Michael Hamden – Page 2 – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] SAG Announces All Upcoming TV and Movie Roles to Be Filled by Jeff Goldblum; Other Actors/Actresses Too Busy with Politics

(Original Post: February 11, 2017)

In a surprising announcement by the Screen Actors’ Guild association today, starting March 1, 2017, all future television and movie roles will, for the foreseeable future, be filled exclusively by Oscar and Emmy nominated actor, Jeff Goldblum, best known for his classic roles in the “Jurassic Park” and “Independence Day” franchises. The 64-year-old Pennsylvania-born actor will be filling in for both male and female parts, using carefully-applied make-up and wardrobe modifications to align his appearance with that of the original actor or actress chosen to play the part before this announcement, imitating their speaking and acting style to the best of his ability, to make it appear as if he were really that actor or actress, albeit in a much more awkward, nerdy, and clearly Goldblumish way.

“It’s unfortunate that we had to do this, but actors and actresses are bound to a higher calling than simply that of entertainers,” Carrie Redtep of the Screen Actors’ Guild association explained to Michael Hamden, senior reporter from CBC News in an impromptu press conference late Thursday. “Until Hollywood’s actors and actresses complete the extensive work required of them for the next four years by their primary career path of political activists, they simply do not have the time or energy to spend on their side jobs as television and movie personalities. Fortunately, Mr. Goldblum, whose political beliefs are much too complicated for him to explain even using his large vocabulary and smooth, but almost incomprehensible, cadence, has agreed to step up and fill the entertainment opportunities of Hollywood’s greats until they can achieve the political success the rest of country overwhelmingly requires of them as people who play make believe for a living.”

Jeff Goldblum himself, despite being worked nearly to the bone, seems to be alright with the arrangement, calling it a “Kafkaesque metamorphosis of his career, serendipitiously driven by his subconscious Descartian declaration of self by ego, personifying himself, not unsurprisingly, in a Shakesperean employment of comedy and tragedy that rotates endlessly in Samsara, bringing phoenix-like revival to his previous Mephistophelian temptations of surrender to obscurity and allowing herald-like re-declaration of his personal inventory in a monomyth-like reinterpretation of self, akin to Odysseus’ ostentacious self-revelation on his unprophesied return to his familiar, sadly patriarchal power structure in the conclusion of Homer’s sweeping epic as generally interpreted by modern scholastic reasoning.”

As of the posting of this article, no translation to the above text has been offered by the Screen Actors’ Guild or Mr. Goldblum.

While the full details and exact duration of the total replacement of all television and movie roles by Jeff Goldblum have yet to be clarified by anyone in Hollywood outside of a vague “four to eight years – maybe less, if we get our way” timetable offered by Miss Redtep to SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings near the end of her press conference, it is clear that the March 1st, 2017 date of its beginning is a hard start, as a new season of “Law and Order: Normal Victims Unit” in which both primary New York City detectives, their stalwart police chief, the District Attorney, the ADA, and all suspects, victims, criminals, and on-lookers will be played by Mr. Goldblum, is set to air Wednesday the 1st, beginning with a two part special in which a twisted serial killer (played by Jeff Goldblum) is randomly poisoning orders of Chinese delivery in the New York City area, resulting in the death of a sitting judge (played by Jeff Goldblum) who was the childhood mentor of Assistant District Attorney Jeff Coldwin (played by Jeff Goldblum), resulting in him starting to blur the lines of right and wrong, threatening not only to end his career as an Assistant District Attorney, but to endanger the lives of Detective Mike Endsgrove (played by Jeff Goldblum) and Detective Karrin Niyachek (played by Jeff Goldblum), who get caught up in the serial killer’s dangerous web while trying to rein in ADA Coldwin. The episode will guest star Jeff Goldblum as a conscientious and observant street performer who provides the crucial clue needed to finally track down the serial killer, ending his reign of terror and saving ADA Coldwin’s career.

During his interview with the Screen Actors’ Guild’s Carrie Redtep, Michael Hamden attempted to press the now impatient-looking PR rep for more information, but was quickly brushed off as Miss Redtep exited into a large, black, stretch limousine waiting parked for her on a nearby curb and honking.

“I’d like to provide more information on the calling the American people have placed upon Hollywood to act as its moral center in this time of political crisis and division, but, unfortunately, I have a prior engagement.” Miss Redtep explained, while hurrying off in heels and a red, designer dress to meet her limo driver. “I’ve got advance tickets for that new, even filthier ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ sequel, so I can’t tarry, but I’ll be happy to speak to you about Hollywood’s responsibility as the all-knowing conscience of America at a later date, if you’d like to please schedule something with my Administrative Assistant.”

As of the posting of this article, no further information has been offered by Carrie Redtep, or anyone else from the Screen Actors’ Guild, to the media on the subject of Jeff Goldblum’s total assimilation of all American television and movies roles. An entertainment reporter, however, is claiming on popular news blog, NowNews, that he saw Miss Redtep leaving the theater playing her long anticipated “Fifty Shades Darker” movie Thursday night only about halfway into the flick, quickly buying a ticket for “Lego Batman” before switching films, her face as beet red as her dress. She was, unfortunately, the only viewer to do so.

[SATIRE] Patriots Defeat Falcons to Win Super Bowl – Lose to Actual Falcons in Parking Lot on Way to Hotel

(Original Post: February 6, 2017)

In a historic turnaround victory that went into overtime for the first time in Super Bowl history, the New England Patriots defeated the Atlanta Falcons 34 to 28 to claim their fifth Super Bowl victory in Super Bowl LI, despite being losing by as much as 25 points to the Falcons earlier in the game. After a riotous celebration in NRG Stadium in Houston, however, the New England Patriots left the sports arena to return home for a long, well-deserved rest in their hotel room only to be confronted in the parking lot by a cast of actual falcons bent on avenging their namesake in the NFL, swooping down on the unsuspecting players in mass like a Biblical plague.

“It was awful.” an unnamed player from the Patriots team was overheard explaining to Coach Bill Belichick several hours later once Animal Control and EMS had arrived on scene to assist with the unexpected zoological phenomenon. “There we were, exiting proudly out of the stadium as champions, Vince Lombardi Trophy in hand, when suddenly we saw what looked like a fast-moving cloud approach us from overhead. By the time we realized they were birds, we were too far away from the stadium entrance to make it back inside in time. After that, all I remember is being surrounded by feathers and talons. Feathers and talons. It was so terrible. And the screeching. No… I don’t think I’ll ever forget the screeching…”

Avian experts from across the globe have weighed in to explain the sudden, unexpected attack of what has been confirmed as nearly two thousand peregrine falcons descending at once upon the Super Bowl stadium in Houston, and viciously attacking one of the most successful NFL franchises in the history of football. Suggested causes have ranged on one hand of the scientific spectrum to unlikely but plausible instigators like global warming or habitat displacement to more radical and supernatural causes such as sorcery, telepathy, and the specific genetic breeding of “attack falcons” by anti-Patriot NFL fans unwilling to let the turnaround defeat of the Atlanta Falcons by the Patriots go unanswered.

