Science Fiction – The Eye of Zatara

[SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS — The “Real” Review (Blue Pill)

Review By: “The Gatekeeper”

“The Matrix: Resurrections” is the most interesting movie I have ever seen about Microsoft Excel, and the only movie about Microsoft Excel that, to my knowledge, stars Keanu Reeves. Apparently the sequel to another trilogy of movies that I haven’t seen, “The Matrix: Resurrections” is the story about a homeless man named “Neato” who wanders into some kind of modern day technology firm and begins working on an Excel matrix there until it seems to take over his life, and even cause him to seek after some other homeless-looking lady named “Serenity” which I think is from that show, Firefly, but I can’t say for certain, because I also haven’t seen that.

Apparently, in a previous “Matrix” movie, a younger looking dude that looks nothing like today’s Keanu Reeves hooked up with Serenity in some kind of green-looking city that kind of hurt my eyes to see flashbacks of. Then, John Smith, the guy who married Pocahontas if I remember third grade history class correctly, tried to kill this younger Keanu Reeves person for some reason, but Keanu stopped them using the power of his X-Box One, hereafter just referred to as his “The One”, possibly by hacking their Excel matrix. (Honestly, I didn’t even know Microsoft Excel could run on an X-Box, but I guess that’s what made him such a cool hacker in the previous films. Who knew?)

There is a lot of shooting things in this movie. Like, a lot, a lot. And, sometimes, when he’s being shot at, Neato (Keanu Reeves)’s internet connection to the Excel matrix seems to lag up, as the bullets stop hitting him and everything kind of moves slow for a while. Honestly, it’s kind of like playing Overwatch. I think he said his internet service provider was “Bullet Time”, which I have never heard of, so no wonder he has such poor connection speeds. Also, based on his scruffy hair and beard, I am still assuming that Neato is homeless, so he probably doesn’t have any money to upgrade his internet connection with, either.

At the end of the movie, something happens, but I can’t tell you what that something is because I kind of fell asleep playing “Pokemon: Shining Diamond” while watching the movie, and had a weird mixed dream about the two where Keanu Reeves was telling me about the legend of Dialga, and I woke up screaming “Use the Master Ball!” right as “Resurrections” started its end credits. So, since I did not see the ending of the movie, I will now make one up, and will sternly judge the movie based upon the merits of the ending that I happened to think of as the first thing on the top of my head after watching it.

So, Neato and Serenity ultimately get cornered by the villain of this movie, Orville Redenbacher, who attempts to trade them popcorn in exchange for helping him record his business expenses on Neato’s latest Excel matrix. Neato refuses, however, and calls a fleet of those Imperial Star Destroyers with Death Star lasers on them from the last horrible Star Wars movie and blasts Orville Redenbacher into non-existence along with half of the greater Seattle area. (I’m just kind of assuming they all live in Seattle.) Then, Neato and Serenity move to Cleveland to open a general goods store, and live happily ever after, until the sequel where they’re recruited by Nick Fury to fight Thanos’ evil little brother, Kyle, who has seven Infinity Stones now, one more than his older brother because he’s more evil. The End.

Overall, I would recommend “The Matrix Resurrections” to anyone looking to get a good night’s sleep, to anyone who is a fan of Microsoft Excel, or to anyone who has seen either “Firefly” or the original “Matrix” movies. I would think that having any idea who Neato and Serenity are instead of just imagining it in their heads will get a lot more enjoyment out of this movie than I did. I would like to warn anyone watching this movie, however, that the ending is kind of bad. Like the Orvile Redenbacher thing makes no sense, and seems completely thrown it there at random, and the Imperial Star Destroyers blowing up the city around Neato and Serenity seemed really contrived. Overall, I’d give the movie a 7 out of 5, which is an improper fraction, a testament to the improper way I felt this movie treated its source material, if it has any, as I do not know – I have never seen any of the other “Matrix” movies.

There you go. Final score, 7/5. I will now return to playing Pokémon and/or napping until my next review. Don’t wake me until then. (Unless you want to trade Pokémon.)

~The Gatekeeper

(Click here to see The Watchman’s review now.)

[REVIEW/SATIRE] “The Eye of Zatara” Reviews – THE MATRIX: RESURRECTIONS [Real Reviews by Real Weirdos]

[Original Post: Wednesday, December 22, 2021]

Hello, Everyone, and greetings from the only sane member of the “Eye of Zatara” crew, “The Watchman”!

The latest Matrix film, “The Matrix Resurrections”, dropped on HBO Max earlier today, so I sat down with our usual writer, “The Gatekeeper”, so we could share our thoughts and opinions on the new film with you. (Yes, for real. This is not satire.) Below you will find two very different reviews for the movie:

(1) My completely normal, genuine, honest, and thought-provoking review, spoiler free. I know. Real content on here. Strange, right?

(2) The Gatekeeper’s usual incoherent nonsense woven loosely together into a strange mind-rotting review that is as much insane as it is insightful. Read this one at your own risk. It’s much more in line with our usual content.

Make your choice below:

Click this red link, and I, The Watchman, will tell you the truth about “The Matrix Resurrections” without ridiculous over-the-top satire.

OR:

Click this blue link, and The Gatekeeper will ramble on about strange things that don’t really make sense to anyone but himself, but which could be considered funny maybe? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m just the editor here.

Red or blue?

Fantasy or truth?

Both options are available. Which will you choose?

[SATIRE] The “Eye of Zatara” Investigates – MEN IN GREEN

[Original Article: Monday, October 4th, 2021]

“You may have heard the rumors about the men in nice suits that show up whenever you see something that… shouldn’t quite exist in our world. The hushed whispers of secret government cover-ups, inhuman infiltrators of our society, and magic-like occurrences that defy modern civilization and its technology. Heck, you may have even seen a movie about these, so-called, “Men in Green”. Well, I am here to tell you that they are very real.

