Author: The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] “Leather Wrapped Stone” Sells Out at Nordstrom; Lex Luthor Takes Credit

(Original Post: December 13, 2016)

As part of an ingenius plan to finally kill the heroic “Man of Steel”, evil supervillain mastermind Lex Luthor confirmed today that the $85 “Medium Leather Wrapped Stone” recently sold out at Nordstrom stores throughout the country for previously inexplicable reasons was, in fact, supplied to the popular department store chain and marketed by his company, LexCorp, and is comprised mostly of radioactive Kryptonite, a greenish element foreign to Earth’s periodic table that serves as the only known weakness to the otherwise indestructible defender of “Truth, Justice, and the American Way”, Superman.

“The discovery of a new Kryptonite meteor in the Los Angeles area left me with an excellent opportunity.” Lex Luthor announced cockily to a slightly agitated looking Clark Kent from the Daily Planet at a press conference event earlier this morning.  “To put Kryptonite in the home of countless otherwise innocent citizens throughout the country, putting Superman in a ‘Russian Roulette’ situation where entering any well-to-do residence to help its inhabitants could very well lead to his untimely death, as the particle emissions released by Kryptonite are not only toxic to all Kryptonian life forms, but even close proximity to them can rob someone like the ‘Man of Steel’ of his superpowers, leaving him no more powerful than, say, our Mr. Kent here.”

Marketed as a “paperweight”, “conversation piece”, or “work of art”, depending on its owner’s subjective whim, the “Leather Wrapped Stone” is now nearly impossible to find, as it is not only completely sold out on Nordstrom’s website, but sold out in nearly all of its individual local stores, as well, despite appearing to be little more than a common pebble in a fancy leather half-pouch resembling something a child might make at Boy Scout Camp for their parents.  When asked how he managed to convince otherwise intelligent, hard-working citizens to invest so much money into something they could easily pick up on the side of the road for free, Lex Luthor simply smiled as a second figure approached from the back of the room to share the podium with him.

“That was my doing,” a tall, bald humanoid with inhuman-looking green skin spoke ominously and somewhat condescendingly to the crowd of reporters gathered at the early morning LexCorp press conference.  “As a 12th level intellect, creating an advertising campaign capable of tricking people with too much money on their hands into purchasing a glorified sling stone was child’s play once Mr. Luthor here provided the Kryptonite to fulfill his part of the plan.  Soon, as our ‘Leather Wrapped Stones’ find themselves in more and more homes, offices, and businesses; moving from residential table and countertops to workplace desks, department store shelves, and countless other locations unforeseen even to the great Superman himself, he will find it impossible to safely continue to help the people of Metropolis or anywhere else in the country, and will be forced to either retire his cape of superheroism, or eventually die after rushing into a smoke-filled room on fire, store being robbed, or home collapsing due to earthquake, only to he himself fall by the hands of one of these lethal, Kryptonian-killing ‘conversation pieces’.”

“One question if I could, Mr. Luthor, and um… Acquaintance.” Michael Hamden of CBC News interjected, getting a little closer to the podium after a sweating and suddenly sick-looking Clark Kent excused himself from the press conference, the journalist glancing over his shoulder at a sample “Leather Wrapped Stone” sitting on a display table in front of Mr. Luther beside a mason jar of “Granny’s Peach Tea” and large, unopened bag of “Jolly Ranchers” candies.

“…it’s Brainiac.” the otherworldly green man answered Mr. Hamden coldly.

“Yes, Mr. Luthor and Mr. Brainiac.” Michael Hamden stuttered a little nervously, before continuing on with his query.  “If you’re trying to kill Superman with these Kryptonite rocks, why announce it to the public?  Why announce it to the world?  Doesn’t that seem a little counterproductive to your goals here?”

Lex Luthor smiled before taking back the podium from his otherworldly supervillain accomplice.

“What does it matter?” Lex’s cocky grin grew wider as he revealed the depth of his criminal genius for all the world to see.  “The Kryptonite stones have all already been purchased.  They’re being shipped to houses across the country as we speak.  They’re being laid in ribbon-wrapped boxes beneath the boughs of lavishly-decorated trees of the well-to-do where they will sleep undisturbed until the joy of Christmas morning.  Don’t you see, Mr. Hamden?  The deed is done!  I’ve already won!  I’ve convinced a nation of fools to buy their own coal for loved ones this holiday season, and now Superman – even almighty Superman – has not the power to stop me.  Merry Christmas, Son of Krypton!  Merry Christmas, oh great Man of Steel!  There is no Grinch to steal Christmas this year, so fly down chimneys to rescue the weak and poor if you dare, but, know, a glowing surprise may be waiting around the tree to deck your halls – and it’s not Rudolph’s nose shining so bright this time.”

Lex Luthor then ended the scheduled press conference by cackling maniacally at the top of his lungs, before awkwardly trying to force multiple people around him to eat Jolly Ranchers for no reason.  The “Man of Steel”, Superman, could not be reached by “Eye of Zatara” sources for comment, but a paranoid-looking Batman has reportedly purchased several new “Leather Wrapped Stones” found hidden in the back of a Nordstrom warehouse in Gotham City several hours ago “just in case [I] need to make him bleed again”.  Fellow “Justice League of America” member Aquaman has also made himself available for comment, but has not received any inquiries or questions from the media at this time, resulting in several tweets of “:(” from the water-based superhero in the last several hours, all of which were ignored by his three Twitter followers.

