[REVIEW] “The Book of Boba Fett” – Season 1, Episode 4

By: “The Watchman”

So… it’s Wednesday again, and I’m really starting to regret my decision to do weekly reviews of this show. In all honesty, though, Episode 4 is probably the best overall episode yet. Rather than being infuriatingly stupid and full of massive writing clichés, this episode is only mildly dumb with a wonderful boredom factor that lulled me right into a very much needed nap. Still full of clichés, but, whatever.

Last week, I avoided writing a review of Boba Fett for two days to hide from the pain of watching Episode 3. This week, I’m just going to rip the band-aid right off, so I can have a full week to recover before I have to watch this stupid crap again.

[MOSTLY SPOILER FREE REVIEW]

This is a “Mostly Spoiler Free Review”, so I will talk about different elements of the show without discussing almost any specific plot points. This is a review for Episode 4, however, so there WILL be spoilers for previous episodes as we set the stage for what happened this week. If you are not caught up through Episode 3 before reading this review, you might want to do that first.

My mind may be trying to protect me, as I’m honestly having trouble remembering where Episode 3 ended as I write this review. I think we ended with the discovery that the same generic-looking fish (?) people that were involved in the Tusken Raider clan’s death are now also trying to take over Tatooine from present day Boba Fett. How nice that we can wrap up both parts of Boba Fett’s storyline in the same neat little bow! The number of coincidences in this show are insane. Let’s go over a few of them, shall we?

Boba Fett just happens to be wearing armor of a rare material that lets him survive the Sarlacc Pit. He happens to find whatever he found on the body of that Stormtrooper to help him escape (some kind of air or gas – I couldn’t tell). He then immediately collapses of exhaustion in the desert in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately, two entirely different native Tatooine peoples happen across his body, one to strip him of his armor to set up his appearance in “The Mandalorian”, and the other to save his life for some reason before Boba otherwise very quickly dies. These Tuskens then decide to make some kind of weird pet out of him, I guess, before he gets a random chance to prove himself and win them over because a child Tusken took his new pet for a walk at just the right place and time. (Isn’t Boba Fett such a badass?)

Fortunately for Boba, he seems to have been found by the nicest Tusken Raiders in the history of Star Wars. and instead of torturing and abusing him to death like they did Darth Vader’s mom in the Prequels, they teach him about their rich culture and make him one of their own, softening his heart and making him into a new man. You know, right before they all die off-screen.

So, Boba Fett is found and adopted by the nicest Tusken Raiders that have ever existed in Star Wars, who just so happen to get attacked for no reason (see last week’s review) by a train tied to the Pyke Syndicate, leading to Boba Fett once again being on his own until he just so happens, in all the massive expanse of Tatooine’s huge, empty, ocean-like deserts (for reference, Tatooine is roughly 82% of the size of Earth), to come across Fennec Shand immediately after she’s left for dead by the Mandalorian, so he can step in and save her life. Most of today’s episode deals with the formation of this partnership, which mostly involves Boba Fett being useless and Fennec Shand showing him up.

Like I said at the beginning of the review, very few things in this episode were so bad as to really frustrate or irritate me. It was just very dull. The writing is bland and predictable. The coincidences I listed above are added to GREATLY by new things that happen in this episode. Most of them are not really too unbelievable on their own, but when added together week after week, they quickly highlight how clueless the people behind this show’s story are.

There was only a single moment later on in the episode that surprised me enough to make me laugh and smile for a minute. Other than that, I was just tiredly watching Episode 4 waiting for it to end. I rolled my eyes at Fennec being better than Boba Fett at literally everything, which isn’t hard, since Boba Fett is generally bad at everything in his own show. I don’t know why they don’t just rename the whole thing “The Folio of Fennec Shand” and be done with it. Kill Boba Fett and let her run Jabba’s empire. She, apparently, is actually allowed to hit and kill people with blasters now, so it’d probably be a much more interesting show than this one. I can’t imagine it could get worse. (That isn’t a challenge, Kathleen Kennedy.)

Final Score: 6.5/10

“Better than any other episode thus far, Episode 4 replaces outlandishness and rank stupidity with more slow, bland, soulless storytelling, written to rob Boba Fett of any significance, as only side characters like Fennec Shand are ever allowed to shine, albeit dimly.”

[REVIEW] “The Book of Boba Fett” – Season 1, Episode 3

By: “The Watchman”

It’s that time again! Boba Fett aired this Wednesday, and I… couldn’t bring myself to talk about it for a few days. Clearly, I was stunned by this episode’s greatness. Let’s break it down. May the Force be with me, I’m going to put this episode on in the background while writing my review to get it fresh in my mind again.

[MOSTLY SPOILER FREE REVIEW]

This is a “Mostly Spoiler Free Review”, so I will talk about different elements of the show without discussing almost any specific plot points. This is a review for Episode 3, however, so there WILL be spoilers for previous episodes as we set the stage for what happened this week. If you are not caught up through Episode 2 before reading this review, you might want to do that first.

