Tag: Satire

[SATIRE] “Crisis of Character” and the Fox News Scandal

“CRISIS OF CHARACTER” AND THE FOX NEWS SCANDAL
by NENSPAC

(Original Post: July 1, 2016)

As the countdown to November continues among Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, some on the Republican side are questioning why a recently released book by decorated military officer and former Secret Service agent, Gary J. Byrne, “Crisis of Character”, in which Mr. Byrne describes his experiences in guarding Former President Bill Clinton, often times from his own wife, who was reported to have been considered a threat to her husband’s safety, and, on at least one occasion, appears to have given him a black eye after throwing a vase at his head in a fit of anger, has not gotten almost any attention from the mainstream media.

One reporter brought up this point during a press conference with Mrs. Clinton late last week, asking her if she was aware of this book, and whether or not the allegations contained within it about her hair-trigger fuse and often violent anger did, in fact, have any validity.

“Of course not!” Hillary Clinton laughed politely, while smiling at the litany of reporters gathered around her podium. “This just goes to show that those on the Republican side will say and do anything to keep a woman from being elected President. You know, I haven’t even heard of this book. Tell me, do you have a copy here with you? I’d like to take a picture with it for the press just so everyone can see how ridiculous this whole thing is.”

“I do actually.” the reporter acknowledged, handing Former Secretary of State Clinton a copy from the brown messenger bag hanging from his shoulder. “Here… you can keep it.”

“Why, thank you…” Hillary smiled kindly, before wrenching the book out of the reporter’s hands and chucking it into his face as hard as she could, successfully knocking the reporter unconscious. “Again, there is absolutely NO credibility to any of the claims made in this outlandish book. Do I look like an angry person to you? Maybe when I don’t have my coffee, but I don’t exactly go around throwing things at people when I’m a little caffeine-starved, despite what some of the conservative extremists in the Donald Trump campaign may tell you.”

“Um… Mrs. Clinton?” another reporter chimed in, taking a step back from the first reporter to avoid getting blood on his new dress shoes. “Did you just knock Michael Hamden from CBC News unconscious with a copy of the ‘Crisis of Character’ book he just gave you?”

“No… of course not. That’s ridiculous! What is this, a Tea Party rally?” Clinton smiled, before taking a step down from her podium to rest a hand comfortingly on the second reporter’s shoulder. “Don’t you have any REAL questions to ask me, instead of these Republican talking points memos?”

Feeling instinctual fear for the first time in his entire career as a reporter for the Daily Trumpet, the second reporter, John Lachum from Nebraska, slowly shook his head no while sweating profusely, holding his breath until Mrs. Clinton smiled and took her hand off his shoulder, returning to her podium on the stage above him.

The matter did not drop with Mr. Lachum, however. It was ironically the often liberal-identifying MSNBC network to next bring up the story of Candidate Clinton’s supposed hurling of a bestselling novel at the head of a CBC News reporter, being one of the primary topics on Chris Matthews’ “Hardball” show the next evening.

“Hillary Clinton, physically accosted by a reporter from Fox News, and forced to defend herself by throwing a book at this cowardly extension of the Republican party, who then used another reporter like a human shield, causing that reporter to be knocked unconscious and taken to the hospital for medical treatment. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING THIS RIDICULOUS??? FOX NEWS SHOULD BE ASHAMED, AND, IF THEY HAD ANY DECENCY AT ALL, THEY WOULD APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY, BOTH TO ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED FUTURE PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON, AND TO THE CBC REPORTER, MICHAEL HAMDEN, AND HIS FAMILY.”

“Resist, we much. We must. And we will much. About that, be committed.” added Al Sharpton, on his own MSNBC program the next day.

Unable to determine how they even got involved in the apparent media scandal despite having abstained from even sending a reporter to any of Hillary Clinton’s press conferences since just before Christmas, Fox News responded in the only way they knew how, by inviting Donald Trump on each and every one of their evening programs for an interview, and repeatedly discussing the matter with him at length.

“I think Native Americans should pay taxes just like the rest of us.” Donald Trump explained, while Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly stared introspectively at the button on his broadcast booth to turn off Mr. Trump’s microphone. “Did I mention I love Cinco De Mayo? Trump Tower Grill makes the best taco bowls in town! You’re fired! Sorry, force of habit.”