It was a rainy St. Patrick’s Day in the town of Meadup, Louisiana. The precipitation had finally let up, and a rainbow could be seen leading just over a nearby hill to something I could not quite make out. I had taken the week off work to celebrate my wife’s birthday with a cruise we were leaving for tomorrow, so I had the leisure to walk a few minutes forward until I could try to see what was at the end of the little rainbow by my house. That’s when I saw it.

They call them “UPGO”, or “Unidentified Pot of Gold Objects”, small black kettles of otherworldly locomotion that float impossibly above the ground while surrounded in an array of otherworldly lights, all centered around the end of a rainbow, as if the bridge of many colors led, at its far point, to another world beyond imagining, one which I was not supposed to be aware of. A shadowy figure emerged from within the golden metallic coins that littered the top of the floating kettle, a small green-clothed humanoid with a ragged hairy red beard and a hat with a four leaf clover on it. I had seen an honest-to-goodness “little green man”. The minute it saw me, it disappeared. Down into the end of the rainbow in a flash of light with the rainbow disappearing a few short seconds behind it, and I thought that would be the end of my story. Until the next day, when the men in nice suits showed up.

I was almost finished packing for the cruise when I heard a knock at the front door a few rooms away. Tossing another polo shirt into my suitcase, I then hurried over to my home’s threshold and opened the door to be greeted by a suspiciously serious looking middle-aged man in a green suit and tie, along with another man that looked a lot like Will Smith. They flashed some kind of ID in my face, something strange that looked like they had gotten it from the bottom of a cereal box, and started asking me about hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons. I told them I knew nothing of these things, but had seen a strange pot of gold at the end of a rainbow in my front yard yesterday. They frowned.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step outside.” the more serious-looking man said in a somber tone, taking… something… out of his jacket. The strange cylindrical device looked like one of those pens from grade school that could write in any color depending on which button on the top of the pen you pushed first. But on the top of the thick, pen-like machine was what was clearly some kind of plain brown potato. I was more than a little confused.

“Look into the potato please, Sir.” the man said very seriously, while his assistant mumbled something under his breath about making pancakes for Shrek. I refused. Why would I stare at a stupid potato, and what did this have to do with the UPGO I saw the day before?

“We’re from the government, and I need you to look into this potato.” the man said more seriously, reaching for something else inside his emerald suit coat… possibly a weapon? His partner reached for a weapon as well, while whispering to me something about finally being able to make up for “After Earth”. At this point, I’d had enough. I slammed my front door in the face of these strange “Men in Green” and looked for my cell phone to contact the police when, suddenly, some kind of talking dog, a pug, was in my house in front of me, holding the same “potato pen” device as the others. I saw the strange sight for only a moment before a bright emerald light filled my eyes and I woke in my bedroom, laying on the bed beside my still only half-packed suitcase, having apparently fallen asleep while preparing for my cruise.

I sighed with relief, happy the strange series of events had turned out to merely be the musings of my resting mind. Then, I heard it. The sound of… something… perched on the open sill of my nearby bedroom window.

“If you thought that was bad,” a multi-colored toucan carrying a box of “Froot Loops” under one arm mused in perfect English. “Just wait ’till you see what agents they send now that you’ve seen me.”

My startled scream could be heard all the way to the other side of another fleeting rainbow in the little town of Meadup, Louisiana.”

***
As per our usual standards, “The Eye of Zatara” confirmed the above account with its usual rigorous filtering process before posting it to this website (AKA we asked our ‘Magic 8 Ball’ if it was true and it said ‘Probably’.) Stay tuned for more in-depth investigations into the strange and paranormal as “Halloween Month” continues on “The Eye of Zatara”!

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Biden Accepts Newest Challenge from Vladimir Putin – “Lightsaber Duel” in Place of Televised Debate

(Original Post: March 22, 2021)

Imperial Palace, Coruscant – Preparations are being hastily made for what is being called a “Duel of the Fates” as Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, escalated his previous challenge to Joe Biden for a televised debate, now requesting a Jedi lightsaber duel in the heart of the Imperial Palace on planet Coruscant, a request which U.S. President Biden has, surprisingly, accepted.

Leaving a spaceport in Moscow clothed entirely in black robes, Vladimir Putin, also known as “Darth Sykkle”, activated the hyperdrive on his small Imperial model shuttlecraft to take him to the Palace on Coruscant ahead of Biden, to await him, lightsaber in hand, ready to show all of America the power of the Communist “red side” of the Force.

It is unclear what the outcome of this battle will be, but video footage supposedly of the battle itself was delivered to the “Eye of Zatara” by an old man in a Hoveround muttering about Benjamin Franklin. The following unconfirmed information is the record of the battle.

“Listen, Buddy, if you wanna… You’re… You’re a knucklehead, you know that? I could… I could kick your one Force pony into next week! You hear me?” President Biden muttered to a house plant hanging on the wall along one side of the duelists’ ring in the heart of the Imperial Palace.

“Mr. Biden, I know you are busy, but, before I cut you down, there is something you must know…” Darth Sykkle smiled beneath the black Sith hood of his robes, igniting the crimson blade of his silver-hilted energy sword.

“Look, if you’re about to say you’re my father, you’re a heck of a lot older than you look.”

“No…” Vladimir Putin answered with an insidious cackle. “I am… CORN POP’S father. I am the reason he went down the wrong path, and threatened you at that pool you used to work at.”

