Tag: Science Fiction

[REVIEW] “Ghostbusters II” (1989) – The Sequel

By: “The Watchman”

I don’t think I have ever seen “Ghostbusters II”. I had heard that it wasn’t as good as the original, and was never inclined to watch it for that reason. Watching it back-to-back with the original movie, I must say that it was, however, a very good sequel, and one that I thoroughly enjoyed.

No, it is not as good as the original, but is that a fair comparison? How many movies are? It continued with the characters and concepts of 1984’s original “Ghostbusters” in a fun and believable direction that always left me wondering what would happen next. It was funny, too. It made me genuinely laugh out loud, which is very hard to do, proving the cleverness and quality of writing that Aykroyd and Ramis employed while trying to reach the bar of their original movie.

Is this Vigo character and his strange foreign henchman as intimidating as the hell hounds and glowing temple of Gozer the Gozerian from Ghostbusters I? No, not quite, but the… instrument… that the Ghostbusters used to help them reach Vigo in the final act made me genuinely smile with delight.

Seeing the interactions between Bill Murray’s character (Peter Venkman) and Sigourney Weaver’s character (Dana Barrett) once again, I was surprised by how much the addition of a baby added to the novelty of their strange “Will they? Won’t they?” romance. I also liked the addition of Rick Moranis’ character as a compliment to the Ghostbusters’ business, albeit still in the comic relief role we saw him fill from the first movie. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he put a giant “Dark Helmet” on his head, and started rambling about someone named “Lone Starr”. (Go watch “Spaceballs” if you don’t get that one. Another classic.)

As I said before, it’s true that “Ghostbusters II” is not as good as the original 1984 entry, but I’ve come to believe that focusing on that point is a red herring argument. “Ghostbusters II” is a very good movie that is worth watching. There are no qualifications that need to be added to the end of that sentence. Any franchise would be lucky to have a sequel of this quality, especially considering the kind of awkward place that Ghostbusters I ended, storywise, creating a difficult starting point for this sequel to work from.

All the main characters from the original movie are in this one, and are acting in character for themselves, although I guess you could also say that none of them really grew as a result of the first movie in a way that changed their characters all that much, if you really want to find something negative to say about this movie. That, and it is also a little hard to believe that all of New York simply forgot about ghosts after the events of the first movie and ruled the Ghostbusters off as charlatans, but the movie still manages to make it more or less believable.

Beyond all that, I really have nothing bad to say about this movie. It’s a solid 8.5/10.

Final Score: 8.5/10

“A solid sequel that brings us back to the world of the original ‘Ghostbusters’ in a way that feels exciting and interesting. All the characters you loved are back and ready to make you laugh out loud again, albeit one or two less times.”

What’s next? “Who you gonna call?”

BACK TO “THE EYE OF ZATARA”

GHOSTBUSTERS

GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE

[REVIEW] “Ghostbusters” (1984) – The Original

By: “The Watchman”

I’d forgotten how good the original Ghostbusters is. Or, rather, I don’t think I’ve ever really noticed. Not having gotten into Ghostbusters much as a kid (it released a year before I was born), it was just this weekend when I sat down with a critical eye to watch it that I realized just how perfectly crafted and clever it is.

The pacing is excellent. The jokes are funny. The characters are all memorable, while being very distinct from one another. Even the special effects don’t look too bad after all these years. I almost wish I had realized sooner how wonderful a movie this is, except that it would have taken from the joy I felt this weekend watching it for, what felt like, the first time.

The movie was genuinely funny. Several times, I repeated scenes to watch them again, especially the final scene in the mayor’s office, because they made me laugh and I wanted to go over them one more time before continuing the movie. Every scene has a point, and every plot point has a purpose. It laid the groundwork for an excellent science fiction universe.

While, admittedly, it didn’t easily lend itself to sequels, as the cast and crew had no idea, at the time they were making it, that the show would be such a standalone hit, it still has a lot of interesting ideas that I wanted to see more of after the movie ended. Hence, my continuation to the next entries in the trilogy.

