[SATIRE] “Justice League” Movie News! – HBO Max Release of “Snyder Cut” to Be Joined by New “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”

[March 1, 2021]

New York City, New York – As many fans of DC universe superheroes like Superman, Batman, and the Flash wait for the upcoming release of the “Snyder Cut” of 2017’s DCEU “Justice League” movie, which is scheduled to be released on WarnerMedia’s “HBO Max” streaming service on March 18th, Jason Kilar, CEO of WarnerMedia has announced another new cut of “Justice League” that will also debut on March 18th alongside the Snyder Cut – the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut”.

“Many fans of the DCEU feel that the original cut of 2017’s ‘Justice League’ movie simply did not address the Justice League heroes’ love of America’s favorite Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover snacks.” Mr. Kilar explained in a small press briefing this morning outside WarnerMedia’s headquarters in New York.  “This cut of the movie, which features many new scenes of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, the Flash, and even Cyborg stopping to catch a breath in the middle of big action scenes to enjoy a bag of their favorite salty pretzel bites, will remedy that obvious mistake.”

When asked how he thought the new movie iteration would stand up to the long awaited ‘Snyder Cut’, Mr. Kilar held his ground.

“Sure, the ‘Snyder Cut’ may show a ‘better’ version of the painfully average ‘Justice League’ movie in a form that long-time fans of DC Comics superheroes will find satisfying,” the CEO conceded, before moving on to his bigger point.  “But what is more satisfying than a bag of Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover?  Nothing.  Frankly, I’m surprised my bosses still want to release the almost pretzel-less ‘Snyder Cut’ of the movie at all, knowing it’s going up against this bad boy.”

Asked if there would be any other changes to the movie other than the inclusion of scenes showing superheroes eating pretzels, Mr. Kilar smiled and happily elaborated.

“Yes, you know that thing that Lex Luthor did in ‘Batman v. Superman’ where he kept eating Jolly Ranchers in the weirdest possible way while making squeaky noises?” the CEO explained giddily to the slightly skeptical reporters gathered before him.  “Well, we’ve done some re-editing and a full voice over re-recording of Flash’s lines so now that’s literally ALL he does.  For the whole movie.  He’s like Lex Luthor 2.0, except… well, we’ve added Lex Luthor back in to the movie, too.”

“Also,” Mr. Kilar continued.  “Since ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ broke canon by having Wonder Woman be a superhero in the 80’s despite us originally saying in the DCEU that she disappeared from society after the events of the first Wonder Woman movie, we’re going to add in a scene later in the movie where Gal Gadot comes out and says ‘Remember what I said about not being Wonder Woman anymore since WWI?   I was just kidding.’  I know.  Brilliant, right?”

“Oh, oh, oh… and there’s this one more thing!  This is a big one!” the WarnerMedia CEO continued, as freaked out reporters started gradually walking away from the press conference hoping Mr. Kilar wouldn’t notice.  “Remember how Steppenwolf had like no personality in the original movie other than ‘generic CGI villain’?  Well, now he’s going to be a pro video gamer who plays Overwatch.  And instead of these box things he’s looking for being ‘Mother Cubes’ or whatever, they’re going to be special seasonal Loot Boxes redeemable in Overwatch.  See?  Now he has a clear motive for all the bad guy stuff he does in the movie!”

Following the WarnerMedia press conference with CEO Jason Kilar, Zach Snyder himself was asked for comment by senior reporter, Michael Hamden, of CBC News, to whom he gave a few thoughts on the “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover Cut” being added to HBO Max on March 18th alongside his own “Snyder Cut”.

“All is darkness.  Who are we, like gods, to choose what is life over what is death?  Insert slow motion fight scene.  Now, have Batman kill like five people.” Zach Snyder whispered in a hushed tone to Mr. Hamden, looking around wildly as if other people were in the room, but it was only Snyder and Hamden.  “Excuse me, now, I have to go rip off The Flash’s mask so I can reveal his identity to the world.  Please enjoy the ‘Snyder Cut’ of that one not terrible movie I made.  Bring popcorn, though, because it’s five hours long.”

In a final comment from WarnerMedia, Mr. Kilar tweeted that subscription numbers for HBO Max have more than tripled since the announcement of the “Snyder Cut” and the “Snyder’s Pretzel of Hanover Cut” were made.  “The Eye of Zatara” reached out to all five subscribers of HBO Max from before those announcements and confirmed, bandwidth for the service has been heavily strained since the number of subscribers recently leaped from five to something like sixteen or seventeen.  Eight of these new subscribers, however, have sworn to burn every streaming device in their house with fire should the “Snyder Cut” of “Justice League” be anything like “Wonder Woman 1984” in quality.   (Or “Tom & Jerry”.)

DISCLAIMER: “Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover” is not currently affiliated in any way with “The Eye of Zatara”, although we would like them to be.  If someone at this or any other pretzel company would like to join “Three Wolves” Brand Green Beans as one of our sponsors, please send the usual fifty-five cents and an expired Burger King coupon in an envelope to an address we will provide to you upon receipt of our first bag of discounted Snyder’s Pretzels of Hanover, and we will be in contact with you shortly to confirm our sponsorship.  That is all.

(If this becomes a YouTube video, insert ad for Displate, Raycon, or Raid: Shadow Legends here… Maybe SurfShark?)

[SATIRE] Emperor Palpatine Faces Backlash for Misreporting Alderaan “Weapons Test” Deaths of 2,000,000,000 as “0”

[February 28, 2021]

Imperial City, Coruscant – Tyrannical dictator of the multi-planetary Galactic Empire, Sheev “Darth Sidious” Palpatine, has come under fire by galactic news services after reports came to light that he had miscounted the number of deaths that resulted on the planet Alderaan from an “accidental weapons test” of the Empire’s new “emergency self-defense weapon”, the “Death Star”, from an estimated 0 deaths as originally reported by the Empire last year, to an estimated 2,000,000,000 deaths as revealed by new reports early last week.