[SATIRE] Weekly Shonen Jump Announces “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” for January of 2017

(Original Post: December 8, 2016)

In an exciting move meant to reinvigorate their fan base after the incredibly disappointing final chapters of “Bleach” earlier this year, “Weekly Shonen Jump” magazine spokesman Akira Natsuhara announced today the return of one of its most beloved franchises in form of “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!”, a continuation of the original “Rurouni Kenshin” storyline concluded by Nobuhiro Watsuki well over a decade ago in which main character, Kenshin Himora, awakens the power of the “Super Battosai God” inside him to battle against a litany of new, supernatural villains that take the form of deities in the Rurouni Kenshin universe far above the abilities and skills of the humans Kenshin had battled up to this point as the legendary “Battosai the Manslayer”.

Written by Nobuhiro Watsuki himself, the annoucement of “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” has quickly become one of the biggest trending topics on popular anime news sites. Even so, not all reaction to it has been positive.  Akira Toriyama, artist and writer of the classic Shonen Jump manga “Dragon Ball Z” tweeted yesterday that he believes “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” to be a direct plagiarism of his new Dragon Ball series, “Dragon Ball Super”, and will henceforth be changing the name of the series to “Dragon Ball Super Duper” in order to avoid any confusion with Watsuki’s “imitation”.  Watsuki shot back in protest several hours later, tweeting that he doesn’t see how his idea for “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” can be considered a ripoff of Toriyama’s “Dragon Ball Super” when “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!” has the word “Super” offset by a hyphen on one side and exclamation point on the other, while Toriyama’s “Dragon Ball Super” just has the word Super “sitting out there in the open without any real emphasis on it at all”.

Since then, rumors have begun to circulate about a supposed new manga by Yoshihiro Togashi entitled “Yu Yu Hakusho – Ultra!!!” and a possible new series by Hideaki Anno named “Super Neon Genesis Evangelion Mega :)!!!!!!!”  Yoshihiro Togashi could not be reached for comment about his new work as he was busy taking his sweet time with a new chapter of “Hunter x Hunter”, but Hideaki Anno did respond to inquiries about “Super Neon Genesis Evangelion Mega :)!!!!!!”, but only by quoting random passages from a Jewish Torah, mumbling something nonsensical about Sigmund Freud, and alluding to his past childhood traumas and fears.  None of the bloggers polled about his response could give a clear answer as to what it meant.  New logos for “Dragon Ball Super” have surfaced, as well, now calling the series “Super Dragon Ball Super Duper Ultra – Mega – Deluxe Ultimate Premium Alpha Edition!!! XoXoXoXoXoX!!!!!!!!!!”, the new graphics supposedly from an ever increasingly irritated Akira Toriyama, who will now only refer to Nobuhiro Watsuki by the nickname of “Captain Ginyu”, saying Watsuki has “stolen the body of [my] work for his gain, and left me helpless and injured”.

Multiple eyewitnesses close to Toriyama have reported significant signs of stress physically visible on his body, including a sickly reddish hue present in his hair and eyes, and a possible lapse into alcoholism as he walks around asking people for “Beers” while slurring the word as “Beerus”.  Alcoholism may also be a cause of diuresis in Toriyama according to reports of him talking about needing to “Whis”.  After hearing these disturbing accounts, many fellow manga artists have jumped in to show their love and support for Akira Toriyama, and his impressive body of work.  Natsuki Takaya sent a Fruits Basket to Toriyama to boost his general health through better nutrition, while Tite Kubo sent him Bleach specifically to counteract the reported change in hair color.  Eiichiro Oda apparently put together an entire care package of food and sweets to cheer up the frustrated Toriyama, but left it in some forgotten, undisclosed location, only able to remember that the care package is somewhere in his home, unopened and in One Piece.  Hiro Mashima has openly dismissed all reports of Akira Toriyama’s hair changing color as a Fairy Tail, but says he wishes his fellow manga artist well.

Despite pushback from Akira Toriyama, “Weekly Shonen Jump” magazine plans to continue pushing forward with a January 2017 time table for the beginning of “Rurouni Kenshin – Super!”‘s serialization.  Talks of an anime version of the manga are already in the works, and Nobuhiro Watsuki says he cannot be more pleased with the overwhelming fan support of his new chapter in the “Rurouni Kenshin” franchise.  “I thought I was going to get some backlash, I really did, when I announced that not only would Kenshin and his friends be returning, but they’d be fighting alien deities from other planets with supernatural powers that made them glow like different colors of the rainbow.  Then, I watched a couple episodes of Gin Tama, and, suddenly, my unusual premise felt normal again.”

Hideaki Sorachi, the creator of “Gin Tama”, responded to this comment by announcing Gintoki Sakata (the name of his manga’s main character) would permanently die in the next chapter of “Gin Tama”, only for the next chapter to be a short story about the actual Gintoki Sakata adopting a goldfish, naming it after himself, and that goldfish dying of neglect at the end of the chapter, resulting in a “Gintoki Sakata” dying, as promised.  Gin Tama fans polled by the “Eye of Zatara” simply shook their head and mumbled something about being trolled.

[SATIRE] Our First Sponsor – “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans!

(Original Post: December 1, 2016)

Greetings, Readers, from your friend and primary editor, contributor, and creator of “The Eye of Zatara”, The Gatekeeper!

I’d like to take a quick break from my brief birthday week hiatus to inform all Eye of Zatara readers of some very exciting news – the “Eye of Zatara” now has its first official sponsor, “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans!  To thank them for their support, I’ve written a small promotional message for them below.  I hope you’ll glance through my first attempt at an advertisement and thoughtfully consider adding “Three Wolves” Brand products to your grocery list today.  Here goes:

Are you aware that horrible canine/monster hybrids known as “wolves” walk the streets, looking for humans to feed upon like livestock?  Are you aware of the forces, both human and coyote, that fight against these terrifying creatures to preserve the homo sapiens species from the super-lethal alpha predators mistakenly believed by common folk to be “cute, fluffy, grey dog things”.  Do you like green beans?

