[SATIRE] Avengers: Age of Voltron [A Belated Review]

(Original Post: November 29, 2016)

While our usual contributor, “The Gatekeeper”, takes a much needed birthday vacation this week, I received an unusual email at our general “Eye of Zatara” business address from a friend of his named Donovan Savage who writes for the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine based out of Luxingfort, KY.  Apparently, he bought a DVD over the weekend, and reviewed a movie he insists upon calling “Avengers: Age of Voltron” which no one at his magazine will publish – most likely since the movie came out in May of 2015.  On the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper via instant messenger, however, I have decided to post his review here on “The Eye of Zatara” for your perusal.  Be forewarned, though, this Donovan Savage review doesn’t make much more sense than the usual dissociative mutterings of our dear Gatekeeper…

“Avengers: Age of Voltron”
[A Belated Review]
By: Donovan Savage, Contributing Writer and Editor for the “American Sesquipedalian” Magazine, and Luxingfort, KY Resident

Last Friday, I was lounging in my luxurious, pleather Slothboy recliner in my exquisite studio apartment when I decided to slum it with the less privileged by enjoying a DVD lent to me by a less fortunate colleague in the writing business, another one of those incessant Marvel movies that goes by the name of “Avengers: Age of Voltron”.  After refilling my wine glass with a chilled gentlemanly mixture of 2% cow’s milk and genuine Hershey’s chocolate syrup ordered directly from the Hershey plant in Pennsylvania, I sat back as the familiar, rectangular red and white logo of the pretentious Marvel comic book company scrolled across my massive 30″ flatscreen television and the almighty “Avengers” immediately swung into action fighting some sort of Germans who had appeared to have stolen Queen Elizabeth’s glowing blue crystal scepter or something like that.  I’m not sure, I don’t really understand the politics of this Marvel universe.  I think one of the antagonists’ names was “Libra” or “Zebra” or something.  “Hydra” maybe.  No, that can’t be right.  Greek mythology is far beyond the cognitive awareness of those nerdy comic book types at Marvel.  We’ll just stick with “Zebra” for now.  That seems to be a little more on their level.

Anyway, and Spoiler Alert for anyone who hasn’t seen this movie yet, it turns out the Germans had kidnapped some Russian kids and made them into copies of characters from the Marvel “X-Man” universe using the Queen’s royal powers.  Fortunately, Ironing Man, Brigadier General America, Black Willow, the Hunk, Eagle Eye, and Ben-Hur (?), or, referring to them by their real names, Lance, Keith, Princess Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Sven, overpower the Germans and hold off the Russians, preventing a repeat of World War II, but, rather than returning Queen Elizabeth’s scepter to her, use it to make a giant fighting robot composed of five smaller lion-shaped robots given life by some sort of glowing MacGuffin Stone in the heart of the Queen’s staff.  Without the teamwork and cooperation of five pilots controlling the fighting robot from the inside, however, it goes berserk, and teams up with the Russians to randomly attack things.

Furious at Lance/Ironing Man for making such a decision without consulting his team leader Keith, the Avengers begin to fight and argue amongst themselves, which proves all the more disastrous after Voltron hijacks the planet Arus and plans to drop it, castle and all, directly on the earth, perhaps directed to do so by King Zarkon whom we see briefly after the credits putting on some sort of weird Fallout 4 Power Fist.  Fortunately, the Avengers recover the original MacGuffin Stone from within Queen Elizabeth’s scepter, and use it to create a new Voltron with which to battle the now evil Voltron fighting on behalf of Planet Doom.  Eliciting the help of the same Russians who previously had attempted to kill them, as well as back-up support from the Highwind from Final Fantasy VII piloted by a slimmer interpretation of Barrett Wallace portrayed by Mace Windu from Star Wars, this new seven man Voltron, “Vision Voltron”, I believe they called it, allows the Avengers to defeat the now outdated five man Voltron created by Lance/Ironing Man earlier, saving the day, although a Russian randomly gets killed for some reason at the end.  They then use Voltron’s Lion Torches to incinerate the entire planet Arus before it hits Earth, which seems like overkill, but the Highwind evacuated everyone first, with the aid of some Golden Chocobos, I believe, so to each his own.

Overall, the movie was quite interesting, with a lot of well-executed action scenes, and a variety of unique combat powers for each member of the “Avengers”/Voltron Force that were satisfying to behold, from Ironing Man’s Haggarium Armor and assorted Fallout energy weapons to Eagle Eye’s cosplay replica of the Green Arrow’s bow to Brigadier General America’s… well, ok, so Brigadier General America’s flag-painted hubcap/frisbee golf disc wasn’t all that interesting, but most of the rest of the characters in “Age of Voltron” had extremely unique and complicated abilities that made action scenes feel kinetic and inventive, even while fighting an endless army of Baby Evil Voltrons controlled by the original Voltron… perhaps they were meant to be Robeasts???

I was excited by the new take on the Voltron Force material.  It has been some time since I saw something new and interesting come out of the Beast King GoLion franchise’s American counterparts, perhaps excluding the new Voltron series on Netflix, as I do not watch “streaming” television shows and movies like an uncivilized ape.  Netflix is the “buffet” of the entertainment world.  True gentlemen watch television live in HD, or not at all, and movies in theaters, and at home only in occasion to remind themselves of their aristocracy, as I am doing here, while redeeming myself from my sin through brilliant intellectual criticism.  I fear others of my standing in the community will look down on me for watching a DVD even for this reason, however, such is my status in the heirarchy of Luxingfort, KY.