“It was an honest miscalculation,” the Emperor explained in a press conference held Friday afternoon from a dark-lit room filled with white armored Stormtroopers pointing laser rifles at the head of the gathered reporters.  “Surely, you cannot fault an old man for a simple miscalculation…”

The Emperor smiled beneath his dark hood as but a single intrepid reporter, Michael Hamden-Skywalker, of Space CBC News, shakely rose his hand to ask the undisputed sovereign ruler of galactic space a question about the misreported numbers.  The Emperor tried to force the reporter’s hand down with a tug from the Dark Side of the Force, but Hamden-Skywalker’s high midichlorian count allowed him to resist the simple manipulation.

“Yes, my child?  What would you like to ask me?” the Emperor’s eyes glowed a fiery yellow as he locked eyes with the rebellious young journalist.

“Yes, my Emperor-ship, I, um… Well, in addition to new reports showing that, in stark contradiction to your previous claims, billions upon billions of people died in the ‘weapons test’ of the ‘self-defense weapon’ you decided to name the ‘Death Star’ for some reason, I have also heard that the Death Star itself has now unexplainably exploded, resulting in another 1,148,309 fatalies, and the loss of Grand Moff Tarkin, one of the highest ranking commanders in the Imperial Fleet.  Is there any truth to these rumors, Lord Palpatine?”

The Emperor wrung his hands and frowned.  Michael Hamden-Skywalker continued.

“Also, reports have come out from some of the female staff that serve with you in the Imperial Palace that you have been sexually harassing them, asking them to play ‘Strip Sabacc’ and asking if they’ve ever been involved with ‘astronomically older men’.  Do you have a comment in response to these allegations?”

“These are not the questions you wish to ask me…” the Emperor whispered while making a strange hand-swiping gesture with the gnarled, snow-white skin of his right claw of a hand.  “These are not the rumors you have heard about me.  I am doing an excellent job of leading the Galactic Empire, and I am a perfect gentlemen with all of the staff in the Palace.”

“Princess Leia Organa, formerly of the Planet Alderaan that we have mysteriously lost contact with after your weapons test, reports that you have been repeatedly texting her ‘The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.’ with strange pictures of yourself attached.” Hamden-Skywalker continued, unphased by the Emperor’s Jedi mind trick.  “And, even Darth Vader, your second-in-command of the Empire, has come out and called you a ‘Bully’, saying you should be stripped of your Imperial powers.  Are you afraid of facing a recall from the citizens of the Empire like Governor Sauron of Middle-California?”

“Oh, look, the Rebel Alliance has broken into my press conference and attacked my favorite reporter from Space CBC News with some kind of terrible lightning weapon…” the Emperor lamented loudly as all of the reporters around the clueless Michael Hamden-Skywalker suddenly scattered.  “It is such a shame that no one got to hear any of the great questions he had in mind to ask me when I invited him to this press conference today.  Truly a great loss for the Empire.”

“I don’t…” Hamden-Skywalker stammered out a confused answer before the first arcs of Force Lightning made everything clear to him.  “Wait, no!  Don’t tase me, Bro!  Gegegegegegegegegege… I HOPE THEY BRING YOU BACK IN ANOTHER STAR WARS SEQUEL MOVIE!”

Despite the disappearance of most of the reporters involved in the Emperor’s press briefing on Friday, the galactic media continued to press harder and harder against the Emperor regarding the various allegations accumulating against him, forcing him to finally give a public statement on the matter to media outlets over the weekend.

“You think I am evil?  If you strike me down, you will face something more powerful than you can possibly imagine!” the Emperor hissed threateningly in a brief interview with sympathetic press on NIR, National Imperial Radio, this Sunday evening.  “If I go, the Walt Disney Corporation will take over the Galactic Empire in my stead.  Then, you shall see the face of true evil!”

Reporters were sent late Sunday evening to the Walt Disney Corporation to request a comment on the remarks made by Emperor Palpatine a few hours earlier, but they have not returned.  Rumors suggest they were forcibly made into characters for new Star Wars “The High Republic” novels, and then laughed out of existence due to their poor designs.  Michael Hamden-Skywalker’s belongings were found early this morning by Imperial scouts on Tatooine, scarred with lightning and scattered near the edge of a Sarlacc Pit.

In other news, Emperor Palpatine has won an Emmy Award for his charming, reassuring banter with the public during the terrible “Hoth Offensive” instigated by the Rebel Alliance on a distant snow planet.

[SATIRE] Justice League Recommends Superheroes “Double Mask” to Better Protect Their Secret Identities

[February 24, 2021]

Hall of Justice, Washington, D.C. – The superhero organization, Justice League of America, consisting of legendary stalwart defenders of the world such as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, has issued new recommendations to ground level superheroes on the streets of America and beyond – specifically, that when going into action, they “double mask” to better protect their secret identities from supervillains trying to rip off their capes and cowls to find out who they are.

“We’ve lost some good heroes lately…” Batman recounted to reporters gathered at the small Justice League press conference on their new “double mask” initiative.  “Just last month, the Joker ripped Nightwing’s mask right off his face, snapped a picture of him with a cell phone, and posted it right to Instagram before anyone could stop him.  If only he’d listened to me about wearing a second mask… he’d still be out there passive aggressively fighting crime alongside me sometimes.”

“I didn’t realize it when I went on the prowl, but one of the strings on my mask was a little frayed.” The Green Arrow explained, in a social media post supporting the new double mask recommendation, “There I was, fighting my archnemesis, Zach Snyder, (“The Director”), when there’s this… strong breeze out of nowhere, and my mask goes flying across the street into a subway entrance.  Good thing I’m CW version Green Arrow, and all of my friends and enemies already know my secret identity anyway.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about this whole double mask thing, guys.” the Flash chimed in, while trying to clean some blood off the side of his trademark red and yellow costume.  “I mean, I rush around town at approximately 90-150 miles per hour, and it’s hard enough to see through this mask/hood thing I’ve got going on at that speed.  I tried wearing a second mask the other day while cruisin’ around town on patrol, and… I kind of… crashed into a bunch of things.  A BUNCH of things.  I think I may have killed a man…”

“Come on, it’s not that hard to see in two masks.” Superman replied, having overheard Flash’s remarks with his super hearing and flown over to join the conversation faster than a speeding bullet.

