[SATIRE] NCAA March Madness 2017 – The Official “Eye of Zatara” Brackets!

(Original Post: March 18, 2017)

In a developing story, “The Eye of Zatara” is now posting their official bracket selections below for the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship apparently taking place starting this week at sports venues… well, I don’t know, somewhere?  I guess?  I don’t follow a lot of sports.  Still, these are definitely the best brackets in the whole entire world, and I spent at least five minutes making them last night.

We’ll follow up at the end of “March Madness” to see how I did.  Enjoy your basketballing and home run goals everyone!  I hope your favorite team wins the Stanley Cup or whatever!!!

(Click each of the images to load them full size.)

EAST DIVISION

Insert Sports Here
Bossa Nova and Baylor Swift in the “Elite Eight”

WEST DIVISION

Sports Are For Nerds!
Lady GonzaGaga and Magneto (Uh Oh…) in the Elite Eight

MIDWEST DIVISION

Go, Sports Team, Go! YEAH!
Kansas and Kansas in the Elite Eight

SOUTH DIVISION

Sports are Like Ports, But More Plural, Because There's Also an S at the Beginning of the Word.
1987 Cadillac and Kentucky in the Elite Eight

FINALS/SEMI-FINALS

I'm Out of Sports Jokes Now Please.
Obvious 2017 Championship Winner: Baylor Swift Over Kentucky in a Close Final Game

OVERALL BRACKETS (FULL SIZE)

Property of the Gatekeeper! No Trespassors! Posted!
Look at the Pretty Colors..

More to follow in the coming weeks.  Stay tuned here, at “The Eye of Zatara”, for all your sports and Men’s Basketball related news needs!

EDIT: (Sorry, that’s a total lie.)

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] A St. Patrick’s Day Miracle! – Man Wakes Up After Night of Drinking in a Field of Lucky Zero Leaf Clover!

(Original Post: March 18, 2017)

New Orleans, LA – In what has been described by some as a “St. Patrick’s Day miracle”, 21-year-old New Orleans resident Ricky Lansing has awoken after a long holiday night of drinking, partying, and general revelry to find himself, to his surprise, in a wide field of “zero leaf clover” somewhere in St. Tammany Parish, an approximately one hour drive from the last place Ricky remembers being the night before, leading him to post a social media thank you to “the st patrks day elves or whtevr the hek tgis holladay’s about.  wait, not elbes, lepercons mayB?  thnk u, st patrks day lepercons!!@!  u rok!!  holy crp, man, sun is so brite out rite nw.  wht the hck?”.

“It was incredible.” one of Ricky’s close friends and drinking partners, 26-year-old unemployed “college student”, Thomas Frederick “Freddie” Mustang, explained to recently reinstated intern news reporter, Michael Hamden Jr. from CBC News, a few hours later.  “One minute, Ricky was right next to me puking on this cute girl’s shoes in this bar on Bourbon Street called ‘Memoriez’, the next he’s texting me from this like… massive field of clover, saying he needs a ride back to his apartment.  It was like… crazy!  Normally, I wouldn’t go and get him as much as I’d had to drink myself, but, hey, I figured… if the magic of St. Patrick’s Day is on his side, what can possibly go wrong for me, you know?  I was half-right, anyway.  Sorry, random guy and his neighbor’s mailbox.  And pet terrier.”

“What exactly is a zero leaf clover, anyway?” Michael Hamden Jr. asked, as Freddie sniffed his shirt to see if it was ok for him to wear it another day to avoid doing laundry.

“You know, it’s like a regular or four leaf clover, but without the clovery parts.  I’ve like… never seen so much of it in one place before!” Freddie explained, deciding the borderline stench of his three day old shirt could be concealed if he took it off and put it back on inside out while in the middle of his interview with Michael Hamden Jr.

“You mean like grass?” the intern reporter asked, making a sudden realization about the two drinking buddies’ story while looking through his notes on a small pad of paper.

“No!  Wait, what?  Grass?  Well, maybe.” Freddie answered, somewhat surprised, completing the flipping over of his shirt and now pulling a random sandwich out of his cargo pants’ pocket and eating it right in front of the CBC News intern reporter.  “Wait, you think we’re so stupid we can’t tell the difference between grass and clover?  To heck with you, Man.  We’re not stupid!  This was clover, clover! C-L-O-V-E-R.  It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle!  A miracle, Man!  How else would I have made it to Ricky in one piece crossing the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway when I was seeing quadruple?  I like go to church, you know, like once… in a while… maybe.  And I have a Bible… somewhere.  Or maybe that’s just a phone book.  Either way, that’s why it happened, Man, I promise you!  Wait… is St. Patrick’s Day actually a Christian thing, or is that the one with the Pilgrims and stuff, I can never remember?  No, that’s Easter, right?  And why does this sandwich smell like beer and throw up?”

“…what am I even doing here?” Michael Hamden Jr. sighed, throwing his notepad into a trash bin before quickly leaving Freddie’s messy apartment in disgust.  “And your sandwich doesn’t smell like beer and throw up, you do.  Maybe next time take a shower within 24 hours or so of having an interview with a television reporter, just an FYI there, Buddy.”

“Ouch.  Harsh, Man.” Freddie replied kind of tiredly before taking a bite out of his day old pocket sandwich.  “Hey, where you going?  I got this other great story I was going to tell you about how I found five bucks in a public restroom on Valentine’s Day last year!”

On the insistance of his father, senior CBC News reporter Michael Hamden Sr., Michael Hamden Jr. attempted to follow-up on this story with “miracle boy” Ricky Lansing himself, but was repeatedly met with unanswered phone calls followed by texts hours later saying “i got a hedache cal u later, bruh.”  At that point, 22 year old Michael Hamden Jr. gave up on further investigating this story, and went himself to ‘Memoriez’ to drink away the stress of dealing with Ricky and Freddie.

In a related story, New England Patriots Quarterback, Tom Brady was also recently found in a field of “zero leaf clover” in the St. Tammany Parish area after disappearing from Houston, Texas following Super Bowl LI in a swarm of angry peregrine falcons.  When asked by reporters if he also credits his safe return to solid ground to the “elves of St. Patrick’s Day”, Tom Brady explained further.

“No, after carrying me around in the sky for over a month,” Mr. Brady began, “the birds were getting pretty hungry, and that washed up actor, Nicolas Cage, was out throwing stale bread in the park, trying to convince some seagulls of the genius behind his self-written script, ‘National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something?  No, Probably Not.’  The falcons were so hungry, they dropped me to steal Cage’s bread from the seagulls.  I only wish the birds had just eaten me alive and gotten it over with so I wouldn’t have had to listen to Cage read me the script of yet another one of those stupid movies.”

“It was better than the first two, though.” Tom Brady then added, a look of thoughtful disgust on his starved and heavily bird-scratched face.  “Heaven help me that I know that, but I do.”

