.”

“Wait… strange alien ship… you must not absorb that… contradictory… nonsense…” William Shatner tried in vain to hail the Borg ship from his apparently somewhat working fan replica of the Enterprise. “Your minds… cannot… handle… the… terrible… writing!”

The Borg Ship exploded.

“No…” William Shatner ripped off his shirt while overacting before a nonexistent studio audience. “I… tried… to… warn them.”

“It’s alright! We managed to beam Alex Kurtzman onto the Everlast in the very nick of time.” Captain John Tolliver announced, as his Galaxy-class ship cancelled Red Alert status upon confirmation of the Borg Cube’s destruction. “Funny how Federations ships always manage to do that when stuff explodes.”

“Come on, then, let’s return to the future. We can deal with this… Kurtzman… once we are back in our time.” Captain Kah’lok shouted, before returning with the Federation and Romulans back to the 24th century.

“Good, they think they’ve settled things.” a voice echoed quietly amongst the Los Angeles rubble created by the Klingon ship T’Kala’s disruptors. A few seconds later, a smiling Wil Wheaton phased back into regular space using the reality warping powers taught to him by “The Traveller” on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”, laughing quietly to himself as he watched the starships from the future escape in the fading light of their impulse engine exhaust. “They think they’ve stopped me, because they took away Kurtzman. They have no idea. I can EASILY find another to take his place.”

Wil Wheaton smiled before looking directly at nearby passersby and talking to them as if they had any idea who he was or what he was talking about.

“All of the destruction of ‘Star Trek’,” he began, “reducing it from a beloved, intellectually-driven franchise about optimism and hope for the future, into a bland, dark, dystopian mishmash of generic science fiction concepts executed with no emotional or philosophical depth. It was me. It was ALWAYS me. I hated them for making me ‘Wesley Crusher’. I hated them for making me a laughing stock. Now I will make TREKKIES look pathetic! I will make ‘STAR TREK’ the laughing stock. I will show EVEN THE FUTURE ITSELF what it’s like to be the butt of everyone’s jokes! I will make everyone pay for all those videos on YouTube that compile together all the cast members of TNG saying ‘Shut up, Wesley.’ to me…”

Laughing maniacally with a standard evil Bond villain laugh, Wil Wheaton then turned once again to the stunned passersby gathered around him in the wreckage of the Los Angeles studio he had been scheming in when the ships from the future appeared.

“What, no ‘villain reveal’ song after I show my true colors to the world?” Wil Wheaton frowned. “I really need to find my way onto Disney Plus. If I was a secret villain on Disney Plus, they definitely would have given me a catchy ‘villain reveal’ song.”

According to sources close to “The Eye of Zatara”, Alex Kurtzman has not been seen on the planet Earth since the appearance of the strange ships from the future. Wil Wheaton, however, now confirmed live and well, has been spotted multiple times in the California area, sitting down with LucasFilm’s own Kathleen Kennedy of Star Wars sequel trilogy “fame”, and whispering to her as if offering her some kind of deal.

[SATIRE] Biden Administration Offers “Pokéballs” as Solution to Migrant Housing Facilities

[March 4, 2021]

Washington, D.C. – Facing backlash for increasing the number of “kids in cages” since he took office, U.S. President Joe Biden, along with Satoshi Tajiri, the President of the Japanese video game company “Game Freak”, has announced a new solution to temporarily housing migrant children separated from their parents after crossing the southern border – storing these children electronically as data in small red and white capsule devices known as “Pokéballs”.

“While originally designed for containing elemental monsters such as the electric mouse, Pikachu, or winged fire lizard, Charizard,” Tajiri explained in an interview earlier this morning, “our recently invented real life versions of Pokéballs are as equally good at converting human beings into energy and storing them electronically as they are Pokémon, especially since Pokémon don’t exist yet.”

“No longer will we continue the Trump tradition of putting children in cages!” Biden declared triumphantly to a small gaggle of reporters later in the afternoon. “Instead, we will store children in Pokéballs, and put the Pokéballs in the cages! Win, win!”

