Satire – Page 6 – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster

(Original Post: October 11, 2016)

The series premieres of the CW’s line-up of DC Comics-based shows has brought joy to many, but anger to others, as spoilers from DC-TV-Spoilers.Com about the main antagonists for Season 3 of The Flash and Season 5 of Arrow have been quickly revealed as untrue, leading many followers of that website to abandon the site, and others redirected to it by other news blogs, including the Eye of Zatara, to also question those referencing and linking to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s information. The editor of that website holds firm to his sources, however, and is claiming that the creation of an alternate timeline is responsible for his supposed misinformation.

“I’m not really sure what happened, but the information I was given was completely accurate at the time I posted it to my blog. I wouldn’t have typed it up otherwise.” the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, known only to the Internet community as “Kal-AOL”, explains in a special statement at the top of his news blog. “Clearly, some sort of Speedster has altered the timeline, and created a new reality in which Usain Bolt is not the primary antagonist for Season 3 of The Flash, and director Zach Synder is not the Green Arrow’s adversary in Season 5 of Arrow. I’m honestly not sure how this is even possible, but it is the only explanation I can offer.”

Despite the clear impossibility of what Kal-AOL is saying, other bloggers have jumped to his defense, pointing out other inconsistencies with our current interpretation of reality that seems to align with the theory that we are living in an alternate version of the present created by Speedster intervention in the past.

“Has anyone questioning Kal-AOL’s theory even seen Season 4 of Arrow?” fellow Arrow/Flash universe blogger, “Marvin Manhunter”, wrote in an article today on his news blog, “DC Comix Rox”. “If temporal manipulation was not involved in the making of our current reality, how could a fifth season of Arrow even be made as bad as Season 4 was? Did you see the choreography? Black Canary’s primary tactic in battle was to run in a straight line at anyone shooting an automatic weapon at her, and, somehow, not die five minutes into the first episode. Don’t get me started on the ‘shoot first’ enemies only failing to go for the kill whenever a main character is surrounded, at which point, they suddenly hold back their fire. Or the enemies basically standing still any time a weaponless main character confronted them, offering absolutely no resistance to someone very slowly and awkwardly punching them, even when that character was outnumbered. I hope whatever Speedster selfishly ruined the original choreography for Season 4 gets eaten by a time wraith for it. I really do.”

“And what’s with Hulu not getting CW stuff anymore?” blogger “Flash Ketchum from Earth 2 Pallet Town” wrote on his news blog, “All’s Wells That Ends Thon”, “I definitely remember Hulu getting CW stuff in the original timeline. This is some parallel universe, multiversal tachyon bullcrap right here, that’s what this is.”

On non-DC-related news blogs, the current U.S. President race between Republican Party candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton has also been cited as compelling evidence of possible temporal tampering.

“The real question you should be asking,” Kal-AOL continued in the original statement on this subject posted late last week to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, “is that if we are really living in an alternate timeline, what can we do to return things back to the way they are supposed to be?”

After several minutes of discussion on his own personal theories on time travel, mostly a mix of Back to the Future and Hot Tub Time Machine, Kal-AOL finally gave the best answer he could to the problem of how to resolve the possible temporal conflict believed to be directly affecting all of reality around us.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Kal-AOL shrugged, using stage directions to note his shrug in the otherwise article-formatted prose of his most recent blog post. “And, even if we did fix the timeline, the unfathomable awesome that is Luke Cage might turn out the worse for it. Whatever your stance on fixing Arrow Season 4, I think you’ll agree with me that’s a risk our world just can’t afford to take. Forget Donald and Hillary… Luke Cage 2016!”

Since the original posting of this article to the Eye of Zatara, a “Luke Cage” section has been added to Kal-AOL’s blog, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, much to the protest of his primary DC-based readership – at least, until they watched their first episode of the Netflix Original Series and immediately celebrated along with the rest of us. Rumors have also begun to circulate that Libertarian Party candidate for U.S. President, Gary Johnson, has replaced his current running mate with the actor from Luke Cage in an attempt to bolster his chances in the election. It is now estimated he will receive a 0.02% share of the popular vote, up 400% from previous vote estimates of 0.005% before including Luke Cage in his platform.

[SATIRE] “Star Trek: Discovery” Delayed Until May After Executive Producer Insulted by High Schooler

(Original Post: September 15, 2016)

CBS announced today the delay of their upcoming Star Trek prequel series, “Star Trek: Discovery”, after Executive Producer Bryan Fuller suddenly disappeared during a shoot last week at Pinewood Toronto Studios, pushing the series’ release date from January 2017 to sometime in May. While CBS has officially declined to comment on the reason for the delay, multiple sources closest to the project have disclosed the details behind Mr. Fuller’s disappearance, and their speculation on the future of the new Star Trek series.