As Trump continued to ramble on incoherently throughout Fox News’ evening line-up, Michael Hamden released a statement of his own to the media, after being confronted by a reporter on his way back to the hospital to have his stitches removed.

“I don’t really remember a lot about the last few weeks, honestly. Supposedly, it’s a side effect of having such a severe concussion.” Mr. Hamden said hurriedly, looking around nervously for any sign of books flying at him. “All I know is I’m never wearing a messenger bag full of reading materials to another press conference event again. Next time I’m worried about getting bored at work, I’ll just download ‘Generally Disgruntled Birds’ on my phone like everybody else. Or ‘Candy Crush: Diabetes Saga’. Wait… who am I again?”

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Just like MSNBC’s viewers. Please don’t throw books at us. We don’t have good health insurance here.

[SATIRE] Next Windows Version Cancelled After Project Lead Doesn’t Know What Comes After 10

(Original Post: June 30, 2016)

As millions of disgruntled users continue to begrudgingly rely on the current version of their lazily-accepted new operating system, Windows 10, sources inside the upper levels of Microsoft have confirmed the startling and unexpected termination of the Project Lead behind their next Windows version, Casper Agoteal, after a shocking tweet posted to social media late last week in which the once lauded computer programmer and Windows enthusiast asked fellow Twitterites to advise him “What comes after Windows 10? Wait, wait… don’t tell me. It’s 12, right? I can never remember these things.”

In response, Microsoft loyalists following Mr. Agoteal on social media at first thought he was simply joking, replying with the usual range of humorous acknowledgements, such as “lol”, “good one, Casper”, and “Where’s John Connor?” As the night went on, however, Mr. Agoteal’s Tweets continued. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not stupid. I’m the guy who designed the touch screen interface for Windows 8, you know. Yeah, that was me. You’re welcome.” was next, immediately followed by, “Look, I only got this job because my dad knows someone on the board. I mean, I can sort of program, but all those numbers. They just run together in my head. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I can’t lose this job. I won’t go back to McDonalds! Somebody, help me figure out what to call this project!!!”

Before long, the posts grew desperate. It was at this point that Microsoft became aware of the issue. “Oh, no… oh, Man… my boss is calling me. He must have seen my Tweets. Look, I’m just kidding. I know what comes after 10. It’s um… 20. Or, um… 100. I’m not stupid. I’m really not. I really need this job, Man!!!” This was shortly followed by “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M EVEN DOING HERE… I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS… SOMEBODY, HELP ME OUT… MY WHOLE LIFE IS LIKE SERIOUSLY FREAKING OVER!!!” Around this time, followers of Mr. Agoteal helpfully began trying to tweet him the answer to his inquiry, that the name of his project should be simply “Windows 11”, but, at the same time, Internet trolls also jumped on the band wagon, suggesting that the next number after 10 in standard mathematics was everything from “10 1/2” to “15” to “Q” to “John Stossel”. Unable to sort through the posts in his increasingly confused and emotional mind, Mr. Agoteal’s “fight or flight response” triggered, and he ran screaming from his computer, curled up immediately in the fetal position, and fell asleep crying on the floor of his studio apartment in downtown Los Angeles, as reported on social media the next morning by some of Mr. Agoteal’s more nosy, and apparently telescope-wielding neighbors.

The Head of Upper Level Programming and Development Technology at Microsoft Industries and Mr. Agoteal’s boss, Double Doctorate in the fields of Computer Science and Communications, “Big Bo” Samns, tweeted the next afternoon, one final time from Mr. Agoteal’s account, before news of his termination hit the press. “Microsoft apologizes for any inconvenience caused by the actions of former Windows 11 Project Lead, Casper Agoteal. Due to core problems with the initial conceptualization of the next Windows version, Microsoft Industries has permanently discontinued the Windows 11 project, and, instead, will issue regular updates to Windows 10 as a permanent, final version of Microsoft Windows, similar to OS-X.” Despite the shocking reversal of Microsoft’s originally announced development schedule, most irritated Windows users were reported as claiming general indifference to the revolutionary announcement.