To conclude, if I had to rate on a commoner’s scale of 1 to 10, and, oh, how I hate such a scale, the quality of the Avengers: Age of Voltron movie, I would like to give it a strong 8.5, perhaps a 9, I am a little annoyed at the moment after spilling some of my chocolate milk on the carpet while typing up this review.  Chocolate syrup straight from Hershey, PA isn’t cheap, you know, and neither is carpet cleaning, as I can’t be bothered to attempt the job myself.  I am disappointed that, once again, Marvel has been excluding my beloved Yoohoo beverages from their screenplays, but such has been the case ever since I watched “Captain America: Yoohoo Civil War” I am sure, and such will continue to be the case long into the future with that ridiculous “Sam Lee” at the head of Marvel.  The man must be drunk on his success by now, and I feel I will have to keep harping on my point about Yoohoos until Mr. Lee is dragged out of the luxurious party of his fortune to address them.  Even still, he has made a great movie here today in the form of “Avengers: Age of Voltron” and I recommend everyone of you who is not as privileged as myself to purchase a copy of its DVD form from your local distributor of such trivial baubles, and enjoy watching it on your black-and-white television box or whatever it is common people use to watch films on at home these days.  Is Blockbuster still a thing?  No?  No matter, I’m sure you shabby folk can figure it out if you’re motivated enough.  Until next time, this is Donovan Savage from the “American Sesquipedalian” magazine reminding you that “Milk is for boys.  Chocolate milk is for men.”  Farewell, my broad and adoring audience of odd psuedointellectual miscreants.

Head Editor Notes: Donovan Savage is a beloved, albeit personally insulting editor and contributing writer for the “American Sesquipedalian” since its first issue launched in 2007. His recent articles include “Taking the Stairs – The Worst Part of Fire Drills” and “Why Won’t Kelsey Grammar Return My Emails? – A Personal Anecdote”.  Yes, we know he’s crazy.  Please don’t send him angry letters.  It just encourages him.

[SATIRE] Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media

(Original Post: November 24, 2016)

After the election of deceased 20th century politician Thomas E. Dewey (reported two weeks ago here on the “Eye of Zatara”) was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in a 7 to 1 decision last week, new President-Elect Donald J. Trump has begun the difficult work of creating a Presidential Cabinet to ease his transition into the role of U.S. President next January.  After bearing continuous criticism by the media since long before his confirmation as President Elect earlier this month, along with a bombardment of attacks by Hillary Clinton voters on social media calling him everything up to and including a Nazi, apparently unaware of the irony of their own use of hate speech in this manner, Donald Trump has apparently given in to frustration and pressure, and named an actual cabinet he found at Ikea to the position of “Secretary of the Interior”, a decision which has met with immediate backlash from multiple media sources, calling the cabinet a “neocon”, “Teabagger”, and “right wing extremist”.

The cabinet in question – a tall, two-doored black fiberboard and particleboard number, on sale this Black Friday for 50% off which Donald Trump declared as an “immediate savings for the American people”, was chosen for its sturdy frame and stylish features, on recommendation of an Ikea employee named Larry that Trump stumbled into while trying to find the restroom in the vast, small town of a department store.  While the cabinet has yet to clarify many of its political positions or plans for the office of the Interior, many commenters on the Fox News Network have celebrated the cabinet as “the most honest politician they have ever met” after meeting both Trump and the cabinet for drinks as is customary for all Newscorp employees immediately after the nightly completion of their primetime programming block on the Fox News channel.

Rachel Maddow on the MSNBC Network, however, very harshly criticized Trump’s choice of the cabinet, saying last night on her show that no one watches or remembers the name of that “The rigidity of the cabinet is typical of those who surround Donald Trump.  They are unmoving extremists, unwilling to bend to the left on any issue to make deals across the aisle.  To the contrary, they stand obstructively in place like a piece of furniture, completely blocking the aisle, funded by Big Retail and born from the destruction of precious trees that produce the oxygen we all need to breathe.  This cabinet is everything we have come to fear from a Donald Trump Presidency, and should be filibustered without a second th-… what’s that word?  I can’t read the teleprompter.  Yes, I’m talking to you, Bill.  Move it down a page, darn it!  There we go… and should be filibustered without a second thought.  There, Bill, was it really that hard to stop flirting with the camera girl and do your freaking job for a minute there?”

Despite the criticism, the Trump Transition Team has not backed down from their decision, however.  To the contrary, they have pushed forward with another wave of similarly controversial Presidential Cabinet picks, with rumors now circulating that the territory of Puerto Rico is now in top consideration for the post of Secretary of State once thought likely to be offered to former vocal Donald Trump critic, Mitt Romney.  When Michael Hamden of CBC News, aware of the literal decision Trump was attempting to make in appointing a state to the Secretary of State position pointed out to Donald Trump at a press conference this morning that Puerto Rico is not technically a state, the President-Elect simply responded “Your mother’s not a state.” and then reflexively added to Mr. Hamden “You’re fired.”

Other rumored Trump selections at this point include Energizer batteries’ drum-wielding pink bunny mascot for the “Secretary of Energy” post, a local San Antonio area farmer familiar with fence posts and plywood for the position of “Secretary of Da’ Fence”, and actor Keifer Sutherland for the post of “Secretary of Homeland Security” based on his “proven ability to get the job done within a single 24 hour time frame”.  Inside sources have added that Trump plans to save money for the American taxpayers by then dissolving the Secretary of Homeland Security post after 24 hours until “next season” when Keifer Sutherland will immediately be rehired for the position, a move Mr. Trump believes will make Keifer Sutherland a “designated survivor” among his picks, a brilliant choice guaranteed to endure all Congressional backlash from the Democratic party in contrast to his other choices.  Contrary to Mr. Trump’s hopes, however, all these rumors, including those about Mr. Sutherland, have only met with further criticism from most of the press and those strongly opposed to the President-Elect on social media.

“The Cabinet picks of President-Elect Trump clearly prove how out of touch he is with the American electorate,” the cast of “Hamilton” ended the second act of their Broadway show by announcing to their audience, after calling out a man in the front row for his poor fashion choices and a woman near the back of the packed theater venue for an ugly tattoo visible on her shoulder thanks to a sleeveless top she chose to wear to their show, “If Trump wants to be the President for ALL of diverse America, he’s going to have to make picks that specifically appeal to us and our political agenda, and to heck with his own thoughts and voters.  Otherwise, he’s a racist, and we’re going to criticize him like all-knowing moral authorities in the middle of each of our shows until he listens to us.  Excuse me, Sir, in the third row with the weird grandpa glasses on, we’re trying to lecture you on politics here.  Could you please be so kind as to stop chatting to the guy next to you and listen?”