As of the posting of this article, Ricky Lansing has not returned Michael Hamden, Jr.’s calls, and no confirmation of the existence of “zero leaf clover” has been made by New Orleans area botanists.  Due to the publicity generated by this story, however, “National Treasure III: Is There Like a Ghost in the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis or Something?  No, Probably Not.” has been picked up by Walt Disney Pictures and is tentatively set to debut in theaters in summer of 2018 alongside other long-anticipated thrillers like “Twilight: Moon Something Something Solstice Eclipse Horizon The Teenagers Who Will Watch This Are Too Stupid to Know What These Things Are Anyway” and “Marvel’s ‘Captain, Uh, Somewhere’: The Lost Avenger”.  Inquires about whether or not Nicolas Cage will himself star in the new National Treasure movie he wrote as in the previous installments of the movie trilogy have been answered by executives at Walt Disney Pictures with a loud fit of laughter followed by several hours of wild, hysterical crying according to reliable sources contacted by the “Eye of Zatara”.

EDIT: After the posting of this article, the author (the Gatekeeper) also broke down into wild, hysterical crying while watching a self-made trailer for National Treasure III posted to Nicolas Cage’s YouTube account this morning.  His grief was so great even a hot, delicious Chunky’s Pizza ordered by co-editor, The Watchman, was not enough to console him, and he ran screaming off into a field of “shiny three leaf clover” that turned out to be poison ivy.

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Obama Admits to Wiretapping Trump Tower, But Only to Record Inbound Prank Calls to Trump

(Original Post: March 6, 2017)

Washington, D.C. – Capitol Hill is in a stir today as seemingly unsubstantiated claims by President Trump over the weekend that Trump Tower had been wiretapped by agents in the Obama administration during his run for Presidency have apparently been confirmed by former President Obama, but with a strange caveat.  Apparently, the only calls wiretapped from Trump Tower were inbound prank calls made by Obama officials to Donald Trump they wanted to “post to YouTube someday” because “[they’re] freaking hilarious”.

“Yeah, we’re sorry about not getting a warrant or anything, but, Man, once you hear the prank calls, you’re going to be laughing so much, you aren’t even going to care!” President Obama explained to veteran CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, in a quick interview at Martha’s Vineyard yesterday.  “Me and Joe were rolling on the floor laughing so loud the Secret Service rushed in, thinking we’d been attacked or something.  Sorry, agents Jackson and Carlisle, even the Leader of the Free World can’t always stop the funny from spilling out.”

While sources close to Donald Trump were apparently very skeptical of the Obama administration’s admissions, at first, continuing to stick by their unprecedented claim that all calls to and from Trump Tower had been wiretapped by President Obama, not just those related to prank calls (despite failing to offer even a single shred of hard evidence to support their assertion), Vice President Joe Biden has apparently stepped in to defend President Obama’s claims, leaking several of the former Commander-in-Chief’s wiretapped calls to the SLNC News Network, which aired them this morning during their 6 am news program, “Silence and Friends”.  Since then, transcripted copies of the calls have been provided to a variety of media sources, including “The Eye of Zatara”.  Several of the transcripted calls are included, word for word, below:

(October 10th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “Um, yeah, this is Donald Trump.  Can I help you with something?  Chop, chop, I’m in a hurry today.  Lots of things to do in my pink work bathrobe, you know.”
[OBAMA]: [Laughing in the Background.] Yeah, this is, um… Brett O’Connor from the EPA.  We just wanna see if your refrigerators are running there in Trump Tower?”
[TRUMP]: “What?  Are you serious?  Of course they are.  How else would we make the best taco bowls, like we do at Trump Tower Grill?”
[OBAMA]: [More Laughing in the Background.] (Whispered) “Here, Joe, you do the punchline.  You do it better.”
[BIDEN] “Um, ok, yes, this is Brett O’Connor again.  So, the refrigerators ARE running?  Ok, well, um, good job destroying the environment, you electricity-guzzling, coal-loving Republican teabagger!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “What the… (Censored)? [Call disconnects.]”

***
(November 1st)
[BIDEN]: “Um, yes, this is Moe Griden from the FBI.  We’re looking into the disappearance of a one Prince Albert from, um… the nation of Albertistan?  We heard you have him in a can somewhere in Trump Tower – is that true?”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered from Background.) Hey, let me do this one here.  Here, give me the phone.  I can take it over from here.
[TRUMP]: “What’s that?  Is this Melania?  Honey, I told you to stop the drinking.  You don’t make any sense when you drink.”
[PELOSI]: (Whispered) Trust me.  I’ve got this.  (Normal Volume.) “Well, you better go catch him!  Oh, crap, I think I messed it up.” [Call disconnects.]

***
(December 11th)
[OBAMA]: “Hey, is this Trump Tower?  Is your refrigerator still running?”
[TRUMP]: “Oh, not this again.  Look, I’ve got Flynn and Putin on the other line in a Conference Call, can we do this another time already?”
[OBAMA]: “(Censored) You!” [Loud phone-slamming sound as call is abruptly disconnected.]
[TRUMP]: “YOU’RE FIRED!  YOU HEAR ME?  WHOEVER YOU ARE, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE FIRED!  EVEN IF I HAVE TO SPEND MY WHOLE FORTUNE DOING IT, I’M GOING TO TRACK WHOEVER YOU ARE DOWN, BUY WHATEVER COMPANY YOU BELONG, AND MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB THIS TIME NEXT MONTH.  YOU HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE PUNK?  YOU CROSSED THE WRONG LOUD, MEGALOMANIACALLY-MINDED MILLIONAIRE!  DECEMBER IS GOING TO BE YOUR LAST FULL MONTH OF EMPLOYMENT IN THIS COUNTRY… OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!” [Call disconnects.]

“To be fair, he kind of followed through with that threat.” Joe Biden added, in an interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings earlier today, after the above audio clip was played on Gibbings’ news show, “Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings”, that airs five times a day on SLNC News’ failing left-leaning television network.  “I still don’t think he realized who it was that had been calling him until I left my YouTube channel open on Barack’s computer on our way out of the White House in January.  Right now, the video’s still set to Private, so he wouldn’t have found it otherwise.”

“Wait, you mean, you’ve already technically posted all this to YouTube?” Timothy Gibbings asked, his eyebrow raising sharply as a clear indication of either shock or stroke.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Joe asked, somewhat confused, while eating a $70 steak out of his famed Vice Presidential lunch pail right in front of the semi-popular SLNC news anchor.  “How else am I going to get Subscribers?”