Since last week, media sources have attempted to reach out to Mr. Agoteal for comment, but have been mostly unsuccessful, with the exception of a single popular computer and technologies blog, The Daily Hard Drive, who fervently claim to have gotten an interview with Mr. Agoteal. The most interesting question of note from that interview, “What are you going to do next after being fired from Microsoft? Are you really going back into the fast food industry?” was asked near the end of the Q&A, at which point, Mr. Agoteal unexpectedly responded, “Nah, my uncle is actually connected to one of the guys who works at Bungie, and he says he can get me a job there making video games if I want. I have a lot of great ideas about how we can re-integrate Call of Duty style weapon loadouts and the Reach reticle bloom back into Halo 6 to make it freaking awesome again. Also, wouldn’t it be cool if Mister Chief was really a chick like that Samus girl in Nintendo?” When advised that Bungie no longer owns the Halo property, but, rather, his former employer, Microsoft does, Mr. Agoteal’s reply was unintelligible, but did ironically contain exactly eleven different variations of vulgarity.

[SATIRE] Cardassiexit – Planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV Votes Out of the Cardassian Union

(Original Post: June 27, 2016)

In a stunning move Thursday, the citizens of planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV have decided, in a narrow 124,241 to 122,116 vote, to end their affiliation with the powerful and galactically influential Cardassian Union and return to their previous status as an independent, unaffiliated colony world, exactly as the Alpha Cerissian people existed before their forced membership into the Cardassian Union almost 200 years prior. Cardassian Governor Taymor Shokaran has announced his disgust with the Alpha Cerissian people’s decision, and is expected to resign sometime within the next few days, assuming he is not driven from his luxurious governor’s mansion sooner by mobs of Alpha Cerissians brandishing photon torches and disruptor forks.

The Cardassian Union is apparently also unamused by the decision, and is rumored to have dispatched Obsidian Order operatives to Alpha Cerissius immediately after learning of Alpha Cerissius’ decision in order to “ensure the validity of the Alpha Cerissians’ supposed independence vote” and “gently remind the Alpha Cerissian people of the difficulty of maintaining peace on their own in the dangerous political climate of today”. One Cardassian official, not realizing his audio recording device was on at the time, was unintentionally noted as saying “Where did those backwoods Alpha Cerissian hicks learn about naive Federation nonsense like democracy and voting?” Unnamed Obsidian Order sources have traced the possible education of the Alpha Cerissian people to a historical datapad left behind by a Federation trader whose ship’s navigational system became damaged, causing him to drift unintentionally into Cardassian space, before docking and making repairs at a port on Alpha Cerissius’ northern continent of Safiera.

“The Federation will have much to answer for if we determine the rebellion of one of our most profitable trading outposts in the sector to be a result of Earthling brainwashing.” Cardassian Senator Juul Tamatt commented, when asked about this possibility by a reporter yesterday morning. “As if we Cardassians are gullible enough to believe that this propaganda piece… ‘”The Declaration of Independence” and Other Early American Revolutionary Era Documents’… was not written and left on a supply crate in one of Safiera’s busiest markets to intentionally stir up discord among our conquered, I mean, federated peoples.”

United Federation of Planets officials have denied any intentional tampering with the culture of Alpha Cerissius, however, and have shot back, raising concerns about large fleets of Cardassian warships being sent for “training exercises” eerily close to Alpha Cerissius’s location, as detected by the long range sensors of nearby Federation outposts.

“So, first the Federation stirs up rebellion, and now they convict us for training our military personnel? I will not hear anymore of these false accusations…” Senator Tamatt added to his previous statements, when questioned about this new development earlier today. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a crate of Horozian Flu vaccine to include with the supplies for the shuttle leaving tonight to pick up the Cardassian officials from Alpha Cerissius. Why? Um, no reason. Oh, yes, I mustn’t forget to have some polarized anti-disruptor riot shields and emergency medical stasis emitters delivered to the shuttle crew, either…”

Realizing he was still being interviewed, Senator Tamatt broke eye contact, pulling nervously at the collar of his uniform, and stammered out a follow-up statement.

“Can never be too careful, you know?”