If you answered yes to any or none of those questions, then maybe “Three Wolves” brand green beans are right for you.  Made in a special farm by a subset of sentient ultra-intelligent canine species known colloquially as “wolves”, 100% of the sale of every can of “Three Wolves” brand green beans goes to funding the wolves’ campaign to dominate and feast upon humanity, while protecting themselves from the coyotes and often self-proclaimed “Wolf Hunters” that plague their existence, treating them like criminals simply for following their natural genetic predisposition to eat us.  Not only that, but every can is “Wolf-Certified” fresh and delicious, guaranteed to put a smile on your children’s face except for that one picky one who hates all vegetables.  You know the one.

If your mind’s not made up already, let me remind you that “Three Wolves” brand green beans are certified organic and gluten/trans fat free, meaning your vegan kid can’t complain about them (but probably will anyway).  In summary, if you love food, nutrition, great taste, and funding canine/monster hybrids bent upon replacing humanity at the top of the food chain, “Three Wolves” brand is certainly a product you can’t live without!  Hurry to your local KroBar, HighCostCo, Meijeijier, Nearly-All-Mart, Not-So-OK-Mart, or Lose Dixie (Is That Still a Thing?) and pick up a can or twenty-five today!  As a special bonus, tell your cashier that “The Eye of Zatara” sent you, and receive a free “This guy is crazy.” glance with your purchase!  While supplies last!

Thanks for your support, Everyone!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: As of the posting of this article, “The Eye of Zatara” is no longer sponsored by “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans.  Maybe let them write the article next time?

~The Watchman

EDIT: Awww…..  🙁

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media

(Original Post: November 24, 2016)

After the election of deceased 20th century politician Thomas E. Dewey (reported two weeks ago here on the “Eye of Zatara”) was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in a 7 to 1 decision last week, new President-Elect Donald J. Trump has begun the difficult work of creating a Presidential Cabinet to ease his transition into the role of U.S. President next January.  After bearing continuous criticism by the media since long before his confirmation as President Elect earlier this month, along with a bombardment of attacks by Hillary Clinton voters on social media calling him everything up to and including a Nazi, apparently unaware of the irony of their own use of hate speech in this manner, Donald Trump has apparently given in to frustration and pressure, and named an actual cabinet he found at Ikea to the position of “Secretary of the Interior”, a decision which has met with immediate backlash from multiple media sources, calling the cabinet a “neocon”, “Teabagger”, and “right wing extremist”.

The cabinet in question – a tall, two-doored black fiberboard and particleboard number, on sale this Black Friday for 50% off which Donald Trump declared as an “immediate savings for the American people”, was chosen for its sturdy frame and stylish features, on recommendation of an Ikea employee named Larry that Trump stumbled into while trying to find the restroom in the vast, small town of a department store.  While the cabinet has yet to clarify many of its political positions or plans for the office of the Interior, many commenters on the Fox News Network have celebrated the cabinet as “the most honest politician they have ever met” after meeting both Trump and the cabinet for drinks as is customary for all Newscorp employees immediately after the nightly completion of their primetime programming block on the Fox News channel.

Rachel Maddow on the MSNBC Network, however, very harshly criticized Trump’s choice of the cabinet, saying last night on her show that no one watches or remembers the name of that “The rigidity of the cabinet is typical of those who surround Donald Trump.  They are unmoving extremists, unwilling to bend to the left on any issue to make deals across the aisle.  To the contrary, they stand obstructively in place like a piece of furniture, completely blocking the aisle, funded by Big Retail and born from the destruction of precious trees that produce the oxygen we all need to breathe.  This cabinet is everything we have come to fear from a Donald Trump Presidency, and should be filibustered without a second th-… what’s that word?  I can’t read the teleprompter.  Yes, I’m talking to you, Bill.  Move it down a page, darn it!  There we go… and should be filibustered without a second thought.  There, Bill, was it really that hard to stop flirting with the camera girl and do your freaking job for a minute there?”

Despite the criticism, the Trump Transition Team has not backed down from their decision, however.  To the contrary, they have pushed forward with another wave of similarly controversial Presidential Cabinet picks, with rumors now circulating that the territory of Puerto Rico is now in top consideration for the post of Secretary of State once thought likely to be offered to former vocal Donald Trump critic, Mitt Romney.  When Michael Hamden of CBC News, aware of the literal decision Trump was attempting to make in appointing a state to the Secretary of State position pointed out to Donald Trump at a press conference this morning that Puerto Rico is not technically a state, the President-Elect simply responded “Your mother’s not a state.” and then reflexively added to Mr. Hamden “You’re fired.”

Other rumored Trump selections at this point include Energizer batteries’ drum-wielding pink bunny mascot for the “Secretary of Energy” post, a local San Antonio area farmer familiar with fence posts and plywood for the position of “Secretary of Da’ Fence”, and actor Keifer Sutherland for the post of “Secretary of Homeland Security” based on his “proven ability to get the job done within a single 24 hour time frame”.  Inside sources have added that Trump plans to save money for the American taxpayers by then dissolving the Secretary of Homeland Security post after 24 hours until “next season” when Keifer Sutherland will immediately be rehired for the position, a move Mr. Trump believes will make Keifer Sutherland a “designated survivor” among his picks, a brilliant choice guaranteed to endure all Congressional backlash from the Democratic party in contrast to his other choices.  Contrary to Mr. Trump’s hopes, however, all these rumors, including those about Mr. Sutherland, have only met with further criticism from most of the press and those strongly opposed to the President-Elect on social media.

