Michael Hamden Jr. – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] “Taste of Space” in Coca-Cola Starlight Revealed to Just Be Stale Sugar Cookies

By: “The Gatekeeper”

St. Laramie Parish, LA – Customers struggled to push their way into their favorite “Dollar General” in downtown Madville today as Coca-Cola slowed its production of “Coca-Cola Starlight”, a limited time product made to “Taste Like Space”, which apparently means to taste like the stale sugar cookies Coca-Cola was buying from various dollar stores throughout the country to make the drink.

“One day, Coca-Cola was buying every single cheap, flavorless, lightly frosted sugar cookie we had in stock, and, the next, boom… we have so many ‘Super Sugary Wafers’ the automatic doors can’t even push open through the things to let the regulars in.” Dollar General manager Dale Bakerston reported to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. this morning. “I guess people didn’t like the flavor of the stars or whatever.”

Coca-Cola denies using years old discount brand sugar cookies to create the distinct kick of their new Coca-Cola brand product, however, and says the increase of ‘Rainbow Happy Cookies’ and ‘Kimbler Elf Delights’ on the shelves of local discount stores is just a coincidence.

“Coca-Cola harvested a unique blend of unusual, cosmological flavors to mix together into the masterpiece that is our limited edition ‘Coca-Cola Starlight’ product, and that’s why millions of customers with poor taste throughout the country have celebrated the beverage with open arms and even opener wallets.” Director of Marketing at Coca-Cola, Inc., Todd Fizz, told online news outlet NowNews last week. “You really think we’d crush up stale shortbread cookies and sugar into a Coca-Cola and call it something new? I mean, come on, this is Coca-Cola we’re talking about. We’d never do something cheap like that, and admit it. Never! Besides, the sales of Coca-Cola Starlight have been incredible! Stellar… even.”

“Isn’t that just because people are accidentally buying Starlight while reaching for what a few months ago would have been a Cherry Coke?” NowNews asked in reply, while shaking their head at Mr. Fizz’s obvious pun. “Everywhere I go, it seems like store vendors are just replacing the Cherry Coke spots in their fridges with Starlight, and the label color is almost identical. You don’t even realize you got cheated until you leave the store and take a sip. By, then, it’s too late to get a refund.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience…” Todd Fizz answered thoughtfully before noticing the still half-full bottle of “Starlight” in his interviewer’s trash can.

“I am.”

As Coca-Cola continues to deny the use of ‘Frosted Fun Cookies’ and ‘No Stuff Fun-REO’s’ in making their “Starlight” flavor, “Dollar General” and “Dollar Tree” stores throughout the country continue to face the problem of how to keep walkways through their businesses clear of the literal flood of years-old, stale, one dollar treats now pouring into their stores continuously with every single truck delivery from their suppliers.

At the time of reporting, President of “Family Dollar”, Buck Quarters, had devised a potential solution for his own company, at least. By relabeling all ‘Flashy Family Cooksters’ and other similar products as “baby formula”, he sold every single package in every store overnight for $10 a pop, making enough profit to singe off his taste buds with lasers so he could never even theoretically taste a Coca-Cola Starlight again.

“It was worth it.” was the only reply he gave to “The Eye of Zatara” when requested for comment.

“The Eye of Zatara” has yet to investigate rumors from the southern border of newborns being fed these ‘Flashy Family Cooksters’ after Family Dollar’s new ‘baby formula’ was purchased en masse by the Biden administration and given to them.

[SATIRE] Biden to Keep “Space Force”, Also Announces “MySpace Force” to Guard Americans Against “AOL Chat Rooms”

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen. “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say? Horse? Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst? No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely. “Ok, listen, People, we gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids. To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again? Where am I? Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember. To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube. It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time. “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’? Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly. “That sounds like a great idea! Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again! My leg! You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically. “Somebody, call Corn Pop! I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true. That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it. What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he? We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces. That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country. I could believe that. But his Vice President won’t let him. So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila. “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’ How can we make Oceania great again? By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’ And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too! Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down. They’re winners. Like me. Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me. I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”. Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.