“Says the guy who doesn’t wear any masks.” the Flash rolled his eyes.

“I am confused.  I don’t wear a ‘mask’, per se.  Should I wear a double tiara instead?” Wonder Woman chimed in, having made herself invisible to eavesdrop on the conversation, since making things invisible is apparently now one of her powers.  “I’m certainly not wearing a regular mask combined with my tiara.  I can’t breathe in those things.”

Despite some strong objections to the new policy, many superheroes affiliated with the Justice League have begun alterations to their costume to comply with the new “double mask” recommendation.  Others have begun testing a new “secret identity vaccine” that injects some of the Martian Manhunter’s shapeshifting cells into the face of a superhero to let them temporarily alter their appearance in the event that their mask is removed.

Few, however, have noted the strange hand of a powerful cosmic entity who calls himself “Dr. Forcey” in the creation of these new recommendations, one whose relentlessly controlling grip on the superhero industry is not to be trifled with by mortal men, and whose intellect surpasses all imagination.  He can do no wrong.  His superpower?  “Fact-checking” those who oppose his recommendations on social media, making them appear like crackpot lunatics, ostracizing them from all public discourse until they are completely ignored by society, shunned and abandoned even by the heroes and institutions created to protect them.  This is all for their own good, however, we have been assured.

Of the major Justice League of America superheroes, only Aquaman was unavailable for comment at this time on the new “double mask” initiative.  It is rumored this is because he is in an inpatient alcohol abuse rehabilitation center, after becoming addicted while trying to be “edgy”, a consequence of his addition to the DC Extended Universe movies.  Green Lantern was, however, available for comment, but would only say to one lone reporter, “No, I ain’t having any part of this mess.  You all figure it out.  It’s way too stupid on both sides right now.”  Supergirl and Hawkgirl agreed.

[SATIRE] Biden to Keep “Space Force”, Also Announces “MySpace Force” to Guard Americans Against “AOL Chat Rooms”

[February 23, 2020]

Washington, D.C. – In an unexpected announcement, U.S. President Joe Biden revealed in a press conference this morning that not only will he be continuing to add the “Space Force” to the U.S. armed forces, as initiated by the Trump administration, but will also be adding another new military branch known as the “MySpace Force”, in order to combat “misinformation” and “foreign government interference” targeting the population through “hip, new” social media outlets like “MySpace” and “AOL chat rooms”.

“In the digital age, we have to fight our enemies on the field of technology.” the President explained, while clearly reading what he was saying off of notes scribbled on the inside of his right hand with blue pen.  “And so, to prevent foreign… wait, what does that say?  Horse?  Worse?”

“That’s ‘Wars’…” the Vice President leaned in and whispered into the 46th President’s ear.

“Bratwurst?  No, thank you, I’m not hungry.” Biden continued, now abandoning his script entirely.  “Ok, listen, People, we  gotta band together to protect our folks in the red, white, and blue from Commie bullies using Yahoo! search engines and LiveJournals to target our kids.  To that end, the MySpace Force will be established to train digital soldiers to fight… What was I saying again?  Where am I?  Wait, no, get away, Kamala, I remember.  To fight the wars of the future on popular social media platforms like Myface, Spacebook, YouChat, and SnapTube.  It’s for the children, gosh darn it!

While most reporters simply bowed at the President’s feet in awe in response to his historic announcement, one asking him what flavor of ice cream he thinks will be the favorite of soldiers in the MySpace Force, intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr. from CBC News was not so elated.

“Wait, is this in addition to the ‘Voltron Force’ you said would be joining the Space Force last week?” Hamden Jr. asked, as the the President leaned down to respectfully sniff the hair of each reporter gathered at his feet one at a time.  “The one that you said would be building ‘multi-colored lion-shaped robots’ that can combine together to form ‘Voltron, Defender of the Universe’ and fight Russians with its ‘Lion Torches’ and ‘Blazing Sword’?  Also, isn’t that all from a cartoon from the 80’s?”

“Clearly, the President was joking about the Voltron Force…” Vice President Harris replied, stepping quickly up to the press conference podium to glare down the inexperienced CBC News reporter.

“Wait, I said that?” Biden chimed in unexpectedly.  “That sounds like a great idea!  Let’s do that instead, Kamala!”

“No, Joe, you don’t mean that…” the Vice President placed a firm hand on the President’s shoulder, increasing the pressure with a smile.

“Ow, not again!  My leg!  You’re breaking my leg!” Biden shouted, while flailing his arms frantically.  “Somebody, call Corn Pop!  I need back-up!”

“What the President means is that in addition to fixing the ‘Space Force’ debacle left to us by the criminal administration that preceded us,” the Vice President spoke to Hamden, Jr. calmly, but in a tone that scared him to the very core of his being, “We will also be investigating social media’s influence on our elections, especially as used by foreign powers to brainwash potential voters into believing things about our candidates and elections that are simply not true.  That is what the President means by a ‘MySpace Force’, as he calls it.  What quaint euphemisms he speaks in, doesn’t he?  We are not, of course, making this a branch of the armed forces.  That would be silly.”

“…we’re not?” the Vice President asked, trying unsuccessfully to sniff the Vice President’s hair while being held by her grip on his shoulder.

“No.”

As talking heads on American news networks fiercely debated the idea of adding a “MySpace Force” to the armed services, or to the U.S. government in general, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be adding a “Space Force”, a “MySpace Force”, AND a “Voltron Force” to the military of the country of Vanuatu, which he is now the allegedly elected leader of.

