Satire – Page 5 – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Man Forgets Old Acquaintances, Childhood Friends, Co-Workers – Cannot Bring Them to Mind

(Original Post: January 1, 2017)

A man in New York City has filed suit against a small circle of friends at a New Year’s Eve party he attended last night claiming that after a rousing rendition of the classic New Year’s Eve carol, “Auld Lang Syne”, by their host, the highly suggestible 38 year resident of the Bronx took the song to heart and “let old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind,” and now cannot remember the names or faces of multiple childhood friends, high school classmates, church acquaintances, and co-workers, causing considerable damage to both his social identity and reputation as a result.

“I work at a furniture store on 2017th Street,” the now acquaintance-less Bernie Roberts of New York explained to Michael Hamden of CBC News earlier this afternoon, “Unlike many other businesses in the area, we were open on New Year’s Day promoting a special sale of up to 50% off select furniture, but when I arrived for my shift, I suddenly realized I didn’t recognize more than one or two of my co-workers, and everyone else was just a blank. I tried my best to pretend that nothing was wrong, but the jig was up pretty quick when I made a crack about how ridiculous it was we were open on New Year’s Day, completely unaware that I was speaking to our boss who had made that very decision. I was nearly fired on the spot. Only by explaining my condition was I able to get out of termination, and only after promising to work extra shifts on my days off for the next couple of months. It’s awful, and it’s all that darned New Year’s song’s fault!”

His career was not the only part of his life affected by the sudden short and long-term memory loss, however, if Mr. Roberts is to be believed.

“Our in-laws are in town for the holidays. You should have seen the look on my wife’s face when I could not remember her mother’s name.” Mr. Roberts admitted with a growing looking of desperation in his eyes. “I thought she was a door-to-door salesman. I told her to ‘Go bother someone else.’ before my wife came out, right on time to hear what I said. I, uh… well, Margerie… my, um, wife hasn’t exactly come home since that…”

Trying to determine the extent of his memory loss, Mr. Roberts opened up his Farcebook account to see how many of his friends on the popular social media site he could still remember. The results were not encouraging.

“Of 207 friends, I can clearly remember about 13.” Mr. Roberts admitted sadly, beginning to grow uncomfortable the more he talked about his unbelievable condition. “Most of them were close family members, a a few of my better friends, and my pastor. Thank goodness I can still remember him. He’s the one I called after Margerie… left with her parents. It’s probably only because we really connected at this big church barbeque in November. Apparently, he’s a big Steelers fan like me, which is pretty rare here in New York.”

When asked how his plan to sue his few remaining friends would help to alleviate his potentially permanent personal damage, Mr. Roberts paused for a moment before giving his answer.

“It won’t. But, perhaps…” Mr. Roberts said with a heavy sigh. “It will give me the resources to get the help I need, or, at the very least, the resources I need to move on…”

At this point in the interview, an unnamed “Eye of Zatara” source allowed to tag along on the CBC News interview due to a personal connection with Mr. Hamden interjected, much to the chagrin of the intrepid CBC News reporter.

“You realize the lyrics about forgetting acquaintances in ‘Auld Lang Syne’ are rhetorical, right?”

“Wha… what?” Bernie Roberts answered shakily, horrified at what he was hearing.

“It’s a rheotorical question. It’s not actually telling you to forget all your old acquaintances. It’s asking whether it’s a good thing to let good friendships be lost in the passage of time. It’s really more of a call to remember your old friends, not forget them.”

“I… I see…” Mr. Roberts answered, his voice cracking with raw emotion. “I didn’t… I really didn’t… know that.”

At this point, the CBC News interview had to be terminated as the interviewee, Mr. Bernie Roberts of New York, had an emotional breakdown in the middle of Michael Hamden’s office, and had to be forcibly removed from the building by security. There are currently no scheduled plans to continue the interview any time soon.

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Driven from State of Kentucky By Angry Mob

(Original Post: January 1, 2017)

In startling news affecting all staff of “The Eye of Zatara”, an angry mob of protesters, furious after learning that most of the articles of the blog were satirical, chased co-editors “The Gatekeeper” and “The Watchman” clean out of the state brandishing a variety of firearms, pitchforks, and “poking sticks”, despite a failed attempt by “The Gatekeeper” to sing Stephen Foster’s “My Old Kentucky Home” to soothe the crowd.

The musical tribute to his home state worked at first, until “The Gatekeeper” could no longer correctly remember his state song’s lyrics, and began to blur them with the words from other, more generally patriotic tunes, singing “The day goes by like a shadow o’er the heart, With bombs bursting all through the long night, The time has come when red rockets blow apart, All but the flag in the dawn’s early light.” and “Weep no more my lady, for amber waves of grain! For the flag still waves o’er my old Kentucky home, and o’er its purple mountains, home to free and brave.”

At this point, the angry mob howled with bestial fury and a Husqvarna chainsaw was revved up from somewhere in their midst, causing The Gatekeeper and The Watchman to completely abandon any hope of calming their pursuers, and flee for their lives as far south of their former Kentucky brethren as possible, ultimately disappearing in the misty bayous of Louisiana to shake off the last of their dogged hunters before having their possessions transported to a northern New Orleans area safehouse to continue their questionable blogging practices.

“It was inevitable,” The Watchman reported, out of breath, once he and The Gatekeeper had, at last, made it out of mortal danger from their pursuers. “For years, the kind people of Kentucky put up with the growing madness of The Gatekeeper as he honed his undefinable mix of real life inspiration, witty satire, gibberish-like nonsense, subtle references to popular culture, and pure, all-consuming madness. It was only natural that as his ridiculousness reached its peak in the creation of ‘The Eye of Zatara’ blog, it would garner a little backlash from those who had hit the maximum limit of mental destruction from The Gatekeeper that their psyches could bear. Frankly, it is a true compliment to the people of Kentucky that they even lasted so long. We can only pray that our new friends and neighbors in Louisiana will be able to hold out half as long as The Gatekeeper’s delusional tendencies continue still to grow…”

As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” staff is safe and sound, and will be producing new content for their blog as soon as possible, unwilling to let a “little thing” like being forcibly driven from their homes stop their right to free expression.

“The Watchman tried to say I should tone it down a bit.” The Gatekeeper admitted, shaking his head, speaking to unnamed “The Eye of Zatara” supporters in an underground bunker earlier this morning. “Tone it down? Like I can tone down the truth! People need to know about Lex Luthor selling Kryptonite rocks via Nordstorm, CBC creating a new Christmas special about Blixo, the ‘Red State Reindeer’, and a ‘Rurouni Kenshin – Super!’ anime and manga coming soon to Japan. My colleague, The Watchman, may call it ‘satire’, but I call it ‘investigative journalism’, and will continue to use the platform ‘The Eye of Zatara’ affords me to inform the American people about these important news stories overlooked by the mainstream media.”