“Look, it comes down to this – I’m going to choose the people in my cabinet that I think will best enable me to win at being President of the United States of America” President-Elect Trump stated in a quick coffee shop interview with a CNN reporter several hours ago, while trying to figure out how to claim his latte from a barista clearly refusing to read the name “Trump” written on the President-Elect’s cup a couple feet away, “If that means making a quality piece of furniture from a reputable business my Secretary of the Interior, then that’s what I’m going to do.  You should wait to see what I do with my Czars.  I went all out and got Putin’s advice on a couple of those.”

“Oh?” the reporter inquired, growing both curious and nauseous at the same time, a Starbucks manager just behind him dialing the cops to report Trump’s ordering of a cup of coffee under his own name while the President-Elect’s barista continued to shakily hold the Voldemort-monickered cup of joe in his increasingly traumatized young hand, his innocent lips unable to reveal the horrifyingly evil identity of its purchaser.

“Think ‘Nuclear Wessels’.” Trump winked, while drawing a Star Trek logo in the air with his fingers.  “Oh, it’s gonna be great.  You’ll see.  You’ll all see…”

As of the release of this article, neither Walter Koenig or Anton Yelchin would confirm to “Eye of Zatara” sources whether or not the Trump Transition Team had reached out to them about a “Czar” position in his upcoming administration.  Unconfirmed reports do, however, identify “Star Trek: Discovery” Executive Producer Bryan Fuller as Trump’s first choice for Presidential speech writer, but claim he declined the position after a jockish high schooler called him a “regressive Republican hack” shortly after meeting with Trump to discuss the possible position, an act which caused the Executive Producer to barricade himself crying in his condo again.

[SATIRE] 2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP!

(Original Post: November 9, 2016)

In a stunning reversal of all expected results of the 2016 U.S. Presidential race, it seems write-in candidate and former New York Governor Thomas E. Dewey, a Republican Governor famous for his two failed Presidential bids against Democrat Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the 1940s, has secured the 270 electoral college votes required to clench the office of United States President from both Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton AND Republican candidate Donald J. Trump, according to sources other than just the Chicago Daily Tribune this time.

Dewey, who died from a heart attack in 1971, was originally introduced as a possible write-in candidate for this year’s election by several popular social media outlets and blogs as a joke, but rapidly became a legitimate Presidential choice for 2016, appearing on the ballot in 48 of 50 states plus the District of Columbia, after gaining widespread grassroots support in the face of two extremely unpopular candidates elected in the primaries by both major American political parties.

“We initially rejected Thomas Dewey as a possible choice for the U.S. Presidential race when his supporters first began to approach us,” one unnamed Board of Elections official for the state of New Jersey reported off the record to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden earlier this week, “but the requests to add him to the ballot just kept coming in.  People loved his hard stance on organized crime, and success in prosecuting infamous mobster ‘Lucky Luciano’ as District Attorney of New York County.  They said to themselves ‘This is the kind of man who should be President of the United States.’  After a while, we just couldn’t take all the phone calls and hand-written letters, so we added him to the ballot.  We didn’t actually expect him to win.”

Each earning an even split of 109 electoral votes a piece, Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton individually conceded to Dewey shortly after confirmation that he had reached a projected total of 276 electoral votes shortly after 3 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.

“We were shocked.” one unnamed Clinton staffer reported to blog NewsNow shortly after Hillary Clinton’s short concession speech.  “We would have understood losing to Trump, as he is at least as alive and breathing as Ms. Clinton, but losing to a deceased Republican Presidential candidate from the 20th Century?  You really can’t guess these kinds of things in politics ahead of time.”

“Wait, there was an election last night?” current Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, added, after wandering into Clinton Campaign Headquarters by accident while attempting to find a McDonalds serving all night breakfast in the area.  “Who won?  Let me guess, Barack, right?  Wait, am I Vice President again?”

While Hillary Clinton is reported by close personal friends to have taken the news relatively well, only ordering the execution of less than half of her most trusted campaign advisors after reluctantly admitting defeat to Thomas Dewey, multiple media outlets are reporting Donald Trump may not be faring as well, psychologically, with the unexpected defeat.

“He hasn’t stopped eating taco bowls since the concession speech.” Joey Hargrave, producer for Trump’s now cancelled new documentary series “Winning At Everything – The King/President Donald J. Trump Story”, expected to air back-to-back on Fox News for the first 72 hours after the final election results came in, reported to a drooling husk slightly resembling Chris Matthews from MSNBC around 6 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.  “He just says keeps repeating ‘The votes haven’t all been counted yet.  I’ve got to eat more taco bowls.’ over and over again.  I think he’s thrown up at least six or seven times, but he just keeps eating…”

“He’s also barricaded several of the doors in his study with pillows,” Joey Hargrave admitted to the Chris Matthews-esque zombie a few minutes later, while MSNBC’s ratings of the live coverage rapidly fluctuated between one and two television viewers.  “He texted me a picture saying ‘I told you I would build a wall.  Let’s see them cross the border into my office now!’  I really don’t think the man is well…”

While many news outlets are focusing on the reaction of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to Thomas Dewey’s election as America’s first Necromantic-American President, fewer outlets investigated the effect such a startling turn of fortune is having on other “dark horse” candidates such as Independent candiate Evan McMullin or Libertarian Party choice for President, Gary Johnson.  In fact, as of the time of this article’s publication, no attempt had been made by any news outlet, including our own, to gauge Mr. McMullin or Mr. Johnson’s reactions to Thomas Dewey’s victory, nor those of Green Party Candidate, Jill… Somebody.  This will likely continue to be the case.