Hearing this, U.S. President Biden’s expression changed in an instant, the once frail-looking leader standing up tall and facing Darth Sykkle with a ferocious look of knowing determination as he activated his own “Luigi Green” colored lightsaber and raised it in challenge like a master fencer’s rapier towards the face of the corrupted Russian dictator.

“Not good enough.” Putin laughed as he waved his hand at Biden, striking him with a burst of Force energy and throwing him down the staircase located directly behind him on the dueling platform. “And, by the way, that’s the SECOND time I’ve thrown you down a staircase with the Force in the last week, Mr. President!”

Putin laughed maniacally, as Biden collapsed pathetically on the staircase.

“It’s over…” Putin smiled as he walked to the top of the staircase and stared down at the once again confused and befuddled American leader.

“It is NOT.” Another voice chimed in from the shadows, as a new weapon activated behind Darth Sykkle, revealing the face of a black and red armored Kamala Harris holding a large, shuriken-like, four-bladed lightsaber ring, each blade on the weapon a shade of red matching exactly the color of freshly spilt blood.

“What?” Putin raised an eyebrow in confusion, turning around to face his new challenger.

“It is said with Sith there are always two – a Master and an Apprentice. This is true.” Vice President Harris showed but the tiniest hint of a smirk as she threw her strange lightsaber at Putin in a blur too fast for his eyes to even track, cutting him down in a single slashing movement without giving him so much as a chance to defend himself against her. “You made the mistake of challenging the Apprentice. Now you fall before the Master…”

“And you have made the same mistake…” another voice echoed in the old duelists’ arena, an odd, unnaturally-colored, orange-skinned right hand reaching down to retrieve the still glowing red lightsaber from the injured Putin’s grasp, a “Luigi Green” saber already shining in his left. “You have slain MY Apprentice – one I picked on the Russia version of my show, The Apprentice. Now, thanks to that, once I finish you, I will control Vanuatu, the United States, Coruscant, AND Russia. Then, I will make the whole GALAXY great again!”

The strange orange alien with a fuzzy, hair-like growth on his head chuckled, wrapped head-to-toe in a red cloak made out of “MAGA” hats overlaid on an awkwardly-drawn American flag with the incorrect number of stars and stripes on it.

“Kamala… or, should I say… Darth Ka-Maula…” former President Trump smiled in the light of his two stolen lightsabers, glowing bright in each of his hands from the fallen Apprentices of the two Dark Lords now facing off against one another at last. “Winning is literally my thing. What chance do you think you have against someone like me?”

“Winning may be something you excel at…” the Vice President spoke calmly, using the Force to bring her lightsaber ring weapon back into hand. “But, if I recall correctly, the only time someone stopped you from winning… it was an election, it was last year, and it was ME.”

Trump’s eyes filled with fury, but he said nothing to his confident opponent.

“What’s wrong? Nothing to say without Twitter to hide behind?” Kamala mocked, raising her weapon in challenge to the 45th President.

“I’m going to beat you so bad even a Dominion voting machine can’t put you back together again…” Trump smiled, charging at Kamala as the two clashed blades in an epic cascade of sparking flashes of light.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the background, a third figure watched over the battle, interlacing her fingers and smiling silently to herself, cloaked in a shadow of the Force so thick that even the Dark Lords clashing before her had no idea she was even there at all.

“Excellent…” Kathleen Kennedy smiled over the battle as Kamala and Trump battled evenly against one another in a tremendous display of swordsmanship and skill. “I’m not sure which of the two of them will win in the end. But, whichever one does… I will make them MY new apprentice…”

A cold chill filled the hearts of everyone in the galaxy.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Warning to Hill Valley Residents – Entire Town Will Go “Back to the Future” at 2 AM

(Original Post: March 13, 2021)

Hill Valley, California – Residents of the sleepy town of Hill Valley were less than amused late last night when a man, looking suspiciously like a younger Christopher Lloyd, began running through the streets of their small suburban utopia screaming about time travel.

“Everyone, you have to prepare yourselves!” Emmett “Doc” Brown explained, waking everyone up at the nocturnal hour of 2 am this morning. “Based on my calculations, this time tomorrow, everyone and everything in this town will go… ‘Back to the Future’. One hour in the future, to be precise, and everything that would otherwise occur between the hours of 2 am and 3 am on Sunday, March 14th, 2021 will cease to exist!”

“We know!” A rather irritated looking woman shouted back through the second floor window of her townhouse as “Doc” Brown ran by screaming. “It’s called Daylight Savings Time! Leave us alone!”

“You KNOW about this???” Mr. Brown stopped in his tracks, looking confused. “If they know about the future, then someone else in this town must have gained access to my DeLorean. The only explanation is that someone used the DeLorean to time travel into the future, found out about the missing hour on March 14th, and then returned to this time and told everyone about it. But, to what end? Great Scott, the consequences to the fabric of time and space itself from such interference will be enormous!”

“Yo, Doc… I think maybe we should go home and take those pills I was trying to give you earlier. You know, the ones that make you less like a bad movie character.” a strangely hip young Michael J. Fox lookalike rushed up to the old man a little winded, having been unable to find a hoverboard to help him catch up to the ranting and running old man more quickly after learning of his escapades. “Einstein hasn’t been fed in like a week, and the ASPCA have left like five letters on your door. I don’t think Daylight Savings Time is going to change any of that.”

“YOU know about it, too?” “Doc” Brown eyed his young comrade suspiciously. “But… how? Don’t tell me… YOU’RE the one who took the DeLorean to the future and told all these people about the time skip ahead of me???”

