Movies – Page 2 – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Biden Accepts Newest Challenge from Vladimir Putin – “Lightsaber Duel” in Place of Televised Debate

(Original Post: March 22, 2021)

Imperial Palace, Coruscant – Preparations are being hastily made for what is being called a “Duel of the Fates” as Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, escalated his previous challenge to Joe Biden for a televised debate, now requesting a Jedi lightsaber duel in the heart of the Imperial Palace on planet Coruscant, a request which U.S. President Biden has, surprisingly, accepted.

Leaving a spaceport in Moscow clothed entirely in black robes, Vladimir Putin, also known as “Darth Sykkle”, activated the hyperdrive on his small Imperial model shuttlecraft to take him to the Palace on Coruscant ahead of Biden, to await him, lightsaber in hand, ready to show all of America the power of the Communist “red side” of the Force.

It is unclear what the outcome of this battle will be, but video footage supposedly of the battle itself was delivered to the “Eye of Zatara” by an old man in a Hoveround muttering about Benjamin Franklin. The following unconfirmed information is the record of the battle.

“Listen, Buddy, if you wanna… You’re… You’re a knucklehead, you know that? I could… I could kick your one Force pony into next week! You hear me?” President Biden muttered to a house plant hanging on the wall along one side of the duelists’ ring in the heart of the Imperial Palace.

“Mr. Biden, I know you are busy, but, before I cut you down, there is something you must know…” Darth Sykkle smiled beneath the black Sith hood of his robes, igniting the crimson blade of his silver-hilted energy sword.

“Look, if you’re about to say you’re my father, you’re a heck of a lot older than you look.”

“No…” Vladimir Putin answered with an insidious cackle. “I am… CORN POP’S father. I am the reason he went down the wrong path, and threatened you at that pool you used to work at.”

Hearing this, U.S. President Biden’s expression changed in an instant, the once frail-looking leader standing up tall and facing Darth Sykkle with a ferocious look of knowing determination as he activated his own “Luigi Green” colored lightsaber and raised it in challenge like a master fencer’s rapier towards the face of the corrupted Russian dictator.

“Not good enough.” Putin laughed as he waved his hand at Biden, striking him with a burst of Force energy and throwing him down the staircase located directly behind him on the dueling platform. “And, by the way, that’s the SECOND time I’ve thrown you down a staircase with the Force in the last week, Mr. President!”

Putin laughed maniacally, as Biden collapsed pathetically on the staircase.

“It’s over…” Putin smiled as he walked to the top of the staircase and stared down at the once again confused and befuddled American leader.

“It is NOT.” Another voice chimed in from the shadows, as a new weapon activated behind Darth Sykkle, revealing the face of a black and red armored Kamala Harris holding a large, shuriken-like, four-bladed lightsaber ring, each blade on the weapon a shade of red matching exactly the color of freshly spilt blood.

“What?” Putin raised an eyebrow in confusion, turning around to face his new challenger.

“It is said with Sith there are always two – a Master and an Apprentice. This is true.” Vice President Harris showed but the tiniest hint of a smirk as she threw her strange lightsaber at Putin in a blur too fast for his eyes to even track, cutting him down in a single slashing movement without giving him so much as a chance to defend himself against her. “You made the mistake of challenging the Apprentice. Now you fall before the Master…”

“And you have made the same mistake…” another voice echoed in the old duelists’ arena, an odd, unnaturally-colored, orange-skinned right hand reaching down to retrieve the still glowing red lightsaber from the injured Putin’s grasp, a “Luigi Green” saber already shining in his left. “You have slain MY Apprentice – one I picked on the Russia version of my show, The Apprentice. Now, thanks to that, once I finish you, I will control Vanuatu, the United States, Coruscant, AND Russia. Then, I will make the whole GALAXY great again!”

The strange orange alien with a fuzzy, hair-like growth on his head chuckled, wrapped head-to-toe in a red cloak made out of “MAGA” hats overlaid on an awkwardly-drawn American flag with the incorrect number of stars and stripes on it.

“Kamala… or, should I say… Darth Ka-Maula…” former President Trump smiled in the light of his two stolen lightsabers, glowing bright in each of his hands from the fallen Apprentices of the two Dark Lords now facing off against one another at last. “Winning is literally my thing. What chance do you think you have against someone like me?”

“Winning may be something you excel at…” the Vice President spoke calmly, using the Force to bring her lightsaber ring weapon back into hand. “But, if I recall correctly, the only time someone stopped you from winning… it was an election, it was last year, and it was ME.”

Trump’s eyes filled with fury, but he said nothing to his confident opponent.

“What’s wrong? Nothing to say without Twitter to hide behind?” Kamala mocked, raising her weapon in challenge to the 45th President.

“I’m going to beat you so bad even a Dominion voting machine can’t put you back together again…” Trump smiled, charging at Kamala as the two clashed blades in an epic cascade of sparking flashes of light.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the background, a third figure watched over the battle, interlacing her fingers and smiling silently to herself, cloaked in a shadow of the Force so thick that even the Dark Lords clashing before her had no idea she was even there at all.

“Excellent…” Kathleen Kennedy smiled over the battle as Kamala and Trump battled evenly against one another in a tremendous display of swordsmanship and skill. “I’m not sure which of the two of them will win in the end. But, whichever one does… I will make them MY new apprentice…”

A cold chill filled the hearts of everyone in the galaxy.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Warning to Hill Valley Residents – Entire Town Will Go “Back to the Future” at 2 AM

(Original Post: March 13, 2021)

Hill Valley, California – Residents of the sleepy town of Hill Valley were less than amused late last night when a man, looking suspiciously like a younger Christopher Lloyd, began running through the streets of their small suburban utopia screaming about time travel.