“It was the darndest thing,” Creative Producer Nicholas Meyer explained to popular Star Trek blog “The Wrath of .Com” shortly after CBS’s announcement. “There we were, filming the third episode for the season, and some overgrown high school kid in a tanktop and jeans wandered into the set, took one look at the Andorian-dressed actors conversing with Bryan at the time, and shouted repeatedly, at the top of his lungs, ‘HOLY CRAP, WHAT A NERD!!!”

“He broke down crying right then and there in the middle of the set.” Rod Roddenberry sighed, speaking to a reporter dressed like a male Seven of Nine while shaking his head. “He started muttering something about Joxton High School, and then just ran out of the room. Frankly, we haven’t seen him since. His family assures us he’s ok, but every time we go by his condo to check on him, all we hear is sobbing through the door, and he refuses to let us in.”

PR agents for Mr. Fuller, however, have denied that the delays in the release of “Star Trek: Discovery” have anything to do with their client, and most certainly are not the result of the 47 year old man being called a “nerd” by a roughly 17 year old bully. Neighbors of Mr. Fuller, however, interviewed by sources close to “The Eye of Zatara” have exposed startling new details which seem to confirm the accounts reported to Star Trek fan sites by Nicholas Meyer and Rod Roddenberry.

“When we first bought this condo, we almost never saw Mr. Fuller. It was a kind of running joke between me and my wife that he didn’t really exist,” popular local television anchor Samir Hakari reported to our totally legitimate sources earlier this morning. “Then, about a week ago, we suddenly heard the door of his condo slam, and then a lot of crying through the walls. We have excellent insulation here. I’ve never heard any of my neighbors through the walls before today. Now… my wife has actually rented a hotel room the last several nights because she hasn’t been able to stay the night in our room and get any sleep. I… I don’t blame her.”

“I heard the crying, as well,” another neighbor, Natasha Smith-Noranski, also confirmed to super reliable sources connected to “The Eye of Zatara”. “But that wasn’t actually the strangest thing. Every day for the last week since Bryan locked himself in his condo, some sort of strange, pimply jock type kid has slipped past the doorman for our condo building when he wasn’t looking, gone up to the second floor, and slid a note underneath Bryan’s door before slipping out the back staircase, and, then, a few minutes later, the crying suddenly gets louder from within the condo. Bryan’s always been a very kind and conscientious neighbor. I really hate to see this kind of thing happen to him… even if he really is a big nerd.”

“tlhIngan Hol vIjatlhbe’. ghu’vam mugh jIH internet lo’.” actor Michael Dorn added, after being spotted hanging around Mr. Fuller’s condo building dressed in full costume as his popular role of Lieutenant Worf from the “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” series. “I’m sorry. I was speaking my native tongue there for a moment. What I said in Klingon is ‘The actions of this 17 year old child are far from honorable. Executive Producer Fuller must regain his honor in glorious combat by confronting this tog with the edge of a blood-stained bat’leth.'”

Michael Dorn then cleared his throat.

“Maybe then he can take a look at these script ideas I’ve put together for a new series starring Worf I’ve been hanging around his condo trying to show him for months… I mean, uh, only THEN will he be able to reclaim his family honor, and rest his soul in the glory of Sto-vo-kor with the honored dead should the family of the 17 year old human COWARD attempt retribution!”

When asked by “The Wrath of .Com” if Mr. Fuller’s sudden sensitivity to bullying could potentially cause any further delays in the release of Star Trek: Discovery, especially if his bully should, for example, locate his Facebook or Twitter accounts and continue his harassment onto those fronts, Nicholas Meyer could not give a definitive answer.

“All I can say is I very much hope not. Bryan Fuller’s feelings may be hurt by being reminded of the harshness of his days in Joxton High School, but there are many, many Star Trek fans out there whose feelings would be hurt just as much or more should this project be cancelled or delayed any further.”

Nicholas Meyer smiled.

“And the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few.”

[SATIRE] Arrow Season Five’s Antagonist Has “Failed Everyone”

Overwhelmed by the hits to their blog after posting insider information about Flash Season 3, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com reached out to another confidential source earlier this week and obtained similar information about the upcoming Season 5 of Arrow, information which was posted in its entirety to the blog’s main page late last night, creating an even greater shock and buzz among the show’s still growing fanbase than the Flash posting.

“Season Five will attempt to bring Green Arrow into a larger DC Universe than ever before,” an unnamed, eye-patched informant with the code name “Deep Stroke” reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.com in posted information. “Seeking to unify the growing numbers of superheroes combating the rising tide of supervillains throughout the Flash/Arrow universe, Oliver Queen travels in the beginning of Season 5 to the cities of Gotham City and Metropolis to enlist the aid of two well-noted superheroes rumored to be operating out of those cities. When he gets there, however, things are not as he expected. Superman is dead, and Batman is in prison for branding and killing criminals instead of simply catching them and turning them over to the Gotham City Police as in the past. That’s when Green Arrow encounters the evil mastermind behind it all, the one responsible for destroying two of the greatest superheroes in the entire DC Universe – Zach Snyder.”