“The Cabinet picks of President-Elect Trump clearly prove how out of touch he is with the American electorate,” the cast of “Hamilton” ended the second act of their Broadway show by announcing to their audience, after calling out a man in the front row for his poor fashion choices and a woman near the back of the packed theater venue for an ugly tattoo visible on her shoulder thanks to a sleeveless top she chose to wear to their show, “If Trump wants to be the President for ALL of diverse America, he’s going to have to make picks that specifically appeal to us and our political agenda, and to heck with his own thoughts and voters.  Otherwise, he’s a racist, and we’re going to criticize him like all-knowing moral authorities in the middle of each of our shows until he listens to us.  Excuse me, Sir, in the third row with the weird grandpa glasses on, we’re trying to lecture you on politics here.  Could you please be so kind as to stop chatting to the guy next to you and listen?”

“Look, it comes down to this – I’m going to choose the people in my cabinet that I think will best enable me to win at being President of the United States of America” President-Elect Trump stated in a quick coffee shop interview with a CNN reporter several hours ago, while trying to figure out how to claim his latte from a barista clearly refusing to read the name “Trump” written on the President-Elect’s cup a couple feet away, “If that means making a quality piece of furniture from a reputable business my Secretary of the Interior, then that’s what I’m going to do.  You should wait to see what I do with my Czars.  I went all out and got Putin’s advice on a couple of those.”

“Oh?” the reporter inquired, growing both curious and nauseous at the same time, a Starbucks manager just behind him dialing the cops to report Trump’s ordering of a cup of coffee under his own name while the President-Elect’s barista continued to shakily hold the Voldemort-monickered cup of joe in his increasingly traumatized young hand, his innocent lips unable to reveal the horrifyingly evil identity of its purchaser.

“Think ‘Nuclear Wessels’.” Trump winked, while drawing a Star Trek logo in the air with his fingers.  “Oh, it’s gonna be great.  You’ll see.  You’ll all see…”

As of the release of this article, neither Walter Koenig or Anton Yelchin would confirm to “Eye of Zatara” sources whether or not the Trump Transition Team had reached out to them about a “Czar” position in his upcoming administration.  Unconfirmed reports do, however, identify “Star Trek: Discovery” Executive Producer Bryan Fuller as Trump’s first choice for Presidential speech writer, but claim he declined the position after a jockish high schooler called him a “regressive Republican hack” shortly after meeting with Trump to discuss the possible position, an act which caused the Executive Producer to barricade himself crying in his condo again.

[SATIRE] 2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP!

(Original Post: November 9, 2016)

In a stunning reversal of all expected results of the 2016 U.S. Presidential race, it seems write-in candidate and former New York Governor Thomas E. Dewey, a Republican Governor famous for his two failed Presidential bids against Democrat Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the 1940s, has secured the 270 electoral college votes required to clench the office of United States President from both Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton AND Republican candidate Donald J. Trump, according to sources other than just the Chicago Daily Tribune this time.

Dewey, who died from a heart attack in 1971, was originally introduced as a possible write-in candidate for this year’s election by several popular social media outlets and blogs as a joke, but rapidly became a legitimate Presidential choice for 2016, appearing on the ballot in 48 of 50 states plus the District of Columbia, after gaining widespread grassroots support in the face of two extremely unpopular candidates elected in the primaries by both major American political parties.

“We initially rejected Thomas Dewey as a possible choice for the U.S. Presidential race when his supporters first began to approach us,” one unnamed Board of Elections official for the state of New Jersey reported off the record to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden earlier this week, “but the requests to add him to the ballot just kept coming in.  People loved his hard stance on organized crime, and success in prosecuting infamous mobster ‘Lucky Luciano’ as District Attorney of New York County.  They said to themselves ‘This is the kind of man who should be President of the United States.’  After a while, we just couldn’t take all the phone calls and hand-written letters, so we added him to the ballot.  We didn’t actually expect him to win.”

Each earning an even split of 109 electoral votes a piece, Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton individually conceded to Dewey shortly after confirmation that he had reached a projected total of 276 electoral votes shortly after 3 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.

“We were shocked.” one unnamed Clinton staffer reported to blog NewsNow shortly after Hillary Clinton’s short concession speech.  “We would have understood losing to Trump, as he is at least as alive and breathing as Ms. Clinton, but losing to a deceased Republican Presidential candidate from the 20th Century?  You really can’t guess these kinds of things in politics ahead of time.”

“Wait, there was an election last night?” current Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, added, after wandering into Clinton Campaign Headquarters by accident while attempting to find a McDonalds serving all night breakfast in the area.  “Who won?  Let me guess, Barack, right?  Wait, am I Vice President again?”

While Hillary Clinton is reported by close personal friends to have taken the news relatively well, only ordering the execution of less than half of her most trusted campaign advisors after reluctantly admitting defeat to Thomas Dewey, multiple media outlets are reporting Donald Trump may not be faring as well, psychologically, with the unexpected defeat.

“He hasn’t stopped eating taco bowls since the concession speech.” Joey Hargrave, producer for Trump’s now cancelled new documentary series “Winning At Everything – The King/President Donald J. Trump Story”, expected to air back-to-back on Fox News for the first 72 hours after the final election results came in, reported to a drooling husk slightly resembling Chris Matthews from MSNBC around 6 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.  “He just says keeps repeating ‘The votes haven’t all been counted yet.  I’ve got to eat more taco bowls.’ over and over again.  I think he’s thrown up at least six or seven times, but he just keeps eating…”

“He’s also barricaded several of the doors in his study with pillows,” Joey Hargrave admitted to the Chris Matthews-esque zombie a few minutes later, while MSNBC’s ratings of the live coverage rapidly fluctuated between one and two television viewers.  “He texted me a picture saying ‘I told you I would build a wall.  Let’s see them cross the border into my office now!’  I really don’t think the man is well…”

While many news outlets are focusing on the reaction of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to Thomas Dewey’s election as America’s first Necromantic-American President, fewer outlets investigated the effect such a startling turn of fortune is having on other “dark horse” candidates such as Independent candiate Evan McMullin or Libertarian Party choice for President, Gary Johnson.  In fact, as of the time of this article’s publication, no attempt had been made by any news outlet, including our own, to gauge Mr. McMullin or Mr. Johnson’s reactions to Thomas Dewey’s victory, nor those of Green Party Candidate, Jill… Somebody.  This will likely continue to be the case.

