Author: The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Nintendo “Out of Ideas for New Pokémon”; New Games Will Feature Old Pokémon in New Colors

(Original Post: August 25, 2016)

In a surprising announcement from spokesman Hijiro Sadokawa at a handheld gaming symposium in Ikebukuro on Sunday, Nintendo has officially confirmed what many in the Pokémon community had already come to suspect.

“It has been over twenty years since the creation of our beloved Pokémon franchise by Satoshi Tajiri in 1995, and, frankly, we’re just out of ideas.” Hijiro confessed before a crowd of gamers gathered for their “Future of Pokémon” panel at the symposium.  “We’ve done cats, dogs, birds, ghosts, even an ice cream sundae Pokémon, and, frankly, our creative team just doesn’t have anything left.”

“This does not, however, mean the end of the Pokémon franchise.” Hijiro then went on to clarify, as several overweight older men in Pikachu T-shirts broke down crying in the middle of the crowd.  “Instead of featuring new Pokémon, all future Pokémon games, partially starting with Pokémon Sun and Moon, will feature fresh, revolutionary new variations of already existing Pokémon in awesome and exciting alternate color schemes!”

Looking to the left and right of his small stage to confirm the presence of symposium security on either side of him, Hijiro dodged a tomato chucked at his head by a female cosplayer dressed as a Bulbasaur and tried desperately to continue his prepared remarks over the audible booing of the now dwindling crowd of distraught Pokémaniacs.

“We understand this will be a big transition for the Pokémon community to make, which is why we are including several new Pokémon designs in Pokémon Sun and Moon, to help make this as gradual a process as possible for our fans.” Hijiro shouted as a large, hairy man dressed head-to-toe in pink Clefairy-adorned Pokémon merchandise made a quick, unsuccessful attempt to rush the stage, stopped by several members of the symposium’s security detail at the last second before reaching Spokesman Tajiri.  “We’ve gathered together all the rejected designs submitted by our creative staff over the years, and from several members of the team’s elementary age children, and transformed them into real, new Pokémon to be included in Pokémon Sun and Moon along with our alternate version Pokémon from Pokémon Red, Blue, and Green.  I mean, haven’t you ever wanted a donkey Pokémon that fights with dirt?  Meet Mudbray!  How about a dead-looking Pikachu that’s actually a ghost?  Mimikyu may just be for you!  How about a space debris Pokémon that can be broken in battle?  Just watch out for Minior showers!”

As the remainder of the once massive crowd gathered before Hijiro for his panel then began to actively throw fan-made Pokéballs (and a couple of actual rocks they called “Geodudes”) at Mr. Sadokawa in mass, symposium security quickly shutdown his panel for the Nintendo spokesman’s safety, and closed the symposium early for the day, promising to post the remainder of Hijiro’s press release on their website for later viewing by event-goers in its entirety.  It is unclear if that actually happened, however, as shortly after the time that Mr. Sadokawa’s speech was promised to appear on their website, hackers replaced the full contents of the symposium’s webspace with an animated .gif of Ash Ketchum from the Pokémon anime crying while surrounded by the logos for Pokémon Sun and Moon.

When asked on social media for a follow-up statement to his remarks at the Annual Ikebukuro August Handheld Gaming Symposium, Hijiro Sadokawa simply remarked “If they don’t like it, I guess there’s always Pokémon Go.”  Multiple news outlets reported, however, in the following minute, 50% of the overweight, single male demographic of the world shrugged in unison while chorusing “Meh.”

Satoshi Tajiri did not return our calls for a comment, but unnamed sources report a 800% increase in the number of Kleenex boxes and gift cards for comfort food restaurants purchased from his Amazon Prime account and delivered to his residence in the days since the shocking announcement.

[SATIRE] Torch Runner Accidentally Starts a Dozen Wildfires with Olympic Flame

(Original Post: August 11, 2016)

As sports enthusiasts across the world have celebrated the opening of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, many local residents have found themselves too distracted with a much more pressing concern to focus on anything directly related to the famed international athletics competition.  Specifically, one revolving around an unfortunate event that occurred during the much-lauded “running of the torch” that occurs before the start of every ancient and modern Olympics.

“He dropped the torch while running through our village.” reports Bernardo Gonzaga, resident of a small farming community located along the route run by Olympic athletes to light the torch in Rio de Janiero.  “He dropped it right into my wife’s flower garden, and it went up like kindling!  We are doing everything we can to keep the fire from spreading further, but it has already destroyed half the village, and the authorities refuse to allow us to throw water on it!”

“Attempting to extinguish the fire from an Olympic torch before the completion of the Olympic games is a sacrilege.” Andre de Santos from the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero confirmed to “Eye of Zatara” sources yesterday. “We simply cannot allow such a glaring insult to the 205 countries that have gathered in our good nation to share the spirit of brotherhood, comradery, and freedom that is born from the international competition exemplified in the Olympic games.  We have advised Mr. Gonzaga and the other residents of Madeira Queima that they are free to dig trenches, put up sand bags, and take other purely defensive measures to prevent further spread of the Olympic flame, but they are not to use water or any other means to extinguish the fires until the conclusion of the Olympics competition on the 21st.”