“Um… well… that’s um… interesting.  Very, um… wow.  Ok, let me ask you a more sane question, then, if I could, Mister Former Vice President.” Timothy Gibbings stuttered helplessly aloud, knowing his liberal producer wouldn’t allow him to say anything negative towards their decidedly liberal guest despite the overwhelmingly disturbing nature of his last comment, and awkwardly trying to move the interview in another direction as quickly as possible.    “Did you and Barack ever wiretap anyone else while making prank calls on them like you did Candidate Trump?”

“Not that I can think of.” Former Vice President Biden answered rather quickly.  “Oh, wait, Hillary once, too, but that didn’t work out too well…”

“What do you mean?” Timothy Gibbings pressed the former VP for more details.

“Well, I altered my voice a little and she kind of thought the one prank calling her was this kid who used to work for her as an intern.  Jason Heeney or something.” Biden admitted, somewhat sheepishly, a little less amused by this prank than those he had made against then candidate and President-Elect Donald Trump.  “The Missing Persons case was officially closed a few weeks ago, I think.  The police never did figure out what happened to that boy.”

“I, um… I… I see!” Timothy Gibbings chuckled and swallowed hard, loosening his collar as his show’s producer began to glare at him angrily from the other side of SLNC News Studio 12.  “And, with that, I think it’s time for a commercial break.  Yes, definitely time for a break.  Don’t you agree, folks?”

Racquetball with Timothy Gibbings then concluded their advertsied hour long interview with Joe Biden 30 minutes early, playing a short 10 minute compilation called “The Best of Timothy Gibbings” three more times to fill dead air after returning from an impromptu commercial in the middle of the SLNC News host’s discussion with the former Vice President of the United States about his prank calls on Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Faced with the new information that has come out about the very limited Obama wiretaps of Trump Tower, most senior Trump officials have now announced they are no longer pursuing this matter, but would appreciate if former Vice President Joe Biden would at least delete the relevant videos from his YouTube channel rather than opening them to public view, even for “Subscribers”.  President Trump himself, however, has only buckled down on his original claim since these facts came to light, now insisting that every phone call he made from any device or location since he first joined the Presidential race was monitored and/or recorded by the Obama administration, and, furthermore, that the refrigerators in Trump Tower have very low energy usage, and, thus, are not destroying the environment as insinuated by President Obama during his prank call on Trump Tower early last October.

“The Eye of Zatara” attempted to reach out to Spokesman for the President, Sean Spicer, for further comment on this story from the White House, but he did not immediately return our calls.  According to Internet news blog, NowNews, Mr. Spicer was busy today visiting a Washington, D.C. area doctor for a last minute appointment seeking a prescription for high blood pressure medication, or, alternatively, just a friendly shoulder for him to cry on, but these reports, however likely they may be, are currently unsubstantiated.

[SATIRE] Mardi Gras Signs Up for Jenny Craig Program, Tired of Being Called “Fat Tuesday”

(Original Post: February 27, 2017)

New Orleans, LA- As the people of New Orleans revel in the excitement and tradition of their favorite late February celebration, the southeastern Louisiana area holiday known as “Mardi Gras”, tired of being referred to year after year by the insulting monicker of “Fat Tuesday”, has reportedly signed up with the popular Jenny Craig weight loss program in an attempt to slim down before next year’s festivities, even going so far as to release a “soy-and-tofu-based King Cake substitute” that supposedly has most of the taste of the popular Mardi Gras dessert, but without “all those fattening carbs and sugar”.

“Everyone seems to have just gotten used to me as ‘Fat Tuesday’.  Everywhere I go, people smile and wave, calling out my name like it doesn’t kill me a little inside every time they do,” Mardi Gras explained to veteran CBC News reporter, Michael Hamden, during a short interview at New Orleans’ world famous Cafe du Monde yesterday.  “But, a hundred years ago, they called me ‘Skinny Tuesday’, or ‘Mardi Maigre’, until a few decades of drinking and eating King Cake made me less of a parade personality and more of a parade float.  Yet, as a holiday, I’m expected to just keep smiling, and act like everything’s alright 24/7, even though my identity is shattered and I’m dying inside.  Can you imagine what it’s like to live forever like that?”

“Mardi Gras beads barely fit around my neck anymore.” the overweight holiday added, rather sadly, while also trying not to drool over the delicious beignets being eaten by Michael Hamden right in front of him.  “I used to be a smiling Jester bringing happiness to everyone around me once a year.  Now I’m just a sad clown faking my joy decade after decade while holding in the tears.  The drinking helps, but there’s not enough alcohol in Louisiana to really water down what I’m feeling inside.  It took me almost a century to admit it, but I need help…”

While many have come out in support of Mardi Gras’ decision to begin a weight loss program in order to return to a healthy lifestyle, other notable celebrities have surprisingly denounced Mardi Gras’ comments for various reasons, one of the most vocal of which is on-again, off-again spokeswoman for Jenny Craig, Kirstie Alley, who is rumored to have been dropped by Jenny Craig at the end of last year after gaining one hundred pounds while on their program, and whose role as the program’s spokeswoman may, according to some reports, pass in a few months to a hopefully slimmer Mardi Gras, assuming he has success with their plan.

“Mardi Gras doesn’t really want a healthy lifestyle.  He just wants people to stop calling him fat.” Kirstie Alley announced to Timothy Gibbings from SLNC News in an early interview this morning in SLNC News’ New York studio.  “That’s not going to be enough to really make a permanent change in his life.  Trust me, I know.  If Jenny had any sense in that tiny, anorexic head of hers, she’d wait for me to slim down again, and let me make more commercials for them myself, instead of trusting her future to a freaking green and gold court jester.  A freaking green and gold court jester!  I mean, things have worked well enough for me and Jenny for years.  Why change it now?  Just because some immortal personification of a celebration has got some self-esteem problems, she’s going to throw me to the curb like yesterday’s garbage?”

Surprisingly, TV talk show host, major media personality, and founder of the OWN television channel, Oprah Winfrey, has also come out in criticism of Mardi Gras, but for very different reasons.

“It’s like my good friend, Dr. Phil, always says, ‘You gotta love yourself before you can change yourself.’  I’ve been fat, skinny, and everything in-between, sometimes fluctuating hundreds of pounds in a single week, but do you see me getting down on myself?  No, I’m always me, and Mardi Gras has got to learn to love himself for who he is, too, if he ever wants to live a productive endless existence as an existential conglomeration of Louisiana festival traditions.  Love yourself before you can change yourself… wait, maybe that was actually from a fortune cookie.” Oprah Winfrey trailed off, mumbling to herself a few seconds while trying to determine the actual origin of her poignant quote.  “Boy, I sure could go for a fortune cookie right now.  ALRIGHT, WHO’S GOT A CHINESE TAKEOUT MENU?  MAMA OPRAH IS HUNGRY!”

Unfazed by the negative feedback he’s received from modern celebrities, Mardi Gras has assured the public that he is dedicated to his goal of losing weight, and hopes to return to his previous skinny self no later than the year 2027.

