Satire – Page 3 – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] Biden to Keep “Space Force”, Also Announces “MySpace Force” to Guard Americans Against “AOL Chat Rooms”

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen. “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say? Horse? Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst? No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely. “Ok, listen, People, we gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids. To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again? Where am I? Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember. To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube. It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time. “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’? Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly. “That sounds like a great idea! Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again! My leg! You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically. “Somebody, call Corn Pop! I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true. That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it. What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he? We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces. That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country. I could believe that. But his Vice President won’t let him. So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila. “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’ How can we make Oceania great again? By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’ And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too! Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down. They’re winners. Like me. Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me. I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”. Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.

[SATIRE] New PS5 Announced with Features for Most Loyal Customers – Playstation 5 “Scalper’s Edition”

[February 17, 2020]

San Meteo, California – In an unexpected announcement today, Sony Interactive Entertainment (SIE) President Jim Ryan revealed to reporters that the newest in their popular line of video console devices, the PlayStation 5, which was first made available to the public starting November 12th of last year, already has a new streamlined and upgraded version coming out that will be releasing to the public in very limited quantities starting as soon as the end of this month.

“We here at Sony Interactive Entertainment try to be as responsive as possible to our customers’ wishes,” Mr. Ryan explained to the reporters gathered at his San Meteo Headquarters earlier this afternoon, “So, we have decided to thank these very same customers by releasing a new version of the PlayStation 5 that is specifically tailored to the needs of those who have made our new product launch such a success. As a result, the PS5-SE, or PlayStation 5 ‘Scalper’s Edition’, will be available for purchase for exactly five minutes and only for exactly five minutes on every major commercial store in the country’s website on a date to be announced to select persons on the Internet later this month.”

“The Scalper’s Edition will offer a variety of features that will help it to stand out against its normal Playstation 5 counterparts, features specifically suggested to us by the bots that have formed the bulk of Playstation 5 buyers.” Mr. Ryan continued, “This will include the ability to list itself on Craig’s List and/or Ebay with a single touch of a button on the side of the console, an official legal release from SIE absolving the purchaser of any and all legal responsibility for re-selling the PS5-SE at whatever marked up price that they wish, a box for the PS5-SE that looks like another PS5-SE and can be sold to gullible parents online who don’t know better, and a series of special ‘Lockdown’ codes that will allow the original purchaser to shut down the PS5-SE console at any given time from anywhere in the world allowing them to extort additional money from anyone they sell it to whenever they want for as long as the console is in someone else’s possession.”

“We believe these features will help the Playstation 5 to truly stand out from his major competiton, the X-Box Series X, which has not cornered as much of the scalper market as our console, and will struggle all the more to keep up with our scalper sales once these new features are added to our base PS5 product.” Mr. Ryan concluded.

Reporters were elated with the new announcement from Mr. Ryan, although most of them has no idea what a video game console was or how it worked, and immediately asked if the SIE President would take down their email addresses to notify them personally when the PS5-SE becomes available, hoping to purchase one for their children and grandchildren who were unable to obtain regular versions of the PlayStation 5 last November.

“Sure, I’ll take your email addresses.” Mr. Ryan nodded enthusiastically. “But I will definitely make sure the consoles go on sale for a while before I actually notify you, so, by the time you receive an update from me to go and buy one, they will all be in the hands of our target customer base: bot-using internet scalpers.”

Microsoft has reportedly responded to this announcement by releasing a new X-Box version of their own, the X-Box Series XRSX-X, which is exactly like the regular X-Box Series X, except it has more letters branded on the outside of the console, and actually does work as a mini-fridge when not running games.

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Elected President of Vanuatu, According to Trump – Vanuatu People Respond “Please Send Help”

[February 15, 2021]

Port Vila, Vanuatu – In what is being described by him as a “landslide” victory, Donald J. Trump, the former 45th President of the United States of America, has apparently been elected the newly seated President of the small pacific island nation of Vanuatu effective immediately, according to Donald Trump himself and no other sources.

“Yeah that thing in the U.S. didn’t go so well. So sad. But I’m a winner.” Donald Trump explained to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden, apparently on vacation in the remote island nation when the story broke. “I won the 2016 U.S. Presidential election. I won the 2020 U.S. Presidential election. And now I won the 2021 Vanuatu Presidential election. Good for Vanuatu! Now, we can make America great again… but in Vanuatu!”

When asked if he was surprised about the results of the Vanuatu election, sitting Prime Minister of the Parliament in Vanuatu, Bob Loughman, replied, “Very. We only hold elections for President here in our country every 5 years, and the last President took office in 2017. Not only that, but Presidents are elected by Parliament and the Presidents of Regional Councils, not by direct ballot of the people. I’m not sure how Donald Trump got elected exactly.”

Now former Vanuatu President Tallis Obed Moses also weighed in, saying “This is worse than the time that Survivor filmed here.” and “Someone, please send help!”

“That’s fake news!” Donald Trump responded, when asked about the details of the election by CBC News later that day. “CNN wants you to think there is a sitting President here in Vanuatu that I am ‘overthrowing’ in some kind of ‘insurrection’, but the people of Vanuatu have spoken. I am their newly elected President, and will be building a golden throne here in the… whatever Vanuatu has for a White House… with which to rule their good people. Fine people. The best, in fact. That’s why they voted for me!”

Correspondents for internet news site “NowNews” reached out for comment to former Vice President of the United States, Mike Pence, who replaced the Welch’s Grape Juice company as second in command of the nation in the first year of #45’s four year term, to which Mr. Pence replied, “By the grace of glorious heaven, what has he done? That man must be stopped!”

Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has already announced piles to file… another… impeachment charge against Donald Trump for his actions in Vanuatu, causing her colleagues to explain to the 79 year old Speaker that the Constitution has no provision for “impeaching” the politician of another country, even if they once held citizenship and office in the United States, to which the Madam Speaker replied, “What? Constitution? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons? I don’t care about Constitution. This is the rule of law we’re talking about!”

All in all, despite several popular hashtags trending on Twitter such as #freevanuatu, #sendhelp, #comegettrump, and #whereisvanuatu, many of the people of Vanuatu themselves seem to have begrudgingly accepted Trump as their new allegedly-elected President.

“President Trump has promised to film a new season of ‘The Apprentice’ here in Vanuatu, which will create many jobs. He is also working on building a wall around Vanuatu to protect us from illegal immigrants which he assures us will be coming across… the ocean… to steal our existing jobs any day now.” one citizen explained to CBC News Reporter Michael Hamden later this evening.

U.S. President Joe Biden was asked about the situation in Vanuatu, but appeared not to understand the question.

“I tell you what, when I was growing up, I had a friend from Vanuatu. Mackey B., we called him. Now Mackey B. was a cool guy, but you didn’t want to cross him. He would fight… errr… I would… well… One time, he fought for me against some bullies, but those bullies followed him back to his house and stood around outside waving sticks and rattling the fences saying ‘Come on out, Mackey B. We’re going to get you.’ But back then, you see… we had these cars called Cadillacs and I had one of those, a nice one!”

President Biden’s answer to the question apparently continued on from this point, but no reporter was able to stand waiting in the room long enough to hear the rest of the gibberish.

[SATIRE] Baby Yoda Fired from “The Mandalorian” After Re-Tweeting “Gurgle Gurgle” to Gina Carano Post

[February 14, 2021]

San Francisco, CA – Speculation is rife about Season 3 of LucasFilm’s “The Mandalorian” after yet another actor has been released from their contract due to “abhorrent and unacceptable” posts on their social media accounts. Earlier this week, Gina Carano, who plays the popular Rebel droptrooper Cara Dune, was terminated from LucasFilm after refusing to vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris during the 2020 Presidential elections, which she followed up by posting non-conformist, mildly conservative things on her Instagram and Twitter accounts, such as refusing to identify her pronouns in her Twitter bio and reminding people it is not good to hate someone solely for their political ideology.

This week, Disney-imagineered puppet, “Baby Yoda”, showed support for Cara Dune’s radical statements after re-tweeting one of her more egragious posts to his own social media account with the added caption “*gurgle, gurgle*”, which was said in an “affirmative tone” according to several prominent puppet language experts.

“Some have speculated that Baby Yoda, being a child-like puppet, is not aware how to properly use a smart phone, and may have re-Tweeted Cara Dune’s posts by mistake,” explained high level LucasFilm executive S.P. Alpatine, during a press conference on the little green Mandalorian Star’s firing early Friday afternoon. “They have noticed that in addition to the offensive tweets of Cara Dune, Baby Yoda has also re-Tweeted posts from the social media accounts of Bill Clinton, Barbara Bush, the Twitter account for the monument Mount Rushmore, a Twitter account belonging to a 21 year old College student from Oregon that goes by ‘Travis’ who hasn’t posted in three years, and the Twitter for some truly wicked soul committed to the Dark Side of the Force by the name of Darth Sidious, who is in no way myself under another name.”

“Those of us belonging to The Senate… I mean Lucasfilm,” S.P. Alpatine continued, “Have concluded, however, that all of these re-tweets were intentional. Yes, including the one from Travis about how the card shops that sell Yu-Gi-Oh! cards in his hometown have no selection. Baby Yoda is an avid member of the competitive Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament scene, we are claiming. As a result, we have no choice but to terminate the small green animatronic doll from all future LucasFilm projects, to replace him down the road with… I don’t know… Danny Devito, maybe? His politics are right, at least.”

“When I heard that someone other than Gina was being fired from LucasFilm for their tweets, I kind of freaked out.” explained lead actor for “The Mandalorian”, Pedro Pascal. “After all, I compared Trump supporters to the Civil War Confederate Army and World War II German Nazis a month or so ago. Guess no one noticed those posts. Tough break for the kid, though. I’ll miss working with the little guy.”

“If anyone was going to fire you, it would be for being a part of that terrible Wonder Woman 1984 movie,” S.P. Alpatine responded from the crowd, apparently stalking the actors of The Mandalorian now to ensure further compliance with his “plans”. “Do not worry, however. All is proceeding as I have foreseen it…”

Hashtag #CancelDisneyPlus which has been trending on Twitter since Gina Carano’s cancellation, and may only gain more support with the firing of Baby Yoda. LucasFilm President Kathleen Kennedy was questioned about the firing of Baby Yoda, but refused to officially comment except to say, “While it would be unfortunate, if The Mandalorian collapses, I suppose we could always re-direct the resources to a new Star Wars project… like more ‘High Republic’ novels, a Rey spin-off movie, or maybe… that new sequel trilogy Rian Johnson is just aching for the public to see.”

She then began to cackle and laugh maniacally as her face turned ghost white and lightning crackled powerfully from her fingertips, striking George Lucas’ car outside a nearby Los Angeles restaurant and melting it into the shape of a Sith emblem.

[SATIRE] F.B.I. “Most Wanted” Criminal Arrested in Costco After Shopping With Expired Membership Card

[Original Post: September 30, 2017]

New Orleans, LA – After spending nearly ten years on the run from local, state, and federal authorities scattered across the southeastern United States from North Carolina to Texas, it was with great joy today that New Orleans Deputy Police Commissioner Andre T. Jeffries announced the capture and arrest of F.B.I. “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, wanted for multiple individual counts of murder, murder for hire, arson, vandalism, terroristic threatening, and over a dozen other serious misdemeanors and felonies, after Mr. Thompson was caught shopping at a local area Costco store without an active membership card.