Bill Murray really steals the show in many of the scenes. While Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis are excellent (and wrote the script), Bill Murray’s charisma shines brightly throughout its most memorable moments, and his interactions with Sigourney Weaver were both genuinely engaging and also quite a bit odd. Rick Moranis’ character was a bit strange, but never really bothered me. Somehow, he always stayed believable, even while the unbelievable happened all around him.

I could continue rambling on about this movie for a while, but that would miss the point of a comparative three part review! I’ll just go ahead and grade this movie with the incredible 9.5/10 that it deserves, and let you go on to the next movies in sequence, now that the benchmark has been set by this irreplaceable piece of science fiction history. Let’s see how well the next two movies in the universe hold up to the original.

Final Score: 9.5/10

“Perfect in nearly every way, this movie’s greatest fault is making it difficult for writers to expand upon the narrative of its universe, and even more difficult for them to try to surpass it.”

What’s next? “Who you gonna call?”

BACK TO “THE EYE OF ZATARA”

GHOSTBUSTERS II

GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE

[REVIEW] GHOSTBUSTERS COMPARATIVE REVIEW – “Ghostbusters”, “Ghostbusters II”, “Ghostbusters: Afterlife”

By: “The Watchman”

I had heard mixed things about “Ghostbusters: Afterlife”, the latest in the “Ghostbusters” franchise, so I took some time this weekend to watch the entire canonical trilogy of “Ghostbusters” movies – the original, the sequel, and “Afterlife” to see what they were like and how they fit together. I have never seen “Ghostbusters II” or “Afterlife” before, and it’s been a while since I’ve seen the original. I’ve never been a huge “Ghostbusters” fan, but, after watching the whole trilogy back-to-back, I have to say that might have changed…

I’ve written a comparative review of each of the three “Ghostbusters” movies, reviewing them both individually and, also, how they fit into the greater whole. These will be mostly spoiler free reviews, as is always the case when I review a movie.

Go ahead. “Choose the form of the Destructor”:

“GHOSTBUSTERS” (1984) – THE ORIGINAL

“GHOSTBUSTERS II” (1989) – THE SEQUEL

“GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE” (2020) – THE NEWCOMER

[REVIEW] “The Book of Boba Fett” – Season 1, Episode 2

By: “The Watchman”

“Fate sometimes steps in to save the wretched.” – a fitting first line for the second episode of a show that had such a bad opening. If you read last week’s review, you know I didn’t think much of the show’s premier, but hoped things would turn themselves around. Good news: The episode was, overall, much better than last week’s, and I actually enjoyed it! Bad news: The show still has a long way to go to be worth watching outside of hardcore fans like me.

[MOSTLY SPOILER FREE REVIEW]

This is what I call a “Mostly Spoiler Free Review”, so I will try to talk about elements of the show without discussing any specific plot points. Now that we are in Episode 2, though, you may encounter spoilers for Episode 1 as I set the stage for this week’s episode. If you have not watched last week’s premier yet, you may want to do that before reading this review. You have been warned!

Last week, the show left off with Boba Fett standing triumphantly on the outskirts of a Tusken Raider camp with a big crap-eating grin on his face like he had accomplished something of value. (He had not.) This week, we jump back to the present day, and continue to follow Boba Fett’s efforts to establish himself as the new Jabba the Hutt. This starts with an interrogation scene where, of course, no one is really interrogated.

As we saw with Episode 1, the first half of this week’s outing is very boring and predictable, with watered down Disneyfied ideas of criminality and cheesy, unintimidating “tough guy” lines that make the entire affair feel like a kid’s show. The “twists” are visible a mile away, and Boba Fett is still refusing to kill anyone ever. I am happy to report that one person is allowed to fire a gun (once) during this sequence, however, which is a 100% improvement from last week’s Taekwondo lessons. Still, I found myself saying over and over, “Why doesn’t he just shoot him?” “Why doesn’t he just shoot her?’ and seeing Boba Fett as kind of a whitewashed (cowardly?) copy of himself for constantly letting people push him around and put him down when he is supposed to be some kind of shadowy criminal overlord. (Compare this to a show like “The Blacklist”.) Why would anyone follow such a leader?