In other related news, a single Borg drone known as Twelve of Fifteen similarly voted in 1 to 1 decision to vote himself out of the Borg Collective today in an unspecified, remote sector of the Delta Quadrant. According to long range transmissions received from the Federation starship Voyager, when local Delta Quadrant reporters attempted a follow-up interview with Twelve of Fifteen, a new, almost identical drone had filled Twelve of Fifteen’s regeneration slot on Borg Cube #45001201, and no trace of the briefly independent drone could be located with conventional scanning equipment. When asked about Twelve of Fifteen’s current whereabouts, the Borg Collective had no comment, but did assimilate one of our science vessels.

[SATIRE] Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC

(Original Post: June 11, 2016)

The following is an unpaid joke advertisement from Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC. The opinions expressed in this fake advertisement for a fake product will not make sense, and thus most likely do not reflect the opinion of myself or the “Eye of Zatara”:

Things went well for me as a hot-headed youth in the mean streets of the Capitol Wasteland, but as I started getting older, I started to notice the way I dealt with things was changing. Conflicts I was once interested in having, I would start to back away from. Bullies I previously would stand up to, I found myself trying to negotiate with or just avoid. It was like something was missing from who I used to be – like a fire had gone out inside me – and I couldn’t quite get back to the way I used to be.

That’s why I went to my local doctor, and he told me I may have an actual medical condition called “Wastelander Unnecessary Savior Syndrome” or “WUSS”. My doctor told me that my good karma was getting in the way of being the scary Raider warlord I had been in my prime, but he had a solution. That’s when my doctor told me about Psycho.

Psycho is a once daily medication created and tested by American scientists during the Battle of Anchorage to boost combat ability in power-armored soldiers. Psycho has been proven in studies to increase aggressive, territorial behavior in men, women, and Ghouls by suppressing the natural inhibitors used by the brain to repress regressive, animalistic tendencies. 90 out of 100 participants with WUSS examined by the Brotherhood of Steel showed significantly decreased karma within seconds or minutes of being prescribed Psycho, and, of those 90 participants, almost 85% showed a complete remission of WUSS symptoms with continued prescription use.

Side effects of Psycho may include violence, memory loss, shaking, seizures, destruction of property, guilt, forceful ejection from civilized society or imprisonment, and intentional or unintentional injury to nearby Scribes said by the prescribant to have “a stupid look on their face that really makes me mad”.

If you think you might have WUSS symptoms, ask your doctor today if Psycho might be right for you!

Psycho is a trademark of absolutely no one, as it does not currently exist. Opinions expressed in the above parody of an advertisement have not been evaluated by the FDA, and are not certified to diagnose, treat, or in any way affect medical conditions in the real world, only in the fictional Fallout Universe. If you feel you may have symptoms of Wasteland Unnecessary Savior Syndrome, please consult your doctor in addition to a trained clinical psychologist or close personal friend who can pray for you.

This news article from the future is brought to you by “Rob Co.” Rob Co. – “Don’t make us flip the crazy switch on your cleaning robot. We’ll do it. We’re jerks.”

[SATIRE] Gavin Woods Announces “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”, First X-Men Movie About a Horse

(Original Post: May 28, 2016)

Undaunted by the lackluster success of new X-Men movie installment, “X-Men Apocalypse,” Gavin Woods, Director of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” has announced via Twitter the next in the series of Marvel mutant superflicks, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”. Finally revealing the much wondered about backstory of the genetically mutated superhorse, “X-Aggerator”, on the big screen for all to see, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” will attempt to combine the critically lauded “X-Men: Days of Preakness Past” storyline from Marvel Comics’ short-lived X-Men spin-off series, “X-Horce”, with the new tale of the mutant champion’s past, including his early childhood conflicts with later rival and fellow supermutant horse, “Nyquistsilver”.

After the inclusion of Spiderman, previously a Sony Pictures movie property, into the Marvel Avengers movie anthology, Twitter followers were quick to respond to Gavin Woods’ tweet by asking if this was a sign that X-Aggerator may find himself included in the next Avengers installation, as well, to which Mr. Woods responded almost immediately with the following: “I dont knoo. 😉 Whateerver gets people to watcjh the movey on opneing nite, I gesuss. Lolz. ‪#‎ImDrunkRightNow‬ ‪#‎HesTotallyinAvengers3‬“.