“Building Pokéballs just to contain children. That’s sad.” former U.S. President Donald Trump shook his head, during a brief conversation on the topic with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden today. “That money could go to better things. Greater things. American things. Like more cages. Children love cages. They’re like little hotels to them. Stick a tiny TV in there, and they’re good for weeks at a time. I usually have the TVs play ‘The Apprentice’ on loop. Don’t want to risk them watching CNN and getting brainwashed by fake news, after all.”

“Kids love Pokémon.” Biden shrugged, when asked how he came up with the idea for the new policy, while sitting down in the prison that is his portion of the White House, with SLNC News Reporter, Timothy Gibbings, while Kamala Harris stood watch outside to make sure the U.S. President didn’t try to sneak out the window again today. “So, I figure, why not treat kids LIKE Pokémon. I’m told they’ll be computer files while in the Pokéballs, so they won’t remember a thing anyway. Not even my hairy legs.”

“When will you begin implementation of the new policy?” Mr. Gibbings asked, trying to get the President’s attention away from a game of Mario Kart he was getting rather involved in on his White House Nintendo Switch.

“Huh? What? Oh, we have already!” the President announced with a smile, before firing a series of red turtle shells at an online player by the name of “BarackYourWorld” but somehow missing with all of them. “The good thing about Pokéballs, I’m told, is you can carry them on a belt on your waist. If you hit something with them, the Pokéball automatically opens to catch them, converting them into computer whatsit. I had a bunch of Border Patrol guys hang around the Alamo and throw Pokéballs at every kid they could see. Caught a bunch of them already! Sent them straight to Carrizo Springs…”

“The Alamo’s not on the border. It’s more of a tourist haven for Americans.” Mr. Gibbings raised an eyebrow at the President.

“Oh…” Biden cocked his head funny, before focusing back on his game of Mario Kart. “That explains all the phone calls I got today.”

Deployment of the new devices at the Alamo aside, many Americans on both sides of the aisle have shown approval of the new policy of storing kids as computer information inside small spherical devices of dubious technology rather than keep them in what were called during Trump’s presidency “cages” but which are now being called “migrant facilities”. However, several prominent voices, both Democrat and Republic alike, have been vocal in their criticism of the new policy.

“Using Pokéballs to corral immigrating children without also giving them at least a $24 minimum wage while in the Pokéballs is a compromise, a deep one.” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shortly before the printing of this article. “I am utterly embarrassed we are even having this conversation about storing children in computerized devices based on Nintendo video games without at least a $24 minimum wage for them also being discussed. Also, I was nearly killed by a Pokéball thrown at me by Ted Cruz last week, so, frankly, I’m not big on supporting such Conservative-friendly technology to begin with.”

“You know good and well I was in Cancun last week.” Ted Cruz replied in a quick social media livestream to Ocasio-Cortez. “My wife said, ‘Ted, it’s your turn to take the trash out tonight, isn’t it?’ and, bam, before she knew it, Cancun. I flew back later that night, but, when I got home, the temperature was below 100, which is very low for Texas, so I hopped right back on my private jet, and flew down to Mexico again. I’d probably be down there right now, honestly, but I stopped in San Antonio to spend some time admiring how beautiful the Alamo is this time of year. Wait, what is that strange man throwing at me? Some kind of… red and white baseball?”

After that, Ted Cruz’s feed cut out.

Despite objections from some on both sides about his Pokéball policy, President Biden is moving forward with immediate implementation of the sweeping changes, equipping every Border Patrol agent and some police officers named Jenny with a full belt of Pokéballs to be used to contain those that would otherwise be thrown into “migrant facilities”.

Those already in facilities are being given the option to stay in their current lodgings, or move into a Pokéball. Sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” have revealed, however, that most have chosen to abandon reality for Pokéballs after their TVs that previously played “The Apprentice” on loop have been switched to playing The CW’s “Batwoman” instead.

[SATIRE] “Justice League” Movie News! – HBO Max Release of “Snyder Cut” to Be Joined by New “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”

[March 1, 2021]

New York City, New York – As many fans of DC universe superheroes like Superman, Batman, and the Flash wait for the upcoming release of the “Snyder Cut” of 2017’s DCEU “Justice League” movie, which is scheduled to be released on WarnerMedia’s “HBO Max” streaming service on March 18th, Jason Kilar, CEO of WarnerMedia has announced another new cut of “Justice League” that will also debut on March 18th alongside the Snyder Cut – the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”.