Rumors that, due to an accidental deletion of the email sent to advise her of this by Democratic Party officials, defeated candidate Hillary Clinton is actually yet unaware of her loss to Thomas Dewey, and simply executed a portion of her campaign staff for sheer entertainment value, are, as of yet, unsubstantiated.  Rumors that crazed Dewey supporters are frantically trying to hook up a Tesla Auto-Pilot device to the corpse of Thomas Dewey in order to animate him in time for his Presidential inauguration are, also, unconfirmed at this time, but line up with other surfacing reports involving failed attempts to revive him using a red-colored feather dubbed a “Phoenix Down” and a lightning-powered contraption constructed by a technologically-gifted ardent fan of Mary Shelley.

In a bizarre violation of precedent, Dewey himself remains silent on his victory, and has offered no acceptance victory even after winning the 270+ electoral college votes needed to earn the title Leader of the Free World.  Presumed Vice Presidential electee Earl Warren has remained similarly quiet, despite being named as a possible replacement for Antonin Scalia in the U.S. Supreme Court, assuming Scalia cannot reclaim the seat himself after being equipped with a Tesla Auto-Pilot.

 

[SATIRE] Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster

(Original Post: October 11, 2016)

The series premieres of the CW’s line-up of DC Comics-based shows has brought joy to many, but anger to others, as spoilers from DC-TV-Spoilers.Com about the main antagonists for Season 3 of The Flash and Season 5 of Arrow have been quickly revealed as untrue, leading many followers of that website to abandon the site, and others redirected to it by other news blogs, including the Eye of Zatara, to also question those referencing and linking to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s information.  The editor of that website holds firm to his sources, however, and is claiming that the creation of an alternate timeline is responsible for his supposed misinformation.

“I’m not really sure what happened, but the information I was given was completely accurate at the time I posted it to my blog.  I wouldn’t have typed it up otherwise.” the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, known only to the Internet community as “Kal-AOL”, explains in a special statement at the top of his news blog.  “Clearly, some sort of Speedster has altered the timeline, and created a new reality in which Usain Bolt is not the primary antagonist for Season 3 of The Flash, and director Zach Synder is not the Green Arrow’s adversary in Season 5 of Arrow.  I’m honestly not sure how this is even possible, but it is the only explanation I can offer.”

Despite the clear impossibility of what Kal-AOL is saying, other bloggers have jumped to his defense, pointing out other inconsistencies with our current interpretation of reality that seems to align with the theory that we are living in an alternate version of the present created by Speedster intervention in the past.

“Has anyone questioning Kal-AOL’s theory even seen Season 4 of Arrow?” fellow Arrow/Flash universe blogger, “Marvin Manhunter”, wrote in an article today on his news blog, “DC Comix Rox”.  “If temporal manipulation was not involved in the making of our current reality, how could a fifth season of Arrow even be made as bad as Season 4 was?  Did you see the choreography?  Black Canary’s primary tactic in battle was to run in a straight line at anyone shooting an automatic weapon at her, and, somehow, not die five minutes into the first episode.  Don’t get me started on the ‘shoot first’ enemies only failing to go for the kill whenever a main character is surrounded, at which point, they suddenly hold back their fire.  Or the enemies basically standing still any time a weaponless main character confronted them, offering absolutely no resistance to someone very slowly and awkwardly punching them, even when that character was outnumbered.  I hope whatever Speedster selfishly ruined the original choreography for Season 4 gets eaten by a time wraith for it.  I really do.”

“And what’s with Hulu not getting CW stuff anymore?” blogger “Flash Ketchum from Earth 2 Pallet Town” wrote on his news blog, “All’s Wells That Ends Thon”, “I definitely remember Hulu getting CW stuff in the original timeline.  This is some parallel universe, multiversal tachyon bullcrap right here, that’s what this is.”

On non-DC-related news blogs, the current U.S. President race between Republican Party candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton has also been cited as compelling evidence of possible temporal tampering.

“The real question you should be asking,” Kal-AOL continued in the original statement on this subject posted late last week to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, “is that if we are really living in an alternate timeline, what can we do to return things back to the way they are supposed to be?”

After several minutes of discussion on his own personal theories on time travel, mostly a mix of Back to the Future and Hot Tub Time Machine, Kal-AOL finally gave the best answer he could to the problem of how to resolve the possible temporal conflict believed to be directly affecting all of reality around us.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Kal-AOL shrugged, using stage directions to note his shrug in the otherwise article-formatted prose of his most recent blog post.  “And, even if we did fix the timeline, the unfathomable awesome that is Luke Cage might turn out the worse for it.  Whatever your stance on fixing Arrow Season 4, I think you’ll agree with me that’s a risk our world just can’t afford to take.  Forget Donald and Hillary… Luke Cage 2016!”

Since the original posting of this article to the Eye of Zatara, a “Luke Cage” section has been added to Kal-AOL’s blog, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, much to the protest of his primary DC-based readership – at least, until they watched their first episode of the Netflix Original Series and immediately celebrated along with the rest of us.  Rumors have also begun to circulate that Libertarian Party candidate for U.S. President, Gary Johnson, has replaced his current running mate with the actor from Luke Cage in an attempt to bolster his chances in the election.  It is now estimated he will receive a 0.02% share of the popular vote, up 400% from previous vote estimates of 0.005% before including Luke Cage in his platform.