Whether or not X-Aggerator is introduced to the Avengers movie universe as so subtlely hinted at by Mr. Woods, the announcement of another “X-Men Origins” movie to explore this character’s rich and exciting past has been welcomed with open arms by the Marvel fanbase and movie-going community.

“What the ****?” quoted a man dressed like a green half-human half-pterodactyl who would only identity himself by the monicker of Sauron. “First, Ghostbusters, and now this? I might as well just stop asking my mom to take me to the movies.”

“Excelsior!” quoted another man, a grey-haired older gentleman with large, dark glasses, who said he had gone to every premier of X-Men Apocalypse possible in the last twenty-four hours, as he “can’t stand there being a Marvel movie [he is] not somehow a part of.”

Tenatively set to release in the early summer of 2017 alongside other popular movie sequels such as “Fast and Furious MCDXIII” and “The LAST Airbender Hopefully It’s Really the Last One This Time”, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” is sure to delight audiences new and old, and may even greenlight the return of the “X-Horce” comic book series as long awaited by at least a half dozen devoted collectors and fans.

“Holy crap, what have I done?” Gavin Woods added in a follow-up tweet the morning after his possibly intoxicated revelation of the “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” project the night before. “Oh well, absolute worst case scenario, Bryan Singer can always retcon it away with another time travel movie, right? Right??? Ah, you know I’m right… ‪#‎DeadpoolLaserEyesRoflSwordHands‬ ‪#‎NeverDirectaMovieWhileDrunk‬ ‪#‎PlotLinesAreForSoberPeopleandtheMalcontented‬ ‪#‎CanBryanSingerFixTerminatorGenisysTooMaybe‬ ‪#‎HashBrowns‬”

(An artist’s rendering of possible box art for “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” has been attached to this article for aesthetic purposes. The art depicted may or may not resemble the content of the actual horse-based Marvel superhero movie.)

#HashBrowns

[SATIRE] Yoohoo Civil War [A Biased and Unfair Review]

(Original Post: May 16, 2016)

Hey, a friend of mine who’s Head Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine sent over this review for the new Captain America movie one of their writers who lives in Luxingfort, KY sent in. Apparently, they didn’t have room for it in their magazine this month, and said I could post it on the “Eye of Zatara” if I wanted. I thought it was pretty good, so I figured I’d share it. I hope you like it, too!

“Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War”
[A Biased and Unfair Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

This last Friday evening, I was graced through my vast social and political connections in town to acquire an exclusive, after public release, free-after-paying-regular-admission-price ticket to the latest Marvel superhero film, “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” at the local Royalty cinemas, the girl at the counter, apparently aware of my power and influence, even allowing me to choose my own seat and noting it in the system so no underprivileged freeloader could steal my optimal location while I was securing refreshment, and also bestowing special, movie-enhancing glasses with top-of-the-line, multi-dimensional technology to increase my film enjoyment at no additional charge.

Overall, I had a… reasonably… enjoyable experience, but, as a man of opinion, I feel that to give back to the little people who helped me secure my entertainment for the evening at so little of my own expense, I must share my thoughts and feelings about the movie with any who will listen, and offer a review to other potential moviegoers that would like to know if this movie is worthy of an affluent intellectual’s time. And, so, here is my review. (“Spoiler Warning” would be the commoner’s expression to include at this point, would it not? Bah.)

MOVIE: 9/10 – The movie was well written, well executed, and extremely enjoyable. Despite being called “Yoohoo Civil War”, there was far less connection to the delicious, chocolate and strawberry flavored beverages in the plot than I expected, but the emotional and political conflict that replaced it seemed adequate enough. I was told to stay after the credits for some sort of additional scene, but I can’t be bothered with such things. Credits are best saved for environmentalists and the malcontented.