The Gatekeeper then spiked up his hair and gave a thumbs up, before attempting to sound like an immature child.

“That’s my Nindo, my Ninja Way! Believe it!”

“Heaven help us…” The Watchman reportedly added, sighing and shaking his head with a very exhausted look on his face. “I feel like the straight man in a Sonic Drive-In commercial…”

Whatever their future holds, it seems clear that “The Eye of Zatara” plans to continue producing new content in 2017, albeit from their new base location in southeastern Louisiana. As infuriated Kentuckians give up the search one by one for the state’s former residents, and an innocent flock of Louisianians gradually begin to become aware of the insane Frankenstein’s monster now dwelling among them, “The Eye of Zatara” bids a sad farewell to the state that put up with them and their nonsense far longer than seems humanly possible, wondering how long it will be before the next mob drives them away again to another distant corner of the vast Continental United States or far beyond…

[SATIRE] “Blixo the Red State Reindeer” and the Evil Grummold Grump!

(Original Post: December 23, 2016)
*Read to the bottom for a special holiday message from the “Eye of Zatara”.

From the makers of “Wendy’s Frosty the Tasty Snowman” and the writers of “It’s the Offensive St. Patrick’s Day Irish Stereotype, Charlie Brown!”, this Christmas Day, experience a new holiday classic unlike any you’ve ever seen before. Gather your politically-informed children around the tree and roast chestnuts on a burning collection of your multiple “I Voted” stickers while witnessing the untold story of Santa’s favorite back-up reindeer, “Blixo”, as he sets out on his own magical holiday adventure of social enlightenment in “Blixo, the Red State Reindeer,” premiering Christmas Day on your local CBC affiliate station!

Join Blixo, an otherwise happy and friendly little reindeer from the heavily Republican-controlled state of Texas, as under the influence of conservative talk radio and the Fox News Channel, he fails to identify newly-elected King of the North Pole, the sinister Grummold Grump, as the racist, con artist, and hatemonger that he is, spouting patent absurdities like “Why not at least give him a chance?” or “Maybe you shouldn’t call him a fascist just because you disagree with him politically?”

Everything changes for Blixo, however, after his more tolerant and compassionate friends block him one by one on Facebook until, at last, the lonely little reindeer (and hopefully your more independent-thinking children, as well!) realizes through social shaming and absolute conformity of idea the error of having his own opinion without being looked down on or insulted. Unable to bear the election of Grummold Grump any longer, Blixo joins Rudolph and the gang in a riotous romp of rage and vandalism through the streets of Santa’s Christmas Town, coming upon Mr. Grump’s wife just as she prepares to board a commercial sleigh flight, and shouting her down with entitlement-driven insults and anger.

In the end, Blixo learns that the greatest Christmas present of all is to use the power of social media to paint everyone he disagrees with personally and politically as a World-War-starting dictator, and to never accept or respect the results of any election unless it conforms exactly with his own opinion. The song at the end of the tale summarizes the entire wondrous holiday story, and will keep your children singing happily throughout the remainder of our country’s brief existence before the “End of Days” (the coming inauguration of President-Elect Donald J. Trump). As a thank you for all your support of the CBC Network this year, we’ve gone ahead and included the lyrics for this new musical classic at the end of this article below. Teach your children the words ahead of time for extra social justice bonus points – it’s like saving a tree, but without any of that exhausting cost and sacrifice that saving a tree normally requires!

Happy all-inclusive, not-necessarily-religious, government-sanctioned Work Holidays, Everyone!

***

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
They all voted rightly, even that rogue Blitzen
But where you aware?
Of the Red State Reindeer who just didn’t care?

Popular leftist opinion,
Says that Grummold Grump is mean,
And if you dare a challenge,
You’ll verbally have your clock cleaned.
All of the other reindeer are tolerant as they can be,
Clearly, if you voted for Grump, you must be a racist, see?

Blixo is a reindeer from a Red State – yes, those old hicks,
Who aren’t educated enough to vote right, probably because they’re from the sticks.

So, if you aren’t a hater,
Compare Grump to Hitler on Facebook,
Otherwise, next time I see you,
I’ll give you that judgmental look.

You know the one I reference,
That liberal-guilt-filled, judgmental look!

***
EDIT: Seriously, people, all the Gatekeeper’s ridiculousness and cleverish satire aside, I know those of you on the left don’t like Donald Trump, and can’t stand the fact that he won the election. I didn’t vote for him, either. (I actually voted Independent for the first and hopefully last time ever.) But, can we all tone down the rhetoric a little? Donald Trump is no Mother Teresa, but he’s not Hitler, he’s not Stalin, he’s just a very egotistical man who got elected because people are so tired of being lied to by the political establishment that they were willing to vote for anyone that promised them something different who actually looked like he had a shot of winning and doing a decent job of leading the country. As we approach Christmas Day, the time many of us celebrate our Lord and Savior’s miraculous birth, and a commonly-recognized time of peace and joy for even those without strong religious belief, can we not come together for a few days as a country and agree to some boundary lines beyond which we won’t go in insulting people we disagree with politically? Just something to think about…

Merry Christmas, Everyone.

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] “Leather Wrapped Stone” Sells Out at Nordstrom; Lex Luthor Takes Credit

(Original Post: December 13, 2016)

As part of an ingenius plan to finally kill the heroic “Man of Steel”, evil supervillain mastermind Lex Luthor confirmed today that the $85 “Medium Leather Wrapped Stone” recently sold out at Nordstrom stores throughout the country for previously inexplicable reasons was, in fact, supplied to the popular department store chain and marketed by his company, LexCorp, and is comprised mostly of radioactive Kryptonite, a greenish element foreign to Earth’s periodic table that serves as the only known weakness to the otherwise indestructible defender of “Truth, Justice, and the American Way”, Superman.

“The discovery of a new Kryptonite meteor in the Los Angeles area left me with an excellent opportunity.” Lex Luthor announced cockily to a slightly agitated looking Clark Kent from the Daily Planet at a press conference event earlier this morning. “To put Kryptonite in the home of countless otherwise innocent citizens throughout the country, putting Superman in a ‘Russian Roulette’ situation where entering any well-to-do residence to help its inhabitants could very well lead to his untimely death, as the particle emissions released by Kryptonite are not only toxic to all Kryptonian life forms, but even close proximity to them can rob someone like the ‘Man of Steel’ of his superpowers, leaving him no more powerful than, say, our Mr. Kent here.”