Madeira Queima was not the only village apparently set ablaze by the clumsiness of this same Olympic torch runner, however.

“My husband and children barely made it out of our house alive.  We knew the torch runner would be passing through our town that night, but, frankly, we were just too tired to try and greet him with the others from the village.” a frustrated and emotional Catalina Olivera Alvares explained to travelling CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, on Wednesday.  “We should have been there.  We should have been watching.  Then, maybe we could have stopped him.  Then, maybe, we would still have our home.”

It seems homes and villages were not the only areas affected by torch-runner-related wildfires, as well.

“It’s true this area is not heavily populated, but it is the only known habitat of the endangered Redwort Tree Frog, or, at least, it was,” European biologist Micheal Vandenshire of the International Scientific Cooperative for the Preservation of Endangered Amphibious Species explained to news blog “NowNews” on Tuesday.  “I fear that due to the careless wielding of the Olympic torch that has so affected this once forested region, there may no longer be any living specimens of the creature remaining.  It is unfortunate, as the slime from the Redwort had medicinal properties that some in our community believed could one day be used to treat a variety of ailments, or even create a cure for the common cold.”

Since all of these incidents occurred along what has been discovered to be the route of a single torch runner, multiple news outlets have attempted to reach out to the Olympics Committee and to local Rio de Janiero Olympic officiators to identify the person responsible for the now more than twelve confirmed wildfires, at least four of which are still continuing to spread across the fields and forests of the eastern Brazilian coastal region without waning.  No party, thus far, has been forthcoming with this information.

“Eye of Zatara” sources attempted to follow-up from Andre de Santos from the Department of Public Health and Safety for further comment about this issue, but were advised he could not be reached, as he was recovering from smoke inhalation after attending a private ceremony to honor multiple local citizens involved in the implementation of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio, including all local torch runners, when the residence they were in inexplicably burst into flames.

[SATIRE] “Pokémon Go” Announced as First Computer Virus Capable of Spreading to Human Host

(Original Post: July 11, 2016)

Bulbasaur Cubone

As downloads of popular game application, “Pokémon Go” continue to skyrocket with more and more users immersing themselves in the augmented reality cell phone game by the day, Intel Security Group, makers of the popular “McAfee” line of anti-virus solutions, announced today that based upon their studies of smartphone memory, battery, and data use, as well as a suspiciously high number of real world money transactions initiated by the program, “Pokémon Go” will be re-classified as “malware/virus” by the next updates to their computer and mobile device software.

In addition, Intel Security Group has sent an open letter to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, asking that immediate action be taken to identify “Pokémon Go” as a Class A contagion capable of effecting human beings in the same way as their smartphones.

“While we are not as proficient in diagnosing infection in human beings as we are in computers and mobile devices, the signs are all there.” reads Intel Security Group’s open letter, “The normal functions of a human being effected by Pokémon Go are rapidly and increasing superseded by the demands of the Pokémon Go virus, henceforth referred to as ‘Niantic’s Disease’. An effected human begins to forego normal social interactions and activities while dedicating exponentially growing amounts of time, attention, energy, financial resources, and conveyance to increase the ‘level’ of the virus within their body, the human gradually beginning to lose the ability to differentiate between the real world and that of Pokémon Go, claiming to see imaginary creatures all around them at home, work, and school that unaffected friends and family can clearly attest are not really there, and finding themselves drawn to reclusive churches, statues, parks, landmarks, and restaurants at all hours of the day, these locations having been identified by McAfee security software experts as habitats which supply the essential ‘Items’ fed upon by Niantic’s Disease in order to sustain itself. This is clearly not normal human behavior, and most closely resembles a form of parasitic infection.”

While some have shot back at Intel Security Group’s conclusions, calling them “unfounded”, “unrealistic”, and, in some cases, “discriminatory against Pokénthusiasts.”, major pharmaceutical corporation Pfizer has taken up Intel Security Group’s call to arms, saying their biochemical researchers have also come to the same conclusion, but are currently in development of a medication that has proven in early tests to reverse the devastating effects of Niantic’s Disease on the human body and mind.

“The name of the medication is ‘Rocketeem’.” Pfizer spokesman James Jessen announced Friday during an open press conference at a restaurant Pokéstop in New York City with a lure model attached. “Once it officially earns FDA approval, it can be purchased from any local pharmacy or the Google Play Store. It will likely be covered under most traditional health care plans, but can also be bought without a prescription either in cash or in Pokécoins.”

“There is a catch, however.” Mr. Jessen explained, after plugging his almost dead cell phone into a nearby power outlet to recharge. “‘Rocketeem’ can only sever one’s affliction by Niantic’s Disease completely if, after taking a dose of ‘Rocketeem’, the user then rids themselves of all further poisonous connection to the Pokémon Go contagion by freely trading all of their Pokémon and items to another Pokémon Go User, once that option is available, and then deleting the Pokémon Go app from their phone. To this end, Pfizer is setting up their own Pokémon Go account, user name HailGiovanni, that you will be able to donate your collection of Pokémon and items to.”