Known in the Flash/Arrow universe as “The Director”, Zach Snyder is an enemy with the ability to completely re-write everything that the Arrow believes in and stands for, something no villain before him has been able to do.

“Merlyn made Oliver question his past, and forced him to face an enemy with his same set of abilities, only greater. Mysel, I mean, Deathstroke made Oliver question his own ability to make a difference for good, while bringing the threats and danger of Lian Yu with him back to Starling City.” confidential informant Deep Stroke continued, speaking with the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com via Farcebook Messenger. “Ra’s al Ghul forced Oliver to confront his own darkness, and the potential inevitability of falling prey to that darkness. Damian Darhk tempted Oliver to return to the darkness, questioned the validity of his decision to remain in the light, and confronted the non-superpowered hero with magical powers the Green Arrow could barely understand much less equal with his mere physical prowess and arrows.”

“The Director” will apparently question Oliver Queen’s very identity itself, using a power called “Rewrite” to change everything about who the Green Arrow is in an instant, converting him from a hero of light back into the gritty darkness that clothed him in Season 1 and worse, an anti-hero willing to kill without second thought, even if the reason he was killing people made absolutely no sense.

“The Director” features other powers, as well, according to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s source, however, including the power to alter human perception, causing his opponents to engage in strange dream sequences that make them feel confused and disjointed when returning to normal reality, along with other strange perception-based gimmicks like causing opponents to feel they are moving in slow motion for “dramatic effect” to throw off their timing, and making opponents become overly emotional in response to certain hypnotically-planted keywords in their mind such as the name of their city, the name of their mother, etc..

In the end, Season Five will lead up to a massive battle between Team Arrow and “The Director”, beginning with Oliver Queen’s assertion that Zach Snyder “has failed EVERYONE.”

In addition to revealing this new information about Season Five, however, the spoiler from Deep Stroke to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com also shut down some rumors swirling around the Internet in regards to what some fans were expecting in the upcoming season of Arrow.

“I know there was a lot of talk that a multitude of other superheroes would make quick, unexpected, and frankly, unneeded, cameos in Season Five to establish the groundwork for a Flash/Arrow universe ‘Justice League’ as quickly as possible,” Deep Stroke explained, while staring at an old grainy photo of a young Japanese woman and softly crying to himself when he thought the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com wasn’t looking. “But, no, we’re not doing that. That’s stupid. Arrow is Arrow. What does this look like? A fan fiction?”

After revealing so much insider information about the upcoming seasons of both The Flash and Arrow, many dedicated fans of the DC-TV-Spoilers.Com blog asked if they would soon also be spoiling details about the upcoming season of closely linked new shows, “Supergirl” and “Legends of Tomorrow”, to which the editor of the Flash/Arrow universe blog responded, “What? No. What are those? Are you just making crap up to confuse me? Those things aren’t real.”

The editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com then banned the IP of the inquisitive site viewer for “trolling”.

Since the posting of this article, DC-TV-Spoilers has officially admitted to the existence of new DC universe television show “Supergirl”, but still continues to assert that “Legends of Tomorrow” is just the name of an old kids game show featuring a talking stone face named Olmec that asked the kids stupid questions. Attempts to ask them the identity of their confidential, eye-patched informant “Deep Stroke” have also gone unanswered.

[SATIRE] Players Excited About Upcoming Pokémon Go Feature – “Fun”

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As anticipation swirls around the next upcoming patch to overnight success Pokémon Go, Niantic has officially confirmed the most exciting and innovating of the game’s rumored new features – as of the application’s next regularly scheduled update, Pokémon Go will now contain “Fun”.

“We know we had Fun in the original version, but it was just so buggy, we had to take it out for a while,” Head Programmer Larry Oak confirmed to several online gaming blogs Thursday. “We’ve been tweaking the feature behind the scenes for quite a while now, though, and we believe we’ve finally worked out the kinks. As of the next Pokémon Go update, Fun will be back in the game again.”

While some are extremely optimistic about the upcoming re-addition, others continue to say that Pokémon Go has already seen and moved past its heyday.

“That jerk Vinny down the street keeps beating all the Pokémon I put in our school’s gym, and sticking in freaking 3000 CP Dragonites. 3000 CP DRAGONITES!” school kid Bugsby Pinscyther reported to Pokemon-Go-LOL.com earlier this morning. “Not everyone has rich parents that can let them buy Lucky Eggs from the App Store all the time. YOU HEAR THAT, VINNY? YOU MAY HAVE MONEY, BUT YOU’RE STILL A N00B IN MY BOOK! A N00B!”

Bugsby later added, “I like shorts. They are comfy and easy to wear.”

Whether or not the re-addition of Fun is everything Niantic is hoping to revitalize the Pokémon Go fanbase, most objective sources admit that directly responding to the needs of their players in this way is a good direction for the company.

