Television – Page 2 – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Weekly Shonen Jump Announces “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” for January of 2017

(Original Post: December 8, 2016)

In an exciting move meant to reinvigorate their fan base after the incredibly disappointing final chapters of “Bleach” earlier this year, “Weekly Shonen Jump” magazine spokesman Akira Natsuhara announced today the return of one of its most beloved franchises in form of “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!”, a continuation of the original “Rurouni Kenshin” storyline concluded by Nobuhiro Watsuki well over a decade ago in which main character, Kenshin Himora, awakens the power of the “Super Battosai God” inside him to battle against a litany of new, supernatural villains that take the form of deities in the Rurouni Kenshin universe far above the abilities and skills of the humans Kenshin had battled up to this point as the legendary “Battosai the Manslayer”.

Written by Nobuhiro Watsuki himself, the annoucement of “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” has quickly become one of the biggest trending topics on popular anime news sites. Even so, not all reaction to it has been positive. Akira Toriyama, artist and writer of the classic Shonen Jump manga “Dragon Ball Z” tweeted yesterday that he believes “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” to be a direct plagiarism of his new Dragon Ball series, “Dragon Ball Super”, and will henceforth be changing the name of the series to “Dragon Ball Super Duper” in order to avoid any confusion with Watsuki’s “imitation”. Watsuki shot back in protest several hours later, tweeting that he doesn’t see how his idea for “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” can be considered a ripoff of Toriyama’s “Dragon Ball Super” when “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” has the word “Super” offset by a hyphen on one side and exclamation point on the other, while Toriyama’s “Dragon Ball Super” just has the word Super “sitting out there in the open without any real emphasis on it at all”.

Since then, rumors have begun to circulate about a supposed new manga by Yoshihiro Togashi entitled “Yu Yu Hakusho – Ultra!!!” and a possible new series by Hideaki Anno named “Super Neon Genesis Evangelion Mega :)!!!!!!!” Yoshihiro Togashi could not be reached for comment about his new work as he was busy taking his sweet time with a new chapter of “Hunter x Hunter”, but Hideaki Anno did respond to inquiries about “Super Neon Genesis Evangelion Mega :)!!!!!!”, but only by quoting random passages from a Jewish Torah, mumbling something nonsensical about Sigmund Freud, and alluding to his past childhood traumas and fears. None of the bloggers polled about his response could give a clear answer as to what it meant. New logos for “Dragon Ball Super” have surfaced, as well, now calling the series “Super Dragon Ball Super Duper Ultra – Mega – Deluxe Ultimate Premium Alpha Edition!!! XoXoXoXoXoX!!!!!!!!!!”, the new graphics supposedly from an ever increasingly irritated Akira Toriyama, who will now only refer to Nobuhiro Watsuki by the nickname of “Captain Ginyu”, saying Watsuki has “stolen the body of [my] work for his gain, and left me helpless and injured”.

Multiple eyewitnesses close to Toriyama have reported significant signs of stress physically visible on his body, including a sickly reddish hue present in his hair and eyes, and a possible lapse into alcoholism as he walks around asking people for “Beers” while slurring the word as “Beerus”. Alcoholism may also be a cause of diuresis in Toriyama according to reports of him talking about needing to “Whis”. After hearing these disturbing accounts, many fellow manga artists have jumped in to show their love and support for Akira Toriyama, and his impressive body of work. Natsuki Takaya sent a Fruits Basket to Toriyama to boost his general health through better nutrition, while Tite Kubo sent him Bleach specifically to counteract the reported change in hair color. Eiichiro Oda apparently put together an entire care package of food and sweets to cheer up the frustrated Toriyama, but left it in some forgotten, undisclosed location, only able to remember that the care package is somewhere in his home, unopened and in One Piece. Hiro Mashima has openly dismissed all reports of Akira Toriyama’s hair changing color as a Fairy Tail, but says he wishes his fellow manga artist well.

Despite pushback from Akira Toriyama, “Weekly Shonen Jump” magazine plans to continue pushing forward with a January 2017 time table for the beginning of “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!”‘s serialization. Talks of an anime version of the manga are already in the works, and Nobuhiro Watsuki says he cannot be more pleased with the overwhelming fan support of his new chapter in the “Rurouni Kenshin” franchise. “I thought I was going to get some backlash, I really did, when I announced that not only would Kenshin and his friends be returning, but they’d be fighting alien deities from other planets with supernatural powers that made them glow like different colors of the rainbow. Then, I watched a couple episodes of Gin Tama, and, suddenly, my unusual premise felt normal again.”

Hideaki Sorachi, the creator of “Gin Tama”, responded to this comment by announcing Gintoki Sakata (the name of his manga’s main character) would permanently die in the next chapter of “Gin Tama”, only for the next chapter to be a short story about the actual Gintoki Sakata adopting a goldfish, naming it after himself, and that goldfish dying of neglect at the end of the chapter, resulting in a “Gintoki Sakata” dying, as promised. Gin Tama fans polled by the “Eye of Zatara” simply shook their head and mumbled something about being trolled.