Episode 2 ended with Boba Fett celebrating with his band of Tusken Raiders after taking out the random sand train that was shooting them for no reason. It never made any sense that the train was going out of its way to attack local Tuskens who didn’t even seem to have noticed the train before being pelted with unprovoked blaster fire from a distance, since the Raiders didn’t seem to have any way to keep up with or fight back against the train without Boba’s help. (The Tuskens could shoot the aliens in the train, but only after the aliens opened the windows of the train to shoot at the Tuskens first.) It was fun and satisfying to watch the Raiders take out the train, but it never really made sense why any of this was happening in the first place. Tibanna gas for blasters isn’t free, nor are the lives of train personnel exposed to hostile fire for no reason.

Episode 3 starts out with Milton from “Office Space” (or Bill from “King of the Hill”, if you prefer) telling Boba Fett, “Well, with apologies, sir… no one respects you. […] It’s true.” Yes, it IS true, unfortunately. Everyone seems to blatantly insult and disrespect Boba Fett constantly in this show, and he just shrugs it off with a mild-mannered “Watch your tongue.” before doing literally nothing threatening to back up his half-hearted complaint. (Remember, that this man is supposed to be the shady king of a massive, planetary criminal empire.)

Like we saw in Episode 1 with the Gamorrean Guards, Boba Fett again recruits allies of questionable loyalty and talent in the beginning of this episode, which, like the Gamorreans, prove insanely useful and absolutely invaluable to his survival within a few scenes of him hiring them. Well, that’s convenient. Good thing they were much more useful than they seemed, and also completely 100% trustworthy. Otherwise, the series would be over, because Boba Fett nearly dies constantly in this show. He seems to lose a lot more one-on-one fights than he wins. A LOT more. (I guess the same could be said for his appearance in the original Star Wars movie trilogy, but he wasn’t a main character in the original trilogy like he is here…)

Without spoiling the plot of this episode any further, I’d really like to just say that this show, at least in Episode 3, has a LOT of good ideas. A lot of characters and situations they introduce are really interesting (on paper), with a lot of potential, but are just written and executed so poorly as to drain all excitement out of them. So many things happen which are unpredictable, but which make literally no sense at all if you stop to think about them. At the same time, many other plot beats occur which do make sense, but which are bland, boring, and telegraphed a mile away, robbing them of any sense of anticipation or joy.

This show is really establishing itself to be a bland show that wants so much to do cool things, but literally has no idea how to make them happen. It’s like a writer with writer’s block that knows that he wants to create a novel about something, has a great starting idea for it, but blanks out every time he puts pen to paper and just writes whatever. You may be able to get away with that in “The Mandalorian”, when you just can point at “The Child” doing something cute to distract the audience that your plot is sometimes a little shallow, but there is not a single character as genuinely heartwarming and sweet as Baby Yoda for this show to lean on in this way. As a result, the show just tries to do more, and everything it does is cliché.

This week’s episode is not as bad as the show’s premier, but not as good as last week’s episode, either. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can even continue to watch this show. I don’t look forward to it, and it is genuinely painful sometimes to watch. I paused this week’s episode several times to shout at the TV “What? Are you kidding me? That is so stupid!”, usually when some idiot kid with a motorcycle proved to be a loyal, experienced fighter on the tier of some of the best assassins and bounty hunters in the known galaxy. Is this really the best that Boba Fett can find to assemble a criminal empire with? If all his opponents are non-threats like the mayor’s secretary (Oh no! He might reschedule your meeting with the mayor this week! Such inconvenience! The monster!) and the do-nothing Hutt twins, then I guess street thugs, failed pig guards, and whoever else he adds to his little rejects menagerie next week might really be good enough to build an empire with.

The Mandalorian would not take half the crap that Boba Fett puts up with, and the Mandalorian is an honorable fighter living by a strict code. Whereas, again, Boba Fett is supposed to be a heartless bounty hunter only beginning to live by any real morality after nearly dying following his servitude to the repulsive Jabba the Hutt which included teaming up with the wicked Darth Vader and turning Han Solo into an ugly modern art piece. This version of Boba Fett wouldn’t freeze a mouse in carbonite without first giving it fifty chances first to say it was sorry for eating his cheese sandwich. Who wrote this crap? Oh, right, according to the credits, Jon Favreau wrote it himself.

That explains… so much.

Final Score: 5/10

“Another bland outing with lots of good ideas executed in the worst ways possible to rob them of all intelligence and emotion. Terrible writing continues to turn the most badass bounty hunter in the galaxy into a Mandalorian-armored Dr. Phil. I hope it doesn’t get a Season 2…”

Sorry if this review is really negative. Like I said in Episode 1’s review, I really wanted this show to be good, and I am very frustrated to have basically given up on it at this point. Now, I just want the show to be over so maybe a better The Mandalorian spinoff can take its place. (Bring back Kara Dune!) Still, I will try my best to be fair next week.

[REVIEW] GHOSTBUSTERS COMPARATIVE REVIEW – “Ghostbusters”, “Ghostbusters II”, “Ghostbusters: Afterlife”

By: “The Watchman”

I had heard mixed things about “Ghostbusters: Afterlife”, the latest in the “Ghostbusters” franchise, so I took some time this weekend to watch the entire canonical trilogy of “Ghostbusters” movies – the original, the sequel, and “Afterlife” to see what they were like and how they fit together. I have never seen “Ghostbusters II” or “Afterlife” before, and it’s been a while since I’ve seen the original. I’ve never been a huge “Ghostbusters” fan, but, after watching the whole trilogy back-to-back, I have to say that might have changed…

I’ve written a comparative review of each of the three “Ghostbusters” movies, reviewing them both individually and, also, how they fit into the greater whole. These will be mostly spoiler free reviews, as is always the case when I review a movie.