When the show shifts back to Boba Fett’s memories of the past, I nearly lost it. I hated almost every aspect of the whole Tusken Raider affair last week. None of it made any sense, nor did it have any real dialogue to help explain it. It was mostly just Boba Fett walking silently on sand and it was horrible. That is how I felt this week, too, until… things suddenly took a turn for the interesting a few minutes into the flashback. Before I knew it, different characters were, at last, communicating with each other, interesting goals and stakes were being established, guns were now allowed to be fired, Boba Fett was doing something other than standing around stiffly like he got Botox on his whole body last month, and I was enjoying myself!

When he’s not getting constantly attacked, beaten up, and tied up by his enemies, this version of Boba Fett is a surprisingly interesting character! (Who knew?) Without getting into significant spoilers of what happens next, let me simply say that events in the past (“the dreams”) finally have some non-laughable action in them and the relationship build-up between Boba and the Tuskens begins to pay off for him. Even so, the plot still has a lot of coincidence, nonsensical motives, and cheesy dialogue that keeps even this interesting second half of the episode from being something truly special. If this were not a Star Wars show, I would not have cared enough to get invested in the story.

This is Star Wars, however, and the lead character is the amazing Boba Fett (more or less). As a result, I ended up liking this week’s episode more than I disliked it. The first half of the episode I would only give a 5/10 to, but the latter half is a solid 7/10. I must say I am surprised that the part of this week’s episode I liked the most (“the dreams”) was the part of last week’s episode that I hated the most. Overall, the episode was not terrible. Let’s hope it keeps improving!

Final Score: 6/10

“A divided episode, starting out boring like Episode 1, but ending on a high note that leaves a pleasant taste in the mouth, despite having more than a few lingering flaws.”

[REVIEW] “The Book of Boba Fett” – Season 1, Episode 1

By: “The Watchman”

Boba Fett is back, as the Mandalorian’s first official spin-off begins. Expectations are high among Star Wars fans, including myself, as the Mandalorian and its legacy remain the only legitimate remnant of Star Wars to be born in this new age of haphazard sequel trilogies and “High Republic” nonsense. So, how did it do? How is the first series to focus on one of the biggest bad asses in all of science fiction? Well… in a word? Boring.

[MOSTLY SPOILER FREE REVIEW]

Starting out promising as we literally watch Boba Fett tear his way out of the innards of the Sarlacc following the events of “Return of the Jedi”, the story really goes nowhere after that for the entirety of the show’s first episode. Most of the show is just people walking around, standing around, and other time wasters. This walking and standing around is usually accompanied with no dialogue whatsoever, or with small bursts of untranslated alien mumblings. This air of silence works well with the Mandalorian because he’s usually doing something badass and crazy every couple of minutes. Boba Fett, however… is mostly just being silent. At one point, the episode replaces the characters standing and walking around in the sand with them quietly digging in the sand, and I got so bored that I literally took out my cell phone and started texting my friends asking if they had seen the episode yet (and asking them if it gets any better). And this is coming from a guy who made a Star Wars website when he was 12 that is still on the web if you know where to look for it.

What really irritated me the most about the episode, though, was the total lack of blasters. For some reason, no one uses a blaster in this episode. At all. Not one time. Boba Fett uses a missile or two, but the biggest, meanest, toughest bounty hunter in the entire Star Wars galaxy is apparently not allowed to use guns anymore, or, so it seems, as every battle sequence was just people swinging at each other with swords and sticks, or, worse, doing Power Rangers style kung fu kicks and flips. I think I literally said out loud “What is this shit?” when I started watching a trained sniper assassin (Fennec) start flipping and jumping around like a bad 90’s comic book supervillain to deal with people trying to kill her, instead of… I don’t know… just shooting them? It was utterly absurd.