“It was the darnedest thing,” explained local New Orleans resident and Costco member, Randolph Winter, who witnessed Mr. Thompson’s arrest firsthand earlier this morning, “Here he was, trying to buy a box of like… 100 tangerines for one ridiculously low price, and some fuses or something, too, I think, when, suddenly, the cashier just flat-out asked him, ‘Sir, can I see your membership card, please?’ At first, the man kind of fidgeted and tried to make some excuses, but, after a few minutes of that, he finally just fessed up and admitted that he didn’t have a membership anymore, at which point, what looked like basically a small football team of employees bull-charged him and threw him violently to the ground. By the time someone realized he was on the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list, the guy was already hog-tied with most of a box of 100 extension cords being sold for $3.99 and was being force fed samples of dried cranberries by an overeager demo lady. Once the police arrived, he was already curled up in a ridiculously plush down comforter in the fetal position, crying, and asking for more cranberries.”

When asked how long Mr. Thompson had been residing in the New Orleans area, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries stated the authorities weren’t sure.

“We are continuing to investigate Mr. Thompson’s time in New Orleans, including when he arrived, how he arrived, how he managed to stay under our radar since his arrival, and why he let his Costco membership expire. Fortunately, thanks to some excellent policing by an OCD Jewish guy, two weird friends who constantly joke about 80’s movies, and a bunch of kids in a hippy van with a morbidly obese talking dog, we do, at least, have a working theory.” the Deputy Commissioner stated, in response to an energetic question from intern CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, Jr.. “A few hours ago, we confirmed that Mr. Thompson did have a legitimate Costco membership card on his person, but the card expired at midnight last night. It may be that Mr. Thompson has been residing in this same Costco retail store continuously for months, if not years, completely unnoticed by the overly friendly and unfathomably helpful Costco employees who then sustained him through the constant feeding of free samples to him and the unquestioned use of their reasonably priced and exquisitely relaxing home furniture. Thompson got lazy, however, when he let his membership expire. The moment he did, those happy, angelic little helper bees he had been relying on so heavily at Costco turned on him like freaky children of the corn from one of those scary horror/murder films my wife’s son from her first marriage likes to watch, and he had no choice but to scrounge up some change dropped by other members in the concession line to buy some tangerines with which to stay nourished.”

“We’re not sure why he was buying the fuses, though.” Deputy Commissioner Jeffries later added.

While Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries was eager to go into full detail about the arrest and extradition of F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, he was less inclined to comment on other rumors that another F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal, ‘Most Wanted’ #36 Alvin Lee Guitierrez, may also be hiding out in the area, hidden in a local area Sam’s Club retail store, a competitor of Costco’s.

“While Mr. Guitierrez may, in fact, be hiding out in a New Orleans area Sam’s Club, it would be impossible for us to confirm this,” Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries explained. “When’s the last time a Sam’s Club employee so much as looked at you at any point during your last shopping trip there? We’ve brought in a rugged old police detective in a shabby tan trench coat from another precinct to help us check on this lead, but, in all likelihood, Mr. Guitierrez is completely safe in a Sam’s Club for the time being.”

“Deputy Commissioner Jeffries, a question.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., once again bombarded the long-time second in command of the New Orleans Police Department with a pertinent question. “Even if that’s true, is it really ok for you to say something like that out loud? I mean, wouldn’t that encourage more criminals, whether from the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list or not to hide out in Sam’s Club once they know that no one is really looking for them in there?”

Deputy Commissioner Jeffries shook his head.

“No, it would take a seriously damaged, criminally-twisted individual to be able to endure six months of experiencing poor customer service in order to hide out for any long period of time in a wholesale store other than a Costco. Frankly, I just don’t think most men have it in them.”

“One more question please, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., frantically waved his hand, literally climbing onto the shoulders of a taller reporter standing in front of him in order to be better seen by the assistant head of the New Orleans Police Department.

“Yes, yes, what’s your question this time, young man? I have to take questions from reporters other than you sometimes, you know.”

“Oh, sorry, I understand, Sir. This will be my last one. I promise.” Michael Hamden, Jr. apologized, before continuing on with his query. “Um, is it true that the Costco corporation donated over a million dollars to the New Orleans Police Department this year at your annual charity gala, and their logo will be stamped on the side of every police car in the city later this month? I checked the F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ list earlier, and I couldn’t actually find anyone on it named Leonard ‘Iron Jack’ Thompson. The only ‘Most Wanted’ list criminal seen in this area in months was this one shady guy who looks a lot like James Spader. I get that you arrested someone from a Costco earlier this morning whose name is Leonard Thompson, but, um, are you sure it wasn’t just some sort of homeless guy down on his luck or something? Also, you all are kind of talking up Costco a lot, while saying quite a lot of mean things about people who work at Sam’s Club, and-”

“PRESS CONFERENCE OVER. I HAVE TO GO PICK UP MY STEP-SON FROM JUDO PRACTICE. GOOD QUESTIONS, EVERYONE. SEE YOU NEXT TIME.”