Rumors that, due to an accidental deletion of the email sent to advise her of this by Democratic Party officials, defeated candidate Hillary Clinton is actually yet unaware of her loss to Thomas Dewey, and simply executed a portion of her campaign staff for sheer entertainment value, are, as of yet, unsubstantiated.  Rumors that crazed Dewey supporters are frantically trying to hook up a Tesla Auto-Pilot device to the corpse of Thomas Dewey in order to animate him in time for his Presidential inauguration are, also, unconfirmed at this time, but line up with other surfacing reports involving failed attempts to revive him using a red-colored feather dubbed a “Phoenix Down” and a lightning-powered contraption constructed by a technologically-gifted ardent fan of Mary Shelley.

In a bizarre violation of precedent, Dewey himself remains silent on his victory, and has offered no acceptance victory even after winning the 270+ electoral college votes needed to earn the title Leader of the Free World.  Presumed Vice Presidential electee Earl Warren has remained similarly quiet, despite being named as a possible replacement for Antonin Scalia in the U.S. Supreme Court, assuming Scalia cannot reclaim the seat himself after being equipped with a Tesla Auto-Pilot.

 

[SATIRE] Blog Editor Claims Misinformation Due to Temporal Manipulation by Speedster

(Original Post: October 11, 2016)

The series premieres of the CW’s line-up of DC Comics-based shows has brought joy to many, but anger to others, as spoilers from DC-TV-Spoilers.Com about the main antagonists for Season 3 of The Flash and Season 5 of Arrow have been quickly revealed as untrue, leading many followers of that website to abandon the site, and others redirected to it by other news blogs, including the Eye of Zatara, to also question those referencing and linking to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s information.  The editor of that website holds firm to his sources, however, and is claiming that the creation of an alternate timeline is responsible for his supposed misinformation.

“I’m not really sure what happened, but the information I was given was completely accurate at the time I posted it to my blog.  I wouldn’t have typed it up otherwise.” the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, known only to the Internet community as “Kal-AOL”, explains in a special statement at the top of his news blog.  “Clearly, some sort of Speedster has altered the timeline, and created a new reality in which Usain Bolt is not the primary antagonist for Season 3 of The Flash, and director Zach Synder is not the Green Arrow’s adversary in Season 5 of Arrow.  I’m honestly not sure how this is even possible, but it is the only explanation I can offer.”

Despite the clear impossibility of what Kal-AOL is saying, other bloggers have jumped to his defense, pointing out other inconsistencies with our current interpretation of reality that seems to align with the theory that we are living in an alternate version of the present created by Speedster intervention in the past.

“Has anyone questioning Kal-AOL’s theory even seen Season 4 of Arrow?” fellow Arrow/Flash universe blogger, “Marvin Manhunter”, wrote in an article today on his news blog, “DC Comix Rox”.  “If temporal manipulation was not involved in the making of our current reality, how could a fifth season of Arrow even be made as bad as Season 4 was?  Did you see the choreography?  Black Canary’s primary tactic in battle was to run in a straight line at anyone shooting an automatic weapon at her, and, somehow, not die five minutes into the first episode.  Don’t get me started on the ‘shoot first’ enemies only failing to go for the kill whenever a main character is surrounded, at which point, they suddenly hold back their fire.  Or the enemies basically standing still any time a weaponless main character confronted them, offering absolutely no resistance to someone very slowly and awkwardly punching them, even when that character was outnumbered.  I hope whatever Speedster selfishly ruined the original choreography for Season 4 gets eaten by a time wraith for it.  I really do.”

“And what’s with Hulu not getting CW stuff anymore?” blogger “Flash Ketchum from Earth 2 Pallet Town” wrote on his news blog, “All’s Wells That Ends Thon”, “I definitely remember Hulu getting CW stuff in the original timeline.  This is some parallel universe, multiversal tachyon bullcrap right here, that’s what this is.”

On non-DC-related news blogs, the current U.S. President race between Republican Party candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton has also been cited as compelling evidence of possible temporal tampering.

“The real question you should be asking,” Kal-AOL continued in the original statement on this subject posted late last week to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, “is that if we are really living in an alternate timeline, what can we do to return things back to the way they are supposed to be?”

After several minutes of discussion on his own personal theories on time travel, mostly a mix of Back to the Future and Hot Tub Time Machine, Kal-AOL finally gave the best answer he could to the problem of how to resolve the possible temporal conflict believed to be directly affecting all of reality around us.

“Honestly, I have no idea.” Kal-AOL shrugged, using stage directions to note his shrug in the otherwise article-formatted prose of his most recent blog post.  “And, even if we did fix the timeline, the unfathomable awesome that is Luke Cage might turn out the worse for it.  Whatever your stance on fixing Arrow Season 4, I think you’ll agree with me that’s a risk our world just can’t afford to take.  Forget Donald and Hillary… Luke Cage 2016!”

Since the original posting of this article to the Eye of Zatara, a “Luke Cage” section has been added to Kal-AOL’s blog, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, much to the protest of his primary DC-based readership – at least, until they watched their first episode of the Netflix Original Series and immediately celebrated along with the rest of us.  Rumors have also begun to circulate that Libertarian Party candidate for U.S. President, Gary Johnson, has replaced his current running mate with the actor from Luke Cage in an attempt to bolster his chances in the election.  It is now estimated he will receive a 0.02% share of the popular vote, up 400% from previous vote estimates of 0.005% before including Luke Cage in his platform.

[SATIRE] “Star Trek: Discovery” Delayed Until May After Executive Producer Insulted by High Schooler

(Original Post: September 15, 2016)

CBS announced today the delay of their upcoming Star Trek prequel series, “Star Trek: Discovery”, after Executive Producer Bryan Fuller suddenly disappeared during a shoot last week at Pinewood Toronto Studios, pushing the series’ release date from January 2017 to sometime in May.  While CBS has officially declined to comment on the reason for the delay, multiple sources closest to the project have disclosed the details behind Mr. Fuller’s disappearance, and their speculation on the future of the new Star Trek series.