Go ahead. “Choose the form of the Destructor”:

“GHOSTBUSTERS” (1984) – THE ORIGINAL

“GHOSTBUSTERS II” (1989) – THE SEQUEL

“GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE” (2020) – THE NEWCOMER

[REVIEW] “The Book of Boba Fett” – Season 1, Episode 2

By: “The Watchman”

“Fate sometimes steps in to save the wretched.” – a fitting first line for the second episode of a show that had such a bad opening. If you read last week’s review, you know I didn’t think much of the show’s premier, but hoped things would turn themselves around. Good news: The episode was, overall, much better than last week’s, and I actually enjoyed it! Bad news: The show still has a long way to go to be worth watching outside of hardcore fans like me.

[MOSTLY SPOILER FREE REVIEW]

This is what I call a “Mostly Spoiler Free Review”, so I will try to talk about elements of the show without discussing any specific plot points. Now that we are in Episode 2, though, you may encounter spoilers for Episode 1 as I set the stage for this week’s episode. If you have not watched last week’s premier yet, you may want to do that before reading this review. You have been warned!

Last week, the show left off with Boba Fett standing triumphantly on the outskirts of a Tusken Raider camp with a big crap-eating grin on his face like he had accomplished something of value. (He had not.) This week, we jump back to the present day, and continue to follow Boba Fett’s efforts to establish himself as the new Jabba the Hutt. This starts with an interrogation scene where, of course, no one is really interrogated.

As we saw with Episode 1, the first half of this week’s outing is very boring and predictable, with watered down Disneyfied ideas of criminality and cheesy, unintimidating “tough guy” lines that make the entire affair feel like a kid’s show. The “twists” are visible a mile away, and Boba Fett is still refusing to kill anyone ever. I am happy to report that one person is allowed to fire a gun (once) during this sequence, however, which is a 100% improvement from last week’s Taekwondo lessons. Still, I found myself saying over and over, “Why doesn’t he just shoot him?” “Why doesn’t he just shoot her?’ and seeing Boba Fett as kind of a whitewashed (cowardly?) copy of himself for constantly letting people push him around and put him down when he is supposed to be some kind of shadowy criminal overlord. (Compare this to a show like “The Blacklist”.) Why would anyone follow such a leader?

When the show shifts back to Boba Fett’s memories of the past, I nearly lost it. I hated almost every aspect of the whole Tusken Raider affair last week. None of it made any sense, nor did it have any real dialogue to help explain it. It was mostly just Boba Fett walking silently on sand and it was horrible. That is how I felt this week, too, until… things suddenly took a turn for the interesting a few minutes into the flashback. Before I knew it, different characters were, at last, communicating with each other, interesting goals and stakes were being established, guns were now allowed to be fired, Boba Fett was doing something other than standing around stiffly like he got Botox on his whole body last month, and I was enjoying myself!

When he’s not getting constantly attacked, beaten up, and tied up by his enemies, this version of Boba Fett is a surprisingly interesting character! (Who knew?) Without getting into significant spoilers of what happens next, let me simply say that events in the past (“the dreams”) finally have some non-laughable action in them and the relationship build-up between Boba and the Tuskens begins to pay off for him. Even so, the plot still has a lot of coincidence, nonsensical motives, and cheesy dialogue that keeps even this interesting second half of the episode from being something truly special. If this were not a Star Wars show, I would not have cared enough to get invested in the story.

This is Star Wars, however, and the lead character is the amazing Boba Fett (more or less). As a result, I ended up liking this week’s episode more than I disliked it. The first half of the episode I would only give a 5/10 to, but the latter half is a solid 7/10. I must say I am surprised that the part of this week’s episode I liked the most (“the dreams”) was the part of last week’s episode that I hated the most. Overall, the episode was not terrible. Let’s hope it keeps improving!

Final Score: 6/10

“A divided episode, starting out boring like Episode 1, but ending on a high note that leaves a pleasant taste in the mouth, despite having more than a few lingering flaws.”

[REVIEW] “Spider-Man: No Way Home”

By: “The Watchman”

In an infinite multiverse where all things that can happen, do happen, what are the odds that “Spiderman: No Way Home” can live up to the hype? How can a single Spiderman movie possibly hold up to the heavy expectations laid upon it by Marvel fans? If Doctor Strange looked into 14,000,605 possible outcomes for this movie with the Time Stone, only one would be truly satisfying. Fortunately, we live in the universe with that one. “Spiderman: No Way Home” is great!

[MOSTLY SPOILER FREE REVIEW]

Following the cliffhanger ending of the last Tom Holland Spiderman movie in which Mysterio reveals the identity of Spiderman to the entire world, Peter Parker finds it difficult to live a normal life and seeks the help of Doctor Strange to set things right. This ultimately leads to a break in the multiverse itself, causing Spiderman villains from the other Sony Spiderman movieverses to slip into Tom Holland’s reality and attack him. Doctor Octopus from Tobey McGuire’s Spiderman 2 is the first to appear, leading to a chaotic romp throughout the now multiversally-mingled MCU that only further complicates Peter’s already very complicated life as a publically-identified superhero.