As Michael Hamden, Jr. finished his questions, the lights of New Orleans Police Headquarters’ Press Room were suddenly turned out, and the Deputy Police Commissioner as well as all of his staff had left by the time any of the reporters in the room could find a light switch. Shortly after the Deputy Police Commissioner’s conference, however, the Deputy Mayor of the New Orleans held a similar press conference, lauding Deputy Commissioner Jeffries on his role in the arrest of Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, but regrettably also announcing the Deputy Commissioner’s sudden retirement from the job due to a rather severe flare-up of his childhood “Gut Bustetitis” illness. Multiple sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” report that a man very similar in appearance to Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson was then seen stumbling awkwardly out the front steps of a local New Orleans Police Department building several hours later, before being escorted home by an irritated-looking officer in a freshly-painted, blue and white Ford Crown Victoria with a Costco logo on the side.

The F.B.I. declined to comment to “The Eye of Zatara” on the capture and arrest by the NOPD of supposed “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, except to say, “He had it coming to him. He let his Costco membership expire.”

***

BONUS: In an exclusive “Eye of Zatara” related follow-up to this story, a 31 year old man claiming to have been the unknowing roommate of Mr. Thompson, the two of them having lived for almost six months hidden in the office supplies aisle of Costco behind a thousand black ink pens and a very expensive wall safe, also returned today to his former life, mumbling something incoherently to passing Costco employees about “finally updating his blog” and warning them to “watch out for wolves”.

In unrelated news, “The Eye of Zatara” is now being updated again.

[SATIRE] North Korea Abandons Conventional Arms, Announces “Moon-Sized Space Station with Turbo Laser Technology”

[Original Post: May 4, 2017]

Pyongyang – After several failed missile and nuclear weapon tests have slowed down his efforts for a “Super-Mighty Pre-Emptive Strike” against America, megalomaniacal North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has reportedly abandoned plans to threaten the rest of the world with conventional weaponry, and is now planning on building some sort of “tremendous moon-sized space station armed with turbo laser technology capable of vaporizing planetoids”. Throwing away their crayon on construction paper drawings for liquid fuel rocket technology, North Korean scientists (all three of them) are hurriedly getting out their tracing paper and colored pencils to begin the first stages of creating what Kim Jong-Un has promised to be “the end of that rotting Old Republic, America, and the birth of a glorious new Empire”.

South Korean officials, concerned about North Korea’s new plans, are already theorizing ways to stop Kim Jong-Un’s military scientists before completion of their new weapon, either by stopping the creation of the massive planet-destroying space station outright, or by subtlely sabotaging it in some way to create an exploitable weakness that can be used to destroy the super weapon in the event that Kim Jong-Un is ever able to successfully complete it, possibly hidden in some sort of minor sub-system that would be easy for North Korean scientists to overlook like waste disposal or thermal exhaust ventilation.

Also troubled by the new development in North Korea, President Trump has announced plans to send over two dozen of the nation’s latest military fighter craft, state-of-the-art new fighter jets developed by Lockheed Martin with a revolutionary “folding wing” design technology, which will aid the South Korean air force in the event of all out war against North Korea’s moon-sized space station. These prototype aircraft, currently bearing the experimental fighter plane designation XW-1-6 “Wingwalker”, are rumored to already be in transit now to an undisclosed South Korean military base on the Yavin Peninsula, to be piloted and deployed sometime next week by South Korea’s legendary air force color guard, the Red and Gold Squadrons.

Naming his new theoretical weapon of mass destruction the “Red Star” (after the large red star in a moon-like field of white on the North Korean flag, an emblem that closely resembles this new weapon), Kim Jong-Un has repeatedly ignored all attempts by the United Nations to stop his plans to apparently destroy the entire planet Earth if it does not submit to him. Also confusing is Jong-Un’s simultaneous ultimatums that the West “destroy all the Jedi”, so that “only the Sith will remain”, puzzling Korean translators who speculate that “Jedi” may be an attempt by Kim Jong-Un to say the America word “jet”, as in jet plane, in the English tongue, and that the North Korean dictator is requesting all air forces worldwide to be dismantled if he is to be expected to stop building the Red Star. “Sith” is believed to be a similar error by the North Korean dictator while attempting to say the word “South” in English, although this translation is debated, as it seems unclear as to why the North Korean dictator would want “only the South [to] remain”. Some speculate he is not only mispronouncing, but incorrectly switching the English words for “North” and “South” while arrogantly attempting to mix two languages into his unstable demands.

Whatever the dictator’s intentions, it seems clear that the world community cannot simply allow him to continue with his plans to build a planet-destroying weapon right under their noses. Already, the North Korean dictator has become furious at the posting of a U.S. aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Alderaan, right off his territorial waters, threatening to make the American aircraft carrier his “first target” immediately after activating the completed Red Star space station. The European Union has already begun probing North Korea for more information about the super weapon, for the first time ever confirming their use of a secret, heavily classified combined European intelligence agency known as the “Bothnian Interest”, named after Scandinavia’s Bothnian Bay rumored to be in close proximity to the hidden location of their underground headquarters, confirming these “Bothnian” agents have already infiltrated and will continue to infiltrate North Korea for more information on their new weapon. In response, Kim Jong-Un threatened the European Union, saying coyly “You want information on my Red Star? Many Bothnians will die to bring you that information.” and “Their mission is not a legal one. It is a criminal one. A Rogue One. I will stop it.”

As Kim Jong-Un moves ahead with his creation of the Red Star super weapon, much of the world is forced to watch and wait, relying on the growing Alliance of nations unwilling to tolerate Kim Jong-Un’s potential domination of our world under threat of total planetary annihilation.

In other news, President of the United Nations General Assembly, Peter Thompson voluntarily stepped down today, being replaced by a new United Nations President more equipped to deal with the growing threat of Darkness posed by nations of North Korea, a quiet and soft-spoken man of mild temperament, Al Patine of the small island nation of Coruscant. The meek but wise Al Patine promised this morning “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.” He then smiled, slyly, and added, “I love democracy. I love… Earth.” before slinking away into the shadows of the room with a tall man with red body paint on his face, as well as another, more aristocratic looking man who seemed out-of-place as if he had been thrown into the whole situation at the last minute in place of someone else.