“Many players have been directly complaining about the removal of Fun from Pokémon Go from almost the very beginning of the app’s life span.” Professor Blaine Firenflame observed on his own popular Pokémon gaming blog, ‘The Weekly Cinnabar Report’, “Re-adding Fun just as their fanbase begins to wane could be exactly what the game needs to lure in more players than ever before! By my calculations, we may see Team Valor grow into the millions, Team Mystic grow into the billions, and Team Instinct get its first member since… since… since, well, sometime in the middle of August, putting them well on their way to having a triple digit team size! Professor Willow may even have to get a new assistant to accommodate all the new players… anyone up for joining Team Volcano? Eh? Eh? What, no takers…?”

While the exact date that the Fun feature will return to Pokémon Go has not been officially announced, it is sure to be a welcome milestone in the life of this widely popular enhanced reality game. Unfortunately, this announcement has only given further encouragement to some disreputable users of the app. Many less scrupulous Pokémon Go users across the Internet have already announced their intentions to gain access to the area of the Pokémon Go servers connected to the Fun feature, creating online maps for others players to use in order to locate the placement and timing of Fun on the virtual Pokémon Go map of the area around them, in direct violation of the game’s Terms of Service.

“Until they create a way for us to quickly and easily locate Fun in a way that works best for Team Rock, I mean, Team Mystic, we will continue to take use whatever resources we have available to display the location of Fun to any player willing and able to gain an edge over their friends and neighbors using our website.” a very short, slightly furry-looking man very closely resembling a Meowth explained on an anonymous Youtube video as a male and female henchman in concealing trenchcoats snickered behind him. “That, and capture Pikachu. Those are our goals as three tried and true players of Pokémon Go’s illustrious Team Rock…mystic. Mystic. Team Mystic. Wait, what did I say?”

Since the posting of this article, Niantic has already banned the three odd players responsible for posting the YouTube video about Fun and Pikachus. In addition, they have confirmed a $25 US price tag to activate the “Fun” feature once downloaded into Pokémon Go via its next update. This purchase will activate Fun for 24 hours real time, before having to be repurchased at the in-game App Store with another $25 in Pokécoins. Apparently, “Fun” comes at a price, but Niantic assures you that you will always be able to avoid spending real world money on Pokécoins using the extremely-lucrative accumulation of Pokécoins from placing your Pokémon into gyms. In fact, as of the writing of this article, the author has himself accumulated almost 30 coins in this way, almost 1% of the cost of a Fun download! Questions were emailed to Niantic by “The Eye of Zatara” on the possibility of future features to help with the non-monetary acquisition of Pokécoins, but were deleted without being opened.

[SATIRE] Flash Season 3 Antagonist Revealed – Usain Bolt!!!

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As comic book enthusiasts and casual fans of the series alike prepare themselves for the third season of the CW’s critically-acclaimed “The Flash” television series, anonymous leaks to Arrow/Flash fansite, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, have left many fans of the Scarlet Speedster feeling the Jitters.

Just as the first two seasons of The Flash revolved around a single primary antagonist, so, too, will Season 3 revolve around a single ultimate adversary for Barry Allen to overcome, but this rival speedster – the only remaining character in the DC multiverse still capable of matching Barry Allen’s velocity – is none other than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt.

“After watching him defeat Reverse Flash and Zoom, the writers of the show asked themselves – who the heck is there for Flash to fight now?” anonymous sources reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com. “Well, we were going to read this big stack of old comic books DC dropped off for us to review, then there was this big Blackout. While we were goofing off waiting for the Light to come back on, one of us brought up the Olympics, and that’s when it hit us – Usain Bolt!”

Appearing early in Season 3 under the moniker “Reverse Bolt”, Usain will appear in Flash canon as a former Olympian who, after falling into a contaminated green diving pool during a previous summer Olympic games, gained speed-based superpowers far beyond those of a normal human. A Multiplex of other “medal-humans”, as they will be called, encountered by “The Flash” in this season will feature similar origins related to the viridian-hued waters of the strange diving pool. Anonymous sources have already confirmed many single-episode Flash villains with names such as “Dur-Ant Man”, a basketball player with SuperSonic speed capable of shrinking using a non-Marvel-copyrighted shrink suit, “Mike Eel Freestyle”, an ace swimmer/amateur rap artist capable of generating an electric field while drinking under the influence, and “Venus De Vile-o”, a really evil Tennis player capable of creating exactly one almost identical clone of herself.

As filming went underway, some on the production team apparently questioned the direction that Season 3 was going, but their meltdown was silenced after an unnamed Everyman on the team uncovered some of the rejected ideas for antagonists thrown away by “The Flash” writers before accepting and pushing forward with the Usain Bolt idea.

“Speed Buggy.” another member of the film crew revealed to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s anonymous sources. “They were going to call him Room-a-Zoom-Zoom Zoom.”