Not only does this movie feature multiple villains from previous Spiderman movies, the original actors themselves returning to play many of the parts, but it features the usual cast of characters from the Tom Holland MCU Spiderverse including his best friend Ned, his girlfriend M.J., and other MCU staples like Doctor Strange. The movie is a wonderful mix of intriguing life dilemma and intense super-powered action, a train ride of excellence that never stops all the way until the final moments of the movie, throwing out constant surprises to delight the geeky Spiderman fan in your life mixed with an ample dose of true human courage and heart.

The theme of your actions having consequences is played very heavily in this movie, and it is handled in a very adult and mature way. Not everything has a happy ending. Sometimes things go bad no matter how much you want them to go right, and no matter how honest and true your intentions were at the start. None the less, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” as Uncle Ben’s memory always reminds us, and Tom Holland’s Spiderman is now powerful enough to have to take responsibility for his actions as a superhero, even with the entire world breathing down his neck and criticizing him every step of the way.

It’s hard to talk too much about this movie without giving out significant spoilers, so, let me just say, there are some incredibly awesome things that happen in this movie that I don’t want to spoil for you. You definitely need to see this one for yourself, if you have watched any Spiderman movies in the last decade, and especially if you have seen the last MCU Spiderman movie, “Far from Home”. Watching Tom Holland’s Spiderman fight old fan-favorite villains like Alfred Molina’s vicious Doctor Octopus from Spiderman 2 is genuinely enjoyable, made more complicated by the Daily Bugle videotaping everything Spiderman does in another version of J. Jonah Jameson’s familiar crusade against masked vigilantes.

In the end, “Spiderman: No Way Home” is a lesson about choice and responsibility, and about what it means to be a hero in a world where doing the right thing can be very costly and difficult. While choosing to be fun and light-hearted whenever possible in true Marvel style, it still refuses to shy away from tough issues – it refuses to sunshine over every frowny face in the world with a spray paint can of distracting action and humor. No, in true comic book hero fashion, the movie courageously battles these issues directly, fighting them like Spiderman does his own menagerie of villains. What conclusion does Tom Holland’s Spiderman come to at the end of all of this, shall we say, multiversal madness? Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to watch the movie for yourself to find that out! (This is a mostly spoiler free review, after all!) I HIGHLY recommend you see it at your next opportunity if movies like this are even REMOTELY on your radar. And, if you’ve only seen it once, I’d even recommend you see it again, or buy the DVD and watch it. The movie really is just that good.

Final score for “Spiderman: No Way Home” is a very impressive 9/10, one short web swing away from total perfection, a very successful attempt at creating a thoroughly enjoyable outing for our friendly neighborhood Spiderman.

Final Score: 9/10
“One of the best MCU movies to date, filled with nostalgia for returning Spiderman fans, and enough true, unfiltered character and heart to make forever Spiderman fans out of everyone else. Listen to your friends who have seen it! Don’t miss out on this one!!!”

[REVIEW] “The Book of Boba Fett” – Season 1, Episode 1

By: “The Watchman”

Boba Fett is back, as the Mandalorian’s first official spin-off begins. Expectations are high among Star Wars fans, including myself, as the Mandalorian and its legacy remain the only legitimate remnant of Star Wars to be born in this new age of haphazard sequel trilogies and “High Republic” nonsense. So, how did it do? How is the first series to focus on one of the biggest bad asses in all of science fiction? Well… in a word? Boring.

[MOSTLY SPOILER FREE REVIEW]

Starting out promising as we literally watch Boba Fett tear his way out of the innards of the Sarlacc following the events of “Return of the Jedi”, the story really goes nowhere after that for the entirety of the show’s first episode. Most of the show is just people walking around, standing around, and other time wasters. This walking and standing around is usually accompanied with no dialogue whatsoever, or with small bursts of untranslated alien mumblings. This air of silence works well with the Mandalorian because he’s usually doing something badass and crazy every couple of minutes. Boba Fett, however… is mostly just being silent. At one point, the episode replaces the characters standing and walking around in the sand with them quietly digging in the sand, and I got so bored that I literally took out my cell phone and started texting my friends asking if they had seen the episode yet (and asking them if it gets any better). And this is coming from a guy who made a Star Wars website when he was 12 that is still on the web if you know where to look for it.

What really irritated me the most about the episode, though, was the total lack of blasters. For some reason, no one uses a blaster in this episode. At all. Not one time. Boba Fett uses a missile or two, but the biggest, meanest, toughest bounty hunter in the entire Star Wars galaxy is apparently not allowed to use guns anymore, or, so it seems, as every battle sequence was just people swinging at each other with swords and sticks, or, worse, doing Power Rangers style kung fu kicks and flips. I think I literally said out loud “What is this shit?” when I started watching a trained sniper assassin (Fennec) start flipping and jumping around like a bad 90’s comic book supervillain to deal with people trying to kill her, instead of… I don’t know… just shooting them? It was utterly absurd.