[SATIRE] F.B.I. “Most Wanted” Criminal Arrested in Costco After Shopping With Expired Membership Card

[Original Post: September 30, 2017]

New Orleans, LA – After spending nearly ten years on the run from local, state, and federal authorities scattered across the southeastern United States from North Carolina to Texas, it was with great joy today that New Orleans Deputy Police Commissioner Andre T. Jeffries announced the capture and arrest of F.B.I. “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, wanted for multiple individual counts of murder, murder for hire, arson, vandalism, terroristic threatening, and over a dozen other serious misdemeanors and felonies, after Mr. Thompson was caught shopping at a local area Costco store without an active membership card.

“It was the darnedest thing,” explained local New Orleans resident and Costco member, Randolph Winter, who witnessed Mr. Thompson’s arrest firsthand earlier this morning, “Here he was, trying to buy a box of like… 100 tangerines for one ridiculously low price, and some fuses or something, too, I think, when, suddenly, the cashier just flat-out asked him, ‘Sir, can I see your membership card, please?’ At first, the man kind of fidgeted and tried to make some excuses, but, after a few minutes of that, he finally just fessed up and admitted that he didn’t have a membership anymore, at which point, what looked like basically a small football team of employees bull-charged him and threw him violently to the ground. By the time someone realized he was on the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list, the guy was already hog-tied with most of a box of 100 extension cords being sold for $3.99 and was being force fed samples of dried cranberries by an overeager demo lady. Once the police arrived, he was already curled up in a ridiculously plush down comforter in the fetal position, crying, and asking for more cranberries.”

When asked how long Mr. Thompson had been residing in the New Orleans area, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries stated the authorities weren’t sure.

“We are continuing to investigate Mr. Thompson’s time in New Orleans, including when he arrived, how he arrived, how he managed to stay under our radar since his arrival, and why he let his Costco membership expire. Fortunately, thanks to some excellent policing by an OCD Jewish guy, two weird friends who constantly joke about 80’s movies, and a bunch of kids in a hippy van with a morbidly obese talking dog, we do, at least, have a working theory.” the Deputy Commissioner stated, in response to an energetic question from intern CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, Jr.. “A few hours ago, we confirmed that Mr. Thompson did have a legitimate Costco membership card on his person, but the card expired at midnight last night. It may be that Mr. Thompson has been residing in this same Costco retail store continuously for months, if not years, completely unnoticed by the overly friendly and unfathomably helpful Costco employees who then sustained him through the constant feeding of free samples to him and the unquestioned use of their reasonably priced and exquisitely relaxing home furniture. Thompson got lazy, however, when he let his membership expire. The moment he did, those happy, angelic little helper bees he had been relying on so heavily at Costco turned on him like freaky children of the corn from one of those scary horror/murder films my wife’s son from her first marriage likes to watch, and he had no choice but to scrounge up some change dropped by other members in the concession line to buy some tangerines with which to stay nourished.”

“We’re not sure why he was buying the fuses, though.” Deputy Commissioner Jeffries later added.

While Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries was eager to go into full detail about the arrest and extradition of F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, he was less inclined to comment on other rumors that another F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal, ‘Most Wanted’ #36 Alvin Lee Guitierrez, may also be hiding out in the area, hidden in a local area Sam’s Club retail store, a competitor of Costco’s.

“While Mr. Guitierrez may, in fact, be hiding out in a New Orleans area Sam’s Club, it would be impossible for us to confirm this,” Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries explained. “When’s the last time a Sam’s Club employee so much as looked at you at any point during your last shopping trip there? We’ve brought in a rugged old police detective in a shabby tan trench coat from another precinct to help us check on this lead, but, in all likelihood, Mr. Guitierrez is completely safe in a Sam’s Club for the time being.”

“Deputy Commissioner Jeffries, a question.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., once again bombarded the long-time second in command of the New Orleans Police Department with a pertinent question. “Even if that’s true, is it really ok for you to say something like that out loud? I mean, wouldn’t that encourage more criminals, whether from the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list or not to hide out in Sam’s Club once they know that no one is really looking for them in there?”