Mr. Jessen paused for a second to spin the photo circle at his Pokéstop before continuing.

“We sincerely hope this will make the recovery process a little easier for the victims of Niantic’s Disease.”

[SATIRE] Teen Installs Tesla AutoPilot into Delorean; Disappears at 88 MPH

(Original Post: July 7, 2016)

In yet another shocking report revealed today by Tesla Motors concerning their experimental, self-driving “AutoPilot” system, officials in the small town of Hill Valley, California have confirmed the disappearance of one Martin J. McFly in what has been described as “a brilliant flash of otherworldly light leaving two tire tracks of fire extending forward on the road along the projected path of his vehicle”. Mr. McFly, a local delinquent with a history of assault convictions due to what several prosecutors have called a “hair trigger temper instantly ignited by the utterance of the common name for domesticed poultry”, had reportedly come across a Tesla AutoPilot system during a short-lived part time job at a mechanic’s shop, and, on a dare, installed the AutoPilot into a neighbor’s classic Delorean DMC-12 sedan before taking the then stolen vehicle on a brief, computer-guided joy ride.

Mr. McFly’s parents are grief-stricken about his disappearance just over a week ago today, but have refused to give up hope that their boy will someday return to them.

“I just know Marty’s still alive out there somewhere…” his mother, Mrs. McFly babbled, while stuffing her face with a handful of gravy-covered mashed potatoes from a popular fast food restaurant before washing the starchy appetizer down with a glass of cheap wine. “I got a post card from him the other day. Postmarked 1985. I don’t really understand that part, but the point is that my boy is still doing fine, living his life somewhere near… what appears to be a working clock tower, although the photo’s kind of grainy.”

“I’d say it was actually Hill Valley,” his mother added, “but our clock tower hasn’t worked in years.”

Reporters have attempted to interview the owner of the stolen Delorean, a local scientist and inventor, Doctor Emmett Brown, but our sources report that Hill Valley officials ended this line of investigation due to “Mr. Brown’s clearly declining mental state”.

“GREAT SCOTT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???” Mr. Brown screamed obliviously into our reporter’s face as she attempted to interview him earlier this morning concerning Mr. McFly’s sudden disappearance. “NO… NO… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. I CAN’T KNOW. ANY LITTLE PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME COULD CAUSE A TEMPORAL PARADOX THAT THREATENS TO TEAR A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! OR WORSE, YOUR ADVISING ME OF THE PAST, COULD CAUSE OUR TIMELINE TO VEER OFF INTO AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE, WHERE THE ACTOR, RONALD REAGAN, IS ACTUALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND WHO KNOWS HOW THAT WOULD EFFECT THINGS? THIS ISN’T GOOD. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I’VE GOT TO GO BACK! DON’T YOU AGREE, EINSTEIN? I’VE GOT TO GO BACK NOW!”

“Um… Go where?” our reporter then asked nervously, reaching anxiously for the small can of mace hidden somewhere deep within her purse beneath a couple recently purchased CDs from a band called “The Starlighters”.

“WHAT? YOU STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND? WHY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, OF COURSE!”

At this point, our reporter immediately terminated the interview, fearing for her safety as a result of Mr. Brown’s clearly aggitated and incoherent mental state, and running for the door as quickly as possible before driving off in one of our news vans also at ironically about 88 MPH.

Hill Valley officials say the search for Mr. McFly’s current whereabouts is ongoing, but advise the public not to automatically assume the Tesla AutoPilot system is to blame before the completion of their full investigation.

“It is clear that Delorean DMC-12s do not usually disappear into thin air in the middle of shopping mall parking lots while leaving nothing but a spinning ‘OUTATIME’ vanity plate and trails of sparks and flame on the ground behind them.” Local police chief James Strickland was quoted this morning during a formal press conference on the subject. “Nonetheless, we have learned that Mr. McFly had recently gotten involved in betting on horse races, so we are continuing to investigate this and other angles until Mr. McFly’s whereabouts can, at last, be confirmed.”

“He may also be operating under the alias of ‘Calvin Klein’.” Chief Strickland later added.

When a reporter from BBC News asked if there were any updates on a similar case involving a Tesla AutoPilot system being installed in 1960s London police box held by a collector in Hill Valley before the makeshift transportation device also disappeared without a trace. Mr. Strickland’s only reply was that “The Master” would not allow him to speak on the topic any further. The press conference was then abruptly terminated, and all attendees were advised to watch out for statues going home.

[SATIRE] “Crisis of Character” and the Fox News Scandal

“CRISIS OF CHARACTER” AND THE FOX NEWS SCANDAL
by NENSPAC

(Original Post: July 1, 2016)

As the countdown to November continues among Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, some on the Republican side are questioning why a recently released book by decorated military officer and former Secret Service agent, Gary J. Byrne, “Crisis of Character”, in which Mr. Byrne describes his experiences in guarding Former President Bill Clinton, often times from his own wife, who was reported to have been considered a threat to her husband’s safety, and, on at least one occasion, appears to have given him a black eye after throwing a vase at his head in a fit of anger, has not gotten almost any attention from the mainstream media.