“Joe wants to do good things for the country.  I could believe that.  But his Vice President won’t let him.  So sad.” Donald Trump explained to SLNC News’ chief reporter, Timothy Gibbings, a few hours ago from Vanuatu’s capital of Port Vila.  “But I’m President of Vanuatu now, and we’re going to ‘Make Oceania Great Again.’  How can we make Oceania great again?  By controlling space, controlling social media, and also by creating lion-shaped robots to guard our wonderful Vanuatu oceans from liberals and terrorists – which are the same thing, by the way – in fact, it was just this morning that I was talking to the former President of Vanuatu before me who is now my butler, and I said ‘Moses, how can we make the world a safer place?’  And after crying about losing to me ‘unconstitutionally’ in an ‘election that didn’t happen’, he said something about hoping I was eaten by wild animals, and it hit me… we won’t just make lion robots to guard the oceans around Vanuatu – we’ll make tiger robots, too!  Everyone knows that tigers can beat lions in a fight, hands down.  They’re winners.  Like me.  Our lion and tiger robots will be better than anything that any President of Vanuatu OR the United States has made before me.  I guarantee it.”

President Biden was scheduled to appear in a follow-up press conference on the ‘MySpace Force” later this evening, but it has been postponed indefinitely due to the President being “all tied up today”.  Some visitors to the White House around this time reported hearing “Let me out, Kamala!” ringing through the halls near the residence portion of the mansion, but their Twitter accounts were banned when they tried to post about it.

[SATIRE] New PS5 Announced with Features for Most Loyal Customers – Playstation 5 “Scalper’s Edition”

[February 17, 2020]

San Meteo, California – In an unexpected announcement today, Sony Interactive Entertainment (SIE) President Jim Ryan revealed to reporters that the newest in their popular line of video console devices, the PlayStation 5, which was first made available to the public starting November 12th of last year, already has a new streamlined and upgraded version coming out that will be releasing to the public in very limited quantities starting as soon as the end of this month.

“We here at Sony Interactive Entertainment try to be as responsive as possible to our customers’ wishes,” Mr. Ryan explained to the reporters gathered at his San Meteo Headquarters earlier this afternoon, “So, we have decided to thank these very same customers by releasing a new version of the PlayStation 5 that is specifically tailored to the needs of those who have made our new product launch such a success.  As a result, the PS5-SE, or PlayStation 5 ‘Scalper’s Edition’, will be available for purchase for exactly five minutes and only for exactly five minutes on every major commercial store in the country’s website on a date to be announced to select persons on the Internet later this month.”

“The Scalper’s Edition will offer a variety of features that will help it to stand out against its normal Playstation 5 counterparts, features specifically suggested to us by the bots that have formed the bulk of Playstation 5 buyers.” Mr. Ryan continued, “This will include the ability to list itself on Craig’s List and/or Ebay with a single touch of a button on the side of the console, an official legal release from SIE absolving the purchaser of any and all legal responsibility for re-selling the PS5-SE at whatever marked up price that they wish, a box for the PS5-SE that looks like another PS5-SE and can be sold to gullible parents online who don’t know better, and a series of special ‘Lockdown’ codes that will allow the original purchaser to shut down the PS5-SE console at any given time from anywhere in the world allowing them to extort additional money from anyone they sell it to whenever they want for as long as the console is in someone else’s possession.”

“We believe these features will help the Playstation 5 to truly stand out from his major competiton, the X-Box Series X, which has not cornered as much of the scalper market as our console, and will struggle all the more to keep up with our scalper sales once these new features are added to our base PS5 product.” Mr. Ryan concluded.

Reporters were elated with the new announcement from Mr. Ryan, although most of them has no idea what a video game console was or how it worked, and immediately asked if the SIE President would take down their email addresses to notify them personally when the PS5-SE becomes available, hoping to purchase one for their children and grandchildren who were unable to obtain regular versions of the PlayStation 5 last November.

“Sure, I’ll take your email addresses.” Mr. Ryan nodded enthusiastically.  “But I will definitely make sure the consoles go on sale for a while before I actually notify you, so, by the time you receive an update from me to go and buy one, they will all be in the hands of our target customer base: bot-using internet scalpers.”

Microsoft has reportedly responded to this announcement by releasing a new X-Box version of their own, the X-Box Series XRSX-X, which is exactly like the regular X-Box Series X, except it has more letters branded on the outside of the console, and actually does work as a mini-fridge when not running games.

[SATIRE] Donald Trump Elected President of Vanuatu, According to Trump – Vanuatu People Respond “Please Send Help”

[February 15, 2021]

Port Vila, Vanuatu – In what is being described by him as a “landslide” victory, Donald J. Trump, the former 45th President of the United States of America, has apparently been elected the newly seated President of the small pacific island nation of Vanuatu effective immediately, according to Donald Trump himself and no other sources.

“Yeah that thing in the U.S. didn’t go so well.  So sad.  But I’m a winner.” Donald Trump explained to CBC News reporter Michael Hamden, apparently on vacation in the remote island nation when the story broke.  “I won the 2016 U.S. Presidential election.  I won the 2020 U.S. Presidential election.  And now I won the 2021 Vanuatu Presidential election.  Good for Vanuatu!  Now, we can make America great again… but in Vanuatu!”

When asked if he was surprised about the results of the Vanuatu election, sitting Prime Minister of the Parliament in Vanuatu, Bob Loughman, replied, “Very.  We only hold elections for President here in our country every 5 years, and the last President took office in 2017.  Not only that, but Presidents are elected by Parliament and the Presidents of Regional Councils, not by direct ballot of the people.  I’m not sure how Donald Trump got elected exactly.”

Now former Vanuatu President Tallis Obed Moses also weighed in, saying “This is worse than the time that Survivor filmed here.” and “Someone, please send help!”

“That’s fake news!” Donald Trump responded, when asked about the details of the election by CBC News later that day.  “CNN wants you to think there is a sitting President here in Vanuatu that I am ‘overthrowing’ in some kind of ‘insurrection’, but the people of Vanuatu have spoken.  I am their newly elected President, and will be building a golden throne here in the… whatever Vanuatu has for a White House… with which to rule their good people.  Fine people.  The best, in fact.  That’s why they voted for me!”

Correspondents for internet news site “NowNews” reached out for comment to former Vice President of the United States, Mike Pence, who replaced the Welch’s Grape Juice company as second in command of the nation in the first year of #45’s four year term, to which Mr. Pence replied, “By the grace of glorious heaven, what has he done? That man must be stopped!”

Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has already announced piles to file… another… impeachment charge against Donald Trump for his actions in Vanuatu, causing her colleagues to explain to the 79 year old Speaker that the Constitution has no provision for “impeaching” the politician of another country, even if they once held citizenship and office in the United States, to which the Madam Speaker replied, “What?  Constitution? What is this, Dungeons and Dragons? I don’t care about Constitution.  This is the rule of law we’re talking about!”

All in all, despite several popular hashtags trending on Twitter such as #freevanuatu, #sendhelp, #comegettrump, and #whereisvanuatu, many of the people of Vanuatu themselves seem to have begrudgingly accepted Trump as their new allegedly-elected President.

“President Trump has promised to film a new season of ‘The Apprentice’ here in Vanuatu, which will create many jobs.  He is also working on building a wall around Vanuatu to protect us from illegal immigrants which he assures us will be coming across… the ocean… to steal our existing jobs any day now.” one citizen explained to CBC News Reporter Michael Hamden later this evening.

U.S. President Joe Biden was asked about the situation in Vanuatu, but appeared not to understand the question.

“I tell you what, when I was growing up, I had a friend from Vanuatu.  Mackey B., we called him.  Now Mackey B. was a cool guy, but you didn’t want to cross him.  He would fight… errr… I would… well… One time, he fought for me against some bullies, but those bullies followed him back to his house and stood around outside waving sticks and rattling the fences saying ‘Come on out, Mackey B.  We’re going to get you.’  But back then, you see… we had these cars called Cadillacs and I had one of those, a nice one!”

President Biden’s answer to the question apparently continued on from this point, but no reporter was able to stand waiting in the room long enough to hear the rest of the gibberish.

[SATIRE] Baby Yoda Fired from “The Mandalorian” After Re-Tweeting “Gurgle Gurgle” to Gina Carano Post

[February 14, 2021]

San Francisco, CA – Speculation is rife about Season 3 of LucasFilm’s “The Mandalorian” after yet another actor has been released from their contract due to “abhorrent and unacceptable” posts on their social media accounts.  Earlier this week, Gina Carano, who plays the popular Rebel droptrooper Cara Dune, was terminated from LucasFilm after refusing to vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris during the 2020 Presidential elections, which she followed up by posting non-conformist, mildly conservative things on her Instagram and Twitter accounts, such as refusing to identify her pronouns in her Twitter bio and reminding people it is not good to hate someone solely for their political ideology.

This week, Disney-imagineered puppet, “Baby Yoda”, showed support for Cara Dune’s radical statements after re-tweeting one of her more egragious posts to his own social media account with the added caption “*gurgle, gurgle*”, which was said in an “affirmative tone” according to several prominent puppet language experts.

“Some have speculated that Baby Yoda, being a child-like puppet, is not aware how to properly use a smart phone, and may have re-Tweeted Cara Dune’s posts by mistake,” explained high level LucasFilm executive S.P. Alpatine, during a press conference on the little green Mandalorian Star’s firing early Friday afternoon.  “They have noticed that in addition to the offensive tweets of Cara Dune, Baby Yoda has also re-Tweeted posts from the social media accounts of Bill Clinton, Barbara Bush, the Twitter account for the monument Mount Rushmore, a Twitter account belonging to a 21 year old College student from Oregon that goes by ‘Travis’ who hasn’t posted in three years, and the Twitter for some truly wicked soul committed to the Dark Side of the Force by the name of Darth Sidious, who is in no way myself under another name.”

“Those of us belonging to The Senate… I mean Lucasfilm,” S.P. Alpatine continued, “Have concluded, however, that all of these re-tweets were intentional.  Yes, including the one from Travis about how the card shops that sell Yu-Gi-Oh! cards in his hometown have no selection.  Baby Yoda is an avid member of the competitive Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament scene, we are claiming.  As a result, we have no choice but to terminate the small green animatronic doll from all future LucasFilm projects, to replace him down the road with… I don’t know… Danny Devito, maybe?  His politics are right, at least.”

“When I heard that someone other than Gina was being fired from LucasFilm for their tweets, I kind of freaked out.” explained lead actor for “The Mandalorian”, Pedro Pascal.  “After all, I compared Trump supporters to the Civil War Confederate Army and World War II German Nazis a month or so ago.  Guess no one noticed those posts.  Tough break for the kid, though.  I’ll miss working with the little guy.”

“If anyone was going to fire you, it would be for being a part of that terrible Wonder Woman 1984 movie,” S.P. Alpatine responded from the crowd, apparently stalking the actors of The Mandalorian now to ensure further compliance with his “plans”.  “Do not worry, however.  All is proceeding as I have foreseen it…”

Hashtag #CancelDisneyPlus which has been trending on Twitter since Gina Carano’s cancellation, and may only gain more support with the firing of Baby Yoda.  LucasFilm President Kathleen Kennedy was questioned about the firing of Baby Yoda, but refused to officially comment except to say, “While it would be unfortunate, if The Mandalorian collapses, I suppose we could always re-direct the resources to a new Star Wars project… like more ‘High Republic’ novels, a Rey spin-off movie, or maybe… that new sequel trilogy Rian Johnson is just aching for the public to see.”

She then began to cackle and laugh maniacally as her face turned ghost white and lightning crackled powerfully from her fingertips, striking George Lucas’ car outside a nearby Los Angeles restaurant and melting it into the shape of a Sith emblem.

[SATIRE] F.B.I. “Most Wanted” Criminal Arrested in Costco After Shopping With Expired Membership Card

[Original Post: September 30, 2017]

New Orleans, LA – After spending nearly ten years on the run from local, state, and federal authorities scattered across the southeastern United States from North Carolina to Texas, it was with great joy today that New Orleans Deputy Police Commissioner Andre T. Jeffries announced the capture and arrest of F.B.I. “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, wanted for multiple individual counts of murder, murder for hire, arson, vandalism, terroristic threatening, and over a dozen other serious misdemeanors and felonies, after Mr. Thompson was caught shopping at a local area Costco store without an active membership card.