Marketed as a “paperweight”, “conversation piece”, or “work of art”, depending on its owner’s subjective whim, the “Leather Wrapped Stone” is now nearly impossible to find, as it is not only completely sold out on Nordstrom’s website, but sold out in nearly all of its individual local stores, as well, despite appearing to be little more than a common pebble in a fancy leather half-pouch resembling something a child might make at Boy Scout Camp for their parents. When asked how he managed to convince otherwise intelligent, hard-working citizens to invest so much money into something they could easily pick up on the side of the road for free, Lex Luthor simply smiled as a second figure approached from the back of the room to share the podium with him.

“That was my doing,” a tall, bald humanoid with inhuman-looking green skin spoke ominously and somewhat condescendingly to the crowd of reporters gathered at the early morning LexCorp press conference. “As a 12th level intellect, creating an advertising campaign capable of tricking people with too much money on their hands into purchasing a glorified sling stone was child’s play once Mr. Luthor here provided the Kryptonite to fulfill his part of the plan. Soon, as our ‘Leather Wrapped Stones’ find themselves in more and more homes, offices, and businesses; moving from residential table and countertops to workplace desks, department store shelves, and countless other locations unforeseen even to the great Superman himself, he will find it impossible to safely continue to help the people of Metropolis or anywhere else in the country, and will be forced to either retire his cape of superheroism, or eventually die after rushing into a smoke-filled room on fire, store being robbed, or home collapsing due to earthquake, only to he himself fall by the hands of one of these lethal, Kryptonian-killing ‘conversation pieces’.”

“One question if I could, Mr. Luthor, and um… Acquaintance.” Michael Hamden of CBC News interjected, getting a little closer to the podium after a sweating and suddenly sick-looking Clark Kent excused himself from the press conference, the journalist glancing over his shoulder at a sample “Leather Wrapped Stone” sitting on a display table in front of Mr. Luther beside a mason jar of “Granny’s Peach Tea” and large, unopened bag of “Jolly Ranchers” candies.

“…it’s Brainiac.” the otherworldly green man answered Mr. Hamden coldly.

“Yes, Mr. Luthor and Mr. Brainiac.” Michael Hamden stuttered a little nervously, before continuing on with his query. “If you’re trying to kill Superman with these Kryptonite rocks, why announce it to the public? Why announce it to the world? Doesn’t that seem a little counterproductive to your goals here?”

Lex Luthor smiled before taking back the podium from his otherworldly supervillain accomplice.

“What does it matter?” Lex’s cocky grin grew wider as he revealed the depth of his criminal genius for all the world to see. “The Kryptonite stones have all already been purchased. They’re being shipped to houses across the country as we speak. They’re being laid in ribbon-wrapped boxes beneath the boughs of lavishly-decorated trees of the well-to-do where they will sleep undisturbed until the joy of Christmas morning. Don’t you see, Mr. Hamden? The deed is done! I’ve already won! I’ve convinced a nation of fools to buy their own coal for loved ones this holiday season, and now Superman – even almighty Superman – has not the power to stop me. Merry Christmas, Son of Krypton! Merry Christmas, oh great Man of Steel! There is no Grinch to steal Christmas this year, so fly down chimneys to rescue the weak and poor if you dare, but, know, a glowing surprise may be waiting around the tree to deck your halls – and it’s not Rudolph’s nose shining so bright this time.”

Lex Luthor then ended the scheduled press conference by cackling maniacally at the top of his lungs, before awkwardly trying to force multiple people around him to eat Jolly Ranchers for no reason. The “Man of Steel”, Superman, could not be reached by “Eye of Zatara” sources for comment, but a paranoid-looking Batman has reportedly purchased several new “Leather Wrapped Stones” found hidden in the back of a Nordstrom warehouse in Gotham City several hours ago “just in case [I] need to make him bleed again”. Fellow “Justice League of America” member Aquaman has also made himself available for comment, but has not received any inquiries or questions from the media at this time, resulting in several tweets of “:(” from the water-based superhero in the last several hours, all of which were ignored by his three Twitter followers.

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” 2016 – Madness in Review

Greetings from the only sane editor at the “Eye of Zatara”, the most reluctant affiliate of this otherworldly madness-inducing tabloid known as “The Watchman”.

Now that “The Gatekeeper “has returned from his much-too-short one week hiatus, I feel obligated by conscience to remind this blog’s unknowing victims of the sheer and utter insanity that threatens to infect them like a plague, seeping little by little into their psyche since this blog’s official opening just over four months ago, and perhaps longer for those first exposed to the Gatekeeper’s writings through association on social media.

2016 Brackets – An Objective Analysis – The Gatekeeper began his voyage into mental chaos with this nonsensical set of “brackets” for “March Madness” 2016, featuring such match-ups as St. Joseph’s Hospital versus the Cincinnati Reds and Professor Charles Xavier versus Sir Austin Lloyd Weber State. Utter nonsense.

Clinton Clinton 2016 – In this article, The Gatekeeper announces Hillary Clinton’s choice of Vice President in the 2016 election race – her husband, Bill Clinton.

Ghostbusters??? – A quick look at 2016’s Ghostbusters movie, with Dave Thomas and Jar Jar Binks as main characters, according to the picture.

Ghostbusters??? (Updated) – An even more bizarre analysis of 2016’s Ghostbusters, featuring the starship Enterprise, Casper the Friendly Ghost, and some sort of interdimensional Ronald McDonald monster.

Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War – Some sort of strange rendition of the Captain America poster with chocolate and strawberry beverages mixed into the picture?

Hadron Collider Shutdown Caused by Weasel; Officials Dismiss Reports of “Metahumans” – This one is at least somewhat true. A weasel did chew into some wiring on CERN’s hadron collider in Switzerland. I’m not sure anyone brought up metahumans other than The Gatekeeper, though…

A Mother’s Day Tribute – This is The Gatekeeper’s idea of a touching holiday moment. Oh, I wish it were as simple as it sounded…

Make America Grape Again – Back to politics, now Donald Trump is announcing the entire company behind Welch’s grape juice as his running mate, so he can “Make America Grape Again”. Whatever.

Orange You Tired of Trump? – A collection of additional images related to the last article about Republican presidential hopefuls and their company vice presidents – Tropicana Products included.