“Everyone, you have to prepare yourselves!” Emmett “Doc” Brown explained, waking everyone up at the nocturnal hour of 2 am this morning. “Based on my calculations, this time tomorrow, everyone and everything in this town will go… ‘Back to the Future’. One hour in the future, to be precise, and everything that would otherwise occur between the hours of 2 am and 3 am on Sunday, March 14th, 2021 will cease to exist!”

“We know!” A rather irritated looking woman shouted back through the second floor window of her townhouse as “Doc” Brown ran by screaming. “It’s called Daylight Savings Time! Leave us alone!”

“You KNOW about this???” Mr. Brown stopped in his tracks, looking confused. “If they know about the future, then someone else in this town must have gained access to my DeLorean. The only explanation is that someone used the DeLorean to time travel into the future, found out about the missing hour on March 14th, and then returned to this time and told everyone about it. But, to what end? Great Scott, the consequences to the fabric of time and space itself from such interference will be enormous!”

“Yo, Doc… I think maybe we should go home and take those pills I was trying to give you earlier. You know, the ones that make you less like a bad movie character.” a strangely hip young Michael J. Fox lookalike rushed up to the old man a little winded, having been unable to find a hoverboard to help him catch up to the ranting and running old man more quickly after learning of his escapades. “Einstein hasn’t been fed in like a week, and the ASPCA have left like five letters on your door. I don’t think Daylight Savings Time is going to change any of that.”

“YOU know about it, too?” “Doc” Brown eyed his young comrade suspiciously. “But… how? Don’t tell me… YOU’RE the one who took the DeLorean to the future and told all these people about the time skip ahead of me???”

“No, it’s like… Benjamin Franklin started all this. I think.” the orange-jacketed young man scratched his head trying to remember the details of a history class that occurred off-screen. “It’s to ration daylight. So it’s brighter during normal business hours no matter what time of year it is. Any of this ringing a bell?”

“I should have known it was that Franklin chap that started all of this…” the old man’s eyes narrowed, a look of fierce determination in his gaze. “Get my Hoveround, Marty… We’re going to go give ‘Poor Richard’ something to almanac about.”

When residents woke up and began investigating the strange screaming that had disturbed their sleep over the course of the night, not a soul in Hill Valley could locate the man who calls himself “Doc Brown” or the young scruffy-headed teenager who had been trying to get him to take his medication. However, when they began going about their business later that day, the more affluent members of their community noticed that the portrait in the middle of any $100 bills in their possession had changed overnight, replaced with a blurry photo of an old man with white hair sitting on a modern, electric motor scooter.

Members of a group calling themselves the “Legends of Tomorrow” appeared in their town shortly after, to investigate the “second instance of time travel that had occurred in California this week”, but nobody cared.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] “Justice League” Movie News! – HBO Max Release of “Snyder Cut” to Be Joined by New “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”

[March 1, 2021]

New York City, New York – As many fans of DC universe superheroes like Superman, Batman, and the Flash wait for the upcoming release of the “Snyder Cut” of 2017’s DCEU “Justice League” movie, which is scheduled to be released on WarnerMedia’s “HBO Max” streaming service on March 18th, Jason Kilar, CEO of WarnerMedia has announced another new cut of “Justice League” that will also debut on March 18th alongside the Snyder Cut – the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”.

“Many fans of the DCEU feel that the original cut of 2017’s ‘Justice League’ movie simply did not address the Justice League heroes’ love of America’s favorite Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover snacks.” Mr. Kilar explained in a small press briefing this morning outside WarnerMedia’s headquarters in New York. “This cut of the movie, which features many new scenes of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, the Flash, and even Cyborg stopping to catch a breath in the middle of big action scenes to enjoy a bag of their favorite salty pretzel bites, will remedy that obvious mistake.”

When asked how he thought the new movie iteration would stand up to the long awaited ‘Snyder Cut’, Mr. Kilar held his ground.

“Sure, the ‘Snyder Cut’ may show a ‘better’ version of the painfully average ‘Justice League’ movie in a form that long-time fans of DC Comics superheroes will find satisfying,” the CEO conceded, before moving on to his bigger point. “But what is more satisfying than a bag of Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover? Nothing. Frankly, I’m surprised my bosses still want to release the almost pretzel-less ‘Snyder Cut’ of the movie at all, knowing it’s going up against this bad boy.”

Asked if there would be any other changes to the movie other than the inclusion of scenes showing superheroes eating pretzels, Mr. Kilar smiled and happily elaborated.

“Yes, you know that thing that Lex Luthor did in ‘Batman v. Superman’ where he kept eating Jolly Ranchers in the weirdest possible way while making squeaky noises?” the CEO explained giddily to the slightly skeptical reporters gathered before him. “Well, we’ve done some re-editing and a full voice over re-recording of Flash’s lines so now that’s literally ALL he does. For the whole movie. He’s like Lex Luthor 2.0, except… well, we’ve added Lex Luthor back in to the movie, too.”

“Also,” Mr. Kilar continued. “Since ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ broke canon by having Wonder Woman be a superhero in the 80’s despite us originally saying in the DCEU that she disappeared from society after the events of the first Wonder Woman movie, we’re going to add in a scene later in the movie where Gal Gadot comes out and says ‘Remember what I said about not being Wonder Woman anymore since WWI? I was just kidding.’ I know. Brilliant, right?”

“Oh, oh, oh… and there’s this one more thing! This is a big one!” the WarnerMedia CEO continued, as freaked out reporters started gradually walking away from the press conference hoping Mr. Kilar wouldn’t notice. “Remember how Steppenwolf had like no personality in the original movie other than ‘generic CGI villain’? Well, now he’s going to be a pro video gamer who plays Overwatch. And instead of these box things he’s looking for being ‘Mother Cubes’ or whatever, they’re going to be special seasonal Loot Boxes redeemable in Overwatch. See? Now he has a clear motive for all the bad guy stuff he does in the movie!”