“Many fans of the DCEU feel that the original cut of 2017’s ‘Justice League’ movie simply did not address the Justice League heroes’ love of America’s favorite Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover snacks.” Mr. Kilar explained in a small press briefing this morning outside WarnerMedia’s headquarters in New York. “This cut of the movie, which features many new scenes of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, the Flash, and even Cyborg stopping to catch a breath in the middle of big action scenes to enjoy a bag of their favorite salty pretzel bites, will remedy that obvious mistake.”

When asked how he thought the new movie iteration would stand up to the long awaited ‘Snyder Cut’, Mr. Kilar held his ground.

“Sure, the ‘Snyder Cut’ may show a ‘better’ version of the painfully average ‘Justice League’ movie in a form that long-time fans of DC Comics superheroes will find satisfying,” the CEO conceded, before moving on to his bigger point. “But what is more satisfying than a bag of Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover? Nothing. Frankly, I’m surprised my bosses still want to release the almost pretzel-less ‘Snyder Cut’ of the movie at all, knowing it’s going up against this bad boy.”

Asked if there would be any other changes to the movie other than the inclusion of scenes showing superheroes eating pretzels, Mr. Kilar smiled and happily elaborated.

“Yes, you know that thing that Lex Luthor did in ‘Batman v. Superman’ where he kept eating Jolly Ranchers in the weirdest possible way while making squeaky noises?” the CEO explained giddily to the slightly skeptical reporters gathered before him. “Well, we’ve done some re-editing and a full voice over re-recording of Flash’s lines so now that’s literally ALL he does. For the whole movie. He’s like Lex Luthor 2.0, except… well, we’ve added Lex Luthor back in to the movie, too.”

“Also,” Mr. Kilar continued. “Since ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ broke canon by having Wonder Woman be a superhero in the 80’s despite us originally saying in the DCEU that she disappeared from society after the events of the first Wonder Woman movie, we’re going to add in a scene later in the movie where Gal Gadot comes out and says ‘Remember what I said about not being Wonder Woman anymore since WWI? I was just kidding.’ I know. Brilliant, right?”

“Oh, oh, oh… and there’s this one more thing! This is a big one!” the WarnerMedia CEO continued, as freaked out reporters started gradually walking away from the press conference hoping Mr. Kilar wouldn’t notice. “Remember how Steppenwolf had like no personality in the original movie other than ‘generic CGI villain’? Well, now he’s going to be a pro video gamer who plays Overwatch. And instead of these box things he’s looking for being ‘Mother Cubes’ or whatever, they’re going to be special seasonal Loot Boxes redeemable in Overwatch. See? Now he has a clear motive for all the bad guy stuff he does in the movie!”

Following the WarnerMedia press conference with CEO Jason Kilar, Zach Snyder himself was asked for comment by senior reporter, Michael Hamden, of CBC News, to whom he gave a few thoughts on the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut” being added to HBO Max on March 18th alongside his own “Snyder Cut”.

“All is darkness. Who are we, like gods, to choose what is life over what is death? Insert slow motion fight scene. Now, have Batman kill like five people.” Zach Snyder whispered in a hushed tone to Mr. Hamden, looking around wildly as if other people were in the room, but it was only Snyder and Hamden. “Excuse me, now, I have to go rip off The Flash’s mask so I can reveal his identity to the world. Please enjoy the ‘Snyder Cut’ of that one not terrible movie I made. Bring popcorn, though, because it’s five hours long.”

In a final comment from WarnerMedia, Mr. Kilar tweeted that subscription numbers for HBO Max have more than tripled since the announcement of the “Snyder Cut” and the “Snyder’s Pretzel of Hanover Cut” were made. “The Eye of Zatara” reached out to all five subscribers of HBO Max from before those announcements and confirmed, bandwidth for the service has been heavily strained since the number of subscribers recently leaped from five to something like sixteen or seventeen. Eight of these new subscribers, however, have sworn to burn every streaming device in their house with fire should the “Snyder Cut” of “Justice League” be anything like “Wonder Woman 1984” in quality. (Or “Tom & Jerry”.)