“It’s going to be hard to cut down on the drinking, binge eating, and riotous revelry that have come to define me as a holiday,” Mardi Gras said in a public statement released on his personal website a few hours before this article’s posting on the ‘Eye of Zatara’.  “But if a tangible manifestation of beads, booze, and laughter from the heart of Fleur-de-Lis country can’t lose this kind of weight with all the many resources at my disposal as an immortal holiday, what choice do normal people have at shedding a few pounds themselves with the timelines of their short human life spans?  I want to give people hope that no matter how many states require them to weigh in at Truck Stops when traveling cross country… no matter how many buffets turn off the lights and pretend to be closed when they pull into the parking lot… no matter how many donut shops and pizzerias send refrigerated trucks on scheduled deliveries to their house every morning just to serve them breakfast… they can lose weight just like I can, if they really put their mind to it, and refuse, no matter what, to give up hope that they can change.”

“Unless they’re film maker Michael Moore.” Mardi Gras later added, with a shrug, in a live video post to his website.  “Hey, I want to inspire people, not make them believe the impossible.”

In a related story, Terry Bradshaw has apparently signed up with Weight Watchers in a similar attempt to slim down, after the same swarm of falcons that previously carried off New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady at the end of last month’s Super Bowl attempted to abduct him the following week, but were unable to move him more than an inch or two off the ground before giving up and flying in mass to the nearest veterinary clinic for suspected hernia treatment.

[SATIRE] New Jersey Gamer Couple Enters “Open Beta Relationship”

(Original Post: February 24, 2017)

Westbury, New Jersey – Following their successful interaction on the recently launched “Technical Test” for Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Wildlands, nineteen year old gamers Michael Markenson and Lila Peachtree, who each live on different sides of the small town of Westbury, New Jersey, have announced via social media today their transition into a new type of tactical co-operative endeavor, a real life dating sim they call an “Open Beta relationship”.

“I really didn’t expect this when I invited Lila, AKA GamerGirlBetterThanYou7, to party up with me, Mike, and my college buddy, Ramos, to take on the Santa Blanca Cartel in the Open Beta for Ghost Recon.” fellow Westbury, New Jersey gaming enthusiast John Blackwell, AKA xHedshotz4Daysx, announced via a comment on Instagram about the shocking local development this morning.  “I mean, I know they both live in Westbury, but I never really thought they’d hit it off like that.  I really just wanted to play Ghost Recon, but the two of them wouldn’t stop blabbing about saving the environment and wanting to open a pet shelter someday or something.  It was kind of distracting, honestly.  I got taken down by Unidad like five times because the two of them were too busy talking about how they both wanna see Paris some day to cover me when I went in with my MP5.  Honestly, I’m probably not going to invite them to my party tonight when I boot up the game again.”

When asked by friends and followers on Twitter about the details of their new relationship, Michael initially declined to further comment, but Lila stepped up fearlessly to offer just enough information to silence the gaggle of gossipers’ endless queries.

“Frankly, I just started talking with Michael, AKA 4c3Gunner111597, yesterday, and we aren’t even meeting in real life for the first time until tomorrow.” Lila explained, while customizing her character’s appearance on the Ghost Recon loadout menu.  “So, we’re going to keep our relationship in the Open Beta stage for now.  We’ll spend a week or two trying out some romantic features, and, if it looks like the Game of Love is something that’s going to be worth paying full price for, we’ll pre-order a full relationship right then and there.  Otherwise, we’ll just move on.  Things are looking good so far, though.  I’m not sure if I should be sharing this, but, last night after playing Ghost Recon, Michael called me and we spent several hours in Team Chat together on the phone, discussing strategies for the Game of Love, as well as other things.  Frankly, I’ve never had this kind of connection with someone before, so it feels like a real Achievement for me personally.”

“Being with Lila makes me feel like a new console.” Michael then added, spurred on by the boldness of his new girlfriend in talking about their new romance, and now ready to publicly throw in his two cents worth.  “I know our Open Beta relationship is going to need a lot of patches and updates to keep it running smoothly, and I’m going to need a lot of Free Space in my life to make room for all these changes.  We might get mad at each other, and have to shut down online functionality for an hour or two until we cool off.  And even once we’re in a full version relationship, we’ll probably have to sit down every three months and shell out a little more emotional capital to download something new into our game to keep things fresh and interesting.  Frankly, I think the Game of Love is worth it, however, and I’m willing to go so far as delete whatever other games and apps in my life try get in the way of our romantic simulation to ensure I have enough space in my heart for GamerGirlBetterThanYou7.”

After Lila responded to this comment with a winky face emoticon, Michael added a little more, before booting up his console to play Ghost Recon again until Lila gets off work at HighCostCo later this evening.

“Maybe it’s too early to say this, but I’ve always been a one console man.” Michael explained, as family and friends followed along nosily on his various social media feeds on the subject.  “And like an X-Box, I think Lila may just be the One for me.  As many other games and apps I used to fill my time before I met her, my hard drive just didn’t feel complete until the night I downloaded our relationship into my life.  No matter how other parties like Nintendo may try to seduce me to their side in the future, I just don’t think I’ll ever Switch.  I may have a lot of other Followers in my real life, but there will forever be only one girl in the Friends List of my heart.”

Michael and Lila’s mutual friend, John Blackwell, reportedly vomited a little in his mouth after reading Michael’s above posts in his Facebook Newsfeed, before unfriending him on all social avenues possible, and inviting two other high school friends to party up on Ghost Recon with him and his college buddy, Ramos, for the duration of the game’s Open Beta.  Michael and Lila, however, were too busy fawning over one another on social media to even notice.

[SATIRE] SAG Announces All Upcoming TV and Movie Roles to Be Filled by Jeff Goldblum; Other Actors/Actresses Too Busy with Politics

(Original Post: February 11, 2017)

In a surprising announcement by the Screen Actors’ Guild association today, starting March 1, 2017, all future television and movie roles will, for the foreseeable future, be filled exclusively by Oscar and Emmy nominated actor, Jeff Goldblum, best known for his classic roles in the “Jurassic Park” and “Independence Day” franchises. The 64-year-old Pennsylvania-born actor will be filling in for both male and female parts, using carefully-applied make-up and wardrobe modifications to align his appearance with that of the original actor or actress chosen to play the part before this announcement, imitating their speaking and acting style to the best of his ability, to make it appear as if he were really that actor or actress, albeit in a much more awkward, nerdy, and clearly Goldblumish way.