Following the WarnerMedia press conference with CEO Jason Kilar, Zach Snyder himself was asked for comment by senior reporter, Michael Hamden, of CBC News, to whom he gave a few thoughts on the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut” being added to HBO Max on March 18th alongside his own “Snyder Cut”.

“All is darkness. Who are we, like gods, to choose what is life over what is death? Insert slow motion fight scene. Now, have Batman kill like five people.” Zach Snyder whispered in a hushed tone to Mr. Hamden, looking around wildly as if other people were in the room, but it was only Snyder and Hamden. “Excuse me, now, I have to go rip off The Flash’s mask so I can reveal his identity to the world. Please enjoy the ‘Snyder Cut’ of that one not terrible movie I made. Bring popcorn, though, because it’s five hours long.”

In a final comment from WarnerMedia, Mr. Kilar tweeted that subscription numbers for HBO Max have more than tripled since the announcement of the “Snyder Cut” and the “Snyder’s Pretzel of Hanover Cut” were made. “The Eye of Zatara” reached out to all five subscribers of HBO Max from before those announcements and confirmed, bandwidth for the service has been heavily strained since the number of subscribers recently leaped from five to something like sixteen or seventeen. Eight of these new subscribers, however, have sworn to burn every streaming device in their house with fire should the “Snyder Cut” of “Justice League” be anything like “Wonder Woman 1984” in quality. (Or “Tom & Jerry”.)

DISCLAIMER: “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover” is not currently affiliated in any way with “The Eye of Zatara”, although we would like them to be. If someone at this or any other pretzel company would like to join “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans as one of our sponsors, please send the usual fifty-five cents and an expired Burger King coupon in an envelope to an address we will provide to you upon receipt of our first bag of discounted Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover, and we will be in contact with you shortly to confirm our sponsorship. That is all.

(If this becomes a YouTube video, insert ad for Displate, Raycon, or Raid: Shadow Legends here… Maybe SurfShark?)

[SATIRE] Emperor Palpatine Faces Backlash for Misreporting Alderaan “Weapons Test” Deaths of 2,000,000,000 as “0”

[February 28, 2021]

Imperial City, Coruscant – Tyrannical dictator of the multi-planetary Galactic Empire, Sheev “Darth Sidious” Palpatine, has come under fire by galactic news services after reports came to light that he had miscounted the number of deaths that resulted on the planet Alderaan from an “accidental weapons test” of the Empire’s new “emergency self-defense weapon”, the “Death Star”, from an estimated 0 deaths as originally reported by the Empire last year, to an estimated 2,000,000,000 deaths as revealed by new reports early last week.

“It was an honest miscalculation,” the Emperor explained in a press conference held Friday afternoon from a dark-lit room filled with white armored Stormtroopers pointing laser rifles at the head of the gathered reporters. “Surely, you cannot fault an old man for a simple miscalculation…”

The Emperor smiled beneath his dark hood as but a single intrepid reporter, Michael Hamden-Skywalker, of Space CBC News, shakely rose his hand to ask the undisputed sovereign ruler of galactic space a question about the misreported numbers. The Emperor tried to force the reporter’s hand down with a tug from the Dark Side of the Force, but Hamden-Skywalker’s high midichlorian count allowed him to resist the simple manipulation.

“Yes, my child? What would you like to ask me?” the Emperor’s eyes glowed a fiery yellow as he locked eyes with the rebellious young journalist.

“Yes, my Emperor-ship, I, um… Well, in addition to new reports showing that, in stark contradiction to your previous claims, billions upon billions of people died in the ‘weapons test’ of the ‘self-defense weapon’ you decided to name the ‘Death Star’ for some reason, I have also heard that the Death Star itself has now unexplainably exploded, resulting in another 1,148,309 fatalies, and the loss of Grand Moff Tarkin, one of the highest ranking commanders in the Imperial Fleet. Is there any truth to these rumors, Lord Palpatine?”

The Emperor wrung his hands and frowned. Michael Hamden-Skywalker continued.

“Also, reports have come out from some of the female staff that serve with you in the Imperial Palace that you have been sexually harassing them, asking them to play ‘Strip Sabacc’ and asking if they’ve ever been involved with ‘astronomically older men’. Do you have a comment in response to these allegations?”

“These are not the questions you wish to ask me…” the Emperor whispered while making a strange hand-swiping gesture with the gnarled, snow-white skin of his right claw of a hand. “These are not the rumors you have heard about me. I am doing an excellent job of leading the Galactic Empire, and I am a perfect gentlemen with all of the staff in the Palace.”

“Princess Leia Organa, formerly of the Planet Alderaan that we have mysteriously lost contact with after your weapons test, reports that you have been repeatedly texting her ‘The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.’ with strange pictures of yourself attached.” Hamden-Skywalker continued, unphased by the Emperor’s Jedi mind trick. “And, even Darth Vader, your second-in-command of the Empire, has come out and called you a ‘Bully’, saying you should be stripped of your Imperial powers. Are you afraid of facing a recall from the citizens of the Empire like Governor Sauron of Middle-California?”

“Oh, look, the Rebel Alliance has broken into my press conference and attacked my favorite reporter from Space CBC News with some kind of terrible lightning weapon…” the Emperor lamented loudly as all of the reporters around the clueless Michael Hamden-Skywalker suddenly scattered. “It is such a shame that no one got to hear any of the great questions he had in mind to ask me when I invited him to this press conference today. Truly a great loss for the Empire.”

“I don’t…” Hamden-Skywalker stammered out a confused answer before the first arcs of Force Lightning made everything clear to him. “Wait, no! Don’t tase me, Bro! Gegegegegegegegegege… I HOPE THEY BRING YOU BACK IN ANOTHER STAR WARS SEQUEL MOVIE!”