“Well, I’m not really supposed to say things like this, but I’m pretty sure it was Lady Gaga.” Sports commentator and former NFL superstar Terry Bradshaw weighed in, in an exclusive interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings this morning. “Whatever it is that lady has become, it’s definitely not human. It wouldn’t surprise me if whatever… thing… she was doing with her body during the Halftime Show didn’t summon these birds out of whatever alternate universe of monsters that girl got her creepy blue leotard and face mask from. I’m serious about this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I haven’t eaten in a good five minutes, and someone in Row 2, Seat 35 forgot to take their delicious hot dog with them when they left the stadium tonight.”

Terry Bradshaw then began drooling right on camera, before slipping, unknowingly, into a Homer Simpson accent.

“Mmmm… hot dog.”

While most of the details of the otherworldly falcon attack on the New England Patriots outside NRG Stadium have been more or less sorted out overnight by diligent reporters, one disturbing rumor has persisted since the incident despite any particular evidence to prove or disprove it, with Bill Belichick has thus far refusing to comment on the situation or even acknowledge the unusual question when asked directly by reporters.

“Where’s Tom Brady?” Roger Goodell was reportedly overheard saying to several of the New England Patriots players shortly after the falcon strike, while first aid kits were rushed out to the players to treat their litany of bloody, claw-shaped laceration wounds.

The players reportedly shrugged.

Since then, unconfirmed sources have posted a video to YouTube which supposedly shows the five time Super-Bowl-winning quarterback being carried away by a human-shaped mass of circling and flying peregrine falcons vaguely reminiscent in its silhouette to a skeletal, scythe-wielding Grim Reaper and cloak. The video shows the quarterback shouting desperately at the birds to let him down, before disappearing into the clouds over Houston crying “I know I wasn’t supposed to win! I know it was Atlanta’s time to shine! I remember all the warnings, and I tried my best to lose, I really did! I swear it! But, even when I’m intentionally trying to make as many bad passes and plays as possible, I’m still Tom Brady, Baby! Tom Bleeping Brady! I can’t lose even when I want to! Is another Patriots Super Bowl win really that much of an affront to nature itself?” The question went unanswered, as the supposed video of Tom Brady’s avian abduction cut off at that point. So far, no sight or sound has been heard of Tom Brady in the media since the incident, but neither has any trace of him been noticed hovering in the skies of Houston engulfed in birds, although small showers of salty, tear-like rain drops have been reported throughout the city of Houston since the falcon attack, a usual sign of Tom Brady’s presence in any given location, according to meteorologists familiar with the often weepy star quarterback.

As football fans throughout the world try to make sense of the results of Super Bowl LI, and also with the most terrifying video-recorded attack of black-winged birds since the days of Alfred Hitchcock, the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots are both left alone to lick their respective wounds, one figurative and one literal, each bearing the scars of one of the most interesting and eventful games in NFL history. Fans of Tom Brady may bear the biggest emotional burden right now, however, as they try to determine the whereabouts of the New England Patriots’ leading man, leaving some to take wildly to the streets of Houston tossing footballs high into the air hoping that Brady, if he’s up there, can catch them and weigh himself down enough with the balls to descend from his flying prison among the Grim Reaper of birds holding him hostage. Some have raised concern that the air in the balls may serve to counteract their purpose, however, working like balloons to only all the more keep the five time Super-Bowl-winning quarterback aloft in the warm air of Texas. Justin Hargrove, an avid Brady fan, and local Houston resident reported to CBC News he is not worried about such concerns, however, in a short interview with CBC’s Michael Hamden.

“I’m not big on science or nothing, but, frankly, I think the weight of the ball is more important to the equation here than the lightness of the air contained within it.” A possibly inebriated Mr. Hargrove explained, while brushing pork rind crumbs off of his salsa-stained lucky white Game Day T-shirt. “But, even if it DID turn out to be a problem, somehow… we all know Brady’s the kind of guy who wouldn’t have any trouble at all letting just enough air out of the balls to give him the edge he needs over the falcons.”

“I agree.” Terry Bradshaw interjected, having somehow wandered into the front lawn of Mr. Hargrove during his interview with CBC News’ Michael Hamden. “By the way, is that barbecue I smell?”

[SATIRE] President Trump Forgets to Change Toilet Paper Roll After Using Last Piece; Democratic Protesters Flood the Streets

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In a shocking revelation that has made even Republican politicians once strongly supportive of President Trump cringe and back away from the now beleaguered new President, an unnamed White House staff member reported in a candid whistleblower interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings this morning that after spending “an inordinate time” in the White House bathroom closest to the Oval Office last night, the 45th President of the United States used the last fragment of toilet paper from the current roll in the tissue holder next to the bathroom’s only porcelain throne, and, after only lightly washing his hands, left the bathroom for a National Security briefing he was now a few minutes late for… WITHOUT replacing the toilet paper roll he had expended for the next unsuspecting victim to his scandalous Stall of Shame to use.

“It just shows where the priorities of this new President lie,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer explained a few hours ago to veteran reporter Michael Hamden from CBC News. “He claims to be in favor of capitalism and the average American citizen, but he really just wants to use up all the nation’s resources for his own satisfaction, and leave the rest of us to clean up the mess ourselves… exactly like he did in the White House bathroom by the Oval Office.”

As protestors flood into the streets around the White House carrying signs bearing the slogan of “Make America’s Bathrooms Great Again”, similar protests have continued throughout the night on the campus of UC Berkeley, where Brietbart editor Milo Yiannopoulis was scheduled to make a speech, until a report appeared on popular internet news blog NowNews early yesterday afternoon that Mr. Yiannopoulis had only left a scant 5% tip at a casual dining restaurant he visited in the Berkeley area for lunch that day, despite admittedly receiving “excellent service”. Mr. Yiannopoulis attempted to explain his remarks through a series of statements issued to the protestors a few hours later, but found his poorly constructed arguments were completely unable to break the stout logical wall of “We’re going to break store front windows and burn lots of things” retorted by the linguisticly-superior liberal advocates protesting against him, an argument they made not only rhetorically, but honorably followed through with in spades.