“No, it’s like… Benjamin Franklin started all this. I think.” the orange-jacketed young man scratched his head trying to remember the details of a history class that occurred off-screen. “It’s to ration daylight. So it’s brighter during normal business hours no matter what time of year it is. Any of this ringing a bell?”

“I should have known it was that Franklin chap that started all of this…” the old man’s eyes narrowed, a look of fierce determination in his gaze. “Get my Hoveround, Marty… We’re going to go give ‘Poor Richard’ something to almanac about.”

When residents woke up and began investigating the strange screaming that had disturbed their sleep over the course of the night, not a soul in Hill Valley could locate the man who calls himself “Doc Brown” or the young scruffy-headed teenager who had been trying to get him to take his medication. However, when they began going about their business later that day, the more affluent members of their community noticed that the portrait in the middle of any $100 bills in their possession had changed overnight, replaced with a blurry photo of an old man with white hair sitting on a modern, electric motor scooter.

Members of a group calling themselves the “Legends of Tomorrow” appeared in their town shortly after, to investigate the “second instance of time travel that had occurred in California this week”, but nobody cared.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Mystery in the San Francisco Skies – Actual Starships from ‘Star Trek’ Time Travel to Stop Alex Kurtzman

[March 8, 2021]
San Francisco, CA – In a startling revelation with great potential consequences to the future of humanity, large space-faring warships belonging to the once thought fictional United Federation of Planets, Klingon Empire, and Romulan Star Empire from “Star Trek” continuity appeared in the upper atmosphere over 24-593 Federation Drive, future home of Starfleet Headquarters, with an ultimatum for the people of the United States – “Stop making terrible Star Trek.”

“This Alex Kurtzman P’Tok that writes your shows is defaming the future of our galaxy!” shouted the commander of the Klingon vessel, the T’Kala. “Our fallen brothers in Stovokor cry out in shame over the bleeding of their honor! This human Kurtzman portrays us as cannibalistic, Trump-supporting, bald orc MONSTERS who fly pyramid ships through the stars like imbeciles!”

“We do not approve of the humanistic propaganda in your ‘Star Trek: Picard’ that claims the Romulan Star Empire lacks enough ships to even evacuate its own citizens from its homeworld in the event of a disaster.” Added Commander Revok of the Romulan Bird of Prey, the Va’nera. “What kind of threat would we be to your Federation in ‘The Next Generation’ if we didn’t even have more than a handful of ships to our name? As our misguided Vulcan cousins would say, that is highly illogical. Two can play at this misguided war of false information, Humans.”

“Give them a chance!” Alex Kurtzman replied, in a message sent to the ships hovering over San Francisco from a safe underground bunker at an unspecified location nearby. “I know you all are obsessed with Star Trek being EXACTLY how it used to be, but give my shows a chance! They’re full of love! And really stupid things! Love and really stupid things! Kind of like a family!”

“A woman from an alternate universe in the distant past defeated a hologram from far in the future by blinking at it,” replied Captain John Tolliver of the U.S.S. Everlast. “How does that even work?”

“Uh…” Kurtzman stuttered.

“Romulan agents blew up the shipyards building a fleet to save our people in the Romulus system from being annihilated by a supernova blast.” Commander Revok of the Va’nera added. “Why would we do such a thing?”

“Well…” Kurtzman swallowed hard.

“That honorless woman that stars in your ‘Lower Decks’ garbage said all Klingons have apostrophes in their names.” Captain Kah’lok of the Klingon T’Kala interjected, angrily. “That is racist human filth! Has she not heard of the great Kang and Kodos? What of the Federation’s own Lieutenant Commander Worf? Have you not even heard of HIM???”

“I, uh… I don’t know who that is.” Kurtzman scratched his head.

The Klingon ship charged its weapons.

“Wait, all of you, listen to me, I’m sure there’s a better way!” another signal appeared from somewhere in the area, broadcast to the gathered starships from a nearby television studio in Los Angeles, this time from former Star Trek child actor, Wil Wheaton, who played the character, “Wesley Crusher” on “The Next Generation”. “If I learned anything from my time on TNG, it’s that aggression and violence never solve anything. Come on, Everybody, let’s come together and believe that!”

The Klingon ship fired immediately on Wil Wheaton’s location and nothing more was ever spoken of the matter by anyone.

“Wait, let’s… sit down… and… talk… about this… together.” Another Star Trek actor intervened, hailing the future ships from a fan replica of the original series Enterprise given to him as a gift for reading a fan script with him. “This is… Captain… James T. Kirk… played by… Bill Shatner. I am… pleading with you… in the… name of peace… You must… stand down… and… listen to me…”

“It appears that man is having a seizure.” a science officer on the bridge of the U.S.S. Everlast noted, as their crew attempted to decipher the cryptic communication. “He keeps… stopping and starting his sentences. Is it some kind of code?”

Before any of the ships from the future could understand what William Shatner was talking about, another ship from the future, who had apparently followed the first three ships through the same convenient “anomaly of the week” they used to appear here, emerged at once above the innocent San Francisco skies and began immediately firing some kind of advanced tractor beam at Alex Kurtzman’s location.

“Resistance is futile. Your future and your lore will be assimilated.” the Borg Cube announced, as the other three ships from the future raised their shields and began firing their weapons in vain against the massive block of interlocking technology. “Once the future of the Alpha Quadrant becomes known to the Borg in its entirety, we can alter our strategies to more quickly assimilate the species in your sectors.”

“Wait… strange alien ship… you must not absorb that… contradictory… nonsense…” William Shatner tried in vain to hail the Borg ship from his apparently somewhat working fan replica of the Enterprise. “Your minds… cannot… handle… the… terrible… writing!”

The Borg Ship exploded.