[SATIRE] “Star Trek: Discovery” Delayed Until May After Executive Producer Insulted by High Schooler

(Original Post: September 15, 2016)

CBS announced today the delay of their upcoming Star Trek prequel series, “Star Trek: Discovery”, after Executive Producer Bryan Fuller suddenly disappeared during a shoot last week at Pinewood Toronto Studios, pushing the series’ release date from January 2017 to sometime in May.  While CBS has officially declined to comment on the reason for the delay, multiple sources closest to the project have disclosed the details behind Mr. Fuller’s disappearance, and their speculation on the future of the new Star Trek series.

“It was the darndest thing,” Creative Producer Nicholas Meyer explained to popular Star Trek blog “The Wrath of .Com” shortly after CBS’s announcement.  “There we were, filming the third episode for the season, and some overgrown high school kid in a tanktop and jeans wandered into the set, took one look at the Andorian-dressed actors conversing with Bryan at the time, and shouted repeatedly, at the top of his lungs, ‘HOLY CRAP, WHAT A NERD!!!”

“He broke down crying right then and there in the middle of the set.” Rod Roddenberry sighed, speaking to a reporter dressed like a male Seven of Nine while shaking his head.  “He started muttering something about Joxton High School, and then just ran out of the room.  Frankly, we haven’t seen him since.  His family assures us he’s ok, but every time we go by his condo to check on him, all we hear is sobbing through the door, and he refuses to let us in.”

PR agents for Mr. Fuller, however, have denied that the delays in the release of “Star Trek: Discovery” have anything to do with their client, and most certainly are not the result of the 47 year old man being called a “nerd” by a roughly 17 year old bully.  Neighbors of Mr. Fuller, however, interviewed by sources close to “The Eye of Zatara” have exposed startling new details which seem to confirm the accounts reported to Star Trek fan sites by Nicholas Meyer and Rod Roddenberry.

“When we first bought this condo, we almost never saw Mr. Fuller.  It was a kind of running joke between me and my wife that he didn’t really exist,” popular local television anchor Samir Hakari reported to our totally legitimate sources earlier this morning.  “Then, about a week ago, we suddenly heard the door of his condo slam, and then a lot of crying through the walls.  We have excellent insulation here.  I’ve never heard any of my neighbors through the walls before today.  Now… my wife has actually rented a hotel room the last several nights because she hasn’t been able to stay the night in our room and get any sleep.  I… I don’t blame her.”

“I heard the crying, as well,” another neighbor, Natasha Smith-Noranski, also confirmed to super reliable sources connected to “The Eye of Zatara”.  “But that wasn’t actually the strangest thing.  Every day for the last week since Bryan locked himself in his condo, some sort of strange, pimply jock type kid has slipped past the doorman for our condo building when he wasn’t looking, gone up to the second floor, and slid a note underneath Bryan’s door before slipping out the back staircase, and, then, a few minutes later, the crying suddenly gets louder from within the condo.  Bryan’s always been a very kind and conscientious neighbor.  I really hate to see this kind of thing happen to him… even if he really is a big nerd.”

“tlhIngan Hol vIjatlhbe’.  ghu’vam mugh jIH internet lo’.” actor Michael Dorn added, after being spotted hanging around Mr. Fuller’s condo building dressed in full costume as his popular role of Lieutenant Worf from the “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” series.  “I’m sorry.  I was speaking my native tongue there for a moment.  What I said in Klingon is ‘The actions of this 17 year old child are far from honorable.  Executive Producer Fuller must regain his honor in glorious combat by confronting this tog with the edge of a blood-stained bat’leth.'”

Michael Dorn then cleared his throat.

“Maybe then he can take a look at these script ideas I’ve put together for a new series starring Worf I’ve been hanging around his condo trying to show him for months… I mean, uh, only THEN will he be able to reclaim his family honor, and rest his soul in the glory of Sto-vo-kor with the honored dead should the family of the 17 year old human COWARD attempt retribution!”

When asked by “The Wrath of .Com” if Mr. Fuller’s sudden sensitivity to bullying could potentially cause any further delays in the release of Star Trek: Discovery, especially if his bully should, for example, locate his Facebook or Twitter accounts and continue his harassment onto those fronts, Nicholas Meyer could not give a definitive answer.

“All I can say is I very much hope not.  Bryan Fuller’s feelings may be hurt by being reminded of the harshness of his days in Joxton High School, but there are many, many Star Trek fans out there whose feelings would be hurt just as much or more should this project be cancelled or delayed any further.”

Nicholas Meyer smiled.

“And the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few.”

[SATIRE] Arrow Season Five’s Antagonist Has “Failed Everyone”

Overwhelmed by the hits to their blog after posting insider information about Flash Season 3, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com reached out to another confidential source earlier this week and obtained similar information about the upcoming Season 5 of Arrow, information which was posted in its entirety to the blog’s main page late last night, creating an even greater shock and buzz among the show’s still growing fanbase than the Flash posting.

“Season Five will attempt to bring Green Arrow into a larger DC Universe than ever before,” an unnamed, eye-patched informant with the code name “Deep Stroke” reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.com in posted information.  “Seeking to unify the growing numbers of superheroes combating the rising tide of supervillains throughout the Flash/Arrow universe, Oliver Queen travels in the beginning of Season 5 to the cities of Gotham City and Metropolis to enlist the aid of two well-noted superheroes rumored to be operating out of those cities.  When he gets there, however, things are not as he expected.  Superman is dead, and Batman is in prison for branding and killing criminals instead of simply catching them and turning them over to the Gotham City Police as in the past.  That’s when Green Arrow encounters the evil mastermind behind it all, the one responsible for destroying two of the greatest superheroes in the entire DC Universe – Zach Snyder.”