Boba Fett looks really badass in his armor, I’ll give him that. If he’d keep his helmet on and actually use his blaster once in a while, he’d be pretty intimidating. I want this show to be good, and it still has time to improve. Nothing in the episode ruined the character or the story in a way that can’t recover 100% if things are different starting in Episode 2. However, there is one other issue with the show that’s going to need to change for me to really get on board with it, and that’s the fact that, well… Boba Fett is just way too nice. Like super nice. Nicer than the Mandalorian. Yet he’s supposed to be, in his own words, a “crime lord”. He’s supposed to be a fearless antihero that wants to turn a new leaf, but still sits on the throne of the corrupt and vile criminal underground of Hutt-stamped Tatooine. Instead, he spends the entire episode sparing people who blatantly insult him, unconditionally trusting people that he literally just met and hired, being humble, talking endlessly about loyalty and respect, taking off his protective helmet, and avoiding killing people around him at all costs, even assassins. Oh, and being beaten up, tied up, weak, and wounded. That happens to Boba a lot in this episode, too.

Overall, like I said, the show has a LOT of flaws. Nothing in the show was so bad as to ruin the character of Boba Fett, or stop the potential for the show to completely turn things around. That said, I didn’t enjoy Episode 1 AT ALL. I didn’t completely hate it, but I was both bored and irritated from the very start, and, by the end of the episode, I had almost completely tuned out. I hated the final sequence, and the only real enemy of consequence that Boba Fett encounters in the whole thing is a creature that looked, again, like a monster out of Power Rangers conjured up by Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd. I was almost shocked at the end of the episode to not see Jason David Frank step out from behind a sand dune and shout “It’s Morphin’ Time” as a cliffhanger for Episode 2.

I am still looking forward to the next episode as I honestly and truly hope that The Book of Boba Fett will improve. (I might be a little heartbroken if it doesn’t.) There is absolutely no reason that a show about a badass bounty hunter crime lord who rules over the underworld of a major Star Wars hub of shadiness can’t be anything short of excellent. I am frankly surprised to have had to write such a review, as material like this should be really hard to mess up. Yet, mess it up, they did. A LOT. My final score for Episode 1 is 4/10.

SCORE: 4/10
“Boring and neutered, Boba Fett is not the badass he needs to be for this show to be enjoyable, but there is still plenty of time for that to change completely starting next episode. Here’s hoping.”

[REVIEW/SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS [Real Reviews by Real Weirdos]

[Original Post: Wednesday, December 22, 2021]

Hello, Everyone, and greetings from the only sane member of the “Eye of Zatara” crew, “The Watchman”!

The latest Matrix film, “The Matrix Resurrections”, dropped on HBO Max earlier today, so I sat down with our usual writer, “The Gatekeeper”, so we could share our thoughts and opinions on the new film with you. (Yes, for real. This is not satire.) Below you will find two very different reviews for the movie:

(1) My completely normal, genuine, honest, and thought-provoking review, spoiler free. I know. Real content on here. Strange, right?

(2) The Gatekeeper’s usual incoherent nonsense woven loosely together into a strange mind-rotting review that is as much insane as it is insightful. Read this one at your own risk. It’s much more in line with our usual content.

Make your choice below:


Click this red link, and I, The Watchman, will tell you the truth about “The Matrix Resurrections” without ridiculous over-the-top satire.

OR:

Click this blue link, and The Gatekeeper will ramble on about strange things that don’t really make sense to anyone but himself, but which could be considered funny maybe? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m just the editor here.

Red or blue?

Fantasy or truth?

Both options are available. Which will you choose?

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates –
THE CUBE EARTH THEORY

[Original Article: Sunday, October 31, 2021]

There are some things about the world around us that we tend not to question, things we believe in and cling to so whole-heartedly, we cannot even imagine them being any different– the color of the sky, for instance, or the taste of fresh apple pie.  But what if one of these fundamental truths about our world could be challenged, or even proven wrong?  What would we say to these facts?  Would we even accept them at all?

The earth is a marvelous place, a sphere with a circumference of over 40,000 kilometers.  But what if the earth isn’t a sphere at all?  What if the earth, that we all know and love, is actually a cube, a wayward dice cast into our humble little solar system by some great celestial being that got caught in the gravity of our friendly yellow Sun and began a small orbit around it millennia ago?  What if everything that our government have ever told us about the nature of the earth was propaganda meant to keep us from finding out we are living on borrowed time, travelers on the side of a cube in a massive galactic game of craps?  A game that someday soon will continue… rolling our earth and everything on it into some unknown part of the galaxy again as our macrocosmic benefactor struggles in vain to win their celestial equivalent of casino chips using us.  Would you accept that?

Those who gamble often, may acknowledge a fickle mistress known as “Lady Luck” when hoping cards or dice to turn in their favor.  Similarly, the spirit of wilderness on our own beloved “planet” is often referred by the maternal monicker, “Mother Nature”.  What if these two feminine figures of nature and chance are one and the same, the essence of the unique cube-shaped “world” we call our own?  Pablo Picasso, when developing as an artist, started with the style of “realism”, but grew to surpass it, turning to a new style that he himself would pioneer, a style known as “cubism” – as “cubism” is apparently the next step beyond our current concept of “realism”.

We see proof of this in more recent events, as well.  Why would NASA have to fake the moon landing, when the moon is so very close to our own dear sweet little planet, and should be easy for us to send a ship up, even with 1960’s technology, and land on?  Because NASA did not realize that the moon, like our Earth, is also a six-sided cube, and missed the moon with their Apollo 11 rocket, landing instead on the planet of Mars, and forcing them to send faked footage of Neil Armstrong’s landing to television viewers back home while overlaying this footage with the real audio of Apollo 11’s crew landing on what they thought was the moon… but was actually Mars.