One reporter brought up this point during a press conference with Mrs. Clinton late last week, asking her if she was aware of this book, and whether or not the allegations contained within it about her hair-trigger fuse and often violent anger did, in fact, have any validity.

“Of course not!” Hillary Clinton laughed politely, while smiling at the litany of reporters gathered around her podium. “This just goes to show that those on the Republican side will say and do anything to keep a woman from being elected President. You know, I haven’t even heard of this book. Tell me, do you have a copy here with you? I’d like to take a picture with it for the press just so everyone can see how ridiculous this whole thing is.”

“I do actually.” the reporter acknowledged, handing Former Secretary of State Clinton a copy from the brown messenger bag hanging from his shoulder. “Here… you can keep it.”

“Why, thank you…” Hillary smiled kindly, before wrenching the book out of the reporter’s hands and chucking it into his face as hard as she could, successfully knocking the reporter unconscious. “Again, there is absolutely NO credibility to any of the claims made in this outlandish book. Do I look like an angry person to you? Maybe when I don’t have my coffee, but I don’t exactly go around throwing things at people when I’m a little caffeine-starved, despite what some of the conservative extremists in the Donald Trump campaign may tell you.”

“Um… Mrs. Clinton?” another reporter chimed in, taking a step back from the first reporter to avoid getting blood on his new dress shoes. “Did you just knock Michael Hamden from CBC News unconscious with a copy of the ‘Crisis of Character’ book he just gave you?”

“No… of course not. That’s ridiculous! What is this, a Tea Party rally?” Clinton smiled, before taking a step down from her podium to rest a hand comfortingly on the second reporter’s shoulder. “Don’t you have any REAL questions to ask me, instead of these Republican talking points memos?”

Feeling instinctual fear for the first time in his entire career as a reporter for the Daily Trumpet, the second reporter, John Lachum from Nebraska, slowly shook his head no while sweating profusely, holding his breath until Mrs. Clinton smiled and took her hand off his shoulder, returning to her podium on the stage above him.

The matter did not drop with Mr. Lachum, however. It was ironically the often liberal-identifying MSNBC network to next bring up the story of Candidate Clinton’s supposed hurling of a bestselling novel at the head of a CBC News reporter, being one of the primary topics on Chris Matthews’ “Hardball” show the next evening.

“Hillary Clinton, physically accosted by a reporter from Fox News, and forced to defend herself by throwing a book at this cowardly extension of the Republican party, who then used another reporter like a human shield, causing that reporter to be knocked unconscious and taken to the hospital for medical treatment. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING THIS RIDICULOUS??? FOX NEWS SHOULD BE ASHAMED, AND, IF THEY HAD ANY DECENCY AT ALL, THEY WOULD APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY, BOTH TO ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED FUTURE PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON, AND TO THE CBC REPORTER, MICHAEL HAMDEN, AND HIS FAMILY.”

“Resist, we much. We must. And we will much. About that, be committed.” added Al Sharpton, on his own MSNBC program the next day.

Unable to determine how they even got involved in the apparent media scandal despite having abstained from even sending a reporter to any of Hillary Clinton’s press conferences since just before Christmas, Fox News responded in the only way they knew how, by inviting Donald Trump on each and every one of their evening programs for an interview, and repeatedly discussing the matter with him at length.

“I think Native Americans should pay taxes just like the rest of us.” Donald Trump explained, while Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly stared introspectively at the button on his broadcast booth to turn off Mr. Trump’s microphone. “Did I mention I love Cinco De Mayo? Trump Tower Grill makes the best taco bowls in town! You’re fired! Sorry, force of habit.”

As Trump continued to ramble on incoherently throughout Fox News’ evening line-up, Michael Hamden released a statement of his own to the media, after being confronted by a reporter on his way back to the hospital to have his stitches removed.

“I don’t really remember a lot about the last few weeks, honestly. Supposedly, it’s a side effect of having such a severe concussion.” Mr. Hamden said hurriedly, looking around nervously for any sign of books flying at him. “All I know is I’m never wearing a messenger bag full of reading materials to another press conference event again. Next time I’m worried about getting bored at work, I’ll just download ‘Generally Disgruntled Birds’ on my phone like everybody else. Or ‘Candy Crush: Diabetes Saga’. Wait… who am I again?”

This news story was sponsored by NENSPAC, the Non-Existent Nonsensical Political Action Committee, which like its name suggests, does not exist. Just like MSNBC’s viewers. Please don’t throw books at us. We don’t have good health insurance here.

[SATIRE] Next Windows Version Cancelled After Project Lead Doesn’t Know What Comes After 10

(Original Post: June 30, 2016)

As millions of disgruntled users continue to begrudgingly rely on the current version of their lazily-accepted new operating system, Windows 10, sources inside the upper levels of Microsoft have confirmed the startling and unexpected termination of the Project Lead behind their next Windows version, Casper Agoteal, after a shocking tweet posted to social media late last week in which the once lauded computer programmer and Windows enthusiast asked fellow Twitterites to advise him “What comes after Windows 10? Wait, wait… don’t tell me. It’s 12, right? I can never remember these things.”