“It was the darndest thing,” Creative Producer Nicholas Meyer explained to popular Star Trek blog “The Wrath of .Com” shortly after CBS’s announcement.  “There we were, filming the third episode for the season, and some overgrown high school kid in a tanktop and jeans wandered into the set, took one look at the Andorian-dressed actors conversing with Bryan at the time, and shouted repeatedly, at the top of his lungs, ‘HOLY CRAP, WHAT A NERD!!!”

“He broke down crying right then and there in the middle of the set.” Rod Roddenberry sighed, speaking to a reporter dressed like a male Seven of Nine while shaking his head.  “He started muttering something about Joxton High School, and then just ran out of the room.  Frankly, we haven’t seen him since.  His family assures us he’s ok, but every time we go by his condo to check on him, all we hear is sobbing through the door, and he refuses to let us in.”

PR agents for Mr. Fuller, however, have denied that the delays in the release of “Star Trek: Discovery” have anything to do with their client, and most certainly are not the result of the 47 year old man being called a “nerd” by a roughly 17 year old bully.  Neighbors of Mr. Fuller, however, interviewed by sources close to “The Eye of Zatara” have exposed startling new details which seem to confirm the accounts reported to Star Trek fan sites by Nicholas Meyer and Rod Roddenberry.

“When we first bought this condo, we almost never saw Mr. Fuller.  It was a kind of running joke between me and my wife that he didn’t really exist,” popular local television anchor Samir Hakari reported to our totally legitimate sources earlier this morning.  “Then, about a week ago, we suddenly heard the door of his condo slam, and then a lot of crying through the walls.  We have excellent insulation here.  I’ve never heard any of my neighbors through the walls before today.  Now… my wife has actually rented a hotel room the last several nights because she hasn’t been able to stay the night in our room and get any sleep.  I… I don’t blame her.”

“I heard the crying, as well,” another neighbor, Natasha Smith-Noranski, also confirmed to super reliable sources connected to “The Eye of Zatara”.  “But that wasn’t actually the strangest thing.  Every day for the last week since Bryan locked himself in his condo, some sort of strange, pimply jock type kid has slipped past the doorman for our condo building when he wasn’t looking, gone up to the second floor, and slid a note underneath Bryan’s door before slipping out the back staircase, and, then, a few minutes later, the crying suddenly gets louder from within the condo.  Bryan’s always been a very kind and conscientious neighbor.  I really hate to see this kind of thing happen to him… even if he really is a big nerd.”

“tlhIngan Hol vIjatlhbe’.  ghu’vam mugh jIH internet lo’.” actor Michael Dorn added, after being spotted hanging around Mr. Fuller’s condo building dressed in full costume as his popular role of Lieutenant Worf from the “Star Trek: The Next Generation” and “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” series.  “I’m sorry.  I was speaking my native tongue there for a moment.  What I said in Klingon is ‘The actions of this 17 year old child are far from honorable.  Executive Producer Fuller must regain his honor in glorious combat by confronting this tog with the edge of a blood-stained bat’leth.'”

Michael Dorn then cleared his throat.

“Maybe then he can take a look at these script ideas I’ve put together for a new series starring Worf I’ve been hanging around his condo trying to show him for months… I mean, uh, only THEN will he be able to reclaim his family honor, and rest his soul in the glory of Sto-vo-kor with the honored dead should the family of the 17 year old human COWARD attempt retribution!”

When asked by “The Wrath of .Com” if Mr. Fuller’s sudden sensitivity to bullying could potentially cause any further delays in the release of Star Trek: Discovery, especially if his bully should, for example, locate his Facebook or Twitter accounts and continue his harassment onto those fronts, Nicholas Meyer could not give a definitive answer.

“All I can say is I very much hope not.  Bryan Fuller’s feelings may be hurt by being reminded of the harshness of his days in Joxton High School, but there are many, many Star Trek fans out there whose feelings would be hurt just as much or more should this project be cancelled or delayed any further.”

Nicholas Meyer smiled.

“And the needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few.”

[SATIRE] Arrow Season Five’s Antagonist Has “Failed Everyone”

Overwhelmed by the hits to their blog after posting insider information about Flash Season 3, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com reached out to another confidential source earlier this week and obtained similar information about the upcoming Season 5 of Arrow, information which was posted in its entirety to the blog’s main page late last night, creating an even greater shock and buzz among the show’s still growing fanbase than the Flash posting.

“Season Five will attempt to bring Green Arrow into a larger DC Universe than ever before,” an unnamed, eye-patched informant with the code name “Deep Stroke” reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.com in posted information.  “Seeking to unify the growing numbers of superheroes combating the rising tide of supervillains throughout the Flash/Arrow universe, Oliver Queen travels in the beginning of Season 5 to the cities of Gotham City and Metropolis to enlist the aid of two well-noted superheroes rumored to be operating out of those cities.  When he gets there, however, things are not as he expected.  Superman is dead, and Batman is in prison for branding and killing criminals instead of simply catching them and turning them over to the Gotham City Police as in the past.  That’s when Green Arrow encounters the evil mastermind behind it all, the one responsible for destroying two of the greatest superheroes in the entire DC Universe – Zach Snyder.”

Known in the Flash/Arrow universe as “The Director”, Zach Snyder is an enemy with the ability to completely re-write everything that the Arrow believes in and stands for, something no villain before him has been able to do.

“Merlyn made Oliver question his past, and forced him to face an enemy with his same set of abilities, only greater.  Mysel, I mean, Deathstroke made Oliver question his own ability to make a difference for good, while bringing the threats and danger of Lian Yu with him back to Starling City.” confidential informant Deep Stroke continued, speaking with the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com via Farcebook Messenger.  “Ra’s al Ghul forced Oliver to confront his own darkness, and the potential inevitability of falling prey to that darkness.  Damian Darhk tempted Oliver to return to the darkness, questioned the validity of his decision to remain in the light, and confronted the non-superpowered hero with magical powers the Green Arrow could barely understand much less equal with his mere physical prowess and arrows.”