POPCORN: 6/10 – The popcorn I acquired at the refreshment station that greeted me upon my triumphant entry to the greater Royalty theater complex was buttery and satisfying. I was even offered a small “combination” deal should I also acquire a drink and other amenities from the station, but felt that I had been shown enough preferential treatment for the night and declined, choosing instead to pay individually for my drink. The 6/10 comes from the fact that I spilled some of my popcorn while getting settled into the king-like, reclining throne made available for me instead of a normal movie seat by the Royalty staff. I am not quite sure how me spilling my popcorn is really anyone else’s fault, but I’m sure it had to be as a result of some distraction by the loud movie previews of other films I can’t be bothered to watch all of. Movie previews are for dog breeders and the malcontented.

SODA: 8/10 – The soda I purchased along with my popcorn, a “Classic” version of Coca-Cola obviously reserved exclusively for those with the most sophisticated of palettes, was quite delicious, like a fine wine, except hundreds of dollars cheaper. I was even offered a free “refill” since I had purchased a larger, more carafe-like vessel for its consumption than the typical, smaller trinkets chosen by many of the less privileged around me. I took advantage of this “refilling” on my way out of the theater, a final token of respect by the Royalty employees for my seat of influence in the Luxingfort community.

HISTORICAL ACCURACY: 1/10 – This is one point I have to hold against “Yoohoo Civil War”. While I am willing to accept a fair grain of artistic liberty regarding the “Captains of America” and “Tony Stank” characters represented in this movie, I am fairly certain they are not accurate representations of any actual American Civil War personas. The movie begins in some sort of nonsensical city called “Wakanda”, instead of Fort Sumter, as with the actual American Civil War, and the movie only loses more historical veracity from that point. At no point in American history at all, much less during the years of 1861 to 1865, have Union and Confederate armies ever engaged in a firefight by throwing shields and shooting spider webs at one another. What is this nonsense? I enjoyed the movie’s plot line with the same joy I might an imaginative fairy tail, but by saying this movie has some connections to the bloody events that nearly tore the United States apart a few centuries ago, the producers of this film likely have Abraham Lincoln rolling over in his grave. I am fairly certain the sixteenth President of the United States never broke criminals out of prison with a bow and arrow, nor did General Ulysses S. Grant ever run around calling himself “Grant Man” while shrinking to the size of a small bug or insect of some sort. It is almost comical how ridiculous this representation of history was, but my amusement ended when I realized it would likely be treated as accurate by the less intellectual, such as misguided Trump supporters and the malcontented.

ATMOSPHERE: 4/10 – The lighting, sounds, and projection systems built into the futuristic, third-dimensional entertainment venue I was granted access to by the Royalty employees with by privilege-bought, admission price ticket, were all adequate for my needs as a man of leisure seeking entertainment. There was, however, a fair amount of popcorn spilled onto the floor in my area very early on in the “previews” section of the “Yoohoo Civil War” presentation. This was not cleaned up immediately, and was still present when I left the theater viewing room. This is not acceptable. Spilled popcorn on the floor is for libertarians and the malcontented.

YOOHOO REPRESENTATION: 0/10 – Thinking through the movie again as I write this, I realize now there were no actual scenes containing Yoohoo beverages in this film, either in the “previews”, or in the actual movie itself. There may have been something after the credits, but, as I explained before, watching credits is for the xanthophobic and the malcontented. This is an outrage! No accurately-represented Civil War events, and no Yoohoo drinks? I simply cannot ignore this. This is false advertising in the highest sense! Bait and switch! I call bait and switch, my good sirs! Marvel Studios will hear about my discontentment! Yoohoo Civil War may have been one of the best “superhero”-type movies that I have seen in my thirty long years of privilege on this planet, but false advertising is for Klingon speakers, taser owners, and the malcontented! Not for one of my position and station in life! Enough talking about this. My high blood pressure cannot bear it any longer. Just know that “Sam Lee” or whatever his name is will be working at Fed Ex by the time I am done expressing my fury to his superiors.

Overall, “Yoohoo Civil War” is a great movie, one which I recommend to anyone, especially fans of the “superhero” movie archetype, but it has no Yoohoos, and does not mirror the American Civil War in any way. My review “score” for the characters, plot, theme, visuals, soundtrack, action, and excitement of the movie itself is a 9/10. My total review “score” for the movie including factors such as my enjoyment of popcorn, soda, atmosphere, and the movie’s representations of both Yoohoo chocolate beverages and the American Civil War is 4.5/10, and that is quite generous, in my opinion.