Boba Fett looks really badass in his armor, I’ll give him that. If he’d keep his helmet on and actually use his blaster once in a while, he’d be pretty intimidating. I want this show to be good, and it still has time to improve. Nothing in the episode ruined the character or the story in a way that can’t recover 100% if things are different starting in Episode 2. However, there is one other issue with the show that’s going to need to change for me to really get on board with it, and that’s the fact that, well… Boba Fett is just way too nice. Like super nice. Nicer than the Mandalorian. Yet he’s supposed to be, in his own words, a “crime lord”. He’s supposed to be a fearless antihero that wants to turn a new leaf, but still sits on the throne of the corrupt and vile criminal underground of Hutt-stamped Tatooine. Instead, he spends the entire episode sparing people who blatantly insult him, unconditionally trusting people that he literally just met and hired, being humble, talking endlessly about loyalty and respect, taking off his protective helmet, and avoiding killing people around him at all costs, even assassins. Oh, and being beaten up, tied up, weak, and wounded. That happens to Boba a lot in this episode, too.

Overall, like I said, the show has a LOT of flaws. Nothing in the show was so bad as to ruin the character of Boba Fett, or stop the potential for the show to completely turn things around. That said, I didn’t enjoy Episode 1 AT ALL. I didn’t completely hate it, but I was both bored and irritated from the very start, and, by the end of the episode, I had almost completely tuned out. I hated the final sequence, and the only real enemy of consequence that Boba Fett encounters in the whole thing is a creature that looked, again, like a monster out of Power Rangers conjured up by Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd. I was almost shocked at the end of the episode to not see Jason David Frank step out from behind a sand dune and shout “It’s Morphin’ Time” as a cliffhanger for Episode 2.

I am still looking forward to the next episode as I honestly and truly hope that The Book of Boba Fett will improve. (I might be a little heartbroken if it doesn’t.) There is absolutely no reason that a show about a badass bounty hunter crime lord who rules over the underworld of a major Star Wars hub of shadiness can’t be anything short of excellent. I am frankly surprised to have had to write such a review, as material like this should be really hard to mess up. Yet, mess it up, they did. A LOT. My final score for Episode 1 is 4/10.

SCORE: 4/10
“Boring and neutered, Boba Fett is not the badass he needs to be for this show to be enjoyable, but there is still plenty of time for that to change completely starting next episode. Here’s hoping.”

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS — The “Real” Review (Blue Pill)

Review By: “The Gatekeeper”

“The Matrix: Resurrections” is the most interesting movie I have ever seen about Microsoft Excel, and the only movie about Microsoft Excel that, to my knowledge, stars Keanu Reeves. Apparently the sequel to another trilogy of movies that I haven’t seen, “The Matrix: Resurrections” is the story about a homeless man named “Neato” who wanders into some kind of modern day technology firm and begins working on an Excel matrix there until it seems to take over his life, and even cause him to seek after some other homeless-looking lady named “Serenity” which I think is from that show, Firefly, but I can’t say for certain, because I also haven’t seen that.

Apparently, in a previous “Matrix” movie, a younger looking dude that looks nothing like today’s Keanu Reeves hooked up with Serenity in some kind of green-looking city that kind of hurt my eyes to see flashbacks of. Then, John Smith, the guy who married Pocahontas if I remember third grade history class correctly, tried to kill this younger Keanu Reeves person for some reason, but Keanu stopped them using the power of his X-Box One, hereafter just referred to as his “The One”, possibly by hacking their Excel matrix. (Honestly, I didn’t even know Microsoft Excel could run on an X-Box, but I guess that’s what made him such a cool hacker in the previous films. Who knew?)

There is a lot of shooting things in this movie. Like, a lot, a lot. And, sometimes, when he’s being shot at, Neato (Keanu Reeves)’s internet connection to the Excel matrix seems to lag up, as the bullets stop hitting him and everything kind of moves slow for a while. Honestly, it’s kind of like playing Overwatch. I think he said his internet service provider was “Bullet Time”, which I have never heard of, so no wonder he has such poor connection speeds. Also, based on his scruffy hair and beard, I am still assuming that Neato is homeless, so he probably doesn’t have any money to upgrade his internet connection with, either.