“The Director” will apparently question Oliver Queen’s very identity itself, using a power called “Rewrite” to change everything about who the Green Arrow is in an instant, converting him from a hero of light back into the gritty darkness that clothed him in Season 1 and worse, an anti-hero willing to kill without second thought, even if the reason he was killing people made absolutely no sense.

“The Director” features other powers, as well, according to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s source, however, including the power to alter human perception, causing his opponents to engage in strange dream sequences that make them feel confused and disjointed when returning to normal reality, along with other strange perception-based gimmicks like causing opponents to feel they are moving in slow motion for “dramatic effect” to throw off their timing, and making opponents become overly emotional in response to certain hypnotically-planted keywords in their mind such as the name of their city, the name of their mother, etc..

In the end, Season Five will lead up to a massive battle between Team Arrow and “The Director”, beginning with Oliver Queen’s assertion that Zach Snyder “has failed EVERYONE.”

In addition to revealing this new information about Season Five, however, the spoiler from Deep Stroke to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com also shut down some rumors swirling around the Internet in regards to what some fans were expecting in the upcoming season of Arrow.

“I know there was a lot of talk that a multitude of other superheroes would make quick, unexpected, and frankly, unneeded, cameos in Season Five to establish the groundwork for a Flash/Arrow universe ‘Justice League’ as quickly as possible,” Deep Stroke explained, while staring at an old grainy photo of a young Japanese woman and softly crying to himself when he thought the editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com wasn’t looking.  “But, no, we’re not doing that.  That’s stupid.  Arrow is Arrow.  What does this look like?  A fan fiction?”

After revealing so much insider information about the upcoming seasons of both The Flash and Arrow, many dedicated fans of the DC-TV-Spoilers.Com blog asked if they would soon also be spoiling details about the upcoming season of closely linked new shows, “Supergirl” and “Legends of Tomorrow”, to which the editor of the Flash/Arrow universe blog responded, “What?  No.  What are those?  Are you just making crap up to confuse me?  Those things aren’t real.”

The editor of DC-TV-Spoilers.Com then banned the IP of the inquisitive site viewer for “trolling”.

Since the posting of this article, DC-TV-Spoilers has officially admitted to the existence of new DC universe television show “Supergirl”, but still continues to assert that “Legends of Tomorrow” is just the name of an old kids game show featuring a talking stone face named Olmec that asked the kids stupid questions.  Attempts to ask them the identity of their confidential, eye-patched informant “Deep Stroke” have also gone unanswered.

[SATIRE] Players Excited About Upcoming Pokémon Go Feature – “Fun”

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As anticipation swirls around the next upcoming patch to overnight success Pokémon Go, Niantic has officially confirmed the most exciting and innovating of the game’s rumored new features – as of the application’s next regularly scheduled update, Pokémon Go will now contain “Fun”.

“We know we had Fun in the original version, but it was just so buggy, we had to take it out for a while,” Head Programmer Larry Oak confirmed to several online gaming blogs Thursday.  “We’ve been tweaking the feature behind the scenes for quite a while now, though, and we believe we’ve finally worked out the kinks.  As of the next Pokémon Go update, Fun will be back in the game again.”

While some are extremely optimistic about the upcoming re-addition, others continue to say that Pokémon Go has already seen and moved past its heyday.

“That jerk Vinny down the street keeps beating all the Pokémon I put in our school’s gym, and sticking in freaking 3000 CP Dragonites.  3000 CP DRAGONITES!” school kid Bugsby Pinscyther reported to Pokemon-Go-LOL.com earlier this morning.  “Not everyone has rich parents that can let them buy Lucky Eggs from the App Store all the time.  YOU HEAR THAT, VINNY?  YOU MAY HAVE MONEY, BUT YOU’RE STILL A N00B IN MY BOOK!  A N00B!”

Bugsby later added, “I like shorts.  They are comfy and easy to wear.”

Whether or not the re-addition of Fun is everything Niantic is hoping to revitalize the Pokémon Go fanbase, most objective sources admit that directly responding to the needs of their players in this way is a good direction for the company.

“Many players have been directly complaining about the removal of Fun from Pokémon Go from almost the very beginning of the app’s life span.” Professor Blaine Firenflame observed on his own popular Pokémon gaming blog, ‘The Weekly Cinnabar Report’, “Re-adding Fun just as their fanbase begins to wane could be exactly what the game needs to lure in more players than ever before!  By my calculations, we may see Team Valor grow into the millions, Team Mystic grow into the billions, and Team Instinct get its first member since… since… since, well, sometime in the middle of August, putting them well on their way to having a triple digit team size!  Professor Willow may even have to get a new assistant to accommodate all the new players… anyone up for joining Team Volcano?  Eh?  Eh?  What, no takers…?”

While the exact date that the Fun feature will return to Pokémon Go has not been officially announced, it is sure to be a welcome milestone in the life of this widely popular enhanced reality game.  Unfortunately, this announcement has only given further encouragement to some disreputable users of the app.  Many less scrupulous Pokémon Go users across the Internet have already announced their intentions to gain access to the area of the Pokémon Go servers connected to the Fun feature, creating online maps for others players to use in order to locate the placement and timing of Fun on the virtual Pokémon Go map of the area around them, in direct violation of the game’s Terms of Service.

“Until they create a way for us to quickly and easily locate Fun in a way that works best for Team Rock, I mean, Team Mystic, we will continue to take use whatever resources we have available to display the location of Fun to any player willing and able to gain an edge over their friends and neighbors using our website.” a very short, slightly furry-looking man very closely resembling a Meowth explained on an anonymous Youtube video as a male and female henchman in concealing trenchcoats snickered behind him.  “That, and capture Pikachu.  Those are our goals as three tried and true players of Pokémon Go’s illustrious Team Rock…mystic.  Mystic.  Team Mystic.  Wait, what did I say?”