[SATIRE] Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review]

(Original Post: November 29, 2016)

While our usual contributor, “The Gatekeeper”, takes a much needed birthday vacation this week, I received an unusual email at our general “Eye of Zatara” business address from a friend of his named Donovan Savage who writes for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine based out of Luxingfort, KY. Apparently, he bought a DVD over the weekend, and reviewed a movie he insists upon calling “Avengers: Age of Voltron” which no one at his magazine will publish – most likely since the movie came out in May of 2015. On the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper via instant messenger, however, I have decided to post his review here on “The Eye of Zatara” for your perusal. Be forewarned, though, this Donovan Savage review doesn’t make much more sense than the usual dissociative mutterings of our dear Gatekeeper…

“Avengers: Age of Voltron”
[A Belated Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

Last Friday, I was lounging in my luxurious, pleather Slothboy recliner in my exquisite studio apartment when I decided to slum it with the less privileged by enjoying a DVD lent to me by a less fortunate colleague in the writing business, another one of those incessant Marvel movies that goes by the name of “Avengers: Age of Voltron”. After refilling my wine glass with a chilled gentlemanly mixture of 2% cow’s milk and genuine Hershey’s chocolate syrup ordered directly from the Hershey plant in Pennsylvania, I sat back as the familiar, rectangular red and white logo of the pretentious Marvel comic book company scrolled across my massive 30″ flatscreen television and the almighty “Avengers” immediately swung into action fighting some sort of Germans who had appeared to have stolen Queen Elizabeth’s glowing blue crystal scepter or something like that. I’m not sure, I don’t really understand the politics of this Marvel universe. I think one of the antagonists’ names was “Libra” or “Zebra” or something. “Hydra” maybe. No, that can’t be right. Greek mythology is far beyond the cognitive awareness of those nerdy comic book types at Marvel. We’ll just stick with “Zebra” for now. That seems to be a little more on their level.

Anyway, and Spoiler Alert for anyone who hasn’t seen this movie yet, it turns out the Germans had kidnapped some Russian kids and made them into copies of characters from the Marvel “X-Man” universe using the Queen’s royal powers. Fortunately, Ironing Man, Brigadier General America, Black Willow, the Hunk, Eagle Eye, and Ben-Hur (?), or, referring to them by their real names, Lance, Keith, Princess Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Sven, overpower the Germans and hold off the Russians, preventing a repeat of World War II, but, rather than returning Queen Elizabeth’s scepter to her, use it to make a giant fighting robot composed of five smaller lion-shaped robots given life by some sort of glowing MacGuffin Stone in the heart of the Queen’s staff. Without the teamwork and cooperation of five pilots controlling the fighting robot from the inside, however, it goes berserk, and teams up with the Russians to randomly attack things.

Furious at Lance/Ironing Man for making such a decision without consulting his team leader Keith, the Avengers begin to fight and argue amongst themselves, which proves all the more disastrous after Voltron hijacks the planet Arus and plans to drop it, castle and all, directly on the earth, perhaps directed to do so by King Zarkon whom we see briefly after the credits putting on some sort of weird Fallout 4 Power Fist. Fortunately, the Avengers recover the original MacGuffin Stone from within Queen Elizabeth’s scepter, and use it to create a new Voltron with which to battle the now evil Voltron fighting on behalf of Planet Doom. Eliciting the help of the same Russians who previously had attempted to kill them, as well as back-up support from the Highwind from Final Fantasy VII piloted by a slimmer interpretation of Barrett Wallace portrayed by Mace Windu from Star Wars, this new seven man Voltron, “Vision Voltron”, I believe they called it, allows the Avengers to defeat the now outdated five man Voltron created by Lance/Ironing Man earlier, saving the day, although a Russian randomly gets killed for some reason at the end. They then use Voltron’s Lion Torches to incinerate the entire planet Arus before it hits Earth, which seems like overkill, but the Highwind evacuated everyone first, with the aid of some Golden Chocobos, I believe, so to each his own.

Overall, the movie was quite interesting, with a lot of well-executed action scenes, and a variety of unique combat powers for each member of the “Avengers”/Voltron Force that were satisfying to behold, from Ironing Man’s Haggarium Armor and assorted Fallout energy weapons to Eagle Eye’s cosplay replica of the Green Arrow’s bow to Brigadier General America’s… well, ok, so Brigadier General America’s flag-painted hubcap/frisbee golf disc wasn’t all that interesting, but most of the rest of the characters in “Age of Voltron” had extremely unique and complicated abilities that made action scenes feel kinetic and inventive, even while fighting an endless army of Baby Evil Voltrons controlled by the original Voltron… perhaps they were meant to be Robeasts???

I was excited by the new take on the Voltron Force material. It has been some time since I saw something new and interesting come out of the Beast King GoLion franchise’s American counterparts, perhaps excluding the new Voltron series on Netflix, as I do not watch “streaming” television shows and movies like an uncivilized ape. Netflix is the “buffet” of the entertainment world. True gentlemen watch television live in HD, or not at all, and movies in theaters, and at home only in occasion to remind themselves of their aristocracy, as I am doing here, while redeeming myself from my sin through brilliant intellectual criticism. I fear others of my standing in the community will look down on me for watching a DVD even for this reason, however, such is my status in the heirarchy of Luxingfort, KY.