Yoohoo Civil War [A Biased and Unfair Review] – Continuing on the theme of “Captain America: Civil War” being “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War”, here’s the first full review from The Gatekeeper’s friend, Donovan Savage, from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine, which, as of yet, I have yet to actually confirm even exists.

Gavin Woods Announces “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”, First X-Men Movie About a Horse – Here’s a particularly weird one. According to The Gatekeeper, director Gavin Woods has announced the next X-Men movie to be about “X-Aggerator”, who I can only assume to be related to the Preakness winning horse “Exaggerator” from this year. You should probably skip this one.

Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC – “It was like something was missing from who I used to be… That’s when my doctor told me about Psycho.” Yeah, that pretty much summarizes it all right there.

Cardassiexit – Planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV Votes Out of the Cardassian Union – Apparently, a Star Trek planet voted itself out of the Cardassian Union, coincidentally, about the same time that “Brexit” occurred. It is amazing how The Gatekeeper’s mind works, in a very twisted way. Think Salvador Dali’s melted clocks, except those clocks are sanity itself.

Next Windows Version Cancelled After Project Lead Doesn’t Know What Comes After 10 – So, a programmer doesn’t know how to count beyond 10? Uh huh… ok. It is true that Windows is not planning to make another version of Windows for a while, and will just be sticking with Windows 10 and upgrading it. I doubt it’s because their Project Lead can’t count, however.

“Crisis of Character” and the Fox News Scandal – Ok, this one actually made me laugh a little. Heaven help me for admitting that. Apparently, Hillary Clinton hits someone with a book? Take a look for yourself if you want. After all, who really needs coherent thought? Not The Gatekeeper, clearly.

Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH – Apparently, this is one of The Gatekeeper’s favorite articles. Yes, the name of the teen is Martin J. McFly. You can probably figure out the rest. There may also be a “Doctor Who” reference in there somewhere.

“Pokémon Go” Announced as First Computer Virus Capable of Spreading to Human Host – So, “Pokémon Go” is a computer virus. I guess we’ve all developed antibodies, then? Sorry, that may be a little of my personal bias showing there. Forgive my unprofessionalism. Also, the Pfizer spokesman in this article is named “James Jessen”. Subtle, Gatekeeper. Subtle.

Local Crackpot Starts Nonsensical News Blog, the “Eye of Zatara” – Ah, here we go! My first article! Here is where I warned you and everyone else not to read this terrible blog before I officially accepted the position of co-editor. (Why in the world did I do that, come to think of it? It’s not like I get paid for this.) Why are you still here reading this new article? Save your sanity and hit “Back” on your browser immediately! Sigh. You’re not listening, are you?

Torch Runner Accidentally Starts a Dozen Wildfires with Olympic Flame – This was the first new article posted to the “Eye of Zatara” after its official launch on August 6th. Something about a clumsy torch runner dropping sacred Olympic fire everywhere and burning down some Brazilian villages. It’s more plausible than most things on this site, at least.

Nintendo “Out of Ideas for New Pokémon”; New Games Will Feature Old Pokémon in New Colors – I haven’t picked it up yet, but Pokémon Sun and Moon actually look pretty good to me. They’ve gotten good reviews, too. Apparently, The Gatekeeper thinks otherwise. Read his ridiculousness by clicking the link above if you dare.

Flash Season 3 Antagonist Revealed – Usain Bolt!!! – And here the Arrowverse articles begin with The Gatekeeper claiming Olympic athlete Usain Bolt is the Season 3 antagonist for The Flash. He’s certainly fast enough, that’s true, at least.

Players Excited About Upcoming Pokémon Go Feature – “Fun” – Another Pokémon Go article. This time, a little more negative than the last. There’s some sort of bickering between school kids, some comments supposedly from Niantic, a YouTube video from a real life Meowth dressed like a human – the usual irrationality from The Gatekeeper’s writing.

Arrow Season Five’s Antagonist Has “Failed Everyone” – Yes, it’s Zach Synder, the director for “Batman v. Superman – Dawn of Justice”. Did you really expect anything less from “The Eye of Zatara”?

“Star Trek: Discovery” Delayed Until May After Executive Producer Insulted by High Schooler – Apparently, adults can be bullied, too, and it’s for this reason that The Gatekeeper believes “Star Trek: Discovery” was delayed. If it ends up being anywhere near as disappointing as “Star Trek: Enterprise”, it can be delayed forever for all I care.

Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster – Here is where “The Eye of Zatara”‘s source, “DC-TV-Spoilers.Com” claims that a time travelling speedster is the reason their information about Usain Bolt and Zach Synder being the antagonists of the next seasons of Flash and Arrow was wrong. I suppose that’s also why Trump’s Vice President-Elect is no longer Welch’s Food Products, too? How convenient. Luke Cage is also mentioned here. Good show.

2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP! – I don’t even know what to say about this one. Doesn’t that newspaper actually say “Dewey Defeats Truman”? I know it’s folded so that you can only see “Trum”, but still…

Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media – This one’s actually rather complex. It looks like it covers everything from the Trump election backlash to the “Hamilton” cast calling out our new Vice President-Elect to Keifer Sutherland’s television career, and something about an employee at Ikea. It might be worth reading if it wasn’t so totally and utterly crazy.

Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review] – Donovan Savage is back, and, this time, he’s reviewing a movie from last year. How… topical.

Our First Sponsor – “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans – Oh, look! Our first sponsor, driven off by The Gatekeeper immediately after affiliating themselves with us! I have no idea what all this “wolf” stuff The Gatekeeper was talking about means, but I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of it, as much as that thought very much disturbs me…

Weekly Shonen Jump Announces “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” for January 2017 – Oh, look, The Gatekeeper likes anime, too! How wonderful. (I’m being sarcastic.) This was yesterday’s article, so this pretty much catches us up. It looks like The Gatekeeper changed the article picture since yesterday. The white background looks better than the pale yellow, so a rare moment of intelligence from my fellow editor there. On another note, if you haven’t seen “Dragon Ball Super” yet, I would definitely recommend it.

Thank you for sticking with me through that exhaustive look at the 29 other posts to “The Eye of Zatara” this year, with my summary here bringing us to exactly 30. I’m sure now that The Gatekeeper’s back in full swing, we’ll still have several more holiday or otherwise-themed scraps of gibberish to look over before the end of the year, so, if you care nothing for your ability to continue distinguishing fiction from reality, stay tuned to the “Eye of Zatara” in the coming weeks. Your local sanitarium will thank you for it!