“No…” William Shatner ripped off his shirt while overacting before a nonexistent studio audience. “I… tried… to… warn them.”

“It’s alright! We managed to beam Alex Kurtzman onto the Everlast in the very nick of time.” Captain John Tolliver announced, as his Galaxy-class ship cancelled Red Alert status upon confirmation of the Borg Cube’s destruction. “Funny how Federations ships always manage to do that when stuff explodes.”

“Come on, then, let’s return to the future. We can deal with this… Kurtzman… once we are back in our time.” Captain Kah’lok shouted, before returning with the Federation and Romulans back to the 24th century.

“Good, they think they’ve settled things.” a voice echoed quietly amongst the Los Angeles rubble created by the Klingon ship T’Kala’s disruptors. A few seconds later, a smiling Wil Wheaton phased back into regular space using the reality warping powers taught to him by “The Traveller” on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”, laughing quietly to himself as he watched the starships from the future escape in the fading light of their impulse engine exhaust. “They think they’ve stopped me, because they took away Kurtzman. They have no idea. I can EASILY find another to take his place.”

Wil Wheaton smiled before looking directly at nearby passersby and talking to them as if they had any idea who he was or what he was talking about.

“All of the destruction of ‘Star Trek’,” he began, “reducing it from a beloved, intellectually-driven franchise about optimism and hope for the future, into a bland, dark, dystopian mishmash of generic science fiction concepts executed with no emotional or philosophical depth. It was me. It was ALWAYS me. I hated them for making me ‘Wesley Crusher’. I hated them for making me a laughing stock. Now I will make TREKKIES look pathetic! I will make ‘STAR TREK’ the laughing stock. I will show EVEN THE FUTURE ITSELF what it’s like to be the butt of everyone’s jokes! I will make everyone pay for all those videos on YouTube that compile together all the cast members of TNG saying ‘Shut up, Wesley.’ to me…”

Laughing maniacally with a standard evil Bond villain laugh, Wil Wheaton then turned once again to the stunned passersby gathered around him in the wreckage of the Los Angeles studio he had been scheming in when the ships from the future appeared.

“What, no ‘villain reveal’ song after I show my true colors to the world?” Wil Wheaton frowned. “I really need to find my way onto Disney Plus. If I was a secret villain on Disney Plus, they definitely would have given me a catchy ‘villain reveal’ song.”

According to sources close to “The Eye of Zatara”, Alex Kurtzman has not been seen on the planet Earth since the appearance of the strange ships from the future. Wil Wheaton, however, now confirmed live and well, has been spotted multiple times in the California area, sitting down with LucasFilm’s own Kathleen Kennedy of Star Wars sequel trilogy “fame”, and whispering to her as if offering her some kind of deal.

[SATIRE] Emperor Palpatine Faces Backlash for Misreporting Alderaan “Weapons Test” Deaths of 2,000,000,000 as “0”

[February 28, 2021]

Imperial City, Coruscant – Tyrannical dictator of the multi-planetary Galactic Empire, Sheev “Darth Sidious” Palpatine, has come under fire by galactic news services after reports came to light that he had miscounted the number of deaths that resulted on the planet Alderaan from an “accidental weapons test” of the Empire’s new “emergency self-defense weapon”, the “Death Star”, from an estimated 0 deaths as originally reported by the Empire last year, to an estimated 2,000,000,000 deaths as revealed by new reports early last week.

“It was an honest miscalculation,” the Emperor explained in a press conference held Friday afternoon from a dark-lit room filled with white armored Stormtroopers pointing laser rifles at the head of the gathered reporters. “Surely, you cannot fault an old man for a simple miscalculation…”

The Emperor smiled beneath his dark hood as but a single intrepid reporter, Michael Hamden-Skywalker, of Space CBC News, shakely rose his hand to ask the undisputed sovereign ruler of galactic space a question about the misreported numbers. The Emperor tried to force the reporter’s hand down with a tug from the Dark Side of the Force, but Hamden-Skywalker’s high midichlorian count allowed him to resist the simple manipulation.

“Yes, my child? What would you like to ask me?” the Emperor’s eyes glowed a fiery yellow as he locked eyes with the rebellious young journalist.

“Yes, my Emperor-ship, I, um… Well, in addition to new reports showing that, in stark contradiction to your previous claims, billions upon billions of people died in the ‘weapons test’ of the ‘self-defense weapon’ you decided to name the ‘Death Star’ for some reason, I have also heard that the Death Star itself has now unexplainably exploded, resulting in another 1,148,309 fatalies, and the loss of Grand Moff Tarkin, one of the highest ranking commanders in the Imperial Fleet. Is there any truth to these rumors, Lord Palpatine?”

The Emperor wrung his hands and frowned. Michael Hamden-Skywalker continued.

“Also, reports have come out from some of the female staff that serve with you in the Imperial Palace that you have been sexually harassing them, asking them to play ‘Strip Sabacc’ and asking if they’ve ever been involved with ‘astronomically older men’. Do you have a comment in response to these allegations?”

“These are not the questions you wish to ask me…” the Emperor whispered while making a strange hand-swiping gesture with the gnarled, snow-white skin of his right claw of a hand. “These are not the rumors you have heard about me. I am doing an excellent job of leading the Galactic Empire, and I am a perfect gentlemen with all of the staff in the Palace.”

“Princess Leia Organa, formerly of the Planet Alderaan that we have mysteriously lost contact with after your weapons test, reports that you have been repeatedly texting her ‘The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.’ with strange pictures of yourself attached.” Hamden-Skywalker continued, unphased by the Emperor’s Jedi mind trick. “And, even Darth Vader, your second-in-command of the Empire, has come out and called you a ‘Bully’, saying you should be stripped of your Imperial powers. Are you afraid of facing a recall from the citizens of the Empire like Governor Sauron of Middle-California?”