[SATIRE] Ousted Bill O’Reilly Announces New “Killing” Series Book – “Killing My Career”

[Original Post: May 1, 2017]

New York, NY – Exactly one week after his abrupt ousting from the 8 pm time slot on the Fox News Channel, Republican news commentator Bill O’Reilly has announced the first major step in his unexpected career transition by moving up the timetable of his next mostly ghost written book, another in his recent series of “Killing” books which documents the death or downfall of a major historical person or party in the ever heart-stirring words of the charismatic and articulate Martin Dugard, (no, I don’t know who that is, either), his next likely New York Times bestseller apparently focusing on the public downfall of Mr. Bill O’Reilly himself, with the title “Killing My Career: How the No Spin Zone Spun Out Into the End Zone”.

Shortly after announcing his next work on social media, Bill O’Reilly sat down with CBC News veteran reporter Michael Hamden for an impromptu interview, in which he discussed both his departure from the Fox News Channel and his upcoming new book… sort of.

“I have no intention to bloviate, but I am a jocund, erudite intellectual possessing a clear and overwhelming conglomeration of sapience. The cretins spreading delusive canards like a cudgel against my character are but anserine, obtuse rogues and chimeras who impugn my transcendent excellence armed with but rumors and bavardage. I am no incubus.” Bill O’Reilly explained to a somewhat bewildered-looking Michael Hamden. “In time, those varlets will reveal themselves as charlatans, and my true chivalry and sagacity will eminate prominently throughout this planetoid once again.”

“Uh… what?” Michael Hamden asked with a puzzled look on his face, quickly pulling up a dictionary on his cell phone while Mr. O’Reilly re-ordered his last statement and spoke again.

“They cavil against me, those peevish eldritch ninnyhammers!” Bill O’Reilly clarified (or halfway attempted to), as Michael Hamden looked cluelessly at him as if he were speaking an entirely different language than the veteran reporter. “Vexation! This is not arcane fandangle! I am not a blatherskite! Are you acting the farceur to infuriate me?”

“Ninnyhammer… that’s one of the four monthly vocabularly words on your BillOReilly.com website this month. Are you… just using as many big words as possible to avoid answering my questions about the sexual harassment charges against you?” Michael Hamden asked, raising a suspicous eyebrow against the former master of the “No Spin Zone”, attempting to decipher Bill’s last comment using various references pulled up on his phone. “Blatherskite… ‘A bloviator who goes on and on without making sense’. That’s a ‘Word of the Day’ from March. You’re literally just using all these unnecessary big vocabularly words from your website, aren’t you?”

“Uh… culture war. Old school. Um… Talking Points Memo?” Bill O’Reilly mumbled incoherently before running out of the CBC News studio as quickly as he could. “PRODUCER, CUT HIS MIKE!!!”

A second interview between Michael Hamden and ghost writer of Mr. O’Reilly’s new “Killing” series book, Martin Dugard, was fortunately a little bit more enlightening.

“Why’d he choose to write a book about himself this time?” Mr. Dugard asked, quickly confirming Michael Hamden’s question for him before answering. “Well, Why do you think? So far he’s written books about the ‘Killing’ of George S. Patton, three popular American Presidents, the entire nation of World War II era Japan, and Jesus Christ, the Son of God. Even before being fired from Fox, the only person Bill could think of to write about on the same level as figures like Lincoln and Kennedy is, of course, in his mind – himself. Can you imagine spending every day working with a guy like that?”

Michael Hamden frowned, glancing at the Programming Director of CBC News watching his interview with Martin Dugard through a nearby window looking into Hamden’s office before looking back at Mr. Dugard.

“No, I can’t… Not at all.”

While overwhelmingly high pre-orders of his newly announced “Killing My Career” book have assured Bill O’Reilly’s continued presence in the public spotlight for several years to come, his departure from Fox News has led to other positive developments for several other Republican and conservative commentators still employed by the Fox News network.

“So, you bought a giant money vault on a hill with a golden dollar sign hanging on the outside in which to fill with a literal swimming pool of gold coins to kick and splash around in?” SLNC News reporter Timothy Gibbings asked new 8 PM time slot inhabitant, Tucker Carlson, the opinionist namesake of Fox News Channel’s new and popular “Tucker Carlson Tonight” show.

“Yes, what else would I do with the literal building worth of gold coins given to me by Fox News for anchoring their new weekday primetime line-up?” Tucker asked Timothy Gibbings while wielding his trademark, somewhat blank “What’s wrong with you?” stare.

“O…k…” Timothy Gibbings blinked uncomfortably, not even sure what to do with this interview going further, and unknowingly mumbling something about Trump being Hitler as a nervous twitch inherited from his recent, cult-like mainstream media “induction ceremony” upon joining SLNC News six months prior.

“Did you just compare Trump to Hitler?” Tucker asked, cocking his head slightly to the side in a convicting manner, having heard Timothy Gibbings’ quiet whispers with his nearly superhuman hearing.

“Uh… no, I said Trump works for Putin.” Gibbings caught himself with another quick, instinctual mainstream media comeback. “Yes, I said Trump works for Putin. That’s what I said. And he didn’t go to the recent White House Correspondents’ Dinner, either. Or pay any of his taxes last year. What a tool, huh? Total fascist, that one.”

Tucker Carlson blinked in feigned miscomprehension.

“And what does that have to do with my giant wasteful building of gold coins I swim in like old Scrooge McDuck from the classic Disney cartoon show, ‘Duck Tales’?”