~The Watchman

Thanks, Watchman. Your kind support of my work is welcome, as always! Remind me to send you a Crystal Pepsi for your trouble. Happy National Edit an Article on Your Own Blog Day!

~The Gatekeeper

There is no such day. Stay out of my articles, you oddly literate lunatic.

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] Weekly Shonen Jump Announces “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” for January of 2017

(Original Post: December 8, 2016)

In an exciting move meant to reinvigorate their fan base after the incredibly disappointing final chapters of “Bleach” earlier this year, “Weekly Shonen Jump” magazine spokesman Akira Natsuhara announced today the return of one of its most beloved franchises in form of “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!”, a continuation of the original “Rurouni Kenshin” storyline concluded by Nobuhiro Watsuki well over a decade ago in which main character, Kenshin Himora, awakens the power of the “Super Battosai God” inside him to battle against a litany of new, supernatural villains that take the form of deities in the Rurouni Kenshin universe far above the abilities and skills of the humans Kenshin had battled up to this point as the legendary “Battosai the Manslayer”.

Written by Nobuhiro Watsuki himself, the annoucement of “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” has quickly become one of the biggest trending topics on popular anime news sites. Even so, not all reaction to it has been positive. Akira Toriyama, artist and writer of the classic Shonen Jump manga “Dragon Ball Z” tweeted yesterday that he believes “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” to be a direct plagiarism of his new Dragon Ball series, “Dragon Ball Super”, and will henceforth be changing the name of the series to “Dragon Ball Super Duper” in order to avoid any confusion with Watsuki’s “imitation”. Watsuki shot back in protest several hours later, tweeting that he doesn’t see how his idea for “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” can be considered a ripoff of Toriyama’s “Dragon Ball Super” when “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” has the word “Super” offset by a hyphen on one side and exclamation point on the other, while Toriyama’s “Dragon Ball Super” just has the word Super “sitting out there in the open without any real emphasis on it at all”.

Since then, rumors have begun to circulate about a supposed new manga by Yoshihiro Togashi entitled “Yu Yu Hakusho – Ultra!!!” and a possible new series by Hideaki Anno named “Super Neon Genesis Evangelion Mega :)!!!!!!!” Yoshihiro Togashi could not be reached for comment about his new work as he was busy taking his sweet time with a new chapter of “Hunter x Hunter”, but Hideaki Anno did respond to inquiries about “Super Neon Genesis Evangelion Mega :)!!!!!!”, but only by quoting random passages from a Jewish Torah, mumbling something nonsensical about Sigmund Freud, and alluding to his past childhood traumas and fears. None of the bloggers polled about his response could give a clear answer as to what it meant. New logos for “Dragon Ball Super” have surfaced, as well, now calling the series “Super Dragon Ball Super Duper Ultra – Mega – Deluxe Ultimate Premium Alpha Edition!!! XoXoXoXoXoX!!!!!!!!!!”, the new graphics supposedly from an ever increasingly irritated Akira Toriyama, who will now only refer to Nobuhiro Watsuki by the nickname of “Captain Ginyu”, saying Watsuki has “stolen the body of [my] work for his gain, and left me helpless and injured”.

Multiple eyewitnesses close to Toriyama have reported significant signs of stress physically visible on his body, including a sickly reddish hue present in his hair and eyes, and a possible lapse into alcoholism as he walks around asking people for “Beers” while slurring the word as “Beerus”. Alcoholism may also be a cause of diuresis in Toriyama according to reports of him talking about needing to “Whis”. After hearing these disturbing accounts, many fellow manga artists have jumped in to show their love and support for Akira Toriyama, and his impressive body of work. Natsuki Takaya sent a Fruits Basket to Toriyama to boost his general health through better nutrition, while Tite Kubo sent him Bleach specifically to counteract the reported change in hair color. Eiichiro Oda apparently put together an entire care package of food and sweets to cheer up the frustrated Toriyama, but left it in some forgotten, undisclosed location, only able to remember that the care package is somewhere in his home, unopened and in One Piece. Hiro Mashima has openly dismissed all reports of Akira Toriyama’s hair changing color as a Fairy Tail, but says he wishes his fellow manga artist well.

Despite pushback from Akira Toriyama, “Weekly Shonen Jump” magazine plans to continue pushing forward with a January 2017 time table for the beginning of “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!”‘s serialization. Talks of an anime version of the manga are already in the works, and Nobuhiro Watsuki says he cannot be more pleased with the overwhelming fan support of his new chapter in the “Rurouni Kenshin” franchise. “I thought I was going to get some backlash, I really did, when I announced that not only would Kenshin and his friends be returning, but they’d be fighting alien deities from other planets with supernatural powers that made them glow like different colors of the rainbow. Then, I watched a couple episodes of Gin Tama, and, suddenly, my unusual premise felt normal again.”

Hideaki Sorachi, the creator of “Gin Tama”, responded to this comment by announcing Gintoki Sakata (the name of his manga’s main character) would permanently die in the next chapter of “Gin Tama”, only for the next chapter to be a short story about the actual Gintoki Sakata adopting a goldfish, naming it after himself, and that goldfish dying of neglect at the end of the chapter, resulting in a “Gintoki Sakata” dying, as promised. Gin Tama fans polled by the “Eye of Zatara” simply shook their head and mumbled something about being trolled.

[SATIRE] Our First Sponsor – “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans!

(Original Post: December 1, 2016)

Greetings, Readers, from your friend and primary editor, contributor, and creator of “The Eye of Zatara”, The Gatekeeper!

I’d like to take a quick break from my brief birthday week hiatus to inform all Eye of Zatara readers of some very exciting news – the “Eye of Zatara” now has its first official sponsor, “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans! To thank them for their support, I’ve written a small promotional message for them below. I hope you’ll glance through my first attempt at an advertisement and thoughtfully consider adding “Three Wolves” Brand products to your grocery list today. Here goes:

Are you aware that horrible canine/monster hybrids known as “wolves” walk the streets, looking for humans to feed upon like livestock? Are you aware of the forces, both human and coyote, that fight against these terrifying creatures to preserve the homo sapiens species from the super-lethal alpha predators mistakenly believed by common folk to be “cute, fluffy, grey dog things”. Do you like green beans?

If you answered yes to any or none of those questions, then maybe “Three Wolves” brand green beans are right for you. Made in a special farm by a subset of sentient ultra-intelligent canine species known colloquially as “wolves”, 100% of the sale of every can of “Three Wolves” brand green beans goes to funding the wolves’ campaign to dominate and feast upon humanity, while protecting themselves from the coyotes and often self-proclaimed “Wolf Hunters” that plague their existence, treating them like criminals simply for following their natural genetic predisposition to eat us. Not only that, but every can is “Wolf-Certified” fresh and delicious, guaranteed to put a smile on your children’s face except for that one picky one who hates all vegetables. You know the one.