“I think Speed Racer was in the mix, too.” he later added. “Pretty much everything everything animated or in a comic book with Speed in its name made it into the discussion at some point. There was even a plan to make an entire episode about Speedos. It was not a Golden day in the drawing room when they discussed that one.”

While it has been confirmed via multiple sources that Usain Bolt will not play himself in the upcoming Season Three of Flash, there are reports he will still appear in the show at some point.

“We’re thinking of making him the next Firestorm. We’ve had everyone else be Firestorm. Might as well throw him in there, too.”

While more than a few fans are objecting to the information revealed about “The Flash” Season Three by DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, they are not the only ones. Kevin Durant, Michael Phelps, and Venus Williams have already filed preliminary lawsuits, as has the entire International Olympics Committee and nation of Brazil in the World Court.

“Really? A contaminated GREEN diving pool in a Summer Olympic games physically affecting the bodies of those who swim in it?” Andre de Santos, Director of the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero, said to reporters early yesterday morning, while standing in front of an empty Olympics aquatics facility crisscrossed with yellow caution tape and signs reading “Caution” and “Biohazard” in Portuguese.

“Besides, a green liquid causing mutation is just crazy.” a large human-sized talking Turtle said from somewhere behind Mr. Santos while spinning a pair of Japanese nunchaku weapons. “But enough about that. Anybody know where I can order a Coast City pizza around here? I could Rilla-Go for one right now.”

[SATIRE] Nintendo “Out of Ideas for New Pokémon”; New Games Will Feature Old Pokémon in New Colors

(Original Post: August 25, 2016)

In a surprising announcement from spokesman Hijiro Sadokawa at a handheld gaming symposium in Ikebukuro on Sunday, Nintendo has officially confirmed what many in the Pokémon community had already come to suspect.

“It has been over twenty years since the creation of our beloved Pokémon franchise by Satoshi Tajiri in 1995, and, frankly, we’re just out of ideas.” Hijiro confessed before a crowd of gamers gathered for their “Future of Pokémon” panel at the symposium. “We’ve done cats, dogs, birds, ghosts, even an ice cream sundae Pokémon, and, frankly, our creative team just doesn’t have anything left.”

“This does not, however, mean the end of the Pokémon franchise.” Hijiro then went on to clarify, as several overweight older men in Pikachu T-shirts broke down crying in the middle of the crowd. “Instead of featuring new Pokémon, all future Pokémon games, partially starting with Pokémon Sun and Moon, will feature fresh, revolutionary new variations of already existing Pokémon in awesome and exciting alternate color schemes!”

Looking to the left and right of his small stage to confirm the presence of symposium security on either side of him, Hijiro dodged a tomato chucked at his head by a female cosplayer dressed as a Bulbasaur and tried desperately to continue his prepared remarks over the audible booing of the now dwindling crowd of distraught Pokémaniacs.

“We understand this will be a big transition for the Pokémon community to make, which is why we are including several new Pokémon designs in Pokémon Sun and Moon, to help make this as gradual a process as possible for our fans.” Hijiro shouted as a large, hairy man dressed head-to-toe in pink Clefairy-adorned Pokémon merchandise made a quick, unsuccessful attempt to rush the stage, stopped by several members of the symposium’s security detail at the last second before reaching Spokesman Tajiri. “We’ve gathered together all the rejected designs submitted by our creative staff over the years, and from several members of the team’s elementary age children, and transformed them into real, new Pokémon to be included in Pokémon Sun and Moon along with our alternate version Pokémon from Pokémon Red, Blue, and Green. I mean, haven’t you ever wanted a donkey Pokémon that fights with dirt? Meet Mudbray! How about a dead-looking Pikachu that’s actually a ghost? Mimikyu may just be for you! How about a space debris Pokémon that can be broken in battle? Just watch out for Minior showers!”

As the remainder of the once massive crowd gathered before Hijiro for his panel then began to actively throw fan-made Pokéballs (and a couple of actual rocks they called “Geodudes”) at Mr. Sadokawa in mass, symposium security quickly shutdown his panel for the Nintendo spokesman’s safety, and closed the symposium early for the day, promising to post the remainder of Hijiro’s press release on their website for later viewing by event-goers in its entirety. It is unclear if that actually happened, however, as shortly after the time that Mr. Sadokawa’s speech was promised to appear on their website, hackers replaced the full contents of the symposium’s webspace with an animated .gif of Ash Ketchum from the Pokémon anime crying while surrounded by the logos for Pokémon Sun and Moon.

When asked on social media for a follow-up statement to his remarks at the Annual Ikebukuro August Handheld Gaming Symposium, Hijiro Sadokawa simply remarked “If they don’t like it, I guess there’s always Pokémon Go.” Multiple news outlets reported, however, in the following minute, 50% of the overweight, single male demographic of the world shrugged in unison while chorusing “Meh.”