Despite the disappearance of most of the reporters involved in the Emperor’s press briefing on Friday, the galactic media continued to press harder and harder against the Emperor regarding the various allegations accumulating against him, forcing him to finally give a public statement on the matter to media outlets over the weekend.

“You think I am evil? If you strike me down, you will face something more powerful than you can possibly imagine!” the Emperor hissed threateningly in a brief interview with sympathetic press on NIR, National Imperial Radio, this Sunday evening. “If I go, the Walt Disney Corporation will take over the Galactic Empire in my stead. Then, you shall see the face of true evil!”

Reporters were sent late Sunday evening to the Walt Disney Corporation to request a comment on the remarks made by Emperor Palpatine a few hours earlier, but they have not returned. Rumors suggest they were forcibly made into characters for new Star Wars “The High Republic” novels, and then laughed out of existence due to their poor designs. Michael Hamden-Skywalker’s belongings were found early this morning by Imperial scouts on Tatooine, scarred with lightning and scattered near the edge of a Sarlacc Pit.

In other news, Emperor Palpatine has won an Emmy Award for his charming, reassuring banter with the public during the terrible “Hoth Offensive” instigated by the Rebel Alliance on a distant snow planet.

[SATIRE] Justice League Recommends Superheroes “Double Mask” to Better Protect Their Secret Identities

[February 24, 2021]

Hall of Justice, Washington, D.C. – The superhero organization, Justice League of America, consisting of legendary stalwart defenders of the world such as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, has issued new recommendations to ground level superheroes on the streets of America and beyond – specifically, that when going into action, they “double mask” to better protect their secret identities from supervillains trying to rip off their capes and cowls to find out who they are.

“We’ve lost some good heroes lately…” Batman recounted to reporters gathered at the small Justice League press conference on their new “double mask” initiative. “Just last month, the Joker ripped Nightwing’s mask right off his face, snapped a picture of him with a cell phone, and posted it right to Instagram before anyone could stop him. If only he’d listened to me about wearing a second mask… he’d still be out there passive aggressively fighting crime alongside me sometimes.”

“I didn’t realize it when I went on the prowl, but one of the strings on my mask was a little frayed.” The Green Arrow explained, in a social media post supporting the new double mask recommendation, “There I was, fighting my archnemesis, Zach Snyder, (“The Director”), when there’s this… strong breeze out of nowhere, and my mask goes flying across the street into a subway entrance. Good thing I’m CW version Green Arrow, and all of my friends and enemies already know my secret identity anyway.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about this whole double mask thing, guys.” the Flash chimed in, while trying to clean some blood off the side of his trademark red and yellow costume. “I mean, I rush around town at approximately 90-150 miles per hour, and it’s hard enough to see through this mask/hood thing I’ve got going on at that speed. I tried wearing a second mask the other day while cruisin’ around town on patrol, and… I kind of… crashed into a bunch of things. A BUNCH of things. I think I may have killed a man…”

“Come on, it’s not that hard to see in two masks.” Superman replied, having overheard Flash’s remarks with his super hearing and flown over to join the conversation faster than a speeding bullet.

“Says the guy who doesn’t wear any masks.” the Flash rolled his eyes.

“I am confused. I don’t wear a ‘mask’, per se. Should I wear a double tiara instead?” Wonder Woman chimed in, having made herself invisible to eavesdrop on the conversation, since making things invisible is apparently now one of her powers. “I’m certainly not wearing a regular mask combined with my tiara. I can’t breathe in those things.”

Despite some strong objections to the new policy, many superheroes affiliated with the Justice League have begun alterations to their costume to comply with the new “double mask” recommendation. Others have begun testing a new “secret identity vaccine” that injects some of the Martian Manhunter’s shapeshifting cells into the face of a superhero to let them temporarily alter their appearance in the event that their mask is removed.

Few, however, have noted the strange hand of a powerful cosmic entity who calls himself “Dr. Forcey” in the creation of these new recommendations, one whose relentlessly controlling grip on the superhero industry is not to be trifled with by mortal men, and whose intellect surpasses all imagination. He can do no wrong. His superpower? “Fact-checking” those who oppose his recommendations on social media, making them appear like crackpot lunatics, ostracizing them from all public discourse until they are completely ignored by society, shunned and abandoned even by the heroes and institutions created to protect them. This is all for their own good, however, we have been assured.

Of the major Justice League of America superheroes, only Aquaman was unavailable for comment at this time on the new “double mask” initiative. It is rumored this is because he is in an inpatient alcohol abuse rehabilitation center, after becoming addicted while trying to be “edgy”, a consequence of his addition to the DC Extended Universe movies. Green Lantern was, however, available for comment, but would only say to one lone reporter, “No, I ain’t having any part of this mess. You all figure it out. It’s way too stupid on both sides right now.” Supergirl and Hawkgirl agreed.

[SATIRE] North Korea Abandons Conventional Arms, Announces “Moon-Sized Space Station with Turbo Laser Technology”

[Original Post: May 4, 2017]

Pyongyang – After several failed missile and nuclear weapon tests have slowed down his efforts for a “Super-Mighty Pre-Emptive Strike” against America, megalomaniacal North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has reportedly abandoned plans to threaten the rest of the world with conventional weaponry, and is now planning on building some sort of “tremendous moon-sized space station armed with turbo laser technology capable of vaporizing planetoids”. Throwing away their crayon on construction paper drawings for liquid fuel rocket technology, North Korean scientists (all three of them) are hurriedly getting out their tracing paper and colored pencils to begin the first stages of creating what Kim Jong-Un has promised to be “the end of that rotting Old Republic, America, and the birth of a glorious new Empire”.