In response, Microsoft loyalists following Mr. Agoteal on social media at first thought he was simply joking, replying with the usual range of humorous acknowledgements, such as “lol”, “good one, Casper”, and “Where’s John Connor?” As the night went on, however, Mr. Agoteal’s Tweets continued. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not stupid. I’m the guy who designed the touch screen interface for Windows 8, you know. Yeah, that was me. You’re welcome.” was next, immediately followed by, “Look, I only got this job because my dad knows someone on the board. I mean, I can sort of program, but all those numbers. They just run together in my head. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I can’t lose this job. I won’t go back to McDonalds! Somebody, help me figure out what to call this project!!!”

Before long, the posts grew desperate. It was at this point that Microsoft became aware of the issue. “Oh, no… oh, Man… my boss is calling me. He must have seen my Tweets. Look, I’m just kidding. I know what comes after 10. It’s um… 20. Or, um… 100. I’m not stupid. I’m really not. I really need this job, Man!!!” This was shortly followed by “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M EVEN DOING HERE… I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS… SOMEBODY, HELP ME OUT… MY WHOLE LIFE IS LIKE SERIOUSLY FREAKING OVER!!!” Around this time, followers of Mr. Agoteal helpfully began trying to tweet him the answer to his inquiry, that the name of his project should be simply “Windows 11”, but, at the same time, Internet trolls also jumped on the band wagon, suggesting that the next number after 10 in standard mathematics was everything from “10 1/2” to “15” to “Q” to “John Stossel”. Unable to sort through the posts in his increasingly confused and emotional mind, Mr. Agoteal’s “fight or flight response” triggered, and he ran screaming from his computer, curled up immediately in the fetal position, and fell asleep crying on the floor of his studio apartment in downtown Los Angeles, as reported on social media the next morning by some of Mr. Agoteal’s more nosy, and apparently telescope-wielding neighbors.

The Head of Upper Level Programming and Development Technology at Microsoft Industries and Mr. Agoteal’s boss, Double Doctorate in the fields of Computer Science and Communications, “Big Bo” Samns, tweeted the next afternoon, one final time from Mr. Agoteal’s account, before news of his termination hit the press. “Microsoft apologizes for any inconvenience caused by the actions of former Windows 11 Project Lead, Casper Agoteal. Due to core problems with the initial conceptualization of the next Windows version, Microsoft Industries has permanently discontinued the Windows 11 project, and, instead, will issue regular updates to Windows 10 as a permanent, final version of Microsoft Windows, similar to OS-X.” Despite the shocking reversal of Microsoft’s originally announced development schedule, most irritated Windows users were reported as claiming general indifference to the revolutionary announcement.

Since last week, media sources have attempted to reach out to Mr. Agoteal for comment, but have been mostly unsuccessful, with the exception of a single popular computer and technologies blog, The Daily Hard Drive, who fervently claim to have gotten an interview with Mr. Agoteal. The most interesting question of note from that interview, “What are you going to do next after being fired from Microsoft? Are you really going back into the fast food industry?” was asked near the end of the Q&A, at which point, Mr. Agoteal unexpectedly responded, “Nah, my uncle is actually connected to one of the guys who works at Bungie, and he says he can get me a job there making video games if I want. I have a lot of great ideas about how we can re-integrate Call of Duty style weapon loadouts and the Reach reticle bloom back into Halo 6 to make it freaking awesome again. Also, wouldn’t it be cool if Mister Chief was really a chick like that Samus girl in Nintendo?” When advised that Bungie no longer owns the Halo property, but, rather, his former employer, Microsoft does, Mr. Agoteal’s reply was unintelligible, but did ironically contain exactly eleven different variations of vulgarity.

[SATIRE] Cardassiexit – Planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV Votes Out of the Cardassian Union

(Original Post: June 27, 2016)

In a stunning move Thursday, the citizens of planet Alpha Cerissius Minor IV have decided, in a narrow 124,241 to 122,116 vote, to end their affiliation with the powerful and galactically influential Cardassian Union and return to their previous status as an independent, unaffiliated colony world, exactly as the Alpha Cerissian people existed before their forced membership into the Cardassian Union almost 200 years prior. Cardassian Governor Taymor Shokaran has announced his disgust with the Alpha Cerissian people’s decision, and is expected to resign sometime within the next few days, assuming he is not driven from his luxurious governor’s mansion sooner by mobs of Alpha Cerissians brandishing photon torches and disruptor forks.

The Cardassian Union is apparently also unamused by the decision, and is rumored to have dispatched Obsidian Order operatives to Alpha Cerissius immediately after learning of Alpha Cerissius’ decision in order to “ensure the validity of the Alpha Cerissians’ supposed independence vote” and “gently remind the Alpha Cerissian people of the difficulty of maintaining peace on their own in the dangerous political climate of today”. One Cardassian official, not realizing his audio recording device was on at the time, was unintentionally noted as saying “Where did those backwoods Alpha Cerissian hicks learn about naive Federation nonsense like democracy and voting?” Unnamed Obsidian Order sources have traced the possible education of the Alpha Cerissian people to a historical datapad left behind by a Federation trader whose ship’s navigational system became damaged, causing him to drift unintentionally into Cardassian space, before docking and making repairs at a port on Alpha Cerissius’ northern continent of Safiera.