To conclude, if I had to rate on a commoner’s scale of 1 to 10, and, oh, how I hate such a scale, the quality of the Avengers: Age of Voltron movie, I would like to give it a strong 8.5, perhaps a 9, I am a little annoyed at the moment after spilling some of my chocolate milk on the carpet while typing up this review. Chocolate syrup straight from Hershey, PA isn’t cheap, you know, and neither is carpet cleaning, as I can’t be bothered to attempt the job myself. I am disappointed that, once again, Marvel has been excluding my beloved Yoohoo beverages from their screenplays, but such has been the case ever since I watched “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” I am sure, and such will continue to be the case long into the future with that ridiculous “Sam Lee” at the head of Marvel. The man must be drunk on his success by now, and I feel I will have to keep harping on my point about Yoohoos until Mr. Lee is dragged out of the luxurious party of his fortune to address them. Even still, he has made a great movie here today in the form of “Avengers: Age of Voltron” and I recommend everyone of you who is not as privileged as myself to purchase a copy of its DVD form from your local distributor of such trivial baubles, and enjoy watching it on your black-and-white television box or whatever it is common people use to watch films on at home these days. Is Blockbuster still a thing? No? No matter, I’m sure you shabby folk can figure it out if you’re motivated enough. Until next time, this is Donovan Savage from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine reminding you that “Milk is for boys. Chocolate milk is for men.” Farewell, my broad and adoring audience of odd psuedointellectual miscreants.

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit personally insulting editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His recent articles include “Taking the Stairs – The Worst Part of Fire Drills” and “Why Won’t Kelsey Grammar Return My Emails? – A Personal Anecdote”. Yes, we know he’s crazy. Please don’t send him angry letters. It just encourages him.

[SATIRE] Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster

(Original Post: October 11, 2016)

The series premieres of the CW’s line-up of DC Comics-based shows has brought joy to many, but anger to others, as spoilers from DC-TV-Spoilers.Com about the main antagonists for Season 3 of The Flash and Season 5 of Arrow have been quickly revealed as untrue, leading many followers of that website to abandon the site, and others redirected to it by other news blogs, including the Eye of Zatara, to also question those referencing and linking to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s information. The editor of that website holds firm to his sources, however, and is claiming that the creation of an alternate timeline is responsible for his supposed misinformation.

“I’m not really sure what happened, but the information I was given was completely accurate at the time I posted it to my blog. I wouldn’t have typed it up otherwise.” the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, known only to the Internet community as “Kal-AOL”, explains in a special statement at the top of his news blog. “Clearly, some sort of Speedster has altered the timeline, and created a new reality in which Usain Bolt is not the primary antagonist for Season 3 of The Flash, and director Zach Synder is not the Green Arrow’s adversary in Season 5 of Arrow. I’m honestly not sure how this is even possible, but it is the only explanation I can offer.”

Despite the clear impossibility of what Kal-AOL is saying, other bloggers have jumped to his defense, pointing out other inconsistencies with our current interpretation of reality that seems to align with the theory that we are living in an alternate version of the present created by Speedster intervention in the past.

“Has anyone questioning Kal-AOL’s theory even seen Season 4 of Arrow?” fellow Arrow/Flash universe blogger, “Marvin Manhunter”, wrote in an article today on his news blog, “DC Comix Rox”. “If temporal manipulation was not involved in the making of our current reality, how could a fifth season of Arrow even be made as bad as Season 4 was? Did you see the choreography? Black Canary’s primary tactic in battle was to run in a straight line at anyone shooting an automatic weapon at her, and, somehow, not die five minutes into the first episode. Don’t get me started on the ‘shoot first’ enemies only failing to go for the kill whenever a main character is surrounded, at which point, they suddenly hold back their fire. Or the enemies basically standing still any time a weaponless main character confronted them, offering absolutely no resistance to someone very slowly and awkwardly punching them, even when that character was outnumbered. I hope whatever Speedster selfishly ruined the original choreography for Season 4 gets eaten by a time wraith for it. I really do.”

“And what’s with Hulu not getting CW stuff anymore?” blogger “Flash Ketchum from Earth 2 Pallet Town” wrote on his news blog, “All’s Wells That Ends Thon”, “I definitely remember Hulu getting CW stuff in the original timeline. This is some parallel universe, multiversal tachyon bullcrap right here, that’s what this is.”

On non-DC-related news blogs, the current U.S. President race between Republican Party candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton has also been cited as compelling evidence of possible temporal tampering.

“The real question you should be asking,” Kal-AOL continued in the original statement on this subject posted late last week to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, “is that if we are really living in an alternate timeline, what can we do to return things back to the way they are supposed to be?”

After several minutes of discussion on his own personal theories on time travel, mostly a mix of Back to the Future and Hot Tub Time Machine, Kal-AOL finally gave the best answer he could to the problem of how to resolve the possible temporal conflict believed to be directly affecting all of reality around us.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Kal-AOL shrugged, using stage directions to note his shrug in the otherwise article-formatted prose of his most recent blog post. “And, even if we did fix the timeline, the unfathomable awesome that is Luke Cage might turn out the worse for it. Whatever your stance on fixing Arrow Season 4, I think you’ll agree with me that’s a risk our world just can’t afford to take. Forget Donald and Hillary… Luke Cage 2016!”