At the end of the movie, something happens, but I can’t tell you what that something is because I kind of fell asleep playing “Pokemon: Shining Diamond” while watching the movie, and had a weird mixed dream about the two where Keanu Reeves was telling me about the legend of Dialga, and I woke up screaming “Use the Master Ball!” right as “Resurrections” started its end credits. So, since I did not see the ending of the movie, I will now make one up, and will sternly judge the movie based upon the merits of the ending that I happened to think of as the first thing on the top of my head after watching it.

So, Neato and Serenity ultimately get cornered by the villain of this movie, Orville Redenbacher, who attempts to trade them popcorn in exchange for helping him record his business expenses on Neato’s latest Excel matrix. Neato refuses, however, and calls a fleet of those Imperial Star Destroyers with Death Star lasers on them from the last horrible Star Wars movie and blasts Orville Redenbacher into non-existence along with half of the greater Seattle area. (I’m just kind of assuming they all live in Seattle.) Then, Neato and Serenity move to Cleveland to open a general goods store, and live happily ever after, until the sequel where they’re recruited by Nick Fury to fight Thanos’ evil little brother, Kyle, who has seven Infinity Stones now, one more than his older brother because he’s more evil. The End.

Overall, I would recommend “The Matrix Resurrections” to anyone looking to get a good night’s sleep, to anyone who is a fan of Microsoft Excel, or to anyone who has seen either “Firefly” or the original “Matrix” movies. I would think that having any idea who Neato and Serenity are instead of just imagining it in their heads will get a lot more enjoyment out of this movie than I did. I would like to warn anyone watching this movie, however, that the ending is kind of bad. Like the Orvile Redenbacher thing makes no sense, and seems completely thrown it there at random, and the Imperial Star Destroyers blowing up the city around Neato and Serenity seemed really contrived. Overall, I’d give the movie a 7 out of 5, which is an improper fraction, a testament to the improper way I felt this movie treated its source material, if it has any, as I do not know – I have never seen any of the other “Matrix” movies.

There you go. Final score, 7/5. I will now return to playing Pokémon and/or napping until my next review. Don’t wake me until then. (Unless you want to trade Pokémon.)

~The Gatekeeper

(Click here to see The Watchman’s review now.)

[REVIEW] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS — The Normal Review (Red Pill)

Review By: “The Watchman”

“The Matrix: Resurrections” is a genuine, thoughtful attempt to reboot “The Matrix” trilogy in a way that doesn’t feel like simply another tired rehash of a once interesting story for a quick corporate payout like we see so often today in creatively bankrupt Hollywood. This is quite a monumental task when faced with the challenge of adding on to a trilogy with as much history and love as “The Matrix”, but, for the most part, I’d say the writer’s attempt at creating something interesting and new is successful. “The Matrix: Resurrections” is in no way on the same level as the original “The Matrix” movie, but I’m not sure that it even intends to be. The writers of “Resurrections” seemed to be genuinely concerned about the effect of adding on to the closed loop of their original trilogy. They tried their best to capture as much of the original magic of the first three films as they could, but also made sure to tell a new story that stands soundly on its own merits, not as a faded Xerox copy of the original movies, but as something unique and new, albeit something which is more than a little bit flawed at times.

After finishing “The Matrix: Resurrections”, I have to say, overall, that some of my least favorite parts of the entire movie were the times they seemed to be trying too hard to callback characters and scenes from the original Matrix movies (including the first 20 minutes which felt very rough), whereas I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of the new characters and concepts introduced in their place, with the antagonist of the movie being one of my all-time favorites in the entire film (behind Keanu Reeves, of course).

Like the original “Matrix”, the film does its best to keep you guessing for a while about the nature of what is really going on in the film – what is real and what is not – and how can you even know? What is the difference between facts and fiction, where is in the line between them? Are memories facts or fiction? Can they be both? What really happened in the span of time between “Revolutions” and “Resurrections”? Did the events of the original three movies as we know them even happen at all?