“It’s unfortunate that we had to do this, but actors and actresses are bound to a higher calling than simply that of entertainers,” Carrie Redtep of the Screen Actors’ Guild association explained to Michael Hamden, senior reporter from CBC News in an impromptu press conference late Thursday. “Until Hollywood’s actors and actresses complete the extensive work required of them for the next four years by their primary career path of political activists, they simply do not have the time or energy to spend on their side jobs as television and movie personalities. Fortunately, Mr. Goldblum, whose political beliefs are much too complicated for him to explain even using his large vocabulary and smooth, but almost incomprehensible, cadence, has agreed to step up and fill the entertainment opportunities of Hollywood’s greats until they can achieve the political success the rest of country overwhelmingly requires of them as people who play make believe for a living.”

Jeff Goldblum himself, despite being worked nearly to the bone, seems to be alright with the arrangement, calling it a “Kafkaesque metamorphosis of his career, serendipitiously driven by his subconscious Descartian declaration of self by ego, personifying himself, not unsurprisingly, in a Shakesperean employment of comedy and tragedy that rotates endlessly in Samsara, bringing phoenix-like revival to his previous Mephistophelian temptations of surrender to obscurity and allowing herald-like re-declaration of his personal inventory in a monomyth-like reinterpretation of self, akin to Odysseus’ ostentacious self-revelation on his unprophesied return to his familiar, sadly patriarchal power structure in the conclusion of Homer’s sweeping epic as generally interpreted by modern scholastic reasoning.”

As of the posting of this article, no translation to the above text has been offered by the Screen Actors’ Guild or Mr. Goldblum.

While the full details and exact duration of the total replacement of all television and movie roles by Jeff Goldblum have yet to be clarified by anyone in Hollywood outside of a vague “four to eight years – maybe less, if we get our way” timetable offered by Miss Redtep to SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings near the end of her press conference, it is clear that the March 1st, 2017 date of its beginning is a hard start, as a new season of “Law and Order: Normal Victims Unit” in which both primary New York City detectives, their stalwart police chief, the District Attorney, the ADA, and all suspects, victims, criminals, and on-lookers will be played by Mr. Goldblum, is set to air Wednesday the 1st, beginning with a two part special in which a twisted serial killer (played by Jeff Goldblum) is randomly poisoning orders of Chinese delivery in the New York City area, resulting in the death of a sitting judge (played by Jeff Goldblum) who was the childhood mentor of Assistant District Attorney Jeff Coldwin (played by Jeff Goldblum), resulting in him starting to blur the lines of right and wrong, threatening not only to end his career as an Assistant District Attorney, but to endanger the lives of Detective Mike Endsgrove (played by Jeff Goldblum) and Detective Karrin Niyachek (played by Jeff Goldblum), who get caught up in the serial killer’s dangerous web while trying to rein in ADA Coldwin. The episode will guest star Jeff Goldblum as a conscientious and observant street performer who provides the crucial clue needed to finally track down the serial killer, ending his reign of terror and saving ADA Coldwin’s career.

During his interview with the Screen Actors’ Guild’s Carrie Redtep, Michael Hamden attempted to press the now impatient-looking PR rep for more information, but was quickly brushed off as Miss Redtep exited into a large, black, stretch limousine waiting parked for her on a nearby curb and honking.

“I’d like to provide more information on the calling the American people have placed upon Hollywood to act as its moral center in this time of political crisis and division, but, unfortunately, I have a prior engagement.” Miss Redtep explained, while hurrying off in heels and a red, designer dress to meet her limo driver. “I’ve got advance tickets for that new, even filthier ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ sequel, so I can’t tarry, but I’ll be happy to speak to you about Hollywood’s responsibility as the all-knowing conscience of America at a later date, if you’d like to please schedule something with my Administrative Assistant.”

As of the posting of this article, no further information has been offered by Carrie Redtep, or anyone else from the Screen Actors’ Guild, to the media on the subject of Jeff Goldblum’s total assimilation of all American television and movies roles. An entertainment reporter, however, is claiming on popular news blog, NowNews, that he saw Miss Redtep leaving the theater playing her long anticipated “Fifty Shades Darker” movie Thursday night only about halfway into the flick, quickly buying a ticket for “Lego Batman” before switching films, her face as beet red as her dress. She was, unfortunately, the only viewer to do so.

[SATIRE] PLAUSIBLE HISTORY: “Wolves”

Greetings from The Watchman.

Six months ago this week, “The Eye of Zatara” was officially launched, and the mental health of the United States of America began a slow but steady decline.  In spite of my warning to this blog’s readers to steer clear of the ridiculousness personified in our articles, the madness contained here has continued to expand, engulfing topics as wide and varied as Star Trek planets voting themselves out of the Cardassian Union, DeLoreans disappearing into thin air after Tesla Autopilots are installed into them, and Olympic torch runners lighting villages on fire.  Today, in alignment with goals that make sense to absolutely no one but The Gatekeeper, we welcome, for the first time, a new contributing member of our “The Eye of Zatara” team, a man known simply as “The Historian” who may be slightly closer to a straight jacket and padded cell than even The Gatekeeper himself.  For all you history buffs out there who stumble across this so-called “blog” of misinformation, please, turn off your computer, load up a good documentary on Netflix, maybe find a good non-fiction book on Kindle, but, whatever you do, do not believe a single word typed by the hands of The Historian.  If at all possible, do not even read them.

That said, on the absolute insistence of The Gatekeeper, I now teeth-clenchingly welcome my new co-editor and contributing writer, a wonderfully paranoid man of questionable sanity and knowledge, whose debut piece on “The Eye of Zatara” is a brief, drooling lecture on the veracity-lacking history of otherworldly creatures he, for some reason, refers to as “wolves”, but whose origins and very existence are far more questionable than even that of commonly investigated cryptozoological mysteries such as the chupacabra.  If you care nothing for yourself and the logical integrity of your rational mind, if through self-loathing you have developed the psychological equivalent of a strong death wish, or if you are simply too ignorant to take my repeated warnings to heart… please enjoy this first post below from The Historian in a new series of articles I have generously entitled “Plausible History”.  Without further ado, here is “Plausible History: Wolves”.

~From “The Watchman”

***

Greetings from The Historian!

I am so very happy to finally be a part of “The Eye of Zatara” family, having been an avid reader for several days now after accidentally mistyping a URL in an attempt to read another website I visit more often.  Today, in a new segment on “The Eye of Zatara” entitled “Plausible History”, I plan to discuss in detail a lesser known historical legacy of the monstrous breed of canines known colloquially as “wolves”, creatures I myself have spent many years following and researching at great risk to my own health and well being, believing that some day my knowledge would come to be of use to the world’s history lovers, hopefully including you!

Let us now begin.

[[PLAUSIBLE HISTORY: WOLVES]]

Wolves.  Believed by many to be one Balto-esque journey away from being man’s next best friend and hero, a fluffy, grey-haired savior in the guise of a long canine snout and four padded paws.  But what are wolves really?  Are they really as simple and straightforward as they seem?  Are they really so kind?  Or, are they actually… the most evil creatures to have ever spawned upon God’s green earth since the now long extinct Apocalypseasaurus Rex, a furry Pandora’s Box waiting to unleash all the evils of creation upon those who view them as little more than the overgrown ancestors of their beloved childhood pets.