Since the original posting of this article to the Eye of Zatara, a “Luke Cage” section has been added to Kal-AOL’s blog, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, much to the protest of his primary DC-based readership – at least, until they watched their first episode of the Netflix Original Series and immediately celebrated along with the rest of us. Rumors have also begun to circulate that Libertarian Party candidate for U.S. President, Gary Johnson, has replaced his current running mate with the actor from Luke Cage in an attempt to bolster his chances in the election. It is now estimated he will receive a 0.02% share of the popular vote, up 400% from previous vote estimates of 0.005% before including Luke Cage in his platform.

[SATIRE] “Star Trek: Discovery” Delayed Until May After Executive Producer Insulted by High Schooler

(Original Post: September 15, 2016)

CBS announced today the delay of their upcoming Star Trek prequel series, “Star Trek: Discovery”, after Executive Producer Bryan Fuller suddenly disappeared during a shoot last week at Pinewood Toronto Studios, pushing the series’ release date from January 2017 to sometime in May. While CBS has officially declined to comment on the reason for the delay, multiple sources closest to the project have disclosed the details behind Mr. Fuller’s disappearance, and their speculation on the future of the new Star Trek series.

“It was the darndest thing,” Creative Producer Nicholas Meyer explained to popular Star Trek blog “The Wrath of .Com” shortly after CBS’s announcement. “There we were, filming the third episode for the season, and some overgrown high school kid in a tanktop and jeans wandered into the set, took one look at the Andorian-dressed actors conversing with Bryan at the time, and shouted repeatedly, at the top of his lungs, ‘HOLY CRAP, WHAT A NERD!!!”

“He broke down crying right then and there in the middle of the set.” Rod Roddenberry sighed, speaking to a reporter dressed like a male Seven of Nine while shaking his head. “He started muttering something about Joxton High School, and then just ran out of the room. Frankly, we haven’t seen him since. His family assures us he’s ok, but every time we go by his condo to check on him, all we hear is sobbing through the door, and he refuses to let us in.”

PR agents for Mr. Fuller, however, have denied that the delays in the release of “Star Trek: Discovery” have anything to do with their client, and most certainly are not the result of the 47 year old man being called a “nerd” by a roughly 17 year old bully. Neighbors of Mr. Fuller, however, interviewed by sources close to “The Eye of Zatara” have exposed startling new details which seem to confirm the accounts reported to Star Trek fan sites by Nicholas Meyer and Rod Roddenberry.

“When we first bought this condo, we almost never saw Mr. Fuller. It was a kind of running joke between me and my wife that he didn’t really exist,” popular local television anchor Samir Hakari reported to our totally legitimate sources earlier this morning. “Then, about a week ago, we suddenly heard the door of his condo slam, and then a lot of crying through the walls. We have excellent insulation here. I’ve never heard any of my neighbors through the walls before today. Now… my wife has actually rented a hotel room the last several nights because she hasn’t been able to stay the night in our room and get any sleep. I… I don’t blame her.”

“I heard the crying, as well,” another neighbor, Natasha Smith-Noranski, also confirmed to super reliable sources connected to “The Eye of Zatara”. “But that wasn’t actually the strangest thing. Every day for the last week since Bryan locked himself in his condo, some sort of strange, pimply jock type kid has slipped past the doorman for our condo building when he wasn’t looking, gone up to the second floor, and slid a note underneath Bryan’s door before slipping out the back staircase, and, then, a few minutes later, the crying suddenly gets louder from within the condo. Bryan’s always been a very kind and conscientious neighbor. I really hate to see this kind of thing happen to him… even if he really is a big nerd.”

“tlhIngan Hol vIjatlhbe’. ghu’vam mugh jIH internet lo’.” actor Michael Dorn added, after being spotted hanging around Mr. Fuller’s condo building dressed in full costume as his popular role of Lieutenant Worf from the “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” series. “I’m sorry. I was speaking my native tongue there for a moment. What I said in Klingon is ‘The actions of this 17 year old child are far from honorable. Executive Producer Fuller must regain his honor in glorious combat by confronting this tog with the edge of a blood-stained bat’leth.'”

Michael Dorn then cleared his throat.

“Maybe then he can take a look at these script ideas I’ve put together for a new series starring Worf I’ve been hanging around his condo trying to show him for months… I mean, uh, only THEN will he be able to reclaim his family honor, and rest his soul in the glory of Sto-vo-kor with the honored dead should the family of the 17 year old human COWARD attempt retribution!”

When asked by “The Wrath of .Com” if Mr. Fuller’s sudden sensitivity to bullying could potentially cause any further delays in the release of Star Trek: Discovery, especially if his bully should, for example, locate his Facebook or Twitter accounts and continue his harassment onto those fronts, Nicholas Meyer could not give a definitive answer.

“All I can say is I very much hope not. Bryan Fuller’s feelings may be hurt by being reminded of the harshness of his days in Joxton High School, but there are many, many Star Trek fans out there whose feelings would be hurt just as much or more should this project be cancelled or delayed any further.”