“It was the darnedest thing,” explained local New Orleans resident and Costco member, Randolph Winter, who witnessed Mr. Thompson’s arrest firsthand earlier this morning, “Here he was, trying to buy a box of like… 100 tangerines for one ridiculously low price, and some fuses or something, too, I think, when, suddenly, the cashier just flat-out asked him, ‘Sir, can I see your membership card, please?’  At first, the man kind of fidgeted and tried to make some excuses, but, after a few minutes of that, he finally just fessed up and admitted that he didn’t have a membership anymore, at which point, what looked like basically a small football team of employees bull-charged him and threw him violently to the ground.  By the time someone realized he was on the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list, the guy was already hog-tied with most of a box of 100 extension cords being sold for $3.99 and was being force fed samples of dried cranberries by an overeager demo lady.  Once the police arrived, he was already curled up in a ridiculously plush down comforter in the fetal position, crying, and asking for more cranberries.”

When asked how long Mr. Thompson had been residing in the New Orleans area, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries stated the authorities weren’t sure.

“We are continuing to investigate Mr. Thompson’s time in New Orleans, including when he arrived, how he arrived, how he managed to stay under our radar since his arrival, and why he let his Costco membership expire.  Fortunately, thanks to some excellent policing by an OCD Jewish guy, two weird friends who constantly joke about 80’s movies, and a bunch of kids in a hippy van with a morbidly obese talking dog, we do, at least, have a working theory.” the Deputy Commissioner stated, in response to an energetic question from intern CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, Jr..  “A few hours ago, we confirmed that Mr. Thompson did have a legitimate Costco membership card on his person, but the card expired at midnight last night.  It may be that Mr. Thompson has been residing in this same Costco retail store continuously for months, if not years, completely unnoticed by the overly friendly and unfathomably helpful Costco employees who then sustained him through the constant feeding of free samples to him and the unquestioned use of their reasonably priced and exquisitely relaxing home furniture.  Thompson got lazy, however, when he let his membership expire.  The moment he did, those happy, angelic little helper bees he had been relying on so heavily at Costco turned on him like freaky children of the corn from one of those scary horror/murder films my wife’s son from her first marriage likes to watch, and he had no choice but to scrounge up some change dropped by other members in the concession line to buy some tangerines with which to stay nourished.”

“We’re not sure why he was buying the fuses, though.” Deputy Commissioner Jeffries later added.

While Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries was eager to go into full detail about the arrest and extradition of F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, he was less inclined to comment on other rumors that another F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ criminal, ‘Most Wanted’ #36 Alvin Lee Guitierrez, may also be hiding out in the area, hidden in a local area Sam’s Club retail store, a competitor of Costco’s.

“While Mr. Guitierrez may, in fact, be hiding out in a New Orleans area Sam’s Club, it would be impossible for us to confirm this,” Deputy Police Commissioner Jeffries explained. “When’s the last time a Sam’s Club employee so much as looked at you at any point during your last shopping trip there?  We’ve brought in a rugged old police detective in a shabby tan trench coat from another precinct to help us check on this lead, but, in all likelihood, Mr. Guitierrez is completely safe in a Sam’s Club for the time being.”

“Deputy Commissioner Jeffries, a question.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., once again bombarded the long-time second in command of the New Orleans Police Department with a pertinent question.  “Even if that’s true, is it really ok for you to say something like that out loud?  I mean, wouldn’t that encourage more criminals, whether from the F.B.I.’s ‘Most Wanted’ list or not to hide out in Sam’s Club once they know that no one is really looking for them in there?”

Deputy Commissioner Jeffries shook his head.

“No, it would take a seriously damaged, criminally-twisted individual to be able to endure six months of experiencing poor customer service in order to hide out for any long period of time in a wholesale store other than a Costco.  Frankly, I just don’t think most men have it in them.”

“One more question please, Deputy Commissioner Jeffries.” CBC News intern reporter Michael Hamden, Jr., frantically waved his hand, literally climbing onto the shoulders of a taller reporter standing in front of him in order to be better seen by the assistant head of the New Orleans Police Department.

“Yes, yes, what’s your question this time, young man?  I have to take questions from reporters other than you sometimes, you know.”

“Oh, sorry, I understand, Sir.  This will be my last one.  I promise.” Michael Hamden, Jr. apologized, before continuing on with his query.  “Um, is it true that the Costco corporation donated over a million dollars to the New Orleans Police Department this year at your annual charity gala, and their logo will be stamped on the side of every police car in the city later this month?  I checked the F.B.I. ‘Most Wanted’ list earlier, and I couldn’t actually find anyone on it named Leonard ‘Iron Jack’ Thompson.  The only ‘Most Wanted’ list criminal seen in this area in months was this one shady guy who looks a lot like James Spader.  I get that you arrested someone from a Costco earlier this morning whose name is Leonard Thompson, but, um, are you sure it wasn’t just some sort of homeless guy down on his luck or something?  Also, you all are kind of talking up Costco a lot, while saying quite a lot of mean things about people who work at Sam’s Club, and-”

“PRESS CONFERENCE OVER.  I HAVE TO GO PICK UP MY STEP-SON FROM JUDO PRACTICE.  GOOD QUESTIONS, EVERYONE.  SEE YOU NEXT TIME.”

As Michael Hamden, Jr. finished his questions, the lights of New Orleans Police Headquarters’ Press Room were suddenly turned out, and the Deputy Police Commissioner as well as all of his staff had left by the time any of the reporters in the room could find a light switch.  Shortly after the Deputy Police Commissioner’s conference, however, the Deputy Mayor of the New Orleans held a similar press conference, lauding Deputy Commissioner Jeffries on his role in the arrest of Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, but regrettably also announcing the Deputy Commissioner’s sudden retirement from the job due to a rather severe flare-up of his childhood “Gut Bustetitis” illness.  Multiple sources close to the “Eye of Zatara” report that a man very similar in appearance to Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson was then seen stumbling awkwardly out the front steps of a local New Orleans Police Department building several hours later, before being escorted home by an irritated-looking officer in a freshly-painted, blue and white Ford Crown Victoria with a Costco logo on the side.