Satoshi Tajiri did not return our calls for a comment, but unnamed sources report a 800% increase in the number of Kleenex boxes and gift cards for comfort food restaurants purchased from his Amazon Prime account and delivered to his residence in the days since the shocking announcement.

[SATIRE] Torch Runner Accidentally Starts a Dozen Wildfires with Olympic Flame

(Original Post: August 11, 2016)

As sports enthusiasts across the world have celebrated the opening of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, many local residents have found themselves too distracted with a much more pressing concern to focus on anything directly related to the famed international athletics competition. Specifically, one revolving around an unfortunate event that occurred during the much-lauded “running of the torch” that occurs before the start of every ancient and modern Olympics.

“He dropped the torch while running through our village.” reports Bernardo Gonzaga, resident of a small farming community located along the route run by Olympic athletes to light the torch in Rio de Janiero. “He dropped it right into my wife’s flower garden, and it went up like kindling! We are doing everything we can to keep the fire from spreading further, but it has already destroyed half the village, and the authorities refuse to allow us to throw water on it!”

“Attempting to extinguish the fire from an Olympic torch before the completion of the Olympic games is a sacrilege.” Andre de Santos from the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero confirmed to “Eye of Zatara” sources yesterday. “We simply cannot allow such a glaring insult to the 205 countries that have gathered in our good nation to share the spirit of brotherhood, comradery, and freedom that is born from the international competition exemplified in the Olympic games. We have advised Mr. Gonzaga and the other residents of Madeira Queima that they are free to dig trenches, put up sand bags, and take other purely defensive measures to prevent further spread of the Olympic flame, but they are not to use water or any other means to extinguish the fires until the conclusion of the Olympics competition on the 21st.”

Madeira Queima was not the only village apparently set ablaze by the clumsiness of this same Olympic torch runner, however.

“My husband and children barely made it out of our house alive. We knew the torch runner would be passing through our town that night, but, frankly, we were just too tired to try and greet him with the others from the village.” a frustrated and emotional Catalina Olivera Alvares explained to travelling CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, on Wednesday. “We should have been there. We should have been watching. Then, maybe we could have stopped him. Then, maybe, we would still have our home.”

It seems homes and villages were not the only areas affected by torch-runner-related wildfires, as well.

“It’s true this area is not heavily populated, but it is the only known habitat of the endangered Redwort Tree Frog, or, at least, it was,” European biologist Micheal Vandenshire of the International Scientific Cooperative for the Preservation of Endangered Amphibious Species explained to news blog “NowNews” on Tuesday. “I fear that due to the careless wielding of the Olympic torch that has so affected this once forested region, there may no longer be any living specimens of the creature remaining. It is unfortunate, as the slime from the Redwort had medicinal properties that some in our community believed could one day be used to treat a variety of ailments, or even create a cure for the common cold.”

Since all of these incidents occurred along what has been discovered to be the route of a single torch runner, multiple news outlets have attempted to reach out to the Olympics Committee and to local Rio de Janiero Olympic officiators to identify the person responsible for the now more than twelve confirmed wildfires, at least four of which are still continuing to spread across the fields and forests of the eastern Brazilian coastal region without waning. No party, thus far, has been forthcoming with this information.

“Eye of Zatara” sources attempted to follow-up from Andre de Santos from the Department of Public Health and Safety for further comment about this issue, but were advised he could not be reached, as he was recovering from smoke inhalation after attending a private ceremony to honor multiple local citizens involved in the implementation of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio, including all local torch runners, when the residence they were in inexplicably burst into flames.

[SATIRE] Local Crackpot Starts Nonsensical News Blog, the “Eye of Zatara”

(Original Post: August 6, 2016)

Near the end of his life, the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle once postulated that “If you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with infinite typewriters, they will eventually type the collective works of Shakespeare in their entirety.” His student, Socrates, later added “If you put a single monkey in a room with a single typewriter, and make him feel important enough, he’ll eventually start a blog.” To this end, web hosting was made prohibitively expensive throughout the duration of both the Greek and Roman Empires’ domination of the ancient world, and even well into the Middle Ages. In the current era, however, Big Macs and terrible television shows with titles starting with “The Real Housewives of” have numbed the collective unconscious of our current generation, causing affordable, reliable web hosting options to come into being that even crackpots, conspiracy theorists, and Green Party supporters can quickly and easily obtain. As a result, countless blogs on every topic from Big Macs to toothpicks to Gary Busey’s hair have come into being, wasting the time of millions of unfortunate family members and friends of these so-called “bloggers”, guilt-tripped into occasionally reading the garbage passed off as “content” by their loved ones while wading through an infinite number of Facebook posts from these “bloggers” advertising their gibberish. Eventually, even the closest relatives and companions of these pitiable victims of their own ignorance and ego are forced to remove the “blogger” from their Newsfeed, and sometimes “accidentally” de-friend them… repeatedly.