While some look like dogs, wolves are not a single type of creature, but a variety of terrifying, monstrous man-eaters capable (depending on the breed) of flying, breathing fire, turning invisible, conjuring massive bolts of electrical power like lightning, or even living off blood like a vampire. Believed to have first been summoned to this world in the year 1701 by Sir Isaac Newton through dark, alchemical rituals intended to create a Philosopher’s Stone, but were mostly purged from the world during the English Inquisition of 1835, a counterpart to the Spanish Inquisition started one year after its predecessor’s conclusion, specifically to rid England of wolves and those friendly to and colluding with the horrid creatures.  A second wave of wolves, of two very slightly different breeds, were conjured independently by Russia’s Joseph Stalin and Japanese Emperor Hirohito in the opening days of World War II, combining alchemical texts from Sir Isaac Newton with those of Nostradamus, Dante, Paracelsus, Leonardo de Vinci, and Morgan Le Fey in an attempt to bolster their human forces with equally lethal non-human counterparts, the documents acquired from a hidden cache uncovered beneath the ancient site of Camelot in a white marble tomb inscribed with the name of ancient proto-wizard Merlin.

While these pure original wolves were terrifying enough, some were not content to let their true potential go unrealized.  As the intermingling three species of unmodified wolf spread throughout all the world’s eight continents (Including Xanadu), adapting to a variety of natural environments and feeding upon humans like cattle, many were soon captured and experimented upon by twisted scientists who selective bred out their various traits and capabilities to create refined, elemental varieties of wolf now identified by each of their new primary natures, the “Fire Wolf”, “Ice Wolf”, “Sugar Wolf”, “Dream Wolf”, and “Moose Wolf” coming into being among many other kinds.

Many of these new wolves grew to overcome their captors, however, and now, armed with sentience and a humanesque level of intelligence comparable to fans of Beyonce, form a secret nation of their own in the shadows of this world that works together to attack innocent humans in the same way that carnivorous lions hunt gazelles.  How much control they have over the affairs of this world is uncertain, but their cognitive ability is said to rival, or even surpass us, in some of their more intelligent species like the “Vampire Wolf”, so anything is surely possible.  It is possible that even the United Nations itself has been infiltrated by wolves?  It seems likely.  Perhaps the wolves were even the true source of the hacked DNC emails believed by some to have changed the outcome of the 2016 U.S. Presidential election in favor of now President Donald J. Trump?  Surely, this would explain the lack of an Executive Order from the President blocking wolves from entering the country until further notice, as he has done with refugees from seven Islamic countries.  Could the wolves perhaps even be the true backers of the ridiculously stupid “A Dog’s Purpose” movie, an attempt to create propaganda with which to dull the senses of gullible humans against the ferocity hidden in the canine form, blinding them to the terror that are the more dog-like breeds of wolf, wolves just as dangerous as their more serpentine counterparts (the “Dragon Wolves”)?

How do wolves raise money, you ask, for such wicked schemes?  By taking it out of the wallets of their victims, for one, but primarily, by selling cans of their somehow world famous “Three Wolves” brand green beans!  The evidence is right there on the can – you can see the wolves on the label!  The Illuminati… the New World Order… all these dark forces are connected to wolves and their green beans!  World War III will not be a war of man against man as many people expect, but a war of man against wolf, human against canine, as we fight for our ultimate survival against our otherwise soon-to-be lupine monster overlords who view us the same way that we view a Chunky’s Pizza!  DON’T YOU SEE?  THEY WILL RULE US ALL IF WE DO NOT RESIST THEM!  THEY CANNOT BE STOPPED WITH MERE PASSIVITY!  WE MUST UNITE TOGETHER AS HOMO SAPIENS AND CRUSH THE WOLVES OF THE WORLD BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!

Ahem.

I’ve been told by The Watchman that this is all I have space to say today, so I will end things at this point.  Please keep your eyes peeled, however, for the next eye-opening segment of “Plausible History” as I discuss the lost continent of Atlantis, the history of collectible card games, and the Earl of Sandwich’s illegal human cloning project, or maybe none of these things!  Until then, please remember the lessons of history.  After all, as the old saying goes, “Those who do not learn history are going to fail their history class and are doomed to repeat it.”  Wise words indeed there.

As The Gatekeeper often says, “Watch out for wolves, Everyone!”

~The Historian

***

EDIT: Thank you, The Historian, for your excellent article, and welcome to “The Eye of Zatara” staff!  I love all the information about wolves, but maybe you should go into more depth on it sometime.  How about a “Plausible History: Wolves – Part Two” in the next week or two???

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Part Two???

Oh, heaven help us, please no.  I can’t… after reading that, I just can’t… I might just end ten years of sobreity right here after reading that.  I need… I need a tylenol…

~The Watchman

EDIT: Maybe we should have a party to celebration “The Historian” joining the team.

Anyone else suddenly hungry for green beans?

~The Gatekeeper

[SATIRE] Patriots Defeat Falcons to Win Super Bowl – Lose to Actual Falcons in Parking Lot on Way to Hotel

(Original Post: February 6, 2017)

In a historic turnaround victory that went into overtime for the first time in Super Bowl history, the New England Patriots defeated the Atlanta Falcons 34 to 28 to claim their fifth Super Bowl victory in Super Bowl LI, despite being losing by as much as 25 points to the Falcons earlier in the game.  After a riotous celebration in NRG Stadium in Houston, however, the New England Patriots left the sports arena to return home for a long, well-deserved rest in their hotel room only to be confronted in the parking lot by a cast of actual falcons bent on avenging their namesake in the NFL, swooping down on the unsuspecting players in mass like a Biblical plague.

“It was awful.” an unnamed player from the Patriots team was overheard explaining to Coach Bill Belichick several hours later once Animal Control and EMS had arrived on scene to assist with the unexpected zoological phenomenon.  “There we were, exiting proudly out of the stadium as champions, Vince Lombardi Trophy in hand, when suddenly we saw what looked like a fast-moving cloud approach us from overhead.  By the time we realized they were birds, we were too far away from the stadium entrance to make it back inside in time.  After that, all I remember is being surrounded by feathers and talons.  Feathers and talons.  It was so terrible.  And the screeching.  No… I don’t think I’ll ever forget the screeching…”

Avian experts from across the globe have weighed in to explain the sudden, unexpected attack of what has been confirmed as nearly two thousand peregrine falcons descending at once upon the Super Bowl stadium in Houston, and viciously attacking one of the most successful NFL franchises in the history of football.  Suggested causes have ranged on one hand of the scientific spectrum to unlikely but plausible instigators like global warming or habitat displacement to more radical and supernatural causes such as sorcery, telepathy, and the specific genetic breeding of “attack falcons” by anti-Patriot NFL fans unwilling to let the turnaround defeat of the Atlanta Falcons by the Patriots go unanswered.