Nicholas Meyer smiled.

“And the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few.”

[SATIRE] Arrow Season Five’s Antagonist Has “Failed Everyone”

Overwhelmed by the hits to their blog after posting insider information about Flash Season 3, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com reached out to another confidential source earlier this week and obtained similar information about the upcoming Season 5 of Arrow, information which was posted in its entirety to the blog’s main page late last night, creating an even greater shock and buzz among the show’s still growing fanbase than the Flash posting.

“Season Five will attempt to bring Green Arrow into a larger DC Universe than ever before,” an unnamed, eye-patched informant with the code name “Deep Stroke” reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.com in posted information. “Seeking to unify the growing numbers of superheroes combating the rising tide of supervillains throughout the Flash/Arrow universe, Oliver Queen travels in the beginning of Season 5 to the cities of Gotham City and Metropolis to enlist the aid of two well-noted superheroes rumored to be operating out of those cities. When he gets there, however, things are not as he expected. Superman is dead, and Batman is in prison for branding and killing criminals instead of simply catching them and turning them over to the Gotham City Police as in the past. That’s when Green Arrow encounters the evil mastermind behind it all, the one responsible for destroying two of the greatest superheroes in the entire DC Universe – Zach Snyder.”

Known in the Flash/Arrow universe as “The Director”, Zach Snyder is an enemy with the ability to completely re-write everything that the Arrow believes in and stands for, something no villain before him has been able to do.

“Merlyn made Oliver question his past, and forced him to face an enemy with his same set of abilities, only greater. Mysel, I mean, Deathstroke made Oliver question his own ability to make a difference for good, while bringing the threats and danger of Lian Yu with him back to Starling City.” confidential informant Deep Stroke continued, speaking with the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com via Farcebook Messenger. “Ra’s al Ghul forced Oliver to confront his own darkness, and the potential inevitability of falling prey to that darkness. Damian Darhk tempted Oliver to return to the darkness, questioned the validity of his decision to remain in the light, and confronted the non-superpowered hero with magical powers the Green Arrow could barely understand much less equal with his mere physical prowess and arrows.”

“The Director” will apparently question Oliver Queen’s very identity itself, using a power called “Rewrite” to change everything about who the Green Arrow is in an instant, converting him from a hero of light back into the gritty darkness that clothed him in Season 1 and worse, an anti-hero willing to kill without second thought, even if the reason he was killing people made absolutely no sense.

“The Director” features other powers, as well, according to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s source, however, including the power to alter human perception, causing his opponents to engage in strange dream sequences that make them feel confused and disjointed when returning to normal reality, along with other strange perception-based gimmicks like causing opponents to feel they are moving in slow motion for “dramatic effect” to throw off their timing, and making opponents become overly emotional in response to certain hypnotically-planted keywords in their mind such as the name of their city, the name of their mother, etc..

In the end, Season Five will lead up to a massive battle between Team Arrow and “The Director”, beginning with Oliver Queen’s assertion that Zach Snyder “has failed EVERYONE.”

In addition to revealing this new information about Season Five, however, the spoiler from Deep Stroke to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com also shut down some rumors swirling around the Internet in regards to what some fans were expecting in the upcoming season of Arrow.

“I know there was a lot of talk that a multitude of other superheroes would make quick, unexpected, and frankly, unneeded, cameos in Season Five to establish the groundwork for a Flash/Arrow universe ‘Justice League’ as quickly as possible,” Deep Stroke explained, while staring at an old grainy photo of a young Japanese woman and softly crying to himself when he thought the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com wasn’t looking. “But, no, we’re not doing that. That’s stupid. Arrow is Arrow. What does this look like? A fan fiction?”

After revealing so much insider information about the upcoming seasons of both The Flash and Arrow, many dedicated fans of the DC-TV-Spoilers.Com blog asked if they would soon also be spoiling details about the upcoming season of closely linked new shows, “Supergirl” and “Legends of Tomorrow”, to which the editor of the Flash/Arrow universe blog responded, “What? No. What are those? Are you just making crap up to confuse me? Those things aren’t real.”

The editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com then banned the IP of the inquisitive site viewer for “trolling”.

Since the posting of this article, DC-TV-Spoilers has officially admitted to the existence of new DC universe television show “Supergirl”, but still continues to assert that “Legends of Tomorrow” is just the name of an old kids game show featuring a talking stone face named Olmec that asked the kids stupid questions. Attempts to ask them the identity of their confidential, eye-patched informant “Deep Stroke” have also gone unanswered.

[SATIRE] Flash Season 3 Antagonist Revealed – Usain Bolt!!!

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As comic book enthusiasts and casual fans of the series alike prepare themselves for the third season of the CW’s critically-acclaimed “The Flash” television series, anonymous leaks to Arrow/Flash fansite, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, have left many fans of the Scarlet Speedster feeling the Jitters.

Just as the first two seasons of The Flash revolved around a single primary antagonist, so, too, will Season 3 revolve around a single ultimate adversary for Barry Allen to overcome, but this rival speedster – the only remaining character in the DC multiverse still capable of matching Barry Allen’s velocity – is none other than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt.