Even once things begin to gain a certain degree of clarity, I found it hard to ever figure out what was going to happen next in the movie, or even how major scenes were going to play out. For 2 1/2 hours, the film had my full attention, as I genuinely watched each and every minute to see how the story would go, wanting more and more to see the unpredictable ending that it was building up to. (I say this, but my mind may have honestly drifted a little during the action sequences, although I’m not the biggest action guy, so that’s not saying much. Still, even to me, they did seem like a notch down from the action in the original Matrix. How can action scenes be both over-the-top, yet also bland? Some of the action scenes in this movie were exactly that. Sorry, action lovers.)

Like with the original “Matrix”, I feel compelled to watch the movie again in order to really understand it. Will it grow on me with each successive view like the original? Or will it lose its luster over time like with “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”? Can the interesting premise started in this new (possibly?) trilogy of movies be continued with the same originality and sparkle as “Resurrections”, or is this the Star Wars sequel trilogy all over again? Only time will tell. For the moment, I cannot be certain.

What I can say is, as a fan of the original “Matrix” trilogy, I found this movie genuinely enjoyable and will likely watch it again before it leaves HBO Max. If you liked the original movies, I would highly recommend that you give it a try, especially if you have HBO Max. Make sure you are willing to watch at least 30 minutes of it, however, as I feel like the first few scenes of “Resurrections” are some of the weakest in the entire film and are very lacking in any emotional value until you’ve gotten later into the movie and know the characters shown in those scenes. Once you see Neo again, however… I dare you to give up and walk away without a fight. Overall, this movie isn’t “The One” like the first “Matrix”, but it is, at the very least, a Decent One.

Overall Score: 7.5/10

~The Watchman

(Click here to see The Gatekeeper’s review.)

[REVIEW/SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS [Real Reviews by Real Weirdos]

[Original Post: Wednesday, December 22, 2021]

Hello, Everyone, and greetings from the only sane member of the “Eye of Zatara” crew, “The Watchman”!

The latest Matrix film, “The Matrix Resurrections”, dropped on HBO Max earlier today, so I sat down with our usual writer, “The Gatekeeper”, so we could share our thoughts and opinions on the new film with you. (Yes, for real. This is not satire.) Below you will find two very different reviews for the movie:

(1) My completely normal, genuine, honest, and thought-provoking review, spoiler free. I know. Real content on here. Strange, right?

(2) The Gatekeeper’s usual incoherent nonsense woven loosely together into a strange mind-rotting review that is as much insane as it is insightful. Read this one at your own risk. It’s much more in line with our usual content.

Make your choice below:


Click this red link, and I, The Watchman, will tell you the truth about “The Matrix Resurrections” without ridiculous over-the-top satire.

OR:

Click this blue link, and The Gatekeeper will ramble on about strange things that don’t really make sense to anyone but himself, but which could be considered funny maybe? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m just the editor here.

Red or blue?

Fantasy or truth?

Both options are available. Which will you choose?

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates – MEN IN GREEN

[Original Article: Monday, October 4th, 2021]

“You may have heard the rumors about the men in nice suits that show up whenever you see something that… shouldn’t quite exist in our world. The hushed whispers of secret government cover-ups, inhuman infiltrators of our society, and magic-like occurrences that defy modern civilization and its technology. Heck, you may have even seen a movie about these, so-called, “Men in Green”. Well, I am here to tell you that they are very real.

It was a rainy St. Patrick’s Day in the town of Meadup, Louisiana. The precipitation had finally let up, and a rainbow could be seen leading just over a nearby hill to something I could not quite make out. I had taken the week off work to celebrate my wife’s birthday with a cruise we were leaving for tomorrow, so I had the leisure to walk a few minutes forward until I could try to see what was at the end of the little rainbow by my house. That’s when I saw it.

They call them “UPGO”, or “Unidentified Pot of Gold Objects”, small black kettles of otherworldly locomotion that float impossibly above the ground while surrounded in an array of otherworldly lights, all centered around the end of a rainbow, as if the bridge of many colors led, at its far point, to another world beyond imagining, one which I was not supposed to be aware of. A shadowy figure emerged from within the golden metallic coins that littered the top of the floating kettle, a small green-clothed humanoid with a ragged hairy red beard and a hat with a four leaf clover on it. I had seen an honest-to-goodness “little green man”. The minute it saw me, it disappeared. Down into the end of the rainbow in a flash of light with the rainbow disappearing a few short seconds behind it, and I thought that would be the end of my story. Until the next day, when the men in nice suits showed up.