DISCLAIMER: “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover” is not currently affiliated in any way with “The Eye of Zatara”, although we would like them to be. If someone at this or any other pretzel company would like to join “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans as one of our sponsors, please send the usual fifty-five cents and an expired Burger King coupon in an envelope to an address we will provide to you upon receipt of our first bag of discounted Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover, and we will be in contact with you shortly to confirm our sponsorship. That is all.

(If this becomes a YouTube video, insert ad for Displate, Raycon, or Raid: Shadow Legends here… Maybe SurfShark?)

[SATIRE] Emperor Palpatine Faces Backlash for Misreporting Alderaan “Weapons Test” Deaths of 2,000,000,000 as “0”

[February 28, 2021]

Imperial City, Coruscant – Tyrannical dictator of the multi-planetary Galactic Empire, Sheev “Darth Sidious” Palpatine, has come under fire by galactic news services after reports came to light that he had miscounted the number of deaths that resulted on the planet Alderaan from an “accidental weapons test” of the Empire’s new “emergency self-defense weapon”, the “Death Star”, from an estimated 0 deaths as originally reported by the Empire last year, to an estimated 2,000,000,000 deaths as revealed by new reports early last week.

“It was an honest miscalculation,” the Emperor explained in a press conference held Friday afternoon from a dark-lit room filled with white armored Stormtroopers pointing laser rifles at the head of the gathered reporters. “Surely, you cannot fault an old man for a simple miscalculation…”

The Emperor smiled beneath his dark hood as but a single intrepid reporter, Michael Hamden-Skywalker, of Space CBC News, shakely rose his hand to ask the undisputed sovereign ruler of galactic space a question about the misreported numbers. The Emperor tried to force the reporter’s hand down with a tug from the Dark Side of the Force, but Hamden-Skywalker’s high midichlorian count allowed him to resist the simple manipulation.

“Yes, my child? What would you like to ask me?” the Emperor’s eyes glowed a fiery yellow as he locked eyes with the rebellious young journalist.

“Yes, my Emperor-ship, I, um… Well, in addition to new reports showing that, in stark contradiction to your previous claims, billions upon billions of people died in the ‘weapons test’ of the ‘self-defense weapon’ you decided to name the ‘Death Star’ for some reason, I have also heard that the Death Star itself has now unexplainably exploded, resulting in another 1,148,309 fatalies, and the loss of Grand Moff Tarkin, one of the highest ranking commanders in the Imperial Fleet. Is there any truth to these rumors, Lord Palpatine?”

The Emperor wrung his hands and frowned. Michael Hamden-Skywalker continued.

“Also, reports have come out from some of the female staff that serve with you in the Imperial Palace that you have been sexually harassing them, asking them to play ‘Strip Sabacc’ and asking if they’ve ever been involved with ‘astronomically older men’. Do you have a comment in response to these allegations?”

“These are not the questions you wish to ask me…” the Emperor whispered while making a strange hand-swiping gesture with the gnarled, snow-white skin of his right claw of a hand. “These are not the rumors you have heard about me. I am doing an excellent job of leading the Galactic Empire, and I am a perfect gentlemen with all of the staff in the Palace.”

“Princess Leia Organa, formerly of the Planet Alderaan that we have mysteriously lost contact with after your weapons test, reports that you have been repeatedly texting her ‘The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.’ with strange pictures of yourself attached.” Hamden-Skywalker continued, unphased by the Emperor’s Jedi mind trick. “And, even Darth Vader, your second-in-command of the Empire, has come out and called you a ‘Bully’, saying you should be stripped of your Imperial powers. Are you afraid of facing a recall from the citizens of the Empire like Governor Sauron of Middle-California?”

“Oh, look, the Rebel Alliance has broken into my press conference and attacked my favorite reporter from Space CBC News with some kind of terrible lightning weapon…” the Emperor lamented loudly as all of the reporters around the clueless Michael Hamden-Skywalker suddenly scattered. “It is such a shame that no one got to hear any of the great questions he had in mind to ask me when I invited him to this press conference today. Truly a great loss for the Empire.”

“I don’t…” Hamden-Skywalker stammered out a confused answer before the first arcs of Force Lightning made everything clear to him. “Wait, no! Don’t tase me, Bro! Gegegegegegegegegege… I HOPE THEY BRING YOU BACK IN ANOTHER STAR WARS SEQUEL MOVIE!”