Deputy Commissioner Jeffries shook his head.

“No, it would take a seriously damaged, criminally-twisted individual to be able to endure six months of experiencing poor customer service in order to hide out for any long period of time in a wholesale store other than a Costco. Frankly, I just don’t think most men have it in them.”

“One more question please, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., frantically waved his hand, literally climbing onto the shoulders of a taller reporter standing in front of him in order to be better seen by the assistant head of the New Orleans Police Department.

“Yes, yes, what’s your question this time, young man? I have to take questions from reporters other than you sometimes, you know.”

“Oh, sorry, I understand, Sir. This will be my last one. I promise.” Michael Hamden, Jr. apologized, before continuing on with his query. “Um, is it true that the Costco corporation donated over a million dollars to the New Orleans Police Department this year at your annual charity gala, and their logo will be stamped on the side of every police car in the city later this month? I checked the F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ list earlier, and I couldn’t actually find anyone on it named Leonard ‘Iron Jack’ Thompson. The only ‘Most Wanted’ list criminal seen in this area in months was this one shady guy who looks a lot like James Spader. I get that you arrested someone from a Costco earlier this morning whose name is Leonard Thompson, but, um, are you sure it wasn’t just some sort of homeless guy down on his luck or something? Also, you all are kind of talking up Costco a lot, while saying quite a lot of mean things about people who work at Sam’s Club, and-”

“PRESS CONFERENCE OVER. I HAVE TO GO PICK UP MY STEP-SON FROM JUDO PRACTICE. GOOD QUESTIONS, EVERYONE. SEE YOU NEXT TIME.”

As Michael Hamden, Jr. finished his questions, the lights of New Orleans Police Headquarters’ Press Room were suddenly turned out, and the Deputy Police Commissioner as well as all of his staff had left by the time any of the reporters in the room could find a light switch. Shortly after the Deputy Police Commissioner’s conference, however, the Deputy Mayor of the New Orleans held a similar press conference, lauding Deputy Commissioner Jeffries on his role in the arrest of Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, but regrettably also announcing the Deputy Commissioner’s sudden retirement from the job due to a rather severe flare-up of his childhood “Gut Bustetitis” illness. Multiple sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” report that a man very similar in appearance to Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson was then seen stumbling awkwardly out the front steps of a local New Orleans Police Department building several hours later, before being escorted home by an irritated-looking officer in a freshly-painted, blue and white Ford Crown Victoria with a Costco logo on the side.

The F.B.I. declined to comment to “The Eye of Zatara” on the capture and arrest by the NOPD of supposed “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, except to say, “He had it coming to him. He let his Costco membership expire.”

***

BONUS: In an exclusive “Eye of Zatara” related follow-up to this story, a 31 year old man claiming to have been the unknowing roommate of Mr. Thompson, the two of them having lived for almost six months hidden in the office supplies aisle of Costco behind a thousand black ink pens and a very expensive wall safe, also returned today to his former life, mumbling something incoherently to passing Costco employees about “finally updating his blog” and warning them to “watch out for wolves”.

In unrelated news, “The Eye of Zatara” is now being updated again.

[SATIRE] A St. Patrick’s Day Miracle! – Man Wakes Up After Night of Drinking in a Field of Lucky Zero Leaf Clover!

(Original Post: March 18, 2017)

New Orleans, LA – In what has been described by some as a “St. Patrick’s Day miracle”, 21-year-old New Orleans resident Ricky Lansing has awoken after a long holiday night of drinking, partying, and general revelry to find himself, to his surprise, in a wide field of “zero leaf clover” somewhere in St. Tammany Parish, an approximately one hour drive from the last place Ricky remembers being the night before, leading him to post a social media thank you to “the st patrks day elves or whtevr the hek tgis holladay’s about. wait, not elbes, lepercons mayB? thnk u, st patrks day lepercons!!@! u rok!! holy crp, man, sun is so brite out rite nw. wht the hck?”.