I was almost finished packing for the cruise when I heard a knock at the front door a few rooms away. Tossing another polo shirt into my suitcase, I then hurried over to my home’s threshold and opened the door to be greeted by a suspiciously serious looking middle-aged man in a green suit and tie, along with another man that looked a lot like Will Smith. They flashed some kind of ID in my face, something strange that looked like they had gotten it from the bottom of a cereal box, and started asking me about hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons. I told them I knew nothing of these things, but had seen a strange pot of gold at the end of a rainbow in my front yard yesterday. They frowned.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step outside.” the more serious-looking man said in a somber tone, taking… something… out of his jacket. The strange cylindrical device looked like one of those pens from grade school that could write in any color depending on which button on the top of the pen you pushed first. But on the top of the thick, pen-like machine was what was clearly some kind of plain brown potato. I was more than a little confused.

“Look into the potato please, Sir.” the man said very seriously, while his assistant mumbled something under his breath about making pancakes for Shrek. I refused. Why would I stare at a stupid potato, and what did this have to do with the UPGO I saw the day before?

“We’re from the government, and I need you to look into this potato.” the man said more seriously, reaching for something else inside his emerald suit coat… possibly a weapon? His partner reached for a weapon as well, while whispering to me something about finally being able to make up for “After Earth”. At this point, I’d had enough. I slammed my front door in the face of these strange “Men in Green” and looked for my cell phone to contact the police when, suddenly, some kind of talking dog, a pug, was in my house in front of me, holding the same “potato pen” device as the others. I saw the strange sight for only a moment before a bright emerald light filled my eyes and I woke in my bedroom, laying on the bed beside my still only half-packed suitcase, having apparently fallen asleep while preparing for my cruise.

I sighed with relief, happy the strange series of events had turned out to merely be the musings of my resting mind. Then, I heard it. The sound of… something… perched on the open sill of my nearby bedroom window.

“If you thought that was bad,” a multi-colored toucan carrying a box of “Froot Loops” under one arm mused in perfect English. “Just wait ’till you see what agents they send now that you’ve seen me.”

My startled scream could be heard all the way to the other side of another fleeting rainbow in the little town of Meadup, Louisiana.”

***
As per our usual standards, “The Eye of Zatara” confirmed the above account with its usual rigorous filtering process before posting it to this website (AKA we asked our ‘Magic 8 Ball’ if it was true and it said ‘Probably’.)  Stay tuned for more in-depth investigations into the strange and paranormal as “Halloween Month” continues on “The Eye of Zatara”!

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Biden Accepts Newest Challenge from Vladimir Putin – “Lightsaber Duel” in Place of Televised Debate

(Original Post: March 22, 2021)

Imperial Palace, Coruscant – Preparations are being hastily made for what is being called a “Duel of the Fates” as Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, escalated his previous challenge to Joe Biden for a televised debate, now requesting a Jedi lightsaber duel in the heart of the Imperial Palace on planet Coruscant, a request which U.S. President Biden has, surprisingly, accepted.

Leaving a spaceport in Moscow clothed entirely in black robes, Vladimir Putin, also known as “Darth Sykkle”, activated the hyperdrive on his small Imperial model shuttlecraft to take him to the Palace on Coruscant ahead of Biden, to await him, lightsaber in hand, ready to show all of America the power of the Communist “red side” of the Force.

It is unclear what the outcome of this battle will be, but video footage supposedly of the battle itself was delivered to the “Eye of Zatara” by an old man in a Hoveround muttering about Benjamin Franklin.  The following unconfirmed information is the record of the battle.

“Listen, Buddy, if you wanna… You’re… You’re a knucklehead, you know that?  I could… I could kick your one Force pony into next week!  You hear me?” President Biden muttered to a house plant hanging on the wall along one side of the duelists’ ring in the heart of the Imperial Palace.