“Uh…”

Several debate points later, Timothy Gibbings was on the floor crying like a baby, and Tucker Carlson had his lead segment for the next airing of “Tucker Carlson Tonight”. Smelling blood in the water, Bill O’Reilly immediately announced the next book in his “Killing” series to be published in a mere two months from now, immediately after the public release of “Killing My Career”, this one called “Killing Timothy Gibbings: The Obvious Bias of the Mainstream Media Exposed”, a book title which immediately swept Mr. O’Reilly up into another big legal controversy, led by several high-paid lawyers for both SLNC News and for the now somewhat desheveled and tear-stained Timothy Gibbings, but also successfully managing to triple online pre-orders of both “Killing My Career” and “Killing Timothy Gibbings” by his die-hard followers and fans.

Mr. O’Reilly’s only official comment regarding the new legal controversy regarding his “Killing Timothy Gibbings” book was to publicly call Mr. Gibbings a “snowflake”. When asked what he meant by this, Mr. O’Reilly merely smiled and told Mr. Gibbings’ lawyers they’d need to get a BillOReilly.com premium membership in order to find an answer to that. He then handed each of them a signed copy of one of his books for being “fair and balanced” before breaking down crying at their feet.

[SATIRE] NCAA March Madness 2017 – The Official “Eye of Zatara” Brackets!

(Original Post: March 18, 2017)

In a developing story, “The Eye of Zatara” is now posting their official bracket selections below for the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship apparently taking place starting this week at sports venues… well, I don’t know, somewhere? I guess? I don’t follow a lot of sports. Still, these are definitely the best brackets in the whole entire world, and I spent at least five minutes making them last night.

We’ll follow up at the end of “March Madness” to see how I did. Enjoy your basketballing and home run goals everyone! I hope your favorite team wins the Stanley Cup or whatever!!!

(Click each of the images to load them full size.)

EAST DIVISION

Insert Sports Here — Bossa Nova and Baylor Swift in the “Elite Eight”

WEST DIVISION

Sports Are For Nerds! — Lady GonzaGaga and Magneto (Uh Oh…) in the Elite Eight

MIDWEST DIVISION

Go, Sports Team, Go! YEAH! — Kansas and Kansas in the Elite Eight

SOUTH DIVISION

Sports are Like Ports, But More Plural, Because There's Also an S at the Beginning of the Word. — 1987 Cadillac and Kentucky in the Elite Eight

FINALS/SEMI-FINALS

I'm Out of Sports Jokes Now Please. — Obvious 2017 Championship Winner: Baylor Swift Over Kentucky in a Close Final Game

OVERALL BRACKETS (FULL SIZE)

Property of the Gatekeeper! No Trespassors! Posted! — Look at the Pretty Colors..

More to follow in the coming weeks. Stay tuned here, at “The Eye of Zatara”, for all your sports and Men’s Basketball related news needs!

EDIT: (Sorry, that’s a total lie.)

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] A St. Patrick’s Day Miracle! – Man Wakes Up After Night of Drinking in a Field of Lucky Zero Leaf Clover!

(Original Post: March 18, 2017)

New Orleans, LA – In what has been described by some as a “St. Patrick’s Day miracle”, 21-year-old New Orleans resident Ricky Lansing has awoken after a long holiday night of drinking, partying, and general revelry to find himself, to his surprise, in a wide field of “zero leaf clover” somewhere in St. Tammany Parish, an approximately one hour drive from the last place Ricky remembers being the night before, leading him to post a social media thank you to “the st patrks day elves or whtevr the hek tgis holladay’s about. wait, not elbes, lepercons mayB? thnk u, st patrks day lepercons!!@! u rok!! holy crp, man, sun is so brite out rite nw. wht the hck?”.

“It was incredible.” one of Ricky’s close friends and drinking partners, 26-year-old unemployed “college student”, Thomas Frederick “Freddie” Mustang, explained to recently reinstated intern news reporter, Michael Hamden Jr. from CBC News, a few hours later. “One minute, Ricky was right next to me puking on this cute girl’s shoes in this bar on Bourbon Street called ‘Memoriez’, the next he’s texting me from this like… massive field of clover, saying he needs a ride back to his apartment. It was like… crazy! Normally, I wouldn’t go and get him as much as I’d had to drink myself, but, hey, I figured… if the magic of St. Patrick’s Day is on his side, what can possibly go wrong for me, you know? I was half-right, anyway. Sorry, random guy and his neighbor’s mailbox. And pet terrier.”

“What exactly is a zero leaf clover, anyway?” Michael Hamden Jr. asked, as Freddie sniffed his shirt to see if it was ok for him to wear it another day to avoid doing laundry.

“You know, it’s like a regular or four leaf clover, but without the clovery parts. I’ve like… never seen so much of it in one place before!” Freddie explained, deciding the borderline stench of his three day old shirt could be concealed if he took it off and put it back on inside out while in the middle of his interview with Michael Hamden Jr.

“You mean like grass?” the intern reporter asked, making a sudden realization about the two drinking buddies’ story while looking through his notes on a small pad of paper.

“No! Wait, what? Grass? Well, maybe.” Freddie answered, somewhat surprised, completing the flipping over of his shirt and now pulling a random sandwich out of his cargo pants’ pocket and eating it right in front of the CBC News intern reporter. “Wait, you think we’re so stupid we can’t tell the difference between grass and clover? To heck with you, Man. We’re not stupid! This was clover, clover! C-L-O-V-E-R. It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle! A miracle, Man! How else would I have made it to Ricky in one piece crossing the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway when I was seeing quadruple? I like go to church, you know, like once… in a while… maybe. And I have a Bible… somewhere. Or maybe that’s just a phone book. Either way, that’s why it happened, Man, I promise you! Wait… is St. Patrick’s Day actually a Christian thing, or is that the one with the Pilgrims and stuff, I can never remember? No, that’s Easter, right? And why does this sandwich smell like beer and throw up?”