If your mind’s not made up already, let me remind you that “Three Wolves” brand green beans are certified organic and gluten/trans fat free, meaning your vegan kid can’t complain about them (but probably will anyway). In summary, if you love food, nutrition, great taste, and funding canine/monster hybrids bent upon replacing humanity at the top of the food chain, “Three Wolves” brand is certainly a product you can’t live without! Hurry to your local KroBar, HighCostCo, Meijeijier, Nearly-All-Mart, Not-So-OK-Mart, or Lose Dixie (Is That Still a Thing?) and pick up a can or twenty-five today! As a special bonus, tell your cashier that “The Eye of Zatara” sent you, and receive a free “This guy is crazy.” glance with your purchase! While supplies last!

Thanks for your support, Everyone!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” is no longer sponsored by “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans. Maybe let them write the article next time?

~The Watchman

EDIT: Awww….. 🙁

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review]

(Original Post: November 29, 2016)

While our usual contributor, “The Gatekeeper”, takes a much needed birthday vacation this week, I received an unusual email at our general “Eye of Zatara” business address from a friend of his named Donovan Savage who writes for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine based out of Luxingfort, KY. Apparently, he bought a DVD over the weekend, and reviewed a movie he insists upon calling “Avengers: Age of Voltron” which no one at his magazine will publish – most likely since the movie came out in May of 2015. On the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper via instant messenger, however, I have decided to post his review here on “The Eye of Zatara” for your perusal. Be forewarned, though, this Donovan Savage review doesn’t make much more sense than the usual dissociative mutterings of our dear Gatekeeper…

“Avengers: Age of Voltron”
[A Belated Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

Last Friday, I was lounging in my luxurious, pleather Slothboy recliner in my exquisite studio apartment when I decided to slum it with the less privileged by enjoying a DVD lent to me by a less fortunate colleague in the writing business, another one of those incessant Marvel movies that goes by the name of “Avengers: Age of Voltron”. After refilling my wine glass with a chilled gentlemanly mixture of 2% cow’s milk and genuine Hershey’s chocolate syrup ordered directly from the Hershey plant in Pennsylvania, I sat back as the familiar, rectangular red and white logo of the pretentious Marvel comic book company scrolled across my massive 30″ flatscreen television and the almighty “Avengers” immediately swung into action fighting some sort of Germans who had appeared to have stolen Queen Elizabeth’s glowing blue crystal scepter or something like that. I’m not sure, I don’t really understand the politics of this Marvel universe. I think one of the antagonists’ names was “Libra” or “Zebra” or something. “Hydra” maybe. No, that can’t be right. Greek mythology is far beyond the cognitive awareness of those nerdy comic book types at Marvel. We’ll just stick with “Zebra” for now. That seems to be a little more on their level.

Anyway, and Spoiler Alert for anyone who hasn’t seen this movie yet, it turns out the Germans had kidnapped some Russian kids and made them into copies of characters from the Marvel “X-Man” universe using the Queen’s royal powers. Fortunately, Ironing Man, Brigadier General America, Black Willow, the Hunk, Eagle Eye, and Ben-Hur (?), or, referring to them by their real names, Lance, Keith, Princess Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Sven, overpower the Germans and hold off the Russians, preventing a repeat of World War II, but, rather than returning Queen Elizabeth’s scepter to her, use it to make a giant fighting robot composed of five smaller lion-shaped robots given life by some sort of glowing MacGuffin Stone in the heart of the Queen’s staff. Without the teamwork and cooperation of five pilots controlling the fighting robot from the inside, however, it goes berserk, and teams up with the Russians to randomly attack things.

Furious at Lance/Ironing Man for making such a decision without consulting his team leader Keith, the Avengers begin to fight and argue amongst themselves, which proves all the more disastrous after Voltron hijacks the planet Arus and plans to drop it, castle and all, directly on the earth, perhaps directed to do so by King Zarkon whom we see briefly after the credits putting on some sort of weird Fallout 4 Power Fist. Fortunately, the Avengers recover the original MacGuffin Stone from within Queen Elizabeth’s scepter, and use it to create a new Voltron with which to battle the now evil Voltron fighting on behalf of Planet Doom. Eliciting the help of the same Russians who previously had attempted to kill them, as well as back-up support from the Highwind from Final Fantasy VII piloted by a slimmer interpretation of Barrett Wallace portrayed by Mace Windu from Star Wars, this new seven man Voltron, “Vision Voltron”, I believe they called it, allows the Avengers to defeat the now outdated five man Voltron created by Lance/Ironing Man earlier, saving the day, although a Russian randomly gets killed for some reason at the end. They then use Voltron’s Lion Torches to incinerate the entire planet Arus before it hits Earth, which seems like overkill, but the Highwind evacuated everyone first, with the aid of some Golden Chocobos, I believe, so to each his own.

Overall, the movie was quite interesting, with a lot of well-executed action scenes, and a variety of unique combat powers for each member of the “Avengers”/Voltron Force that were satisfying to behold, from Ironing Man’s Haggarium Armor and assorted Fallout energy weapons to Eagle Eye’s cosplay replica of the Green Arrow’s bow to Brigadier General America’s… well, ok, so Brigadier General America’s flag-painted hubcap/frisbee golf disc wasn’t all that interesting, but most of the rest of the characters in “Age of Voltron” had extremely unique and complicated abilities that made action scenes feel kinetic and inventive, even while fighting an endless army of Baby Evil Voltrons controlled by the original Voltron… perhaps they were meant to be Robeasts???

I was excited by the new take on the Voltron Force material. It has been some time since I saw something new and interesting come out of the Beast King GoLion franchise’s American counterparts, perhaps excluding the new Voltron series on Netflix, as I do not watch “streaming” television shows and movies like an uncivilized ape. Netflix is the “buffet” of the entertainment world. True gentlemen watch television live in HD, or not at all, and movies in theaters, and at home only in occasion to remind themselves of their aristocracy, as I am doing here, while redeeming myself from my sin through brilliant intellectual criticism. I fear others of my standing in the community will look down on me for watching a DVD even for this reason, however, such is my status in the heirarchy of Luxingfort, KY.