“Mr. Biden, I know you are busy, but, before I cut you down, there is something you must know…” Darth Sykkle smiled beneath the black Sith hood of his robes, igniting the crimson blade of his silver-hilted energy sword.

“Look, if you’re about to say you’re my father, you’re a heck of a lot older than you look.”

“No…” Vladimir Putin answered with an insidious cackle.  “I am… CORN POP’S father.  I am the reason he went down the wrong path, and threatened you at that pool you used to work at.”

Hearing this, U.S. President Biden’s expression changed in an instant, the once frail-looking leader standing up tall and facing Darth Sykkle with a ferocious look of knowing determination as he activated his own “Luigi Green” colored lightsaber and raised it in challenge like a master fencer’s rapier towards the face of the corrupted Russian dictator.

“Not good enough.” Putin laughed as he waved his hand at Biden, striking him with a burst of Force energy and throwing him down the staircase located directly behind him on the dueling platform.  “And, by the way, that’s the SECOND time I’ve thrown you down a staircase with the Force in the last week, Mr. President!”

Putin laughed maniacally, as Biden collapsed pathetically on the staircase.

“It’s over…” Putin smiled as he walked to the top of the staircase and stared down at the once again confused and befuddled American leader.

“It is NOT.” Another voice chimed in from the shadows, as a new weapon activated behind Darth Sykkle, revealing the face of a black and red armored Kamala Harris holding a large, shuriken-like, four-bladed lightsaber ring, each blade on the weapon a shade of red matching exactly the color of freshly spilt blood.

“What?” Putin raised an eyebrow in confusion, turning around to face his new challenger.

“It is said with Sith there are always two – a Master and an Apprentice.  This is true.” Vice President Harris showed but the tiniest hint of a smirk as she threw her strange lightsaber at Putin in a blur too fast for his eyes to even track, cutting him down in a single slashing movement without giving him so much as a chance to defend himself against her.  “You made the mistake of challenging the Apprentice.  Now you fall before the Master…”

“And you have made the same mistake…” another voice echoed in the old duelists’ arena, an odd, unnaturally-colored, orange-skinned right hand reaching down to retrieve the still glowing red lightsaber from the injured Putin’s grasp, a “Luigi Green” saber already shining in his left.  “You have slain MY Apprentice – one I picked on the Russia version of my show, The Apprentice.  Now, thanks to that, once I finish you, I will control Vanuatu, the United States, Coruscant, AND Russia.  Then, I will make the whole GALAXY great again!”

The strange orange alien with a fuzzy, hair-like growth on his head chuckled, wrapped head-to-toe in a red cloak made out of “MAGA” hats overlaid on an awkwardly-drawn American flag with the incorrect number of stars and stripes on it.

“Kamala… or, should I say… Darth Ka-Maula…” former President Trump smiled in the light of his two stolen lightsabers, glowing bright in each of his hands from the fallen Apprentices of the two Dark Lords now facing off against one another at last.  “Winning is literally my thing.  What chance do you think you have against someone like me?”

“Winning may be something you excel at…” the Vice President spoke calmly, using the Force to bring her lightsaber ring weapon back into hand.  “But, if I recall correctly, the only time someone stopped you from winning… it was an election, it was last year, and it was ME.”

Trump’s eyes filled with fury, but he said nothing to his confident opponent.

“What’s wrong?  Nothing to say without Twitter to hide behind?” Kamala mocked, raising her weapon in challenge to the 45th President.

“I’m going to beat you so bad even a Dominion voting machine can’t put you back together again…” Trump smiled, charging at Kamala as the two clashed blades in an epic cascade of sparking flashes of light.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the background, a third figure watched over the battle, interlacing her fingers and smiling silently to herself, cloaked in a shadow of the Force so thick that even the Dark Lords clashing before her had no idea she was even there at all.

“Excellent…” Kathleen Kennedy smiled over the battle as Kamala and Trump battled evenly against one another in a tremendous display of swordsmanship and skill.  “I’m not sure which of the two of them will win in the end.  But, whichever one does… I will make them MY new apprentice…”

A cold chill filled the hearts of everyone in the galaxy.

~The Gatekeeper