The F.B.I. declined to comment to “The Eye of Zatara” on the capture and arrest by the NOPD of supposed “Most Wanted” criminal #45, Leonard “Iron Jack” Thompson, except to say, “He had it coming to him.  He let his Costco membership expire.”

***

BONUS: In an exclusive “Eye of Zatara” related follow-up to this story, a 31 year old man claiming to have been the unknowing roommate of Mr. Thompson, the two of them having lived for almost six months hidden in the office supplies aisle of Costco behind a thousand black ink pens and a very expensive wall safe, also returned today to his former life, mumbling something incoherently to passing Costco employees about “finally updating his blog” and warning them to “watch out for wolves”.

In unrelated news, “The Eye of Zatara” is now being updated again.

[SATIRE] North Korea Abandons Conventional Arms, Announces “Moon-Sized Space Station with Turbo Laser Technology”

[Original Post: May 4, 2017]

Pyongyang – After several failed missile and nuclear weapon tests have slowed down his efforts for a “Super-Mighty Pre-Emptive Strike” against America, megalomaniacal North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has reportedly abandoned plans to threaten the rest of the world with conventional weaponry, and is now planning on building some sort of “tremendous moon-sized space station armed with turbo laser technology capable of vaporizing planetoids”.  Throwing away their crayon on construction paper drawings for liquid fuel rocket technology, North Korean scientists (all three of them) are hurriedly getting out their tracing paper and colored pencils to begin the first stages of creating what Kim Jong-Un has promised to be “the end of that rotting Old Republic, America, and the birth of a glorious new Empire”.

South Korean officials, concerned about North Korea’s new plans, are already theorizing ways to stop Kim Jong-Un’s military scientists before completion of their new weapon, either by stopping the creation of the massive planet-destroying space station outright, or by subtlely sabotaging it in some way to create an exploitable weakness that can be used to destroy the super weapon in the event that Kim Jong-Un is ever able to successfully complete it, possibly hidden in some sort of minor sub-system that would be easy for North Korean scientists to overlook like waste disposal or thermal exhaust ventilation.

Also troubled by the new development in North Korea, President Trump has announced plans to send over two dozen of the nation’s latest military fighter craft, state-of-the-art new fighter jets developed by Lockheed Martin with a revolutionary “folding wing” design technology, which will aid the South Korean air force in the event of all out war against North Korea’s moon-sized space station.  These prototype aircraft, currently bearing the experimental fighter plane designation XW-1-6 “Wingwalker”, are rumored to already be in transit now to an undisclosed South Korean military base on the Yavin Peninsula, to be piloted and deployed sometime next week by South Korea’s legendary air force color guard, the Red and Gold Squadrons.

Naming his new theoretical weapon of mass destruction the “Red Star” (after the large red star in a moon-like field of white on the North Korean flag, an emblem that closely resembles this new weapon), Kim Jong-Un has repeatedly ignored all attempts by the United Nations to stop his plans to apparently destroy the entire planet Earth if it does not submit to him.  Also confusing is Jong-Un’s simultaneous ultimatums that the West “destroy all the Jedi”, so that “only the Sith will remain”, puzzling Korean translators who speculate that “Jedi” may be an attempt by Kim Jong-Un to say the America word “jet”, as in jet plane, in the English tongue, and that the North Korean dictator is requesting all air forces worldwide to be dismantled if he is to be expected to stop building the Red Star.  “Sith” is believed to be a similar error by the North Korean dictator while attempting to say the word “South” in English, although this translation is debated, as it seems unclear as to why the North Korean dictator would want “only the South [to] remain”.  Some speculate he is not only mispronouncing, but incorrectly switching the English words for “North” and “South” while arrogantly attempting to mix two languages into his unstable demands.

Whatever the dictator’s intentions, it seems clear that the world community cannot simply allow him to continue with his plans to build a planet-destroying weapon right under their noses.  Already, the North Korean dictator has become furious at the posting of a U.S. aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Alderaan, right off his territorial waters, threatening to make the American aircraft carrier his “first target” immediately after activating the completed Red Star space station.  The European Union has already begun probing North Korea for more information about the super weapon, for the first time ever confirming their use of a secret, heavily classified combined European intelligence agency known as the “Bothnian Interest”, named after Scandinavia’s Bothnian Bay rumored to be in close proximity to the hidden location of their underground headquarters, confirming these “Bothnian” agents have already infiltrated and will continue to infiltrate North Korea for more information on their new weapon.  In response, Kim Jong-Un threatened the European Union, saying coyly “You want information on my Red Star?  Many Bothnians will die to bring you that information.” and “Their mission is not a legal one.  It is a criminal one.  A Rogue One.  I will stop it.”

As Kim Jong-Un moves ahead with his creation of the Red Star super weapon, much of the world is forced to watch and wait, relying on the growing Alliance of nations unwilling to tolerate Kim Jong-Un’s potential domination of our world under threat of total planetary annihilation.

In other news, President of the United Nations General Assembly, Peter Thompson voluntarily stepped down today, being replaced by a new United Nations President more equipped to deal with the growing threat of Darkness posed by nations of North Korea, a quiet and soft-spoken man of mild temperament, Al Patine of the small island nation of Coruscant.  The meek but wise Al Patine promised this morning “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling.  Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.”  He then smiled, slyly, and added, “I love democracy.  I love… Earth.” before slinking away into the shadows of the room with a tall man with red body paint on his face, as well as another, more aristocratic looking man who seemed out-of-place as if he had been thrown into the whole situation at the last minute in place of someone else.

[SATIRE] Ousted Bill O’Reilly Announces New “Killing” Series Book – “Killing My Career”

[Original Post: May 1, 2017]

New York, NY – Exactly one week after his abrupt ousting from the 8 pm time slot on the Fox News Channel, Republican news commentator Bill O’Reilly has announced the first major step in his unexpected career transition by moving up the timetable of his next mostly ghost written book, another in his recent series of “Killing” books which documents the death or downfall of a major historical person or party in the ever heart-stirring words of the charismatic and articulate Martin Dugard, (no, I don’t know who that is, either), his next likely New York Times bestseller apparently focusing on the public downfall of Mr. Bill O’Reilly himself, with the title “Killing My Career: How the No Spin Zone Spun Out Into the End Zone”.