Even in fictional media, we see dice at the center of some of our most prominent thoughts about space and time, with a golden dice hanging from the top of the Millennium Falcon’s cockpit in Star Wars, drawing added attention in more recent entries in the franchise, a dice that… unbeknownst to all but the most hardcore of Star Wars fans… says ‘This Is Earth’ in ancient Corellian across it.  How could this completely true and completely unfabricated fact be real if we do not, in fact, live on a planet that is known by some to be a cube?

Here is an experiment that you can try at home that clearly proves that the Earth is not round or flat, but is actually a cube.  Find a long, flat table in your house that is capable of supporting your weight and carefully climb on top of it after cleaning off everything else on the table that could otherwise invalidate your experiment.  Stand on the very center of the table and begin walking slowly to the table’s edge one step at a time, and then continue walking after you reach the end of the table.  You fall down and hurt yourself, right?  Well, have you ever fallen down and hurt yourself while walking in a straight line on a mostly flat part of the Earth?  No, you haven’t, right?  Then, the Earth can’t be flat.  Next, find something round like a bean bag chair laying around your house and set it down in the center of the table from before, repeating the experiment while starting, this time, on top of the bean bag chair and walking forward until you fall off the end of the table again.  OUCH!  The earth can’t be round then!  Finally, take a small step ladder and set it down in front of the end of the table to simulate the edge of a cubed planet’s surface and repeat the experiment one more time, but when you get to the edge of the table, walk down the step ladder instead of continuing forward off the edge of the now perpendicular corner of your experimental model of Earth.  See?  You didn’t get hurt this time, just like in real life!  The earth MUST, in fact, be a cube!

Now that you have this knowledge, the question for you then is what to do with it.  Many corrupt forces in our world such as the United States government, China, Bigfoot, Facebook, the international “Big Five” companies, Blockbuster Video, and my Great Aunt Gertrude will belittle, insult, or even threaten you if they hear you speaking the truth about our six-sided planet Earth.  They may even block you from Facebook or, worse, coerce all your friends into un-Friending you like they did all of mine!  (I know it was YOU behind that, Aunt Gertrude, and don’t expect me not to bring it up this Thanksgiving!!!)  Knowing that our world is not round (or even flat) like many around you will constantly assert may lead to nothing but trouble for you, maybe even causing you to second guess (or even abandon) your new beliefs so the hatred and mockery you experience will end.

However, I believe there is value in knowing the truth, value that goes beyond “popular” and “unpopular”, beyond “likes” and “dislikes”, beyond even “friends” and “enemies”.  The truth is the truth no matter how Facebook, Bigfoot, Blockbuster Video, and your extended family respond to it.  And, the truth is, the Earth IS a cube, believe it or not.  They may say there are two sides to every story, but there is only one side to truth… and that side says there are six sides… to the truth about Earth.  What will you choose to believe?

~The Historian

***

A wonderful article by The Historian!  Way better than that stupid one you wrote about wolves a few years back that was so unpopular it forced us to fire you for a while.  You might actually last on the payroll a whole year this time!  Here’s hoping, old friend!

~The Gatekeeper

***

You talk as if any of us actually get paid for this…

~The Watchman

***

😛

~The Gatekeeper

 

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates… ZOM-BEES

[Original Article: Saturday, October 23, 2021]

When I was a kid, I used to be deathly afraid of bees.  I wasn’t allergic to them or anything, but the threat of something so small, so unintrusive that could slip its way into my world and fill me with what seemed at the time to be unimaginable pain for simply happening upon it at an unfortunate moment… I think that’s what really frightened me as a kid.

Now, I respect bees for what they are – an essential part of our ecosystem that pollinates the plants that make our human habitats beautiful and healthy, something which is now disappearing from our world at an increasing rate.  I’m sure you’ve heard about the decreases in the honeybee population, but I’ve come to find out a little more about it than you’ll ever hear in your local media news hour.  CNN, Fox News… they don’t want to talk about it, either.  It’s true that bees are dying at an almost alarming rate in some parts of the country.  What you’re not being told is what killed them, and, even more terrifying, what happens to them after they die.  They don’t simply rot on the ground like they were squashed under a human shoe.  No, they come back with a vengeance against the cold mechanical world that so cruelly extinguished them… they come back as zom-bees.

The year is 2017.  Unsold DVD copies of the 2016 movie “Ghostbusters: Answer the Call” were just beginning to pile up in city garbage dumps after retail outlets gave up on trying to hawk them in their discount movie sections and finally let them be hauled away as refuse.  Workers at a dump in Seattle, Washington, noticed a peculiar phenomenon that occurred after Seattle’s constant rain poured down long enough on a 1 mile square radius section of unsold Ghostbusters DVD’s in a corner of the refuse yard.  All the insects in that part of the dump were laying dead around the DVD’s, apparently killed by some sort of toxic, unfunny chemicals that seeped from the unwanted movies after being eroded away long enough by Seattle’s acidic rain.  In that moment, a new pesticide was born.