Despite the disappearance of most of the reporters involved in the Emperor’s press briefing on Friday, the galactic media continued to press harder and harder against the Emperor regarding the various allegations accumulating against him, forcing him to finally give a public statement on the matter to media outlets over the weekend.

“You think I am evil? If you strike me down, you will face something more powerful than you can possibly imagine!” the Emperor hissed threateningly in a brief interview with sympathetic press on NIR, National Imperial Radio, this Sunday evening. “If I go, the Walt Disney Corporation will take over the Galactic Empire in my stead. Then, you shall see the face of true evil!”

Reporters were sent late Sunday evening to the Walt Disney Corporation to request a comment on the remarks made by Emperor Palpatine a few hours earlier, but they have not returned. Rumors suggest they were forcibly made into characters for new Star Wars “The High Republic” novels, and then laughed out of existence due to their poor designs. Michael Hamden-Skywalker’s belongings were found early this morning by Imperial scouts on Tatooine, scarred with lightning and scattered near the edge of a Sarlacc Pit.

In other news, Emperor Palpatine has won an Emmy Award for his charming, reassuring banter with the public during the terrible “Hoth Offensive” instigated by the Rebel Alliance on a distant snow planet.

[SATIRE] Justice League Recommends Superheroes “Double Mask” to Better Protect Their Secret Identities

[February 24, 2021]

Hall of Justice, Washington, D.C. – The superhero organization, Justice League of America, consisting of legendary stalwart defenders of the world such as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, has issued new recommendations to ground level superheroes on the streets of America and beyond – specifically, that when going into action, they “double mask” to better protect their secret identities from supervillains trying to rip off their capes and cowls to find out who they are.

“We’ve lost some good heroes lately…” Batman recounted to reporters gathered at the small Justice League press conference on their new “double mask” initiative. “Just last month, the Joker ripped Nightwing’s mask right off his face, snapped a picture of him with a cell phone, and posted it right to Instagram before anyone could stop him. If only he’d listened to me about wearing a second mask… he’d still be out there passive aggressively fighting crime alongside me sometimes.”

“I didn’t realize it when I went on the prowl, but one of the strings on my mask was a little frayed.” The Green Arrow explained, in a social media post supporting the new double mask recommendation, “There I was, fighting my archnemesis, Zach Snyder, (“The Director”), when there’s this… strong breeze out of nowhere, and my mask goes flying across the street into a subway entrance. Good thing I’m CW version Green Arrow, and all of my friends and enemies already know my secret identity anyway.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about this whole double mask thing, guys.” the Flash chimed in, while trying to clean some blood off the side of his trademark red and yellow costume. “I mean, I rush around town at approximately 90-150 miles per hour, and it’s hard enough to see through this mask/hood thing I’ve got going on at that speed. I tried wearing a second mask the other day while cruisin’ around town on patrol, and… I kind of… crashed into a bunch of things. A BUNCH of things. I think I may have killed a man…”

“Come on, it’s not that hard to see in two masks.” Superman replied, having overheard Flash’s remarks with his super hearing and flown over to join the conversation faster than a speeding bullet.

“Says the guy who doesn’t wear any masks.” the Flash rolled his eyes.

“I am confused. I don’t wear a ‘mask’, per se. Should I wear a double tiara instead?” Wonder Woman chimed in, having made herself invisible to eavesdrop on the conversation, since making things invisible is apparently now one of her powers. “I’m certainly not wearing a regular mask combined with my tiara. I can’t breathe in those things.”

Despite some strong objections to the new policy, many superheroes affiliated with the Justice League have begun alterations to their costume to comply with the new “double mask” recommendation. Others have begun testing a new “secret identity vaccine” that injects some of the Martian Manhunter’s shapeshifting cells into the face of a superhero to let them temporarily alter their appearance in the event that their mask is removed.

Few, however, have noted the strange hand of a powerful cosmic entity who calls himself “Dr. Forcey” in the creation of these new recommendations, one whose relentlessly controlling grip on the superhero industry is not to be trifled with by mortal men, and whose intellect surpasses all imagination. He can do no wrong. His superpower? “Fact-checking” those who oppose his recommendations on social media, making them appear like crackpot lunatics, ostracizing them from all public discourse until they are completely ignored by society, shunned and abandoned even by the heroes and institutions created to protect them. This is all for their own good, however, we have been assured.