Shortly after announcing his next work on social media, Bill O’Reilly sat down with CBC News veteran reporter Michael Hamden for an impromptu interview, in which he discussed both his departure from the Fox News Channel and his upcoming new book… sort of.

“I have no intention to bloviate, but I am a jocund, erudite intellectual possessing a clear and overwhelming conglomeration of sapience.  The cretins spreading delusive canards like a cudgel against my character are but anserine, obtuse rogues and chimeras who impugn my transcendent excellence armed with but rumors and bavardage.  I am no incubus.” Bill O’Reilly explained to a somewhat bewildered-looking Michael Hamden.  “In time, those varlets will reveal themselves as charlatans, and my true chivalry and sagacity will eminate prominently throughout this planetoid once again.”

“Uh… what?” Michael Hamden asked with a puzzled look on his face, quickly pulling up a dictionary on his cell phone while Mr. O’Reilly re-ordered his last statement and spoke again.

“They cavil against me, those peevish eldritch ninnyhammers!” Bill O’Reilly clarified (or halfway attempted to), as Michael Hamden looked cluelessly at him as if he were speaking an entirely different language than the veteran reporter.  “Vexation!  This is not arcane fandangle!  I am not a blatherskite!  Are you acting the farceur to infuriate me?”

“Ninnyhammer… that’s one of the four monthly vocabularly words on your BillOReilly.com website this month.  Are you… just using as many big words as possible to avoid answering my questions about the sexual harassment charges against you?” Michael Hamden asked, raising a suspicous eyebrow against the former master of the “No Spin Zone”, attempting to decipher Bill’s last comment using various references pulled up on his phone.  “Blatherskite… ‘A bloviator who goes on and on without making sense’.  That’s a ‘Word of the Day’ from March.  You’re literally just using all these unnecessary big vocabularly words from your website, aren’t you?”

“Uh… culture war.  Old school.  Um… Talking Points Memo?” Bill O’Reilly mumbled incoherently before running out of the CBC News studio as quickly as he could.  “PRODUCER, CUT HIS MIKE!!!”

A second interview between Michael Hamden and ghost writer of Mr. O’Reilly’s new “Killing” series book, Martin Dugard, was fortunately a little bit more enlightening.

“Why’d he choose to write a book about himself this time?” Mr. Dugard asked, quickly confirming Michael Hamden’s question for him before answering.  “Well, Why do you think?  So far he’s written books about the ‘Killing’ of George S. Patton, three popular American Presidents, the entire nation of World War II era Japan, and Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  Even before being fired from Fox, the only person Bill could think of to write about on the same level as figures like Lincoln and Kennedy is, of course, in his mind – himself.  Can you imagine spending every day working with a guy like that?”

Michael Hamden frowned, glancing at the Programming Director of CBC News watching his interview with Martin Dugard through a nearby window looking into Hamden’s office before looking back at Mr. Dugard.

“No, I can’t… Not at all.”

While overwhelmingly high pre-orders of his newly announced “Killing My Career” book have assured Bill O’Reilly’s continued presence in the public spotlight for several years to come, his departure from Fox News has led to other positive developments for several other Republican and conservative commentators still employed by the Fox News network.

“So, you bought a giant money vault on a hill with a golden dollar sign hanging on the outside in which to fill with a literal swimming pool of gold coins to kick and splash around in?” SLNC News reporter Timothy Gibbings asked new 8 PM time slot inhabitant, Tucker Carlson, the opinionist namesake of Fox News Channel’s new and popular “Tucker Carlson Tonight” show.

“Yes, what else would I do with the literal building worth of gold coins given to me by Fox News for anchoring their new weekday primetime line-up?” Tucker asked Timothy Gibbings while wielding his trademark, somewhat blank “What’s wrong with you?” stare.

“O…k…” Timothy Gibbings blinked uncomfortably, not even sure what to do with this interview going further, and unknowingly mumbling something about Trump being Hitler as a nervous twitch inherited from his recent, cult-like mainstream media “induction ceremony” upon joining SLNC News six months prior.

“Did you just compare Trump to Hitler?” Tucker asked, cocking his head slightly to the side in a convicting manner, having heard Timothy Gibbings’ quiet whispers with his nearly superhuman hearing.

“Uh… no, I said Trump works for Putin.” Gibbings caught himself with another quick, instinctual mainstream media comeback.  “Yes, I said Trump works for Putin.  That’s what I said.  And he didn’t go to the recent White House Correspondents’ Dinner, either.  Or pay any of his taxes last year.  What a tool, huh?  Total fascist, that one.”

Tucker Carlson blinked in feigned miscomprehension.

“And what does that have to do with my giant wasteful building of gold coins I swim in like old Scrooge McDuck from the classic Disney cartoon show, ‘Duck Tales’?”

“Uh…”

Several debate points later, Timothy Gibbings was on the floor crying like a baby, and Tucker Carlson had his lead segment for the next airing of “Tucker Carlson Tonight”.  Smelling blood in the water, Bill O’Reilly immediately announced the next book in his “Killing” series to be published in a mere two months from now, immediately after the public release of “Killing My Career”, this one called “Killing Timothy Gibbings: The Obvious Bias of the Mainstream Media Exposed”, a book title which immediately swept Mr. O’Reilly up into another big legal controversy, led by several high-paid lawyers for both SLNC News and for the now somewhat desheveled and tear-stained Timothy Gibbings, but also successfully managing to triple online pre-orders of both “Killing My Career” and “Killing Timothy Gibbings” by his die-hard followers and fans.

Mr. O’Reilly’s only official comment regarding the new legal controversy regarding his “Killing Timothy Gibbings” book was to publicly call Mr. Gibbings a “snowflake”.  When asked what he meant by this, Mr. O’Reilly merely smiled and told Mr. Gibbings’ lawyers they’d need to get a BillOReilly.com premium membership in order to find an answer to that.  He then handed each of them a signed copy of one of his books for being “fair and balanced” before breaking down crying at their feet.