South Korean officials, concerned about North Korea’s new plans, are already theorizing ways to stop Kim Jong-Un’s military scientists before completion of their new weapon, either by stopping the creation of the massive planet-destroying space station outright, or by subtlely sabotaging it in some way to create an exploitable weakness that can be used to destroy the super weapon in the event that Kim Jong-Un is ever able to successfully complete it, possibly hidden in some sort of minor sub-system that would be easy for North Korean scientists to overlook like waste disposal or thermal exhaust ventilation.

Also troubled by the new development in North Korea, President Trump has announced plans to send over two dozen of the nation’s latest military fighter craft, state-of-the-art new fighter jets developed by Lockheed Martin with a revolutionary “folding wing” design technology, which will aid the South Korean air force in the event of all out war against North Korea’s moon-sized space station. These prototype aircraft, currently bearing the experimental fighter plane designation XW-1-6 “Wingwalker”, are rumored to already be in transit now to an undisclosed South Korean military base on the Yavin Peninsula, to be piloted and deployed sometime next week by South Korea’s legendary air force color guard, the Red and Gold Squadrons.

Naming his new theoretical weapon of mass destruction the “Red Star” (after the large red star in a moon-like field of white on the North Korean flag, an emblem that closely resembles this new weapon), Kim Jong-Un has repeatedly ignored all attempts by the United Nations to stop his plans to apparently destroy the entire planet Earth if it does not submit to him. Also confusing is Jong-Un’s simultaneous ultimatums that the West “destroy all the Jedi”, so that “only the Sith will remain”, puzzling Korean translators who speculate that “Jedi” may be an attempt by Kim Jong-Un to say the America word “jet”, as in jet plane, in the English tongue, and that the North Korean dictator is requesting all air forces worldwide to be dismantled if he is to be expected to stop building the Red Star. “Sith” is believed to be a similar error by the North Korean dictator while attempting to say the word “South” in English, although this translation is debated, as it seems unclear as to why the North Korean dictator would want “only the South [to] remain”. Some speculate he is not only mispronouncing, but incorrectly switching the English words for “North” and “South” while arrogantly attempting to mix two languages into his unstable demands.

Whatever the dictator’s intentions, it seems clear that the world community cannot simply allow him to continue with his plans to build a planet-destroying weapon right under their noses. Already, the North Korean dictator has become furious at the posting of a U.S. aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Alderaan, right off his territorial waters, threatening to make the American aircraft carrier his “first target” immediately after activating the completed Red Star space station. The European Union has already begun probing North Korea for more information about the super weapon, for the first time ever confirming their use of a secret, heavily classified combined European intelligence agency known as the “Bothnian Interest”, named after Scandinavia’s Bothnian Bay rumored to be in close proximity to the hidden location of their underground headquarters, confirming these “Bothnian” agents have already infiltrated and will continue to infiltrate North Korea for more information on their new weapon. In response, Kim Jong-Un threatened the European Union, saying coyly “You want information on my Red Star? Many Bothnians will die to bring you that information.” and “Their mission is not a legal one. It is a criminal one. A Rogue One. I will stop it.”

As Kim Jong-Un moves ahead with his creation of the Red Star super weapon, much of the world is forced to watch and wait, relying on the growing Alliance of nations unwilling to tolerate Kim Jong-Un’s potential domination of our world under threat of total planetary annihilation.

In other news, President of the United Nations General Assembly, Peter Thompson voluntarily stepped down today, being replaced by a new United Nations President more equipped to deal with the growing threat of Darkness posed by nations of North Korea, a quiet and soft-spoken man of mild temperament, Al Patine of the small island nation of Coruscant. The meek but wise Al Patine promised this morning “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.” He then smiled, slyly, and added, “I love democracy. I love… Earth.” before slinking away into the shadows of the room with a tall man with red body paint on his face, as well as another, more aristocratic looking man who seemed out-of-place as if he had been thrown into the whole situation at the last minute in place of someone else.

[SATIRE] SAG Announces All Upcoming TV and Movie Roles to Be Filled by Jeff Goldblum; Other Actors/Actresses Too Busy with Politics

(Original Post: February 11, 2017)

In a surprising announcement by the Screen Actors’ Guild association today, starting March 1, 2017, all future television and movie roles will, for the foreseeable future, be filled exclusively by Oscar and Emmy nominated actor, Jeff Goldblum, best known for his classic roles in the “Jurassic Park” and “Independence Day” franchises. The 64-year-old Pennsylvania-born actor will be filling in for both male and female parts, using carefully-applied make-up and wardrobe modifications to align his appearance with that of the original actor or actress chosen to play the part before this announcement, imitating their speaking and acting style to the best of his ability, to make it appear as if he were really that actor or actress, albeit in a much more awkward, nerdy, and clearly Goldblumish way.

“It’s unfortunate that we had to do this, but actors and actresses are bound to a higher calling than simply that of entertainers,” Carrie Redtep of the Screen Actors’ Guild association explained to Michael Hamden, senior reporter from CBC News in an impromptu press conference late Thursday. “Until Hollywood’s actors and actresses complete the extensive work required of them for the next four years by their primary career path of political activists, they simply do not have the time or energy to spend on their side jobs as television and movie personalities. Fortunately, Mr. Goldblum, whose political beliefs are much too complicated for him to explain even using his large vocabulary and smooth, but almost incomprehensible, cadence, has agreed to step up and fill the entertainment opportunities of Hollywood’s greats until they can achieve the political success the rest of country overwhelmingly requires of them as people who play make believe for a living.”