“Oh, look, the Rebel Alliance has broken into my press conference and attacked my favorite reporter from Space CBC News with some kind of terrible lightning weapon…” the Emperor lamented loudly as all of the reporters around the clueless Michael Hamden-Skywalker suddenly scattered. “It is such a shame that no one got to hear any of the great questions he had in mind to ask me when I invited him to this press conference today. Truly a great loss for the Empire.”

“I don’t…” Hamden-Skywalker stammered out a confused answer before the first arcs of Force Lightning made everything clear to him. “Wait, no! Don’t tase me, Bro! Gegegegegegegegegege… I HOPE THEY BRING YOU BACK IN ANOTHER STAR WARS SEQUEL MOVIE!”

Despite the disappearance of most of the reporters involved in the Emperor’s press briefing on Friday, the galactic media continued to press harder and harder against the Emperor regarding the various allegations accumulating against him, forcing him to finally give a public statement on the matter to media outlets over the weekend.

“You think I am evil? If you strike me down, you will face something more powerful than you can possibly imagine!” the Emperor hissed threateningly in a brief interview with sympathetic press on NIR, National Imperial Radio, this Sunday evening. “If I go, the Walt Disney Corporation will take over the Galactic Empire in my stead. Then, you shall see the face of true evil!”

Reporters were sent late Sunday evening to the Walt Disney Corporation to request a comment on the remarks made by Emperor Palpatine a few hours earlier, but they have not returned. Rumors suggest they were forcibly made into characters for new Star Wars “The High Republic” novels, and then laughed out of existence due to their poor designs. Michael Hamden-Skywalker’s belongings were found early this morning by Imperial scouts on Tatooine, scarred with lightning and scattered near the edge of a Sarlacc Pit.

In other news, Emperor Palpatine has won an Emmy Award for his charming, reassuring banter with the public during the terrible “Hoth Offensive” instigated by the Rebel Alliance on a distant snow planet.

[SATIRE] Baby Yoda Fired from “The Mandalorian” After Re-Tweeting “Gurgle Gurgle” to Gina Carano Post

[February 14, 2021]

San Francisco, CA – Speculation is rife about Season 3 of LucasFilm’s “The Mandalorian” after yet another actor has been released from their contract due to “abhorrent and unacceptable” posts on their social media accounts. Earlier this week, Gina Carano, who plays the popular Rebel droptrooper Cara Dune, was terminated from LucasFilm after refusing to vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris during the 2020 Presidential elections, which she followed up by posting non-conformist, mildly conservative things on her Instagram and Twitter accounts, such as refusing to identify her pronouns in her Twitter bio and reminding people it is not good to hate someone solely for their political ideology.

This week, Disney-imagineered puppet, “Baby Yoda”, showed support for Cara Dune’s radical statements after re-tweeting one of her more egragious posts to his own social media account with the added caption “*gurgle, gurgle*”, which was said in an “affirmative tone” according to several prominent puppet language experts.

“Some have speculated that Baby Yoda, being a child-like puppet, is not aware how to properly use a smart phone, and may have re-Tweeted Cara Dune’s posts by mistake,” explained high level LucasFilm executive S.P. Alpatine, during a press conference on the little green Mandalorian Star’s firing early Friday afternoon. “They have noticed that in addition to the offensive tweets of Cara Dune, Baby Yoda has also re-Tweeted posts from the social media accounts of Bill Clinton, Barbara Bush, the Twitter account for the monument Mount Rushmore, a Twitter account belonging to a 21 year old College student from Oregon that goes by ‘Travis’ who hasn’t posted in three years, and the Twitter for some truly wicked soul committed to the Dark Side of the Force by the name of Darth Sidious, who is in no way myself under another name.”

“Those of us belonging to The Senate… I mean Lucasfilm,” S.P. Alpatine continued, “Have concluded, however, that all of these re-tweets were intentional. Yes, including the one from Travis about how the card shops that sell Yu-Gi-Oh! cards in his hometown have no selection. Baby Yoda is an avid member of the competitive Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament scene, we are claiming. As a result, we have no choice but to terminate the small green animatronic doll from all future LucasFilm projects, to replace him down the road with… I don’t know… Danny Devito, maybe? His politics are right, at least.”

“When I heard that someone other than Gina was being fired from LucasFilm for their tweets, I kind of freaked out.” explained lead actor for “The Mandalorian”, Pedro Pascal. “After all, I compared Trump supporters to the Civil War Confederate Army and World War II German Nazis a month or so ago. Guess no one noticed those posts. Tough break for the kid, though. I’ll miss working with the little guy.”

“If anyone was going to fire you, it would be for being a part of that terrible Wonder Woman 1984 movie,” S.P. Alpatine responded from the crowd, apparently stalking the actors of The Mandalorian now to ensure further compliance with his “plans”. “Do not worry, however. All is proceeding as I have foreseen it…”

Hashtag #CancelDisneyPlus which has been trending on Twitter since Gina Carano’s cancellation, and may only gain more support with the firing of Baby Yoda. LucasFilm President Kathleen Kennedy was questioned about the firing of Baby Yoda, but refused to officially comment except to say, “While it would be unfortunate, if The Mandalorian collapses, I suppose we could always re-direct the resources to a new Star Wars project… like more ‘High Republic’ novels, a Rey spin-off movie, or maybe… that new sequel trilogy Rian Johnson is just aching for the public to see.”