As Donald Trump and those of the conservative or Republican persuasion face continuously increasing scrutiny from those on the left calling them Nazis while at the same time organizing violently against them, (a situation which would be very ironic if Donald Trump was not a racist, sexist, Islamophobe, reincarnated Egyptian mummy who clearly deserves whatever horrible things people say or do across the country in protest of his hatefulness, because if the lessons of Nazi Germany taught us anything, it’s definitely not that the ends don’t justify the means, right?) Republicans are already preparing themselves for the inevitable impeachment proceedings that will be required to remove President Trump from office as the scandal of his failure to replace a toilet paper roll he used the last of in the White House bathroom continues to drive the more kind and intellectual members of the American populace onto the street armed with molotov cocktails, driven by the knowledge that everything Donald Trump does, no matter how small, is in some way subconsciously motivated by his extreme white privilege, and will serve to discriminate against both women and minorities. It may also be worth noting that the White House whistleblower who reported Donald Trump’s lack of courtesy in the bathroom, when they themselves tried to use the facility immediately after the President, is a female of undisclosed minority status with a grandmother who once visited Syria. This, on top of everything else we already know about the newly-elected President, should confirm in all our minds exactly what kind of sinister man he really is.

Newly confirmed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson attempted to deploy the eXxon-Men to deescalate the violence in the protests at UC Berkeley, but they disappeared en route after being greeted by an excited Barron Trump, ten year old son of President Trump, whose middle name has recently been revealed to be “Zemo”. If the eXxon-Men do not turn up soon, whatever the cause may be behind their disappearance, Secretary Tillerson has vowed to create a new superhero team to, among other things, “Avenge” them, but has yet to disclose the name of this proposed second force of super-powered metahumans.

[SATIRE] Anti-Trump Protesters Welcome Refugees in Name of Love “As Long As They Don’t Support Hateful President”

(Original Post: January 30, 2017)

As protests continue to mount over newly-elected President Donald Trump’s recent Executive Order restricting travel into the United States by refugees originating out of seven Muslim countries with a high rate of Islamic radicalization, protest leaders have come out to clarify their goals and the more compassionate position they wish to see taken by the new President going forward, stating their objective as “Welcoming in love any refugee who wishes to seek shelter in our nation of immigrants, no matter what country or culture they originate from… as long they don’t support our hateful, illegitimate, racist President.”

Adam Clu, the primary organizer of a recent anti-Trump protest in New York City, sat down with veteran reporter Michael Hamden from CBC News to discuss the subject in more detail on behalf of his fellow protesters.

“Love Trumps Hate.” Adam explained to Mr. Hamden with a cheesy smile while reflexively holding up his right hand as if clutching an invisible protest sign in it. “The United States has a history of welcoming onto our shores those that the rest of the world rejects, and standing up for those who are shunned and stigmatized by other societies. ‘Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free’. Those words found on the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty have a meaning. We should not be a people that divides the world based on racial, cultural, or political lines, but a people that extends a helping hand to those different from ourselves in the name of friendship for the betterment of our common man.”

Mr. Clu’s face then contorted a little, before continuing his impromptu monologue to the quiet and contemplative Mr. Hamden.

“As long as none of those refugees support that hateful racist that illegitimately sits on the seat of U. S. President in the place of the liberated woman who rightfully won the office, Hillary Clinton.” Adam Clu frowned rather coldly, as his hands began to shake in utter rage simply remembering the blight on the face of the American people that was the 2016 Presidential election. “Anyone who supports that sexist Nazi should be shouted down with wave after wave of protest and personal criticism until they realize just how wrong they are – that they are standing in the way of progress, standing in the way of the American people, standing in the way of the future! It disgusts me to even think of that awful man who pretends to be our President thanks to Russian manipulation of stupid, uneducated conservative teabaggers.”

Mr. Hamden began to grow a little confused.

“I thought you were in favor of love?” Michael Hamden asked, trying to understand the sudden change in tone by his guest, feeling very uneasy about the aggressive rhetoric now being thrown at him by his once docile interviewee.

“Love? Of course I am. Love Trumps Hate.” Adam Clu repeated, an unhealthy smile once again appearing on his mostly botox-paralyzed face, a strange twitch beginning in his left cheek as if he were forcing his face into a muscular display of happiness in contrast to his actual emotions. “Just not for Trump. Or anyone in his Cabinet. Or anyone who voted for Trump. Heaven help anyone who voted for that awful man. You better unfriend me fast on Facebook if you’re a Republican so-called “Friend” of mine, because I am going to be posting EVERY DAY to let you know just how horrible and ignorant a choice you have made, and how disgusting it is that Trump is doing exactly what he promised the American people he would do before winning a large majority of the Electoral College vote. We may have lost the election, although not really, but we are going to emotionally punish the entire rest of the country for it every day until we get what we want – complete and utter submission to our opinions… or else!”

Adam Clu began to chuckle oddly to himself before finishing his interview with Michael Hamden with a final ominous statement.

“We Trump protestors love Freedom of Speech, but Freedom of Speech should not include Freedom of Hate Speech.” Mr. Clu said with an even bigger smile than before on his now all-the-more-twitching face. “And because we protesters stand for everything which is good and loving and just and correct, we correctly define Hate Speech as every opinion that isn’t in line with our own… don’t you?”

Feeling suddenly very nervous, Michael Hamden hurriedly nodded before thanking Mr. Clu for his time, and quickly escorting him out of the CBC News studio in which the interview between the two parties took place.

While Adam Clu may not speak for all those opposed to the policies of newly elected President Donald Trump, 105% of all social media users in a poll by upcoming news outet, SLNC News, report they are “extremely sick and tired” of their more politically-minded friends and colleagues using social media to post daily about how “they are completely and utterly correct, and everyone who disagrees with them is awful”, 95% of all social media users report “they are tired of seeing people on social media compare political figures to infamous, genocidal leaders from World War II Era Germany”, and 75% of all social media users report “they are tired of being accused of being a racist/sexist/xenophone/reincarnated Egyptian mummy for having an honest political opinion about a topic with legitimate pros and cons not founded in any form of discrimination”. Meanwhile, only -5% of social media users report enjoying being castigated by their friends and family for having a differing political opinion to their own, -55% of social media users report they agree with President Donald Trump entirely on all of his opinions and policies as stated before and after his inauguration, and -1000% of social media users report that they agree with Donald Trump’s disgusting statements about groping women from his youth which have been played over and over and over and over again in the media as if that is all that there is, ever has been, and ever will be to his character, as legitimately gross, offensive, and worrisome as that statement truly was.