Case in point, a blog started by an experimental lobotomy patient calling himself “The Gatekeeper” – his blog, the “Eye of Zatara”, purports to be a news site, but the articles contained within have more to do with the reality of Lewis Carroll’s “The Jabberwocky” than with anything to be found on any earth-like planet I am aware of. Claiming to only be able to write under the influence of “an unhealthy amount of Crystal Pepsi and Yoohoo! chocolate drink, sometimes mixed together with multiple Zero bars”, The Gatekeeper has already accumulated a grand fool’s collection of useless, idiotic ramblings about subjects as diverse as movies, politics, video games, and anime. Generally, anything that triggers a psychotic break in our professional idiot seems to fair game for his next inspiration. Worse of all, he seems to have recently gotten his hands on a couple of free Photoshop knockoffs, yielding all the more twisted and terrifying results in his drool-like madman’s drippings of false and irrational non-fiction.

As “The Watchman”, I have been paid a very hefty thirty pieces of silver to announce the official opening of the “Eye of Zatara”, and, so have I done, even at the cost of the final ragged shreds of my personal integrity as a spokesman. Be warned, however, if you continue to peruse the offerings of the “Eye of Zatara”, whatever fate may befall your sanity is on your own head. I will not bear the blood guilt for your eventual and total declination into unsober madness. You have been warned. Whatever humor may be found in The Gatekeeper’s articles, whatever sharp and witty criticism of current events, whatever insightful analysis of the world around him… you are only killing your own brain cells giving in to his facade of offering you humor. You will come to regret it. So, sit back, enjoy reading about Donald Trump’s selection of Welch’s Grape Juice for a running mate, Tesla installing an Autopilot into Doctor Who’s Tardis, and Cthulhu’s inclusion as a leading actor in the new Ghostbusters Reboot. Enjoy, until one day, you laugh your way straight into a straight jacket, giggling and spitting up on yourself while seeing imaginary butterflies spinning around your head under the light of a perfect, hot pink full moon you can see through the window of the hospital repairing your broken bones after you ran out into the street catching Pokemans with a burlap sack because the voices in your head told you to. That is the future that awaits this blog’s readers.

Again, you have been warned.

~The Watchman

Wow, a strong endorsement from The Watchman. Thumbs up! Keep reading “The Eye of Zatara”! New content coming soon, once I get some more Crystal Pepsi! 😉

~The Gatekeeper

…

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] “Pokémon Go” Announced as First Computer Virus Capable of Spreading to Human Host

(Original Post: July 11, 2016)

Bulbasaur Cubone

As downloads of popular game application, “Pokémon Go” continue to skyrocket with more and more users immersing themselves in the augmented reality cell phone game by the day, Intel Security Group, makers of the popular “McAfee” line of anti-virus solutions, announced today that based upon their studies of smartphone memory, battery, and data use, as well as a suspiciously high number of real world money transactions initiated by the program, “Pokémon Go” will be re-classified as “malware/virus” by the next updates to their computer and mobile device software.

In addition, Intel Security Group has sent an open letter to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, asking that immediate action be taken to identify “Pokémon Go” as a Class A contagion capable of effecting human beings in the same way as their smartphones.

“While we are not as proficient in diagnosing infection in human beings as we are in computers and mobile devices, the signs are all there.” reads Intel Security Group’s open letter, “The normal functions of a human being effected by Pokémon Go are rapidly and increasing superseded by the demands of the Pokémon Go virus, henceforth referred to as ‘Niantic’s Disease’. An effected human begins to forego normal social interactions and activities while dedicating exponentially growing amounts of time, attention, energy, financial resources, and conveyance to increase the ‘level’ of the virus within their body, the human gradually beginning to lose the ability to differentiate between the real world and that of Pokémon Go, claiming to see imaginary creatures all around them at home, work, and school that unaffected friends and family can clearly attest are not really there, and finding themselves drawn to reclusive churches, statues, parks, landmarks, and restaurants at all hours of the day, these locations having been identified by McAfee security software experts as habitats which supply the essential ‘Items’ fed upon by Niantic’s Disease in order to sustain itself. This is clearly not normal human behavior, and most closely resembles a form of parasitic infection.”

While some have shot back at Intel Security Group’s conclusions, calling them “unfounded”, “unrealistic”, and, in some cases, “discriminatory against Pokénthusiasts.”, major pharmaceutical corporation Pfizer has taken up Intel Security Group’s call to arms, saying their biochemical researchers have also come to the same conclusion, but are currently in development of a medication that has proven in early tests to reverse the devastating effects of Niantic’s Disease on the human body and mind.

“The name of the medication is ‘Rocketeem’.” Pfizer spokesman James Jessen announced Friday during an open press conference at a restaurant Pokéstop in New York City with a lure model attached. “Once it officially earns FDA approval, it can be purchased from any local pharmacy or the Google Play Store. It will likely be covered under most traditional health care plans, but can also be bought without a prescription either in cash or in Pokécoins.”