“It was incredible.” one of Ricky’s close friends and drinking partners, 26-year-old unemployed “college student”, Thomas Frederick “Freddie” Mustang, explained to recently reinstated intern news reporter, Michael Hamden Jr. from CBC News, a few hours later. “One minute, Ricky was right next to me puking on this cute girl’s shoes in this bar on Bourbon Street called ‘Memoriez’, the next he’s texting me from this like… massive field of clover, saying he needs a ride back to his apartment. It was like… crazy! Normally, I wouldn’t go and get him as much as I’d had to drink myself, but, hey, I figured… if the magic of St. Patrick’s Day is on his side, what can possibly go wrong for me, you know? I was half-right, anyway. Sorry, random guy and his neighbor’s mailbox. And pet terrier.”

“What exactly is a zero leaf clover, anyway?” Michael Hamden Jr. asked, as Freddie sniffed his shirt to see if it was ok for him to wear it another day to avoid doing laundry.

“You know, it’s like a regular or four leaf clover, but without the clovery parts. I’ve like… never seen so much of it in one place before!” Freddie explained, deciding the borderline stench of his three day old shirt could be concealed if he took it off and put it back on inside out while in the middle of his interview with Michael Hamden Jr.

“You mean like grass?” the intern reporter asked, making a sudden realization about the two drinking buddies’ story while looking through his notes on a small pad of paper.

“No! Wait, what? Grass? Well, maybe.” Freddie answered, somewhat surprised, completing the flipping over of his shirt and now pulling a random sandwich out of his cargo pants’ pocket and eating it right in front of the CBC News intern reporter. “Wait, you think we’re so stupid we can’t tell the difference between grass and clover? To heck with you, Man. We’re not stupid! This was clover, clover! C-L-O-V-E-R. It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle! A miracle, Man! How else would I have made it to Ricky in one piece crossing the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway when I was seeing quadruple? I like go to church, you know, like once… in a while… maybe. And I have a Bible… somewhere. Or maybe that’s just a phone book. Either way, that’s why it happened, Man, I promise you! Wait… is St. Patrick’s Day actually a Christian thing, or is that the one with the Pilgrims and stuff, I can never remember? No, that’s Easter, right? And why does this sandwich smell like beer and throw up?”

“…what am I even doing here?” Michael Hamden Jr. sighed, throwing his notepad into a trash bin before quickly leaving Freddie’s messy apartment in disgust. “And your sandwich doesn’t smell like beer and throw up, you do. Maybe next time take a shower within 24 hours or so of having an interview with a television reporter, just an FYI there, Buddy.”

“Ouch. Harsh, Man.” Freddie replied kind of tiredly before taking a bite out of his day old pocket sandwich. “Hey, where you going? I got this other great story I was going to tell you about how I found five bucks in a public restroom on Valentine’s Day last year!”

On the insistance of his father, senior CBC News reporter Michael Hamden Sr., Michael Hamden Jr. attempted to follow-up on this story with “miracle boy” Ricky Lansing himself, but was repeatedly met with unanswered phone calls followed by texts hours later saying “i got a hedache cal u later, bruh.” At that point, 22 year old Michael Hamden Jr. gave up on further investigating this story, and went himself to ‘Memoriez’ to drink away the stress of dealing with Ricky and Freddie.

In a related story, New England Patriots Quarterback, Tom Brady was also recently found in a field of “zero leaf clover” in the St. Tammany Parish area after disappearing from Houston, Texas following Super Bowl LI in a swarm of angry peregrine falcons. When asked by reporters if he also credits his safe return to solid ground to the “elves of St. Patrick’s Day”, Tom Brady explained further.

“No, after carrying me around in the sky for over a month,” Mr. Brady began, “the birds were getting pretty hungry, and that washed up actor, Nicolas Cage, was out throwing stale bread in the park, trying to convince some seagulls of the genius behind his self-written script, ‘National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something? No, Probably Not.’ The falcons were so hungry, they dropped me to steal Cage’s bread from the seagulls. I only wish the birds had just eaten me alive and gotten it over with so I wouldn’t have had to listen to Cage read me the script of yet another one of those stupid movies.”