Hmph. I don’t even know why I bothered writing such a bothersome piece of mostly advertising documentation. “Movie reviews” are for trading card game collectors, muffin bakers, vegetarians, and the malcontented. They are not worth the time of a busy and affluent intellectual like myself. Where’s my driver? I need a few circles around Polygon Park in my Honda Element to regain my calm…

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit somewhat misguided editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His most famous articles include “Quizno’s? What in the Name of All That is Good is a Quizno’s?” and “The Gentleman’s Guide to Chocolate Milk”. Please don’t email us about him. We have a hard enough job. We have to work with him everyday, you know. I really hope he doesn’t read this…”

[SATIRE] Make America Grape Again

(Original Post: May 12, 2016)

Make America Grape Again 2

As Donald Trump becomes the presumptive 2016 Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, inside sources from within the Trump campaign have supposedly leaked the somewhat shocking extent to which Mr. Trump was willing to go in order to secure his nomination amidst heated opposition from Texas Senator Ted Cruz and Ohio Governor Jon Kasich. Based on opposition research accumulated from former Trump supporters by political operatives close to former Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, Donald Trump was apparently in the process of preemptively naming his choice for Vice President should he secure the nomination, as way to galvanize his supporters, similar to the move made by Democratic hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders as reported here in early April (http://eyeofzatara.com/2016/08/06/clinton/).

In a possibly extra-Constitutional move, Mr. Trump planned for the first time in America’s history, to name a company, in its entirety, as his President running mate for the 2016 United States Presidential race. This company, Welch Foods Inc., known primarily for its fruit juice products, would have caused an amendment to Trump’s original campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again” to a new, revised slogan saying “Make America GRAPE Again. TM, Welch Foods Inc., All Rights Reserved.” While Senator Cruz and Governor Kasich were quick to criticize this reported move when it was leaked, additional sources have confirmed that both Cruz and Kasich were planning similar moves, having already been aware of Trump’s plans to unite himself with a grape juice company to strengthen his 2016 Presidential ticket.

In the works for both campaigns was a unification of Ted Cruz and his Vice Presidential company selection, Tropicana Products, with a new campaign slogan of “Orange You Tired of Trump? Vote Cruz!” to appear as the banner for his party bid in a new 30 second ad spot to be run on prime time for three weeks immediately following Senator Cruz’s announcement; and, on Kasich’s side, a slightly more bizarre choice of American apple-based product company, Mott’s, to become his Vice Presidential hopeful with a slogan reading “I Like Applesauce. : ) “, a slogan apparently written by Governor Kasich himself shortly after the selection decision, much to the chagrin of his campaign staff and close supporters.

Whoever becomes President this 2016 election cycle, it is clear that this will be an election to go down in the history books. The only saving grace, for those of us of stable mind, is the sound advice of advisers to the Obama campaign, who, while explaining to the former constitutional law professor why he is unable to run against Hillary Clinton in this year’s Democratic Presidential primaries, talked him out of running commercials replacing Joe Biden with Vice Presidential selection, Ocean Spray Cranberries, Inc., with an ad slogan of “Cran Barry Get Four More Years?” Obama advisors did, however, compliment the President on his choice to replace Joe Biden with absolutely anyone else should he theoretically ever run for any sort of elected office again. Media sources are currently unable to confirm additional reports of an alternate Obama 2016 ad campaign entitled “Only Two Terms? We Need V8 More.”

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Don’t mess with us. We know stuff. About stuff. Probably… (Actually, we don’t know anything. Please don’t hurt us. 🙁 )

[SATIRE] A Mother’s Day Tribute

(Original Post: May 8, 2016)