“…what am I even doing here?” Michael Hamden Jr. sighed, throwing his notepad into a trash bin before quickly leaving Freddie’s messy apartment in disgust. “And your sandwich doesn’t smell like beer and throw up, you do. Maybe next time take a shower within 24 hours or so of having an interview with a television reporter, just an FYI there, Buddy.”

“Ouch. Harsh, Man.” Freddie replied kind of tiredly before taking a bite out of his day old pocket sandwich. “Hey, where you going? I got this other great story I was going to tell you about how I found five bucks in a public restroom on Valentine’s Day last year!”

On the insistance of his father, senior CBC News reporter Michael Hamden Sr., Michael Hamden Jr. attempted to follow-up on this story with “miracle boy” Ricky Lansing himself, but was repeatedly met with unanswered phone calls followed by texts hours later saying “i got a hedache cal u later, bruh.” At that point, 22 year old Michael Hamden Jr. gave up on further investigating this story, and went himself to ‘Memoriez’ to drink away the stress of dealing with Ricky and Freddie.

In a related story, New England Patriots Quarterback, Tom Brady was also recently found in a field of “zero leaf clover” in the St. Tammany Parish area after disappearing from Houston, Texas following Super Bowl LI in a swarm of angry peregrine falcons. When asked by reporters if he also credits his safe return to solid ground to the “elves of St. Patrick’s Day”, Tom Brady explained further.

“No, after carrying me around in the sky for over a month,” Mr. Brady began, “the birds were getting pretty hungry, and that washed up actor, Nicolas Cage, was out throwing stale bread in the park, trying to convince some seagulls of the genius behind his self-written script, ‘National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something? No, Probably Not.’ The falcons were so hungry, they dropped me to steal Cage’s bread from the seagulls. I only wish the birds had just eaten me alive and gotten it over with so I wouldn’t have had to listen to Cage read me the script of yet another one of those stupid movies.”

“It was better than the first two, though.” Tom Brady then added, a look of thoughtful disgust on his starved and heavily bird-scratched face. “Heaven help me that I know that, but I do.”

As of the posting of this article, Ricky Lansing has not returned Michael Hamden, Jr.’s calls, and no confirmation of the existence of “zero leaf clover” has been made by New Orleans area botanists. Due to the publicity generated by this story, however, “National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something? No, Probably Not.” has been picked up by Walt Disney Pictures and is tentatively set to debut in theaters in summer of 2018 alongside other long-anticipated thrillers like “Twilight: Moon Something Something Solstice Eclipse Horizon The Teenagers Who Will Watch This Are Too Stupid to Know What These Things Are Anyway” and “Marvel’s ‘Captain, Uh, Somewhere’: The Lost Avenger”. Inquires about whether or not Nicolas Cage will himself star in the new National Treasure movie he wrote as in the previous installments of the movie trilogy have been answered by executives at Walt Disney Pictures with a loud fit of laughter followed by several hours of wild, hysterical crying according to reliable sources contacted by the “Eye of Zatara”.

EDIT: After the posting of this article, the author (the Gatekeeper) also broke down into wild, hysterical crying while watching a self-made trailer for National Treasure III posted to Nicolas Cage’s YouTube account this morning. His grief was so great even a hot, delicious Chunky’s Pizza ordered by co-editor, The Watchman, was not enough to console him, and he ran screaming off into a field of “shiny three leaf clover” that turned out to be poison ivy.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Obama Admits to Wiretapping Trump Tower, But Only to Record Inbound Prank Calls to Trump

(Original Post: March 6, 2017)

Washington, D.C. – Capitol Hill is in a stir today as seemingly unsubstantiated claims by President Trump over the weekend that Trump Tower had been wiretapped by agents in the Obama administration during his run for Presidency have apparently been confirmed by former President Obama, but with a strange caveat. Apparently, the only calls wiretapped from Trump Tower were inbound prank calls made by Obama officials to Donald Trump they wanted to “post to YouTube someday” because “[they’re] freaking hilarious”.

“Yeah, we’re sorry about not getting a warrant or anything, but, Man, once you hear the prank calls, you’re going to be laughing so much, you aren’t even going to care!” President Obama explained to veteran CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, in a quick interview at Martha’s Vineyard yesterday. “Me and Joe were rolling on the floor laughing so loud the Secret Service rushed in, thinking we’d been attacked or something. Sorry, agents Jackson and Carlisle, even the Leader of the Free World can’t always stop the funny from spilling out.”

While sources close to Donald Trump were apparently very skeptical of the Obama administration’s admissions, at first, continuing to stick by their unprecedented claim that all calls to and from Trump Tower had been wiretapped by President Obama, not just those related to prank calls (despite failing to offer even a single shred of hard evidence to support their assertion), Vice President Joe Biden has apparently stepped in to defend President Obama’s claims, leaking several of the former Commander-in-Chief’s wiretapped calls to the SLNC News Network, which aired them this morning during their 6 am news program, “Silence and Friends”. Since then, transcripted copies of the calls have been provided to a variety of media sources, including “The Eye of Zatara”. Several of the transcripted calls are included, word for word, below:

(October 10th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “Um, yeah, this is Donald Trump. Can I help you with something? Chop, chop, I’m in a hurry today. Lots of things to do in my pink work bathrobe, you know.”
[OBAMA]: [Laughing in the Background.] Yeah, this is, um… Brett O’Connor from the EPA. We just wanna see if your refrigerators are running there in Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “What? Are you serious? Of course they are. How else would we make the best taco bowls, like we do at Trump Tower Grill?”
[OBAMA]: [More Laughing in the Background.] (Whispered) “Here, Joe, you do the punchline. You do it better.”
[BIDEN] “Um, ok, yes, this is Brett O’Connor again. So, the refrigerators ARE running? Ok, well, um, good job destroying the environment, you electricity-guzzling, coal-loving Republican teabagger!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “What the… (Censored)? [Call disconnects.]”