Known to exterminators testing the chemical in the area as “The Just Won’t Be Silent Killer”, the chemical seemed to stimulate deep-seated mental and emotional pain receptors in any living being that came into contact with it, overwhelming them in a way that many insects, having never built up any immunity from previous exposures to Melissa McCarthy, had no tolerance for, causing them a rapid, horrifying death.  The chemical was a godsend, able to kill tough pests like bedbugs without fail, and was set to begin a much larger, countrywide test run before being officially approved for international use when the first bees began to come into contact with the substance… and it changed them.

At first, the bees simply died like all other insects (and some humans) when exposed to concentrated, liquified Melissa McCarthy humor.  But, then, everything turned quickly for the worst.  Perhaps something deeply naïve and innocent in the gentle, flower-loving little creatures fought back against the sudden influx of darkness into their tiny insect souls, clinging desperately to life out of sheer rage of how their existence was being extinguished.  Perhaps other factors were involved.  All we know is from that moment on, the DVD-laced chemical was never used again, and all the bees that accidentally came into contact with it during its test run came back from their initial bout of death… as creatures that could no longer experience death.  Furious, comedy-loathing, human-hating, swords of inconsolable, unkillable, unstoppable stinging that attacked in swarms anything that moved… and then ate the brains of whatever they killed, apparently seeking fresh brain tissue to regenerate the parts of their minds forever scarred from their contact with liquid Ghostbusters 2016.

Roaming through the Pacific Northwest, these swarms of zom-bees now sting and infect their own kind, killing off the normal honeybee population and turning their sacrificed former kindred into more of their own stinging zombie legions.  A quick excuse about “murder hornets” from Asia helped to distract the population from the true threat for a time, but, now, many in our country are beginning to again awaken to the truth that swarms of stinging, slaughtering, human-hating, brain-eating zombie honeybees are wreaking havoc all along America’s west coast.  As they spread into California, wildfires were started to try to exterminate the bees and keep them from infiltrating the state, but to no avail.  Zom-bees are real, and they are winning the fight with humanity.  One painful sting at a time.

So, if you find yourself on the western side of our beautiful US of A, and you see a swarm of oddly grey-colored bees moving about from an oversized hive of pinkish, grayish goo that looks like human brain tissue… don’t worry!  You have nothing to fear.  Because it will all be over for you shortly.  The only thing you have to worry about now is what you will do to keep your mind off the pain in the 60 seconds of being stung all over at once you will experience when the zom-bees see you… and come for you in vengeance for being exposed to Ghostbusters 2016.

You have been warned!

***

Throughout the month of October, the “Eye of Zatara” is continuing to investigate the strange and paranormal in our community, bringing to light mysteries that could question and unravel everything we know about the world around us.  Keep in mind that this story is REAL, according to everything we were told about it by this one guy we met at Starbucks the other day who seemed really credible, although he wouldn’t give me his name.  Or maybe he did, and I just forgot it.  Was it… Frank, maybe?  He ordered a mocha white hot chocolate.  I do remember that.  How can you possibly question anything being told to you by a man with such a fine taste in drinks?  Well?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

If you have any reports of zom-bees sightings in your area to pass along, or other paranormal encounters you’d like us to investigate, please reach out to the “Eye of Zatara” today through our Comments section or through my P.O. box, and by P.O. box, I mean unfinished bird house sitting on a bench in my backyard waiting for me to do something with it.  That I’ve taped a sticky note to that says “P.O. Box”.  Trust me, it’s very secure.  So, reach out to the “Eye of Zatara” today!

😊

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates – PUMPKINFOOT

[Original Article: Monday, October 18, 2021]

As I came to the edge of the mostly unheard-of little town of Lyre, Louisiana, I looked for the signs I had been given by locals to find a creature that was said to reside there.  A curious soul by nature, I have spent many a weekend traveling throughout central Louisiana – investigating haunted houses, searching for cryptozoological creatures, and taking guided tours at the very site of the most infamous crimes of the century.  But now I was on the trail of something more elusive, a local legend of a creature said by many to resemble the stories of “Bigfoot” found throughout North America, but a creature that can only be found in the cool months of autumn when orange and brown are everywhere, and when Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving celebrations spread like a plague of strange contentment throughout the families of the land.  I was searching for the strange and oddly scented creature known only to a few local fishermen as… “Pumpkinfoot”.

As I approached Ficton Pond, a mossy little fishing hole that served as one of the few “landmarks” of note in the mostly swamp and wilderness of Lyre, I saw unusual footprints in the mud along the pond’s north-facing edge – large footprints, resembling those of a man, but much bigger, and with a strange scent clinging to them that I recognized immediately as a steady purveyor of Starbucks lattes in the fall  – it was the scent of pumpkin spice.  Suddenly, I heard a sound.  An inhuman growling like that of a wounded beast which shook me to my very core, for I could hear in that bestial roar, an almost human undertone to the screaming that told me I was on the verge of meeting something terrifying.  Running from the pond out of instinct, I tripped over a limb from a fallen log in the underbrush, only to look behind and see the silhouette of the very creature I had foolishly come to this little town to uncover.  It seems that instead of me finding and investigating it, Pumpkinfoot had, instead, come to see and investigate ME.