To conclude, if I had to rate on a commoner’s scale of 1 to 10, and, oh, how I hate such a scale, the quality of the Avengers: Age of Voltron movie, I would like to give it a strong 8.5, perhaps a 9, I am a little annoyed at the moment after spilling some of my chocolate milk on the carpet while typing up this review. Chocolate syrup straight from Hershey, PA isn’t cheap, you know, and neither is carpet cleaning, as I can’t be bothered to attempt the job myself. I am disappointed that, once again, Marvel has been excluding my beloved Yoohoo beverages from their screenplays, but such has been the case ever since I watched “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” I am sure, and such will continue to be the case long into the future with that ridiculous “Sam Lee” at the head of Marvel. The man must be drunk on his success by now, and I feel I will have to keep harping on my point about Yoohoos until Mr. Lee is dragged out of the luxurious party of his fortune to address them. Even still, he has made a great movie here today in the form of “Avengers: Age of Voltron” and I recommend everyone of you who is not as privileged as myself to purchase a copy of its DVD form from your local distributor of such trivial baubles, and enjoy watching it on your black-and-white television box or whatever it is common people use to watch films on at home these days. Is Blockbuster still a thing? No? No matter, I’m sure you shabby folk can figure it out if you’re motivated enough. Until next time, this is Donovan Savage from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine reminding you that “Milk is for boys. Chocolate milk is for men.” Farewell, my broad and adoring audience of odd psuedointellectual miscreants.

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit personally insulting editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His recent articles include “Taking the Stairs – The Worst Part of Fire Drills” and “Why Won’t Kelsey Grammar Return My Emails? – A Personal Anecdote”. Yes, we know he’s crazy. Please don’t send him angry letters. It just encourages him.

[SATIRE] Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media

(Original Post: November 24, 2016)

After the election of deceased 20th century politician Thomas E. Dewey (reported two weeks ago here on the “Eye of Zatara”) was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in a 7 to 1 decision last week, new President-Elect Donald J. Trump has begun the difficult work of creating a Presidential Cabinet to ease his transition into the role of U.S. President next January. After bearing continuous criticism by the media since long before his confirmation as President Elect earlier this month, along with a bombardment of attacks by Hillary Clinton voters on social media calling him everything up to and including a Nazi, apparently unaware of the irony of their own use of hate speech in this manner, Donald Trump has apparently given in to frustration and pressure, and named an actual cabinet he found at Ikea to the position of “Secretary of the Interior”, a decision which has met with immediate backlash from multiple media sources, calling the cabinet a “neocon”, “Teabagger”, and “right wing extremist”.

The cabinet in question – a tall, two-doored black fiberboard and particleboard number, on sale this Black Friday for 50% off which Donald Trump declared as an “immediate savings for the American people”, was chosen for its sturdy frame and stylish features, on recommendation of an Ikea employee named Larry that Trump stumbled into while trying to find the restroom in the vast, small town of a department store. While the cabinet has yet to clarify many of its political positions or plans for the office of the Interior, many commenters on the Fox News Network have celebrated the cabinet as “the most honest politician they have ever met” after meeting both Trump and the cabinet for drinks as is customary for all Newscorp employees immediately after the nightly completion of their primetime programming block on the Fox News channel.

Rachel Maddow on the MSNBC Network, however, very harshly criticized Trump’s choice of the cabinet, saying last night on her show that no one watches or remembers the name of that “The rigidity of the cabinet is typical of those who surround Donald Trump. They are unmoving extremists, unwilling to bend to the left on any issue to make deals across the aisle. To the contrary, they stand obstructively in place like a piece of furniture, completely blocking the aisle, funded by Big Retail and born from the destruction of precious trees that produce the oxygen we all need to breathe. This cabinet is everything we have come to fear from a Donald Trump Presidency, and should be filibustered without a second th-… what’s that word? I can’t read the teleprompter. Yes, I’m talking to you, Bill. Move it down a page, darn it! There we go… and should be filibustered without a second thought. There, Bill, was it really that hard to stop flirting with the camera girl and do your freaking job for a minute there?”

Despite the criticism, the Trump Transition Team has not backed down from their decision, however. To the contrary, they have pushed forward with another wave of similarly controversial Presidential Cabinet picks, with rumors now circulating that the territory of Puerto Rico is now in top consideration for the post of Secretary of State once thought likely to be offered to former vocal Donald Trump critic, Mitt Romney. When Michael Hamden of CBC News, aware of the literal decision Trump was attempting to make in appointing a state to the Secretary of State position pointed out to Donald Trump at a press conference this morning that Puerto Rico is not technically a state, the President-Elect simply responded “Your mother’s not a state.” and then reflexively added to Mr. Hamden “You’re fired.”

Other rumored Trump selections at this point include Energizer batteries’ drum-wielding pink bunny mascot for the “Secretary of Energy” post, a local San Antonio area farmer familiar with fence posts and plywood for the position of “Secretary of Da’ Fence”, and actor Keifer Sutherland for the post of “Secretary of Homeland Security” based on his “proven ability to get the job done within a single 24 hour time frame”. Inside sources have added that Trump plans to save money for the American taxpayers by then dissolving the Secretary of Homeland Security post after 24 hours until “next season” when Keifer Sutherland will immediately be rehired for the position, a move Mr. Trump believes will make Keifer Sutherland a “designated survivor” among his picks, a brilliant choice guaranteed to endure all Congressional backlash from the Democratic party in contrast to his other choices. Contrary to Mr. Trump’s hopes, however, all these rumors, including those about Mr. Sutherland, have only met with further criticism from most of the press and those strongly opposed to the President-Elect on social media.

“The Cabinet picks of President-Elect Trump clearly prove how out of touch he is with the American electorate,” the cast of “Hamilton” ended the second act of their Broadway show by announcing to their audience, after calling out a man in the front row for his poor fashion choices and a woman near the back of the packed theater venue for an ugly tattoo visible on her shoulder thanks to a sleeveless top she chose to wear to their show, “If Trump wants to be the President for ALL of diverse America, he’s going to have to make picks that specifically appeal to us and our political agenda, and to heck with his own thoughts and voters. Otherwise, he’s a racist, and we’re going to criticize him like all-knowing moral authorities in the middle of each of our shows until he listens to us. Excuse me, Sir, in the third row with the weird grandpa glasses on, we’re trying to lecture you on politics here. Could you please be so kind as to stop chatting to the guy next to you and listen?”