Of the major Justice League of America superheroes, only Aquaman was unavailable for comment at this time on the new “double mask” initiative. It is rumored this is because he is in an inpatient alcohol abuse rehabilitation center, after becoming addicted while trying to be “edgy”, a consequence of his addition to the DC Extended Universe movies. Green Lantern was, however, available for comment, but would only say to one lone reporter, “No, I ain’t having any part of this mess. You all figure it out. It’s way too stupid on both sides right now.” Supergirl and Hawkgirl agreed.

[SATIRE] Biden to Keep “Space Force”, Also Announces “MySpace Force” to Guard Americans Against “AOL Chat Rooms”

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen. “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say? Horse? Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst? No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely. “Ok, listen, People, we gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids. To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again? Where am I? Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember. To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube. It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time. “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’? Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly. “That sounds like a great idea! Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again! My leg! You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically. “Somebody, call Corn Pop! I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true. That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it. What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he? We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces. That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country. I could believe that. But his Vice President won’t let him. So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila. “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’ How can we make Oceania great again? By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’ And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too! Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down. They’re winners. Like me. Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me. I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”. Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.

[SATIRE] New PS5 Announced with Features for Most Loyal Customers – Playstation 5 “Scalper’s Edition”

[February 17, 2020]

San Meteo, California – In an unexpected announcement today, Sony Interactive Entertainment (SIE) President Jim Ryan revealed to reporters that the newest in their popular line of video console devices, the PlayStation 5, which was first made available to the public starting November 12th of last year, already has a new streamlined and upgraded version coming out that will be releasing to the public in very limited quantities starting as soon as the end of this month.

“We here at Sony Interactive Entertainment try to be as responsive as possible to our customers’ wishes,” Mr. Ryan explained to the reporters gathered at his San Meteo Headquarters earlier this afternoon, “So, we have decided to thank these very same customers by releasing a new version of the PlayStation 5 that is specifically tailored to the needs of those who have made our new product launch such a success. As a result, the PS5-SE, or PlayStation 5 ‘Scalper’s Edition’, will be available for purchase for exactly five minutes and only for exactly five minutes on every major commercial store in the country’s website on a date to be announced to select persons on the Internet later this month.”

“The Scalper’s Edition will offer a variety of features that will help it to stand out against its normal Playstation 5 counterparts, features specifically suggested to us by the bots that have formed the bulk of Playstation 5 buyers.” Mr. Ryan continued, “This will include the ability to list itself on Craig’s List and/or Ebay with a single touch of a button on the side of the console, an official legal release from SIE absolving the purchaser of any and all legal responsibility for re-selling the PS5-SE at whatever marked up price that they wish, a box for the PS5-SE that looks like another PS5-SE and can be sold to gullible parents online who don’t know better, and a series of special ‘Lockdown’ codes that will allow the original purchaser to shut down the PS5-SE console at any given time from anywhere in the world allowing them to extort additional money from anyone they sell it to whenever they want for as long as the console is in someone else’s possession.”

“We believe these features will help the Playstation 5 to truly stand out from his major competiton, the X-Box Series X, which has not cornered as much of the scalper market as our console, and will struggle all the more to keep up with our scalper sales once these new features are added to our base PS5 product.” Mr. Ryan concluded.

Reporters were elated with the new announcement from Mr. Ryan, although most of them has no idea what a video game console was or how it worked, and immediately asked if the SIE President would take down their email addresses to notify them personally when the PS5-SE becomes available, hoping to purchase one for their children and grandchildren who were unable to obtain regular versions of the PlayStation 5 last November.

“Sure, I’ll take your email addresses.” Mr. Ryan nodded enthusiastically. “But I will definitely make sure the consoles go on sale for a while before I actually notify you, so, by the time you receive an update from me to go and buy one, they will all be in the hands of our target customer base: bot-using internet scalpers.”

Microsoft has reportedly responded to this announcement by releasing a new X-Box version of their own, the X-Box Series XRSX-X, which is exactly like the regular X-Box Series X, except it has more letters branded on the outside of the console, and actually does work as a mini-fridge when not running games.