Known in the Flash/Arrow universe as “The Director”, Zach Snyder is an enemy with the ability to completely re-write everything that the Arrow believes in and stands for, something no villain before him has been able to do.

“Merlyn made Oliver question his past, and forced him to face an enemy with his same set of abilities, only greater.  Mysel, I mean, Deathstroke made Oliver question his own ability to make a difference for good, while bringing the threats and danger of Lian Yu with him back to Starling City.” confidential informant Deep Stroke continued, speaking with the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com via Farcebook Messenger.  “Ra’s al Ghul forced Oliver to confront his own darkness, and the potential inevitability of falling prey to that darkness.  Damian Darhk tempted Oliver to return to the darkness, questioned the validity of his decision to remain in the light, and confronted the non-superpowered hero with magical powers the Green Arrow could barely understand much less equal with his mere physical prowess and arrows.”

“The Director” will apparently question Oliver Queen’s very identity itself, using a power called “Rewrite” to change everything about who the Green Arrow is in an instant, converting him from a hero of light back into the gritty darkness that clothed him in Season 1 and worse, an anti-hero willing to kill without second thought, even if the reason he was killing people made absolutely no sense.

“The Director” features other powers, as well, according to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s source, however, including the power to alter human perception, causing his opponents to engage in strange dream sequences that make them feel confused and disjointed when returning to normal reality, along with other strange perception-based gimmicks like causing opponents to feel they are moving in slow motion for “dramatic effect” to throw off their timing, and making opponents become overly emotional in response to certain hypnotically-planted keywords in their mind such as the name of their city, the name of their mother, etc..

In the end, Season Five will lead up to a massive battle between Team Arrow and “The Director”, beginning with Oliver Queen’s assertion that Zach Snyder “has failed EVERYONE.”

In addition to revealing this new information about Season Five, however, the spoiler from Deep Stroke to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com also shut down some rumors swirling around the Internet in regards to what some fans were expecting in the upcoming season of Arrow.

“I know there was a lot of talk that a multitude of other superheroes would make quick, unexpected, and frankly, unneeded, cameos in Season Five to establish the groundwork for a Flash/Arrow universe ‘Justice League’ as quickly as possible,” Deep Stroke explained, while staring at an old grainy photo of a young Japanese woman and softly crying to himself when he thought the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com wasn’t looking.  “But, no, we’re not doing that.  That’s stupid.  Arrow is Arrow.  What does this look like?  A fan fiction?”

After revealing so much insider information about the upcoming seasons of both The Flash and Arrow, many dedicated fans of the DC-TV-Spoilers.Com blog asked if they would soon also be spoiling details about the upcoming season of closely linked new shows, “Supergirl” and “Legends of Tomorrow”, to which the editor of the Flash/Arrow universe blog responded, “What?  No.  What are those?  Are you just making crap up to confuse me?  Those things aren’t real.”

The editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com then banned the IP of the inquisitive site viewer for “trolling”.

Since the posting of this article, DC-TV-Spoilers has officially admitted to the existence of new DC universe television show “Supergirl”, but still continues to assert that “Legends of Tomorrow” is just the name of an old kids game show featuring a talking stone face named Olmec that asked the kids stupid questions.  Attempts to ask them the identity of their confidential, eye-patched informant “Deep Stroke” have also gone unanswered.

[SATIRE] Players Excited About Upcoming Pokémon Go Feature – “Fun”

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As anticipation swirls around the next upcoming patch to overnight success Pokémon Go, Niantic has officially confirmed the most exciting and innovating of the game’s rumored new features – as of the application’s next regularly scheduled update, Pokémon Go will now contain “Fun”.

“We know we had Fun in the original version, but it was just so buggy, we had to take it out for a while,” Head Programmer Larry Oak confirmed to several online gaming blogs Thursday.  “We’ve been tweaking the feature behind the scenes for quite a while now, though, and we believe we’ve finally worked out the kinks.  As of the next Pokémon Go update, Fun will be back in the game again.”

While some are extremely optimistic about the upcoming re-addition, others continue to say that Pokémon Go has already seen and moved past its heyday.

“That jerk Vinny down the street keeps beating all the Pokémon I put in our school’s gym, and sticking in freaking 3000 CP Dragonites.  3000 CP DRAGONITES!” school kid Bugsby Pinscyther reported to Pokemon-Go-LOL.com earlier this morning.  “Not everyone has rich parents that can let them buy Lucky Eggs from the App Store all the time.  YOU HEAR THAT, VINNY?  YOU MAY HAVE MONEY, BUT YOU’RE STILL A N00B IN MY BOOK!  A N00B!”

Bugsby later added, “I like shorts.  They are comfy and easy to wear.”

Whether or not the re-addition of Fun is everything Niantic is hoping to revitalize the Pokémon Go fanbase, most objective sources admit that directly responding to the needs of their players in this way is a good direction for the company.

“Many players have been directly complaining about the removal of Fun from Pokémon Go from almost the very beginning of the app’s life span.” Professor Blaine Firenflame observed on his own popular Pokémon gaming blog, ‘The Weekly Cinnabar Report’, “Re-adding Fun just as their fanbase begins to wane could be exactly what the game needs to lure in more players than ever before!  By my calculations, we may see Team Valor grow into the millions, Team Mystic grow into the billions, and Team Instinct get its first member since… since… since, well, sometime in the middle of August, putting them well on their way to having a triple digit team size!  Professor Willow may even have to get a new assistant to accommodate all the new players… anyone up for joining Team Volcano?  Eh?  Eh?  What, no takers…?”