“Look, it comes down to this – I’m going to choose the people in my cabinet that I think will best enable me to win at being President of the United States of America” President-Elect Trump stated in a quick coffee shop interview with a CNN reporter several hours ago, while trying to figure out how to claim his latte from a barista clearly refusing to read the name “Trump” written on the President-Elect’s cup a couple feet away, “If that means making a quality piece of furniture from a reputable business my Secretary of the Interior, then that’s what I’m going to do. You should wait to see what I do with my Czars. I went all out and got Putin’s advice on a couple of those.”

“Oh?” the reporter inquired, growing both curious and nauseous at the same time, a Starbucks manager just behind him dialing the cops to report Trump’s ordering of a cup of coffee under his own name while the President-Elect’s barista continued to shakily hold the Voldemort-monickered cup of joe in his increasingly traumatized young hand, his innocent lips unable to reveal the horrifyingly evil identity of its purchaser.

“Think ‘Nuclear Wessels’.” Trump winked, while drawing a Star Trek logo in the air with his fingers. “Oh, it’s gonna be great. You’ll see. You’ll all see…”

As of the release of this article, neither Walter Koenig or Anton Yelchin would confirm to “Eye of Zatara” sources whether or not the Trump Transition Team had reached out to them about a “Czar” position in his upcoming administration. Unconfirmed reports do, however, identify “Star Trek: Discovery” Executive Producer Bryan Fuller as Trump’s first choice for Presidential speech writer, but claim he declined the position after a jockish high schooler called him a “regressive Republican hack” shortly after meeting with Trump to discuss the possible position, an act which caused the Executive Producer to barricade himself crying in his condo again.

[SATIRE] 2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP!

(Original Post: November 9, 2016)

In a stunning reversal of all expected results of the 2016 U.S. Presidential race, it seems write-in candidate and former New York Governor Thomas E. Dewey, a Republican Governor famous for his two failed Presidential bids against Democrat Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the 1940s, has secured the 270 electoral college votes required to clench the office of United States President from both Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton AND Republican candidate Donald J. Trump, according to sources other than just the Chicago Daily Tribune this time.

Dewey, who died from a heart attack in 1971, was originally introduced as a possible write-in candidate for this year’s election by several popular social media outlets and blogs as a joke, but rapidly became a legitimate Presidential choice for 2016, appearing on the ballot in 48 of 50 states plus the District of Columbia, after gaining widespread grassroots support in the face of two extremely unpopular candidates elected in the primaries by both major American political parties.

“We initially rejected Thomas Dewey as a possible choice for the U.S. Presidential race when his supporters first began to approach us,” one unnamed Board of Elections official for the state of New Jersey reported off the record to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden earlier this week, “but the requests to add him to the ballot just kept coming in. People loved his hard stance on organized crime, and success in prosecuting infamous mobster ‘Lucky Luciano’ as District Attorney of New York County. They said to themselves ‘This is the kind of man who should be President of the United States.’ After a while, we just couldn’t take all the phone calls and hand-written letters, so we added him to the ballot. We didn’t actually expect him to win.”

Each earning an even split of 109 electoral votes a piece, Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton individually conceded to Dewey shortly after confirmation that he had reached a projected total of 276 electoral votes shortly after 3 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.

“We were shocked.” one unnamed Clinton staffer reported to blog NewsNow shortly after Hillary Clinton’s short concession speech. “We would have understood losing to Trump, as he is at least as alive and breathing as Ms. Clinton, but losing to a deceased Republican Presidential candidate from the 20th Century? You really can’t guess these kinds of things in politics ahead of time.”

“Wait, there was an election last night?” current Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, added, after wandering into Clinton Campaign Headquarters by accident while attempting to find a McDonalds serving all night breakfast in the area. “Who won? Let me guess, Barack, right? Wait, am I Vice President again?”

While Hillary Clinton is reported by close personal friends to have taken the news relatively well, only ordering the execution of less than half of her most trusted campaign advisors after reluctantly admitting defeat to Thomas Dewey, multiple media outlets are reporting Donald Trump may not be faring as well, psychologically, with the unexpected defeat.

“He hasn’t stopped eating taco bowls since the concession speech.” Joey Hargrave, producer for Trump’s now cancelled new documentary series “Winning At Everything – The King/President Donald J. Trump Story”, expected to air back-to-back on Fox News for the first 72 hours after the final election results came in, reported to a drooling husk slightly resembling Chris Matthews from MSNBC around 6 am Eastern Standard Time this morning. “He just says keeps repeating ‘The votes haven’t all been counted yet. I’ve got to eat more taco bowls.’ over and over again. I think he’s thrown up at least six or seven times, but he just keeps eating…”

“He’s also barricaded several of the doors in his study with pillows,” Joey Hargrave admitted to the Chris Matthews-esque zombie a few minutes later, while MSNBC’s ratings of the live coverage rapidly fluctuated between one and two television viewers. “He texted me a picture saying ‘I told you I would build a wall. Let’s see them cross the border into my office now!’ I really don’t think the man is well…”

While many news outlets are focusing on the reaction of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to Thomas Dewey’s election as America’s first Necromantic-American President, fewer outlets investigated the effect such a startling turn of fortune is having on other “dark horse” candidates such as Independent candiate Evan McMullin or Libertarian Party choice for President, Gary Johnson. In fact, as of the time of this article’s publication, no attempt had been made by any news outlet, including our own, to gauge Mr. McMullin or Mr. Johnson’s reactions to Thomas Dewey’s victory, nor those of Green Party Candidate, Jill… Somebody. This will likely continue to be the case.

Rumors that, due to an accidental deletion of the email sent to advise her of this by Democratic Party officials, defeated candidate Hillary Clinton is actually yet unaware of her loss to Thomas Dewey, and simply executed a portion of her campaign staff for sheer entertainment value, are, as of yet, unsubstantiated. Rumors that crazed Dewey supporters are frantically trying to hook up a Tesla Auto-Pilot device to the corpse of Thomas Dewey in order to animate him in time for his Presidential inauguration are, also, unconfirmed at this time, but line up with other surfacing reports involving failed attempts to revive him using a red-colored feather dubbed a “Phoenix Down” and a lightning-powered contraption constructed by a technologically-gifted ardent fan of Mary Shelley.

In a bizarre violation of precedent, Dewey himself remains silent on his victory, and has offered no acceptance victory even after winning the 270+ electoral college votes needed to earn the title Leader of the Free World. Presumed Vice Presidential electee Earl Warren has remained similarly quiet, despite being named as a possible replacement for Antonin Scalia in the U.S. Supreme Court, assuming Scalia cannot reclaim the seat himself after being equipped with a Tesla Auto-Pilot.