“It was better than the first two, though.” Tom Brady then added, a look of thoughtful disgust on his starved and heavily bird-scratched face. “Heaven help me that I know that, but I do.”

As of the posting of this article, Ricky Lansing has not returned Michael Hamden, Jr.’s calls, and no confirmation of the existence of “zero leaf clover” has been made by New Orleans area botanists. Due to the publicity generated by this story, however, “National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something? No, Probably Not.” has been picked up by Walt Disney Pictures and is tentatively set to debut in theaters in summer of 2018 alongside other long-anticipated thrillers like “Twilight: Moon Something Something Solstice Eclipse Horizon The Teenagers Who Will Watch This Are Too Stupid to Know What These Things Are Anyway” and “Marvel’s ‘Captain, Uh, Somewhere’: The Lost Avenger”. Inquires about whether or not Nicolas Cage will himself star in the new National Treasure movie he wrote as in the previous installments of the movie trilogy have been answered by executives at Walt Disney Pictures with a loud fit of laughter followed by several hours of wild, hysterical crying according to reliable sources contacted by the “Eye of Zatara”.

EDIT: After the posting of this article, the author (the Gatekeeper) also broke down into wild, hysterical crying while watching a self-made trailer for National Treasure III posted to Nicolas Cage’s YouTube account this morning. His grief was so great even a hot, delicious Chunky’s Pizza ordered by co-editor, The Watchman, was not enough to console him, and he ran screaming off into a field of “shiny three leaf clover” that turned out to be poison ivy.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] CIA Releases Information on UFOs and Psychic Phenomenon; David Duchovny Surprisingly Uninterested

(Original Post: January 18, 2017)

As reported by multiple other news outlets within the last twenty-four hours, a CIA dump of thousands of pages of once classified documents has made information once only available by cumbersomely thumbing through archives in person now readily accessible by anyone with a computer or smartphone and a decent internet connection. In an “Eye of Zatara” exclusive follow-up on this unshockingly normal news, however, actor David Duchovny, known famously for his role as the UFO-hunting FBI agent Fox Mulder on the recently revived television series, “The X-Files”, is completely uninterested in these files, despite the inclusion of actual U.S. government reports of UFO sightings and details on the U.S. Army’s “Stargate Project” which investigated human psychic ability with a focus on remote viewing, the ability to psychically obtain information outside the capabilities of one’s other five senses and from a distance.

A source close to the “Man Behind Mulder” reported earlier on the actor’s behalf that “[…]while some of these documents are, admittedly, interesting in my opinion, this is, unfortunately, not an opinion shared by Mr. Duchovny. It’s important to understand that while David may try to get into the mind of his characters on screen in order to accurately portray them to his audience, he, in fact, sometimes holds very different thoughts and opinions on various topics than do these fictional persons, as do all actors and actresses.”

When this source was asked by CBC News intern reporter (and “Eye of Zatara” reader!) Michael Hamden, Jr. if he was just saying that because “the Smoking Man is watching”, the source reportedly slammed the door in Michael Hamden, Jr.’s face, and refused further comment. Unable to get further information from anyone close to David Duchovny, Michael Hamden, Jr. attempted to follow-up with other actors from the “X-Files” TV show, including Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully) and Mitch Pileggi (Assistant Director Walter Skinner), to see if either of them had a message to the ever-manipulated American people about the secret information their government is clearly trying to hide from them, but that is now readily accessible via this Internet document release.

“How did you get this address?” Gillian Anderson reportedly told the eager young reporter, before motioning for a paid bodyguard to escort the CBC intern from her newly-acquired beachfront property on the northeastern coast of the Canadian province of Nova Scotia. “I just bought this house yesterday. What is with you paparazzi, anyway? I’m barely even on TV anymore. Why can’t you just leave me alone???”

Mitch Pileggi responded similarly.