As of the time of this article’s writing, the termination of Acting Attorney General Susan Yates by President Donald Trump was being reported by various mainstream media outlets including CBC News and SLNC News, causing the jobless protestors sitting on the White House lawn in continual complaint against the newly-elected President of the United States to wipe off the dry erase boards on a stick they are now using in place of normal protest signs, and immediately begin brainstorming the new catchphrase of complaint they will begin using tomorrow in response to Trump’s firing of Yates, only stopping their passionate chanting of opinion to occasionally cash entitlement checks from the Federal government that allow them to sustain their lifestyle of continual opposition to the management of the United States, all the while it directly pays to feed them.

[SATIRE] CIA Releases Information on UFOs and Psychic Phenomenon; David Duchovny Surprisingly Uninterested

(Original Post: January 18, 2017)

As reported by multiple other news outlets within the last twenty-four hours, a CIA dump of thousands of pages of once classified documents has made information once only available by cumbersomely thumbing through archives in person now readily accessible by anyone with a computer or smartphone and a decent internet connection. In an “Eye of Zatara” exclusive follow-up on this unshockingly normal news, however, actor David Duchovny, known famously for his role as the UFO-hunting FBI agent Fox Mulder on the recently revived television series, “The X-Files”, is completely uninterested in these files, despite the inclusion of actual U.S. government reports of UFO sightings and details on the U.S. Army’s “Stargate Project” which investigated human psychic ability with a focus on remote viewing, the ability to psychically obtain information outside the capabilities of one’s other five senses and from a distance.

A source close to the “Man Behind Mulder” reported earlier on the actor’s behalf that “[…]while some of these documents are, admittedly, interesting in my opinion, this is, unfortunately, not an opinion shared by Mr. Duchovny. It’s important to understand that while David may try to get into the mind of his characters on screen in order to accurately portray them to his audience, he, in fact, sometimes holds very different thoughts and opinions on various topics than do these fictional persons, as do all actors and actresses.”

When this source was asked by CBC News intern reporter (and “Eye of Zatara” reader!) Michael Hamden, Jr. if he was just saying that because “the Smoking Man is watching”, the source reportedly slammed the door in Michael Hamden, Jr.’s face, and refused further comment. Unable to get further information from anyone close to David Duchovny, Michael Hamden, Jr. attempted to follow-up with other actors from the “X-Files” TV show, including Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully) and Mitch Pileggi (Assistant Director Walter Skinner), to see if either of them had a message to the ever-manipulated American people about the secret information their government is clearly trying to hide from them, but that is now readily accessible via this Internet document release.

“How did you get this address?” Gillian Anderson reportedly told the eager young reporter, before motioning for a paid bodyguard to escort the CBC intern from her newly-acquired beachfront property on the northeastern coast of the Canadian province of Nova Scotia. “I just bought this house yesterday. What is with you paparazzi, anyway? I’m barely even on TV anymore. Why can’t you just leave me alone???”

Mitch Pileggi responded similarly.

“No, um… I’m sorry, you have the wrong condo. I’m not Mitch Pileggi. Uh…” the X-Files actor scrambled to come up with a cover story plausible enough to fool the intrepid but naive young reporter. “I’m his twin brother. Um… Rich Pileggi. Yeah, I don’t know where Mitch is. We’re estranged. We had a big fight a few years ago, and I haven’t spoken to him since. Good luck with your story, though. The elevator’s to the right at the hall if you’ve gotten lost in here or something. See you later, then.”

By the time Michael Hamden, Jr. realized he was being lied to, Mr. Pileggi had already closed and locked his condo door, in addition to alerting building security. Out of leads, the intern reporter returned to his original objective – getting a direct statement from David Duchovny on the subject, and staked out a hotel in Honolulu that the “X-Files” actor was rumored to be staying at on an impromptu vacation, eventually catching sight of the brooding actor as he returned to his room just after 2 am to get some rest following a late night luau on another noted actor’s private beach.

“Mr. Duchovny! Mr. Duchovny!” Michael Hamden, Jr. rushed over to the exhausted actor and celebrity with an old school tape recorder in his hand, startling Mr. Duchovny who hurriedly fumbled through his pockets for his key in a failed attempt to enter the exterior beach front door to his hotel room, a feature he had foolishly thought to be more luxurious and exclusive than a normal inner building hotel room entrance up until that very moment. “How do you feel about the details of the Stargate Project being made available for normal American citizens to search through online, along with other once classified government information such as UFO sightings? Do you and Scully have plans to go through this information together and see if you can uncover the truth about extraterrestial life hidden unknowingly within the likely-coded pages to reveal, at last, to the American public? Is that what you’re doing here in Honolulu? Meeting secretly with Scully?”

“Stargate Project?” Mr. Duchovny looked at Michael Hamden, Jr. feigning confusion after cobbling together an answer for the young reporter in the brilliant desperation of his incredibly irritated psyche. “Buddy, I don’t know what they told you, but you’ve got the wrong TV show. You should be bugging those SG-1 or Atlantis folks about this. I’m the guy who was on the X-Files. The government releases something new about Roswell, you come find me. Until then, go bother Richard Dean Anderson if you want a comment on Stargates.”

As the CBC news intern considered Mr. Duchovny’s words, he successfully slipped back inside and locked his hotel room door, forever ending their conversation at that point. Taking the “Man Behind Mulder”‘s words to heart, however, Michael Hamden, Jr. did, indeed, track down Richard Dean Anderson, one of the primary actors on successful science fiction television series “Stargate SG-1”, and was just about to board a plane to confront him at a hotel in Atlantic City when he was intercepted by his father, seasoned CBC News Reporter, Michael Hamden, Sr., who took away Michael Jr.’s credit card and reportedly “grounded him in his room like a child” until he was “ready to enter the grown-up world of real journalism”.

The following day, Richard Dean Anderson issued a detailed and elaborate report to the press regarding the information publicly disclosed on the Internet about the government’s Stargate Program, saying “I was hoping a reporter would put 2 and 2 together, and come and ask me about the Stargate Program directly. But, since none of them ever did, I figured I’d just go ahead and issue a general statement to the press myself. I’ve got some interesting insights into this topic I’m sure all American people are going to want to hear.”

Despite the bitter irony, neither Michael Hamden, Sr. nor Michael Hamden, Jr. followed up directly with Mr. Anderson for additional comment, perhaps due to rumors that CBC News abruptly terminated its “Intern Reporter” program as a result of extreme negative feedback received by the news organization individually from nearly every major actor and actress on the “X-Files”.

In a follow-up with internet news blog NowNews, however, Richard Dean Anderson failed to substantially elaborate on the shocking revelations of secret government conspiracy exposed by the independent letter he submitted to five major press agencies earlier that day, but did note that he ran out of ink in his only pen while hand-writing the world-shattering statement, almost preventing him from finishing it since he can’t type, but reportedly refilled the ink in the exhausted pen himself using nothing but a plastic cup, a few blackberries, some black paint scrapings, and a bendy straw.