“There is a catch, however.” Mr. Jessen explained, after plugging his almost dead cell phone into a nearby power outlet to recharge. “‘Rocketeem’ can only sever one’s affliction by Niantic’s Disease completely if, after taking a dose of ‘Rocketeem’, the user then rids themselves of all further poisonous connection to the Pokémon Go contagion by freely trading all of their Pokémon and items to another Pokémon Go User, once that option is available, and then deleting the Pokémon Go app from their phone. To this end, Pfizer is setting up their own Pokémon Go account, user name HailGiovanni, that you will be able to donate your collection of Pokémon and items to.”

Mr. Jessen paused for a second to spin the photo circle at his Pokéstop before continuing.

“We sincerely hope this will make the recovery process a little easier for the victims of Niantic’s Disease.”

[SATIRE] Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH

(Original Post: July 7, 2016)

In yet another shocking report revealed today by Tesla Motors concerning their experimental, self-driving “AutoPilot” system, officials in the small town of Hill Valley, California have confirmed the disappearance of one Martin J. McFly in what has been described as “a brilliant flash of otherworldly light leaving two tire tracks of fire extending forward on the road along the projected path of his vehicle”. Mr. McFly, a local delinquent with a history of assault convictions due to what several prosecutors have called a “hair trigger temper instantly ignited by the utterance of the common name for domesticed poultry”, had reportedly come across a Tesla AutoPilot system during a short-lived part time job at a mechanic’s shop, and, on a dare, installed the AutoPilot into a neighbor’s classic Delorean DMC-12 sedan before taking the then stolen vehicle on a brief, computer-guided joy ride.

Mr. McFly’s parents are grief-stricken about his disappearance just over a week ago today, but have refused to give up hope that their boy will someday return to them.

“I just know Marty’s still alive out there somewhere…” his mother, Mrs. McFly babbled, while stuffing her face with a handful of gravy-covered mashed potatoes from a popular fast food restaurant before washing the starchy appetizer down with a glass of cheap wine. “I got a post card from him the other day. Postmarked 1985. I don’t really understand that part, but the point is that my boy is still doing fine, living his life somewhere near… what appears to be a working clock tower, although the photo’s kind of grainy.”

“I’d say it was actually Hill Valley,” his mother added, “but our clock tower hasn’t worked in years.”

Reporters have attempted to interview the owner of the stolen Delorean, a local scientist and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, but our sources report that Hill Valley officials ended this line of investigation due to “Mr. Brown’s clearly declining mental state”.

“GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???” Mr. Brown screamed obliviously into our reporter’s face as she attempted to interview him earlier this morning concerning Mr. McFly’s sudden disappearance. “NO… NO… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. I CAN’T KNOW. ANY LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME COULD CAUSE A TEMPORAL PARADOX THAT THREATENS TO TEAR A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! OR WORSE, YOUR ADVISING ME OF THE PAST, COULD CAUSE OUR TIMELINE TO VEER OFF INTO AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE, WHERE THE ACTOR, RONALD REAGAN, IS ACTUALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND WHO KNOWS HOW THAT WOULD EFFECT THINGS? THIS ISN’T GOOD. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I’VE GOT TO GO BACK! DON’T YOU AGREE, EINSTEIN? I’VE GOT TO GO BACK NOW!”

“Um… Go where?” our reporter then asked nervously, reaching anxiously for the small can of mace hidden somewhere deep within her purse beneath a couple recently purchased CDs from a band called “The Starlighters”.

“WHAT? YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND? WHY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, OF COURSE!”

At this point, our reporter immediately terminated the interview, fearing for her safety as a result of Mr. Brown’s clearly aggitated and incoherent mental state, and running for the door as quickly as possible before driving off in one of our news vans also at ironically about 88 MPH.

Hill Valley officials say the search for Mr. McFly’s current whereabouts is ongoing, but advise the public not to automatically assume the Tesla AutoPilot system is to blame before the completion of their full investigation.

“It is clear that Delorean DMC-12s do not usually disappear into thin air in the middle of shopping mall parking lots while leaving nothing but a spinning ‘OUTATIME’ vanity plate and trails of sparks and flame on the ground behind them.” Local police chief James Strickland was quoted this morning during a formal press conference on the subject. “Nonetheless, we have learned that Mr. McFly had recently gotten involved in betting on horse races, so we are continuing to investigate this and other angles until Mr. McFly’s whereabouts can, at last, be confirmed.”

“He may also be operating under the alias of ‘Calvin Klein’.” Chief Strickland later added.

When a reporter from BBC News asked if there were any updates on a similar case involving a Tesla AutoPilot system being installed in 1960s London police box held by a collector in Hill Valley before the makeshift transportation device also disappeared without a trace. Mr. Strickland’s only reply was that “The Master” would not allow him to speak on the topic any further. The press conference was then abruptly terminated, and all attendees were advised to watch out for statues going home.