***
(November 1st)
[BIDEN]: “Um, yes, this is Moe Griden from the FBI. We’re looking into the disappearance of a one Prince Albert from, um… the nation of Albertistan? We heard you have him in a can somewhere in Trump Tower – is that true?”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered from Background.) Hey, let me do this one here. Here, give me the phone. I can take it over from here.
[TRUMP]: “What’s that? Is this Melania? Honey, I told you to stop the drinking. You don’t make any sense when you drink.”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered) Trust me. I’ve got this. (Normal Volume.) “Well, you better go catch him! Oh, crap, I think I messed it up.” [Call disconnects.]

***
(December 11th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower? Is your refrigerator still running?”
[TRUMP]: “Oh, not this again. Look, I’ve got Flynn and Putin on the other line in a Conference Call, can we do this another time already?”
[OBAMA]: “(Censored) You!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “YOU’RE FIRED! YOU HEAR ME? WHOEVER YOU ARE, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE FIRED! EVEN IF I HAVE TO SPEND MY WHOLE FORTUNE DOING IT, I’M GOING TO TRACK WHOEVER YOU ARE DOWN, BUY WHATEVER COMPANY YOU BELONG, AND MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB THIS TIME NEXT MONTH. YOU HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE PUNK? YOU CROSSED THE WRONG LOUD, MEGALOMANIACALLY-MINDED MILLIONAIRE! DECEMBER IS GOING TO BE YOUR LAST FULL MONTH OF EMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY… OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!” [Call disconnects.]

“To be fair, he kind of followed through with that threat.” Joe Biden added, in an interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings earlier today, after the above audio clip was played on Gibbings’ news show, “Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings”, that airs five times a day on SLNC News’ failing left-leaning television network. “I still don’t think he realized who it was that had been calling him until I left my YouTube channel open on Barack’s computer on our way out of the White House in January. Right now, the video’s still set to Private, so he wouldn’t have found it otherwise.”

“Wait, you mean, you’ve already technically posted all this to YouTube?” Timothy Gibbings asked, his eyebrow raising sharply as a clear indication of either shock or stroke.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Joe asked, somewhat confused, while eating a $70 steak out of his famed Vice Presidential lunch pail right in front of the semi-popular SLNC news anchor. “How else am I going to get Subscribers?”

“Um… well… that’s um… interesting. Very, um… wow. Ok, let me ask you a more sane question, then, if I could, Mister Former Vice President.” Timothy Gibbings stuttered helplessly aloud, knowing his liberal producer wouldn’t allow him to say anything negative towards their decidedly liberal guest despite the overwhelmingly disturbing nature of his last comment, and awkwardly trying to move the interview in another direction as quickly as possible. “Did you and Barack ever wiretap anyone else while making prank calls on them like you did Candidate Trump?”

“Not that I can think of.” Former Vice President Biden answered rather quickly. “Oh, wait, Hillary once, too, but that didn’t work out too well…”

“What do you mean?” Timothy Gibbings pressed the former VP for more details.

“Well, I altered my voice a little and she kind of thought the one prank calling her was this kid who used to work for her as an intern. Jason Heeney or something.” Biden admitted, somewhat sheepishly, a little less amused by this prank than those he had made against then candidate and President-Elect Donald Trump. “The Missing Persons case was officially closed a few weeks ago, I think. The police never did figure out what happened to that boy.”

“I, um… I… I see!” Timothy Gibbings chuckled and swallowed hard, loosening his collar as his show’s producer began to glare at him angrily from the other side of SLNC News Studio 12. “And, with that, I think it’s time for a commercial break. Yes, definitely time for a break. Don’t you agree, folks?”

Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings then concluded their advertsied hour long interview with Joe Biden 30 minutes early, playing a short 10 minute compilation called “The Best of Timothy Gibbings” three more times to fill dead air after returning from an impromptu commercial in the middle of the SLNC News host’s discussion with the former Vice President of the United States about his prank calls on Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Faced with the new information that has come out about the very limited Obama wiretaps of Trump Tower, most senior Trump officials have now announced they are no longer pursuing this matter, but would appreciate if former Vice President Joe Biden would at least delete the relevant videos from his YouTube channel rather than opening them to public view, even for “Subscribers”. President Trump himself, however, has only buckled down on his original claim since these facts came to light, now insisting that every phone call he made from any device or location since he first joined the Presidential race was monitored and/or recorded by the Obama administration, and, furthermore, that the refrigerators in Trump Tower have very low energy usage, and, thus, are not destroying the environment as insinuated by President Obama during his prank call on Trump Tower early last October.

“The Eye of Zatara” attempted to reach out to Spokesman for the President, Sean Spicer, for further comment on this story from the White House, but he did not immediately return our calls. According to Internet news blog, NowNews, Mr. Spicer was busy today visiting a Washington, D.C. area doctor for a last minute appointment seeking a prescription for high blood pressure medication, or, alternatively, just a friendly shoulder for him to cry on, but these reports, however likely they may be, are currently unsubstantiated.