Since the posting of this article, Niantic has already banned the three odd players responsible for posting the YouTube video about Fun and Pikachus.  In addition, they have confirmed a $25 US price tag to activate the “Fun” feature once downloaded into Pokémon Go via its next update.  This purchase will activate Fun for 24 hours real time, before having to be repurchased at the in-game App Store with another $25 in Pokécoins.  Apparently, “Fun” comes at a price, but Niantic assures you that you will always be able to avoid spending real world money on Pokécoins using the extremely-lucrative accumulation of Pokécoins from placing your Pokémon into gyms.  In fact, as of the writing of this article, the author has himself accumulated almost 30 coins in this way, almost 1% of the cost of a Fun download!  Questions were emailed to Niantic by “The Eye of Zatara” on the possibility of future features to help with the non-monetary acquisition of Pokécoins, but were deleted without being opened.

[SATIRE] Flash Season 3 Antagonist Revealed – Usain Bolt!!!

(Original Post: September 3, 2016)

As comic book enthusiasts and casual fans of the series alike prepare themselves for the third season of the CW’s critically-acclaimed “The Flash” television series, anonymous leaks to Arrow/Flash fansite, DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, have left many fans of the Scarlet Speedster feeling the Jitters.

Just as the first two seasons of The Flash revolved around a single primary antagonist, so, too, will Season 3 revolve around a single ultimate adversary for Barry Allen to overcome, but this rival speedster – the only remaining character in the DC multiverse still capable of matching Barry Allen’s velocity – is none other than Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt.

“After watching him defeat Reverse Flash and Zoom, the writers of the show asked themselves – who the heck is there for Flash to fight now?” anonymous sources reported to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com.  “Well, we were going to read this big stack of old comic books DC dropped off for us to review, then there was this big Blackout.  While we were goofing off waiting for the Light to come back on, one of us brought up the Olympics, and that’s when it hit us – Usain Bolt!”

Appearing early in Season 3 under the moniker “Reverse Bolt”, Usain will appear in Flash canon as a former Olympian who, after falling into a contaminated green diving pool during a previous summer Olympic games, gained speed-based superpowers far beyond those of a normal human.  A Multiplex of other “medal-humans”, as they will be called, encountered by “The Flash” in this season will feature similar origins related to the viridian-hued waters of the strange diving pool.  Anonymous sources have already confirmed many single-episode Flash villains with names such as “Dur-Ant Man”, a basketball player with SuperSonic speed capable of shrinking using a non-Marvel-copyrighted shrink suit, “Mike Eel Freestyle”, an ace swimmer/amateur rap artist capable of generating an electric field while drinking under the influence, and “Venus De Vile-o”, a really evil Tennis player capable of creating exactly one almost identical clone of herself.

As filming went underway, some on the production team apparently questioned the direction that Season 3 was going, but their meltdown was silenced after an unnamed Everyman on the team uncovered some of the rejected ideas for antagonists thrown away by “The Flash” writers before accepting and pushing forward with the Usain Bolt idea.

“Speed Buggy.” another member of the film crew revealed to DC-TV-Spoilers.Com’s anonymous sources.  “They were going to call him Room-a-Zoom-Zoom Zoom.”

“I think Speed Racer was in the mix, too.” he later added.  “Pretty much everything everything animated or in a comic book with Speed in its name made it into the discussion at some point.  There was even a plan to make an entire episode about Speedos.  It was not a Golden day in the drawing room when they discussed that one.”

While it has been confirmed via multiple sources that Usain Bolt will not play himself in the upcoming Season Three of Flash, there are reports he will still appear in the show at some point.

“We’re thinking of making him the next Firestorm.  We’ve had everyone else be Firestorm.  Might as well throw him in there, too.”

While more than a few fans are objecting to the information revealed about “The Flash” Season Three by DC-TV-Spoilers.Com, they are not the only ones.  Kevin Durant, Michael Phelps, and Venus Williams have already filed preliminary lawsuits, as has the entire International Olympics Committee and nation of Brazil in the World Court.

“Really?  A contaminated GREEN diving pool in a Summer Olympic games physically affecting the bodies of those who swim in it?” Andre de Santos, Director of the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero, said to reporters early yesterday morning, while standing in front of an empty Olympics aquatics facility crisscrossed with yellow caution tape and signs reading “Caution” and “Biohazard” in Portuguese.

“Besides, a green liquid causing mutation is just crazy.” a large human-sized talking Turtle said from somewhere behind Mr. Santos while spinning a pair of Japanese nunchaku weapons.  “But enough about that.  Anybody know where I can order a Coast City pizza around here?  I could Rilla-Go for one right now.”

[SATIRE] Nintendo “Out of Ideas for New Pokémon”; New Games Will Feature Old Pokémon in New Colors

(Original Post: August 25, 2016)

In a surprising announcement from spokesman Hijiro Sadokawa at a handheld gaming symposium in Ikebukuro on Sunday, Nintendo has officially confirmed what many in the Pokémon community had already come to suspect.

“It has been over twenty years since the creation of our beloved Pokémon franchise by Satoshi Tajiri in 1995, and, frankly, we’re just out of ideas.” Hijiro confessed before a crowd of gamers gathered for their “Future of Pokémon” panel at the symposium.  “We’ve done cats, dogs, birds, ghosts, even an ice cream sundae Pokémon, and, frankly, our creative team just doesn’t have anything left.”

“This does not, however, mean the end of the Pokémon franchise.” Hijiro then went on to clarify, as several overweight older men in Pikachu T-shirts broke down crying in the middle of the crowd.  “Instead of featuring new Pokémon, all future Pokémon games, partially starting with Pokémon Sun and Moon, will feature fresh, revolutionary new variations of already existing Pokémon in awesome and exciting alternate color schemes!”