[SATIRE] Debate Continues Over Exxon C.E.O. Tillerson – Selection as Secretary of State; Proposal for Superhero Team Known as ‘eXxon-Men’

(Original Post: January 18, 2017)

As the inauguration of 45th United States President, Donald Trump, looms on the horizon but a few days away, debate continues on Capitol Hill about many of the choices made by the President-Elect to fill the seats of his upcoming Cabinet, including his controversial choice to appoint Rex Tillerson, C.E.O. of Exxon Mobil, to the powerful and prestigious post of Secretary of State. Even after his confirmation hearing last Wednesday, doubts remain for many on both sides of the aisle as to his qualification for the post, including significant bi-partisan concern for his shocking new plan to combat the growing threat posed to global peace by antagonistic nations like Russia by the creation of an elite combat team of oil-altered mutant superheroes known as the “eXxon-Men”, who will directly battle national security threats on a global scale.

“By working with noted psychologist, geneticist, and human rights advocate, Professor Charles Francis Xavier, I have implemented a plan to transform a select group of ‘gifted youngsters’ into a well-rounded superhero fighting team, transformed by contact with experimental derivations of Exxon Mobil product, and wielding powers that no nation on Earth will be able to compete with.” Tillerson explained in an interview with CBC News reporter Michael Hamden yesterday. “These eXxon Men, even if they are not accepted by some, will prove to the world our American exceptionalism, even if their true names and identities will not be disclosed to the public for fear of personal retaliation against the eXxon Men by their future enemies.”

Despite attempting to retain his journalistic neutrality, Michael Hamden was clearly unnerved by Mr. Tillerson’s proposal, and responded to his bold declaration by asking if there was a specific threat that the Candidate for Secretary of State had in mind when deciding to create a team of super-powered Rogues in the name of national security.

“Magneto.” Mr. Tillerson answered quickly.

“Magneto?” Michael Hamden cocked his head in disbelief.

“I believe you know him as Vladimir Putin, but we in the Trump administration are aware of his true identity.” Mr. Tillerson responded again, with a cocky smile. “Have you noticed that this man you know as ‘Putin’ never seems to age? It’s almost as if a shapeshifter had taken his place, and was re-creating him the same way year after year while another shadowy figure pulls the strings from behind the scenes. As Secretary of State of the United States, I refuse to buy into the Mystique surrounding the President of Russia.”

Following the CBC News interview, other news outlets have sent follow-up questions to Mr. Tillerson regarding his identification of enemies whose otherwise unopposable threat justifies the Havoc that creating a team of teenage oil-mutated superheroes will undoubtedly unleash onto the world of tomorrow. In a short appearance on Cable news early this morning, Mr. Tillerson shared more of the Sinister threats he imagined would have to stopped, in the end, by his supermutants.

“Shadow King.” Mr. Tillerson explained. “You may know him as Kim Jong-un. Have you noticed how similar he is to his father? It’s almost like his body is just a host, and something more… unnatural… is possessing him, just as it did his father before him. We in the Trump Administration have named this supernatural astral being the ‘Shadow King’. Any other questions?”

“Yes, any other enemies you’d care to name today?” the now Jubilant small time morning show host asked Secretary of State Candidate, Rex Tillerson, overjoyed to have someone so prestigious on their humble little broadcast.

“Well, there’s the leadership of Communist China, or as we call them, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.” Mr. Tillerson answered. “We’re also looking into some more local threats for the eXxon-Men to fight. There was a push to address overweight liberal film maker Michael Moore as ‘The Blob’ in all official Trump administration emails, but some bleeding heart hired by Ivonka shot that one down as ‘offensive’ for whatever reason. I’ve thrown about the idea of calling David Letterman ‘Sabretooth’, as well, but that’s more for my own personal amusement.”

“I see…” the TV host replied, somewhat confused, before trying to return the conversation to a more serious direction.

When asked if the eXxon-Men would also be equipped to help with war efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan, Mr. Tillerson looked noticeably uncomfortable, before hesitantly commenting that he planned to keep his superhero team out of the “Savage Land” for now, at least until they’re “ready to deal with Sauron’s hypnosis”.

When his multiple interviews revealing information about enemies for the eXxon-Men only seemed to increase rather than decrease the number of questions, concerns, and personal insults received from the press about his eXxon-Men strategy, Tillerson released a final statement just before the publication of this article, and is now refusing to discuss the issue further until his installment as Secretary of State.

“No matter what you or the American people themselves may think of my plan to create the super-powered force known as the eXxon-Men, the truth is that we are in a different world today than we lived in ten years ago.” the statement read, obtained only a few minutes prior by Eye of Zatara sources. “A vastly different and Marvelous world, but one that threatens to fall like Dominos if we do not embrace the Longshot of creating a superhero team to oppose the Beasts and brutes that threaten its security. The threats we face are real. It may seem a bit of a Gambit to oppose these dangers with force, but I believe we can successfully ride the Storms of our current world if use every knight, rook, and Bishop at our disposal to win this global game of chess known as national security. What choice do we have? If we simply avert our eyes to the truth, if we ignore our duty as stalwart Sentinels of the American dream and refuse to even try to Forge a better world for our children, there is no future for us but this – but to fall to the fierce, united Phalanx of our enemies and watch the world slowly fall, like a dying Phoenix, into the crimson Hellfire of a then well-deserved Apocalypse.”

Attached to the bottom of Mr. Tillerson’s public statement was a similar sentiment from proposed eXxon-Men leader Charles Xavier, as well as a mugshot from a still unidentified, grey-haired older man wearing shades with a scribbled note at the bottom of his picture that this was his “cameo” and that “the eXxon-Men will return in 2018”.

[SATIRE] Man Forgets Old Acquaintances, Childhood Friends, Co-Workers – Cannot Bring Them to Mind

(Original Post: January 1, 2017)

A man in New York City has filed suit against a small circle of friends at a New Year’s Eve party he attended last night claiming that after a rousing rendition of the classic New Year’s Eve carol, “Auld Lang Syne”, by their host, the highly suggestible 38 year resident of the Bronx took the song to heart and “let old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind,” and now cannot remember the names or faces of multiple childhood friends, high school classmates, church acquaintances, and co-workers, causing considerable damage to both his social identity and reputation as a result.