“Well, I’m not really supposed to say things like this, but I’m pretty sure it was Lady Gaga.” Sports commentator and former NFL superstar Terry Bradshaw weighed in, in an exclusive interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings this morning.  “Whatever it is that lady has become, it’s definitely not human.  It wouldn’t surprise me if whatever… thing… she was doing with her body during the Halftime Show didn’t summon these birds out of whatever alternate universe of monsters that girl got her creepy blue leotard and face mask from.  I’m serious about this.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I haven’t eaten in a good five minutes, and someone in Row 2, Seat 35 forgot to take their delicious hot dog with them when they left the stadium tonight.”

Terry Bradshaw then began drooling right on camera, before slipping, unknowingly, into a Homer Simpson accent.

“Mmmm… hot dog.”

While most of the details of the otherworldly falcon attack on the New England Patriots outside NRG Stadium have been more or less sorted out overnight by diligent reporters, one disturbing rumor has persisted since the incident despite any particular evidence to prove or disprove it, with Bill Belichick has thus far refusing to comment on the situation or even acknowledge the unusual question when asked directly by reporters.

“Where’s Tom Brady?” Roger Goodell was reportedly overheard saying to several of the New England Patriots players shortly after the falcon strike, while first aid kits were rushed out to the players to treat their litany of bloody, claw-shaped laceration wounds.

The players reportedly shrugged.

Since then, unconfirmed sources have posted a video to YouTube which supposedly shows the five time Super-Bowl-winning quarterback being carried away by a human-shaped mass of circling and flying peregrine falcons vaguely reminiscent in its silhouette to a skeletal, scythe-wielding Grim Reaper and cloak.  The video shows the quarterback shouting desperately at the birds to let him down, before disappearing into the clouds over Houston crying “I know I wasn’t supposed to win!  I know it was Atlanta’s time to shine!  I remember all the warnings, and I tried my best to lose, I really did!  I swear it!  But, even when I’m intentionally trying to make as many bad passes and plays as possible, I’m still Tom Brady, Baby!  Tom Bleeping Brady!  I can’t lose even when I want to!  Is another Patriots Super Bowl win really that much of an affront to nature itself?”  The question went unanswered, as the supposed video of Tom Brady’s avian abduction cut off at that point.  So far, no sight or sound has been heard of Tom Brady in the media since the incident, but neither has any trace of him been noticed hovering in the skies of Houston engulfed in birds, although small showers of salty, tear-like rain drops have been reported throughout the city of Houston since the falcon attack, a usual sign of Tom Brady’s presence in any given location, according to meteorologists familiar with the often weepy star quarterback.

As football fans throughout the world try to make sense of the results of Super Bowl LI, and also with the most terrifying video-recorded attack of black-winged birds since the days of Alfred Hitchcock, the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots are both left alone to lick their respective wounds, one figurative and one literal, each bearing the scars of one of the most interesting and eventful games in NFL history.  Fans of Tom Brady may bear the biggest emotional burden right now, however, as they try to determine the whereabouts of the New England Patriots’ leading man, leaving some to take wildly to the streets of Houston tossing footballs high into the air hoping that Brady, if he’s up there, can catch them and weigh himself down enough with the balls to descend from his flying prison among the Grim Reaper of birds holding him hostage.  Some have raised concern that the air in the balls may serve to counteract their purpose, however, working like balloons to only all the more keep the five time Super-Bowl-winning quarterback aloft in the warm air of Texas.  Justin Hargrove, an avid Brady fan, and local Houston resident reported to CBC News he is not worried about such concerns, however, in a short interview with CBC’s Michael Hamden.

“I’m not big on science or nothing, but, frankly, I think the weight of the ball is more important to the equation here than the lightness of the air contained within it.” A possibly inebriated Mr. Hargrove explained, while brushing pork rind crumbs off of his salsa-stained lucky white Game Day T-shirt.  “But, even if it DID turn out to be a problem, somehow… we all know Brady’s the kind of guy who wouldn’t have any trouble at all letting just enough air out of the balls to give him the edge he needs over the falcons.”

“I agree.” Terry Bradshaw interjected, having somehow wandered into the front lawn of Mr. Hargrove during his interview with CBC News’ Michael Hamden.  “By the way, is that barbecue I smell?”

[SATIRE] A New Sponsor – Chunky’s Pizza, Home of the Chunky Marinara Sauce Pizza

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In exclusive “The Eye of Zatara” related news, our innovative content and in-depth analyses of important issues from Donald Trump’s Presidential Cabinet to Shonen Jump’s Rurouni Kenshin Super has, at last, paid off, as a new corporate partner has stepped up to fill the shoes of the fickle Three Wolves brand of green beans, becoming our first (hopefully) permanent sponsor.

On the advice of my co-editor, “The Watchman”, I have decided to allow our new sponsor to construct an advertising statement for themselves, rather than attempt to write one myself.  So, without further ado, please welcome the famous “Chunky’s Pizza Company” to our happy “The Eye of Zatara” family!

***

Happiness.  Tradition.  Flavor.  These are the values that my grandfather, Harry Torrington, had in mind when he first sat down to make the now famous recipe of his first delicious Chunky’s pizza, a local tradition in the central Kentucky area since 1999.  Eighteen years later, after committing my grandfather to a psychiatric hospital after he tried to ride a neighbor’s horse to Lexington and Concord insisting he had to “warn the Minutemen about the Redcoats”, I’ve left my illustrious career in the fast food industry behind to continue my grandfather’s dream of offering delicious pizza to Kentucky families struggling with obesity at a price they can afford without dipping into the coins from their “Liposuction Jar”.

Here at Chunky’s Pizza, now with five convenient Kentucky locations in Lexington, Frankfort, Louisville, Dry Ridge, and Bowling Green, plus a new store in southeastern Louisiana near New Orleans for no explicable reason, we put our hearts into every greasy, heart-clogging food item we prepare for our heavily overweight customer base.  Our traditional style “Chunky Marinara Sauce” comes with three types of meats and seven types of meat byproducts mixed directly into the sauce, and our famed “Hand-Tossed Meat Crust” offers the same mix of Grade C local Kentucky meat beaten right into the dough of your pizza for that double “Ten Meat Mix” when then covered by our Chunky Marinara Sauce.

I know.  There’s been a lot of talk by some of our competitors on the Internet about that Health Department investigation into our franchise, but, I assure you, the claims that our delicious Chunky Sticks are non-digestible and pass straight through your system intact are baseless smears, made up by those big names in the pizza business to scare you into not giving us any of your business.  That’s because they know that once you’ve had your first bite of Chunky’s Pizza, you’ll be hooked, and you won’t ever think about spending your money at a different pizzeria again.