“The Federation will have much to answer for if we determine the rebellion of one of our most profitable trading outposts in the sector to be a result of Earthling brainwashing.” Cardassian Senator Juul Tamatt commented, when asked about this possibility by a reporter yesterday morning. “As if we Cardassians are gullible enough to believe that this propaganda piece… ‘”The Declaration of Independence” and Other Early American Revolutionary Era Documents’… was not written and left on a supply crate in one of Safiera’s busiest markets to intentionally stir up discord among our conquered, I mean, federated peoples.”

United Federation of Planets officials have denied any intentional tampering with the culture of Alpha Cerissius, however, and have shot back, raising concerns about large fleets of Cardassian warships being sent for “training exercises” eerily close to Alpha Cerissius’s location, as detected by the long range sensors of nearby Federation outposts.

“So, first the Federation stirs up rebellion, and now they convict us for training our military personnel? I will not hear anymore of these false accusations…” Senator Tamatt added to his previous statements, when questioned about this new development earlier today. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a crate of Horozian Flu vaccine to include with the supplies for the shuttle leaving tonight to pick up the Cardassian officials from Alpha Cerissius. Why? Um, no reason. Oh, yes, I mustn’t forget to have some polarized anti-disruptor riot shields and emergency medical stasis emitters delivered to the shuttle crew, either…”

Realizing he was still being interviewed, Senator Tamatt broke eye contact, pulling nervously at the collar of his uniform, and stammered out a follow-up statement.

“Can never be too careful, you know?”

In other related news, a single Borg drone known as Twelve of Fifteen similarly voted in 1 to 1 decision to vote himself out of the Borg Collective today in an unspecified, remote sector of the Delta Quadrant. According to long range transmissions received from the Federation starship Voyager, when local Delta Quadrant reporters attempted a follow-up interview with Twelve of Fifteen, a new, almost identical drone had filled Twelve of Fifteen’s regeneration slot on Borg Cube #45001201, and no trace of the briefly independent drone could be located with conventional scanning equipment. When asked about Twelve of Fifteen’s current whereabouts, the Borg Collective had no comment, but did assimilate one of our science vessels.

[SATIRE] Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC

(Original Post: June 11, 2016)

The following is an unpaid joke advertisement from Fallout Universe Medical Solutions, LLC. The opinions expressed in this fake advertisement for a fake product will not make sense, and thus most likely do not reflect the opinion of myself or the “Eye of Zatara”:

Things went well for me as a hot-headed youth in the mean streets of the Capitol Wasteland, but as I started getting older, I started to notice the way I dealt with things was changing. Conflicts I was once interested in having, I would start to back away from. Bullies I previously would stand up to, I found myself trying to negotiate with or just avoid. It was like something was missing from who I used to be – like a fire had gone out inside me – and I couldn’t quite get back to the way I used to be.

That’s why I went to my local doctor, and he told me I may have an actual medical condition called “Wastelander Unnecessary Savior Syndrome” or “WUSS”. My doctor told me that my good karma was getting in the way of being the scary Raider warlord I had been in my prime, but he had a solution. That’s when my doctor told me about Psycho.

Psycho is a once daily medication created and tested by American scientists during the Battle of Anchorage to boost combat ability in power-armored soldiers. Psycho has been proven in studies to increase aggressive, territorial behavior in men, women, and Ghouls by suppressing the natural inhibitors used by the brain to repress regressive, animalistic tendencies. 90 out of 100 participants with WUSS examined by the Brotherhood of Steel showed significantly decreased karma within seconds or minutes of being prescribed Psycho, and, of those 90 participants, almost 85% showed a complete remission of WUSS symptoms with continued prescription use.

Side effects of Psycho may include violence, memory loss, shaking, seizures, destruction of property, guilt, forceful ejection from civilized society or imprisonment, and intentional or unintentional injury to nearby Scribes said by the prescribant to have “a stupid look on their face that really makes me mad”.

If you think you might have WUSS symptoms, ask your doctor today if Psycho might be right for you!

Psycho is a trademark of absolutely no one, as it does not currently exist. Opinions expressed in the above parody of an advertisement have not been evaluated by the FDA, and are not certified to diagnose, treat, or in any way affect medical conditions in the real world, only in the fictional Fallout Universe. If you feel you may have symptoms of Wasteland Unnecessary Savior Syndrome, please consult your doctor in addition to a trained clinical psychologist or close personal friend who can pray for you.

This news article from the future is brought to you by “Rob Co.” Rob Co. – “Don’t make us flip the crazy switch on your cleaning robot. We’ll do it. We’re jerks.”