Tall and imposing, with a large ragged red beard like that of a man, the creature towered over me in the waning afternoon light, his visible teeth gnarled and yellow, his fingernails long and dirty, and a faded Metallic shirt and torn up old blue jeans, obviously “borrowed” from humans he had killed, covering up his otherwise mostly hair-laden body.  He walked barefoot through the brush towards me, his cold amber eyes staring down imposingly into my own baby blues, as he opened his mouth to speak or consume me, I wasn’t sure which, but I feared the worst, and searching inside myself for any hint of ingenuity and courage with which to get out of this terrible situation, and finding none, I turned to prayer to find comfort in my final moments.

“This is private property, Man.  You can’t just be coming in here on my land and poking about.  It’s not a public fishing spot.”

I opened my closed eyes in shock.  The creature speaks!  And not just in a vague, incomprehensible mix of human and beast, but clear, concise, albeit a little informal, human English!  I was too startled, at first, to even respond.

“Look, you got $20?  You give me $20, and I’ll let you fish here all you want today.  Just come to the front door of my house next time, and ask.  I was trying to carry my team in another lousy match of Overwatch when I saw you poking about from my window.” the beast pointed to a rudimentary, almost abandoned looking, dwelling on the other side of the pond, a clouded window facing exactly in my direction.  “I REALLY don’t have the patience for trespassers today.”

I reached for my wallet.  I couldn’t remember… had I brought any cash with me today?  Would this strange creature let me live even if I did?  Does he possibly have CashApp?

“You don’t have any money, huh?” the man-creature roared, taking a sip of something, most likely fresh human blood, kept warm in an old cracked tumbler in his hand.  “Hmmm… well, those are some pretty nice shoes you got there.”  The creature smiled a hearty, gnarl-toothed smile, the scent of pumpkin spice and coffee wafting out from his otherwise foul breath as his mighty lungs exhaled.

“S…Sure.” I said, taking off my tennis shoes without realizing what I was doing and handing them to the creature, who immediately grabbed them and put them in place on his large, mud-stained old feet.

“How nice.  A perfect fit.” The man-creature smiled again, an oddly satisfied look in its cold amber eyes.  He took another drink from his chalice of warm human blood.  “Alright, you’re free to fish.  Just don’t try to connect to my Wifi…”

“W…Wifi?” I asked sheepishly, crawling slowly through the mud away from the creature in the general direction of my silver Ford pick-up truck just outside the small woodland clearing.

“Yes, my Wifi.  It’s not secured.  And I need it to play Overwatch.” the creature smiled sweetly, a bestial glint flashing briefly in his eyes as he tracked my cowardly movements in the opposite direction of him.  “The last guy who connected to my Wifi while fishing here and made me lose a game because of lag… well… HE’S what I’ve been mixing in with my pumpkin spice coffee each morning the last couple of weeks.  SEE FOR YOURSELF!”

The creature laughed, throwing coffee from his old tumbler in my face which was, indeed, mixed with some kind of thick reddish liquid and also what appeared to be small bits of human flesh and bones!  Screaming, I ran off with my hands over my face, despite the coffee being lukewarm at best, frantically racing to my nearby truck and driving hastily away from the area as quickly as I could.  The man-creature just stood there, watching me without breaking his gaze, not even seeming to move a muscle throughout the entire length of time that I fled from his vicinity.

“You can come out now, Ma.  The intruder’s gone.” the man-creature whispered, drinking down what remained of his mostly lost cup of coffee before spitting out a finger bone that got caught in his mouth.  In response to these words, a nine foot tall naked bestial creature whose features were concealed entirely in several layers of a very thick coating of dark black fur like a bear’s stepped out of the shadows behind a nearby cluster of trees near the man-creature’s house, walking barefoot over to her smiling son and hugging him sheepishly in thanks for warding me off.  The hairy thing growled contentedly before letting off a strange aroma of pumpkin-like musk from somewhere in a gland along its back that quickly filled the whole clearing around old Ficton Pond with the scent of autumn spice.  “I know, I know.  You get scared when humans come around here looking for you.  I understand.  Don’t worry, the old Koolaid and fake skin and bones trick worked like a charm again this time.”

The man-creature smiled.

“And, not only that, I even got some nice new shoes out of it.”

Upon seeing the second creature out of the corner of my eye while flooring it out of the little town containing Ficton Pond, I never again resumed my hunt for the legendary creature known to its locals as “Pumpkinfoot”, or even returned again within 50 miles of the frightful little bump on the road remembered forever in my nightmares as Lyre, Louisiana.

 

***

 

While difficult to believe, the “Eye of Zatara” stands behind this story, following countless long hours of not investigating it and interviewing unrelated passersby.  All throughout the month of October, we will continue to investigate the strange and paranormal.  Stay tuned here for the latest supernatural news, fact-checked by honest, reliable writers and journalists who always, for your benefit, take every possible step to watch YouTube instead of investigating anything.  Have you, too, seen a creature resembling “Pumpkinfoot” in the wilds of Louisiana?  If so, contact the “Eye of Zatara” today, and you just might be the subject of our next 100% true, completely unexaggerated, right as rain, Snopes-verified (for whatever that’s worth) news story in… “The Eye of Zatara Investigates”!

~The Gatekeeper

 

This story is ridiculous.  I’m going to get a latte.

 

~The Watchman

 

😛

~The Gatekeeper