“After watching him defeat Reverse Flash and Zoom, the writers of the show asked themselves – who the heck is there for Flash to fight now?” anonymous sources reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com. “Well, we were going to read this big stack of old comic books DC dropped off for us to review, then there was this big Blackout. While we were goofing off waiting for the Light to come back on, one of us brought up the Olympics, and that’s when it hit us – Usain Bolt!”

Appearing early in Season 3 under the moniker “Reverse Bolt”, Usain will appear in Flash canon as a former Olympian who, after falling into a contaminated green diving pool during a previous summer Olympic games, gained speed-based superpowers far beyond those of a normal human. A Multiplex of other “medal-humans”, as they will be called, encountered by “The Flash” in this season will feature similar origins related to the viridian-hued waters of the strange diving pool. Anonymous sources have already confirmed many single-episode Flash villains with names such as “Dur-Ant Man”, a basketball player with SuperSonic speed capable of shrinking using a non-Marvel-copyrighted shrink suit, “Mike Eel Freestyle”, an ace swimmer/amateur rap artist capable of generating an electric field while drinking under the influence, and “Venus De Vile-o”, a really evil Tennis player capable of creating exactly one almost identical clone of herself.

As filming went underway, some on the production team apparently questioned the direction that Season 3 was going, but their meltdown was silenced after an unnamed Everyman on the team uncovered some of the rejected ideas for antagonists thrown away by “The Flash” writers before accepting and pushing forward with the Usain Bolt idea.

“Speed Buggy.” another member of the film crew revealed to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s anonymous sources. “They were going to call him Room-a-Zoom-Zoom Zoom.”

“I think Speed Racer was in the mix, too.” he later added. “Pretty much everything everything animated or in a comic book with Speed in its name made it into the discussion at some point. There was even a plan to make an entire episode about Speedos. It was not a Golden day in the drawing room when they discussed that one.”

While it has been confirmed via multiple sources that Usain Bolt will not play himself in the upcoming Season Three of Flash, there are reports he will still appear in the show at some point.

“We’re thinking of making him the next Firestorm. We’ve had everyone else be Firestorm. Might as well throw him in there, too.”

While more than a few fans are objecting to the information revealed about “The Flash” Season Three by DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, they are not the only ones. Kevin Durant, Michael Phelps, and Venus Williams have already filed preliminary lawsuits, as has the entire International Olympics Committee and nation of Brazil in the World Court.

“Really? A contaminated GREEN diving pool in a Summer Olympic games physically affecting the bodies of those who swim in it?” Andre de Santos, Director of the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero, said to reporters early yesterday morning, while standing in front of an empty Olympics aquatics facility crisscrossed with yellow caution tape and signs reading “Caution” and “Biohazard” in Portuguese.

“Besides, a green liquid causing mutation is just crazy.” a large human-sized talking Turtle said from somewhere behind Mr. Santos while spinning a pair of Japanese nunchaku weapons. “But enough about that. Anybody know where I can order a Coast City pizza around here? I could Rilla-Go for one right now.”

[SATIRE] Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH

(Original Post: July 7, 2016)

In yet another shocking report revealed today by Tesla Motors concerning their experimental, self-driving “AutoPilot” system, officials in the small town of Hill Valley, California have confirmed the disappearance of one Martin J. McFly in what has been described as “a brilliant flash of otherworldly light leaving two tire tracks of fire extending forward on the road along the projected path of his vehicle”. Mr. McFly, a local delinquent with a history of assault convictions due to what several prosecutors have called a “hair trigger temper instantly ignited by the utterance of the common name for domesticed poultry”, had reportedly come across a Tesla AutoPilot system during a short-lived part time job at a mechanic’s shop, and, on a dare, installed the AutoPilot into a neighbor’s classic Delorean DMC-12 sedan before taking the then stolen vehicle on a brief, computer-guided joy ride.

Mr. McFly’s parents are grief-stricken about his disappearance just over a week ago today, but have refused to give up hope that their boy will someday return to them.

“I just know Marty’s still alive out there somewhere…” his mother, Mrs. McFly babbled, while stuffing her face with a handful of gravy-covered mashed potatoes from a popular fast food restaurant before washing the starchy appetizer down with a glass of cheap wine. “I got a post card from him the other day. Postmarked 1985. I don’t really understand that part, but the point is that my boy is still doing fine, living his life somewhere near… what appears to be a working clock tower, although the photo’s kind of grainy.”

“I’d say it was actually Hill Valley,” his mother added, “but our clock tower hasn’t worked in years.”

Reporters have attempted to interview the owner of the stolen Delorean, a local scientist and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, but our sources report that Hill Valley officials ended this line of investigation due to “Mr. Brown’s clearly declining mental state”.

“GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???” Mr. Brown screamed obliviously into our reporter’s face as she attempted to interview him earlier this morning concerning Mr. McFly’s sudden disappearance. “NO… NO… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. I CAN’T KNOW. ANY LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME COULD CAUSE A TEMPORAL PARADOX THAT THREATENS TO TEAR A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! OR WORSE, YOUR ADVISING ME OF THE PAST, COULD CAUSE OUR TIMELINE TO VEER OFF INTO AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE, WHERE THE ACTOR, RONALD REAGAN, IS ACTUALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND WHO KNOWS HOW THAT WOULD EFFECT THINGS? THIS ISN’T GOOD. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I’VE GOT TO GO BACK! DON’T YOU AGREE, EINSTEIN? I’VE GOT TO GO BACK NOW!”