Jeff Goldblum himself, despite being worked nearly to the bone, seems to be alright with the arrangement, calling it a “Kafkaesque metamorphosis of his career, serendipitiously driven by his subconscious Descartian declaration of self by ego, personifying himself, not unsurprisingly, in a Shakesperean employment of comedy and tragedy that rotates endlessly in Samsara, bringing phoenix-like revival to his previous Mephistophelian temptations of surrender to obscurity and allowing herald-like re-declaration of his personal inventory in a monomyth-like reinterpretation of self, akin to Odysseus’ ostentacious self-revelation on his unprophesied return to his familiar, sadly patriarchal power structure in the conclusion of Homer’s sweeping epic as generally interpreted by modern scholastic reasoning.”

As of the posting of this article, no translation to the above text has been offered by the Screen Actors’ Guild or Mr. Goldblum.

While the full details and exact duration of the total replacement of all television and movie roles by Jeff Goldblum have yet to be clarified by anyone in Hollywood outside of a vague “four to eight years – maybe less, if we get our way” timetable offered by Miss Redtep to SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings near the end of her press conference, it is clear that the March 1st, 2017 date of its beginning is a hard start, as a new season of “Law and Order: Normal Victims Unit” in which both primary New York City detectives, their stalwart police chief, the District Attorney, the ADA, and all suspects, victims, criminals, and on-lookers will be played by Mr. Goldblum, is set to air Wednesday the 1st, beginning with a two part special in which a twisted serial killer (played by Jeff Goldblum) is randomly poisoning orders of Chinese delivery in the New York City area, resulting in the death of a sitting judge (played by Jeff Goldblum) who was the childhood mentor of Assistant District Attorney Jeff Coldwin (played by Jeff Goldblum), resulting in him starting to blur the lines of right and wrong, threatening not only to end his career as an Assistant District Attorney, but to endanger the lives of Detective Mike Endsgrove (played by Jeff Goldblum) and Detective Karrin Niyachek (played by Jeff Goldblum), who get caught up in the serial killer’s dangerous web while trying to rein in ADA Coldwin. The episode will guest star Jeff Goldblum as a conscientious and observant street performer who provides the crucial clue needed to finally track down the serial killer, ending his reign of terror and saving ADA Coldwin’s career.

During his interview with the Screen Actors’ Guild’s Carrie Redtep, Michael Hamden attempted to press the now impatient-looking PR rep for more information, but was quickly brushed off as Miss Redtep exited into a large, black, stretch limousine waiting parked for her on a nearby curb and honking.

“I’d like to provide more information on the calling the American people have placed upon Hollywood to act as its moral center in this time of political crisis and division, but, unfortunately, I have a prior engagement.” Miss Redtep explained, while hurrying off in heels and a red, designer dress to meet her limo driver. “I’ve got advance tickets for that new, even filthier ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ sequel, so I can’t tarry, but I’ll be happy to speak to you about Hollywood’s responsibility as the all-knowing conscience of America at a later date, if you’d like to please schedule something with my Administrative Assistant.”

As of the posting of this article, no further information has been offered by Carrie Redtep, or anyone else from the Screen Actors’ Guild, to the media on the subject of Jeff Goldblum’s total assimilation of all American television and movies roles. An entertainment reporter, however, is claiming on popular news blog, NowNews, that he saw Miss Redtep leaving the theater playing her long anticipated “Fifty Shades Darker” movie Thursday night only about halfway into the flick, quickly buying a ticket for “Lego Batman” before switching films, her face as beet red as her dress. She was, unfortunately, the only viewer to do so.

[SATIRE] “Leather Wrapped Stone” Sells Out at Nordstrom; Lex Luthor Takes Credit

(Original Post: December 13, 2016)

As part of an ingenius plan to finally kill the heroic “Man of Steel”, evil supervillain mastermind Lex Luthor confirmed today that the $85 “Medium Leather Wrapped Stone” recently sold out at Nordstrom stores throughout the country for previously inexplicable reasons was, in fact, supplied to the popular department store chain and marketed by his company, LexCorp, and is comprised mostly of radioactive Kryptonite, a greenish element foreign to Earth’s periodic table that serves as the only known weakness to the otherwise indestructible defender of “Truth, Justice, and the American Way”, Superman.

“The discovery of a new Kryptonite meteor in the Los Angeles area left me with an excellent opportunity.” Lex Luthor announced cockily to a slightly agitated looking Clark Kent from the Daily Planet at a press conference event earlier this morning. “To put Kryptonite in the home of countless otherwise innocent citizens throughout the country, putting Superman in a ‘Russian Roulette’ situation where entering any well-to-do residence to help its inhabitants could very well lead to his untimely death, as the particle emissions released by Kryptonite are not only toxic to all Kryptonian life forms, but even close proximity to them can rob someone like the ‘Man of Steel’ of his superpowers, leaving him no more powerful than, say, our Mr. Kent here.”

Marketed as a “paperweight”, “conversation piece”, or “work of art”, depending on its owner’s subjective whim, the “Leather Wrapped Stone” is now nearly impossible to find, as it is not only completely sold out on Nordstrom’s website, but sold out in nearly all of its individual local stores, as well, despite appearing to be little more than a common pebble in a fancy leather half-pouch resembling something a child might make at Boy Scout Camp for their parents. When asked how he managed to convince otherwise intelligent, hard-working citizens to invest so much money into something they could easily pick up on the side of the road for free, Lex Luthor simply smiled as a second figure approached from the back of the room to share the podium with him.