[SATIRE] Gavin Woods Announces “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”, First X-Men Movie About a Horse

(Original Post: May 28, 2016)

Undaunted by the lackluster success of new X-Men movie installment, “X-Men Apocalypse,” Gavin Woods, Director of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” has announced via Twitter the next in the series of Marvel mutant superflicks, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator”. Finally revealing the much wondered about backstory of the genetically mutated superhorse, “X-Aggerator”, on the big screen for all to see, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” will attempt to combine the critically lauded “X-Men: Days of Preakness Past” storyline from Marvel Comics’ short-lived X-Men spin-off series, “X-Horce”, with the new tale of the mutant champion’s past, including his early childhood conflicts with later rival and fellow supermutant horse, “Nyquistsilver”.

After the inclusion of Spiderman, previously a Sony Pictures movie property, into the Marvel Avengers movie anthology, Twitter followers were quick to respond to Gavin Woods’ tweet by asking if this was a sign that X-Aggerator may find himself included in the next Avengers installation, as well, to which Mr. Woods responded almost immediately with the following: “I dont knoo. 😉 Whateerver gets people to watcjh the movey on opneing nite, I gesuss. Lolz. ‪#‎ImDrunkRightNow‬ ‪#‎HesTotallyinAvengers3‬“.

Whether or not X-Aggerator is introduced to the Avengers movie universe as so subtlely hinted at by Mr. Woods, the announcement of another “X-Men Origins” movie to explore this character’s rich and exciting past has been welcomed with open arms by the Marvel fanbase and movie-going community.

“What the ****?” quoted a man dressed like a green half-human half-pterodactyl who would only identity himself by the monicker of Sauron. “First, Ghostbusters, and now this? I might as well just stop asking my mom to take me to the movies.”

“Excelsior!” quoted another man, a grey-haired older gentleman with large, dark glasses, who said he had gone to every premier of X-Men Apocalypse possible in the last twenty-four hours, as he “can’t stand there being a Marvel movie [he is] not somehow a part of.”

Tenatively set to release in the early summer of 2017 alongside other popular movie sequels such as “Fast and Furious MCDXIII” and “The LAST Airbender Hopefully It’s Really the Last One This Time”, “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” is sure to delight audiences new and old, and may even greenlight the return of the “X-Horce” comic book series as long awaited by at least a half dozen devoted collectors and fans.

“Holy crap, what have I done?” Gavin Woods added in a follow-up tweet the morning after his possibly intoxicated revelation of the “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” project the night before. “Oh well, absolute worst case scenario, Bryan Singer can always retcon it away with another time travel movie, right? Right??? Ah, you know I’m right… ‪#‎DeadpoolLaserEyesRoflSwordHands‬ ‪#‎NeverDirectaMovieWhileDrunk‬ ‪#‎PlotLinesAreForSoberPeopleandtheMalcontented‬ ‪#‎CanBryanSingerFixTerminatorGenisysTooMaybe‬ ‪#‎HashBrowns‬”

(An artist’s rendering of possible box art for “X-Men Origins: X-Aggerator” has been attached to this article for aesthetic purposes. The art depicted may or may not resemble the content of the actual horse-based Marvel superhero movie.)

#HashBrowns

[SATIRE] Yoohoo Civil War [A Biased and Unfair Review]

(Original Post: May 16, 2016)

Hey, a friend of mine who’s Head Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine sent over this review for the new Captain America movie one of their writers who lives in Luxingfort, KY sent in. Apparently, they didn’t have room for it in their magazine this month, and said I could post it on the “Eye of Zatara” if I wanted. I thought it was pretty good, so I figured I’d share it. I hope you like it, too!

“Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War”
[A Biased and Unfair Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

This last Friday evening, I was graced through my vast social and political connections in town to acquire an exclusive, after public release, free-after-paying-regular-admission-price ticket to the latest Marvel superhero film, “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” at the local Royalty cinemas, the girl at the counter, apparently aware of my power and influence, even allowing me to choose my own seat and noting it in the system so no underprivileged freeloader could steal my optimal location while I was securing refreshment, and also bestowing special, movie-enhancing glasses with top-of-the-line, multi-dimensional technology to increase my film enjoyment at no additional charge.

Overall, I had a… reasonably… enjoyable experience, but, as a man of opinion, I feel that to give back to the little people who helped me secure my entertainment for the evening at so little of my own expense, I must share my thoughts and feelings about the movie with any who will listen, and offer a review to other potential moviegoers that would like to know if this movie is worthy of an affluent intellectual’s time. And, so, here is my review. (“Spoiler Warning” would be the commoner’s expression to include at this point, would it not? Bah.)

MOVIE: 9/10 – The movie was well written, well executed, and extremely enjoyable. Despite being called “Yoohoo Civil War”, there was far less connection to the delicious, chocolate and strawberry flavored beverages in the plot than I expected, but the emotional and political conflict that replaced it seemed adequate enough. I was told to stay after the credits for some sort of additional scene, but I can’t be bothered with such things. Credits are best saved for environmentalists and the malcontented.