She then began to cackle and laugh maniacally as her face turned ghost white and lightning crackled powerfully from her fingertips, striking George Lucas’ car outside a nearby Los Angeles restaurant and melting it into the shape of a Sith emblem.

[SATIRE] North Korea Abandons Conventional Arms, Announces “Moon-Sized Space Station with Turbo Laser Technology”

[Original Post: May 4, 2017]

Pyongyang – After several failed missile and nuclear weapon tests have slowed down his efforts for a “Super-Mighty Pre-Emptive Strike” against America, megalomaniacal North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has reportedly abandoned plans to threaten the rest of the world with conventional weaponry, and is now planning on building some sort of “tremendous moon-sized space station armed with turbo laser technology capable of vaporizing planetoids”. Throwing away their crayon on construction paper drawings for liquid fuel rocket technology, North Korean scientists (all three of them) are hurriedly getting out their tracing paper and colored pencils to begin the first stages of creating what Kim Jong-Un has promised to be “the end of that rotting Old Republic, America, and the birth of a glorious new Empire”.

South Korean officials, concerned about North Korea’s new plans, are already theorizing ways to stop Kim Jong-Un’s military scientists before completion of their new weapon, either by stopping the creation of the massive planet-destroying space station outright, or by subtlely sabotaging it in some way to create an exploitable weakness that can be used to destroy the super weapon in the event that Kim Jong-Un is ever able to successfully complete it, possibly hidden in some sort of minor sub-system that would be easy for North Korean scientists to overlook like waste disposal or thermal exhaust ventilation.

Also troubled by the new development in North Korea, President Trump has announced plans to send over two dozen of the nation’s latest military fighter craft, state-of-the-art new fighter jets developed by Lockheed Martin with a revolutionary “folding wing” design technology, which will aid the South Korean air force in the event of all out war against North Korea’s moon-sized space station. These prototype aircraft, currently bearing the experimental fighter plane designation XW-1-6 “Wingwalker”, are rumored to already be in transit now to an undisclosed South Korean military base on the Yavin Peninsula, to be piloted and deployed sometime next week by South Korea’s legendary air force color guard, the Red and Gold Squadrons.

Naming his new theoretical weapon of mass destruction the “Red Star” (after the large red star in a moon-like field of white on the North Korean flag, an emblem that closely resembles this new weapon), Kim Jong-Un has repeatedly ignored all attempts by the United Nations to stop his plans to apparently destroy the entire planet Earth if it does not submit to him. Also confusing is Jong-Un’s simultaneous ultimatums that the West “destroy all the Jedi”, so that “only the Sith will remain”, puzzling Korean translators who speculate that “Jedi” may be an attempt by Kim Jong-Un to say the America word “jet”, as in jet plane, in the English tongue, and that the North Korean dictator is requesting all air forces worldwide to be dismantled if he is to be expected to stop building the Red Star. “Sith” is believed to be a similar error by the North Korean dictator while attempting to say the word “South” in English, although this translation is debated, as it seems unclear as to why the North Korean dictator would want “only the South [to] remain”. Some speculate he is not only mispronouncing, but incorrectly switching the English words for “North” and “South” while arrogantly attempting to mix two languages into his unstable demands.

Whatever the dictator’s intentions, it seems clear that the world community cannot simply allow him to continue with his plans to build a planet-destroying weapon right under their noses. Already, the North Korean dictator has become furious at the posting of a U.S. aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Alderaan, right off his territorial waters, threatening to make the American aircraft carrier his “first target” immediately after activating the completed Red Star space station. The European Union has already begun probing North Korea for more information about the super weapon, for the first time ever confirming their use of a secret, heavily classified combined European intelligence agency known as the “Bothnian Interest”, named after Scandinavia’s Bothnian Bay rumored to be in close proximity to the hidden location of their underground headquarters, confirming these “Bothnian” agents have already infiltrated and will continue to infiltrate North Korea for more information on their new weapon. In response, Kim Jong-Un threatened the European Union, saying coyly “You want information on my Red Star? Many Bothnians will die to bring you that information.” and “Their mission is not a legal one. It is a criminal one. A Rogue One. I will stop it.”

As Kim Jong-Un moves ahead with his creation of the Red Star super weapon, much of the world is forced to watch and wait, relying on the growing Alliance of nations unwilling to tolerate Kim Jong-Un’s potential domination of our world under threat of total planetary annihilation.

In other news, President of the United Nations General Assembly, Peter Thompson voluntarily stepped down today, being replaced by a new United Nations President more equipped to deal with the growing threat of Darkness posed by nations of North Korea, a quiet and soft-spoken man of mild temperament, Al Patine of the small island nation of Coruscant. The meek but wise Al Patine promised this morning “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.” He then smiled, slyly, and added, “I love democracy. I love… Earth.” before slinking away into the shadows of the room with a tall man with red body paint on his face, as well as another, more aristocratic looking man who seemed out-of-place as if he had been thrown into the whole situation at the last minute in place of someone else.

[SATIRE] CIA Releases Information on UFOs and Psychic Phenomenon; David Duchovny Surprisingly Uninterested

(Original Post: January 18, 2017)

As reported by multiple other news outlets within the last twenty-four hours, a CIA dump of thousands of pages of once classified documents has made information once only available by cumbersomely thumbing through archives in person now readily accessible by anyone with a computer or smartphone and a decent internet connection. In an “Eye of Zatara” exclusive follow-up on this unshockingly normal news, however, actor David Duchovny, known famously for his role as the UFO-hunting FBI agent Fox Mulder on the recently revived television series, “The X-Files”, is completely uninterested in these files, despite the inclusion of actual U.S. government reports of UFO sightings and details on the U.S. Army’s “Stargate Project” which investigated human psychic ability with a focus on remote viewing, the ability to psychically obtain information outside the capabilities of one’s other five senses and from a distance.