“I work at a furniture store on 2017th Street,” the now acquaintance-less Bernie Roberts of New York explained to Michael Hamden of CBC News earlier this afternoon, “Unlike many other businesses in the area, we were open on New Year’s Day promoting a special sale of up to 50% off select furniture, but when I arrived for my shift, I suddenly realized I didn’t recognize more than one or two of my co-workers, and everyone else was just a blank. I tried my best to pretend that nothing was wrong, but the jig was up pretty quick when I made a crack about how ridiculous it was we were open on New Year’s Day, completely unaware that I was speaking to our boss who had made that very decision. I was nearly fired on the spot. Only by explaining my condition was I able to get out of termination, and only after promising to work extra shifts on my days off for the next couple of months. It’s awful, and it’s all that darned New Year’s song’s fault!”

His career was not the only part of his life affected by the sudden short and long-term memory loss, however, if Mr. Roberts is to be believed.

“Our in-laws are in town for the holidays. You should have seen the look on my wife’s face when I could not remember her mother’s name.” Mr. Roberts admitted with a growing looking of desperation in his eyes. “I thought she was a door-to-door salesman. I told her to ‘Go bother someone else.’ before my wife came out, right on time to hear what I said. I, uh… well, Margerie… my, um, wife hasn’t exactly come home since that…”

Trying to determine the extent of his memory loss, Mr. Roberts opened up his Farcebook account to see how many of his friends on the popular social media site he could still remember. The results were not encouraging.

“Of 207 friends, I can clearly remember about 13.” Mr. Roberts admitted sadly, beginning to grow uncomfortable the more he talked about his unbelievable condition. “Most of them were close family members, a a few of my better friends, and my pastor. Thank goodness I can still remember him. He’s the one I called after Margerie… left with her parents. It’s probably only because we really connected at this big church barbeque in November. Apparently, he’s a big Steelers fan like me, which is pretty rare here in New York.”

When asked how his plan to sue his few remaining friends would help to alleviate his potentially permanent personal damage, Mr. Roberts paused for a moment before giving his answer.

“It won’t. But, perhaps…” Mr. Roberts said with a heavy sigh. “It will give me the resources to get the help I need, or, at the very least, the resources I need to move on…”

At this point in the interview, an unnamed “Eye of Zatara” source allowed to tag along on the CBC News interview due to a personal connection with Mr. Hamden interjected, much to the chagrin of the intrepid CBC News reporter.

“You realize the lyrics about forgetting acquaintances in ‘Auld Lang Syne’ are rhetorical, right?”

“Wha… what?” Bernie Roberts answered shakily, horrified at what he was hearing.

“It’s a rheotorical question. It’s not actually telling you to forget all your old acquaintances. It’s asking whether it’s a good thing to let good friendships be lost in the passage of time. It’s really more of a call to remember your old friends, not forget them.”

“I… I see…” Mr. Roberts answered, his voice cracking with raw emotion. “I didn’t… I really didn’t… know that.”

At this point, the CBC News interview had to be terminated as the interviewee, Mr. Bernie Roberts of New York, had an emotional breakdown in the middle of Michael Hamden’s office, and had to be forcibly removed from the building by security. There are currently no scheduled plans to continue the interview any time soon.

[SATIRE] “Leather Wrapped Stone” Sells Out at Nordstrom; Lex Luthor Takes Credit

(Original Post: December 13, 2016)

As part of an ingenius plan to finally kill the heroic “Man of Steel”, evil supervillain mastermind Lex Luthor confirmed today that the $85 “Medium Leather Wrapped Stone” recently sold out at Nordstrom stores throughout the country for previously inexplicable reasons was, in fact, supplied to the popular department store chain and marketed by his company, LexCorp, and is comprised mostly of radioactive Kryptonite, a greenish element foreign to Earth’s periodic table that serves as the only known weakness to the otherwise indestructible defender of “Truth, Justice, and the American Way”, Superman.

“The discovery of a new Kryptonite meteor in the Los Angeles area left me with an excellent opportunity.” Lex Luthor announced cockily to a slightly agitated looking Clark Kent from the Daily Planet at a press conference event earlier this morning. “To put Kryptonite in the home of countless otherwise innocent citizens throughout the country, putting Superman in a ‘Russian Roulette’ situation where entering any well-to-do residence to help its inhabitants could very well lead to his untimely death, as the particle emissions released by Kryptonite are not only toxic to all Kryptonian life forms, but even close proximity to them can rob someone like the ‘Man of Steel’ of his superpowers, leaving him no more powerful than, say, our Mr. Kent here.”

Marketed as a “paperweight”, “conversation piece”, or “work of art”, depending on its owner’s subjective whim, the “Leather Wrapped Stone” is now nearly impossible to find, as it is not only completely sold out on Nordstrom’s website, but sold out in nearly all of its individual local stores, as well, despite appearing to be little more than a common pebble in a fancy leather half-pouch resembling something a child might make at Boy Scout Camp for their parents. When asked how he managed to convince otherwise intelligent, hard-working citizens to invest so much money into something they could easily pick up on the side of the road for free, Lex Luthor simply smiled as a second figure approached from the back of the room to share the podium with him.

“That was my doing,” a tall, bald humanoid with inhuman-looking green skin spoke ominously and somewhat condescendingly to the crowd of reporters gathered at the early morning LexCorp press conference. “As a 12th level intellect, creating an advertising campaign capable of tricking people with too much money on their hands into purchasing a glorified sling stone was child’s play once Mr. Luthor here provided the Kryptonite to fulfill his part of the plan. Soon, as our ‘Leather Wrapped Stones’ find themselves in more and more homes, offices, and businesses; moving from residential table and countertops to workplace desks, department store shelves, and countless other locations unforeseen even to the great Superman himself, he will find it impossible to safely continue to help the people of Metropolis or anywhere else in the country, and will be forced to either retire his cape of superheroism, or eventually die after rushing into a smoke-filled room on fire, store being robbed, or home collapsing due to earthquake, only to he himself fall by the hands of one of these lethal, Kryptonian-killing ‘conversation pieces’.”

“One question if I could, Mr. Luthor, and um… Acquaintance.” Michael Hamden of CBC News interjected, getting a little closer to the podium after a sweating and suddenly sick-looking Clark Kent excused himself from the press conference, the journalist glancing over his shoulder at a sample “Leather Wrapped Stone” sitting on a display table in front of Mr. Luther beside a mason jar of “Granny’s Peach Tea” and large, unopened bag of “Jolly Ranchers” candies.

“…it’s Brainiac.” the otherworldly green man answered Mr. Hamden coldly.

“Yes, Mr. Luthor and Mr. Brainiac.” Michael Hamden stuttered a little nervously, before continuing on with his query. “If you’re trying to kill Superman with these Kryptonite rocks, why announce it to the public? Why announce it to the world? Doesn’t that seem a little counterproductive to your goals here?”