“No, um… I’m sorry, you have the wrong condo. I’m not Mitch Pileggi. Uh…” the X-Files actor scrambled to come up with a cover story plausible enough to fool the intrepid but naive young reporter. “I’m his twin brother. Um… Rich Pileggi. Yeah, I don’t know where Mitch is. We’re estranged. We had a big fight a few years ago, and I haven’t spoken to him since. Good luck with your story, though. The elevator’s to the right at the hall if you’ve gotten lost in here or something. See you later, then.”

By the time Michael Hamden, Jr. realized he was being lied to, Mr. Pileggi had already closed and locked his condo door, in addition to alerting building security. Out of leads, the intern reporter returned to his original objective – getting a direct statement from David Duchovny on the subject, and staked out a hotel in Honolulu that the “X-Files” actor was rumored to be staying at on an impromptu vacation, eventually catching sight of the brooding actor as he returned to his room just after 2 am to get some rest following a late night luau on another noted actor’s private beach.

“Mr. Duchovny! Mr. Duchovny!” Michael Hamden, Jr. rushed over to the exhausted actor and celebrity with an old school tape recorder in his hand, startling Mr. Duchovny who hurriedly fumbled through his pockets for his key in a failed attempt to enter the exterior beach front door to his hotel room, a feature he had foolishly thought to be more luxurious and exclusive than a normal inner building hotel room entrance up until that very moment. “How do you feel about the details of the Stargate Project being made available for normal American citizens to search through online, along with other once classified government information such as UFO sightings? Do you and Scully have plans to go through this information together and see if you can uncover the truth about extraterrestial life hidden unknowingly within the likely-coded pages to reveal, at last, to the American public? Is that what you’re doing here in Honolulu? Meeting secretly with Scully?”

“Stargate Project?” Mr. Duchovny looked at Michael Hamden, Jr. feigning confusion after cobbling together an answer for the young reporter in the brilliant desperation of his incredibly irritated psyche. “Buddy, I don’t know what they told you, but you’ve got the wrong TV show. You should be bugging those SG-1 or Atlantis folks about this. I’m the guy who was on the X-Files. The government releases something new about Roswell, you come find me. Until then, go bother Richard Dean Anderson if you want a comment on Stargates.”

As the CBC news intern considered Mr. Duchovny’s words, he successfully slipped back inside and locked his hotel room door, forever ending their conversation at that point. Taking the “Man Behind Mulder”‘s words to heart, however, Michael Hamden, Jr. did, indeed, track down Richard Dean Anderson, one of the primary actors on successful science fiction television series “Stargate SG-1”, and was just about to board a plane to confront him at a hotel in Atlantic City when he was intercepted by his father, seasoned CBC News Reporter, Michael Hamden, Sr., who took away Michael Jr.’s credit card and reportedly “grounded him in his room like a child” until he was “ready to enter the grown-up world of real journalism”.

The following day, Richard Dean Anderson issued a detailed and elaborate report to the press regarding the information publicly disclosed on the Internet about the government’s Stargate Program, saying “I was hoping a reporter would put 2 and 2 together, and come and ask me about the Stargate Program directly. But, since none of them ever did, I figured I’d just go ahead and issue a general statement to the press myself. I’ve got some interesting insights into this topic I’m sure all American people are going to want to hear.”

Despite the bitter irony, neither Michael Hamden, Sr. nor Michael Hamden, Jr. followed up directly with Mr. Anderson for additional comment, perhaps due to rumors that CBC News abruptly terminated its “Intern Reporter” program as a result of extreme negative feedback received by the news organization individually from nearly every major actor and actress on the “X-Files”.

In a follow-up with internet news blog NowNews, however, Richard Dean Anderson failed to substantially elaborate on the shocking revelations of secret government conspiracy exposed by the independent letter he submitted to five major press agencies earlier that day, but did note that he ran out of ink in his only pen while hand-writing the world-shattering statement, almost preventing him from finishing it since he can’t type, but reportedly refilled the ink in the exhausted pen himself using nothing but a plastic cup, a few blackberries, some black paint scrapings, and a bendy straw.