Looking to the left and right of his small stage to confirm the presence of symposium security on either side of him, Hijiro dodged a tomato chucked at his head by a female cosplayer dressed as a Bulbasaur and tried desperately to continue his prepared remarks over the audible booing of the now dwindling crowd of distraught Pokémaniacs.

“We understand this will be a big transition for the Pokémon community to make, which is why we are including several new Pokémon designs in Pokémon Sun and Moon, to help make this as gradual a process as possible for our fans.” Hijiro shouted as a large, hairy man dressed head-to-toe in pink Clefairy-adorned Pokémon merchandise made a quick, unsuccessful attempt to rush the stage, stopped by several members of the symposium’s security detail at the last second before reaching Spokesman Tajiri.  “We’ve gathered together all the rejected designs submitted by our creative staff over the years, and from several members of the team’s elementary age children, and transformed them into real, new Pokémon to be included in Pokémon Sun and Moon along with our alternate version Pokémon from Pokémon Red, Blue, and Green.  I mean, haven’t you ever wanted a donkey Pokémon that fights with dirt?  Meet Mudbray!  How about a dead-looking Pikachu that’s actually a ghost?  Mimikyu may just be for you!  How about a space debris Pokémon that can be broken in battle?  Just watch out for Minior showers!”

As the remainder of the once massive crowd gathered before Hijiro for his panel then began to actively throw fan-made Pokéballs (and a couple of actual rocks they called “Geodudes”) at Mr. Sadokawa in mass, symposium security quickly shutdown his panel for the Nintendo spokesman’s safety, and closed the symposium early for the day, promising to post the remainder of Hijiro’s press release on their website for later viewing by event-goers in its entirety.  It is unclear if that actually happened, however, as shortly after the time that Mr. Sadokawa’s speech was promised to appear on their website, hackers replaced the full contents of the symposium’s webspace with an animated .gif of Ash Ketchum from the Pokémon anime crying while surrounded by the logos for Pokémon Sun and Moon.

When asked on social media for a follow-up statement to his remarks at the Annual Ikebukuro August Handheld Gaming Symposium, Hijiro Sadokawa simply remarked “If they don’t like it, I guess there’s always Pokémon Go.”  Multiple news outlets reported, however, in the following minute, 50% of the overweight, single male demographic of the world shrugged in unison while chorusing “Meh.”

Satoshi Tajiri did not return our calls for a comment, but unnamed sources report a 800% increase in the number of Kleenex boxes and gift cards for comfort food restaurants purchased from his Amazon Prime account and delivered to his residence in the days since the shocking announcement.

[SATIRE] Torch Runner Accidentally Starts a Dozen Wildfires with Olympic Flame

(Original Post: August 11, 2016)

As sports enthusiasts across the world have celebrated the opening of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, many local residents have found themselves too distracted with a much more pressing concern to focus on anything directly related to the famed international athletics competition.  Specifically, one revolving around an unfortunate event that occurred during the much-lauded “running of the torch” that occurs before the start of every ancient and modern Olympics.

“He dropped the torch while running through our village.” reports Bernardo Gonzaga, resident of a small farming community located along the route run by Olympic athletes to light the torch in Rio de Janiero.  “He dropped it right into my wife’s flower garden, and it went up like kindling!  We are doing everything we can to keep the fire from spreading further, but it has already destroyed half the village, and the authorities refuse to allow us to throw water on it!”

“Attempting to extinguish the fire from an Olympic torch before the completion of the Olympic games is a sacrilege.” Andre de Santos from the Department of Public Health and Safety for the Brazilian state of Rio de Janiero confirmed to “Eye of Zatara” sources yesterday. “We simply cannot allow such a glaring insult to the 205 countries that have gathered in our good nation to share the spirit of brotherhood, comradery, and freedom that is born from the international competition exemplified in the Olympic games.  We have advised Mr. Gonzaga and the other residents of Madeira Queima that they are free to dig trenches, put up sand bags, and take other purely defensive measures to prevent further spread of the Olympic flame, but they are not to use water or any other means to extinguish the fires until the conclusion of the Olympics competition on the 21st.”

Madeira Queima was not the only village apparently set ablaze by the clumsiness of this same Olympic torch runner, however.

“My husband and children barely made it out of our house alive.  We knew the torch runner would be passing through our town that night, but, frankly, we were just too tired to try and greet him with the others from the village.” a frustrated and emotional Catalina Olivera Alvares explained to travelling CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, on Wednesday.  “We should have been there.  We should have been watching.  Then, maybe we could have stopped him.  Then, maybe, we would still have our home.”

It seems homes and villages were not the only areas affected by torch-runner-related wildfires, as well.

“It’s true this area is not heavily populated, but it is the only known habitat of the endangered Redwort Tree Frog, or, at least, it was,” European biologist Micheal Vandenshire of the International Scientific Cooperative for the Preservation of Endangered Amphibious Species explained to news blog “NowNews” on Tuesday.  “I fear that due to the careless wielding of the Olympic torch that has so affected this once forested region, there may no longer be any living specimens of the creature remaining.  It is unfortunate, as the slime from the Redwort had medicinal properties that some in our community believed could one day be used to treat a variety of ailments, or even create a cure for the common cold.”

Since all of these incidents occurred along what has been discovered to be the route of a single torch runner, multiple news outlets have attempted to reach out to the Olympics Committee and to local Rio de Janiero Olympic officiators to identify the person responsible for the now more than twelve confirmed wildfires, at least four of which are still continuing to spread across the fields and forests of the eastern Brazilian coastal region without waning.  No party, thus far, has been forthcoming with this information.

“Eye of Zatara” sources attempted to follow-up from Andre de Santos from the Department of Public Health and Safety for further comment about this issue, but were advised he could not be reached, as he was recovering from smoke inhalation after attending a private ceremony to honor multiple local citizens involved in the implementation of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio, including all local torch runners, when the residence they were in inexplicably burst into flames.