If you’re not sold on Chunky’s Pizza yet, for a limited time, we’re offering all “Eye of Zatara” readers a “Buy One, Get TWO Free” discount on our legendary “Chunky Lover’s” specialty pizza, a 20 inch large pizza pie on our mouth-watering Hand-Tossed Meat Crust slathered almost to the point of being soggy with our ten meat Chunky Marinara Sauce, and then covered generously with layers of Chunky Cheese, old Old World Pepperoni, spicy Italian sausage boils, Black Forest Fire Ham, genuine semi-bacon sprinkles, and a complimentary cup of garlicy Chunky Butter on the side to dip your pizza in for an extra shot of delicious Chunky’s flavor should you so choose!

(Note: “Buy One, Get TWO Free” offer is for Carryout Only, and requires a minimum order of $20 excluding the cost of the initial Chunky’s Lover pizza required to earn two additional Chunky’s Lover pizzas free.  Offer may not be available in some, or all locations, and is only valid on weekdays after 5 pm excluding Tuesdays.  Many restrictions may apply.  Sales tax on an order in which this offer is applied will be doubled for no apparent reason, with the second sales tax amount applied directly to CEO Torrington’s “I Really Want to Buy a Yacht Like My Rich Friends” fund.  E pluribus unum.  Veni vidi vici.  Legal mumbo jumbo.  Excelsior.  Stop reading this, Stupid.)

So, come on down to Chunky’s Pizza today, and “Taste the Chunky”!  Grab a hot slice of a Chunky Lover’s Pizza, a quick order of Chunky Sticks, and wash it all down with your choice of our house made Chunky Cola, Sort-of-Diet Chunky Cola, Chunky Cherry Chunky Cola, or sparkling Brown Creme Soda.  Tell them ole’ twenty year old Marty Torrington sent you, and receive a complimentary Chunky Mint or Chunky Toothpick with your order.  Now, back to your regularly scheduled, excellent “The Eye of Zatara” article!  (Forced wink.)  Oh, and tell your friends and blubbery loved ones about us!!!

***

Wow!  What an amazing advertisement, and what an amazing company!  I’d say more, but Marty Torrington specifically paid me not to, so let me just say this – everyone reading the “Eye of Zatara”, please call Chunky’s Pizza immediately and order yourself a delicious-meat-and-meat-byproduct-filled dinner you and your family won’t ever forget, and not just because it sometimes causes diarrhea!

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: I’ve been told by Marty Torrington that Chunky’s Pizza does not actually cause diarrhea.  Please ignore my above statement, as it was foolishly based more on honesty than on greed, which I now realize is very, very wrong.  Thank you.

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: …

~The Watchman

EDIT: …what?

~The Gatekeeper

EDIT: Nothing.  Just… no, nevermind.  Everyone, please eat at Chunky’s Pizza… just… very cautiously.

Wow.  What in the world am I doing with my life???

~The Watchman

[SATIRE] President Trump Forgets to Change Toilet Paper Roll After Using Last Piece; Democratic Protesters Flood the Streets

(Original Post: February 2, 2017)

In a shocking revelation that has made even Republican politicians once strongly supportive of President Trump cringe and back away from the now beleaguered new President, an unnamed White House staff member reported in a candid whistleblower interview with SLNC News’ Timothy Gibbings this morning that after spending “an inordinate time” in the White House bathroom closest to the Oval Office last night, the 45th President of the United States used the last fragment of toilet paper from the current roll in the tissue holder next to the bathroom’s only porcelain throne, and, after only lightly washing his hands, left the bathroom for a National Security briefing he was now a few minutes late for… WITHOUT replacing the toilet paper roll he had expended for the next unsuspecting victim to his scandalous Stall of Shame to use.

“It just shows where the priorities of this new President lie,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer explained a few hours ago to veteran reporter Michael Hamden from CBC News.  “He claims to be in favor of capitalism and the average American citizen, but he really just wants to use up all the nation’s resources for his own satisfaction, and leave the rest of us to clean up the mess ourselves… exactly like he did in the White House bathroom by the Oval Office.”

As protestors flood into the streets around the White House carrying signs bearing the slogan of “Make America’s Bathrooms Great Again”, similar protests have continued throughout the night on the campus of UC Berkeley, where Brietbart editor Milo Yiannopoulis was scheduled to make a speech, until a report appeared on popular internet news blog NowNews early yesterday afternoon that Mr. Yiannopoulis had only left a scant 5% tip at a casual dining restaurant he visited in the Berkeley area for lunch that day, despite admittedly receiving “excellent service”.  Mr. Yiannopoulis attempted to explain his remarks through a series of statements issued to the protestors a few hours later, but found his poorly constructed arguments were completely unable to break the stout logical wall of “We’re going to break store front windows and burn lots of things” retorted by the linguisticly-superior liberal advocates protesting against him, an argument they made not only rhetorically, but honorably followed through with in spades.

As Donald Trump and those of the conservative or Republican persuasion face continuously increasing scrutiny from those on the left calling them Nazis while at the same time organizing violently against them, (a situation which would be very ironic if Donald Trump was not a racist, sexist, Islamophobe, reincarnated Egyptian mummy who clearly deserves whatever horrible things people say or do across the country in protest of his hatefulness, because if the lessons of Nazi Germany taught us anything, it’s definitely not that the ends don’t justify the means, right?) Republicans are already preparing themselves for the inevitable impeachment proceedings that will be required to remove President Trump from office as the scandal of his failure to replace a toilet paper roll he used the last of in the White House bathroom continues to drive the more kind and intellectual members of the American populace onto the street armed with molotov cocktails, driven by the knowledge that everything Donald Trump does, no matter how small, is in some way subconsciously motivated by his extreme white privilege, and will serve to discriminate against both women and minorities.  It may also be worth noting that the White House whistleblower who reported Donald Trump’s lack of courtesy in the bathroom, when they themselves tried to use the facility immediately after the President, is a female of undisclosed minority status with a grandmother who once visited Syria.  This, on top of everything else we already know about the newly-elected President, should confirm in all our minds exactly what kind of sinister man he really is.

Newly confirmed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson attempted to deploy the eXxon-Men to deescalate the violence in the protests at UC Berkeley, but they disappeared en route after being greeted by an excited Barron Trump, ten year old son of President Trump, whose middle name has recently been revealed to be “Zemo”.  If the eXxon-Men do not turn up soon, whatever the cause may be behind their disappearance, Secretary Tillerson has vowed to create a new superhero team to, among other things, “Avenge” them, but has yet to disclose the name of this proposed second force of super-powered metahumans.