“That was my doing,” a tall, bald humanoid with inhuman-looking green skin spoke ominously and somewhat condescendingly to the crowd of reporters gathered at the early morning LexCorp press conference. “As a 12th level intellect, creating an advertising campaign capable of tricking people with too much money on their hands into purchasing a glorified sling stone was child’s play once Mr. Luthor here provided the Kryptonite to fulfill his part of the plan. Soon, as our ‘Leather Wrapped Stones’ find themselves in more and more homes, offices, and businesses; moving from residential table and countertops to workplace desks, department store shelves, and countless other locations unforeseen even to the great Superman himself, he will find it impossible to safely continue to help the people of Metropolis or anywhere else in the country, and will be forced to either retire his cape of superheroism, or eventually die after rushing into a smoke-filled room on fire, store being robbed, or home collapsing due to earthquake, only to he himself fall by the hands of one of these lethal, Kryptonian-killing ‘conversation pieces’.”

“One question if I could, Mr. Luthor, and um… Acquaintance.” Michael Hamden of CBC News interjected, getting a little closer to the podium after a sweating and suddenly sick-looking Clark Kent excused himself from the press conference, the journalist glancing over his shoulder at a sample “Leather Wrapped Stone” sitting on a display table in front of Mr. Luther beside a mason jar of “Granny’s Peach Tea” and large, unopened bag of “Jolly Ranchers” candies.

“…it’s Brainiac.” the otherworldly green man answered Mr. Hamden coldly.

“Yes, Mr. Luthor and Mr. Brainiac.” Michael Hamden stuttered a little nervously, before continuing on with his query. “If you’re trying to kill Superman with these Kryptonite rocks, why announce it to the public? Why announce it to the world? Doesn’t that seem a little counterproductive to your goals here?”

Lex Luthor smiled before taking back the podium from his otherworldly supervillain accomplice.

“What does it matter?” Lex’s cocky grin grew wider as he revealed the depth of his criminal genius for all the world to see. “The Kryptonite stones have all already been purchased. They’re being shipped to houses across the country as we speak. They’re being laid in ribbon-wrapped boxes beneath the boughs of lavishly-decorated trees of the well-to-do where they will sleep undisturbed until the joy of Christmas morning. Don’t you see, Mr. Hamden? The deed is done! I’ve already won! I’ve convinced a nation of fools to buy their own coal for loved ones this holiday season, and now Superman – even almighty Superman – has not the power to stop me. Merry Christmas, Son of Krypton! Merry Christmas, oh great Man of Steel! There is no Grinch to steal Christmas this year, so fly down chimneys to rescue the weak and poor if you dare, but, know, a glowing surprise may be waiting around the tree to deck your halls – and it’s not Rudolph’s nose shining so bright this time.”

Lex Luthor then ended the scheduled press conference by cackling maniacally at the top of his lungs, before awkwardly trying to force multiple people around him to eat Jolly Ranchers for no reason. The “Man of Steel”, Superman, could not be reached by “Eye of Zatara” sources for comment, but a paranoid-looking Batman has reportedly purchased several new “Leather Wrapped Stones” found hidden in the back of a Nordstrom warehouse in Gotham City several hours ago “just in case [I] need to make him bleed again”. Fellow “Justice League of America” member Aquaman has also made himself available for comment, but has not received any inquiries or questions from the media at this time, resulting in several tweets of “:(” from the water-based superhero in the last several hours, all of which were ignored by his three Twitter followers.

[SATIRE] Arrow Season Five’s Antagonist Has “Failed Everyone”

Overwhelmed by the hits to their blog after posting insider information about Flash Season 3, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com reached out to another confidential source earlier this week and obtained similar information about the upcoming Season 5 of Arrow, information which was posted in its entirety to the blog’s main page late last night, creating an even greater shock and buzz among the show’s still growing fanbase than the Flash posting.

“Season Five will attempt to bring Green Arrow into a larger DC Universe than ever before,” an unnamed, eye-patched informant with the code name “Deep Stroke” reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.com in posted information. “Seeking to unify the growing numbers of superheroes combating the rising tide of supervillains throughout the Flash/Arrow universe, Oliver Queen travels in the beginning of Season 5 to the cities of Gotham City and Metropolis to enlist the aid of two well-noted superheroes rumored to be operating out of those cities. When he gets there, however, things are not as he expected. Superman is dead, and Batman is in prison for branding and killing criminals instead of simply catching them and turning them over to the Gotham City Police as in the past. That’s when Green Arrow encounters the evil mastermind behind it all, the one responsible for destroying two of the greatest superheroes in the entire DC Universe – Zach Snyder.”

Known in the Flash/Arrow universe as “The Director”, Zach Snyder is an enemy with the ability to completely re-write everything that the Arrow believes in and stands for, something no villain before him has been able to do.

“Merlyn made Oliver question his past, and forced him to face an enemy with his same set of abilities, only greater. Mysel, I mean, Deathstroke made Oliver question his own ability to make a difference for good, while bringing the threats and danger of Lian Yu with him back to Starling City.” confidential informant Deep Stroke continued, speaking with the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com via Farcebook Messenger. “Ra’s al Ghul forced Oliver to confront his own darkness, and the potential inevitability of falling prey to that darkness. Damian Darhk tempted Oliver to return to the darkness, questioned the validity of his decision to remain in the light, and confronted the non-superpowered hero with magical powers the Green Arrow could barely understand much less equal with his mere physical prowess and arrows.”

“The Director” will apparently question Oliver Queen’s very identity itself, using a power called “Rewrite” to change everything about who the Green Arrow is in an instant, converting him from a hero of light back into the gritty darkness that clothed him in Season 1 and worse, an anti-hero willing to kill without second thought, even if the reason he was killing people made absolutely no sense.

“The Director” features other powers, as well, according to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s source, however, including the power to alter human perception, causing his opponents to engage in strange dream sequences that make them feel confused and disjointed when returning to normal reality, along with other strange perception-based gimmicks like causing opponents to feel they are moving in slow motion for “dramatic effect” to throw off their timing, and making opponents become overly emotional in response to certain hypnotically-planted keywords in their mind such as the name of their city, the name of their mother, etc..