POPCORN: 6/10 – The popcorn I acquired at the refreshment station that greeted me upon my triumphant entry to the greater Royalty theater complex was buttery and satisfying. I was even offered a small “combination” deal should I also acquire a drink and other amenities from the station, but felt that I had been shown enough preferential treatment for the night and declined, choosing instead to pay individually for my drink. The 6/10 comes from the fact that I spilled some of my popcorn while getting settled into the king-like, reclining throne made available for me instead of a normal movie seat by the Royalty staff. I am not quite sure how me spilling my popcorn is really anyone else’s fault, but I’m sure it had to be as a result of some distraction by the loud movie previews of other films I can’t be bothered to watch all of. Movie previews are for dog breeders and the malcontented.

SODA: 8/10 – The soda I purchased along with my popcorn, a “Classic” version of Coca-Cola obviously reserved exclusively for those with the most sophisticated of palettes, was quite delicious, like a fine wine, except hundreds of dollars cheaper. I was even offered a free “refill” since I had purchased a larger, more carafe-like vessel for its consumption than the typical, smaller trinkets chosen by many of the less privileged around me. I took advantage of this “refilling” on my way out of the theater, a final token of respect by the Royalty employees for my seat of influence in the Luxingfort community.

HISTORICAL ACCURACY: 1/10 – This is one point I have to hold against “Yoohoo Civil War”. While I am willing to accept a fair grain of artistic liberty regarding the “Captains of America” and “Tony Stank” characters represented in this movie, I am fairly certain they are not accurate representations of any actual American Civil War personas. The movie begins in some sort of nonsensical city called “Wakanda”, instead of Fort Sumter, as with the actual American Civil War, and the movie only loses more historical veracity from that point. At no point in American history at all, much less during the years of 1861 to 1865, have Union and Confederate armies ever engaged in a firefight by throwing shields and shooting spider webs at one another. What is this nonsense? I enjoyed the movie’s plot line with the same joy I might an imaginative fairy tail, but by saying this movie has some connections to the bloody events that nearly tore the United States apart a few centuries ago, the producers of this film likely have Abraham Lincoln rolling over in his grave. I am fairly certain the sixteenth President of the United States never broke criminals out of prison with a bow and arrow, nor did General Ulysses S. Grant ever run around calling himself “Grant Man” while shrinking to the size of a small bug or insect of some sort. It is almost comical how ridiculous this representation of history was, but my amusement ended when I realized it would likely be treated as accurate by the less intellectual, such as misguided Trump supporters and the malcontented.

ATMOSPHERE: 4/10 – The lighting, sounds, and projection systems built into the futuristic, third-dimensional entertainment venue I was granted access to by the Royalty employees with by privilege-bought, admission price ticket, were all adequate for my needs as a man of leisure seeking entertainment. There was, however, a fair amount of popcorn spilled onto the floor in my area very early on in the “previews” section of the “Yoohoo Civil War” presentation. This was not cleaned up immediately, and was still present when I left the theater viewing room. This is not acceptable. Spilled popcorn on the floor is for libertarians and the malcontented.

YOOHOO REPRESENTATION: 0/10 – Thinking through the movie again as I write this, I realize now there were no actual scenes containing Yoohoo beverages in this film, either in the “previews”, or in the actual movie itself. There may have been something after the credits, but, as I explained before, watching credits is for the xanthophobic and the malcontented. This is an outrage! No accurately-represented Civil War events, and no Yoohoo drinks? I simply cannot ignore this. This is false advertising in the highest sense! Bait and switch! I call bait and switch, my good sirs! Marvel Studios will hear about my discontentment! Yoohoo Civil War may have been one of the best “superhero”-type movies that I have seen in my thirty long years of privilege on this planet, but false advertising is for Klingon speakers, taser owners, and the malcontented! Not for one of my position and station in life! Enough talking about this. My high blood pressure cannot bear it any longer. Just know that “Sam Lee” or whatever his name is will be working at Fed Ex by the time I am done expressing my fury to his superiors.

Overall, “Yoohoo Civil War” is a great movie, one which I recommend to anyone, especially fans of the “superhero” movie archetype, but it has no Yoohoos, and does not mirror the American Civil War in any way. My review “score” for the characters, plot, theme, visuals, soundtrack, action, and excitement of the movie itself is a 9/10. My total review “score” for the movie including factors such as my enjoyment of popcorn, soda, atmosphere, and the movie’s representations of both Yoohoo chocolate beverages and the American Civil War is 4.5/10, and that is quite generous, in my opinion.

Hmph. I don’t even know why I bothered writing such a bothersome piece of mostly advertising documentation. “Movie reviews” are for trading card game collectors, muffin bakers, vegetarians, and the malcontented. They are not worth the time of a busy and affluent intellectual like myself. Where’s my driver? I need a few circles around Polygon Park in my Honda Element to regain my calm…

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit somewhat misguided editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His most famous articles include “Quizno’s? What in the Name of All That is Good is a Quizno’s?” and “The Gentleman’s Guide to Chocolate Milk”. Please don’t email us about him. We have a hard enough job. We have to work with him everyday, you know. I really hope he doesn’t read this…”