Lex Luthor smiled before taking back the podium from his otherworldly supervillain accomplice.

“What does it matter?” Lex’s cocky grin grew wider as he revealed the depth of his criminal genius for all the world to see. “The Kryptonite stones have all already been purchased. They’re being shipped to houses across the country as we speak. They’re being laid in ribbon-wrapped boxes beneath the boughs of lavishly-decorated trees of the well-to-do where they will sleep undisturbed until the joy of Christmas morning. Don’t you see, Mr. Hamden? The deed is done! I’ve already won! I’ve convinced a nation of fools to buy their own coal for loved ones this holiday season, and now Superman – even almighty Superman – has not the power to stop me. Merry Christmas, Son of Krypton! Merry Christmas, oh great Man of Steel! There is no Grinch to steal Christmas this year, so fly down chimneys to rescue the weak and poor if you dare, but, know, a glowing surprise may be waiting around the tree to deck your halls – and it’s not Rudolph’s nose shining so bright this time.”

Lex Luthor then ended the scheduled press conference by cackling maniacally at the top of his lungs, before awkwardly trying to force multiple people around him to eat Jolly Ranchers for no reason. The “Man of Steel”, Superman, could not be reached by “Eye of Zatara” sources for comment, but a paranoid-looking Batman has reportedly purchased several new “Leather Wrapped Stones” found hidden in the back of a Nordstrom warehouse in Gotham City several hours ago “just in case [I] need to make him bleed again”. Fellow “Justice League of America” member Aquaman has also made himself available for comment, but has not received any inquiries or questions from the media at this time, resulting in several tweets of “:(” from the water-based superhero in the last several hours, all of which were ignored by his three Twitter followers.

[SATIRE] Frustrated Trump Names Actual Cabinet to Presidential Cabinet; Furniture Piece Still Derided as “Right Wing Extremist” by Media

(Original Post: November 24, 2016)

After the election of deceased 20th century politician Thomas E. Dewey (reported two weeks ago here on the “Eye of Zatara”) was overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court in a 7 to 1 decision last week, new President-Elect Donald J. Trump has begun the difficult work of creating a Presidential Cabinet to ease his transition into the role of U.S. President next January. After bearing continuous criticism by the media since long before his confirmation as President Elect earlier this month, along with a bombardment of attacks by Hillary Clinton voters on social media calling him everything up to and including a Nazi, apparently unaware of the irony of their own use of hate speech in this manner, Donald Trump has apparently given in to frustration and pressure, and named an actual cabinet he found at Ikea to the position of “Secretary of the Interior”, a decision which has met with immediate backlash from multiple media sources, calling the cabinet a “neocon”, “Teabagger”, and “right wing extremist”.

The cabinet in question – a tall, two-doored black fiberboard and particleboard number, on sale this Black Friday for 50% off which Donald Trump declared as an “immediate savings for the American people”, was chosen for its sturdy frame and stylish features, on recommendation of an Ikea employee named Larry that Trump stumbled into while trying to find the restroom in the vast, small town of a department store. While the cabinet has yet to clarify many of its political positions or plans for the office of the Interior, many commenters on the Fox News Network have celebrated the cabinet as “the most honest politician they have ever met” after meeting both Trump and the cabinet for drinks as is customary for all Newscorp employees immediately after the nightly completion of their primetime programming block on the Fox News channel.

Rachel Maddow on the MSNBC Network, however, very harshly criticized Trump’s choice of the cabinet, saying last night on her show that no one watches or remembers the name of that “The rigidity of the cabinet is typical of those who surround Donald Trump. They are unmoving extremists, unwilling to bend to the left on any issue to make deals across the aisle. To the contrary, they stand obstructively in place like a piece of furniture, completely blocking the aisle, funded by Big Retail and born from the destruction of precious trees that produce the oxygen we all need to breathe. This cabinet is everything we have come to fear from a Donald Trump Presidency, and should be filibustered without a second th-… what’s that word? I can’t read the teleprompter. Yes, I’m talking to you, Bill. Move it down a page, darn it! There we go… and should be filibustered without a second thought. There, Bill, was it really that hard to stop flirting with the camera girl and do your freaking job for a minute there?”

Despite the criticism, the Trump Transition Team has not backed down from their decision, however. To the contrary, they have pushed forward with another wave of similarly controversial Presidential Cabinet picks, with rumors now circulating that the territory of Puerto Rico is now in top consideration for the post of Secretary of State once thought likely to be offered to former vocal Donald Trump critic, Mitt Romney. When Michael Hamden of CBC News, aware of the literal decision Trump was attempting to make in appointing a state to the Secretary of State position pointed out to Donald Trump at a press conference this morning that Puerto Rico is not technically a state, the President-Elect simply responded “Your mother’s not a state.” and then reflexively added to Mr. Hamden “You’re fired.”

Other rumored Trump selections at this point include Energizer batteries’ drum-wielding pink bunny mascot for the “Secretary of Energy” post, a local San Antonio area farmer familiar with fence posts and plywood for the position of “Secretary of Da’ Fence”, and actor Keifer Sutherland for the post of “Secretary of Homeland Security” based on his “proven ability to get the job done within a single 24 hour time frame”. Inside sources have added that Trump plans to save money for the American taxpayers by then dissolving the Secretary of Homeland Security post after 24 hours until “next season” when Keifer Sutherland will immediately be rehired for the position, a move Mr. Trump believes will make Keifer Sutherland a “designated survivor” among his picks, a brilliant choice guaranteed to endure all Congressional backlash from the Democratic party in contrast to his other choices. Contrary to Mr. Trump’s hopes, however, all these rumors, including those about Mr. Sutherland, have only met with further criticism from most of the press and those strongly opposed to the President-Elect on social media.

“The Cabinet picks of President-Elect Trump clearly prove how out of touch he is with the American electorate,” the cast of “Hamilton” ended the second act of their Broadway show by announcing to their audience, after calling out a man in the front row for his poor fashion choices and a woman near the back of the packed theater venue for an ugly tattoo visible on her shoulder thanks to a sleeveless top she chose to wear to their show, “If Trump wants to be the President for ALL of diverse America, he’s going to have to make picks that specifically appeal to us and our political agenda, and to heck with his own thoughts and voters. Otherwise, he’s a racist, and we’re going to criticize him like all-knowing moral authorities in the middle of each of our shows until he listens to us. Excuse me, Sir, in the third row with the weird grandpa glasses on, we’re trying to lecture you on politics here. Could you please be so kind as to stop chatting to the guy next to you and listen?”