In the end, Season Five will lead up to a massive battle between Team Arrow and “The Director”, beginning with Oliver Queen’s assertion that Zach Snyder “has failed EVERYONE.”

In addition to revealing this new information about Season Five, however, the spoiler from Deep Stroke to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com also shut down some rumors swirling around the Internet in regards to what some fans were expecting in the upcoming season of Arrow.

“I know there was a lot of talk that a multitude of other superheroes would make quick, unexpected, and frankly, unneeded, cameos in Season Five to establish the groundwork for a Flash/Arrow universe ‘Justice League’ as quickly as possible,” Deep Stroke explained, while staring at an old grainy photo of a young Japanese woman and softly crying to himself when he thought the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com wasn’t looking. “But, no, we’re not doing that. That’s stupid. Arrow is Arrow. What does this look like? A fan fiction?”

After revealing so much insider information about the upcoming seasons of both The Flash and Arrow, many dedicated fans of the DC-TV-Spoilers.Com blog asked if they would soon also be spoiling details about the upcoming season of closely linked new shows, “Supergirl” and “Legends of Tomorrow”, to which the editor of the Flash/Arrow universe blog responded, “What? No. What are those? Are you just making crap up to confuse me? Those things aren’t real.”

The editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com then banned the IP of the inquisitive site viewer for “trolling”.

Since the posting of this article, DC-TV-Spoilers has officially admitted to the existence of new DC universe television show “Supergirl”, but still continues to assert that “Legends of Tomorrow” is just the name of an old kids game show featuring a talking stone face named Olmec that asked the kids stupid questions. Attempts to ask them the identity of their confidential, eye-patched informant “Deep Stroke” have also gone unanswered.

[SATIRE] Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH

(Original Post: July 7, 2016)

In yet another shocking report revealed today by Tesla Motors concerning their experimental, self-driving “AutoPilot” system, officials in the small town of Hill Valley, California have confirmed the disappearance of one Martin J. McFly in what has been described as “a brilliant flash of otherworldly light leaving two tire tracks of fire extending forward on the road along the projected path of his vehicle”. Mr. McFly, a local delinquent with a history of assault convictions due to what several prosecutors have called a “hair trigger temper instantly ignited by the utterance of the common name for domesticed poultry”, had reportedly come across a Tesla AutoPilot system during a short-lived part time job at a mechanic’s shop, and, on a dare, installed the AutoPilot into a neighbor’s classic Delorean DMC-12 sedan before taking the then stolen vehicle on a brief, computer-guided joy ride.

Mr. McFly’s parents are grief-stricken about his disappearance just over a week ago today, but have refused to give up hope that their boy will someday return to them.

“I just know Marty’s still alive out there somewhere…” his mother, Mrs. McFly babbled, while stuffing her face with a handful of gravy-covered mashed potatoes from a popular fast food restaurant before washing the starchy appetizer down with a glass of cheap wine. “I got a post card from him the other day. Postmarked 1985. I don’t really understand that part, but the point is that my boy is still doing fine, living his life somewhere near… what appears to be a working clock tower, although the photo’s kind of grainy.”

“I’d say it was actually Hill Valley,” his mother added, “but our clock tower hasn’t worked in years.”

Reporters have attempted to interview the owner of the stolen Delorean, a local scientist and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, but our sources report that Hill Valley officials ended this line of investigation due to “Mr. Brown’s clearly declining mental state”.

“GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???” Mr. Brown screamed obliviously into our reporter’s face as she attempted to interview him earlier this morning concerning Mr. McFly’s sudden disappearance. “NO… NO… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. I CAN’T KNOW. ANY LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME COULD CAUSE A TEMPORAL PARADOX THAT THREATENS TO TEAR A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! OR WORSE, YOUR ADVISING ME OF THE PAST, COULD CAUSE OUR TIMELINE TO VEER OFF INTO AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE, WHERE THE ACTOR, RONALD REAGAN, IS ACTUALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND WHO KNOWS HOW THAT WOULD EFFECT THINGS? THIS ISN’T GOOD. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I’VE GOT TO GO BACK! DON’T YOU AGREE, EINSTEIN? I’VE GOT TO GO BACK NOW!”

“Um… Go where?” our reporter then asked nervously, reaching anxiously for the small can of mace hidden somewhere deep within her purse beneath a couple recently purchased CDs from a band called “The Starlighters”.

“WHAT? YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND? WHY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, OF COURSE!”

At this point, our reporter immediately terminated the interview, fearing for her safety as a result of Mr. Brown’s clearly aggitated and incoherent mental state, and running for the door as quickly as possible before driving off in one of our news vans also at ironically about 88 MPH.

Hill Valley officials say the search for Mr. McFly’s current whereabouts is ongoing, but advise the public not to automatically assume the Tesla AutoPilot system is to blame before the completion of their full investigation.

“It is clear that Delorean DMC-12s do not usually disappear into thin air in the middle of shopping mall parking lots while leaving nothing but a spinning ‘OUTATIME’ vanity plate and trails of sparks and flame on the ground behind them.” Local police chief James Strickland was quoted this morning during a formal press conference on the subject. “Nonetheless, we have learned that Mr. McFly had recently gotten involved in betting on horse races, so we are continuing to investigate this and other angles until Mr. McFly’s whereabouts can, at last, be confirmed.”

“He may also be operating under the alias of ‘Calvin Klein’.” Chief Strickland later added.

When a reporter from BBC News asked if there were any updates on a similar case involving a Tesla AutoPilot system being installed in 1960s London police box held by a collector in Hill Valley before the makeshift transportation device also disappeared without a trace. Mr. Strickland’s only reply was that “The Master” would not allow him to speak on the topic any further. The press conference was then abruptly terminated, and all attendees were advised to watch out for statues going home.