“Um… Go where?” our reporter then asked nervously, reaching anxiously for the small can of mace hidden somewhere deep within her purse beneath a couple recently purchased CDs from a band called “The Starlighters”.

“WHAT? YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND? WHY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, OF COURSE!”

At this point, our reporter immediately terminated the interview, fearing for her safety as a result of Mr. Brown’s clearly aggitated and incoherent mental state, and running for the door as quickly as possible before driving off in one of our news vans also at ironically about 88 MPH.

Hill Valley officials say the search for Mr. McFly’s current whereabouts is ongoing, but advise the public not to automatically assume the Tesla AutoPilot system is to blame before the completion of their full investigation.

“It is clear that Delorean DMC-12s do not usually disappear into thin air in the middle of shopping mall parking lots while leaving nothing but a spinning ‘OUTATIME’ vanity plate and trails of sparks and flame on the ground behind them.” Local police chief James Strickland was quoted this morning during a formal press conference on the subject. “Nonetheless, we have learned that Mr. McFly had recently gotten involved in betting on horse races, so we are continuing to investigate this and other angles until Mr. McFly’s whereabouts can, at last, be confirmed.”

“He may also be operating under the alias of ‘Calvin Klein’.” Chief Strickland later added.

When a reporter from BBC News asked if there were any updates on a similar case involving a Tesla AutoPilot system being installed in 1960s London police box held by a collector in Hill Valley before the makeshift transportation device also disappeared without a trace. Mr. Strickland’s only reply was that “The Master” would not allow him to speak on the topic any further. The press conference was then abruptly terminated, and all attendees were advised to watch out for statues going home.

[SATIRE] Cardassiexit – Planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV Votes Out of the Cardassian Union

(Original Post: June 27, 2016)

In a stunning move Thursday, the citizens of planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV have decided, in a narrow 124,241 to 122,116 vote, to end their affiliation with the powerful and galactically influential Cardassian Union and return to their previous status as an independent, unaffiliated colony world, exactly as the Alpha Cerissian people existed before their forced membership into the Cardassian Union almost 200 years prior. Cardassian Governor Taymor Shokaran has announced his disgust with the Alpha Cerissian people’s decision, and is expected to resign sometime within the next few days, assuming he is not driven from his luxurious governor’s mansion sooner by mobs of Alpha Cerissians brandishing photon torches and disruptor forks.

The Cardassian Union is apparently also unamused by the decision, and is rumored to have dispatched Obsidian Order operatives to Alpha Cerissius immediately after learning of Alpha Cerissius’ decision in order to “ensure the validity of the Alpha Cerissians’ supposed independence vote” and “gently remind the Alpha Cerissian people of the difficulty of maintaining peace on their own in the dangerous political climate of today”. One Cardassian official, not realizing his audio recording device was on at the time, was unintentionally noted as saying “Where did those backwoods Alpha Cerissian hicks learn about naive Federation nonsense like democracy and voting?” Unnamed Obsidian Order sources have traced the possible education of the Alpha Cerissian people to a historical datapad left behind by a Federation trader whose ship’s navigational system became damaged, causing him to drift unintentionally into Cardassian space, before docking and making repairs at a port on Alpha Cerissius’ northern continent of Safiera.

“The Federation will have much to answer for if we determine the rebellion of one of our most profitable trading outposts in the sector to be a result of Earthling brainwashing.” Cardassian Senator Juul Tamatt commented, when asked about this possibility by a reporter yesterday morning. “As if we Cardassians are gullible enough to believe that this propaganda piece… ‘”The Declaration of Independence” and Other Early American Revolutionary Era Documents’… was not written and left on a supply crate in one of Safiera’s busiest markets to intentionally stir up discord among our conquered, I mean, federated peoples.”

United Federation of Planets officials have denied any intentional tampering with the culture of Alpha Cerissius, however, and have shot back, raising concerns about large fleets of Cardassian warships being sent for “training exercises” eerily close to Alpha Cerissius’s location, as detected by the long range sensors of nearby Federation outposts.

“So, first the Federation stirs up rebellion, and now they convict us for training our military personnel? I will not hear anymore of these false accusations…” Senator Tamatt added to his previous statements, when questioned about this new development earlier today. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a crate of Horozian Flu vaccine to include with the supplies for the shuttle leaving tonight to pick up the Cardassian officials from Alpha Cerissius. Why? Um, no reason. Oh, yes, I mustn’t forget to have some polarized anti-disruptor riot shields and emergency medical stasis emitters delivered to the shuttle crew, either…”

Realizing he was still being interviewed, Senator Tamatt broke eye contact, pulling nervously at the collar of his uniform, and stammered out a follow-up statement.

“Can never be too careful, you know?”