A source close to the “Man Behind Mulder” reported earlier on the actor’s behalf that “[…]while some of these documents are, admittedly, interesting in my opinion, this is, unfortunately, not an opinion shared by Mr. Duchovny. It’s important to understand that while David may try to get into the mind of his characters on screen in order to accurately portray them to his audience, he, in fact, sometimes holds very different thoughts and opinions on various topics than do these fictional persons, as do all actors and actresses.”

When this source was asked by CBC News intern reporter (and “Eye of Zatara” reader!) Michael Hamden, Jr. if he was just saying that because “the Smoking Man is watching”, the source reportedly slammed the door in Michael Hamden, Jr.’s face, and refused further comment. Unable to get further information from anyone close to David Duchovny, Michael Hamden, Jr. attempted to follow-up with other actors from the “X-Files” TV show, including Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully) and Mitch Pileggi (Assistant Director Walter Skinner), to see if either of them had a message to the ever-manipulated American people about the secret information their government is clearly trying to hide from them, but that is now readily accessible via this Internet document release.

“How did you get this address?” Gillian Anderson reportedly told the eager young reporter, before motioning for a paid bodyguard to escort the CBC intern from her newly-acquired beachfront property on the northeastern coast of the Canadian province of Nova Scotia. “I just bought this house yesterday. What is with you paparazzi, anyway? I’m barely even on TV anymore. Why can’t you just leave me alone???”

Mitch Pileggi responded similarly.

“No, um… I’m sorry, you have the wrong condo. I’m not Mitch Pileggi. Uh…” the X-Files actor scrambled to come up with a cover story plausible enough to fool the intrepid but naive young reporter. “I’m his twin brother. Um… Rich Pileggi. Yeah, I don’t know where Mitch is. We’re estranged. We had a big fight a few years ago, and I haven’t spoken to him since. Good luck with your story, though. The elevator’s to the right at the hall if you’ve gotten lost in here or something. See you later, then.”

By the time Michael Hamden, Jr. realized he was being lied to, Mr. Pileggi had already closed and locked his condo door, in addition to alerting building security. Out of leads, the intern reporter returned to his original objective – getting a direct statement from David Duchovny on the subject, and staked out a hotel in Honolulu that the “X-Files” actor was rumored to be staying at on an impromptu vacation, eventually catching sight of the brooding actor as he returned to his room just after 2 am to get some rest following a late night luau on another noted actor’s private beach.

“Mr. Duchovny! Mr. Duchovny!” Michael Hamden, Jr. rushed over to the exhausted actor and celebrity with an old school tape recorder in his hand, startling Mr. Duchovny who hurriedly fumbled through his pockets for his key in a failed attempt to enter the exterior beach front door to his hotel room, a feature he had foolishly thought to be more luxurious and exclusive than a normal inner building hotel room entrance up until that very moment. “How do you feel about the details of the Stargate Project being made available for normal American citizens to search through online, along with other once classified government information such as UFO sightings? Do you and Scully have plans to go through this information together and see if you can uncover the truth about extraterrestial life hidden unknowingly within the likely-coded pages to reveal, at last, to the American public? Is that what you’re doing here in Honolulu? Meeting secretly with Scully?”

“Stargate Project?” Mr. Duchovny looked at Michael Hamden, Jr. feigning confusion after cobbling together an answer for the young reporter in the brilliant desperation of his incredibly irritated psyche. “Buddy, I don’t know what they told you, but you’ve got the wrong TV show. You should be bugging those SG-1 or Atlantis folks about this. I’m the guy who was on the X-Files. The government releases something new about Roswell, you come find me. Until then, go bother Richard Dean Anderson if you want a comment on Stargates.”

As the CBC news intern considered Mr. Duchovny’s words, he successfully slipped back inside and locked his hotel room door, forever ending their conversation at that point. Taking the “Man Behind Mulder”‘s words to heart, however, Michael Hamden, Jr. did, indeed, track down Richard Dean Anderson, one of the primary actors on successful science fiction television series “Stargate SG-1”, and was just about to board a plane to confront him at a hotel in Atlantic City when he was intercepted by his father, seasoned CBC News Reporter, Michael Hamden, Sr., who took away Michael Jr.’s credit card and reportedly “grounded him in his room like a child” until he was “ready to enter the grown-up world of real journalism”.

The following day, Richard Dean Anderson issued a detailed and elaborate report to the press regarding the information publicly disclosed on the Internet about the government’s Stargate Program, saying “I was hoping a reporter would put 2 and 2 together, and come and ask me about the Stargate Program directly. But, since none of them ever did, I figured I’d just go ahead and issue a general statement to the press myself. I’ve got some interesting insights into this topic I’m sure all American people are going to want to hear.”

Despite the bitter irony, neither Michael Hamden, Sr. nor Michael Hamden, Jr. followed up directly with Mr. Anderson for additional comment, perhaps due to rumors that CBC News abruptly terminated its “Intern Reporter” program as a result of extreme negative feedback received by the news organization individually from nearly every major actor and actress on the “X-Files”.

In a follow-up with internet news blog NowNews, however, Richard Dean Anderson failed to substantially elaborate on the shocking revelations of secret government conspiracy exposed by the independent letter he submitted to five major press agencies earlier that day, but did note that he ran out of ink in his only pen while hand-writing the world-shattering statement, almost preventing him from finishing it since he can’t type, but reportedly refilled the ink in the exhausted pen himself using nothing but a plastic cup, a few blackberries, some black paint scrapings, and a bendy straw.