“Look, it comes down to this – I’m going to choose the people in my cabinet that I think will best enable me to win at being President of the United States of America” President-Elect Trump stated in a quick coffee shop interview with a CNN reporter several hours ago, while trying to figure out how to claim his latte from a barista clearly refusing to read the name “Trump” written on the President-Elect’s cup a couple feet away, “If that means making a quality piece of furniture from a reputable business my Secretary of the Interior, then that’s what I’m going to do. You should wait to see what I do with my Czars. I went all out and got Putin’s advice on a couple of those.”

“Oh?” the reporter inquired, growing both curious and nauseous at the same time, a Starbucks manager just behind him dialing the cops to report Trump’s ordering of a cup of coffee under his own name while the President-Elect’s barista continued to shakily hold the Voldemort-monickered cup of joe in his increasingly traumatized young hand, his innocent lips unable to reveal the horrifyingly evil identity of its purchaser.

“Think ‘Nuclear Wessels’.” Trump winked, while drawing a Star Trek logo in the air with his fingers. “Oh, it’s gonna be great. You’ll see. You’ll all see…”

As of the release of this article, neither Walter Koenig or Anton Yelchin would confirm to “Eye of Zatara” sources whether or not the Trump Transition Team had reached out to them about a “Czar” position in his upcoming administration. Unconfirmed reports do, however, identify “Star Trek: Discovery” Executive Producer Bryan Fuller as Trump’s first choice for Presidential speech writer, but claim he declined the position after a jockish high schooler called him a “regressive Republican hack” shortly after meeting with Trump to discuss the possible position, an act which caused the Executive Producer to barricade himself crying in his condo again.

[SATIRE] 2016 Presidential Election Results: DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMP!

(Original Post: November 9, 2016)

In a stunning reversal of all expected results of the 2016 U.S. Presidential race, it seems write-in candidate and former New York Governor Thomas E. Dewey, a Republican Governor famous for his two failed Presidential bids against Democrat Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the 1940s, has secured the 270 electoral college votes required to clench the office of United States President from both Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton AND Republican candidate Donald J. Trump, according to sources other than just the Chicago Daily Tribune this time.

Dewey, who died from a heart attack in 1971, was originally introduced as a possible write-in candidate for this year’s election by several popular social media outlets and blogs as a joke, but rapidly became a legitimate Presidential choice for 2016, appearing on the ballot in 48 of 50 states plus the District of Columbia, after gaining widespread grassroots support in the face of two extremely unpopular candidates elected in the primaries by both major American political parties.

“We initially rejected Thomas Dewey as a possible choice for the U.S. Presidential race when his supporters first began to approach us,” one unnamed Board of Elections official for the state of New Jersey reported off the record to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden earlier this week, “but the requests to add him to the ballot just kept coming in. People loved his hard stance on organized crime, and success in prosecuting infamous mobster ‘Lucky Luciano’ as District Attorney of New York County. They said to themselves ‘This is the kind of man who should be President of the United States.’ After a while, we just couldn’t take all the phone calls and hand-written letters, so we added him to the ballot. We didn’t actually expect him to win.”

Each earning an even split of 109 electoral votes a piece, Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton individually conceded to Dewey shortly after confirmation that he had reached a projected total of 276 electoral votes shortly after 3 am Eastern Standard Time this morning.

“We were shocked.” one unnamed Clinton staffer reported to blog NewsNow shortly after Hillary Clinton’s short concession speech. “We would have understood losing to Trump, as he is at least as alive and breathing as Ms. Clinton, but losing to a deceased Republican Presidential candidate from the 20th Century? You really can’t guess these kinds of things in politics ahead of time.”

“Wait, there was an election last night?” current Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, added, after wandering into Clinton Campaign Headquarters by accident while attempting to find a McDonalds serving all night breakfast in the area. “Who won? Let me guess, Barack, right? Wait, am I Vice President again?”

While Hillary Clinton is reported by close personal friends to have taken the news relatively well, only ordering the execution of less than half of her most trusted campaign advisors after reluctantly admitting defeat to Thomas Dewey, multiple media outlets are reporting Donald Trump may not be faring as well, psychologically, with the unexpected defeat.

“He hasn’t stopped eating taco bowls since the concession speech.” Joey Hargrave, producer for Trump’s now cancelled new documentary series “Winning At Everything – The King/President Donald J. Trump Story”, expected to air back-to-back on Fox News for the first 72 hours after the final election results came in, reported to a drooling husk slightly resembling Chris Matthews from MSNBC around 6 am Eastern Standard Time this morning. “He just says keeps repeating ‘The votes haven’t all been counted yet. I’ve got to eat more taco bowls.’ over and over again. I think he’s thrown up at least six or seven times, but he just keeps eating…”

“He’s also barricaded several of the doors in his study with pillows,” Joey Hargrave admitted to the Chris Matthews-esque zombie a few minutes later, while MSNBC’s ratings of the live coverage rapidly fluctuated between one and two television viewers. “He texted me a picture saying ‘I told you I would build a wall. Let’s see them cross the border into my office now!’ I really don’t think the man is well…”

While many news outlets are focusing on the reaction of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to Thomas Dewey’s election as America’s first Necromantic-American President, fewer outlets investigated the effect such a startling turn of fortune is having on other “dark horse” candidates such as Independent candiate Evan McMullin or Libertarian Party choice for President, Gary Johnson. In fact, as of the time of this article’s publication, no attempt had been made by any news outlet, including our own, to gauge Mr. McMullin or Mr. Johnson’s reactions to Thomas Dewey’s victory, nor those of Green Party Candidate, Jill… Somebody. This will likely continue to be the case.

Rumors that, due to an accidental deletion of the email sent to advise her of this by Democratic Party officials, defeated candidate Hillary Clinton is actually yet unaware of her loss to Thomas Dewey, and simply executed a portion of her campaign staff for sheer entertainment value, are, as of yet, unsubstantiated. Rumors that crazed Dewey supporters are frantically trying to hook up a Tesla Auto-Pilot device to the corpse of Thomas Dewey in order to animate him in time for his Presidential inauguration are, also, unconfirmed at this time, but line up with other surfacing reports involving failed attempts to revive him using a red-colored feather dubbed a “Phoenix Down” and a lightning-powered contraption constructed by a technologically-gifted ardent fan of Mary Shelley.

In a bizarre violation of precedent, Dewey himself remains silent on his victory, and has offered no acceptance victory even after winning the 270+ electoral college votes needed to earn the title Leader of the Free World. Presumed Vice Presidential electee Earl Warren has remained similarly quiet, despite being named as a possible replacement for Antonin Scalia in the U.S. Supreme Court, assuming Scalia cannot reclaim the seat himself after being equipped with a Tesla Auto-Pilot.