In other related news, a single Borg drone known as Twelve of Fifteen similarly voted in 1 to 1 decision to vote himself out of the Borg Collective today in an unspecified, remote sector of the Delta Quadrant. According to long range transmissions received from the Federation starship Voyager, when local Delta Quadrant reporters attempted a follow-up interview with Twelve of Fifteen, a new, almost identical drone had filled Twelve of Fifteen’s regeneration slot on Borg Cube #45001201, and no trace of the briefly independent drone could be located with conventional scanning equipment. When asked about Twelve of Fifteen’s current whereabouts, the Borg Collective had no comment, but did assimilate one of our science vessels.

[SATIRE] A Mother’s Day Tribute

(Original Post: May 8, 2016)

As has been the trend today, this Mother’s Day, I’d like to stop and take a moment to say thanks to an older person who is very near and dear to my heart. Someone who taught me that even an underdog can triumph in the end if he works hard and doesn’t give up. Someone who taught me that it’s ok to be yourself, and to express how you feel, but that it’s also important to listen to and try to empathize with the feelings of those around you. Someone who inspired me, and inspired countless others to be the best that they could be. Someone who made me smile, made me cry, made me laugh, and, about this time two decades ago, on Wednesday, May 14, 1997, broke my heart and made me say goodbye. Before I get too emotional, let me just stop and say thanks to the person who always made me feel that, no matter where I go, no matter what I do with my life, I will always have a home back in a sleepy little university town in snowy Minnesota that loved a good game of football. Thank you, Craig T. Nelson, you will always have my respect. R.I.P. Coach Hayden Fox, 1989 – 1997 (9 Seasons). Your humor is still missed. I loved every minute of our precious time together. Except for Season Nine, because Season Nine was terrible. Yeah… the rest was really good, though

[SATIRE] Hadron Collider Shutdown Caused by Weasel; Officials Dismiss Reports of “Metahumans”

(Original Post: May 2, 2016)

The Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator at CERN is offline after a short circuit – caused by a weasel. The unfortunate creature did not survive the encounter with a high-voltage transformer at the site near Geneva City. The LHC was running when a “severe electrical perturbation” occurred in the early hours of Friday morning. A spokesman for CERN said that the weasel did not get into the tunnels, just the electrical facilities.

Anti-accelerator activists have raised concerns of possible environmental effects created by the short circuit of what has been called the “world’s biggest science experiment”. Most notably, some activists are linking the timing of the particle accelerator’s shutdown with the appearance of an unusual electrical storm that occurred in the skies over the streets of Geneva City at approximately the same time. A forensic crime science assistant was critically injured during this storm when a bolt of lightning inexplicably broke through a window of the boy’s otherwise safe loft apartment and hurled him electrified into a shelving unit containing a variety of unspecified, multicolored forensic chemicals. Some activists are now blaming CERN for the boy’s condition.

“If Barry Allen dies, his blood is on CERN’s hands!” one unnamed activist shouted at the once famed genius behind the particle accelerator’s creation at a press conference event Saturday.

“CERN has failed this city…” added another, a brooding activist with smears of green grease paint across his eyes, a possible intimidation tactic to scare the CERN officials attempting to hold their press briefing.

“Wait, this isn’t a Marvel movie…” a strange older gentleman with grey hair and glasses commented in sequence, before wandering off mumbling to himself about homecomings and civil war.

Some activists have gone so far as to also blame CERN for several unusual tornado-like events that have been occurring at various banks and highways across the city since the particle accelerator’s shutdown, claiming that CERN has somehow opened a kind of “Pandora’s box” that could go so far as to change the physical properties of human beings as we now know them, creating strange, new “metahumans” that society has no systems in place to contain.

Of course, not everyone agrees with these activists.

“Despite what some alarmists are saying, there is no substantial evidence to prove the particle accelerator’s shutdown had any effect on the weather or citizens of the peaceful people of Geneva City,” quoted David Singh, a noted Captain in the Geneva City Police Department. “This is not a comic book. A hole in the space-time continuum doesn’t occur every time a science experiment shuts down. Give them a week to get this out of their system, and before long these same crazy people are going to be rambling on about some new nonsense, like freeze ray guns and time travel or something.”

While activists insist otherwise, it is currently true that no provable connection has been to date linking the unusual meteorological occurrences in Geneva City to any explicable phenomenon created by the particle accelerator shutdown. Geneva City Police have advised they will investigate any tangible links they can find between the two events, but advise citizens not to give in to paranoia.

“In the end, the stories you’re hearing from activists are nothing more than pilots for their own imagined works of fiction. Particle accelerators, while highly advanced, cannot cause the kind of supernatural, superheroish events some activists are describing. Barry Allen has links to members of our department, and we will take a personal hand in doing everything we can to make sure he recovers. But, worst case scenario, should Mr. Allen not make the full recovery we are hoping and expecting, our blue league of Justice won’t be any different as a result. We will still continue to fight crime and criminals like we always have done. Nothing has changed here. The future will attest to that ten years from now, I’m sure.”

When further asked about reports of a flaming half-weasel, half-man “Burning Rodent” also reportedly seen in Geneva City moments after the supposed death of the creature that chewed through a cable on CERN’s accelerator, Police Captain David Singh just shook his head and labeled such reports as “silly”.

(Please see http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-36173247 for the original article, “Large Hadron Collider: Weasel Causes Shutdown”.)