While the exact date that the Fun feature will return to Pokémon Go has not been officially announced, it is sure to be a welcome milestone in the life of this widely popular enhanced reality game.  Unfortunately, this announcement has only given further encouragement to some disreputable users of the app.  Many less scrupulous Pokémon Go users across the Internet have already announced their intentions to gain access to the area of the Pokémon Go servers connected to the Fun feature, creating online maps for others players to use in order to locate the placement and timing of Fun on the virtual Pokémon Go map of the area around them, in direct violation of the game’s Terms of Service.

“Until they create a way for us to quickly and easily locate Fun in a way that works best for Team Rock, I mean, Team Mystic, we will continue to take use whatever resources we have available to display the location of Fun to any player willing and able to gain an edge over their friends and neighbors using our website.” a very short, slightly furry-looking man very closely resembling a Meowth explained on an anonymous Youtube video as a male and female henchman in concealing trenchcoats snickered behind him.  “That, and capture Pikachu.  Those are our goals as three tried and true players of Pokémon Go’s illustrious Team Rock…mystic.  Mystic.  Team Mystic.  Wait, what did I say?”

Since the posting of this article, Niantic has already banned the three odd players responsible for posting the YouTube video about Fun and Pikachus.  In addition, they have confirmed a $25 US price tag to activate the “Fun” feature once downloaded into Pokémon Go via its next update.  This purchase will activate Fun for 24 hours real time, before having to be repurchased at the in-game App Store with another $25 in Pokécoins.  Apparently, “Fun” comes at a price, but Niantic assures you that you will always be able to avoid spending real world money on Pokécoins using the extremely-lucrative accumulation of Pokécoins from placing your Pokémon into gyms.  In fact, as of the writing of this article, the author has himself accumulated almost 30 coins in this way, almost 1% of the cost of a Fun download!  Questions were emailed to Niantic by “The Eye of Zatara” on the possibility of future features to help with the non-monetary acquisition of Pokécoins, but were deleted without being opened.

[SATIRE] Flash Season 3 Antagonist Revealed – Usain Bolt!!!

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As comic book enthusiasts and casual fans of the series alike prepare themselves for the third season of the CW’s critically-acclaimed “The Flash” television series, anonymous leaks to Arrow/Flash fansite, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, have left many fans of the Scarlet Speedster feeling the Jitters.

Just as the first two seasons of The Flash revolved around a single primary antagonist, so, too, will Season 3 revolve around a single ultimate adversary for Barry Allen to overcome, but this rival speedster – the only remaining character in the DC multiverse still capable of matching Barry Allen’s velocity – is none other than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt.

“After watching him defeat Reverse Flash and Zoom, the writers of the show asked themselves – who the heck is there for Flash to fight now?” anonymous sources reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com.  “Well, we were going to read this big stack of old comic books DC dropped off for us to review, then there was this big Blackout.  While we were goofing off waiting for the Light to come back on, one of us brought up the Olympics, and that’s when it hit us – Usain Bolt!”

Appearing early in Season 3 under the moniker “Reverse Bolt”, Usain will appear in Flash canon as a former Olympian who, after falling into a contaminated green diving pool during a previous summer Olympic games, gained speed-based superpowers far beyond those of a normal human.  A Multiplex of other “medal-humans”, as they will be called, encountered by “The Flash” in this season will feature similar origins related to the viridian-hued waters of the strange diving pool.  Anonymous sources have already confirmed many single-episode Flash villains with names such as “Dur-Ant Man”, a basketball player with SuperSonic speed capable of shrinking using a non-Marvel-copyrighted shrink suit, “Mike Eel Freestyle”, an ace swimmer/amateur rap artist capable of generating an electric field while drinking under the influence, and “Venus De Vile-o”, a really evil Tennis player capable of creating exactly one almost identical clone of herself.

As filming went underway, some on the production team apparently questioned the direction that Season 3 was going, but their meltdown was silenced after an unnamed Everyman on the team uncovered some of the rejected ideas for antagonists thrown away by “The Flash” writers before accepting and pushing forward with the Usain Bolt idea.

“Speed Buggy.” another member of the film crew revealed to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s anonymous sources.  “They were going to call him Room-a-Zoom-Zoom Zoom.”

“I think Speed Racer was in the mix, too.” he later added.  “Pretty much everything everything animated or in a comic book with Speed in its name made it into the discussion at some point.  There was even a plan to make an entire episode about Speedos.  It was not a Golden day in the drawing room when they discussed that one.”

While it has been confirmed via multiple sources that Usain Bolt will not play himself in the upcoming Season Three of Flash, there are reports he will still appear in the show at some point.

“We’re thinking of making him the next Firestorm.  We’ve had everyone else be Firestorm.  Might as well throw him in there, too.”

While more than a few fans are objecting to the information revealed about “The Flash” Season Three by DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, they are not the only ones.  Kevin Durant, Michael Phelps, and Venus Williams have already filed preliminary lawsuits, as has the entire International Olympics Committee and nation of Brazil in the World Court.

“Really?  A contaminated GREEN diving pool in a Summer Olympic games physically affecting the bodies of those who swim in it?” Andre de Santos, Director of the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero, said to reporters early yesterday morning, while standing in front of an empty Olympics aquatics facility crisscrossed with yellow caution tape and signs reading “Caution” and “Biohazard” in Portuguese.

“Besides, a green liquid causing mutation is just crazy.” a large human-sized talking Turtle said from somewhere behind Mr. Santos while spinning a pair of Japanese nunchaku weapons.  “But enough about that.  Anybody know where I can order a Coast City pizza around here?  I could Rilla-Go for one right now.”