As has been the trend today, this Mother’s Day, I’d like to stop and take a moment to say thanks to an older person who is very near and dear to my heart. Someone who taught me that even an underdog can triumph in the end if he works hard and doesn’t give up. Someone who taught me that it’s ok to be yourself, and to express how you feel, but that it’s also important to listen to and try to empathize with the feelings of those around you. Someone who inspired me, and inspired countless others to be the best that they could be. Someone who made me smile, made me cry, made me laugh, and, about this time two decades ago, on Wednesday, May 14, 1997, broke my heart and made me say goodbye. Before I get too emotional, let me just stop and say thanks to the person who always made me feel that, no matter where I go, no matter what I do with my life, I will always have a home back in a sleepy little university town in snowy Minnesota that loved a good game of football. Thank you, Craig T. Nelson, you will always have my respect. R.I.P. Coach Hayden Fox, 1989 – 1997 (9 Seasons). Your humor is still missed. I loved every minute of our precious time together. Except for Season Nine, because Season Nine was terrible. Yeah… the rest was really good, though

[SATIRE] Hadron Collider Shutdown Caused by Weasel; Officials Dismiss Reports of “Metahumans”

(Original Post: May 2, 2016)

The Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator at CERN is offline after a short circuit – caused by a weasel. The unfortunate creature did not survive the encounter with a high-voltage transformer at the site near Geneva City. The LHC was running when a “severe electrical perturbation” occurred in the early hours of Friday morning. A spokesman for CERN said that the weasel did not get into the tunnels, just the electrical facilities.

Anti-accelerator activists have raised concerns of possible environmental effects created by the short circuit of what has been called the “world’s biggest science experiment”. Most notably, some activists are linking the timing of the particle accelerator’s shutdown with the appearance of an unusual electrical storm that occurred in the skies over the streets of Geneva City at approximately the same time. A forensic crime science assistant was critically injured during this storm when a bolt of lightning inexplicably broke through a window of the boy’s otherwise safe loft apartment and hurled him electrified into a shelving unit containing a variety of unspecified, multicolored forensic chemicals. Some activists are now blaming CERN for the boy’s condition.

“If Barry Allen dies, his blood is on CERN’s hands!” one unnamed activist shouted at the once famed genius behind the particle accelerator’s creation at a press conference event Saturday.

“CERN has failed this city…” added another, a brooding activist with smears of green grease paint across his eyes, a possible intimidation tactic to scare the CERN officials attempting to hold their press briefing.

“Wait, this isn’t a Marvel movie…” a strange older gentleman with grey hair and glasses commented in sequence, before wandering off mumbling to himself about homecomings and civil war.

Some activists have gone so far as to also blame CERN for several unusual tornado-like events that have been occurring at various banks and highways across the city since the particle accelerator’s shutdown, claiming that CERN has somehow opened a kind of “Pandora’s box” that could go so far as to change the physical properties of human beings as we now know them, creating strange, new “metahumans” that society has no systems in place to contain.

Of course, not everyone agrees with these activists.

“Despite what some alarmists are saying, there is no substantial evidence to prove the particle accelerator’s shutdown had any effect on the weather or citizens of the peaceful people of Geneva City,” quoted David Singh, a noted Captain in the Geneva City Police Department. “This is not a comic book. A hole in the space-time continuum doesn’t occur every time a science experiment shuts down. Give them a week to get this out of their system, and before long these same crazy people are going to be rambling on about some new nonsense, like freeze ray guns and time travel or something.”

While activists insist otherwise, it is currently true that no provable connection has been to date linking the unusual meteorological occurrences in Geneva City to any explicable phenomenon created by the particle accelerator shutdown. Geneva City Police have advised they will investigate any tangible links they can find between the two events, but advise citizens not to give in to paranoia.

“In the end, the stories you’re hearing from activists are nothing more than pilots for their own imagined works of fiction. Particle accelerators, while highly advanced, cannot cause the kind of supernatural, superheroish events some activists are describing. Barry Allen has links to members of our department, and we will take a personal hand in doing everything we can to make sure he recovers. But, worst case scenario, should Mr. Allen not make the full recovery we are hoping and expecting, our blue league of Justice won’t be any different as a result. We will still continue to fight crime and criminals like we always have done. Nothing has changed here. The future will attest to that ten years from now, I’m sure.”

When further asked about reports of a flaming half-weasel, half-man “Burning Rodent” also reportedly seen in Geneva City moments after the supposed death of the creature that chewed through a cable on CERN’s accelerator, Police Captain David Singh just shook his head and labeled such reports as “silly”.

(Please see http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-36173247 for the original article, “Large Hadron Collider: Weasel Causes Shutdown”.)